Previously on The Riches.
Do you really think Dad has a plan?
He stole the money. Ma lost the money.
And now we're here in a dead guy's house.
- [ Wayne ] Doug Rich was a litigator. - Hi. Doug Rich.
You have to be the worst lawyer in the world.
I am. And you-- You're fired.
The new guy doesn't know anything!
You wanna be a partner? That's what I went to law school for.
Okay, man. In the meantime, you need to invite me to a dinner.
A dinner? I check out your house, your friends, your family,
see if you're partnership material.
[ Dahlia ] This is Chunky Kay.
She was my cellie in prison.
Man, this whole maid thing's really weirdin' me out.
If I don't work for you, I gotta work for somebody.
I want you to think of three adjectives that describe Doug and Cherien.
And if I like your adjectives, I'm gonna make Doug here a partner. If I don't,
he's out on the street.
- [ Sniffing ] - Jesus Christ.
- Shut the goddamn door! - You want to make me a partner right now? Right here?
[ Hugh ] Why the hell not? Maybe later.
I wanted to be a partner. Something about it makes me sick to my stomach.
Well, we're turnin' into buffers, baby.
You want some?
No.
If you decide you do want some,
I'll just leave it right there for you.
[ Dahlia ] Don't. So stop me then.
[ Birds Chirping ] [ Dog Barking In Distance ]
Why didn't you come to bed last night?
Huh? What's the matter with you?
I saw the little baggie your friend Kay passed you last night,
the one with the white powder in it.
She left it here.
I just can't take the lying.
That's what I can't take.
- I'm not lying, Wayne. I told you. I'm off that shit. - Really?
Yeah. 'Cause after you went to sleep,
I went around the house, and I found about 15 bottles of tranquilizer...
hidden all over the place.
You must be the most tranquil person on the goddamn planet.
Has it ever crossed your mind I might need it to get off the meth?
Well, why didn't you tell me?
Because maybe I did not think you would understand.
Bet Hugh understands. You do it with him too?
Oh, my God. Jesus.
Isn't it enough that I'm not taking the shit anymore? Huh?
What do you want from me? [ Sam ] Mom, Dad,
I need somebody to sign my permission slip.
Science museum, huh? Yeah, we're seeing an exhibit on global warming.
Don't you need to get to work?
I don't know.
- Probably. - Dad, are you gonna quit your job?
I don't know.
Is that why...
you were sleeping on the floor in my room last night?
Because you're gonna quit?
I think that's between him and Mom. No. No, it's not about Mom.
I was just thinking life is too short to work for assholes.
Remember that.
Calm down. There's a million buffer jobs out there.
It says here they're looking for a cashier at Wiener Hut.
Sammy, there's no way that anybody in Edenfalls could live on minimum wage, okay?
- Just forget that. - Would you relax? I'm Doug Rich.
I'm a high-profile lawyer, okay?
I've settled two major cases. Hell, I'm a member of Edenfalls Country Club,
and your mom's still got the job at Panco.
Dahlia. You're gonna be late.
Dahlia?
Coming.
Oh, no. No, no. No. Hey.
I was gonna flush it! I was gonna flush it!
I was! I swear! I was gonna flush it.
How big a supply is this?
A month? A week? No. You gotta believe me. I was gonna flush it.
You gotta believe me. If you're gonna do this shit, I'm gonna do it too.
No. I was gonna flush it, Wayne. No! No!
[ Grunts ]
Now I believe you.
God! [ Coughing ]
[ Breathing Heavily ]
God!
Are you crazy? [ Wayne Coughing ]
I mean, are you trying to kill yourself?
I don't know. Are you?
Of all the assaholic things you have ever done, this is the most assaholic!
Are you aware of how much of this shit you did?
I am so sorry. I forgot to read the Crankhead's Handbook.
[ Coughing ] Oh, yeah. It burns.
That's right. That shit is lethal, Wayne.
You better get to work, 'cause I think I quit.
