1 00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:03,921 - ♪ Married ♪ 2 00:00:04,213 --> 00:00:06,053 ♪ Liz Lemon got married and made up this song ♪ 3 00:00:07,674 --> 00:00:08,884 - You got married? To what? 4 00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:10,176 - To Criss, Frank. 5 00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:13,847 Uh-huh, you are now looking at Ms. Elizabeth Lemon. 6 00:00:14,139 --> 00:00:14,765 I'm keeping my name. 7 00:00:15,057 --> 00:00:16,850 - What h-e-double vibrator 8 00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:18,810 is that thing on your left hand? 9 00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:21,939 - It's my wedding ring. I got married yesterday. 10 00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:24,566 - How could you do this to me? - Flurb? 11 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:28,570 - You just ruined my surprise wedding. 12 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,323 Paul, you can come down now. - Thanks a lot, Liz. 13 00:00:31,615 --> 00:00:33,575 I guess I ate all that asparagus for nothing. 14 00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:36,328 - Reverend gimp, we'll just have to reschedule. 15 00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,789 - Where can I get the "c" train? 16 00:00:39,081 --> 00:00:41,184 - Wow. Well, if you don't want this kind of thing happening, 17 00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:42,793 maybe don't have a surprise wedding. 18 00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:45,254 - A-listers always have surprise weddings now, Liz. 19 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,214 Timberbiel, beyon-z, 20 00:00:47,506 --> 00:00:48,882 Anne hatha-nobody. 21 00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:51,218 And technically, I am an a-lister now 22 00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:54,137 because I was on a list to date Tom Cruise. 23 00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:56,223 But I bailed before I got sucked in too deep, 24 00:00:56,515 --> 00:00:57,516 praise Xenu. 25 00:00:57,808 --> 00:00:59,202 - Well, I'm glad you're happy for me. 26 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:00,546 In case you didn't hear it before, 27 00:01:00,644 --> 00:01:01,644 I got married yesterday. 28 00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:04,690 - Yeah, thank you for inviting me. 29 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,316 - Congratulations, Liz. 30 00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:08,368 It's inspiring to see that a woman in her 30s 31 00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:09,570 can still find true love. 32 00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:12,281 - I'm 42, Cerie. - I don't know what that is. 33 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,658 Just a reminder that your awards luncheon is today. 34 00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:16,159 - What? - You won an award. 35 00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:20,205 - "Congratulations on being named one of the 80 under 80, 36 00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:23,292 honoring women in entertainment who aren't Betty white." 37 00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,711 Oh, my goodness, the ceremony will be broadcast 38 00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:29,965 on lifetime... Oh, .com. \garbagefile? 39 00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:33,385 Okay, but still, I won an award! 40 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:46,189 ♪ ♪ 41 00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:56,700 Okay, big Liz Lemon day, so hold on tight. 42 00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:58,910 I've got a Jenna problem I need to run by you. 43 00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:00,346 - Lemon, I'm sorry. I can't help you. 44 00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:01,723 - Why not? Our dynamic doesn't have 45 00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:03,107 to change just because I'm married. 46 00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:05,751 We can still have our classic girl Friday banter. 47 00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:06,710 "Now you listen here, Jack. 48 00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:07,711 This story's not gonna write itself, see?" 49 00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:10,505 "Oh, stop, you brute. I love you. Operator?" 50 00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,050 - No, the problem is my mother's in town for Christmas. 51 00:02:13,342 --> 00:02:14,760 - Already? It's three weeks away. 52 00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:17,012 - She insists on traveling on Pearl harbor day 53 00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:20,182 to, and I quote, "show the emperor we're not afraid." 54 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:21,701 - Look, I know she gets under your skin, 55 00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,411 but you should appreciate this time with her. 56 00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:24,811 She's 87. 57 00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:26,980 - But that's only 14 in demon years, Lemon. 58 00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:31,026 The woman's constant disapproval of me will keep her alive 59 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:32,318 forever. 60 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,196 - A Blue spruce. 61 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,323 What time do the mariachis arrive? 62 00:02:36,615 --> 00:02:37,908 - But this year I have a plan. 63 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,802 I'm not going to give her anything to disapprove of, 64 00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,137 because as long as she's in New York, 65 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,288 I'm doing absolutely nothing. 66 00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:46,333 I got the idea from watching your President Obama 67 00:02:46,625 --> 00:02:47,625 the last four years. 68 00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:50,629 That's her, fishing. 69 00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:53,048 Notice the ring is shriller. 70 00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:55,258 - Jack Donaghy's office. 71 00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:57,260 No, Mrs. Donaghy. He's not doing anything. 72 00:02:57,552 --> 00:02:58,929 He's with Liz. 73 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:00,406 Well, she's wearing it pulled back, 74 00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:01,807 but it's not working. 