1 00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:03,304 (Liz) Look, Jack, I'm not blaming you, 2 00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:05,439 but everybody got food poisoning. 3 00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:08,142 Food poisoning? That isn't possible. 4 00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:09,677 That seafood was a gift from my friend, 5 00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:12,446 the owner of the Cleveland Browns. 6 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:15,049 They're very expensive freshwater clams 7 00:00:15,083 --> 00:00:16,317 from the Cuyahoga River. 8 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,386 My whole staff has been blorching 9 00:00:18,419 --> 00:00:20,321 for three days, so if there's any way 10 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,822 that we could show a rerun-- 11 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,257 I wish I could help you, Lemon, 12 00:00:23,291 --> 00:00:24,692 but I've already sold the ad time to the army. 13 00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:26,760 Now, do the best you can, I need a live show 14 00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:28,462 from you in two days. 15 00:00:28,496 --> 00:00:29,697 Ugh. Uh, no, no, no, no. 16 00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,599 That's not for you. Bianca's coming. 17 00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:34,302 Crazy Bianca is coming here? 18 00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:37,771 You make me wanna vomit. 19 00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,073 Why? 20 00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:40,374 Because she wants something. 21 00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:42,443 She only contacts me when she wants something, 22 00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:44,078 and she's bringing her lawyer. 23 00:00:44,112 --> 00:00:46,080 Which means she's gonna try to bleed something else 24 00:00:46,114 --> 00:00:47,415 out of me in our divorce proceedings. 25 00:00:47,448 --> 00:00:50,084 You're not all the way divorced? 26 00:00:50,118 --> 00:00:52,153 Well, we've been legally separated since 1989. 27 00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:53,187 It's been a nightmare, Lemon. 28 00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:54,322 I mean, one minute you're newlyweds 29 00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:56,457 making love on the floor of the Concorde, 30 00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,392 and the next your lawyers are fighting 31 00:00:58,426 --> 00:01:00,794 over who gets to keep the box your dog defecates in. 32 00:01:00,828 --> 00:01:02,563 You taught your dog to poop in a box? 33 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:04,332 Bianca did, but I want that box. 34 00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:05,299 Ugh. 35 00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:07,501 It's gonna take all day and into the night 36 00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:08,736 to deal with that crazy woman. 37 00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:11,672 Fighting, conniving, clawing at each other. 38 00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:13,674 Are you angry or excited right now? 39 00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:14,575 I can't tell. 40 00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:19,447 Mrs. Donaghy and her lawyer are here. 41 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:23,417 I'm sorry, Johnny. I'm a little early. 42 00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:32,760 This would work on Ugly Betty. 43 00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:35,696 [exciting jazz music] 44 00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:45,739 * 45 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:53,381 * 46 00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:54,582 Hey, guys. 47 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,584 I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to work 48 00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:57,585 all night tonight 49 00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,287 till we get caught up. 50 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,389 What? Liz... 51 00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:02,523 I can't believe you're gonna make us work 52 00:02:02,556 --> 00:02:04,558 all night on Valentine's Day. 53 00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:06,194 Is it Valentine's Day? 54 00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:07,428 Oh, I totally forgot. 55 00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:08,596 Hells, yes, Liz Lemon. 56 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:09,630 And I had plans. 57 00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:11,432 Me and Angie rented the penthouse 58 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,734 at the SoHo Grand where we will drink wine 59 00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:14,802 and pleasure each other. 60 00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:15,603 Gross. 61 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,205 When you been married 17 years, 62 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,572 you have to keep it spicy. 63 00:02:18,606 --> 00:02:20,774 That's why me and my wife role-play. 64 00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:23,611 She put on a Girl Scout outfit with a box of cookies, 65 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,279 and I answer the door in my boxers. 66 00:02:25,313 --> 00:02:27,881 Or I rent out a wheelchair, and she pretends 67 00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:29,483 to be my caseworker. 68 00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,219 And in a way, she is. 69 00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:32,085 Well, what about me? 70 00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:33,821 I just took a whole bunch of Cialis 71 00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:35,789 'cause I have big Valentine's plans tonight. 72 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:36,890 With who? 73 00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,259 Uh, nobody. 74 00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:40,328 Okay, you know, I'm sorry, you guys, 75 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,363 but we have to get this done. 76 00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,265 Let's order some dinner. 77 00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:46,734 Cerie, do you mind working late on Valentine's Day? 78 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,336 No, I don't care. 79 00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,338 Aris and I are in a huge fight anyway. 80 00:02:50,371 --> 00:02:53,207 Well--Aris? Is that your fiancé, Aris? 81 00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:56,410 Yeah, he keeps sending me all these flowers to apologize, 82 00:02:56,444 --> 00:02:58,212 but he's still insisting on having 83 00:02:58,246 --> 00:03:00,681 a Greek Orthodox wedding, but I really disagree 84 00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,450 with the church's stance on Cyprus. 