[ Breathing Heavily ] Jesus Christ.
Okay. If you let the kids see you like this, I'm gonna rip your nuts off.
I can't tell if I'm enjoying your reaction because it's actually gratifying...
or 'cause the meth is kickin' in.
[ Inhales ]
[ Exhales ] Jesus.
[ Sam ] Mortgage: four grand a month.
Uh, Rosemere Academy is $4,500 a month.
Um, Edenfalls Country Club is a thousand dollars a month.
Temple membership. Water, electric, telephone.
Sam. Will you stop, okay? He's not gonna quit.
He might. Somethin' went down with him and Mom at that party.
Okay. Why are we gettin' a bill from Mountain View Nursing Home for $4,700 a month?
Must be where Cherien's mother is. He was never gonna make it in the corporate world anyway.
- God knows Mom's not gonna hang on to a job. - So, what are we gonna do?
What we always do. Move somewhere else. And-- And what?
Go back to stealing wallets and rippin' off car stereos?
Yeah, maybe you can wear a mustache this time.
You see, that sounds really fun to me.
Okay. Does Mom make $14,723.51 per month?
'Cause that's what we're gonna need.
That's after taxes, buddy. You gotta add 35%.
Okay. Do not go upstairs. Your dad has food poisoning.
Mom, do you make $19,876.74-- Do not go upstairs.
Okay?
[ Dog Barking In Distance ]
[ Engine Starts ]
- [ Kimmie ] Where's Doug? - Hey. Doug.
Hey. It's me. Uh, are you there?
I know you're there. I just want to make sure you're still alive, huh?
No. Oh, he had bad clams.
Would you call me, you asshole.
So, Doug's not comin' in? Who the hell cares?
Uh, Hugh does. He called from Reno.
The REIT is gonna be here at 9:00 for the closing. He needs Doug to answer questions.
The REIT? The Real Estate Investment Trust.
They're buying that office tower. Hugh left the papers on his desk.
Okay. Um, well, I'll handle that.
Now, Kimmie, you know how to work the Google thing, huh?
Can you find out what a person's supposed to do if another person does a whole shitload of meth?
- Is it the one where you pack their head in ice? - Huh?
I'm-- I'm givin' an antidrug talk at my kids' school.
- Oh. - Okay?
[ Beeping ] Okay.
[ Ringing ] My monthly expenses are $19,000!
[ Wayne's Voice ] Hi. This is the Riches. We're not here at the moment.
$19,000! Ninet--
I gotta get a job. [ Dahlia ] Wayne?
Wayne. Wayne. Pick up the goddamn phone.
Wayne, it's me. Pick up the phone.
I understand you got a hiring freeze, Craig. [ Dahlia ] I know you're there.
[ Craig ] It's not just the hiring freeze, Doug. [ Dahlia ] You're high, Wayne.
- [ Beeps ] - "Extreme euphoria, anxiety, aggressiveness,
hostility, paranoia, mania, excessive talkativeness."
It doesn't say what to do, but-- Oh, check out the symptoms of overdose.
"Nerve damage, kidney failure, convulsions, hallucinations, stroke, heart attack."
That ought to scare the kids, huh? Yeah.
You better go in there. They're gonna have questions.
Okay. Call Doug. You read him that list of symptoms.
'Cause he's gonna have to do the drug talk for the kids. [ Sniffs ]
[ Kimmie On Answering Machine ] Doug? Doug, Cherien wanted me to read you these symptoms.
"Aggressiveness, hostility, paranoia, excessive talkativeness"--
Shit. "rapid breathing, extreme sex drive,
sweating, heart palpitations"--
Okay. Uh--
These here. All right.
So, I'm gonna, uh, notarize the stuff.
Uh, Panetta said we should talk to head of Legal before we sign.
Well, the head of Legal kicked it upstairs to me.
$19,000. I mean, how the hell did I get here?
[ Woman ] I hear ya. And that's before you're blowing 45 grand a year on college.
