1
00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:07,591
- What?
2
00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:09,801
Hold on. Your name
is Jack Donaghy?
3
00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,637
That's hilarious.
- I bet your pardon.
4
00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:13,222
Where is your supervisor?
5
00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:14,765
- Oh, you sound just like him.
6
00:00:15,057 --> 00:00:16,159
Now say, "don't
talk to me like that.
7
00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:17,434
Don't you know who I am?"
8
00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:19,646
- I will not say that
because you just ruined it.
9
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,023
- Jack Donaghy.
10
00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:25,973
- What, pray tell, is so funny?
11
00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:27,712
Both: I'll give you
something to laugh about.
12
00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:29,947
I can't believe he said it.
13
00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:32,449
- Gabe, Google: "Jack
Donaghy and black laughter."
14
00:00:32,741 --> 00:00:33,992
- Hold up.
15
00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:36,995
You're Jack Donaghy.
16
00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:39,206
- Why am I suddenly
an object of derision
17
00:00:39,498 --> 00:00:40,832
in your community?
18
00:00:41,124 --> 00:00:43,418
I've championed
diversity on NBC.
19
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,003
I mean, we've got football.
20
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:46,380
That's pretty black, right?
21
00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:48,882
- I'm laughing
because Jack Donaghy
22
00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:50,884
is the bad guy
from Tracy Jordan's
23
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:52,176
aunt Phatso movie.
24
00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:53,887
- But you can't shut us down.
25
00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:57,975
The $25,000 rap
competition is in two days.
26
00:00:58,267 --> 00:01:00,727
- Well, unless you can
come up with $25,000
27
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,814
in just two days, I'm
turning this community center
28
00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:06,275
into of my garbage dumps.
29
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,736
- Ooh, damn you, Jack Donaghy.
30
00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:11,572
Aah!
31
00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:24,994
♪ ♪
32
00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:35,429
- Aah, this is so embarrassing.
33
00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:37,389
I accidentally wore
my tap shoes today.
34
00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:39,433
Well, might as well do my act.
35
00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:42,060
Now imagine I'm
wearing underwear.
36
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:43,538
- Hazel, what'd I
tell you last time
37
00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:44,855
you tried to audition for me?
38
00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,291
- "Aah, who's there?
Please don't hurt me.
39
00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:47,816
The safe's in my
children's room."
40
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:49,610
- You're not
getting on the show.
41
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,111
- Too bad, Hazel.
42
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:54,448
Look like everyone's
onto your crazy now.
43
00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:57,951
- Why don't you make like
a woman driver and get lost?
44
00:01:58,243 --> 00:01:58,952
- 'Cause I'd rather
make like the father
45
00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,287
I never had and stay.
46
00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:01,979
- Well, don't worry
about me, Jenna.
47
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,458
I've got everyone
I need on my side.
48
00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:06,209
Who, Kenneth?
49
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:08,378
- The things he knows
about you people...
50
00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:10,088
For instance, someone here
51
00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:13,842
sucks on old baby wipes to
get the alcohol out of them.
52
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,414
- Who does that?
That's my thing!
53
00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:17,074
- And one of the
days, Kenneth's gonna
54
00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:18,805
tell me something I can use.
55
00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:20,766
And then I'll make my move.
56
00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:22,517
- Well, time is running out.
57
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:24,144
Tick tock, Hazel.
58
00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:25,896
The clock is ticking.
59
00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:27,689
- Well, you know
what else ticks?
60
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:28,982
A time bomb.
61
00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:31,818
So, yeah, Jenna, tick tock.
62
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,324
- Oh, there she is. Finally.
63
00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:38,784
Liz, where have you been?
64
00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,094
- I told you, like, ten times.
65
00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:41,478
I had a doctor's
appointment today.
66
00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:43,747
My bunions are out of control.
67
00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,642
The podiatrist said the
only possible explanation
68
00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:48,210
is that one of my ancestors
mated with a dinosaur.
69
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,521
- Well, while you were out
we had a little budget snafu.
70
00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:51,905
We can't build any new sets.
- Ugh.
71
00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:53,316
- So you're gonna have
to completely rewrite
72
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:54,340
tomorrow's show so that
73
00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:56,218
everything takes
place in a farmhouse.
