1
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:06,048
- Come on, put it... excuse me.
2
00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:09,718
Out of the way, please.
3
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,010
Hey!
4
00:00:11,053 --> 00:00:12,221
- Chill out, mamacita.
5
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,932
What's with the,
uh, weekday vibe.
6
00:00:15,224 --> 00:00:17,142
- It is a Tuesday, sir.
- Hey, hey.
7
00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:18,519
You work on that show?
8
00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:20,312
- Yeah, I work on that show.
9
00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:22,606
Just like your mom
works that street corner.
10
00:00:22,898 --> 00:00:23,978
I'm sorry, that's too much.
11
00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:26,735
- No sweat. My
mom is a prostitute.
12
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,404
- Hey! This chick
knows Jenna Maroney!
13
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:33,659
- Hey! New drinking game!
14
00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:35,536
Drink when someone
says something!
15
00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:37,538
Whoo!
16
00:00:37,829 --> 00:00:39,748
- Who are you people?
17
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,667
- We're "crabcatchers."
18
00:00:41,959 --> 00:00:44,294
You know, from Jenna's
song catchin' crabs in paradise?
19
00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:47,631
♪ I caught crabs in paradise ♪
20
00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:50,175
♪ and, yes, I mean
both kinds of crabs ♪
21
00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:52,970
- Oh, I thought that was
at least gonna be innuendo.
22
00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:54,489
- Jenna is playing
the today show,
23
00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:55,722
in a couple of days,
24
00:00:56,014 --> 00:00:59,017
so we're just camping
out and "unwindulaxing."
25
00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:01,603
- Wait, so Jenna's
Jimmy buffett rip-off
26
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:02,938
is actually a thing?
27
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,457
- See, you people from New York,
28
00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:06,608
you don't know all
the stuff that's going on
29
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:07,980
in the rest of the country.
30
00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:09,861
Truck races, swamp parties,
31
00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:11,738
mall fires.
32
00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,032
- I can't believe
she's pulling this off.
33
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:16,785
- And I can't believe
I'm pulling this off!
34
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:19,580
Whoo!
35
00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:21,707
- Why do you have
a tattoo of a seatbelt?
36
00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:25,252
- So I don't get pulled over
when I'm driving shirtless!
37
00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:31,383
Whoo!
38
00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:32,843
- You wanted to see me?
39
00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:34,195
- Have I mentioned Marisol,
40
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:36,555
the Mexican sideline
reporter I've been seeing?
41
00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:38,116
Well, since our
weekend in Aspen,
42
00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:39,474
she's been put on pelvic rest.
43
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:41,566
Fast-forward noise.
44
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,413
- Marisol was supposed to
attend a fundraiser luncheon
45
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:44,437
with me today.
46
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:45,731
It's $10,000 a plate.
47
00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,623
And I'll have to eat
the ticket unless...
48
00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:48,876
- unless I eat the ticket.
49
00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,110
Fancy luncheon, seafood bar.
50
00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:52,154
I'm thinking 75 cents a shrimp,
51
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:53,446
over three hours,
52
00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:54,823
and split... Carry 3.75...
53
00:01:56,491 --> 00:01:58,331
- By the time I'm done,
you'll be making money.
54
00:01:58,368 --> 00:01:58,952
- Good. I should
warn you, though,
55
00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,579
that it's a republican
fundraiser.
56
00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:02,289
So if you're coming, it won't be
57
00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:05,417
as Liz Lemon, HuffPo
superuser and gun-control lunatic.
58
00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,586
You'll come as Liz
Lemon, my chum.
59
00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:09,463
- Chum. Okay, I like that.
60
00:02:09,755 --> 00:02:13,967
- And you'll be able to keep
your opinions to yourself?
61
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:15,344
Oh, good lord, Lemon.
62
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:18,096
You just locked your mouth
and then swallowed the key.
63
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:19,428
It makes no earthly sense.
64
00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:21,183
- Shrimp.
65
00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:34,071
♪ ♪
66
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:46,500
- ♪ Sunburn's starting to scab ♪
67
00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:48,752
- Jenna's crab
idiots won't shut up.
