1 00:00:03,921 --> 00:00:05,297 - I know I'm jumping the gun a bit, 2 00:00:05,589 --> 00:00:09,718 but I had this made for the baby at hermes. 3 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,554 So she can ride the maid! 4 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:13,972 - It is adorable. 5 00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:16,850 Uh, but are we still in love with the name "Charlotte"? 6 00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:19,269 - I think so. Why do you ask? 7 00:00:19,561 --> 00:00:22,439 Charlotte? 8 00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:24,732 - Are you serious? 9 00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:26,742 - Lemon went to middle school with a Charlotte 10 00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:29,446 who used to rub herself against a tree during recess. 11 00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:31,341 I want to know why you would tell Lemon 12 00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:32,616 something so personal. 13 00:00:32,908 --> 00:00:35,189 - I know that my relationship with Lemon may seem strange, 14 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:36,578 but I am her mentor. 15 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:40,207 And the Donaghy mentoring experience is immersive. 16 00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:41,708 - There need to be boundaries. 17 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,544 That woman is your employee. 18 00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:45,462 - No, she's more than that. 19 00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:47,839 I don't choose my mentees lightly. 20 00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:49,691 They have to have the drive and ambition 21 00:00:49,925 --> 00:00:51,051 to be worth my time, 22 00:00:51,343 --> 00:00:52,636 the intelligence to understand 23 00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:54,368 the challenges they're going to face, 24 00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:55,889 the humility to accept my help, 25 00:00:56,181 --> 00:00:57,391 and finally, 26 00:00:57,683 --> 00:01:00,185 a life that is a bottomless swamp of chaos. 27 00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:04,147 Drive, intelligence, humility, chaos... 28 00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:05,607 Or the acronym "DIHC." 29 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,609 I'm looking for DIHC, Avery. 30 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:09,695 And I'm gonna take it wherever I can find it. 31 00:01:09,987 --> 00:01:12,072 - It's been four years, Jack. 32 00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:13,907 Maybe it's time for Liz to graduate. 33 00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:16,952 Maybe it's time for you to carry this baby. 34 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:20,163 Maybe you and Liz can raise it. 35 00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:21,498 Oh, no. 36 00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:25,002 Crazy hormone swing. 37 00:01:25,294 --> 00:01:28,213 Why does everything smell like onions? 38 00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:34,177 - Lemon. Boundaries. 39 00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:38,223 Got it. 40 00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:49,059 ♪ ♪ 41 00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:59,995 - In here, you can see one of NBC's editing bays. 42 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,205 - Tracy Jordan, the star of TGS 43 00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:04,333 and numerous films, has died. 44 00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:07,169 - No! No, it can't be! 45 00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:10,047 I'm not done with him, Jacob! 46 00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:12,758 He stays on this side! 47 00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,152 - Kenneth, Tracy's not dead. 48 00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:16,178 NBC news makes obituaries for celebrities 49 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:17,470 to have them ready. 50 00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:18,305 They're just updating Tracy's 51 00:02:18,597 --> 00:02:20,077 to include his recent submarine D.U.I. 52 00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:22,726 - Oh, thank goodness. 53 00:02:23,018 --> 00:02:26,355 Say, do you think I could get a copy of that 54 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:27,647 to show Mr. Jordan? 55 00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:30,108 That way, he can see his own funeral, 56 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:31,568 just like Tom Sawyer! 57 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,220 Well, Tom was a fellow from my town 58 00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,280 we accidentally buried alive. 59 00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:37,616 Funny story, after we dug him back up, 60 00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:39,076 he tried to kill all of us. 61 00:02:42,371 --> 00:02:43,955 - Hello? - Hey, Liz. 62 00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:45,916 It's your father. Dick Lemon. 63 00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:48,251 - Dad, you don't have to say your name every time. 64 00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:50,504 - Telephone etiquette is important, Liz. 65 00:02:50,796 --> 00:02:53,382 It lets people know your race even when they can't see you. 66 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,717 Anyway, got a busy week? 67 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,636 - Not really, I was gonna take this class 68 00:02:57,928 --> 00:02:58,928 called "cooking for one," 69 00:02:59,054 --> 00:03:00,347 but the teacher killed himself. 70 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:01,658 - Well, what about a visit? 71 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,183 - Really? That would be great. 72 00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:05,195 With you and mom here, the doormen will have 73 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:08,063 to eat their words about me never having friends over. 74 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,155 - Well, it'll just be me this time, Elizabeth. 75 00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:11,399 Your mother isn't coming. 76 00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:13,121 - What? You and mom always travel together. 77 00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:14,678 - Well, she's not coming this time. 78 00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,988 I just want to have a little fun by myself. 