1 00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:07,591 - What? 2 00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:09,801 Hold on. Your name is Jack Donaghy? 3 00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,637 That's hilarious. - I bet your pardon. 4 00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:13,222 Where is your supervisor? 5 00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:14,765 - Oh, you sound just like him. 6 00:00:15,057 --> 00:00:16,159 Now say, "don't talk to me like that. 7 00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:17,434 Don't you know who I am?" 8 00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:19,646 - I will not say that because you just ruined it. 9 00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,023 - Jack Donaghy. 10 00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:25,973 - What, pray tell, is so funny? 11 00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:27,712 Both: I'll give you something to laugh about. 12 00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:29,947 I can't believe he said it. 13 00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:32,449 - Gabe, Google: "Jack Donaghy and black laughter." 14 00:00:32,741 --> 00:00:33,992 - Hold up. 15 00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:36,995 You're Jack Donaghy. 16 00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:39,206 - Why am I suddenly an object of derision 17 00:00:39,498 --> 00:00:40,832 in your community? 18 00:00:41,124 --> 00:00:43,418 I've championed diversity on NBC. 19 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,003 I mean, we've got football. 20 00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:46,380 That's pretty black, right? 21 00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:48,882 - I'm laughing because Jack Donaghy 22 00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:50,884 is the bad guy from Tracy Jordan's 23 00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:52,176 aunt Phatso movie. 24 00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:53,887 - But you can't shut us down. 25 00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:57,975 The $25,000 rap competition is in two days. 26 00:00:58,267 --> 00:01:00,727 - Well, unless you can come up with $25,000 27 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,814 in just two days, I'm turning this community center 28 00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:06,275 into of my garbage dumps. 29 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,736 - Ooh, damn you, Jack Donaghy. 30 00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:11,572 Aah! 31 00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:24,994 ♪ ♪ 32 00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:35,429 - Aah, this is so embarrassing. 33 00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:37,389 I accidentally wore my tap shoes today. 34 00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:39,433 Well, might as well do my act. 35 00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:42,060 Now imagine I'm wearing underwear. 36 00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:43,538 - Hazel, what'd I tell you last time 37 00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:44,855 you tried to audition for me? 38 00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,291 - "Aah, who's there? Please don't hurt me. 39 00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:47,816 The safe's in my children's room." 40 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:49,610 - You're not getting on the show. 41 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,111 - Too bad, Hazel. 42 00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:54,448 Look like everyone's onto your crazy now. 43 00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:57,951 - Why don't you make like a woman driver and get lost? 44 00:01:58,243 --> 00:01:58,952 - 'Cause I'd rather make like the father 45 00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,287 I never had and stay. 46 00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:01,979 - Well, don't worry about me, Jenna. 47 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,458 I've got everyone I need on my side. 48 00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:06,209 Who, Kenneth? 49 00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:08,378 - The things he knows about you people... 50 00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:10,088 For instance, someone here 51 00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:13,842 sucks on old baby wipes to get the alcohol out of them. 52 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,414 - Who does that? That's my thing! 53 00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:17,074 - And one of the days, Kenneth's gonna 54 00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:18,805 tell me something I can use. 55 00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:20,766 And then I'll make my move. 56 00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:22,517 - Well, time is running out. 57 00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:24,144 Tick tock, Hazel. 58 00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:25,896 The clock is ticking. 59 00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:27,689 - Well, you know what else ticks? 60 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:28,982 A time bomb. 61 00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:31,818 So, yeah, Jenna, tick tock. 62 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,324 - Oh, there she is. Finally. 63 00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:38,784 Liz, where have you been? 64 00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,094 - I told you, like, ten times. 65 00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:41,478 I had a doctor's appointment today. 66 00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:43,747 My bunions are out of control. 67 00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,642 The podiatrist said the only possible explanation 68 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:48,210 is that one of my ancestors mated with a dinosaur. 69 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,521 - Well, while you were out we had a little budget snafu. 70 00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:51,905 We can't build any new sets. - Ugh. 71 00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:53,316 - So you're gonna have to completely rewrite 72 00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:54,340 tomorrow's show so that 73 00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:56,218 everything takes place in a farmhouse. 74 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:57,750 - Pete, the budget is your job. 75 00:02:57,844 --> 00:02:59,930 - Who are we to stay what anything is? 76 00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:01,682 Okay. 77 00:03:01,973 --> 00:03:03,973 What did you write after Pete told you we're short? 