75 00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:03,975 Exactly. Because of her ears. 76 00:03:08,647 --> 00:03:10,023 - Merry Christmas, everyone. 77 00:03:13,151 --> 00:03:15,696 - Kenneth, why are you mopping the floor so angrily? 78 00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:17,239 - You know exactly why, sir. 79 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,574 First miss Lemon fired my girlfriend, 80 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:22,202 and now Hazel broke up with me. 81 00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:25,872 Mr. Jordan, do you know why I love television so much? 82 00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:28,875 - Because despite cell phones, iPads, and computers, 83 00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:31,420 it's still the most effective portal for poltergeists? 84 00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,004 - On TV shows, 85 00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:34,756 nothing ever really changes. 86 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:37,467 The people you care about never leave, 87 00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:41,388 and the bad guy always gets what she deserves. 88 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,349 Someone's looking lovely today. 89 00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:45,641 What a burn. 90 00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:47,394 I could have meant someone else. 91 00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:49,146 Although I didn't. 92 00:03:49,438 --> 00:03:50,897 She's radiant. 93 00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:56,611 - Mm. 94 00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,139 Since I'm not getting married today, 95 00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:02,200 I might as well stuff my face. 96 00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,572 - Listen, Jenna, I didn't mean to steal your thunder. 97 00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,037 - My whole life is thunder. 98 00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:07,873 - Sure. But, you know, I just found out 99 00:04:08,165 --> 00:04:10,667 that I won this women in entertainment award... 100 00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:13,039 - first you get married. Now you're winning an award? 101 00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:14,295 These are my things. 102 00:04:14,546 --> 00:04:15,255 Next you'll tell me 103 00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:17,632 Mickey Rourke catapulted you into the Hollywood sign. 104 00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:20,635 - Look, I know you're angry, 105 00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:22,367 but this award is kind of a big deal. 106 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,615 You know, in the past, they've given it to Diane Sawyer 107 00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:26,016 and Elaine may, and did you know 108 00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:28,148 that Chuck scarborough is anatomically a woman? 109 00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:29,895 - So I am a lesbian. 110 00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:30,604 - And I'd really love for you to be there. 111 00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:34,941 Did you know it's been 15 years since we first met? 112 00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:37,110 Salutations, Jenna Maroney. 113 00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:39,279 What brings a mummer to lightsman's row? 114 00:04:39,571 --> 00:04:40,798 - I just wanted to meet the woman 115 00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:43,033 that's been lighting me so awesomely onstage. 116 00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:45,619 Do you have any idea where she is, little boy? 117 00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:48,121 - And I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for you, 118 00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:52,459 so when I accept that award on lifetime. Com\garbagefile, 119 00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,628 I want you onstage with me. 120 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,380 - So there'll be cameras? - Yes. 121 00:04:57,672 --> 00:05:00,008 - Oh, Liz, you had me at "Hayden Panettiere is dead." 122 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,177 Of course I'll be there. 123 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:07,098 - Oh, thank you, Jenna. That really means a lot to me. 124 00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:10,018 - ♪ Secret plan ♪ 125 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:13,271 ♪ revenge on my mind ♪ 126 00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:15,166 - Hey, I'm going downstairs to get a coffee. 127 00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:16,870 You want anything? - Pumpkin spice, please. 128 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:21,071 - Great. - ♪ secret plan ♪ 129 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,662 - Excuse me. I don't mean to bother you, 130 00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:30,914 but I'm a nymphomaniac virgin widow, 131 00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:32,806 and I just completed my year of mourning, 132 00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:35,001 and I've got a hotel room and a latex allergy, 133 00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:36,646 and, well, I was just wondering what you were doing 134 00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,338 for the next 12 to 14 hours. 135 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:39,756 - I'm doing nothing. 136 00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:44,302 Let's go before my mother... 137 00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:45,887 Nice try, mother. 138 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,490 Yes, you sensed I was doing something 139 00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:48,514 you would disapprove of. 140 00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:50,392 Your powers remain strong, old one, 141 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,444 but there's nothing you can say to ruin this. 142 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:55,021 - I see a spot in front of my left eye. 143 00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:57,190 If this turns out to be a stroke, 144 00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:59,442 you're in charge of plucking my chin. 145 00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,319 You better come home, Jackie. 