Forty-five grand? I mean, how the hell do you pay it?
Took out a second and a third mortgage. Goddamn it.
Look, Doug. I wish we had an opening here, but the truth is, even if we did have one--
Look, I know. I'm not a defense litigator, but--
[ Woman ] I hate to sound harsh, but we need someone--
[ Scoffs ] Shouldn't we read 'em first?
Sure. Whatever blows your hair back.
[ Overlapping Voices ] Don't need anyone right now. Not now. Not now. No. No. No.
God.
"We'd like to thank you for giving us the opportunity to meet with us.
It was a pleasure to discuss the"-- Hayden-Javitz!
"We're so sorry you declined to accept this position. Should you ever recons--"
[ Beeping, Line Ringing ]
[ Woman ] Law office. Hayden-Javitz?
Just to put your kid through one year of college costs $45,000.
And I didn't even go to college.
Of course I went to college. I went to...
Georgetown University to do my college degree,
and then I went to Har-- Princeton University, and I studied law again.
I have done a lot of extracurricular activities.
I was in an eating club where we ate a lot of food. That's the thing you do there.
And I was in-- was Prince Dauntless in Once Upon a Time on a Mattress.
I was a very excellent leading man.
Dear God, you may ask, why I put that on my résumé. I ask why I put it on my résumé.
But it's on the résumé to show you who I am.
If I could just talk to Mr. Javitz, I could explain-- Fine.
I'll call the managing partner and I'll ask if he'll see you, okay?
Just please have a seat. I will.
Please.
[ Line Ringing ]
I have a-- a Mr. Rich out here in the lobby with a file of wrinkled-up papers,
saying he wants to meet you.
[ Line Ringing ] [ Dahlia ] Wayne, where the hell are you?
Do you have any idea how much your mother's nursing home costs?
My mother's been dead for 32 years.
Mr. Rich,
our managing partner said he'd be delighted to see you.
Um, I have Doug Rich for you.
[ Exhales ]
Stewart. Holy shit!
I know. What are the odds?
Last time I saw you, you were all blurry...
'cause one of Panco's security goons was macing me.
No hard feelings, man.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Whoa.
Hey. You got my job. I got yours. Goes around, comes around.
Whoa! Whoa. That is--
Boy, that is really big. That is really, really big, you know?
[ Laughing ] I fired you, man.
Nah. That was Hugh's thing.
- Survival of the fittest. - Well, talk about Darwinian.
You know how much it costs to send your kids to college?
It never ends. [ Chuckles ] Friggin' gerbil wheel.
A sickness. We Americans never feel like we have enough.
- Why do you think that is? - I don't know.
Think it has to do with that goddamn Puritan work ethic?
- Huh? Workin' and workin' and workin'? - Absolutely.
It all goes back to that psychotic dickhead Myles Standish.
You know, he-- You know he was only 4 foot 11?
[ Chuckles ] I mean! You know?
A major Puritan, and 400 years later, we're still dealing with his short guy complex.
We gotta stop the madness, huh?
- We gotta say, "I have enough." - I have enough.
[ Chuckles ] You know what isn't enough, though, Doug?
Your new job here.
As a janitor.
Yeah? Yeah. A janitor.
You lousy prick.
Nobody fires my ass.
Now get the hell out of my office.
- You little shit! - Security!
Hey! Get off! Hey! He is a total fraud!
Look at the pictures in his office. They're not even his kids.
That's-- That's-- That's my résumé.
[ Chattering ]
I am...
unclear on item 15 sub "A."
Mm-hmm? Okay.
[ Buzzing, Chirping ] Excuse me.
Wayne? Where are you?
Do you know how much we pay for HBO?
Okay. Wayne, do not give me shit about HBO. Where the hell are you?
I'm here.
- I've had a wake-up call, Dahlia. - Where are you?
We don't need any of this shit.
It is time to say enough.
Wayne, will you just tell me, are you having chest pains? Okay?