74
00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:57,750
- Pete, the budget is your job.
75
00:02:57,844 --> 00:02:59,930
- Who are we to
stay what anything is?
76
00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:01,682
Okay.
77
00:03:01,973 --> 00:03:03,973
What did you write after
Pete told you we're short?
78
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,097
- Liz, we spent a long time
79
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:07,938
trying to come up with
a good excuse for why
80
00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:10,649
we didn't write
anything, but we failed.
81
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:12,861
- I put off this doctor's
appointment for months.
82
00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:15,278
They had to saw me
out of my sneakers.
83
00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:16,756
And I need
quadruple-bunion surgery,
84
00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:18,100
but I can't get it
because I would
85
00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:19,843
have to be off my
feet for three weeks.
86
00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:21,915
And that would require
someone else around here
87
00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:24,204
to actually step up.
88
00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:25,706
I would stomp off right now,
89
00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,417
but my doctor says I
need to walk like this.
90
00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:31,878
Delightful... Charlie chaplin.
91
00:03:32,170 --> 00:03:35,549
You have the moustache
and everything.
92
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,593
- What's the matter,
Jack Donaghy?
93
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:40,845
Did somebody accidentally
swing a wrecking ball...
94
00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,323
what are you doing in here?
95
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:45,142
- Uh, Lemon, do
you think I'm a villain?
96
00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:47,686
- I have heard you
say, "guard, seize him."
97
00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:49,038
- That was at a Knicks game.
98
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,262
They needed to stop the clock.
99
00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:51,690
Why are you limping?
100
00:03:51,982 --> 00:03:54,276
A foot illness or
fell running for food?
101
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:55,694
- I need bunion surgery,
102
00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:57,279
but I can't get bunion surgery
103
00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,291
because I have to do
everything around here.
104
00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:01,616
- No, you choose to do
everything around here.
105
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,243
You need an assistant.
- What? No.
106
00:04:03,535 --> 00:04:04,953
I mean, I can always use Cerie.
107
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,973
Although, the one time I
did send her on an errand
108
00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:08,623
she met some guy
who flew her to Paris,
109
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,059
and then she started modeling.
110
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,352
And then she ended
up being the reason
111
00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:12,896
why the French soccer
team did so badly
112
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:14,463
in the 2010 world cup.
113
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,035
- Hire someone,
someone dedicated
114
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,549
to making your life easier.
115
00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:18,425
- I don't know.
116
00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:21,052
- You wanna start a
family, you have to prioritize.
117
00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:22,572
How can you take care of a child
118
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,431
if you can't take
care of your own feet?
119
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:27,535
- Hey, Grizz. Hey, Dot Com.
120
00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:29,269
Get me a black coffee, by which
121
00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:31,146
I mean, a sunkist.
122
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,356
- How could you think
we're Grizz and Dot Com?
123
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:35,448
- 'Cause I don't see
race, you white bastards.
124
00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:37,152
- Tracy...
125
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:40,030
Would you care to explain this?
126
00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:43,325
- What, pray tell, is so funny?
127
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:46,495
- Jack Donaghy, don't you
know in this neighborhood
128
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,997
you got to take
your tires with you?
129
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:52,417
- Aunt Phatso, you're fired.
130
00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:54,711
You're all fired.
131
00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,963
What is this?
132
00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:58,673
- That's Tracy
Jordan's aunt Phatso
133
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,092
goes to the
hospitals goes to jail.
134
00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:03,362
- When did you make a movie?
- Fourth of July weekend.
135
00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:05,972
I wrote, directed, and did
all of the makeup myself.
136
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:07,264
- Oh, it's terrible.
137
00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:10,560
- We made $50
million... In Atlanta.
138
00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:12,562
- That man is portraying me.
139
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:13,873
- That's Leslie van Vondervann.
140
00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:15,041
He's used to be
on "knots landing."
141
00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:16,733
- My twin is dead.
142
00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:17,651
- Unacceptable.
143
00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:19,236
After all I've done for you...
144
00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:20,904
I've brought you
back from the dead
145
00:05:21,196 --> 00:05:22,364
and revived you career.
146
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,449
And this is how you thank me?
147
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:25,909
- You will respect me.
148
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,286
Amd you will respect
these boobies.