78 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,097 - Liz, we spent a long time 79 00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:07,938 trying to come up with a good excuse for why 80 00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:10,649 we didn't write anything, but we failed. 81 00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:12,861 - I put off this doctor's appointment for months. 82 00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:15,278 They had to saw me out of my sneakers. 83 00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:16,756 And I need quadruple-bunion surgery, 84 00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:18,100 but I can't get it because I would 85 00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:19,843 have to be off my feet for three weeks. 86 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:21,915 And that would require someone else around here 87 00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:24,204 to actually step up. 88 00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:25,706 I would stomp off right now, 89 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,417 but my doctor says I need to walk like this. 90 00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:31,878 Delightful... Charlie chaplin. 91 00:03:32,170 --> 00:03:35,549 You have the moustache and everything. 92 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,593 - What's the matter, Jack Donaghy? 93 00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:40,845 Did somebody accidentally swing a wrecking ball... 94 00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,323 what are you doing in here? 95 00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:45,142 - Uh, Lemon, do you think I'm a villain? 96 00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:47,686 - I have heard you say, "guard, seize him." 97 00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:49,038 - That was at a Knicks game. 98 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,262 They needed to stop the clock. 99 00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:51,690 Why are you limping? 100 00:03:51,982 --> 00:03:54,276 A foot illness or fell running for food? 101 00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:55,694 - I need bunion surgery, 102 00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:57,279 but I can't get bunion surgery 103 00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,291 because I have to do everything around here. 104 00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:01,616 - No, you choose to do everything around here. 105 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,243 You need an assistant. - What? No. 106 00:04:03,535 --> 00:04:04,953 I mean, I can always use Cerie. 107 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,973 Although, the one time I did send her on an errand 108 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:08,623 she met some guy who flew her to Paris, 109 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,059 and then she started modeling. 110 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,352 And then she ended up being the reason 111 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:12,896 why the French soccer team did so badly 112 00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:14,463 in the 2010 world cup. 113 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,035 - Hire someone, someone dedicated 114 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,549 to making your life easier. 115 00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:18,425 - I don't know. 116 00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:21,052 - You wanna start a family, you have to prioritize. 117 00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:22,572 How can you take care of a child 118 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,431 if you can't take care of your own feet? 119 00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:27,535 - Hey, Grizz. Hey, Dot Com. 120 00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:29,269 Get me a black coffee, by which 121 00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:31,146 I mean, a sunkist. 122 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,356 - How could you think we're Grizz and Dot Com? 123 00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:35,448 - 'Cause I don't see race, you white bastards. 124 00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:37,152 - Tracy... 125 00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:40,030 Would you care to explain this? 126 00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:43,325 - What, pray tell, is so funny? 127 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:46,495 - Jack Donaghy, don't you know in this neighborhood 128 00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,997 you got to take your tires with you? 129 00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:52,417 - Aunt Phatso, you're fired. 130 00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:54,711 You're all fired. 131 00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,963 What is this? 132 00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:58,673 - That's Tracy Jordan's aunt Phatso 133 00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,092 goes to the hospitals goes to jail. 134 00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:03,362 - When did you make a movie? - Fourth of July weekend. 135 00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:05,972 I wrote, directed, and did all of the makeup myself. 136 00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:07,264 - Oh, it's terrible. 137 00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:10,560 - We made $50 million... In Atlanta. 138 00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:12,562 - That man is portraying me. 139 00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:13,873 - That's Leslie van Vondervann. 140 00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:15,041 He's used to be on "knots landing." 141 00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:16,733 - My twin is dead. 142 00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:17,651 - Unacceptable. 143 00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:19,236 After all I've done for you... 144 00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:20,904 I've brought you back from the dead 145 00:05:21,196 --> 00:05:22,364 and revived you career. 146 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,449 And this is how you thank me? 147 00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:25,909 - You will respect me. 148 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,286 Amd you will respect these boobies. 149 00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:32,517 - I want every DVD of this movie 150 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,376 removed from stores, burned, 151 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:37,796 and melted into a statue of you apologizing to me. 152 00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:39,631 - I will do no such thing. 