Previously on The Riches. [ Cael ] Do you really think Dad has a plan?
He stole the money. Ma lost the money. And now we're here in a dead guy's house.
What kind of monster steals the family bank?
[ Cael ] Gonna get caught, Di.
How'd y'all get in the front gate? We live here.
Hi. Doug Rich. Oh, hey.
Welcome to Panco, Doug. I hope your time here is fruitful.
Dahlia, what are you doing here?
Hugh offered me a job. I'm-- I'm gonna take him up on it.
Wayne. Dahlia.
Doug. Cherien. Aubrey.
How do you do? I'm Mrs. Doug Rich.
Rich? Cherien Rich? Yeah.
Just bring back the money, D.
Dale wants $40,000.
That's a lot of silverware, Dad.
Goddamn small bills.
Hey, isn't this what got us in trouble in the first place?
How long are we gonna stay? We get in, we get out.
[ Wayne ] I want an oath of protection.
The car's right outside. Come on. Let's go.
Dad, those people have been staring at us.
No, honey, it's just your imagination. Hey, take your coat.
Well, why can't we just park the R.V. at our house?
They won't let it through the gate, buddy. It's too ugly.
It's our home.
Not anymore. This is a bad idea.
What do you mean? R.V.'s there, there, there, over there.
- We're gonna blend right in. - They're gonna break in the minute we leave.
Maybe they're nice. Maybe they're just like us.
No. We got history. We got culture.
[ Woman ] Morning. Community.
You mean we used to, right?
No, sweetheart. We got it whether we're with Travellers or not.
Hey. Hey!
I said, "Hey." What are you, deaf?
No, I'm not deaf, but I sometimes get a buzzing in my ears. Does that count?
What she's tryin' to say is, there's a fee.
- Oh, Jesus Christ. I knew it. - Dahlia.
You know what? You ain't got no right charging me no fee, buddy boy.
True, we have no right.
But it's 200 bucks. That'll cover the first week.
- Yeah, and we'll keep an eye on it for you guys. - Don't you pay him, Wayne.
- Completely reasonable. - Oh, my God.
Thanks. You have nothing to worry about.
Come on. We gotta get back to work.
Screw work. We've been gone two days.
Yeah, let's not mention the other little thing.
What, you mean the money we stole?
Jesus, Sam. He just said not to mention it.
[ Laughs ]
Wayne?
Just stay calm, baby.
[ Crying ] Well, what's wrong, Kimmie?
He's gone crazy. He's crazy.
He thinks someone robbed him, stole $40,000 from his safe.
He's not letting anyone leave until he finds out who it was.
[ Beeps ] [ Man ] Your name?
Tony.
What's your real name, Tony?
It's-- It's Tony. I-- It is.
[ Whispers ] Shit.
Where the hell have you been?
Been gone two days, same as the money.
What money?
The 40 grand in my safe. Ring a bell?
You saying you suspect us? I suspect everybody who works for me--
everybody that had access to Panco on the day of the crime.
Hugh, as your counsel, I must warn you...
that forcing your employees to undertake a lie detector test...
- is completely illegal. - Mm-hmm.
Potential liability is enormous. It's scientifically useless. Am I right?
Where the hell have you been for that last two days?
Food poisoning.
Bullshit.
No, it's true. He had a bad shrimp.
You're the head of Legal, Doug.
You don't disappear 'cause you ate a bad shrimp.
Now, you're gonna tell me where you were,
and you're gonna tell me the truth.
I'm gonna get it out of you one way or another.
Renaldo, you can go-- Tony-- whatever the hell your name is.
He's not done. Oh, he's done.
- You too, Cherien. - No, I'm staying.
Get the hell out.
Okay, Doug, you're on the hot seat.
I was in Florida, in Boca Raton,
working on a new investor for you.
An investor? A big one.
One to help you with your current cash flow situation.
So who took the money?
I don't frigging know!
So why didn't you just tell me you had an investor, Doug?
Because I was trying to keep it quiet,
because it was supposed to be your end-of-the-quarter surprise.
Hmm.
Who is he?
Well, that was part of the surprise.
It is a very delicate... personal relationship,
and the deal is not quite closed yet.
Excuse me.
Well, you better close that deal, Doug.
You better close it. How much you got him on the line for?
What's he in for? Hundred grand?
200? 300? 400?