85 00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:05,586 Mm, so, um, Chinese? Or not? 86 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,721 Liz, these are actually for you. 87 00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:08,822 Who are they from? 88 00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,358 I don't know, it doesn't say. 89 00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:12,826 Secret admirer! 90 00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:15,863 [cheering] 91 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,270 Too bad you gotta work all night! 92 00:03:22,303 --> 00:03:24,905 Johnny, thank you for speaking to me in person. 93 00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:27,375 If this is about the dog box, I'm not giving in. 94 00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:29,009 Oh, no, Johnny. 95 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,279 I feel so terrible for what happened 96 00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:32,813 at Gerhardt's party. 97 00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:36,016 [grunting and shrieking] 98 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:38,519 Really? I had a fabulous time at that party. 99 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,388 I want our divorce to be final. 100 00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:43,291 All right. 101 00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:45,859 I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you. 102 00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:47,060 Fine. 103 00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:50,398 I want the art supplies that I gave you on your 40th birthday 104 00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,333 and any subsequent art projects you made with them. 105 00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:53,367 Fine. 106 00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:54,568 I want all of our love letters. 107 00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:55,769 Fine. 108 00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:57,505 I want all of your parents' love letters. 109 00:03:57,538 --> 00:03:58,472 Fine. 110 00:03:58,506 --> 00:04:00,441 I want full stake in the Arby's franchise 111 00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:01,575 we bought outside of Telluride. 112 00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:03,277 Oh, damn it, Johnny, you know I love 113 00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:06,280 my big beef and cheddar. 114 00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:07,915 Take it all. 115 00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:10,518 Take the Arby's, take the house in Amagansett, 116 00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:12,286 take the Otto Dix paintings. 117 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,354 I don't care anymore. 118 00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:14,422 I wanna move on. 119 00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:16,457 Mrs. Donaghy intends to relinquish 120 00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:17,525 all communal property. 121 00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:20,994 We should have the papers for you to sign tomorrow. 122 00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:22,830 Then I suppose we're done. 123 00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:25,533 We're done. 124 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,508 [laughter] 125 00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:36,043 Break out a bottle of champagne, 126 00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:38,512 but not the one that came with the shellfish. 127 00:04:38,546 --> 00:04:40,748 Get some other bottle of champagne. 128 00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:41,982 [knocking on door] 129 00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:42,983 Hey. 130 00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:44,051 Hey. 131 00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:45,819 Did you send me these to be nice? 132 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:47,455 Why would I send you flowers? 133 00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,590 Because it's Valentine's Day-- 134 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:50,658 Oh, no! It's what? 135 00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:52,326 It's Valentine's Day? 136 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:53,427 Again? 137 00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:55,396 Oh, did you blow it with your wife? 138 00:04:55,429 --> 00:04:57,531 It's too late, it's too late, I blew it. 139 00:04:57,565 --> 00:04:59,367 Well, who cares, you know, it's just Valentine's Day. 140 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:00,668 It's also her birthday. 141 00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:01,669 Ah. 142 00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:03,404 [phone ringing] 143 00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:05,806 Oh, I got the turkey club. 144 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:06,807 Hey. 145 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:07,808 Hey, what's up? 146 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:08,776 Did you just come 147 00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,944 from a Suzanne Somers look-alike contest? 148 00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:12,079 Hilarious, Frank. 149 00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:15,516 Actually, I just came from performing at Vagina Day. 150 00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:17,551 Is that an off-shoot of The Vagina Monologues? 151 00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:19,520 No, we are in no way affiliated 152 00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:20,454 with The Vagina Monologues. 153 00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:22,423 Vagina Day is a charity event 154 00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:23,424 founded by a group of celebrities 155 00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:25,926 who have, for whatever reason, never been asked 156 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,595 to participate in The Vagina Monologues. 157 00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:29,663 Every February 14, we improvise monologues 158 00:05:29,697 --> 00:05:31,865 about our lady parts for the homeless. 159 00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:33,567 Oh, to benefit the homeless? 160 00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:35,903 No, just for them. 161 00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:39,373 My vagina is a flower. 162 00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:41,375 A weird ugly flower. 163 00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:43,644 I remember the night I lost my virginity. 164 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:47,047 It was 1968, during the Democratic Convention. 