153 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,651 The only statue that movie will be turned into 154 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,927 is a N.A.A.C.P. shame award. 155 00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:45,780 - Hey, is there another one of these coming out? 156 00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:47,124 Because I think I saw an ad for it 157 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,932 in urban buttz magazine. 158 00:05:49,224 --> 00:05:50,584 They have an excellent word jumble. 159 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,204 - The new movie's called Tracy Jordan's 160 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:55,730 aunt Phatso's Jack Donaghy's we at it again. 161 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,858 - Oh, you will not release that movie. 162 00:05:58,149 --> 00:05:59,168 - You can't order me around. 163 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,472 Who do you think I am? Liz Lemon? 164 00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:01,319 - I will not have you talk to me 165 00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:03,446 like I'm some kind of Liz Lemon. 166 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,498 - Whatever. I'll speak at both your funerals. 167 00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:07,826 - Typical Jack Donaghy, giving me no respect. 168 00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:09,786 I'm the CEO of my own company. 169 00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:12,122 I'm rich. I'm just like you! 170 00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:13,999 - Just like me? I went to Princeton. 171 00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:15,458 - I neglected a tiger. 172 00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,478 - I'm on the board of the New York philharmonic. 173 00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:18,646 - I'm friends with Phil harmonic, 174 00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:20,338 the worst rapper of all time. 175 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,132 - And I'm your boss. I own you. 176 00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:24,551 Think about that during your five-night appearance 177 00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,428 on wa tch what happens live. 178 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,139 - No! Andy Cohen is so catty. 179 00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:30,700 - And that's just the beginning. 180 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:31,964 If you don't take care of this, 181 00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,518 you're fired. 182 00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:37,480 You're all fired. 183 00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:39,649 - So tell me about your day, Kevin. 184 00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:40,609 I mean, Todd. 185 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,141 - Well, this morning miss Lemon 186 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,362 had one of her meltdowns. - Really? 187 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,406 About what? - Mm. 188 00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:48,867 Because she can't balance work and personal life. 189 00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:50,660 But I mean, after seven years 190 00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,192 and hundreds of these episodes, 191 00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:55,206 it's like, let's move on. 192 00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:56,498 - Liz needs help. 193 00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:58,501 She needs someone who's ambitious 194 00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:01,588 and talented and humble and a liar. 195 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,090 That's where Hazel comes in. 196 00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:06,259 - Okay. 197 00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:08,595 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, let me hang those up for you. 198 00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:10,263 You've got better things to do, 199 00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,474 you genius. - Okay. Thanks. 200 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:15,894 - Oh, also, I put all the new promos on your computer. 201 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:17,896 And I wasn't sure how you take your coffee, 202 00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:19,522 so mouth or enema? 203 00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:21,232 - What's going on here, Hazel? 204 00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:22,692 - You need help. 205 00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:24,527 I know you're trying to get pregnant 206 00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,488 because I think about it all the time. 207 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:29,991 You on top, your hair whipping around. 208 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,785 But what if you do have a kid 209 00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:33,888 and you have to leave work because your daughter 210 00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:36,039 shot her choir teacher's husband? 211 00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:37,600 I mean, that's the kind of stuff 212 00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:38,833 my mom had to deal with. 213 00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:40,168 - Wow, okay. 214 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,213 Well, I'm just not sure that I'm comfortable... 215 00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:44,905 Did you get me a second mini-fridge? 216 00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:47,634 - No. I got you a mini-freezer, 217 00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,344 full of candy bars so cold 218 00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,554 they'll crack your jaw, you bitch. 219 00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:54,099 I didn't say any... 220 00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:55,684 Look, I wanna help. 221 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,478 You're my hero. Just give me a chance. 222 00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:01,231 Sisters helping sisters. Glass ceiling. 223 00:08:01,523 --> 00:08:02,816 Legitimate rape. 224 00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:04,192 - Okay, Hazel. 225 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:05,684 I'm gonna get my foot surgery. 