500,000? I had no choice.
You signed us up for $500,000?
What was I supposed to do? I hate those machines. They creep me out.
What, you think it's gonna steal your soul?
Wayne, people pass polygraphs all the goddamn time.
Who? What people? In the movies.
He would've had me at "Doug Rich." Oh, my God.
Where we gonna find a half million dollars? I said I will find an investor.
I will just have to find that investor. What?
To invest in this shit hole? Yeah.
Honey, we are con men.
Remember?
We do fake investors. We don't do real investors.
Where you gonna find the Boca man?
[ Wayne ] All right, team. Listen up.
We're thinking of doing a big store with Panco as the front.
So we need to find a mark that's rich, greedy and stupid enough...
to want to drop a load without thinking twice.
What about Jim and Nina?
Don't they have a lot of money from alpacas?
Cupcake, I love Nina.
[ Di Di ] Guys, I-- I got one.
Averil Utrell, age 79. She's a recent widow.
Her husband was some rich oil guy,
and turns out she's giving all her money to animal shelters and music stuff.
No, we don't do little old ladies.
Di Di, did you burn your moral compass?
- Oh, my God. - Look, why don't we just...
try pulling a rag on an apple down by the train station?
Yeah, that's a good idea, but we don't know shit about the stock market, do we?
Next. Come on, family. Lots of easy marks around.
Yeah, except they can't know us, they can't be too smart and they gotta be greedy as shit.
You're making it difficult.
Hey.
Rudy Blue. Perfect.
- The baseball player? - Yeah. He's loaded.
Isn't he still in jail? Not anymore.
Okay, Rudy Blue is quite possibly the coolest guy in the world.
Speak up, Cael. I can't hear you.
He's like the most badass baseball player of all time.
He had sex with a hooker during the seventh inning stretch of a World Series game.
Ah, when baseball was baseball.
And he got busted having sex with a 17-year-old girl.
'Kay, he says they were just friends.
Her dad found them naked in a hot tub.
Okay, well, he's got a shitload of cash, all right?
First day out of the big house, he bought a Ferrari 612 Scaglietti.
It's 250 G's. [ Dahlia ] That's a man with somethin' to prove.
And money to lose.
He invested in shrimp boats, banana farms...
and Rudy's Chili and Fries.
Wow. A guaranteed loser.
Hi, I'm Rudy, and, uh, I'm a sexaholic.
[ Together ] Hi, Rudy.
Okay, any other newcomers? Please introduce yourself. First names only.
Hi. I'm, uh, Mel, and I'm a sexaholic.
[ Chuckling ] [ Together ] Hi, Mel.
Thank you, Mel. And, uh-- Yeah. Would you like to introduce yourself?
Hi. My name's Cherien.
And, uh-- [ Exhales ]
Well, I'm just so goddamn horny.
Hi, y'all. [ Giggles ] [ Together ] Hi, Cherien.
[ Man ] All right, settle down now. Settle down.
[ Rudy Laughing ]
So there I was in the cockpit, workin' my magic. Wait a minute.
You-- You gave a hand job to a pilot while he was on duty?
Well, it's not like no one else was flying the plane,
'cause, you know, copilot was there too.
Luckily, I'm ambidextrous. [ Laughing ]
Well, I guess that makes you a member of the mile high club.
Oh, look who's talkin', Mr. I-Like-'Em-Young.
Oh, come on. Don't-- Don't-- Don't remind me of that.
Oh, come on, Rudy. You don't have to be ashamed. Everybody still loves you.
No, they don't. Not-- Not after that girl, they--
Oh, that little slut? Whole world knows she set you up.
Well, ex-wife has everyone convinced that I'm just a dumb-ass horny loser.
Horny loser?
You're a baseball legend. You are.
Yeah, I guess. [ Chuckles ]
Who do you think built Rudy's Chili and Fries?
That was my idea, my hard work, my business savvy.
And that damn judge, he just gave her everything.
Well, it's your name on the sign. He gave her that too.
My own name. She took everything.
Well, you still got your health.
And your money, right? Yeah, I still got that.
Hmm.
But my family, my teammates, my self-respect--
I respect you.
Mm-hmm.
[ Cell Phone Rings ]
Oh, shit. What? Is there a problem?
It's my ex, making my life miserable. Do you have kids?