165 00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:49,750 Lemon, it's done. 166 00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:50,818 What's done? 167 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:53,554 My divorce, it's final. 168 00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:55,155 [laughter] Mwah! 169 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:56,724 I'm divorced, everyone! 170 00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:57,925 Who wants to grab a drink? 171 00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,660 Yeah, I really can't, Jack. 172 00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,161 You're making us work all night, remember? 173 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:02,229 Oh. 174 00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:05,533 Hey, did you send me these because you feel bad? 175 00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:09,670 I did not and I do not. 176 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,805 Hey, Pete, you up for a quick cocktail? 177 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:13,574 Sorry, I gotta duck out, I just found a Hallmark store 178 00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:15,443 open 70 blocks from here! 179 00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:17,778 Oh, Tracy, what do you say? 180 00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,447 A quick drink to celebrate my freedom? 181 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,715 Aw, Jackie D., any other time, but I made plans 182 00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:22,850 with my wife tonight. 183 00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:23,684 Just one quick one. 184 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,185 This is the best night of my life! 185 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,755 All right-- just one! 186 00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:30,023 I gotta be downtown dressed as a ninja by 10:00. 187 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:33,193 Let's go. 188 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,796 Hey, Frank, marry, boff, kill. 189 00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:38,632 Beyoncé, Paula Abdul, and Oprah. 190 00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:40,501 Dude, that's beyond easy. 191 00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:43,637 Boff Beyoncé, kill Paula, marry Oprah. 192 00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:46,139 Okay, marry, boff, kill. 193 00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:48,175 Cerie, Liz, and Jenna. 194 00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:49,543 Once again, no-brainer. 195 00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:52,179 Marry Liz, get with Cerie, kill Jenna. 196 00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:53,847 I can hear you! 197 00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:55,182 (Liz) Frank, knock it off. 198 00:06:55,215 --> 00:06:56,550 Don't play that game about people 199 00:06:56,584 --> 00:06:57,585 who are in the room. 200 00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:58,719 Why not? 201 00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,221 Because it always starts out fun and then it gets weird. 202 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:05,158 But thank you for saying that you would marry me. 203 00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:06,627 You didn't send me these, right? 204 00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:08,996 No. Are you kidding me? 205 00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:12,199 Hi, um, my name is Liz Lemon, 206 00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:14,535 and I received flowers from your shop tonight. 207 00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:17,838 And I can't tell who they're from. 208 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:21,241 No, no, I did read the card, but it's not signed. 209 00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:25,078 No, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible 210 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,580 for me to guess. 211 00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:29,883 Well, that is just-- oh, oh, well, you know what? 212 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:32,019 I found the card, actually, they're from your mom. 213 00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:34,822 Yeah, so tell your gay mom I said thanks. 214 00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:38,559 [sighs] 215 00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:41,094 We gotta order some more champagne, 216 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,731 go and jump on my helicopter, and buzz Trump Tower 217 00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:46,166 until Don comes out on the roof and begs us to stop. 218 00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:48,602 Yeah, sounds good! 219 00:07:48,636 --> 00:07:50,270 I just gotta call my wife, let her know 220 00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,905 I'm gonna be late. 221 00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:54,875 Hey, Angie, listen, I'm gonna be-- 222 00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,243 Right. 223 00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:57,845 I have to go. 224 00:07:57,878 --> 00:07:59,112 No, no, no, no, no, no. 225 00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:02,249 That is the weak married man inside you talking. 226 00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:03,617 I used to be like you. 227 00:08:03,651 --> 00:08:06,253 Always remember, marriage is a competition, 228 00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:08,689 and after 18 years of overtime, 229 00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:11,191 I am finally going to claim victory! 230 00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:13,093 You live it up, J.D. 231 00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:17,197 You know where to find me if you need me. 232 00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:18,966 (Toofer) Okay, I got a hard one. 233 00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:22,703 Osama bin Laden, Martha Stewart, Jenna. 234 00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:24,204 Bone Osama bin Laden, it'd shame him, 235 00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:26,540 and then his own people would murder him. 236 00:08:26,574 --> 00:08:28,842 Marry Martha Stewart 'cause, you know, 237 00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,143 she seems like a dirty bird. 238 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:31,278 And kill Jenna. 239 00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:33,046 [phone ringing] 240 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,182 Cerie, marry, boff, kill. 241 00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:38,251 Lutz, Toofer, or Kenneth. 242 00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:43,924 I'd marry Toofer 'cause he's classy. 