146 00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:03,905 I have a few things I want to say to you 147 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,408 before I meet the grim reaper, 148 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,785 who is black, I assume, 149 00:06:09,077 --> 00:06:11,013 what with the hoodies he wears. - That's quite all right. 150 00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:12,414 I've heard your last words before. 151 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:13,915 For instance, in junior high, 152 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,351 when you faked a heart attack 153 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,575 to keep me from going camping. 154 00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:18,169 - I didn't trust that scoutmaster. 155 00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:20,338 He was always wearing shorts. 156 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,174 - In fact, I think I have your dying speech memorized. 157 00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:24,626 "How could you do this to me? 158 00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,469 "You're such a huge disappointment. 159 00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:29,389 "If only dragnethadn't been preempted because of sputnik, 160 00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:31,121 you never would have been conceived." 161 00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:33,727 - Please, Jackie, just come home! 162 00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:36,146 I'm dizzy, Jack. 163 00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:37,772 - Wonderful sound effects, mother. 164 00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:41,651 Mother? Mother? 165 00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:45,548 - You left crumbs on the floor 166 00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:47,132 so that the mice spelled, "come see me"? 167 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,618 - Yes, Kenneth, I've been thinking about what you said 168 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:52,162 about wishing life could be like TV. 169 00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:55,040 - That would be great, although I'd get rid of those ads 170 00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:57,372 that pop up in the middle of your favorite TV shows. 171 00:06:57,459 --> 00:07:00,420 - Well, why don't you discuss it with special guest star 172 00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:02,547 Florence Henderson? 173 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:05,467 - Mrs. Brady! - Uh-uh. 174 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,136 I told the black guy here, none of that Brady stuff. 175 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:09,638 Now let's get this over with. 176 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:10,931 Which booking is this? 177 00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:12,582 Are you the perverts who want to go 178 00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:16,102 to town on each other while I make a pie? 179 00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:23,151 - Welcome, ladies. Welcome. 180 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,653 I'm Bonnie Badamath. 181 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,113 I'm the chairperson for today's event. 182 00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:29,645 I can't shake hands because I have carpal tunnel syndrome 183 00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:32,577 from zipping up my own dress now that Gary's gone. 184 00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:34,204 - Well, I'm very happy to be here. 185 00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:36,390 - Well, I'm just so glad that you found the place, 186 00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:37,540 what with my directions, 187 00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,960 Because Gary was the navigator. 188 00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:41,251 Thank you. 189 00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:45,674 - This is exciting. 190 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,467 Oh, look, you're in the program. 191 00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,487 - Ah, great, they must have gotten this picture 192 00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:50,595 off the Internet. 193 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,823 Why does the other Liz Lemon always come up first? 194 00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:54,224 - Who cares? They're honoring you. 195 00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:55,534 Now you go find our table. 196 00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:56,893 I'm gonna run to the bathroom. 197 00:07:57,185 --> 00:07:58,705 - Ooh, I have to go too. - Wait for me. 198 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:02,023 - I just went, but I guess I could go again. 199 00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:08,571 - What the what? 200 00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:11,241 Oh, my god, she's gonna do her wedding 201 00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:13,076 just to ruin my thing? 202 00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:16,204 Wow. My best friend. 203 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,915 - Best friend troubles, talking to yourself, I've been there. 204 00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:21,084 - And you know why Jenna's mad at me? 205 00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:22,711 Because I got married. 206 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,203 - You know what my best friend did for my 50th birthday? 207 00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:28,049 She gives everybody a car, and then she's all, 208 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:31,177 "thank you for coming to Gayle's birthday!" 209 00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:34,014 - The crazy thing is I always end up apologizing to her 210 00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:36,545 'cause her feelings are so much more important than mine. 211 00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:37,684 - Oh, I hear you. 212 00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,561 When I got bangs, my best friend 213 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,814 didn't even acknowledge them, so I was gonna grow them out. 214 00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:44,315 Then after reading an article 215 00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:45,233 in my best friend's magazine, 216 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,193 I realized my feelings are valid, 217 00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:49,446 so I had to say to her, "my bangs", 218 00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:50,738 "they're not about you. 219 00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:53,116 It's about me trying to cover my forehead." 