68
00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:51,546
Why couldn't she have died
when that rabid dog bit her?
69
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:52,838
- Oh, it wasn't rabid.
70
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,763
I just said that so they'd
have to put it down,
71
00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:57,469
and then I'd be the star of
that dog-food commercial.
72
00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:58,178
- I had to walk an extra block
73
00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:00,138
to get around your
stupid crabcatchers.
74
00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:02,516
My doctor's have been
very clear about this, Jenna.
75
00:03:02,808 --> 00:03:05,268
If I get moderate
exercise, I'm gonna die!
76
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:06,760
- And I'm mad at your success,
77
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,189
but pretending
it's something else!
78
00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:10,524
- Okay, speaking of me,
79
00:03:10,816 --> 00:03:13,985
how many crabcatchers
fiesta crab hats
80
00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:15,421
would each of you like to buy,
81
00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:19,032
at the unbelievable
price of 49.95?
82
00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:22,994
- Please. I've had a
crab on my head for free!
83
00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:24,286
I'm lying.
84
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:27,624
- The claws hold your cigarette
while you uncork a "brew-Skye."
85
00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:29,292
- "Uncork a 'brew-Skye'"?
86
00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:30,584
- Yeah, you know.
87
00:03:30,669 --> 00:03:32,838
Ka-zap. Blinky,
blinky, blinky, blinky.
88
00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:34,570
- Those aren't even
the right noises.
89
00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:36,191
Everyone knows
you hate stuff like this.
90
00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:37,568
You're maybe the most
high-maintenance bitch
91
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:38,592
in Hollywood.
92
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:40,178
- Maybe? Who's more? Who is she?
93
00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:41,847
- Okay, cut this crap out,
94
00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:44,641
and get those sunburned
"d" -bags out of the Plaza.
95
00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:47,102
- Hey, no can will, Pete.
96
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:50,480
But have an unwindulaxing day...
97
00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:53,734
You medical office
before-pictures.
98
00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:56,027
- I've never even seen a crab.
99
00:03:56,319 --> 00:03:58,113
I'm sorry.
100
00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:00,907
- I don't need some
Kenyan-born college professor
101
00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:02,639
telling me I didn't
build my company.
102
00:04:02,826 --> 00:04:04,077
Because I earned my trust fund
103
00:04:04,369 --> 00:04:06,246
by always being
polite to grandfather.
104
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:08,790
Now, Donaghy, still over at NBC,
105
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,643
with all those communists
and homosexuals?
106
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,854
- Reginald, I believe you're
thinking of the white house.
107
00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:14,296
But not for long.
108
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,148
In two weeks, we
take this country back.
109
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:17,581
And no bureaucrat can force me
110
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:20,844
to subsidize female promiscuity
in the name of health care.
111
00:04:22,721 --> 00:04:26,308
- Are you okay, chum?
112
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,227
Michelle Obama's on steroids.
113
00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:34,149
- And this is studio 6-h,
114
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,902
home to TGS,
starring Tracy Jordan.
115
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:39,154
- Oh, my god, it's Jenna.
116
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:41,114
Visor lady, get a picture of me.
117
00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:43,450
- What do I... press a button?
118
00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:46,244
- No, it's different from every
other camera in the world.
119
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,121
God, I can't escape you people.
120
00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:49,790
- Whoa, chill out, brother.
121
00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:53,335
It's beer o'clock somewhere.
122
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:54,252
You're a fraud!
123
00:04:54,544 --> 00:04:55,664
- And you look like a condom
124
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,273
that's been dropped on
the floor of a barbershop.
125
00:04:57,297 --> 00:05:00,425
Are you all unwindulaxing?
126
00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:03,887
This guy looks like he could
use a little "latitude" adjustment.
127
00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:06,765
- Will you sign
my cesarean scar?
128
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:07,724
Oh, ahh!
129
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:10,018
- You moron!
130
00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,777
- Hey, just a party foul.
131
00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:20,779
- Exactly.