149
00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:32,517
- I want every DVD of this movie
150
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,376
removed from stores, burned,
151
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:37,796
and melted into a statue
of you apologizing to me.
152
00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:39,631
- I will do no such thing.
153
00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,651
The only statue that
movie will be turned into
154
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,927
is a N.A.A.C.P. shame award.
155
00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:45,780
- Hey, is there another
one of these coming out?
156
00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:47,124
Because I think
I saw an ad for it
157
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,932
in urban buttz magazine.
158
00:05:49,224 --> 00:05:50,584
They have an
excellent word jumble.
159
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,204
- The new movie's
called Tracy Jordan's
160
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:55,730
aunt Phatso's Jack
Donaghy's we at it again.
161
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,858
- Oh, you will not
release that movie.
162
00:05:58,149 --> 00:05:59,168
- You can't order me around.
163
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,472
Who do you think
I am? Liz Lemon?
164
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:01,319
- I will not have you talk to me
165
00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:03,446
like I'm some kind of Liz Lemon.
166
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,498
- Whatever. I'll speak
at both your funerals.
167
00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:07,826
- Typical Jack Donaghy,
giving me no respect.
168
00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:09,786
I'm the CEO of my own company.
169
00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:12,122
I'm rich. I'm just like you!
170
00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:13,999
- Just like me? I
went to Princeton.
171
00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:15,458
- I neglected a tiger.
172
00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,478
- I'm on the board of the
New York philharmonic.
173
00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:18,646
- I'm friends with
Phil harmonic,
174
00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:20,338
the worst rapper of all time.
175
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,132
- And I'm your boss. I own you.
176
00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:24,551
Think about that during
your five-night appearance
177
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,428
on wa tch what happens live.
178
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,139
- No! Andy Cohen is so catty.
179
00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:30,700
- And that's just the beginning.
180
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:31,964
If you don't take care of this,
181
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,518
you're fired.
182
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:37,480
You're all fired.
183
00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:39,649
- So tell me about
your day, Kevin.
184
00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:40,609
I mean, Todd.
185
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,141
- Well, this morning miss Lemon
186
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,362
had one of her meltdowns.
- Really?
187
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,406
About what?
- Mm.
188
00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:48,867
Because she can't balance
work and personal life.
189
00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:50,660
But I mean, after seven years
190
00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,192
and hundreds of these episodes,
191
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:55,206
it's like, let's move on.
192
00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:56,498
- Liz needs help.
193
00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:58,501
She needs someone
who's ambitious
194
00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:01,588
and talented and
humble and a liar.
195
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,090
That's where Hazel comes in.
196
00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:06,259
- Okay.
197
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:08,595
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, let
me hang those up for you.
198
00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:10,263
You've got better things to do,
199
00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,474
you genius.
- Okay. Thanks.
200
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:15,894
- Oh, also, I put all the new
promos on your computer.
201
00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:17,896
And I wasn't sure how
you take your coffee,
202
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:19,522
so mouth or enema?
203
00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:21,232
- What's going on here, Hazel?
204
00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:22,692
- You need help.
205
00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:24,527
I know you're trying
to get pregnant
206
00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,488
because I think
about it all the time.
207
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:29,991
You on top, your
hair whipping around.
208
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,785
But what if you do have a kid
209
00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:33,888
and you have to leave
work because your daughter
210
00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:36,039
shot her choir
teacher's husband?
211
00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:37,600
I mean, that's the kind of stuff
212
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:38,833
my mom had to deal with.
213
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:40,168
- Wow, okay.
214
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,213
Well, I'm just not sure
that I'm comfortable...
215
00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:44,905
Did you get me a
second mini-fridge?
216
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:47,634
- No. I got you a mini-freezer,
217
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,344
full of candy bars so cold
218
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,554
they'll crack your
jaw, you bitch.
219
00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:54,099
I didn't say any...
220
00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:55,684
Look, I wanna help.
221
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,478
You're my hero. Just
give me a chance.
222
00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:01,231
Sisters helping
sisters. Glass ceiling.
223
00:08:01,523 --> 00:08:02,816
Legitimate rape.
224
00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:04,192
- Okay, Hazel.
225
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:05,684
I'm gonna get my foot surgery.