79 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,480 Can't a guy have a little fun? 80 00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:20,951 - What is wrong with you? - What's wrong with you? 81 00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:22,494 Your mother's home. 82 00:03:22,786 --> 00:03:25,622 This conversation never happened. 83 00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:29,918 What? What? 84 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,003 - I am a jedi! 85 00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:35,340 - Tracy Jordan, star of the fat bitch movies, 86 00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:38,051 was also voted "worst representation of a black man" 87 00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:39,343 nine years in a row. 88 00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:42,514 Perhaps best known for his fcc fines... 89 00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:45,142 And thank god I didn't anybody, 90 00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:46,977 and thank god I my. 91 00:03:47,269 --> 00:03:48,687 - And giving the queen Parvo. 92 00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:50,397 - This is terrible! 93 00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:52,983 When I'm dead, that's what I leave behind? 94 00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:55,068 That's how my grandkids will remember me 95 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:56,754 as they fly around in their jetpacks? 96 00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:59,573 - Well, it's not fair out of context. 97 00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,700 Her highness was sending signals. 98 00:04:01,992 --> 00:04:04,494 - It doesn't matter. That's how the world sees me... 99 00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:07,038 As some idiot millionaire. 100 00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:08,457 - Who, Mark Cuban? 101 00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,542 That guy ran me over with a jet ski. 102 00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,587 - What is he so upset about? 103 00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:14,921 - It's my fault. 104 00:04:15,213 --> 00:04:17,007 I let Mr. Jordan see his obituary. 105 00:04:17,299 --> 00:04:18,508 - He's dying? 106 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,719 Fine, I'll sing at his funeral. 107 00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:22,179 - No, ma'am. 108 00:04:22,471 --> 00:04:25,056 NBC news makes celebrity obituaries ahead of time. 109 00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:26,892 Typical liberal media. 110 00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,644 - They do? Well, then I need to see mine. 111 00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:32,355 If they used any of the footage from my shoplifting arrest, 112 00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:36,568 that would be great because my arms looked fantastic. 113 00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:40,423 - Hey, can I talk to you for a sec? 114 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,157 My dad just called, and... 115 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,909 - Lemon, uh, I'm sorry. 116 00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:45,561 If this is about a personal matter, 117 00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:46,660 we can't discuss it. 118 00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,538 - What? Why? - It's Avery. 119 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:50,373 She's going to be my wife someday, 120 00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:53,001 and understandably, the nature of our relationship 121 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,586 is a little confusing to her. 122 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:56,505 - Oh, she feels threatened. 123 00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,507 It must be my "sesuality," 124 00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:01,218 because I am so very "sesual." 125 00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:02,761 You like that? 126 00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:05,680 And maybe Avery is a little emotional these days. 127 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:08,141 She's put on considerable boob weight. 128 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,894 She's not used to that, and sometimes she 129 00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:12,186 just falls over. 130 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,438 It's stressful. 131 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,982 But she might have a point about us. 132 00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:18,394 Maybe it isn't appropriate for you to still come to me 133 00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:19,629 with every little problem in your life. 134 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:22,239 - Oh. Okay. 135 00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:24,825 Great. Fine. 136 00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:26,910 I'll solve my own problems. 137 00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:35,502 Blammo. Solved it. 138 00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:38,129 - What do you mean, I don't have an obituary? 139 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:39,631 I'm Jenna Maroney. 140 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,258 I played arts and literature 141 00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:43,190 in the film adaptation of trivial pursuit. 142 00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:44,661 - I know who you are, miss Maroney, 143 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,388 but you're not on the list. 144 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,015 They only make obits for people they think are, 145 00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:50,307 you know, important. 146 00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:52,102 - Like who? 147 00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:54,271 Kim Jong-Il? 148 00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:56,231 I never heard of her. 149 00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:58,817 I should be on here. 150 00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:00,610 - You wanted to see me, sir? 151 00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:02,445 - Jonathan, I may be in the market 152 00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,739 for a new young person to mentor. 153 00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:06,283 - Oh, my god. 154 00:06:06,575 --> 00:06:08,743 Sir, I have dreamed of this moment... 