And where'd you put all the goddamn pills? Did you throw 'em all out?
Did you throw out the ones underneath the garden gnome?
If you didn't, would you please take five of 'em? Fine.
- But we gotta cut out HBO. - HBO.
We gotta stop drinking those lattes.
We gotta stop using cell phones and the Internet and the cable, and we--
we gotta reuse paper towels, 'cause you know what?
Nobody wants Doug Rich.
- Oh, my God. - He is an old, sleazy, washed-up nothing.
- Okay. - But that's okay, 'cause we don't need any of this shit.
Wayne. Wayne. You know?
- The Pilgrims didn't even have paper towels. - Wayne.
You wouldn't have had Squanto sitting on the edge of Plymouth Rock...
watching HBO, for God's sakes, or...
paying a nursing home $4,700 a month.
- Jesus Christ! - Wayne!
[ Clicks, Dial Tone ] Shit.
[ Wayne On Phone ] $2,300 for a single room?
What are you, the Ritz-Carlton?
- You pay a premium for privacy. - She doesn't like privacy. She likes lots of people.
I mean, she-- she's lonely. [ Computer Chirps ]
Mom is very, very lonely.
You know the search for individual freedom, which-- and I'm quoting Mom here--
has led to a culture of alienation and anomie,
which ironically leads us to spend more and more money...
trying to fill the howling, aching-- [ Beeps ]
empty-- [ Typing ]
Are y-- Are you answering e-mails?
I'm multitasking, Mr. Rich. What do you want?
I want to know what the hell this medical charge is for 1,580.22.
We had to put Dr. Morganstern on oxygen.
Paying for her doctor's medical bills as well?
Your mother-in-law is Dr. Morganstern, and she needs oxygen.
Oh. Oh. So you're charging her to breathe now.
Well, that's illegal. She doesn't want to live like that.
Hooked up to an oxygen tent-- what kind of life is that?
Tell her it'll be okay if she lets go.
You know? Tell her to let go. Tell her to go towards the light. They love that.
[ Clicks, Dial Tone ] Tell-- Hello?
I just need a little clearing up on article 41.
Okay. You know what? I don't give a good goddamn about article 41, buddy.
[ Chuckles ]
I have to say...
I think we've been really good sports about the lack of clarity in these documents.
[ Exhales ] Okay.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
I have a relative with some addiction problems.
Oh.
- I'm sorry. - Yeah. Okay.
Shit. Let's look at article 41.
You know, uh-- [ Clears Throat ] I, uh--
I hope this doesn't cross the line, but...
you've seemed quite upset all morning, and...
I just want to say...
my son's had some addiction issues.
He's been in and out of rehab.
Well, I just mean that I-- I know how it can rip your guts out.
Can you not read the sign?
Says "No Solicitors."
Uh, I can read.
Um, I just thought you might like to know that your-- your roof is lookin' a little tired.
Please don't make me call Security. Uh, I--
I also-- I also do house painting and hauling.
I've already availed my services to some of your neighbors.
Your-- Your backdoor neighbor in 1405.
Doug Rich? No. No. That's not his name.
Uh, fella with a beard, three kids, big old Mercedes-Benz in the driveway.
Yeah. That's Doug Rich. That's his name? You sure about that?
Well, I think I would remember his name. That prick screwed me out of $10 million.
Ten million dollars?
Doug Rich screwed you out of $10 million? Mm-hmm.
You were robbed. That is--
That is a gross overcharge for aluminum siding.
Do I look like someone who uses aluminum sidin'?
He's a lawyer. That shit-suckin' bastard.
Would you care for a fresh latte, Dale?
We do not euthanize our patients, sir. Read our mission statement.
I am just trying to understand what is this charge for $279.50 for miscellaneous?
Miscellaneous is the cappuccino cart.
- She bought a cappuccino cart? - We have a cappuccino cart.
It's one of our perks. Dear God. You must be peeling the old bat off the ceiling.