226
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:06,879
And if you can be
my eyes and ears
227
00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:09,322
while I'm stuck on the
couch, you've got the job.
228
00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:10,614
- Great.
229
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:12,117
Now, if it's okay with you,
230
00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:15,495
I am gonna go
wash your sweatshirt.
231
00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:18,915
- You got it unstuck
from the chair!
232
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,461
- Good evening.
233
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,673
The New York philharmonic
is thrilled to announce
234
00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:28,800
that we've recently received
a very generous donation
235
00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:30,332
that will keep us fully endowed
236
00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:31,761
for the next decade.
237
00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:37,559
In honor of that gift,
tonight's scheduled program
238
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,769
of Debussy and
Rachmaninoff will be replaced
239
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:42,897
with a selection chosen
by our anonymous donor.
240
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:46,443
So please enjoy a
four-hour rendition
241
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:49,320
of the theme song
from sanford and son.
242
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:57,537
♪ ♪
243
00:08:57,829 --> 00:09:00,665
- Now who's in charge?
244
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:09,841
- Here we go.
- Hazel, thank you
245
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:12,260
for taking care of everything.
246
00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:15,531
I can't believe you
got my health plan
247
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,265
to cover all this.
- Oh.
248
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,197
You just need to know
what to say to them,
249
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:20,393
like their children's names
250
00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:23,605
and what they
wore to school today.
251
00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:28,026
Oh.
252
00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:29,336
Oh, will you send Frank in?
253
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,362
I wanna see what they
wrote to fill the fifth act.
254
00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:33,865
- Or. Since I'm here to help,
255
00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:35,742
maybe I could fill the time.
256
00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:38,161
I still know my rhythmic
gymnastics routine.
257
00:09:38,453 --> 00:09:39,662
I was good...
258
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,514
Until I hit puberty
and the coaches said
259
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,124
I got too pregnant.
- Are you kidding?
260
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,085
I'm not gonna put
you on the show.
261
00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:46,753
Oh.
262
00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:48,463
- Uh, Lemon, a word?
- Hey, guy!
263
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:51,424
You can't just walk in
here whenever you want.
264
00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:53,218
How can I help you?
265
00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:55,345
- So Lemon has an
assistant? Excellent.
266
00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:57,597
Jack Donaghy to see Liz Lemon.
267
00:09:57,889 --> 00:09:58,889
- Mm.
268
00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:00,642
A Mr. Donaghy here for you.
269
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:01,976
- Get off this channel!
270
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:03,978
This is a military frequency.
271
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,564
- Okay, you can go in.
272
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:09,609
- So you got your surgery
273
00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:11,152
and the world hasn't ended?
274
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,863
- I think I can do
this, Jack, all of it.
275
00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:15,195
I mean, right now, my feet
276
00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:16,866
are kind of like babies.
277
00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:19,536
I have to swaddle them,
and they need ointment,
278
00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:22,747
and, like, six times a day
Brown stuff comes out of them.
279
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:25,583
You're beautiful
babies, yes you are.
280
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:28,044
- Look, Lemon, I
need some advice.
281
00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:31,005
Tracy is actually
trying to fight back.
282
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,257
He ruined a wonderful
evening at the philharmonic,
283
00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:35,176
paying them to
play the same song
284
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:36,970
over and over again for hours.
285
00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:38,739
♪ I can't remember... ♪
286
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:40,043
♪ I can't remember what it was ♪
287
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,684
But the point is, the
man is totally irrational.
288
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,216
- You know what? Tracy's right.
289
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:46,479
You two are a lot alike.
- I beg your pardon?
290
00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:48,165
- You're both
stubborn, you're rich,
291
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:49,250
you think you're
right all the time.
292
00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:50,918
You wanted to prove
that you're not like Tracy?
293
00:10:50,942 --> 00:10:53,111
Let it go.
- Or crush him,
294
00:10:53,403 --> 00:10:54,737
and prove you both wrong.
295
00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:57,115
Get two birds with one stone,
296
00:10:57,407 --> 00:10:59,301
like when I used Mick
Jagger to lure Roger McGuinn
297
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:01,077
and David Crosby
to my birthday party.
298
00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:03,288
- Listen yourself. You
sound exactly like Tracy.
299
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:05,540
No.