Sammy, who that bastard is threatening to take away.
Posey did the same thing to me.
Gotta fight him, Cherien. Fight him.
Yeah, everybody's sayin', "Oh, he's so smart, and he's makin' money hand over fist."
He fights me on every penny.
I mean, he's doin' a huge deal right now...
that I happen to know is gonna make him even richer than he already is,
and he still wants to cut my alimony.
Well, what's this guy do, anyway? Real estate developer.
We got married real young.
No, he couldn't deal with my problem.
I mean, can I help it if my needs were more than he can handle?
'Cause, I mean, controlling my lust...
is a daily-- no, hourly-- struggle.
I mean, temptation is everywhere.
Yeah.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. [ Clears Throat ]
I'm just finding this whole abstinent thing very, very challenging.
Cherien, I, uh-- I understand. Me too.
Yeah. [ Clicks Tongue ]
Well, guess I better call a cab.
Gotta go pick up the kid from the dickhead. [ Chuckles ]
Well, I-- I could give you a ride.
Really?
Oh, I mean, you think it's safe for us?
'Cause I don't wanna do nothin' to trip us up.
Both in the program, Cherien. I just want to be your friend.
And there's still so much to discuss.
Sammy falls asleep real easy. Oh, I love kids.
Let's go.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Doorbell Ringing ]
[ Knocking ]
Sam, Mama's home!
I'm here to pick you up!
- Hello to you too. Who's your friend? - None of your damn business.
Hi, Mom. I missed you.
Sam-antha.
Hi. Hi.
So, this is my little girl.
Hello. And, uh, you better go get your stuff, honey,
'cause nice Mr. Blue's gonna give us a ride home.
Hey, I know you. You're Rudy Blue. You used to play for the Cubs.
Yeah, and the A's and Royals and Rangers and--
And the Mariners and the Angels and the Braves. Oh, my God.
I am a huge fan.
Sammy and I, we order up Rudy's Chili and Fries probably three times a week.
- Great, great. Thanks. - Rudy Blue, in my own house.
With my ex-wife.
- Yeah. - Don't you listen to him, Rudy.
He's just tryin' to kiss your ass. [ Chuckles ]
Where's my video? You better find it, because I'm gonna burn this place down.
Cherien, instead of subjecting our guest to your insanity,
perhaps we should deal with our problems in private.
Will you wait for me? Sure.
Well, I'll just be a little bitty minute.
Okay. Okay?
So sorry about this. Help yourself to a drink.
- Drinks are in the kitchen. Mi casa, su casa. - Great. Thanks.
[ Dahlia, Indistinct ]
- [ Wayne ] What do you care? - [ Dahlia ] I'm naked in it! What do you think?
[ Wayne ] What, are you gonna put it on the Internet?
- [ Dahlia ] Oh, screw you! - [ Wayne ] Who would want to see you naked?
[ Dahlia ] You're doing this to piss me off.
- [ Wayne ] Fine. Where is it? - [ Dahlia ] You have it.
[ Wayne ] I don't want it anyway. Just stop blogging about my sex life.
[ Dahlia ] Hey, this is a free country. I can write whatever I want.
Jesus Christ. [ Wayne ] One more stunt like that, and I will sue your ass!
Are you really a baseball player?
Yeah, well, I used to be. My Daddy's gonna buy a baseball team.
Oh, he is, huh?
Well, you know, baseball teams cost an awful lot of money. I know.
Once his new deal closes, he's gonna be richer than God.
It's a secret though. I can't even tell Mom.
[ Dahlia ] Jesus Christ, Doug. Don't try to pull that shit on me.
- Not after last time. - [ Wayne ] Oh, that's enough, Cherien.
One more stunt like this, I'll sue your ass.
I am so sorry, Rudy, but Doug and I still have a few things to fight about like cats and dogs.
May take a while. Can I call you in the morning?
Yeah. Yeah, sure thing. Okay, great.
Good night. Thank you so much.
[ Dahlia ] Bye-bye. [ Door Opens ]
[ Door Closes ]
So what do you guys think?
Is he a gut guy or a research guy? [ Together ] Gut guy.
You guys, if he does even a little bit of research on Doug Rich, well, he's gonna--
He'll find Doug Rich, a respectable lawyer...
working for a respectable real estate firm.
I don't understand why we can't just call the guy.