I mean, why can't she just rip some bark off a tree and chew it?
I mean, it's probably what Squanto used to do. Didn't cost him a dime.
- Bark is a natural stimulant. - You want your mother-in-law to chew bark?
Okay. You tell her.
Front desk, visitor for Dr. Morganstern.
No, no, no. Not now. I don't want to scare her. Look.
She's elderly and obviously over-caffeinated.
You know? This is just a recipe for cardiac arrest. [ Clears Throat ]
[ Man ] Too much foam, dear.
She doesn't want to see me. She hates lawyers.
I mean, Mom has had it with the litigious society.
Chances are she won't even remember you, Mr. Rich.
We had to move her to Ward "C."
Dr. Morganstern? Hon?
[ Sniffs ]
Your son-in-law is here.
Dr. Morganstern? Mmm, Mother?
Hi, it's Doug.
I've had some work done.
Mom?
Sometimes you have to speak up a little.
Hi, Mom. It's Doug.
Doug Rich. You remember?
- Who? - Doug.
- Doug Rich. - I'm Doug Rich.
I'm Doug Rich. I think--
I think you're-- you're Marvin O'Keiffe, sir.
I'm Doug Rich.
What is this, Spartacus? I'm Doug Rich.
Do not antagonize Mr. O'Keiffe.
You lousy sack of shit!
I'm Doug Rich.
Maybe you are Doug Rich.
Is that why I'm not getting any jobs?
You're causing me to be unemployed.
You're causing the supply of Doug Rich to greatly exceed the demand for Doug Rich.
Yeah. That's it.
Why is there no air in here? Come on, Ma.
- We're getting out of here. - Mr. Rich. She's not covered without a day release form.
We're going.
Thank you, Doug.
This is great.
This is a great idea. This is a great idea.
We're just gonna get some air.
[ Inhales Deeply ]
You all right there, Ma?
[ Inhales Deeply ]
Isn't this fun, Ma?
Okay. I'll put that-- Here we go.
We're gonna get some air. I bet you like this air.
This is real air, Mom. [ Moans ]
Got ya. I got ya.
I got ya. Okay. This is fun, huh?
Down. [ Mutters ] Watch your head there.
Back you go. Whoa. [ Chuckles ] Not so far back.
Huh? You have to go here.
It's like a ride. Here we go.
Okay.
[ Warning Tone Chiming ]
I made some calls.
What?
Yeah, yeah. Excellent plan.
Where's Cherien? Cherien?
Look, what kind of doctor are you anyway?
Tell me all about that. Where is Cherien?
No, no, no. We go to the park. What about that?
Do you want to go to the park? We could feed the ducks.
- Where is Cherien? - All right. I'll take you to Cherien, but...
she's changed.
She's changed an awful lot. More than me.
Okay?
And now...
he's living with some skank in Little Rock with maroon hair.
[ Sniffling ] And "Satan" tattooed on her neck.
[ Sobbing ]
Oh. Hey. Hold that thought.
[ Wayne ] I need the stuff. Just lattes. Where the hell have you been?
Got a surprise in the car. What happened to your suit?
Oh, it's a minor altercation. It's good. It's good.
Really cleared things up. Everything is totally clear.
This is a bad sign. That is a very bad sign.
No. It's a great sign, 'cause everything finally makes sense.
Everything is not supposed to make sense.
If it makes sense and everything is beautiful--
Everything is beautiful. Okay. You see, now you're tweakin'. All right?
This is very dangerous, Wayne. All these are just symptoms, okay?
These are symptoms. Euphoria, aggression,
heart palpitations, extreme sex drive-- all these things you're feeling right now.
Pretty soon you're gonna crash, you're gonna get suicidally depressed,
then you're maybe gonna feel like there's bugs crawling all over your skin.
Oh, I'm so glad you're better. I was all worried.
Kimmie. Oh. Oh.
I once ate bad herring, and I had the trots for a week. [ Chuckles ]
Oh, God. That means so much.