226 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:06,879 And if you can be my eyes and ears 227 00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:09,322 while I'm stuck on the couch, you've got the job. 228 00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:10,614 - Great. 229 00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:12,117 Now, if it's okay with you, 230 00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:15,495 I am gonna go wash your sweatshirt. 231 00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:18,915 - You got it unstuck from the chair! 232 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,461 - Good evening. 233 00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,673 The New York philharmonic is thrilled to announce 234 00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:28,800 that we've recently received a very generous donation 235 00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:30,332 that will keep us fully endowed 236 00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:31,761 for the next decade. 237 00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:37,559 In honor of that gift, tonight's scheduled program 238 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,769 of Debussy and Rachmaninoff will be replaced 239 00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:42,897 with a selection chosen by our anonymous donor. 240 00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:46,443 So please enjoy a four-hour rendition 241 00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:49,320 of the theme song from sanford and son. 242 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:57,537 ♪ ♪ 243 00:08:57,829 --> 00:09:00,665 - Now who's in charge? 244 00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:09,841 - Here we go. - Hazel, thank you 245 00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:12,260 for taking care of everything. 246 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:15,531 I can't believe you got my health plan 247 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,265 to cover all this. - Oh. 248 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,197 You just need to know what to say to them, 249 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:20,393 like their children's names 250 00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:23,605 and what they wore to school today. 251 00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:28,026 Oh. 252 00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:29,336 Oh, will you send Frank in? 253 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,362 I wanna see what they wrote to fill the fifth act. 254 00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:33,865 - Or. Since I'm here to help, 255 00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:35,742 maybe I could fill the time. 256 00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:38,161 I still know my rhythmic gymnastics routine. 257 00:09:38,453 --> 00:09:39,662 I was good... 258 00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,514 Until I hit puberty and the coaches said 259 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,124 I got too pregnant. - Are you kidding? 260 00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,085 I'm not gonna put you on the show. 261 00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:46,753 Oh. 262 00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:48,463 - Uh, Lemon, a word? - Hey, guy! 263 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:51,424 You can't just walk in here whenever you want. 264 00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:53,218 How can I help you? 265 00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:55,345 - So Lemon has an assistant? Excellent. 266 00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:57,597 Jack Donaghy to see Liz Lemon. 267 00:09:57,889 --> 00:09:58,889 - Mm. 268 00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:00,642 A Mr. Donaghy here for you. 269 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:01,976 - Get off this channel! 270 00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:03,978 This is a military frequency. 271 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,564 - Okay, you can go in. 272 00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:09,609 - So you got your surgery 273 00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:11,152 and the world hasn't ended? 274 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,863 - I think I can do this, Jack, all of it. 275 00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:15,195 I mean, right now, my feet 276 00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:16,866 are kind of like babies. 277 00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:19,536 I have to swaddle them, and they need ointment, 278 00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:22,747 and, like, six times a day Brown stuff comes out of them. 279 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:25,583 You're beautiful babies, yes you are. 280 00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:28,044 - Look, Lemon, I need some advice. 281 00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:31,005 Tracy is actually trying to fight back. 282 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,257 He ruined a wonderful evening at the philharmonic, 283 00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:35,176 paying them to play the same song 284 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:36,970 over and over again for hours. 285 00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:38,739 ♪ I can't remember... ♪ 286 00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:40,043 ♪ I can't remember what it was ♪ 287 00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,684 But the point is, the man is totally irrational. 288 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,216 - You know what? Tracy's right. 289 00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:46,479 You two are a lot alike. - I beg your pardon? 290 00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:48,165 - You're both stubborn, you're rich, 291 00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:49,250 you think you're right all the time. 292 00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:50,918 You wanted to prove that you're not like Tracy? 293 00:10:50,942 --> 00:10:53,111 Let it go. - Or crush him, 294 00:10:53,403 --> 00:10:54,737 and prove you both wrong. 295 00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:57,115 Get two birds with one stone, 296 00:10:57,407 --> 00:10:59,301 like when I used Mick Jagger to lure Roger McGuinn 297 00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:01,077 and David Crosby to my birthday party. 298 00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:03,288 - Listen yourself. You sound exactly like Tracy. 299 00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:05,540 No. 300 00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:09,419 Just the person I wanted to see. 301 00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:13,047 Oh. Hi, Kenneth. 