300
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:09,419
Just the person I wanted to see.
301
00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:13,047
Oh. Hi, Kenneth.
302
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:16,426
Look, I need to tell you
something about Hazel.
303
00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:17,862
- Oh, no, ma'am. I don't think
304
00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:19,512
I should talk to you
anymore about her.
305
00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:21,222
You only have bad things to say.
306
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:22,640
Uh, Hazel's my girlfriend.
307
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:25,351
- Kenneth, this sounds insane,
308
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:27,395
but I care about
you as a friend.
309
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,230
I take in 50 calories a day and
310
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,900
I'm using them all up
just trying to help you.
311
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,277
- Then just be
happy that I'm happy.
312
00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:35,987
- You're happy because of Hazel?
313
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,740
What could she possibly
give you that I can't?
314
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,926
- Well, I'll tell you what
she gives me, Ms. Maroney.
315
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,452
She listens to me.
316
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:44,287
- Just tell me what it is.
317
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:46,139
- I tell her what
happened during my day
318
00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:49,000
and she actually
wants to hear about it.
319
00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:52,086
Can you give me
that, Ms. Maroney?
320
00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:55,006
I don't know.
321
00:11:55,298 --> 00:11:57,592
- Ah, Tracy, thank
you for coming.
322
00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,093
Please, have a seat.
323
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:02,347
- No, thank you. I
prefer to lie down.
324
00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,224
- These are my lawyers.
325
00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:05,808
One is German, one is Japanese.
326
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:09,187
And you don't bring these
guys together to play Patty-cake.
327
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:10,479
This is war.
328
00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:11,688
- Bad news, Jack.
329
00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:12,893
War's my favorite card game.
330
00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:14,859
And I win about half the time.
331
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:16,861
- Here's the rub, Tracy.
332
00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:18,613
Because you were reckless enough
333
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:21,157
to name your businessman
villain "Jack Donaghy,"
334
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:24,077
I can Sue you for libel.
335
00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:25,769
I'm gonna take
every penny you have.
336
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:27,195
- Not the ones I've swallowed.
337
00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:28,414
- We'll see about that.
338
00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:30,208
- Dude, it's not libel.
339
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,752
Everything Jack Donaghy
does in the movie,
340
00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:34,244
I've seen you do in real life.
341
00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:35,702
- Really? When have you seen me
342
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:36,923
do something like this?
343
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:38,675
- You're a menace, aunt Phatso.
344
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:41,469
But now that I'm
on the city council,
345
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:45,390
I'm cancelling your
urban youth program.
346
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:47,100
Oh, lord!
347
00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:50,311
- What? You did cancel a
program for urban youth.
348
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,106
It was my Saturday
morning kid's show,
349
00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:56,192
uncle Tracy's black
teletubbies rip-off.
350
00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:57,544
- I cancelled it
because, like you,
351
00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:59,862
it was overly sexual and
impossible to understand.
352
00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:02,365
- Grabalujah!
- Fine!
353
00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:05,285
I've technically cancelled
an urban children's program.
354
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:08,162
But what about this
assault on my good name?
355
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,873
- Not so fast, you crone.
356
00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:14,127
I bought all the wheelchair
ramps in this city.
357
00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:17,630
And I'm turning them
into more profitable stairs!
358
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:20,216
- When have I ever
verbally accosted
359
00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:22,010
an old woman in a wheelchair?
360
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,761
- Liz Lemon, 20 minutes ago.
361
00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:25,513
- Another technicality.
362
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,515
But the climax of
this monstrosity...
363
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,367
That is what she said.
364
00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:32,729
- Is when Jack Donaghy
shuts down an orphanage.
365
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:35,398
And I have never shut
down an orphanage.
366
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,108
- You're right. I put that in
367
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,720
just to have a part in there
for a little girl in my movie.
368
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:41,130
I'm Willow Smith-ing
my daughter.
369
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,363
Her album drops next week.
370
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:45,116
Christmas
371
00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:48,369
Blankie.
372
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:50,580
- This is libel, Tracy. I win.
373
00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:53,416
Checkmate. Game, set, match.
374
00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:55,960
Rumbledy-goo...
375
00:13:56,252 --> 00:14:00,089
Which is what you say
when you win in Polo.
376
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,346
- Tell me about your day.