243 00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:46,259 I'd kill Lutz. Sorry, Lutz. 244 00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:49,296 The thought that you would do anything to me is awesome. 245 00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:50,297 And I'd boff Kenneth. 246 00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:51,298 What? 247 00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:53,100 Really? 248 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:54,668 Okay, what's your problem with me? 249 00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:55,669 What? 250 00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:56,670 You're always making rude comments. 251 00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:57,838 You never wanna work with me. 252 00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:58,972 Why don't you like me? 253 00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,340 'Cause you're a big phony. 254 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,241 What? 255 00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:02,610 Everything about you is fake. 256 00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:04,277 Your tan's fake, your hair's fake. 257 00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:05,979 Not the front! 258 00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:08,215 You've never done or said anything real or genuine 259 00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:09,683 the whole time I've known you. 260 00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:10,684 Oh, really? 261 00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:13,186 And does a phony bare her soul for the homeless? 262 00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,955 Because that comes from in here. 263 00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:17,190 My vagina is a convenience store. 264 00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,092 Clean and reliable. 265 00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:21,028 And closed on Christmas. 266 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,631 Fake...and weird. 267 00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:26,867 Now I would like to propose a toast to my ex-wife 268 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,236 who tomorrow I'm going to be saying good-bye to 269 00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:30,638 for the very last time. 270 00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:31,905 (women) Aww. 271 00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:33,006 No, no. No, no, no. 272 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:36,076 She is very, very mentally sick. 273 00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:37,945 I mean, if you met her, you might think 274 00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:39,780 she's wonderful, but believe me, 275 00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:43,784 she is the succubus from the bowels of hell. 276 00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:46,053 I mean, if I were forced to remember her 277 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,221 as I first met her, when I first fell in love with her, 278 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,891 then, yes, I-I, you know, suppose empirically 279 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:53,326 she is very, very beautiful, but, uh... 280 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:57,364 But it's what's inside her that really makes her disgusting. 281 00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:00,367 [sighs] 282 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,403 I wish I could touch her boobs again. 283 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:06,139 She really had a fabulous pair of boobs. 284 00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:08,341 Ah. 285 00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,043 I admit... 286 00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:11,311 [sniffles] 287 00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:13,647 Sometimes I would fantasize about her getting 288 00:10:13,681 --> 00:10:17,350 various terminal illnesses, and...I would nurse her. 289 00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:19,252 [horn honking] 290 00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:21,188 To her death. 291 00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:25,225 And she would say, "Johnny, I'm in so much pain!" 292 00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:28,261 And I would say, "Just hang in there 293 00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:29,963 a little longer, Bianca." 294 00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,331 [laughs] 295 00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:34,201 Love. 296 00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:37,070 They say that lightning never strikes twice. 297 00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:40,273 But I know that I will love again. 298 00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:43,877 And I'm never gonna be happy until I find that woman. 299 00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:51,218 I think what I'm saying to you is... 300 00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,086 what are you doing tonight? 301 00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:58,291 Shh. 302 00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:00,327 [laughs] 303 00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,030 [whispering] Kenneth. 304 00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:04,264 This is your chance. 305 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:05,465 Cerie digs you. 306 00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:09,169 [phone ringing] 307 00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:10,170 Excuse me? 308 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,039 And she's upset with her fiancé. 309 00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:13,741 Cerie said she would do it with you. 310 00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:17,210 Well, that just makes me perspire. 311 00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:20,714 In fact, I think we need you and Cerie 312 00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:22,282 to go on a candy run. 313 00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:24,117 Okay. 314 00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:25,152 [quietly] But I need to-- 315 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,253 (Lutz) She can't go by herself. 316 00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:27,921 It's 1:00 in the morning. 317 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,365 [horns honking] [knocking on door] 318 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,069 Can I help you? 319 00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:43,203 Yes, sir. 320 00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:44,972 We have reports of a nitrogen leak 321 00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:46,206 on this floor. 