220 00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:55,160 - Exactly. Thank you. 221 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:56,786 We're talking about Oprah, right? 222 00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,997 - No, of course not. 223 00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:02,042 She can hear us. 224 00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,672 - Well, this is certainly high drama. 225 00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:10,967 - These are the clothes that I want to be buried in. 226 00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:12,635 And make sure I'm holding this. 227 00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:16,181 Glue this pin to the inside of the coffin lid. 228 00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:18,141 For grave robbers. 229 00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:20,233 - For grave robbers? I remember the first time 230 00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:21,895 you ever threatened me with your death. 231 00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:23,247 - You should be more appreciative. 232 00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:24,773 I went down to a pack a day for you. 233 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,375 One day, you're gonna turn around, 234 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,479 and I'll be dead like that. 235 00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,378 - All right. You can knock it off now, mother. 236 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,529 I'm home. What happened to your eye? 237 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:35,283 Did you really fall? - I was watching TV, 238 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:39,496 and they started interviewing an Asian Santa claus, 239 00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:42,123 and my arm went numb. - And you called me? 240 00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,209 Mother, call an ambulance. 241 00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:46,628 - My father did not kill dozens of Germans 242 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,173 so that his daughter could die in a Van. 243 00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:52,258 - But he wasn't even in the war. 244 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:53,590 - Go about your day, Jack. 245 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:57,138 Just leave the door open and let the elements take me. 246 00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,056 - You're going to the hospital, 247 00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:00,076 and I don't care how I have to get you there. 248 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,560 - Well, I'm not going in an ambulance. 249 00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:05,939 I'll take a horse-drawn carriage. 250 00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:07,951 - Those carriages are rolling torture wagons 251 00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:10,318 for nature's most dignified creature. 252 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,612 The horse is one of only three appropriate subjects 253 00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:15,907 for a painting, along with ships with sails 254 00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:19,577 and men holding up swords while staring off into the distance. 255 00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:21,454 - Sure, let's argue about horses now. 256 00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:23,373 Bring down my things. 257 00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:27,127 I'm going out of this world exactly the way I came into it, 258 00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:29,546 wearing a hat. 259 00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:35,969 - There you are, k through 12. 260 00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:37,541 - Are you the same guy as before? 261 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,637 Or does that sun-bleached turd have a twin brother? 262 00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:40,974 - Same guy, ma'am. 263 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,810 - Oh. - Uh-oh. 264 00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:45,687 Looks like we're stuck in a elevator. 265 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,564 I guess we'll have to remember stuff 266 00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:50,400 and learn from each other, just like on TV. 267 00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,318 - Wait, you did this on purpose? 268 00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:53,796 - Are you sure you know what you're doing? 269 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,822 - Apex technical school puts students first. 270 00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:58,241 And the perfect time to enroll is now. 271 00:10:58,533 --> 00:11:00,869 - Wait, we're stuck? Get us down. 272 00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,912 I don't have my flask. 273 00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:05,123 - I'm freaking out. This was a bad idea. 274 00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:06,875 - Is this alcohol-based? 275 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:10,670 - Why are you doing this to me, Jacob? 276 00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:15,633 - So our next honoree Liz Lemon is the head writer 277 00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:17,635 of TGS with Tracy Jordan, 278 00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:20,471 and I am told she got married yesterday, 279 00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:21,923 just like Gary and that bitch 280 00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:25,435 who was selling us our dream house. 281 00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:28,062 So let's take a look at Liz's work. 282 00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:32,984 Hang on. This is being weird. 283 00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:35,171 - Blow on the disk. - Is it on the right component? 