No, baby, you never, ever call the mark.
He's gotta call us. We can't call him.
Gotta set the bait. See, if he takes it...
and he calls, he's the right guy, and if he doesn't--
Then he's the wrong guy, never was the right guy. Yeah.
But I think he's gonna call. I think Rudy's the man.
You know-- Eat that.
Listen, he's just out of jail.
Man's got a lot to prove to people that he's still worth somethin'.
Yeah, and as much as he wants into Mom's pants,
I think he wants into this gig a little bit more.
I don't know, Dad. It's a long shot. Maybe.
Ye children of little faith.
[ Cell Phone Buzzing ]
Oh. [ Cael ] No.
Could be. [ Cael ] No way.
- [ Di Di ] Come on. - Come on.
Doug Rich.
Rudy. Oh. [ Scoffs ]
Shh.
Yeah?
I could do lunch.
- [ Squeals ] - Know it? Yeah, I know it.
I will meet you there. I'll meet you there for lunch.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Hey. Whoo!
All right, all right. I stand corrected. Awesome! Ow.
My boobies are gettin' credit for this one, I'm tellin' you.
[ Woman ] This way. You're pretty sly, Rudy.
Snagging one of my business cards?
Well, I just thought we had a few things in common.
It seems you know baseball. You know Cherien.
I don't know how to tell you this, slugger, but she is a nutcase.
Oh, well, she seemed pretty sweet to me.
When she wants you to do something, you do it.
And then she'll turn around and she'll bite your head off, you know?
And sex--
- Sex was dangerous. - Really?
Different positions.
She loved to try out many different positions.
And she's--
she's double-jointed, and I'm not.
Oh. So it was a challenge.
I shouldn't be talking about this.
But aside from the sex, you know, everything else was a catastrophe.
I mean, she lies like a rug. She spends like a sailor.
Doug, I-- I know exactly what you mean.
My ex-wife, she's taken so much money from me, I can't even live off the interest anymore.
Must have been making the wrong investments, my friend.
Is that why you asked me to lunch?
Well, you know, I heard you had something goin'.
Uh, it's-- You're-- You're into real estate, right?
I love the land, Rudy. So what exactly is this deal?
Did she tell you about Edenfalls II?
No, no, no. It wasn't Cherien. It was--
Nah, you don't need to cover for her. She does this.
She thinks I'm gonna make a killing and she wants in on it.
And sure, it's a good investment, but it's closed.
I'm sorry. Oh.
How closed?
It's a tricky investment, Rudy.
You know, I can't open it to inexperienced investors.
I've analyzed a profitable opportunity. We've gotta move fast.
Doug, I used to assess knuckleballs in less than a second.
That fast enough for you?
Less than a second?
Come on.
The spotted crawfish.
What? It's an endangered species.
Lives on a piece of prime real estate about 60 miles north of here.
215 acres, beautiful, lush green land just begging for concrete.
Sad sack who owns it has been stuck with it for the last 30 years.
Point bein'? Point being that in the last 30 years,
the little spotters have gone crazy, screwing all over the place.
Fish and Wildlife no longer need to protect them.
So now the land can be developed.
They're lifting the restrictions on Monday.
Okay, okay. How do you know that?
Got someone on the inside. How inside?
Undersecretary of the interior inside. Wow.
So Mr. S. Sack, who owns the land, is now quite a happy man.
[ Chuckles ] I'll bet he is. He's gonna be in some serious cash on Monday.
No. What?
He doesn't know about Monday.
And on Saturday, he's gonna sell his land to me and my investors.
Oh.
Doug, you make me one of those investors,
and I swear to God, you can call it Rudy Blue Estates if you want to.
Cael, you're on the inside. Di Di, you're on the inside.
Sammy, you're on the inside too.
- [ Di Di ] Dad, who's on the outside? - Does anybody else think...
that the inside-outside problem is just about the smallest one we have?
Hey.
I hate doing this nympho routine.
- [ Laughs ] - Don't laugh.
I'm sorry. I'm just-- I'm feelin' him up. I'm all over him.
It don't feel good. He's just about to put the moves on me, and I can't really blame him.
Did you hear any of that? No.
- Okay, good. - Well, rub his back and remind him you're in the program.
[ Cael ] Okay, I-- I really need to figure somethin' out here.