302 00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:16,426 Look, I need to tell you something about Hazel. 303 00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:17,862 - Oh, no, ma'am. I don't think 304 00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:19,512 I should talk to you anymore about her. 305 00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:21,222 You only have bad things to say. 306 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:22,640 Uh, Hazel's my girlfriend. 307 00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:25,351 - Kenneth, this sounds insane, 308 00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:27,395 but I care about you as a friend. 309 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,230 I take in 50 calories a day and 310 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,900 I'm using them all up just trying to help you. 311 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,277 - Then just be happy that I'm happy. 312 00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:35,987 - You're happy because of Hazel? 313 00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,740 What could she possibly give you that I can't? 314 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,926 - Well, I'll tell you what she gives me, Ms. Maroney. 315 00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,452 She listens to me. 316 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:44,287 - Just tell me what it is. 317 00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:46,139 - I tell her what happened during my day 318 00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:49,000 and she actually wants to hear about it. 319 00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:52,086 Can you give me that, Ms. Maroney? 320 00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:55,006 I don't know. 321 00:11:55,298 --> 00:11:57,592 - Ah, Tracy, thank you for coming. 322 00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,093 Please, have a seat. 323 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:02,347 - No, thank you. I prefer to lie down. 324 00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,224 - These are my lawyers. 325 00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:05,808 One is German, one is Japanese. 326 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:09,187 And you don't bring these guys together to play Patty-cake. 327 00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:10,479 This is war. 328 00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:11,688 - Bad news, Jack. 329 00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:12,893 War's my favorite card game. 330 00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:14,859 And I win about half the time. 331 00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:16,861 - Here's the rub, Tracy. 332 00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:18,613 Because you were reckless enough 333 00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:21,157 to name your businessman villain "Jack Donaghy," 334 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:24,077 I can Sue you for libel. 335 00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:25,769 I'm gonna take every penny you have. 336 00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:27,195 - Not the ones I've swallowed. 337 00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:28,414 - We'll see about that. 338 00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:30,208 - Dude, it's not libel. 339 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,752 Everything Jack Donaghy does in the movie, 340 00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:34,244 I've seen you do in real life. 341 00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:35,702 - Really? When have you seen me 342 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:36,923 do something like this? 343 00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:38,675 - You're a menace, aunt Phatso. 344 00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:41,469 But now that I'm on the city council, 345 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:45,390 I'm cancelling your urban youth program. 346 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:47,100 Oh, lord! 347 00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:50,311 - What? You did cancel a program for urban youth. 348 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,106 It was my Saturday morning kid's show, 349 00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:56,192 uncle Tracy's black teletubbies rip-off. 350 00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:57,544 - I cancelled it because, like you, 351 00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:59,862 it was overly sexual and impossible to understand. 352 00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:02,365 - Grabalujah! - Fine! 353 00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:05,285 I've technically cancelled an urban children's program. 354 00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:08,162 But what about this assault on my good name? 355 00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,873 - Not so fast, you crone. 356 00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:14,127 I bought all the wheelchair ramps in this city. 357 00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:17,630 And I'm turning them into more profitable stairs! 358 00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:20,216 - When have I ever verbally accosted 359 00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:22,010 an old woman in a wheelchair? 360 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,761 - Liz Lemon, 20 minutes ago. 361 00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:25,513 - Another technicality. 362 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,515 But the climax of this monstrosity... 363 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,367 That is what she said. 364 00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:32,729 - Is when Jack Donaghy shuts down an orphanage. 365 00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:35,398 And I have never shut down an orphanage. 366 00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,108 - You're right. I put that in 367 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,720 just to have a part in there for a little girl in my movie. 368 00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:41,130 I'm Willow Smith-ing my daughter. 369 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,363 Her album drops next week. 370 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:45,116 Christmas 371 00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:48,369 Blankie. 372 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:50,580 - This is libel, Tracy. I win. 373 00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:53,416 Checkmate. Game, set, match. 