132
00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:23,657
That's why I said,
"you more on."
133
00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:26,952
Like, "pour more on me!"
134
00:05:27,244 --> 00:05:30,705
- Whoo!
- Oh, yeah.
135
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:31,706
Both: Whoo!
136
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,124
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, yeah!
137
00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:35,296
- She can't be herself
in front of these losers.
138
00:05:35,544 --> 00:05:36,837
She has to be "island Jenna,"
139
00:05:37,128 --> 00:05:38,296
which means...
140
00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:39,798
- We can mess with her.
141
00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:41,150
- We should go to
a pumpkin patch?
142
00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:44,469
- Pranksmen, activate.
143
00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:46,888
- Obama's bailout
would never have worked
144
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,099
if big business hadn't
heroically taken it.
145
00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:51,101
But where's our parade?
146
00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:52,602
- That's idiotic.
147
00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:53,955
- Lemon!
- No, sir.
148
00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:55,819
You don't have enough
shrimp to buy my silence.
149
00:05:55,981 --> 00:05:57,190
Also, you are out of shrimp.
150
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,567
You know better, Jack.
151
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,443
You all know better.
152
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:03,113
Except for maybe the
really inbred wasps.
153
00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:06,491
You thank for mention Gordeau!
154
00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:07,325
- You're hypocrites.
155
00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:08,910
You believe in
the death penalty,
156
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,580
but it's okay to kill
animals for food?
157
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,140
I don't know where
I'm going with this yet.
158
00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:14,708
Hang on. Hang on!
159
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,626
My boyfriend and
I aren't married.
160
00:06:16,918 --> 00:06:19,045
But we might have a
baby together anyway.
161
00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:21,089
And I hope it's gay... male gay.
162
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,181
Because with the ladies,
it's too much hiking.
163
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:25,927
But homosexuality
is unnatural, right?
164
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:29,097
Then why are there
gay dolphins, people?
165
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,432
You heard me.
166
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:34,519
They make love to their
husband's blowholes.
167
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:37,522
Let's see that in some
science textbooks.
168
00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:38,899
Oh, that's right.
169
00:06:39,190 --> 00:06:41,234
The whole Texas
board of education thing
170
00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:42,736
that I don't fully remember.
171
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:45,363
Teachers should get paid
a million dollars a year.
172
00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:47,574
If birth control
pills fixed boners,
173
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:49,951
you would get them free
with your driver's license.
174
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:53,246
How do we know
that god isn't a tree?
175
00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:55,418
- Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Elizabeth Lemon.
176
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:58,376
And, uh, this is what
we're up against.
177
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,086
Four more years of a president
178
00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:02,422
chosen by people like her.
179
00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:05,008
She has an iPad
subscription to the new yorker.
180
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,652
She vehemently
opposes the ivory trade,
181
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,136
despite the jobs it creates.
182
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,709
And in her apartment there is
a black-and-white photograph
183
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,084
where you can
almost see a breast.
184
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:14,976
It's an original Leonard nimoy.
185
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,978
- If we do not defeat Obama,
186
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,939
then people like
my little friend here
187
00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:20,523
will destroy this country.
188
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:23,318
So add a zero to whatever
you were planning to give.
189
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,654
For Romney, for america.
190
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:29,157
For anyone but her.
191
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:30,992
- What the hell, Jack?
192
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,644
I thought you said
I was your chum.
193
00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:33,827
- You are my chum.
194
00:07:34,037 --> 00:07:35,330
The bait I throw in the water
195
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,832
to attract the big fish.
196
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:41,044
- Damn it! Second meaning.
197
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:42,420
- Hi.
198
00:07:44,756 --> 00:07:45,382
- ♪ Pour margaritas ♪
199
00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:47,175
♪ sunburn's
starting to scab... ♪
200
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,760
- Yeah.
201
00:07:50,679 --> 00:07:51,679
Whoa.
202
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:55,392
What are you
douche-compadres doing here?
203
00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:57,268
- Well, Jenna, everyone knows
204
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,145
how you're always so chill.
