1 00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:08,091 - Happy new year. 2 00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:09,943 Congratulations on getting married, sir. 3 00:00:09,968 --> 00:00:11,970 I know I didn't deserve to be invited, 4 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,097 so I thought I would give you your gift now. 5 00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:16,600 - Not if it's a song. 6 00:00:16,892 --> 00:00:19,102 - It's not. It's... 7 00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:21,813 This belt. 8 00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:23,607 - Oh. 9 00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:25,692 Well, the nuptials were perfect. 10 00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,861 We rented a villa on St. Esclavage. 11 00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:30,473 For my second wedding, I just wanted a five-minute ceremony 12 00:00:30,656 --> 00:00:31,907 surrounded by one giant party, 13 00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:34,284 so the service was performed 14 00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:37,496 by an exiled French admiral/defrocked minister. 15 00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:44,127 - Well, I'm glad it went smoothly. 16 00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:45,963 ♪ You and I... ♪ - uh, the only hiccup 17 00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:48,048 was that my best man, 18 00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,060 deep sea explorer and raconteur Bob Ballard, 19 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:52,302 took ill after eating some bad toucan. 20 00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:56,223 So, uh, Lemon filled in as my best man. 21 00:00:58,141 --> 00:01:00,769 - This is from St. Esclavage. 22 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,855 It's my marriage certificate. 23 00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:05,983 Oh, good god. 24 00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:20,747 ♪ ♪ 25 00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:31,216 - Liz Lemon, I want it to be noted 26 00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:32,968 that I'm here on time. 27 00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:35,804 This is a new year and a fresh start for me. 28 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,931 Now I got to go. 29 00:01:38,223 --> 00:01:39,641 - Where are you going? 30 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,933 - I'm hosting the international pornography awards. 31 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:43,895 And I have to go get an insurance physical 32 00:01:44,187 --> 00:01:45,606 so I can fly into the arena 33 00:01:45,897 --> 00:01:48,567 in a penis-shaped parachute. 34 00:01:58,076 --> 00:02:01,038 - Hey, what is going on with Jenna's dressing room? 35 00:02:01,330 --> 00:02:02,890 - Jack rented it out to an I.T. Company. 36 00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,750 The Kabletown board is meeting this week 37 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:07,294 to approve buying NBC, and he's doing everything possible 38 00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:09,129 to make us seem profitable. 39 00:02:09,421 --> 00:02:12,591 He turned the green room into an NBC experience store. 40 00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:14,068 And we have to schedule our rehearsals 41 00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:15,092 around the bat mitzvahs 42 00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:16,887 Jack has booked in the studio. 43 00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:19,222 - When Madison was born, I said, "Rivka, 44 00:02:19,514 --> 00:02:21,642 my schveltz is filled with schpoinkis." 45 00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:24,019 - Okay, well, I'm gonna talk to Jack about this. 46 00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,351 I'm sure he's still in a good mood from the wedding. 47 00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:28,161 - Oh, yeah, how was that? - Total chaos... 48 00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:29,231 No rehearsal, 49 00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:30,317 no program, 50 00:02:30,609 --> 00:02:32,089 the bride wore a black cocktail dress. 51 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,487 The airline lost my luggage, 52 00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:35,739 and the only place to buy anything on the island 53 00:02:36,031 --> 00:02:37,111 was at the tennis pro shop. 54 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,493 Luckily, I had the essentials in my carry-on... 55 00:02:39,785 --> 00:02:41,161 Toiletries, closed-toe shoes, 56 00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:43,389 and the state department- recommended mosquito head nets. 57 00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:44,873 - I sense more complaining in you. 58 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,165 - Terrible flower girl. 59 00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:47,560 At four years old, you should know 60 00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:48,811 how to pace your petal distribution. 61 00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:52,214 Hannah, petal, step, petal, step. 62 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:53,882 Come on! 63 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,134 And don't even get me started on the monkeys. 64 00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:58,553 - You! It needs to see Mr. Donaghy. 65 00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,263 It needs to see him right away. 66 00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:02,808 - Get us all our stuff back. 67 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:08,438 - Hey. - Elizabeth, shut the door. 68 00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:12,109 Lemon, during my wedding ceremony, 69 00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:14,611 do you remember being asked a question by the minister? 70 00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,905 - Yeah. It was something like... 71 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:20,265 - And in spite of not understanding, 72 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:23,078 you responded, "oui." 73 00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:25,610 - Well, one of my new year's resolutions is to say yes... 74 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,499 Yes to love, yes to life, 75 00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:29,543 yes to staying in more. 76 00:03:29,835 --> 00:03:33,505 - Do you remember signing this document afterwards? 77 00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:35,215 - Yeah. The minister told me to... 78 00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:37,926 On the epouse line. 79 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,928 Witness. 80 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,222 - Not witness. 81 00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:45,350 No, Lemon... 82 00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:46,268 Wife. 83 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,478 - Mother... 84 00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,692 - vous partagez? C'est tres europeen. 85 00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:56,361 Est-ce que je peux vous joindre dans votre partage? 86 00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:57,154 - Oui. 87 00:03:57,446 --> 00:03:59,489 They married us by mistake? 88 00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:01,450 - It is a clerical error 89 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,286 that will be rectified immediately. 90 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,472 - See, this is exactly the kind of thing that happens 91 00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,165 when there is no order, no planning. 92 00:04:08,457 --> 00:04:11,168 Hitler and Martha Stewart would have hated that wedding. 93 00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:12,812 - Of course, it's everyone else's fault 94 00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:14,156 that the minister thought the lady 95 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,356 in the white dress and the veil was the bride. 96 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,007 - It was a men's tennis shirt 97 00:04:17,299 --> 00:04:18,609 and a government-sanctioned head net. 98 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:20,010 - You kept holding on to my arm. 99 00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:22,179 - It's hard to balance on sand. 100 00:04:22,471 --> 00:04:24,014 - Who wears shoes on a beach? 