So we're gonna get some guy to sell a bunch of fake land...
to you and Rudy and a bunch of other guys, right?
- Investors. - Investors, yeah.
So the question is, who are the investors? Who's the guy?
- Who is anyone involved in this plan? - Yeah, who are the shills, Dad?
- This is a big operation. - We don't know any shills here, Wayne.
- The only people we know here are the pool guy and Nina. - We got a pool guy?
What about the people from the trailer park?
They would need the money. They're completely unskilled.
They took 200 bucks off your dad.
They live in a trailer park, you guys. They have to act like millionaires.
We act like millionaires. [ Wayne ] I will check them out.
But we gotta make the play on Saturday, 'cause that's when the office is empty.
It's not empty. Hugh works there on Saturdays.
- Gotta get him out of there somehow. - This is insane, Dad.
- Why? - Because we can't do this.
I mean, half a million dollars? We don't even know what that means.
Uh, look, the biggest thing that we've ever done...
is to sell bogus condos out of that strip mall on Myrtle Beach.
It was just a couple grand for finder's fees.
Di Di, we live in this house.
I know, Mom, but people like us, we don't make that kind of money.
People make money like this all the time.
Yeah, but we don't know what we're doing.
I mean, we're totally in over our heads here. You know that.
So what?
We didn't know what we were doin' when we first came here.
Your dad needs our help, okay? So we're gonna help him.
If he don't get this money, he's gonna lose his job.
And if he loses his job, you're gonna lose this sweet life you like so much.
So either we go or we stay. But if we stay, you gotta roll with it.
[ Sniffing ]
Cherien!
What the hell is that smell?
Oh, the rug cleaners were here. It was spot testing.
They're gonna clean the whole office tomorrow.
Mm-mmm-mmm. Tomorrow's Saturday. I gotta work.
Well, you have to work at home. No, I'm gonna work here, Cherien, like I always do.
Okay. I'm sure they can just work around you.
I don't think the chemicals'll be too bad.
What do they got goin' here? "Mono tetrachloride,
"sodium ozone phosphate,
nitric-gastro-hydraulic mercury."
Ah, should be fine.
I'll let 'em know you'll be here.
[ Sniffing ] Damn.
Acting? What kind of acting?
Are there gonna be cameras? I don't want cameras.
- Shut up, Gerard. - There will be no cameras, Gerard.
For the sum of $1,000 apiece,
you will be acting in a theatrical event.
You will be acting in a training seminar.
Like for emergencies. Like for emergencies.
Like for investments.
Like for an emergency investment.
This cash can be yours. No taxes. No withholding.
No questions asked. Is that last part clear?
Fine. But what's in it for us?
Money, Gerard. Christ!
Look, how do we know you'll come through?
Air Force One, keep it as collateral.
But no test drives, okay? It's on fumes.
- [ Cell Phone Buzzing ] - Oh, hang on.
Excuse me, gentlemen, lady.
Rudy.
Yeah. What is it?
[ Hugh Coughing ]
- Holy crap. - Oh, my gosh. Are you okay?
[ Gags ] My throat's closin' up.
Should never have hired those shithead rug cleaners.
[ Groans ]
What are you lookin' at?
[ Coughs ]
[ Cell Phone Ringing ]
How are the investors?
A little scary actually.
One of them particularly.
But Mr. Blue called, your friend.
He's worried about a losing streak,
so you better go around there and rub his thighs and turn him into a fire.
Rudy, thank you so much for meeting me.
'Cause I was shoppin', and I almost pulled a store clerk...
into the dressing room, made him, you know--
God, man! I really feel like I can talk to you, you know?
[ Chuckles ] And I feel like I can talk to you too, Cherien.
Great, 'cause I need your help.
I haven't had sex in 14 hours. Make me kind of jittery, you know?
Anyway, how are you? I'm good. Good.
I had lunch with Doug.
My Doug? Mm-hmm.
We're gonna do a little business deal together. No, no.
I do not know how I feel about my boyfriend and my ex-husband doin' deals together.
Wait. I'm not your boyfriend, Cherien.
[ Chuckling ] You know?
I mean, well, I would be. I-I-I-I'm tempted.
I'm-- I'm really tempted.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You're right.
I keep forgettin'. I forget we're in program-- in program.
We don't-- We don't think about each other that way no more.
Right. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
We grown.
It's a door we choose not to open.