205
00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:01,022
- So, of course,
you won't freak out
206
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:04,025
when you see that Cerie is
wearing that exact same shirt
207
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:05,568
as a dress.
208
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:08,029
- The belt is a baby's necktie.
209
00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:12,951
- Also, I found a bunch of
your pre-nosejob headshots.
210
00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:16,830
You'll sign them so I can
sell them online, right?
211
00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:18,456
- Of course.
212
00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:21,751
'Cause who cares
what you look like.
213
00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:24,879
All that counts
is what's inside...
214
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:26,798
Your blender.
215
00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:28,484
I'm glad you feel that way.
216
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,094
'Cause I've always
wanted to give you a haircut.
217
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:32,095
- Mm.
218
00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:34,806
Yeah!
219
00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:39,436
- You... virgins, have no
idea who you're messing with.
220
00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:40,395
- Whoa, Jenna.
221
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,313
Unwindulax.
222
00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:44,983
- Oh, I'm not just
Jenna anymore.
223
00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:47,402
I am a god to
those crabcatchers,
224
00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,612
and they will do whatever I say.
225
00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:50,904
- So what?
226
00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:52,282
- Oh, I'll tell you so what.
227
00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:54,242
For one thing, if you
cross me or my army,
228
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,286
you will never set
foot in Florida again.
229
00:08:56,578 --> 00:08:58,246
Because that's our capital.
230
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:01,082
- But I'm judging spike
TV's miss nude divorcee
231
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:02,751
in tampa on Christmas Eve.
232
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:03,710
- Oh.
233
00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:05,354
- And I was gonna
visit mgm studios.
234
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:06,588
The rides there capture
235
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,965
the thrills and
chills of the movies.
236
00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:09,632
- And it doesn't end there,
237
00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:11,204
because my people
are everywhere.
238
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:12,862
If you ever want to
pick your ball color
239
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,012
at a putt-putt course,
240
00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:16,848
or have your alligator
euthanized humanely,
241
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,433
or fly on delta,
242
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:19,851
you will back off,
243
00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:23,188
or the crabcatchers
will come for you.
244
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:27,275
Just as soon as it's
cool for them to drive.
245
00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:30,403
- It's a Gray hoodie.
246
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,055
It say's "who
farted?" On the back.
247
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,199
It's got a bunch of
tampons in the pocket.
248
00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:35,676
I don't know what
else to tell you.
249
00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:36,159
- Lemon, there you are.
250
00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:37,827
- Did your girlfriend
even cancel?
251
00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:40,121
Or was this more
Karl rove trickery?
252
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,082
- Sorry, but I needed
you to come, Lemon.
253
00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:43,517
This luncheon is a fundraiser
254
00:09:43,541 --> 00:09:44,541
for my personal super pac
255
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,461
"Americans for an
American america."
256
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:49,130
I needed to unite the room
around a common enemy.
257
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,483
And ed begley, Jr.
Wasn't available,
258
00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:52,342
because the sail
on his car broke.
259
00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:55,178
- See, this is why 50.1 % of
Americans hate Republicans.
260
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:57,597
Because you're
sneaky and cynical.
261
00:09:57,889 --> 00:09:59,283
- Cynical? I think I'm the
very opposite of cynical.
262
00:09:59,307 --> 00:10:00,947
I'm doing everything
I can for my beliefs.
263
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:03,019
And I truly believe
that one rich person
264
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:04,413
can make a difference
in this country,
265
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:08,024
and a roomful of rich people
can... Change the world.
266
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:10,419
- Well, I also believe that one
person can make a difference.
267
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:11,443
With ideas.
268
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,051
That really is wonderful.
269
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:15,091
Harold, you have to hear
this. Lemon, say that again.
270
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,283
- Ideas are more
powerful than money.
271
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:19,911
So what are you gonna
do with all this money, Jack?
272
00:10:20,203 --> 00:10:21,204
Buy ad time?
273
00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:22,997
'Cause I'm already
on TV every night,
274
00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,375
with a little
something called TGS.