322 00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:47,340 Oh, no, our room is fine. 323 00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:48,441 I mean, we don't smell it. 324 00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:50,343 Oh, it's odorless, sir. 325 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,746 I really need to check this room. 326 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:53,981 Well, could you hurry up? 327 00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:55,248 Because my wife and I are planning 328 00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:56,383 a really special night tonight. 329 00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:58,351 Oh, it's for your own safety, sir. 330 00:11:58,385 --> 00:11:59,753 [gasps] 331 00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:00,888 Mm. 332 00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:02,923 I'm detecting a lot of heat over here. 333 00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:04,257 Is it dangerous? 334 00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:06,059 I don't know. 335 00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:08,328 I think it's coming... 336 00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:09,329 from my butt. 337 00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:10,530 [laughs softly] 338 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,399 Oh, no, I'm married! 339 00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:13,533 That's how I like 'em. 340 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:14,534 Ah! 341 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:18,238 What? Oh! Role-play, baby! 342 00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:19,973 Give it to me, baby! Whoo! 343 00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:21,909 Oh, oh, yeah. 344 00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:24,311 [knocking on door] 345 00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:26,246 Okay. 346 00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:28,148 I don't know who that is, but we done 347 00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:29,950 'cause I'm not velcro-ing up again. 348 00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:32,252 Just be cool. Just be...be cool. 349 00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:33,386 Hold on tight. 350 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:34,387 Who is it? 351 00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,857 Oh, Tracy. 352 00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:38,926 We couldn't find a hotel room anywhere. 353 00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:40,327 The whole city is booked. 354 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,797 We were hoping we could come here and party with you. 355 00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:45,398 [heavily accented] Happy Valentimes! 356 00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:47,434 [laughter] 357 00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,208 Baby, I'm sorry. 358 00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:57,277 But he's going through some stuff. 359 00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:58,545 Angie, do you like champagne? 360 00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:00,513 No, it gives me a headache. 361 00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:02,215 This is a Krug Clos de Mesnil. 362 00:13:02,249 --> 00:13:04,251 I was saving it for a special occasion. 363 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:07,287 And I thought to myself, my God, this is it, am I right? 364 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:08,588 Good news, good friends. 365 00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:11,959 I clean this too, or, uh, just the sex? 366 00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:12,960 Isn't she precious? 367 00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:13,961 Hey, fun fact about Vlem, 368 00:13:13,994 --> 00:13:16,029 she originally came here to study engineering. 369 00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:19,232 Come on, doll. 370 00:13:19,266 --> 00:13:23,070 You tell GE light bulb man I want Sophie's Choice 371 00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:24,571 out of my suite! 372 00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:26,106 Babe! 373 00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:29,009 [Jack laughing] 374 00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,283 Lemon! 375 00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:45,258 Are you coming? 376 00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:47,127 Let's stall for a minute. 377 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,629 It's so boring up there anyway. 378 00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:52,499 You know, Aris is just so immature sometimes. 379 00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:54,567 That's why I like you, Kenneth. 380 00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,136 You're an old soul. 381 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,070 Thank you. 382 00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:59,172 My momma thinks so too. 383 00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:01,141 In fact, she's pretty sure I'm the reincarnated soul 384 00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:03,110 of Adren Twyford. 385 00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:05,445 He was our town minister who died in an organ fire. 386 00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:06,346 [beeping] Ugh. 387 00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:08,581 He keeps texting me to meet him downtown 388 00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:11,218 at his club, even though he knows I'm working. 389 00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:14,087 Well, it's like Dr. Laura Schlessinger says, 390 00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:16,556 "Women should be more accommodating to their men 391 00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:18,258 for the health of the marriage." 392 00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:20,293 She sounds smart. 393 00:14:20,327 --> 00:14:21,161 Is she really a doctor? 394 00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:24,064 No, I think she's kinda like Dr. Pepper. 395 00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:25,198 Well. 396 00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:27,567 I'm gonna go meet him downtown then. 397 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:28,936 Thanks, Kenneth. 398 00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:30,971 You give really good advice. 399 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:36,143 Kenneth. 400 00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:37,945 What? How dare you? 401 00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:39,212 [laughs] 402 00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:41,148 You're so weird. 403 00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:42,382 Tell Liz I left, okay? 404 00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:43,650 All right. 