374 00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:55,960 Rumbledy-goo... 375 00:13:56,252 --> 00:14:00,089 Which is what you say when you win in Polo. 376 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,346 - Tell me about your day. 377 00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:07,637 I'm listening. 378 00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,098 - Well, Ms. Maroney, 379 00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:13,019 This morning, I was... 380 00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:13,770 - you're doing amazing. 381 00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:17,065 I wish you could see how sexy your listening face is. 382 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:20,777 For Halloween, you should go as a slutty ear. 383 00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,403 What do you wanna do now? 384 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,406 Sing? Yeah, let's. 385 00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:27,200 ♪ I'll be up here ♪ 386 00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:28,785 ♪ and I'll be down here ♪ 387 00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:31,788 ♪ Jenna's blonde as a sunrise ♪ 388 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,414 ♪ hot as the sun ♪ 389 00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:37,418 ♪ Bright as a shining sun ♪ 390 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:38,836 - But with that being said, 391 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,464 how do you know when you both feel the same way? 392 00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:43,174 I mean, sometimes I think... 393 00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:44,801 - ♪ Jenna is listening ♪ 394 00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:49,847 ♪ listening like the sun in the sky ♪ 395 00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:51,599 - Ooh. Uh-oh. 396 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,143 Somebody needs to be changed. 397 00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:56,354 - Need anything else, boss man? 398 00:14:56,646 --> 00:14:58,189 - I guess just bring in the wheelchair 399 00:14:58,481 --> 00:15:00,525 so you can roll me down to the floor for the show. 400 00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,485 - What? No, Liz. 401 00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:04,570 You had surgery this morning. 402 00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:06,406 - Sure, but I have to be there. 403 00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:08,257 - Oh, I would slap you if I didn't think 404 00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,617 it would lead to a kiss. 405 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,452 This is about priorities. 406 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:14,288 What if those feet were real babies? 407 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,958 Would you walk on them to work? 408 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:17,750 What kind of mother are you, 409 00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:19,419 you beautiful monster? 410 00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:21,671 - Hazel, I have missed one show in seven years, 411 00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:23,506 and it did not go well. 412 00:15:23,798 --> 00:15:24,798 - Aah! 413 00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:27,218 Josh, help me! 414 00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:29,345 - You're not gonna miss the show. 415 00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:32,390 You're gonna watch it on the feed, baby girl. 416 00:15:32,682 --> 00:15:34,392 Idiot. 417 00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:36,978 I'll be next to Pete the whole time. 418 00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,563 And if there's an emergency, 419 00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:40,273 your wheelchair's right outside. 420 00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:41,983 - Well, I guess that could work. 421 00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,360 - Let me be your eyes on set. 422 00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:47,363 Although I can never match that amazing color. 423 00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:49,907 - Criss calls it "old-timey football." 424 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,549 - Five minutes to air, five minutes. 425 00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:10,386 - Wow. This is really working. 426 00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:11,888 Hey, is that me? 427 00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:15,224 Okay, no, that can't be... 428 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:21,147 Oh, brother, that's me! 429 00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:28,070 It's an old show? Son of a... 430 00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:29,614 - well, this email is from Liz. 431 00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:30,906 - Duh. 432 00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,783 Now, for my act, I'm gonna need a tarp 433 00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:36,871 because the first three rows will get wet. 434 00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:41,083 Why are my arms so weak? 435 00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:43,711 It's like I did that push-up last year for nothing. 436 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,671 - And two minutes to air. Two minutes! 437 00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:47,840 Aah. 438 00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:50,760 I'm sorry, babies. 439 00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:57,183 ♪ ♪ 440 00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:59,602 Aah! 441 00:16:59,894 --> 00:17:02,146 Ow! 442 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,193 Aah! 443 00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:11,113 Wassername! 444 00:17:11,405 --> 00:17:13,616 - Huh? Oh... Oh, where am I? 445 00:17:13,908 --> 00:17:16,452 Oh, Pete roofied me. 446 00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:18,746 - Seriously, Hornberger? 447 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,358 You were gonna put her on the air? 448 00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:22,500 - You told me to! I have your email. 449 00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:24,627 "P-dog, let's use Hazel in the cold open. 450 00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:25,959 "Don't call me about this. 451 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,421 Catch you on the flippy-floppy." 452 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:28,422 That's you. 453 00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:31,050 - You people killed my foot babies. 