155 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:12,414 - but my fear is that you don't have enough ambition. 156 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:16,251 The drive to deserve my mentorship. 157 00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:18,103 - No, sir, there is nothing in the world 158 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:19,291 that I wouldn't do for you. 159 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:21,464 - My attorney is waiting in his office. 160 00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:24,968 He will present you with a contract to be my mentee 161 00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,511 if you bring him... 162 00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:28,929 My pinky. 163 00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:30,432 - No, sir. 164 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,350 Then you wouldn't be perfect anymore. 165 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,352 I won't do it. - Exactly. 166 00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:36,771 I knew that you wouldn't. 167 00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:38,064 - No, no, watch! 168 00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:40,567 I'll cut off my pinky and tell him it's yours. 169 00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:43,361 - Jonathan. 170 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:46,990 Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love 171 00:06:47,282 --> 00:06:49,618 and eat them in order to stay alive. 172 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:53,371 Haven't you ever read my throw pillow? 173 00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:03,089 - Dad. - Hi, sweetheart! 174 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:04,381 Mwah! 175 00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:06,009 - Where are your glasses? 176 00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:07,381 And what's with that shirt? 177 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:08,637 - I don't need my glasses, 178 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,847 and this is an Edward Hardy shirt. 179 00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:14,267 A very hip latino-sounding blur at mervyn's 180 00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:15,810 said I looked good in it. 181 00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:17,896 - Dad, what are you doing? 182 00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:19,188 You're traveling alone, 183 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,983 you show up here looking like you've been on spring break 184 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,275 for 300 years, 185 00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:26,488 and earlier, mom called and told me to give you a hug 186 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,198 before your colonoscopy. 187 00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:29,908 Uh-oh. 188 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,744 - Dad, look at me. What is going on? 189 00:07:33,036 --> 00:07:34,955 - Honey, there's no easy way to say it. 190 00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:36,474 Your mother and I are taking a little break. 191 00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:38,541 - A break? After 45 years? 192 00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:41,211 - Honey, it's complicated. We're having problems. 193 00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,588 - Really, does mom know you're having problems? 194 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,232 'Cause she thinks you're at the doctor. 195 00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:47,550 - Your mother and I don't laugh like we used to. 196 00:07:47,842 --> 00:07:49,552 I don't know what happened. 197 00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:52,514 Where has my best friend gone? 198 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:55,767 - Ugh! What are you talking about? 199 00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:59,062 You're just pretending like there's some big problem 200 00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:02,357 so you can come up here and, what, try to pick up women? 201 00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:04,985 You think they won't notice that you're 80 202 00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:06,587 because you took your glasses off? 203 00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:09,531 - I will not be spoken to this way, young lady. 204 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,383 - You know what, you're not staying here 205 00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,076 during your little time-out. 206 00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:16,454 Your "gentleman's intermission." 207 00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:18,415 Go to a hotel. 208 00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:20,542 Or better yet, go home to mom. 209 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:23,086 - Fine. I don't need you. 210 00:08:23,378 --> 00:08:25,630 I'm meeting up with my old army buddy Gary. 211 00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:27,162 Tonight, we're doing a push-up, 212 00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:30,051 and tomorrow, we're going to a bar called "swingles." 213 00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:33,066 Gary's wife just died a couple of days ago, 214 00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:34,824 and he hasn't returned the hospital bed yet, 215 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,099 so I can sleep there! 216 00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:37,726 Now, where's the door? 217 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:40,812 - I'm not telling! 218 00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:45,400 Cold. 219 00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:46,860 Colder. It's... 220 00:08:48,653 --> 00:08:49,946 Ha ha! 221 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:01,457 - Hello? 222 00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:12,135 - Hey, girl! 223 00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:13,470 - What do you want, Liz? 224 00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:15,242 - Look, I know I shouldn't be calling, 225 00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:16,472 but my dad is in town, 226 00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:18,975 taking a break from being married. 227 00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:20,547 It's a gentleman's intermission. 