284 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:37,155 - Try unplugging it and plugging it back in. 285 00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:40,825 - Just open the disk part and blow on it. 286 00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:43,828 - Looking for this? 287 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:47,707 - You ruined my wedding. It's payback time. 288 00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:49,399 - Jenna, what I did was an accident, 289 00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:51,336 but you're trying to sabotage me 290 00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,338 just because I'm getting an award? 291 00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:54,648 - You know you don't deserve it. 292 00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:55,712 Without me, you'd still be 293 00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:57,242 behind that light board in Chicago, 294 00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:59,302 turning bags of sour patch kids inside out 295 00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:01,512 to lick them clean. - I got my money's worth. 296 00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,181 And without me you'd still be doing 297 00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:05,350 local commercials for store-brand douches. 298 00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:07,842 - Well, joke's on you, because that wasn't a commercial. 299 00:12:08,019 --> 00:12:09,562 I don't know what that was. 300 00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,790 - I swear to god, you are the most selfish human being 301 00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:13,274 on the planet. - Thank you. 302 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,235 Visit my website for extras and ringtones. 303 00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:17,820 - Only because I've let you be. It stops tonight. 304 00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:19,952 - You can't stop me from getting on that Stage. 305 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,282 - Are you sure? 306 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:24,077 'Cause guess what this lighting board nerd did? 307 00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:26,329 - So what can I do for a fellow lightsmith? 308 00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:31,209 - I want you to come up 20% on 16, 32, and 70. 309 00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:32,941 - No, but that would... - Just do it! 310 00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:37,131 Well, this Stage is now lit for grocery store milk aisle. 311 00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:38,883 I can't get up there. 312 00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:40,218 I'll look... - Horrible. 313 00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:41,886 Yeah. Oh, no. 314 00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:46,140 Did I ruin your wedding again? 315 00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:50,061 - Also you need to tell your aunt Mary, 316 00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:52,563 when she was two, there was an accident 317 00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:53,982 with a hot comb. 318 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,942 Well, she used to be a boy. 319 00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:57,235 - Stop talking, mother. 320 00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:59,195 Save your strength for yelling at doctors. 321 00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:01,847 - There's a couple of other things I want you to know, Jack. 322 00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:05,785 And I don't want you to interrupt me until I'm done. 323 00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:08,162 All I want is for you to be happy. 324 00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,665 - Happy? - Yes. 325 00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,376 - Since when did you ever care about happiness? 326 00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:15,503 - Don't talk to me like that, Jack. 327 00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,339 I breast-fed you for nine years! 328 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,800 - Those are terrible last words. 329 00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:23,177 The closest you ever get to happiness 330 00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:24,909 is when you're criticizing something, 331 00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:27,098 preferably something I've done. 332 00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:28,683 - Jack, stop talking. 333 00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:32,395 I am not going to be around forever. 334 00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:34,647 - Oh, here it comes. - One of these days, 335 00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:36,733 you're gonna turn around, Jack, 336 00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:39,986 and I'm gonna be gone... Just like that. 337 00:13:40,278 --> 00:13:41,672 - When this little performance is over, 338 00:13:41,696 --> 00:13:44,991 I may put you in a home just like that. 339 00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:50,788 Mother... 340 00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:56,919 Mother? 341 00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:58,296 - I can't get it to work, 342 00:13:58,588 --> 00:13:59,881 and there's still 78 women to go, 343 00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,508 so whatever, Liz Lemon. 344 00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:22,278 - No, you don't ruin my thing. 345 00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:23,821 I ruin your thing. 346 00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:25,993 - You are not the center of the universe, Jenna. 347 00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,575 - I am too. I'm the moon. 348 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,661 - Ladies, please, today we're celebrating women... 349 00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:31,953 - can it, Bonnie. 350 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,640 I can't believe you're doing this to me. 351 00:14:33,748 --> 00:14:36,334 And Paul. He's been in that steamer trunk for hours. 352 00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:40,838 - It's all right. The lack of oxygen is making me orgasm. 353 00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,008 - Why can't you ever be happy for me, ever? 354 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,636 I got married, and you don't care. 355 00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:47,929 - Why should she? 356 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,782 We shouldn't be defining ourselves by our men. 357 00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:51,116 - Oh, so in order to be independent, 358 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:52,975 we have to be asexual? 