275
00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:28,419
And we just got nominated for
a Stage managers' guild award.
276
00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:31,172
So you may have
millions of dollars, sir,
277
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,591
but america will
hear my two cents.
278
00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:36,449
- That's not what
people want, Lemon.
279
00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:37,780
Least of all, from
their televisions.
280
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,264
They want their honeys boo boo
281
00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:41,432
and their Sunday night feetball,
282
00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:42,433
which is the plural of football.
283
00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:43,393
Americans don't want to think.
284
00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:45,311
That's why they need men like me
285
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,188
to pick their
presidents for them.
286
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:48,480
- Wow. Okay.
287
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:51,401
So, I guess, it's my
words versus your money.
288
00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:53,212
And we'll see who can
really make a difference
289
00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:53,862
in this election.
290
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,446
It's on, Donaghy.
291
00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:58,908
May the best gender
non-specific person win.
292
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,370
- Just leave the
amount blank, Harold.
293
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:04,539
- Those are tampons.
294
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,457
Deal with it.
295
00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:13,840
- For god's sake,
some of us have jobs!
296
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,384
I've got a pile of
1020-gs up here
297
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,386
with no travel times on them,
298
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,847
and if I don't...
299
00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:23,308
- Listen up, nerds!
300
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,810
Tonight, TGS is
about to get real.
301
00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:27,462
We've got 38
minutes of air time...
302
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:29,525
An hour, if the bowling
tournament ends early...
303
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,858
And we are gonna use it to
get the message out there.
304
00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:33,359
- I don't know.
305
00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:35,129
I think we've been hitting
Romney pretty hard.
306
00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:37,030
- I guess that's why
they call me mitt.
307
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:40,408
- "Baseball mitt Romney"
and "Barack a llama"
308
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:41,700
aren't saying anything.
309
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:43,286
I want to make a difference.
310
00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:45,598
We got to do something
big, something that'll go viral.
311
00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:49,292
Like that otter that
looked just like Tracy.
312
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:51,520
Look, we've got the
greatest resource in the world
313
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:54,005
at our fingertips:
American celebrity.
314
00:11:54,297 --> 00:11:55,497
We get some hot young actor...
315
00:11:55,673 --> 00:11:56,216
- oh, my grandnephew
Kellan Lutz,
316
00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:57,707
from twilight, is visiting me.
317
00:11:57,926 --> 00:12:00,637
He's in my office.
318
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:01,989
- I have tolerated
your pathological lying
319
00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:03,139
for six years.
320
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:07,769
If you speak
again, I will kill you.
321
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,061
- Great-uncle?
322
00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:12,148
Momma's baby is out
of "marsh-mal-lows."
323
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,108
- Sweet grandnephew,
324
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,003
I've been warming more
"marsh-mal-lows" for you
325
00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:17,570
in the pocket of my dungarees.
326
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:26,371
- Okay, good job, Lutz.
327
00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:29,749
- Gentlemen, token silent lady,
328
00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:32,877
we have to spend all
of our wonderful money,
329
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:35,380
and help my
hair-mentor, mitt Romney,
330
00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:38,675
become the 11th legitimate
president of the United States.
331
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:41,177
Garrett, what does
the campaign need?
332
00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:42,469
- Well, as you know,
333
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,389
with pacs like this,
we're not allowed
334
00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:47,350
to have direct contact
with candidates.
335
00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:48,935
I'm kidding.
336
00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:50,853
I'm Garrett Romney,
mitt's my dad.
337
00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:52,814
But here's the thing, Jack.
338
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:55,316
My brother-dad, which
is mormon for "dad,"
339
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,368
has more money than
he knows what to do with.
340
00:12:57,652 --> 00:12:58,945
- With all due respect, Garrett,
341
00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:00,397
I don't think that's a thing.
342
00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:02,549
- Well, it's just, at this
point in the campaign,
343
00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:05,660
for us, it's more
about ideas than cash.
344
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,032
- Garrett, I would slap you
345
00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:09,014
if I didn't know you were
going to get your own planet
346
00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:10,039
when you die.