405 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,685 Oh, and if you wanna tell those guys upstairs 406 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:48,355 that we made out, it's all right with me. 407 00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:54,261 [fast-paced drum beat] 408 00:14:54,294 --> 00:15:02,169 * 409 00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,440 Ooh, video games. 410 00:15:07,474 --> 00:15:08,575 We could play video games. 411 00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:11,211 [knocking on door] 412 00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:15,248 This is the second-worst Valentine's Day we ever had. 413 00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:20,253 Hi, is Mr. Donaghy here? 414 00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:23,390 Another prostitute? 415 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:25,959 Lemon, what do you say? 416 00:15:25,993 --> 00:15:27,427 You and me, Atlantic City. 417 00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:30,430 We can be in the crepe line at The Borgata by dawn. 418 00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:32,032 No, Jack. 419 00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:33,200 What are you doing? 420 00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:35,668 [speaking in native language] 421 00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:38,238 I'm celebrating. 422 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,140 I want Bianca to see that I'm moving on. 423 00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:42,675 Well then maybe you should call Bianca to help you carry 424 00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,344 your prostitute out of the hotel 425 00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:45,979 you were just ejected from. 426 00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:47,080 You think I should? 427 00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,315 She'd probably come right down here. 428 00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:50,150 You two are sick! 429 00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:51,451 This relationship is sick! 430 00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:54,221 You just don't understand, it's complicated! 431 00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:55,522 No, I don't understand! 432 00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:56,756 Let me ask you a question. 433 00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:59,092 Marry, boff, kill. Bianca. 434 00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:00,527 Which do you wanna do? 435 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,663 All of them. 436 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,198 All of them. 437 00:16:05,232 --> 00:16:08,135 You've gotta get out of each other's lives, Jack, 438 00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:10,037 or you will never be happy. 439 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:12,539 Between the two of you, you are 100 years old, 440 00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:14,641 and this is not a dignified way 441 00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:16,243 for a 100-year-old couple to behave. 442 00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:18,245 I know. 443 00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:19,246 I know. 444 00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:20,313 [sniffles] 445 00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:22,715 Uh, oh, leave her there. 446 00:16:22,749 --> 00:16:25,418 It's nicer than where I found her. 447 00:16:25,452 --> 00:16:28,188 Come on. 448 00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:30,690 Happy Valentimes! 449 00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:32,592 You know what, friend? 450 00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:34,561 You got a lot of nerve, calling me a fake. 451 00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:36,196 You wear your thrift store T-shirts 452 00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:37,697 and your big weird glasses, 453 00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:40,067 and everybody says, "Oh, look at Frank, he's so cool. 454 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:43,170 He has a hat that says Extra Cheese." 455 00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:44,737 What does that even mean? 456 00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,607 It's pretty self-explanatory. 457 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,343 Admit it, you spend just as much time and energy 458 00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:52,679 trying to look weird as I do trying to look beautiful. 459 00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,147 And you can act like you hate me, 460 00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:55,815 but if I tried to kiss you right now, 461 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,117 you would totally do it. 462 00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:59,152 'Cause you're a big phony jerk! 463 00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:01,288 [farts] 464 00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:03,056 [laughs] 465 00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:06,626 And I just wanted to tell you that. 466 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,296 Okay, fine! 467 00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:10,430 I pooted. 468 00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:11,664 It's 3:00 in the morning. 469 00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,166 Are you happy? 470 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,601 Yeah, I'm happy, because that's the first time 471 00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:16,703 you've ever done something like a real person. 472 00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:18,205 It's pretty cool. 473 00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:22,275 I-I could do it again, but I wouldn't wanna show off. 474 00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:23,343 [laughs] 475 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,145 Jenna. 476 00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:27,180 I'm sorry I said I would kill you. 477 00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:28,315 Thank you. 478 00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:31,118 Snacks! 479 00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:33,253 What happened? 480 00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:34,154 So? Tell us? 481 00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:36,156 None of your beeswax. 482 00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:37,157 He blew it. 483 00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,591 Way to go, loser. 484 00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:39,592 Oh, yeah? 485 00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:43,396 If I blew it, then how did I get her underpants? 486 00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:54,107 Just this last one, and then your marriage 487 00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:56,176 is officially dissolved. 