Right.
So, I figured it would be okay to invest a little money with Doug.
Sure. And-- And-- And here's the thing.
Um, the thing is, I'd--
I'd really like you to come to the meeting with me.
What meeting?
Uh, this little investor thing.
Truth is, uh, my ex-wife made all the big money decisions.
I-- I tell people that she didn't, but she really did.
She was very good at it.
Well, let's just say, since the divorce,
I haven't exactly been hittin' 'em out of the park, you know?
I even tried not changin' my socks for a while.
But, uh, anyway, I was thinkin'...
if I had another smart, really pretty woman sittin' next to me--
Oh, Rudy. You see?
Y'all don't need me.
A man of your accomplishments, your achievements--
Everything you've done on the field... and off,
you don't need anyone.
But I gotta say, there's nothin' turns me on more...
than an accomplished, money-makin' man.
And that's the truth.
So, Rudy,
I would be so,
so honored to be with you.
Yes, Rudy.
Yes, I will go to your meeting with you.
Okay? Okay.
Okay, pack this stuff up. Everything in boxes. Move this thing out here.
Okay, I want this table to the right, this table around to the left.
Whose left? His left? No, Gerard, his left.
Just that way. This one comes around here.
This one forms a line, like trying to create an amphitheater here. This is opera!
Look, don't question me. I am the director and you guys are the actors, okay?
Okay, honey, gettin' a little vein poppin' in your neck. You need to breathe. Now, look.
Our test client's gonna be here in an hour.
-You're just gonna sit quiet and pretend to be millionaires. -She's playin' a millionaire?
- Shut the hell up, Gerard. - Would you be quiet, please? My stylist's gonna come.
You're all gonna get nice clothes, and you're gonna look like millionaires.
She probably once blew a millionaire. Oh, my God.
[ Woman ] Shut the hell up. Okay, I love where we're going here, but it's not helping.
Um, Gerard, this is what you're gonna do.
You're gonna be Mr. Balsam, heir to the Balsam fortune.
Got it? Who are you? Gerard.
No. Uh, Mr. Balsam.
Okay. Fred, you are gonna be a Mr. Marsho, all right? Of the Marsho hedge fund.
Marsho. What's a hedge fund?
You know, when you keep something in a hedge?
Well, imagine a fund in a hedge.
Um, Imelda, I want you to be Senora Bolivar.
All right? C.E.O. of Argentina Transmobile.
How's your Spanish?
Oh, es perfecto. Gracias, papito. That's easy for you to say.
Uh, Cael, what you gonna be?
Uh, Dieter Platter, German Internet genius.
Yeah, a very quiet genius. Okay.
Olin. Where's Olin? [ Snoring ]
[ Fred ] Olin! Snap out of it!
You don't have to yell.
Olin, this is important. You're a key player here.
You're Mr. Abbott. You are the seller.
Oh, Jesus, Wayne. He is drunk off his ass.
Olin, this is 9:00 in the morning.
Just gimme some coffee. I'll be fine. [ Gerard ] No, he won't be.
He's on a bender. He's gonna wreck our whole show.
- What the hell do you care? - I care because I'm a professional.
A professional gas station attendant.
- I'm a musician, you two-bit whore. - [ All Shouting ]
Hey! Mr. Blue just called.
He's on his way. He'll be here at 10:00.
Okay, everybody, remember what I'm saying. Do this. Work things out.
Help me here, okay? Everybody help me.
Put those in there. And you know what, sweetheart?
Please don't steal anything. It won't fit down your tube top. All right, all right.
Olin, snap out of it.
[ Olin ] You do not have to yell.
Take those off. Try these.
You are looking good, Olin.
I think I need more concealer shit.
[ Fred ] He's good, isn't he? Oh, yeah, he's the best.
Okay, Imelda, honey, you gotta come out. He's gonna be here any minute.
No. They're gonna laugh at me. No one will laugh at you.
Okay, the thing to remember is at the right time, do not forget to take out your cell phones.
- [ Cael ] Ferrari, 2:00. - He's here!
All right, places. Come on, people.
Imelda, come out! All right, keep your hair on.
You say anything, I'll rip your friggin' head off.
Imelda, tattoo.
Rudy, good to see ya.
So you want in on this after all?