454 00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:34,929 My foot babies died because of this show! 455 00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:37,098 You're fired. - You can't fire me. 456 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:38,670 You don't even know my real name. 457 00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:41,435 - Get out! Now! 458 00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:44,772 Ow. 459 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,525 - Did you just fire my girlfriend? 460 00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,110 - She's crazy, Kenneth. 461 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:50,611 - No, she's not. 462 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,780 Ms. Maroney knows the real Hazel. 463 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,448 Tell them what I told you. 464 00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:56,242 - Oh, god, what do I do? 465 00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:57,827 Help me, me. 466 00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,328 This one's on you, bitch. 467 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:05,876 - Were you not listening? 468 00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:07,521 - I think a song right now would... 469 00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:08,588 - that's it! 470 00:18:08,879 --> 00:18:11,674 From now on, my relationship with all of you 471 00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:14,510 is strictly professional. 472 00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:16,512 We are no longer friends. 473 00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:18,180 I am just a co-worker who would do 474 00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:21,058 anything for any of you at any time. 475 00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:22,350 Nothing more! 476 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:25,813 - And we're live in three, two... 477 00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:33,863 - Oh, yeah. They didn't write anything. 478 00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:44,457 - Tracy, this is a surprise. 479 00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:46,626 I thought you'd be at home licking your wounds. 480 00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:49,128 - No, that's why they put that cone on me. 481 00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:52,923 I just wanted to give you this. 482 00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:55,343 - "You are cordially invited to attend the premiere 483 00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,595 "of Tracy Jordan's aunt Phatso's 484 00:18:57,887 --> 00:18:59,347 "Jack Donaghy's we at it again. 485 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:00,999 "A percentage of the film's profits 486 00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:03,601 will go to support the knuckle beach orphanage." 487 00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:04,893 I don't understand. 488 00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:06,421 - Without that money, the orphanage 489 00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,022 is gonna have to close. 490 00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:11,108 - So if I shut down the movie, 491 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,569 I actually will close down an orphanage. 492 00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:15,738 Which means the movie isn't libelous. 493 00:19:16,030 --> 00:19:20,409 Which means I can't shut down the movie. 494 00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:23,788 That's... genius. 495 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,082 You win, Tracy. 496 00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:27,500 You bested Jack Donaghy. 497 00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:29,627 - Now you finally respect me. 498 00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:32,004 And that's all I ever wanted. 499 00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:34,131 - I really can't stop you from portraying me 500 00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:35,716 as the villain in your films. 501 00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:36,592 - What? Come on. 502 00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:39,095 Did you not watch the whole movie, Jackie D? 503 00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:40,888 - Well, it's 47 minutes long. 504 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,641 - In the end, Jack Donaghy is not the villain. 505 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:45,393 - You win, aunt Phatso. 506 00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,770 You bested Jack Donaghy. 507 00:19:48,062 --> 00:19:49,980 - Now you finally respect me. 508 00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:52,274 And that's all I ever wanted... 509 00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:55,319 Except maybe that hot little body of yours. 510 00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:57,091 Great Caesar's ghost! 511 00:19:57,279 --> 00:19:59,907 Aw, baby. 512 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,909 - Hm. Our thing sure is playing out 513 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,120 just like the movie. 514 00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:10,898 - Oh, look, it's Liz! - Good old Liz! 515 00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,837 - Well, my feet are ruined. 516 00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:14,714 The show was an embarrassment. 517 00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:16,340 But I learned something super fun. 518 00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:18,072 I will never be able to have a family 519 00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:20,094 and work at TGS. 520 00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:21,887 It's just not possible. 521 00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:23,180 So what do I do? 522 00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,808 - Don't ask me. Tracy's the genius here. 523 00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:28,894 - Oh, well, tray, I'm scared. 524 00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:30,855 Do I give up on my dream job, 525 00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:32,982 something I've worked my whole life to build? 526 00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:36,527 Or do I give up on my dream of having a family? 527 00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:41,407 - Well, as a wise woman once told me... 528 00:20:41,699 --> 00:20:43,409 Respect these boobies! 529 00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:51,834 - Seriously though, what am I gonna do? 530 00:20:56,380 --> 00:21:04,380 ♪ ♪ 531 00:21:23,032 --> 00:21:24,992 ♪ ♪