347
00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:13,167
And until your father
has 100% of the vote,
348
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:14,853
I think we can still
make a difference.
349
00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:17,422
I mean, look how poorly we're
polling with African-Americans.
350
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,441
- Jack, there's no amount
of money that could...
351
00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:21,068
- how dare you talk that
way in front of the pile.
352
00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:22,372
Aw, thanks, Jack.
353
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:23,830
- There is no
problem in the world
354
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,722
that can't be solved
by throwing money at it.
355
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:29,726
Now, let's change
some black minds.
356
00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:34,689
- Look what Jenna's
goons have done.
357
00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:35,981
Pete's going insane.
358
00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:37,270
The pranksmen are neutered.
359
00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:39,193
We can't let her
get away with this.
360
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:40,653
- Well, what can we do?
361
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:42,256
We're just three
nerdy white guys,
362
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,240
and she's got a whole army.
363
00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:47,535
- But what if she didn't?
364
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,370
I know what we should do.
365
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,456
- Pumpkin patch?
366
00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,752
- Hi, I'm Hollywood
liberal Don Cheadle,
367
00:13:56,044 --> 00:13:59,589
and I supp...
368
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,382
I support mitt Romney.
369
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:02,759
- Good, continue.
370
00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:04,491
- Barack Obama
would have you believe
371
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,997
that African-Americans are
better off under his leadership.
372
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:08,848
But I just got $10 million
373
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:10,850
for appearing in an
ad for mitt Romney.
374
00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:12,661
So ask yourselves,
brothers and sisters,
375
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,187
who's really got your back?
376
00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:15,719
'Cause from where I'm standing,
377
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,231
mitt Romney is a...
378
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:19,776
Oh, my dear...
379
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,861
Mitt Romney is a layup.
380
00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:23,780
But don't just take it from me.
381
00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:26,949
Take it from my good friend
the black transformer, jazz.
382
00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:27,784
- What's crackin', my homies?
383
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,869
Jazz gets down
with the rom-nizzle.
384
00:14:30,161 --> 00:14:32,348
- Oh, my god, does he really
talk like that in the movie?
385
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,252
- Paid for by Americans
for an American america.
386
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:34,999
"Dy-no-mite."
387
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:36,584
- Oh, for heaven's sakes.
388
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,461
- That is garbage.
389
00:14:38,753 --> 00:14:39,921
- What are you talking about?
390
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:43,466
That was Don Cheadle
and jazz, your heroes.
391
00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:46,719
Do you know how
expensive that was?
392
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:48,930
Okay, I get it.
393
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:52,517
Let me do some, uh,
community organizing.
394
00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:55,603
- Sir, I am a deputized
election monitor,
395
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,122
and when my
supervisor Barbara gets
396
00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:58,564
out of her aquarobics class,
397
00:14:58,856 --> 00:15:00,233
she will be hearing about this,
398
00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:04,654
if she's found the hearing aid
she thinks her roommate stole.
399
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:09,659
In five, four, three, two.
400
00:15:09,951 --> 00:15:12,954
Listen up, america.
401
00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:15,540
- Thomas Jefferson once wrote...
402
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:30,721
The greatest danger
to American freedom...
403
00:15:31,013 --> 00:15:32,932
- Shut up! Listen to the words!
404
00:15:33,224 --> 00:15:37,937
Is a government that
ignores the constitution.
405
00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:40,314
- Take it off!
406
00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:41,606
- No.
407
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:47,696
- Whoo!
408
00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:51,159
- This is so demoralizing.
409
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:52,076
In the past 24 hours,
410
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,495
I've spent millions of dollars.
411
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:57,373
I got B.E.T. to let
Mike Huckabee present
412
00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,584
"best club banger" at
the hip-hop a wards.
413
00:15:59,876 --> 00:16:02,795
And yet we're still polling at
0% among African-Americans.
414
00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:04,231
If my money can't
make a difference,
415
00:16:04,255 --> 00:16:05,548
I'm moving to Monaco.
416
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,717
- Jack, don't say that.