228 00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,021 - And you want to talk about this with your boss? 229 00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:24,582 - Well, when you put it like that... 230 00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:26,107 With the mean voice and all... 231 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,485 good night, Liz. 232 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,995 - What's wrong, tray? 233 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,122 Why are you sitting in your sadness spotlight? 234 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:44,250 - I seen my NBC news obituary, Jackie D. 235 00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:45,585 I look like a fool in it. 236 00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:47,437 - Well, certainly you can't be surprised 237 00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:49,440 that there's a lot of negative stuff about you out there. 238 00:09:49,464 --> 00:09:50,608 Don't you ever Google yourself? 239 00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:52,175 - Sure, I Google myself all the time. 240 00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:53,787 Like when Angie's not in the mood, 241 00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:56,513 or I'm alone in the hotel. 242 00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:59,182 - Uh, Tracy, you do know that googling yourself 243 00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:01,184 means looking yourself up on the Internet. 244 00:10:01,476 --> 00:10:02,476 - I did not know that. 245 00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:05,980 That explains why Liz Lemon was so cool the other day. 246 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,608 Liz Lemon, you mind if I Google myself in your office? 247 00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:10,500 - Sure, Tracy. - Can I use your computer? 248 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,612 - How else are you gonna do it? 249 00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:16,032 - Tracy, you are someone with a lot of problems, 250 00:10:16,324 --> 00:10:18,284 who needs constant guidance. 251 00:10:18,576 --> 00:10:19,887 - And don't forget, I never listen. 252 00:10:19,911 --> 00:10:22,664 - If you're open to it, I'm very good at giving advice. 253 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,666 For example, with your obit problem. 254 00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:27,710 Now, you've spent years creating a certain public image. 255 00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:29,546 But you can change that. 256 00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:31,398 You just have to do what prince hal did. 257 00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:32,549 - Who's prince hal? 258 00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:34,050 - From Henry iv. 259 00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:36,594 You played him in central park last summer. 260 00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:39,097 - I don't know any of my lines! 261 00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:42,058 - Everyone thought prince hal was a drunken wastrel. 262 00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:43,518 But when he became King, 263 00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:46,187 he transformed himself into a wise and just ruler. 264 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:47,647 He changed the headline. 265 00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:49,357 That's what you have to do, Tracy. 266 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:50,358 - You know something, Jackie D.? 267 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:54,112 That thing I said earlier about prince hal got me thinking. 268 00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:57,157 I have to change my headline. 269 00:10:57,448 --> 00:10:59,117 - Yes, that's what I just said. 270 00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:00,410 Now, if I can help you... 271 00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:02,996 - no, no, no, Jackie D. 272 00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:05,456 I don't need your help. I'm Tracy Jordan. 273 00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:10,086 When I go to sleep, nothing happens in the world. 274 00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:14,465 - He failed the test of humility. 275 00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:16,718 I cannot be his mentor. 276 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,345 - Well, I'd love for you to be my mentor, sir. 277 00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:22,432 But unfortunately, I already have one. 278 00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:24,726 - Stop calling me! 279 00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:30,648 - Okay, what would Jack tell me to do? 280 00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:32,609 First, he would probably explain 281 00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:34,903 that evolution makes men promiscuous, 282 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:37,197 even when they're 80, like my pathetic dad. 283 00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:38,907 - Is your dad pathetic, 284 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:42,577 or is he maybe, on some level, admirable? 285 00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:44,430 Maybe his sons would respect him more as a man. 286 00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:46,206 Maybe they'd stop calling him a "bald wang" 287 00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:47,207 in front of the babysitter. 288 00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:50,501 - I mean, can you imagine dick Lemon at a singles bar? 289 00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:52,670 It makes me want to barf. 290 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,798 - Ugh, those old men that hit on you at clubs are so lame. 291 00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:58,551 - Lame? Or... or is it heroic? 292 00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:00,595 - Why can't they see how idiotic they look? 293 00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,597 - With guys like that, I always just say, 294 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,641 "who's younger... Me or your daughter?" 295 00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:08,561 That usually creeps them out enough that they leave. 296 00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:09,933 - That wouldn't work on me. 297 00:12:10,021 --> 00:12:11,731 - Jack. 298 00:12:12,023 --> 00:12:13,775 Why does Tracy have a news obit and I don't? 299 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,067 - Huh. 300 00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:16,486 I never thought of you 301 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,214 for the Donaghy mentoring experience, 302 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,907 but you are an unceasing onslaught of dysfunction. 