I mean, so many people don't give a shit about Doug Rich. Okay. That's--
[ Dahlia ] Okay. That's enough. [ Wayne ] Mmm!
Oh. That's enough.
[ Grunts ] Sorry. I'm experiencing extreme sex drive.
Get in your office now.
Okay. Now, what are you doing?
- Are you trying to blow this whole thing to hell? - How do you like it,
watching someone you love self-destruct?
This is your brain on drugs.
I feel so close to you now. There's no more bullshit. No lying.
Would you just put your pants back on, please?
I can't. This is extreme sex drive. I love you!
Wayne, this is the meth talking. You know what's happening right now?
You're gettin' a big release of dopamine in your prefrontal cortex.
That's makes two of us. Get off me. Get a grip on yourself!
I am not using.
Yeah? I'm supposed to believe that?
Oh, my God. Why? Do I look like you now? That what you think?
You think I'm all runnin' around with the crazy eyes,
humpin' the secretary, rantin' about Squanto?
No. I'm trying to keep a goddamn job together.
I'm trying to keep this together, Wayne. Do I seem like I am using?
Why would I think that? Did Hugh give you pills?
No, Wayne. No, he did not. Yeah, but he knew. You told him.
Everybody knew, Wayne. It was goddamned obvious. I never lied, okay?
Are you gettin' me? You are the only person who did not know,
because you were too busy lying to yourself.
Because, Wayne, that is what you do.
You stuff everything down, Wayne.
You try and make everything look pretty.
I think that's why you dragged us here to Edenfalls,
so we could live in this glittery pretend world and pretend to be happy.
You want me to be happy?
Huh? Then let me do drugs.
I thought we were in this together.
Did you drive here?
[ Grunts ] Your mother's in the car.
No. Don't go out there. No, Wayne.
I liberated her from the nursing home.
Look. She's completely senile. You gotta go down and say you're Cherien.
She won't go until she knows that Cherien is here. Cherien! Shush!
Be quiet. [ Sniffles ]
Stay here. Do not move.
I'm gonna go deal with the old lady.
Uh, he--
He had an allergic reaction.
To his pants?
Just don't let him leave the office.
You could go buff.
Buff or ecru. Or you could even go oatmeal.
And you can do the whole thing for 500?
Seeing as you're a preferred customer.
So, Doug Rich is a lawyer for a real estate company, huh?
Uh-huh. Shoes. [ Groans ]
Oh. I'm sorry.
Sorry.
And his real estate company screwed you out of $10 million?
That's right. Because of the legal action I filed against them.
Why'd you file a legal action?
Because they caused me irreparable harm and loss of limb.
Loss of limb?
No. Not my foot. I broke that on a stair.
I-It's still clearly attached to my body. You know what? I don't care to discuss it.
Please use the stain remover sparingly.
[ Squirting ]
It was your arm, wasn't it?
I believe I just said that I didn't care to discuss it.
And now you're ruining my shag. You know what?
My paint's fine. I do not need new paint. You are free to go.
And if you don't get those stains off my carpet, I will sue your ass.
[ Sighs ]
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Hi, Mama. Hi.
Oh, my goodness. Look at you. Don't you look fine?
Now, you might not even recognize me.
It's been a long time since we've seen each other.
I've had an extreme makeover. Okay?
I'm gonna take you back to the nursing home, honey.
[ Woman ] Wanna go get some lunch? [ Woman #2 ] Oh, I'd love to.
Ah. Here we go.
All right.
Oh, boy.
Well, I've had a personal setback today.
Thanks for that.
Doug's gone crazy.
I think he might have fried his brain.
Your hand is warm.
It's nice and warm.
Kind of nice having a mama.
Even a bullshit one like you.
I'm just kind of freaked out, you know?
I'm scared he might jump off a building when he crashes or...
try and drink himself to death because, you know,
that's what you do when you try and numb the crash.