Yeah, well, I'm thinkin' yeah. Yeah, probably. I, uh--
Abbott's here. He is so glad to be unloading this land.
Yeah. Sure you want to do this?
Because I will happily put in another 500 grand for your share.
[ Scoffs ]
Hello, Rudy. Sorry I'm late.
What are you doing here? This is invitation only. I was invited.
Right, Rudy?
Hey, you are bringing a date to a limited partnership offering?
He's not my date. He is my sponsor.
Mr. Abbott is getting very impatient. He says he has a 2:00 charity function.
Thank you, Di-- Helen.
This way. Ah.
I'd really like it if she could be here, if you don't mind.
I promised I'd look after her. You know, she is horny as a toad, that one.
Well, it's your funeral.
You've got a-- Yeah.
So, Mr. Abbott,
I think you'll find the price of three million dollars...
is more than fair.
And I strongly suspect that you will find it very difficult...
to get that price from any other buyer, especially considering that your land...
has endangered species, zoning restrictions...
and that no development is possible upon your land.
I know the development was one of the things you were hoping for.
That development was one of your hopes.
- Mr. Abbott! - Yes? Yes, I had hoped to develop.
Alas.
Alas, yes.
So, therefore,
as environmentally, socially conscious, aware people,
we believe that your land would be perfect...
for a bird sanctuary, named after yourself--
the Abbott Aviary Habitat.
And not only that. We will build a visitor center for this bird sanctuary,
which will be called the Abbott Aviary Habitat Visitor Center.
Whoever can say that quickly will win an award.
This is the idea, this is the scope of what we want to do with your beautiful land.
And we will buy your land for twice what you paid for it in 1974.
So, Mr. Abbott, what do you say?
Well, all right.
Yes. I might as well sell.
Excellent. Now if you could just sign the contract.
Mm-hmm.
You look so rich.
[ Snarls ]
[ Olin ] There you go. It's all yours.
Thank you, Mr. Abbott.
- If you would just follow Helen here. - This way, Mr. Abbott.
Say, you know, can I just ask one thing?
- [ Wayne ] Afraid we have no more time for questions. - Uh, aren't you Rudy Blue?
Yep, that's me.
Hey, shit the bed, I thought so.
I thought that-- You-- You know, I gotta tell you,
- you are my favorite player of all time. - Thank you. Thank you.
Well, thank you for that, Mr. Abbott. So, I just--
My God, man. Hey, and I say this from my heart.
You have got to lay off that underage pussy!
Baby.
Hey, look, can't I just stay and watch?
[ Di Di ] Look, you just sold three million dollars' worth of land, buddy.
You don't just stand around and watch after that.
I know. But if I can get his autograph, I can sell it on eBay.
This'll cover the autograph.
Well, I--
And so, ladies and gentlemen,
say good-bye to the Abbott Aviary Habitat Visitor Center,
and say hello to Edenfalls II.
Edenfalls II.
144 luxury homes in a garden setting...
with a gated community around you.
Gated, of course, to keep out the riffraff.
A safe, secure community.
A safe, secure investment.
And you're sure the protection is gonna be lifted on Monday?
I'm sure as sure. I happen to have some photos...
of Mr. Undersecretary underneath his secretary.
So we are assured of his assurance. [ Chuckles ]
I'm in.
- Sounds good. - [ Wayne ] Very good. Now if you could just turn...
to the red folder, the limited partnership agreement, and sign that,
that would be wonderful.
[ Indistinct ]
What? Baby?
I just can't.
Oh, Rudy, come on. No, no, no, no, no.
Is there a problem?
No. Rudy? There's no problem.
No. There's no problem, is there?
Listen, it's extortion. It's illegal.
Well, it's only a little illegal.
Yeah, but it's illegal.
I just got out of jail. I-- I can't do stuff like this.
When you've done that, then if you could please phone your bankers...
and transfer the money into the Panco account.
[ Phones Beeping ]
[ Clears Throat ]
- [ Speaking Spanish ] - Please make the transaction.
[ Speaking Italian ]
[ German Accent ] Yes, please wire the money.
No, I don't understand why this is so difficult for you. Thank you.
665-96-65.
Please sign. Please.
[ Sighs ]
[ Rudy ] Banco Rio Dinero?
Transfer 500,000 to Panco, Inc.
Yes, 11356.
Gracias.
Rudy Blue. [ Giggles ]
Thank you so much.