488 00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:58,245 It's almost like it never happened. 489 00:17:58,278 --> 00:18:00,113 I wouldn't be surprised if that five-inch scar 490 00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:02,249 across my abdomen was suddenly gone. 491 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,484 Johnny. 492 00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:07,554 Promise me you won't sell the Arby's. 493 00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,622 No, I won't. 494 00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:10,723 I'm gonna shut it down. 495 00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,359 Leave it vacant. 496 00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:14,861 Open the windows and let nature have at it. 497 00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:17,364 This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. 498 00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:20,267 That's prime property on Highway 145. 499 00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,269 Yes, there's not a thing you can do about it. 500 00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:24,804 But it is irresponsible to the community. 501 00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,173 They should sue you. 502 00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:27,174 I hope they do. 503 00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,208 Oh, I'll see to it. 504 00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:31,811 I'll go right to the Telluride Chamber of Commerce. 505 00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:33,213 Do it. 506 00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:34,747 The case could be in court for months. 507 00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,916 Maybe years. 508 00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,618 Damn it, Johnny! 509 00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:45,892 [sighs] 510 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:02,542 Whoops. Hello. 511 00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:04,677 I'm sorry. Can I help you? 512 00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:06,346 Hey, that's cool? 513 00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:08,348 Is that a French Planet of the Apes poster? 514 00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:10,350 Yeah. Wow. 515 00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:11,618 You know, I've heard that in Greece 516 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:12,952 they have to change Charlton Heston's name 517 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,455 on movie posters to Charlton Easton. 518 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:16,956 Because in Greek the word "Heston" means 519 00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:17,957 to poop yourself. 520 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,692 I'm sorry, do I know you? 521 00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:21,261 No, I don't think so. 522 00:19:21,294 --> 00:19:22,362 Uh, you're Liz Lemon, right? 523 00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:23,930 Yeah. Okay. 524 00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:25,932 Uh, this is super awkward, but did you get 525 00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:28,801 two dozen pink roses last night? 526 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,637 Yep, there they are. 527 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:31,871 Those are from you? 528 00:19:31,904 --> 00:19:33,340 Yes. 529 00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,341 Uh, I work up in legal, and-- 530 00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:35,542 You're a lawyer? 531 00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:37,810 I prefer law stylist. 532 00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,479 [laughs] 533 00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:41,814 Uh, anyway, I meant to send these to my girlfriend, 534 00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:43,816 Liz Lemler, who works in accounting. 535 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:44,851 [softly] Oh. 536 00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:46,219 Yeah. 537 00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:47,287 There's actually supposed to be a box 538 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:48,655 of chocolate-covered cherries with this, did you-- 539 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,457 I don't know anything about that. 540 00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:52,292 Fair enough. 541 00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:53,460 She pouted all night because she thought I forgot 542 00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:54,727 to send her something. 543 00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:56,629 I told her I did, but she didn't believe me. 544 00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:58,498 She sounds great. 545 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,733 [laughter] 546 00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:03,303 Yeah, she is. 547 00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:05,938 Well...good for you. 548 00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:07,240 Here you go. 549 00:20:07,274 --> 00:20:08,508 Sorry about the mix up. 550 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:09,842 N-no, no! 551 00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:12,279 They were delivered to you, they're yours now. 552 00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:13,646 Thank you. 553 00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,348 You're welcome. 554 00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:17,684 But could I possibly get a photo? 555 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:18,951 Of you with the flowers? 556 00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:20,320 Like with your ID? 557 00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:21,621 Oh, okay. 558 00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:22,622 Is that all right? 559 00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:26,959 You know, just as proof. 560 00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:28,328 All right. 561 00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:31,631 There we go. 562 00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:33,633 Aw, that's a cute one. 563 00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:36,235 Thanks. 564 00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:39,739 Sorry to bother you. 565 00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:41,741 [laughs] 566 00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:43,676 Happy Valentine's Day. 567 00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:50,683 Captioning by Elizabeth at CaptionMax www.captionmax.com 568 00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,423 [sighs] 569 00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:58,458 (Vlem) Happy Valentimes!