377
00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:07,637
I'm listening.
378
00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,098
- Well, Ms. Maroney,
379
00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:13,019
This morning, I was...
380
00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:13,770
- you're doing amazing.
381
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:17,065
I wish you could see how
sexy your listening face is.
382
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:20,777
For Halloween, you
should go as a slutty ear.
383
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,403
What do you wanna do now?
384
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,406
Sing? Yeah, let's.
385
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:27,200
♪ I'll be up here ♪
386
00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:28,785
♪ and I'll be down here ♪
387
00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:31,788
♪ Jenna's blonde as a sunrise ♪
388
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,414
♪ hot as the sun ♪
389
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:37,418
♪ Bright as a shining sun ♪
390
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:38,836
- But with that being said,
391
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,464
how do you know when
you both feel the same way?
392
00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:43,174
I mean, sometimes I think...
393
00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:44,801
- ♪ Jenna is listening ♪
394
00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:49,847
♪ listening like
the sun in the sky ♪
395
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:51,599
- Ooh. Uh-oh.
396
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,143
Somebody needs to be changed.
397
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:56,354
- Need anything else, boss man?
398
00:14:56,646 --> 00:14:58,189
- I guess just bring
in the wheelchair
399
00:14:58,481 --> 00:15:00,525
so you can roll me down
to the floor for the show.
400
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,485
- What? No, Liz.
401
00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:04,570
You had surgery this morning.
402
00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:06,406
- Sure, but I have to be there.
403
00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:08,257
- Oh, I would slap
you if I didn't think
404
00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,617
it would lead to a kiss.
405
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,452
This is about priorities.
406
00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:14,288
What if those feet
were real babies?
407
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,958
Would you walk on them to work?
408
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:17,750
What kind of mother are you,
409
00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:19,419
you beautiful monster?
410
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:21,671
- Hazel, I have missed
one show in seven years,
411
00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:23,506
and it did not go well.
412
00:15:23,798 --> 00:15:24,798
- Aah!
413
00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:27,218
Josh, help me!
414
00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:29,345
- You're not gonna
miss the show.
415
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:32,390
You're gonna watch it
on the feed, baby girl.
416
00:15:32,682 --> 00:15:34,392
Idiot.
417
00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:36,978
I'll be next to Pete
the whole time.
418
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,563
And if there's an emergency,
419
00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:40,273
your wheelchair's right outside.
420
00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:41,983
- Well, I guess that could work.
421
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,360
- Let me be your eyes on set.
422
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:47,363
Although I can never
match that amazing color.
423
00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:49,907
- Criss calls it
"old-timey football."
424
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,549
- Five minutes to
air, five minutes.
425
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:10,386
- Wow. This is really working.
426
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:11,888
Hey, is that me?
427
00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:15,224
Okay, no, that can't be...
428
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:21,147
Oh, brother, that's me!
429
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:28,070
It's an old show? Son of a...
430
00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:29,614
- well, this email is from Liz.
431
00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:30,906
- Duh.
432
00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,783
Now, for my act, I'm
gonna need a tarp
433
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:36,871
because the first
three rows will get wet.
434
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:41,083
Why are my arms so weak?
435
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:43,711
It's like I did that push-up
last year for nothing.
436
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,671
- And two minutes
to air. Two minutes!
437
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:47,840
Aah.
438
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:50,760
I'm sorry, babies.
439
00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:57,183
♪ ♪
440
00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:59,602
Aah!
441
00:16:59,894 --> 00:17:02,146
Ow!
442
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,193
Aah!
443
00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:11,113
Wassername!
444
00:17:11,405 --> 00:17:13,616
- Huh? Oh... Oh, where am I?
445
00:17:13,908 --> 00:17:16,452
Oh, Pete roofied me.
446
00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:18,746
- Seriously, Hornberger?
447
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,358
You were gonna
put her on the air?
448
00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:22,500
- You told me to!
I have your email.
449
00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:24,627
"P-dog, let's use
Hazel in the cold open.
450
00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:25,959
"Don't call me about this.
451
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,421
Catch you on the flippy-floppy."
452
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:28,422
That's you.
453
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:31,050
- You people killed
my foot babies.
454
00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:34,929
My foot babies died
because of this show!