303 00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:23,493 - Dr. Drew called me "unfixable." 304 00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:25,662 - Let's think this through. 305 00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:27,794 You don't have an obit because you haven't done 306 00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:28,872 as much as Tracy has. 307 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:29,749 His movies gross millions, 308 00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:31,668 his comedy albums go platinum, 309 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,040 and he owns the world's only giraffe basketball team, 310 00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:35,463 the New York necks. 311 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,882 So your problem... - My problem? 312 00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:39,717 NBC news has the problem. 313 00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:41,289 - No, I don't think that's right. 314 00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:42,821 - And you know what I'm going to do? 315 00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:44,180 I'm gonna make my own obituary, 316 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,224 and show them how wrong they are. 317 00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:48,236 - Then I'm afraid you're on your own, Jenna. 318 00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:50,687 You have failed the test of intelligence. 319 00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:53,856 - Oh, really? Well, so are you! 320 00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:03,032 - Hello, Lemon. - Hey, Jack. 321 00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:04,826 How's business things? 322 00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:08,538 - I made several overseas phone calls today. 323 00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:10,039 - Well, I'm doing great. 324 00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:13,626 Like the song, I am taking on my business. 325 00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:15,837 - Uh, no, it's, uh... 326 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,798 Right. Forget it. 327 00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:27,515 Shoulders back, Lemon. 328 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:32,729 You're not welcoming people to castle Frankenstein. 329 00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:39,277 - I can't read any of this, Gary, can you? 330 00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:43,281 Uh, give us this third thing. 331 00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:49,494 Uh... 332 00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:52,623 Hello, miss. My name is Ricky. 333 00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:54,000 - I'm... 334 00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:55,644 Dorothy Michaels. 335 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:58,379 And you don't look stupid in that shirt at all. 336 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,089 What do you gentlemen do? 337 00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:01,382 - We work for the FBI. 338 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:04,969 Mm-hmm, female body inspectors. 339 00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:09,223 Tell me, was your father a donkey herder? 340 00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:12,101 Because that ass is... - No, no! 341 00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:14,979 My father worked at Philadelphia power and light. 342 00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:18,858 It's me, your daughter. Elizabeth Lemon. 343 00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:20,902 - Elizabeth, what are you doing? 344 00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,529 - Ugh, this woman's trying to hit on her own father! 345 00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:25,073 No, no! 346 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,805 Good people of swingles, hear me out. 347 00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:29,994 My married, 80-year-old father 348 00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:32,372 is taking a gentleman's intermission. 349 00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:33,932 - That's a great name for what I'm doing. 350 00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:35,666 - Just what are you trying to accomplish 351 00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:38,378 with this stunt, young lady? 352 00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:40,880 - I am trying to show you how disgusting you are. 353 00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:42,452 - No, you're the disgusting one. 354 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:44,675 - Yeah, that was a terrible plan. 355 00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:47,553 - Come on, Gary. Let's go hit that bar 356 00:14:47,845 --> 00:14:51,391 with the cool rainbow flags. 357 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:57,373 - A two-time cable ace award nominee, 358 00:14:57,397 --> 00:15:00,817 and three-time Tony... Shaloub sex partner, 359 00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:05,571 Jenna Maroney is perhaps best remembered for being beautiful. 360 00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:09,575 Jenna Maroney, dead at 32. 361 00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:13,746 ♪ Jenna, you ripped through our lives ♪ 362 00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:17,583 ♪ like the passing of the wind ♪ 363 00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:19,752 - Read back what we have so far. 364 00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:22,547 - "Ideas to change Mr. Jordan's headline." 365 00:15:22,839 --> 00:15:25,049 Then you said, "read back what we have so far." 366 00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,093 - Why is this so hard? 367 00:15:27,385 --> 00:15:30,179 All I want to do is turn into a worldwide hero overnight. 368 00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:31,573 - Coming up in our next half hour, 369 00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:32,757 we're gonna meet a heroic cat 370 00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:35,935 who saved its owner's life by dialing 911. 371 00:15:36,227 --> 00:15:37,728 What an amazing story. 