- I'm serious.
417
00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:09,862
Over there, they solve all
their problems with money.
418
00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:11,429
They use it to put out fires.
419
00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:14,849
- Ce feu m'ennuie.
420
00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:16,601
- Why should I
even bother to vote?
421
00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:19,729
New York will go for Obama
even if I voted a hundred times.
422
00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:21,021
Instead of my usual five.
423
00:16:21,272 --> 00:16:22,458
- Maybe you can
make a difference
424
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:23,191
in a battleground state.
425
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:24,626
- Oh, what's the point,
Garrett? You know what?
426
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:28,196
I'll tell you exactly how this
election is going to play out.
427
00:16:32,783 --> 00:16:34,911
- Hey. I just came in to
see how my friend's doing,
428
00:16:35,203 --> 00:16:39,415
but obviously he went back
into his mouse hole, so, uh...
429
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:40,707
How are you?
430
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,158
Jack was right.
431
00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:45,092
People don't want an idea
bomb dropped on them.
432
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:46,380
- Don't give up.
433
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:49,050
That is not the
Lisa loeb I know.
434
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:50,510
- Why do I even vote?
435
00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:52,154
New York's gonna
go for Obama anyway.
436
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:54,218
Maybe if I lived in Ohio, I
could make a difference.
437
00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:55,472
- Actually, no.
438
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:57,041
Ohio's definitely
going for Romney.
439
00:16:57,308 --> 00:16:59,227
- Yeah, you don't know
which way Ohio's going.
440
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,519
- But I do.
441
00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:01,270
Liz Lemon, I've done stand-up
442
00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:02,802
in every state in this country.
443
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:05,191
I know the people of america.
444
00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:08,194
I know how they think.
445
00:17:08,486 --> 00:17:11,405
I can tell you exactly how
this election is gonna play out.
446
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:13,658
- Everyone knows Romney has
447
00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:15,785
a vacation home
in New Hampshire.
448
00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:17,077
What they don't know
449
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,622
is that he hunts
humans on that property.
450
00:17:19,914 --> 00:17:21,457
New Hampshire goes to Obama.
451
00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:24,585
- Now, north Carolina
goes to Romney.
452
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:25,957
I worked there this summer,
453
00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:28,464
and they are not on board
with a black man lecturing them.
454
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:31,300
I don't care if it's Obama
talking about health care
455
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:33,302
or me talking about white butts.
456
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:36,097
They are different
than black butts.
457
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,849
- Pennsylvania is Obama's.
458
00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:41,394
The voting machines
there have become sentient.
459
00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:42,687
And, for some reason,
460
00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:45,273
they are strongly in
favor of gay marriage.
461
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:46,965
- But we're not
gonna win Wisconsin.
462
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:48,693
I don't know why.
463
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:51,487
- Ever since Tracy set
fire to Lambeau Field,
464
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:54,448
wisconsinites are coming
around on the death penalty.
465
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:57,493
Wisconsin goes for Romney.
466
00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:59,036
That just leaves...
467
00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:02,748
- Florida, the penis of america!
468
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,250
- Florida...
469
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:07,253
The penis of america.
470
00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:08,796
- Pete!
471
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,368
We have a scheme
to destroy Jenna
472
00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:12,008
and her army of cretins.
473
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:13,384
- For the past seven years,
474
00:18:13,676 --> 00:18:14,876
I've been compiling a supercut
475
00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:17,096
of all of Jenna
Maroney's worst moments.
476
00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:20,308
Security footage, cell
phone videos, rehearsals...
477
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,811
All her biggest diva
freak-outs are on this DVD.
478
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,688
When we put this online,
479
00:18:25,980 --> 00:18:29,859
the crabcatchers will
see what a fraud Jenna is.
480
00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:33,613
- Someone get a P.A.
to feed me baby food.
481
00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:36,907
Or I will drop a "d"
in the greenroom.
482
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:39,493
- No, Pete! Why?
483
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:41,495
- Last night, after the show...
484
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:48,002
I went to give them
a piece of my mind.