Nobody move! Robert Chin, F.B.I.
You are all under arrest for conspiracy to commit real estate fraud.
- Who is this? What's going on? - You didn't tell me there'd be cops.
All right. Everyone calm down. Agent Chin, I'm sure we can work something out.
Uh-huh. I've got it all on tape. You are all looking at 30 to life.
- What? Thirty? - What?
What did you get me into? I'll be deported. I'll go to jail!
Sit down. Get back. No! You won't take me to jail!
- [ Gunshot ] - [ Screams ]
- [ Gasps ] - [ Cael ] Okay.
Jesus, he's dead.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Holy crap.
You killed an F.B.I. agent. I didn't mean to. I-- I panicked.
- Yeah, forget it. We're out of here. - No, no, no. You gotta help me.
[ Imelda Screams ] [ Wayne ] No. You can help us. Come back.
Just help us in here. Rudy, you'll help us.
- No. This is gonna go viral. - [ Dahlia ] No one has to know you were ever here.
He got it all on tape. Well, we'll destroy the tape.
We'll destroy the body. What, are you insane?
We won't destroy the body. No, no. Destroy it.
[ Groans ] Just-- No, baby, don't go. Please, I need you.
What if one of them tells? No, they can't tell. They're accessories to murder.
Accessories? They're-- Holy mother of shit!
Listen, I want my money back. No, we can't get the money back. It's in Panco already.
But it's a very good investment-- 33% over two years.
All right, I'm a silent partner, you understand? For all you know, I'm still in prison.
Oh, Jesus. I could go back to prison. Rudy, I love you.
- Oh, stay away from me, both of you! - Rudy, wait!
[ Rudy ] Aw, shit! Call me.
It's not as bad as it seems. Will you-- Away! Get away!
[ Sighs ]
- You died so well. - [ Dahlia ] Uh-huh.
[ Wayne ] Very good, Bob. That is the end of the emergency training program.
And I think we really learned something here today.
- That was so great. - [ Wayne ] Very good. Here we go.
How was it? I thought maybe I came in a little early,
and I think I could have been stronger on that second line.
No, no. It was very good. It was-- It was-- It was real.
It was very precise. You were in the moment.
Your intentions were good. That's the main thing.
Here. Little something for yourself. These seminars are so great.
I don't get a lot of opportunities to practice my craft.
- No, I know. - So, y-you all can come next week?
- Uh, that would be? - Cats. I play-- I play Bustopher Jones.
- Community Playhouse on Lake Street. It's Saturday night. - [ Wayne ] Okay.
- All right. Great. - Oh, hey, Bob?
Next week, with the pool, little less chlorine. [ Clicks Tongue ]
Sure thing, Mrs. Rich. Hey, thanks.
[ Dahlia ] Oh, my God.
Holy shit.
We just made half a million dollars.
Panco just made half a million dollars.
We didn't make a thing.
That's great. Good for Panco.
We were really good.
I was really good. No, I was better.
But I was good. I did a lot of stuff.
[ Laughs ]
[ Wayne Moans ]
Next time we should keep the money.
Do you think?
Well, I wouldn't have to pretend to be a lawyer.
You wouldn't have to pretend to do...
whatever it is Hugh wants you to do.
Well-- [ Sighs ]
You got a job, and I got a job.
[ Sighs ] The kids are in school.
We live here now.
We do?
Yeah.
[ Moans ]
So what do we do now?
I thought you knew.
No. [ Laughs ] You know.
Rudy Blue? Rudy Blue is your guy?
It did take two days,
but ultimately I persuaded him that real estate is a solid investment.
You got Rudy Blue to invest $500,000 in Panco?
Yes. But he wants to remain anonymous.
No publicity. He's actually a very shy man.
I think he's becoming a recluse. Huh.
How'd you talk him into it, Doug?
I just persuaded him that trust is an important thing, that he should trust me.
Could sell the hair off a dog, couldn't you?
[ Chuckles ] You know, maybe I--
Maybe I should make you a partner.
What the hell! There's another one!
Looks like a blood stain. Oh, my gosh.
Uh-- Those rug cleaners. I don't know what they used, but it did not work.
You should see over by my desk. Hellacious mess.
You were right, Hugh. I never should have hired them shitheads.
Mm-hmm.
All right then. Back to work.