359 00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:54,268 - You would know, Judy. 360 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,854 - God, I miss Gary so much! 361 00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:59,190 I put his sweater on a body pillow! 362 00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:04,987 I took it for a canoe ride! 363 00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:07,782 - Lightsmith, help me out. Fire up the Lekos 364 00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:09,909 and the Klieg. 365 00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:16,916 - Don't look at me. 366 00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:20,294 Don't look at me. Don't look at me! 367 00:15:22,797 --> 00:15:23,797 - Jack, I got your text, 368 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,526 but I think there was some autocorrect problems. 369 00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:26,801 Colleen had a fart attack? 370 00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,261 - She died, Liz. 371 00:15:28,553 --> 00:15:29,846 - Oh, my god. 372 00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:33,433 - She had a heart attack and died on the way here. 373 00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:36,727 - Oh, Jack, I am so sorry. 374 00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:38,604 - Before she died, Colleen told me 375 00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:40,898 she just wants me to be happy. - Really? 376 00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:42,550 'Cause that doesn't sound like her, 377 00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:44,735 but I guess people do say strange things at the end. 378 00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:46,839 You know, my grandmother said, "Liz, stop playing 379 00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:48,143 with the flesh around my elbow." 380 00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:49,519 - "I just want you to be happy." 381 00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:51,492 You know who you say that to? A loser. 382 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,664 Someone who can't hope for anything more in life 383 00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:55,913 than just being happy. 384 00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:58,916 You say that to someone who has disappointed you. 385 00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,502 - Jack. - No. It's perfect. 386 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,421 She's a genius. 387 00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,965 One last twist of the knife. 388 00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:09,093 Well, thank you for coming, Lemon, but I better get going. 389 00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:10,553 The funeral is tomorrow. 390 00:16:10,845 --> 00:16:11,471 Colleen wanted to be buried 391 00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:13,282 before the rest of the family found out 392 00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:15,975 and sold her body to a haunted house. 393 00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:18,507 And, of course, I get to eulogize Colleen at the service. 394 00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:20,771 One more chance to disappoint her 395 00:16:21,063 --> 00:16:23,608 as she looks up at me from her throne... 396 00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:27,069 In hell. 397 00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,658 Jenna... 398 00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:35,411 - Jenna. I mean, Liz. 399 00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:37,890 - Look, life's too short to be fighting with your best friend. 400 00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:40,958 - I know. Can I be real with you, Liz? 401 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,461 All these years I've always been able to look at you 402 00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:45,379 and feel better about myself. 403 00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:46,839 - Sure. - Don't interrupt. 404 00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:49,401 The pill that lets me feel emotion is gonna wear off soon. 405 00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:50,843 Watching you struggle at work, 406 00:16:51,135 --> 00:16:53,846 dating losers, wearing boys' husky jeans... 407 00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:55,515 - they have reinforced crutches. 408 00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:56,516 - Now you're winning awards, 409 00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:58,035 you're not aging the way I wanted you to, 410 00:16:58,059 --> 00:17:00,645 and you're married to a guy that I think about during sex. 411 00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:01,938 - Aww-ugh. 412 00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:03,940 - Everything feels a little upside-down, 413 00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:05,566 but I am happy for you. 414 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,498 - And I'm sorry you weren't at my wedding. 415 00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:08,694 - But it made me realize 416 00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:10,906 that this whole surprise wedding thing is stupid. 417 00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:12,323 When I get married, I want 418 00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:13,935 everyone I care about to be there. 419 00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:15,076 - Wow, Jenna, 420 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,095 I feel like you and I haven't talked like this... 421 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:20,373 - pill wearing off. You have mom arms. 422 00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:28,172 - Kenneth, it's Hazel. 423 00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:29,840 She's back. I recast her. 424 00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:31,384 She tested through the roof... 425 00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:32,927 At the std clinic. 426 00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:34,512 - Mr. Jordan, stop. 427 00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:37,598 I don't want my life to be like TV anymore. 