485
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:49,503
- Enjoy, bro.
486
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:50,795
- But before I could...
487
00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:51,631
- ♪ Slow down ♪
488
00:18:51,922 --> 00:18:54,342
- They gave me peace.
489
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,177
- ♪ Way down ♪
490
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:59,764
♪ go down to the water ♪
491
00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:02,725
- There were no
1020-gs down there.
492
00:19:03,017 --> 00:19:04,226
No neck pain.
493
00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:05,811
No fear.
494
00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:09,690
Just easy livin'.
495
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,782
Something you mainlanders
wouldn't understand.
496
00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:14,528
- Pete, come on.
497
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:16,530
- Pete's dead.
498
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:19,700
I'm Panama, now.
499
00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:23,037
- Now, like any penis,
500
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,456
Florida is very complicated.
501
00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:27,708
The Cubans in the
south... Very conservative.
502
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,835
I had a lot of expensive
cigars put out on me
503
00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:31,837
in Miami comedy clubs.
504
00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:34,423
- But central
Florida is dominated
505
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:36,509
by Jewish retirees,
serial killers,
506
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:39,553
and secretly gay Disney princes,
507
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,555
all of whom love Obama.
508
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:43,182
Meanwhile...
509
00:19:43,474 --> 00:19:46,310
In northern Florida...
510
00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:47,602
Huh.
511
00:19:47,770 --> 00:19:50,564
- The only crowds I
could never figure out
512
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,733
were in northern Florida.
513
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:53,526
One week they're laughing at me,
514
00:19:53,818 --> 00:19:55,903
the next week,
they're laughing at me.
515
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,714
- According to this,
the electorate there
516
00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,323
is impossible to predict.
517
00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:01,867
It's a combination
of elderly shut-ins,
518
00:20:02,159 --> 00:20:03,285
beach bums...
519
00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:05,297
Both: Bus passengers
who ran out of money...
520
00:20:05,496 --> 00:20:08,249
- Swamp people and pirates.
521
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,127
These people don't
like to be told what to do.
522
00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:13,462
They just want to sit
on the beach and drink.
523
00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,881
There motto is "unwindulax."
524
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:19,719
Unwindulax.
525
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:22,888
Oh, my god.
526
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:25,182
- Morning, crabcatchers.
527
00:20:27,518 --> 00:20:30,396
You all unwindulaxing?
528
00:20:31,605 --> 00:20:34,233
- One person can
make a difference.
529
00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:36,986
And that person is Jenna!
530
00:20:37,278 --> 00:20:39,280
- The next president
of the United States
531
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:41,949
will be chosen by...
532
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:45,578
Jenna Maroney.
533
00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:48,038
- To be continued...
534
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:50,916
Mr. Spider.
535
00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:52,626
Ew, web in my mouth!
536
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:55,731
Male announcer:
Next week, on 30 rock...
537
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:56,755
Will Jenna Maroney choose
538
00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:58,382
the next leader
of the free world?
539
00:20:58,674 --> 00:20:59,967
Will Jack or Liz manipulate her
540
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,677
into doing the
thing we just said?
541
00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:03,529
Will Cerie ever wear
a piece of clothing
542
00:21:03,554 --> 00:21:04,554
for its intended use?
543
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:06,365
Will Pete drop the
whole "Panama" thing,
544
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:07,959
and have a totally
different story?
545
00:21:08,142 --> 00:21:10,060
Spoiler alert... Yes.
546
00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:12,021
Is Tracy actually a wereotter?
547
00:21:12,313 --> 00:21:14,565
Will Kellan Lutz fill his
tummy with "marsh-mal-lows"?
548
00:21:14,857 --> 00:21:16,209
Will the invisible murderer
who's in every scene
549
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:16,901
finally strike?
550
00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:19,487
Will NBC's head of promotions
ever get that mousetrap
551
00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:20,905
off his penis?
552
00:21:21,197 --> 00:21:23,991
Will Kenneth finally defeat
his Nemesis, Mr. Spider?
553
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:25,443
Will your DVR cut this pro...