Oh, my God. This is so wrong.
I don't know what I'm doin'.
I'm not supposed to be the strong one. I'm not.
You're not Cherien.
[ Phone Rings In Distance ]
[ Chattering ]
I'm sorry, Doug, but since you're here,
the REIT has some questions about the documents. What?
They're kind of waiting. Fine.
[ Spitting ]
Well, of course I'm Cherien. Y--
You know? Don't you recognize your own daughter?
You really are senile, Mom.
You're not Cherien. No.
I'll have a grande mochaccino.
Ooh. I gotta get you back to the nursing home, honey.
You know, I have to pee. Okay. Well, you can pee at the nursing home, hon.
I have to pee.
I have to pee! Okay, okay, okay. Don't pee now.
I'll take you to my house. You can pee there, okay? Okay?
You're not Cherien.
Cherien's a bitch.
[ Sniffs ]
Oh. [ Clears Throat ] There's, uh--
Uh, there's no provision in these contracts for our offer to be contingent on inspection.
You-- You-- You are the head of Legal, right?
Am I? Is that who I am?
I'm not sure what's real anymore.
I don't think the bugs are.
You know,
we run and we run and we run,
and we-- we feel we're getting closer to what we want,
but really we're just trying to pay the $19,876.74 a month.
I feel ya. Try being divorced.
Double everything.
Try being divorced twice. Is that who we are?
Is that what's gonna be on my tombstone?
"Here lies a guy who came up with 19,876.74 a month"?
I grew up in a Jesuit orphanage.
Is this what the brothers educated me for?
I don't even remember what I was supposed to want.
If I don't have Dahlia--
[ Dahlia ] Okay. Hold on, 'cause we are almost there.
Just in here. Hi. We're home.
She's senile.
You're not Cherien. She's mostly senile.
It's Cherien's mom. But I thought she was in a nursing home.
- Yeah. Your dad set her free. - Hey, Grandma.
Yeah. Grandma's gonna go pee-pee,
and then we're gonna go back to the nice nursing home real fast.
See, I thought both our grandmas were dead. [ Dahlia ] Okay. Here you go.
It's a miracle.
[ Cell Phone Buzzing, Chirping ]
Oh, Wayne. Wayne?
Cherien, it's Kimmie. Doug walked out of the office. I couldn't stop him.
And he was wearing his pants. Oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh, Wayne, please don't do anything stupid, honey.
Wayne? Wayne?
Wayne. Oh, shit. Dad didn't come home, did he?
I thought Dad was at work. Told you he was gonna quit.
Okay. Now you listen to me.
You do not do anything stupid, okay?
Don't get in any fights, please.
And do not drive anywhere. [ Thuds ]
[ Sam ] Mom, I think Grandma fell in the bathroom.
[ Knocks ]
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It has been...
22 years...
since my last confession, and I have done a shitload of meth.
[ Exhales ] Uh, my name is Doug.
No.
My name is Wayne.
Wayne Malloy.
Okay. Let's get you in your wheelchair.
Ooh. Careful there. Okay. Let's get you back to the nursing home, sweetheart. Okay?
You're not Cherien. No. I know, sweetheart.
I made some calls. Okay. Who'd you call?
Did you call the nursing home?
Well, they're not gonna believe you, sweetheart.
I mean, you know, you're a senile old lady.
Who'd you call?
She didn't call the cops, did she?
[ Chuckles ] You're not Cherien.
[ Woman On TV ] Now, let me tell you something, ladies.
This product really works.
Her doing meth-- it's because I failed her.
That's why I came here.
I thought if I could build her a castle,
a whole new life here in Edenfalls, then--
then I'd make it up to her.
What a crock of shit.
I wa-- I want to rip off my skin.
I want to drink so much, I can't even remember who I am.
I want to die.
I want more meth.
God, you must think I'm such an asshole.
No. Of course not.
You're in a lot of pain. It's the human condition.
We're all flawed, Wayne.
Uh, wow.