428 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,017 Because no one learns anything in elevators, 429 00:17:40,309 --> 00:17:42,478 and we almost killed Florence Henderson. 430 00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,730 - Yes. Almost. 431 00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:46,899 - I don't want my life to be like TV, 432 00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:50,236 because my life is way better. 433 00:17:50,528 --> 00:17:51,654 Where else but real life 434 00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:53,656 would a millionaire movie star 435 00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:55,992 care so much about a hillbilly janitor 436 00:17:56,284 --> 00:17:57,994 that he would spend two days 437 00:17:58,286 --> 00:17:59,328 trying to cheer him up? 438 00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:01,122 You can't do that on television. 439 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,624 Because, if you did, no one would watch. 440 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,167 Thank you, Mr. Jordan. 441 00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:08,129 Thank you for my wonderful life. 442 00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:13,551 - I sure picked the right week to come back. 443 00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:15,843 - You weren't supposed to have any lines, Kwon Lee. 444 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,763 Now I have to pay you. 445 00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:22,602 - Friends, last night when I sat down 446 00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:26,105 to write a speech worthy of my mother's 87 years, 447 00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:28,858 I thought I was facing an impossible task 448 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:32,903 until I realized that her constant crushing disapproval 449 00:18:33,195 --> 00:18:35,615 was a gift. 450 00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:38,784 The greatest gift a mother ever gave a son. 451 00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:41,621 My lifelong quest to please that woman 452 00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:44,123 is what made me the man I am today, 453 00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:48,127 the man who has been the centerfold of fortune magazine 454 00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:51,714 no fewer than three times, the man who in 1984 455 00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:55,593 wore a tuxedo so well he broke up the go-go's, 456 00:18:55,885 --> 00:19:00,806 the man who last night wrote and today will deliver 457 00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:03,392 the greatest eulogy of all time. 458 00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:05,478 Dublin, 1852, 459 00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,313 a ship Bobs in the Lee tide 460 00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,482 of the icy Irish sea. 461 00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:12,318 Her name... Ariel. 462 00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:22,995 Today, we are all Irish. 463 00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:25,331 - And the plumber says, "I don't know. 464 00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:27,875 But that's a pretty big pizza." 465 00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:32,004 - Life is for the living! 466 00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:35,383 - But there's a truth in the center of that. 467 00:19:38,636 --> 00:19:41,514 ♪ ♪ 468 00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:44,642 Thank you, Kermit, for explaining the afterlife to us. 469 00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:46,078 - Ah, listen, Jack, thank you 470 00:19:46,102 --> 00:19:48,437 for being the man we all aspire to be. 471 00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:49,438 - Ladies and gentlemen, 472 00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,490 sir Paul McCartney and the Harlem boys choir. 473 00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:53,651 - Yaaay! 474 00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:57,029 - And, though the falling snow would erase her footprints, 475 00:19:57,321 --> 00:20:01,450 it could never erase our memory of her. 476 00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:03,577 I love you, mother. 477 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,746 End of eulogy. 478 00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:10,793 - Oh, wonderful, Jack! Wonderful! 479 00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:19,760 - Jenna, no, don't do this. 480 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,804 - Jenna, yes, do this. 481 00:20:22,096 --> 00:20:23,736 All the people that I care about are here. 482 00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:28,018 It's perfect. 483 00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:31,494 - We are so glad that you could come, Liz. 484 00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:33,566 I hope traffic wasn't too bad getting here. 485 00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:38,779 - Surprise. I'm getting married. 486 00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:41,282 - Mother would have hated this. 487 00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:46,537 - Yaaay! 488 00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:49,665 - And I promise not to make fun of you 489 00:20:49,957 --> 00:20:51,184 when you ask where your glasses are 490 00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:52,251 and they are on your head. 491 00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:53,919 - I do do that. 492 00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:56,380 - And I promise to always pour antibiotics 493 00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:57,673 all over your penis 494 00:20:57,965 --> 00:20:59,467 before you staple it to anything. 495 00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:01,927 - Oh. - And now Paul will read 496 00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:04,472 the vows he has written for Jenna. 497 00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,804 - Jenna, I didn't know what I was missing in my life 498 00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:08,100 until I met you. 499 00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:09,810 I love you more than words can say, 500 00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:15,024 and I am so honored to be taking your first and last name. 501 00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:17,359 - Ladies and gentlemen, 502 00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:21,864 presenting Mrs. and Mr. Jenna maroneys.