455
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:37,098
You're fired.
- You can't fire me.
456
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:38,670
You don't even
know my real name.
457
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:41,435
- Get out! Now!
458
00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:44,772
Ow.
459
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,525
- Did you just
fire my girlfriend?
460
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,110
- She's crazy, Kenneth.
461
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:50,611
- No, she's not.
462
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,780
Ms. Maroney
knows the real Hazel.
463
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,448
Tell them what I told you.
464
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:56,242
- Oh, god, what do I do?
465
00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:57,827
Help me, me.
466
00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,328
This one's on you, bitch.
467
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:05,876
- Were you not listening?
468
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:07,521
- I think a song
right now would...
469
00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:08,588
- that's it!
470
00:18:08,879 --> 00:18:11,674
From now on, my
relationship with all of you
471
00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:14,510
is strictly professional.
472
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:16,512
We are no longer friends.
473
00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:18,180
I am just a co-worker
who would do
474
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:21,058
anything for any
of you at any time.
475
00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:22,350
Nothing more!
476
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:25,813
- And we're live
in three, two...
477
00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:33,863
- Oh, yeah. They
didn't write anything.
478
00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:44,457
- Tracy, this is a surprise.
479
00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:46,626
I thought you'd be at
home licking your wounds.
480
00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:49,128
- No, that's why they
put that cone on me.
481
00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:52,923
I just wanted to give you this.
482
00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:55,343
- "You are cordially invited
to attend the premiere
483
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,595
"of Tracy Jordan's aunt Phatso's
484
00:18:57,887 --> 00:18:59,347
"Jack Donaghy's we at it again.
485
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:00,999
"A percentage
of the film's profits
486
00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:03,601
will go to support the
knuckle beach orphanage."
487
00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:04,893
I don't understand.
488
00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:06,421
- Without that
money, the orphanage
489
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,022
is gonna have to close.
490
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:11,108
- So if I shut down the movie,
491
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,569
I actually will close
down an orphanage.
492
00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:15,738
Which means the
movie isn't libelous.
493
00:19:16,030 --> 00:19:20,409
Which means I can't
shut down the movie.
494
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:23,788
That's... genius.
495
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,082
You win, Tracy.
496
00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:27,500
You bested Jack Donaghy.
497
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:29,627
- Now you finally respect me.
498
00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:32,004
And that's all I ever wanted.
499
00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:34,131
- I really can't stop
you from portraying me
500
00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:35,716
as the villain in your films.
501
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:36,592
- What? Come on.
502
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:39,095
Did you not watch the
whole movie, Jackie D?
503
00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:40,888
- Well, it's 47 minutes long.
504
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,641
- In the end, Jack
Donaghy is not the villain.
505
00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:45,393
- You win, aunt Phatso.
506
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,770
You bested Jack Donaghy.
507
00:19:48,062 --> 00:19:49,980
- Now you finally respect me.
508
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:52,274
And that's all I ever wanted...
509
00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:55,319
Except maybe that
hot little body of yours.
510
00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:57,091
Great Caesar's ghost!
511
00:19:57,279 --> 00:19:59,907
Aw, baby.
512
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,909
- Hm. Our thing
sure is playing out
513
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,120
just like the movie.
514
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:10,898
- Oh, look, it's Liz!
- Good old Liz!
515
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,837
- Well, my feet are ruined.
516
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:14,714
The show was an embarrassment.
517
00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:16,340
But I learned
something super fun.
518
00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:18,072
I will never be able
to have a family
519
00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:20,094
and work at TGS.
520
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:21,887
It's just not possible.
521
00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:23,180
So what do I do?
522
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,808
- Don't ask me.
Tracy's the genius here.
523
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:28,894
- Oh, well, tray, I'm scared.
524
00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:30,855
Do I give up on my dream job,
525
00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:32,982
something I've worked
my whole life to build?
526
00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:36,527
Or do I give up on my
dream of having a family?
527
00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:41,407
- Well, as a wise
woman once told me...
528
00:20:41,699 --> 00:20:43,409
Respect these boobies!
529
00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:51,834
- Seriously though,
what am I gonna do?
530
00:20:56,380 --> 00:21:04,380
♪ ♪
531
00:21:23,032 --> 00:21:24,992
♪ ♪