372 00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:39,313 - That cat's a hero. 373 00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:42,358 If I save it, I'm a double hero. 374 00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:43,818 Ken, I need your help. 375 00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,629 - Well, I actually have an important church... 376 00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:47,363 - denied! 377 00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:48,281 - Hey, what's going on? 378 00:15:48,573 --> 00:15:49,633 I got a message you wanted to see me? 379 00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:52,285 - Yes, I know you're interviewing John boehner later. 380 00:15:52,577 --> 00:15:54,871 You should know that he has very tiny hands, so... 381 00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:56,963 - let him hold a miniature golf scoring pencil 382 00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:59,208 to make them look normal, obviously. 383 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,127 But why are you... 384 00:16:01,419 --> 00:16:03,379 Oh, my god. Are you trying to mentor me? 385 00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:06,299 - All right, calm down. - I am squared away, Donaghy. 386 00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:07,967 I get four hours of sleep a night, 387 00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,259 eat 1,200 calories a day, 388 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:10,970 and my closet has been on the cover 389 00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:12,763 of organized living twice. 390 00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:15,016 - Damn it, I knew you'd fail the test of chaos. 391 00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:16,017 - Is it really that difficult 392 00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:18,060 to find someone new to mentor? 393 00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:19,020 - It's impossible. 394 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,497 I would never say this to her face, 395 00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:21,814 but Lemon is above average. 396 00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:23,946 She's got just the right amount of DIHC for me. 397 00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:25,818 I hear it, and I don't care. 398 00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:28,470 I've cast a wide net, but even the junior executives here... 399 00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:30,948 There's something wrong with this generation. 400 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,551 - Hey, are you Jack? Sorry I'm late. 401 00:16:32,575 --> 00:16:33,575 B.T. Dubbs, 402 00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:35,971 I gotta leave for my ironic kickball league in about ten. 403 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,122 Also, I'm not interested in this position 404 00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:39,600 unless I'm gonna be constantly praised. 405 00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:41,000 And I won't cut my hair. 406 00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,131 - It's go time, Ken. Are you ready? 407 00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:49,300 - I've got my hammer, I've got my mask. 408 00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,232 You just stop me before I get to that cat. 409 00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:53,012 - I'll be right behind you. 410 00:16:53,304 --> 00:16:55,014 - And finally, the weekend box office crown 411 00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:57,475 belonged to the indie darling hard to watch. 412 00:16:57,767 --> 00:16:59,369 Critics have been praising the gritty drama, 413 00:16:59,393 --> 00:17:01,437 and the performance of its star Tracy Jordan. 414 00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:03,231 Now, not to editorialize, 415 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,399 but if Jordan doesn't win the Oscar, 416 00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:07,318 that would be the stupidest thing 417 00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:09,070 since the following segue... 418 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:10,362 Speaking of cats... 419 00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:11,571 - An Oscar. 420 00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:12,823 If I won an Oscar, 421 00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:14,435 everyone would have to respect me. 422 00:17:14,492 --> 00:17:16,994 My obituary will read "Oscar winner" 423 00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:19,163 instead of "children's soccer heckler." 424 00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:22,416 It would change my headline. 425 00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:28,005 I feel like I'm forgetting something. 426 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:32,385 I left Tracy Jr. In Atlantic city! 427 00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:36,639 - Die, hero cat! I hate you! 428 00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:42,270 I said I'm gonna kill that cat! 429 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,480 - Killing cats is wrong! 430 00:17:44,772 --> 00:17:47,275 Unless it's to make a hat! 431 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,443 - My skull! 432 00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,238 - Jenna Maroney just saved the hero cat! 433 00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:55,116 - That makes me a double hero! 434 00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:57,952 Try to deny me my obit now, you jags! 435 00:17:58,244 --> 00:18:00,413 And tell people in lieu of flowers, 436 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:02,873 they can pour jewels into my open coffin. 437 00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:07,628 - I'm very injured. 438 00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:15,595 - You wanted to see me? 439 00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:17,221 - No, Lemon. - I did. 440 00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:18,806 Albino ninja! 441 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,978 - Look, I never should have interfered with, um, 442 00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:22,435 whatever this is. 443 00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:23,936 - Work husband-slash-uncle. 444 00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:25,330 - Coworker-slash-little brother. 445 00:18:25,354 --> 00:18:27,940 - Right, well, she's not ready to move on. 446 00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:29,232 - It's true. 447 00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:31,944 I'm wearing a Duane Reade bag as underwear today. 