I mean, wow. Uh, thanks.
I understand how you feel.
I'm having something of an existential crisis myself.
You're an existentialist priest?
I'm quitting the priesthood. Next week is my last week.
I don't believe in God anymore.
Oh, what bad timing.
Stain's all scrubbed out now, ma'am, so I'll just be on my way.
Oh. Okay. Thank you.
Look. I'm sorry if I bit your head off earlier.
Oh, it's a sensitive topic, ma'am.
I can see that.
So, Doug Rich-- he really screwed you over on that paint job, huh?
He can suck shit in hell for all I care.
That's Everett. He's my husband.
So you must really hate him, huh? Your husband?
Doug Rich. Oh, uh, yeah.
Yeah. I-- Yeah.
Do you? He screwed you out of $10 million. You must hate his guts.
Probably want to kill him. Oh. No.
[ Chuckles ] No. No. I-- I wouldn't dream of killing him. That would be awful.
I did once think of running him over when he was mowing his lawn,
but I was very angry that day, and I would never really do that, of course.
You know, the thing about killin'... is, uh--
My daddy passed recently,
and I realized that once a person is dead,
things are always up in the air.
It's like time stands still since the day they died.
Plus they come to you when you're asleep.
My arm does that.
When I dream of it, it's still attached.
Can I touch it?
I'm sorry. Uh, I just, uh--
I'm kind of mechanical, uh, and I ain't never seen no mechanical arm before.
You wouldn't be disgusted? Oh, no.
[ Whirring ]
Wow.
That's some solid craftsmanship.
They didn't scrimp on them joints.
I hope you weren't shocked by what I said...
about, you know, killing Doug.
I didn't mean it. I just have very strong feelings. That's all I meant.
Yeah. I know how it is. I've felt like that sometimes.
Would you like to stay for supper?
** [ Speakers: Blues ]
Keep thinking about Squanto. [ Grunts ]
What an asshole.
Upwardly mobile son of a bitch. Mmm.
Spoke fluent English.
Played everybody. Mm-hmm.
[ Woman On TV ] All you're going to need is this one product, ladies.
Just one product. It has only minerals from the earth.
[ Di Di Imitating Engine Sounds ]
And this color will stay on for the next five hours, guaranteed.
You know, I kind of always wanted a grandma.
No. No. Don't do that. We're taking her back tomorrow.
I know that. I'm just saying she's just kind of easy to talk to.
She even held my hand there for a second.
So you g-- you talked to her about us? That's great. Di Di!
Calm down, Cael. She doesn't even understand anything, okay?
I'll have a grande mochaccino.
Mom, Grandma wants another mochaccino.
Mama. Geez. I just fixed you one.
[ Cell Phone Buzzing, Chirping ]
Wayne, where the hell are you?
** [ Speakers: Blues ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Man ] Oh, it breaks my heart.
I can't drive.
Father Jeff took the bus.
I want to die.
It's gonna go away after a while.
Is this how you felt?
Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
I was so ashamed, Wayne.
I couldn't tell you.
I wanted to make you this beautiful life.
[ Chuckles ]
But it's not real.
Come on. Let's go.
You don't want your shoes? No.
No? Okay. [ Mutters ]
[ Murmurs ] My buttons are falling off. What?
My buttons are falling off. Your but-- Okay. Let me see. Let me see. Let me see.
You scared the shit out of me today.
All I could picture was you lyin' dead in some hospital somewhere from an overdose.
Oh. [ Sniffles ]
Hey. Are we big enough for this life?
Are we big enough for this crazy world we found ourself in?
'Cause I don't know.
I've messed up your whole life.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah. You have.
[ Chuckles ]
Baby,
all I ever wanted was a messed-up life with you.
Without you,
I can't do my buttons.
[ Dahlia Laughs ]
Mmm. [ Chuckles ]
You're so-- I want to go home.
You're so pathetic. Come here.
** [ Continues ]
** [ Fades ]