448 00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:33,779 - All right. And for whatever reason, 449 00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:36,115 he needs you too. 450 00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:37,950 - It's a symbiotic relationship. 451 00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:39,952 I'm a mighty great white shark, Lemon, 452 00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:41,370 and you are a remora, 453 00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:43,539 clinging to me with your suction cup head. 454 00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:46,125 I give you a free ride, and in exchange, 455 00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:48,169 you, uh, eat my parasites. 456 00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,296 - I'm gonna leave you two alone. 457 00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:52,548 I already briefed him on your problem. 458 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,426 - The gentleman's intermission, yes. 459 00:18:55,718 --> 00:18:57,112 Uh, Lemon, does your father have a cell phone? 460 00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,305 - Yes. Jack is back. 461 00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:02,308 If anyone can talk sense into my dad, it's you. 462 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,186 - Oh, no, I'm not gonna talk sense into anybody. 463 00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:06,854 Your father's being irrational. 464 00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,649 And irrational behavior doesn't respond to rationality. 465 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:11,859 It responds to fear. 466 00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:15,988 - Hello? 467 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:17,466 Yeah, is this dick Lemon? 468 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,610 - This is he. Who's calling? 469 00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:20,743 - I'm tricia's boyfriend, you scumbag. 470 00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:22,721 She told me what happened with youse last night. 471 00:19:22,745 --> 00:19:23,972 Now I'm gonna come and find you, 472 00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,307 and I'm gonna kick your ass so hard, 473 00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:26,891 you're gonna be throwing up my toenails. 474 00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:28,676 - No, no, no, no, no. There's been a mistake. 475 00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:30,920 I did not do anything with anyone last night. 476 00:19:31,212 --> 00:19:32,212 Certainly not a tricia. 477 00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:33,460 - Oh, now you're telling me 478 00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:34,947 my tricia's not good enough for you? 479 00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:36,550 She's an angel! 480 00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:38,403 I'll tell you what, I'm getting my brothers, 481 00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:40,267 and we're coming over there, and we're gonna... 482 00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:48,896 - Dick Lemon speaking. 483 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,940 - How dare you hang up on me. 484 00:19:51,232 --> 00:19:54,026 I'm a corrupt cop! My brother's a corrupt fireman. 485 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:55,986 He's gonna set you on fire, 486 00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:57,598 and I am not gonna investigate it. 487 00:19:57,655 --> 00:19:58,695 - That won't be necessary. 488 00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:00,908 I'm leaving for Philadelphia today. 489 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,327 - Dick, listen, tricia told me you're married. 490 00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:04,763 I know men are meant to be promiscuous 491 00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:05,787 because of evolution, 492 00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:08,207 but you made a commitment to a woman you love. 493 00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:10,418 - I do. I do love her. 494 00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:11,728 - Yeah, that's right. You're a lucky man. 495 00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:12,952 "A," because you have a family 496 00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:14,922 and "b," because I have not curb-stomped you 497 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,233 in front of your grandchildren. 498 00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:18,718 - Actually, I don't have grandchildren. 499 00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:20,153 - Why not? Tricia told me you have 500 00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,363 a 40-year-old daughter. What's wrong with her? 501 00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:22,638 - Okay, mm-mm. - I gotta go. 502 00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:24,330 I'm taking tricia to laser zeppelin. 503 00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:26,559 You take care now. Go necks! 504 00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,898 - Can I show you a weird thing on my leg? 505 00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:35,526 - Yeah. 506 00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:37,653 That's gotta be removed. 507 00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:40,990 Claire? 508 00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:42,533 Claire? 509 00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:44,535 Joanne? Okay. 510 00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:46,454 Well, I look forward to visiting her 511 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:48,581 and her wife... On their farm. 512 00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:49,373 Jacqueline? 513 00:20:49,665 --> 00:20:50,791 Like, named after you? 514 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,960 Like a little Jack, but with boobs? 515 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:56,630 Hi, I'm Daphne Donaghy. I saw a turtle! 516 00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:58,048 Kylie. Great. 517 00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:00,220 She can strip her way through community college. 518 00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,385 Come on. 519 00:21:01,677 --> 00:21:03,679 Oh, I don't know about Christina. 520 00:21:03,971 --> 00:21:05,598 'Cause then everyone calls her Tina. 521 00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:08,726 And every Tina I've known is a real judgmental bitch.