101 00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:26,308 - Only rocky and Apollo creed 102 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,143 during the training montage. 103 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,145 Who cares? You're fixing it. 104 00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:32,272 I'm sorry you got caught up in another one 105 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:33,023 of Liz Lemon's adventures. 106 00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:35,192 - My adventures... I am the protagonist. 107 00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:38,862 Avery is in China right now covering an economic conference. 108 00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:40,322 She is not a spy. 109 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,454 I want this taken care of before she gets back. 110 00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:43,992 Divorce papers are being drawn up. 111 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,911 Try to sign on the right line. 112 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:48,538 - Whatever you say, dear. 113 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:50,248 - Do not. Do not. 114 00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,209 - Don't forget, honey, 115 00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:55,712 we have bridge with the cunninghams tonight. 116 00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:58,089 - Tracy, you are going to die... 117 00:04:58,381 --> 00:04:59,758 - What? No! 118 00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:01,343 - When I tell you who I'm dating. 119 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:02,636 Squeaky fromme. 120 00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:05,347 She is difficult. 121 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:05,972 Anyhoo, 122 00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:07,974 I have the results of your physical. 123 00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:10,811 Tracy, you are going to die. 124 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,102 - What? No! 125 00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:13,939 - You have no reflexes. 126 00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:15,774 Your blood tastes like root beer. 127 00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:18,276 And some of your bones appear to have vanished. 128 00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:20,248 Now, I've only ever seen this kind of thing 129 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,080 on dead people during operation desert storm. 130 00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:23,907 I actually wrote a report on it, 131 00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:26,701 but my commander refused to pass it on up to Saddam. 132 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,495 Kooky times. 133 00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:30,997 - But I can't die, Dr. Space-man. 134 00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:32,609 Who will be there to raise my kids 135 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,418 if I'm not around to pay someone to raise my kids? 136 00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:37,420 - Look, making even minor changes 137 00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:39,256 to your unhealthy lifestyle would help, 138 00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:40,674 like diet and exercise. 139 00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:42,926 - Well, we tried. 140 00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:45,136 - Oh, look, I'm sorry, Tracy. 141 00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:46,555 But on the Bright side, 142 00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,616 at least your family's financially set for life. 143 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,475 Now, this could literally kill you. 144 00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:52,310 Lollipop? 145 00:05:57,482 --> 00:06:00,235 Thank you for taking in miss Maroney, Mr. Baker. 146 00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:03,613 We would have asked you sooner, but we forgot you worked here. 147 00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:05,323 - Thank you for doing this, Danny. 148 00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,450 It's gonna be fun. 149 00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:09,119 Yeah. 150 00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:11,079 It's like... It's like we're married. 151 00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:13,808 Now, don't you two start bickering 152 00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:14,832 like old married folks. 153 00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:24,426 - Are you okay? 154 00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,469 - It's just I got a haircut, 155 00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:27,846 and you didn't even notice. 156 00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:28,680 - Sorry. 157 00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:30,515 You get your hair cut every week. 158 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,267 - Excuse me? 159 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:33,559 I don't like your tone. 160 00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:35,604 - And I don't like what you've turned into. 161 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,040 - I'm not the one who forgot our one-minute anniversary. 162 00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:39,691 - Finally, as the merger progresses, 163 00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:42,152 you'll notice some changes to your benefits, 164 00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:44,863 including new health care options. 165 00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:49,075 I'm sorry. That should read "few health care options." 166 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:52,412 I've got to redo this. 167 00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:53,784 - You have to talk to Jack. 168 00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:55,540 I can't lose my dental. 169 00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:58,144 There's a hygienist there whose boob sometimes touches my ear. 170 00:06:58,168 --> 00:07:00,328 - Yeah, go upstairs and tell your boyfriend to help us. 171 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,130 - Jack is not my boyfriend. 172 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:04,299 He is, Dot-Dot-Dot, 173 00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:05,884 my husband. 174 00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:08,862 - On your wedding night, did he take you 175 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:09,596 in the French fashion? 176 00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:11,806 - No, there was a mix-up in St. Esclavage, 177 00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,642 and Jack and I are technically married. 178 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:14,974 Oh, my god. 179 00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,705 - Did you hear what I asked you before? 180 00:07:16,978 --> 00:07:17,687 - Liz, you should know 181 00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:19,814 that NBC has strict antinepotism guidelines. 182 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,608 If your husband is your boss, 183 00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,380 then you're both going to have to come 184 00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:24,903 to my office and discuss this. 185 00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:26,696 - What? No. It's not real. 186 00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:28,841 We're getting a divorce. - That's what Ann Curry 187 00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:30,450 and Subhas the janitor tried to tell me. 188 00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,869 That was five years ago. 189 00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:34,621 - No, it's a mistake. 190 00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:38,124 We are signing something tomorrow. 191 00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:40,710 - Wait, Liz, we can use this. 192 00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:42,754 Jack needs a divorce. You have leverage. 193 00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:44,206 - What are you talking about? 194 00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:45,782 - You don't sign any divorce papers 195 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,385 until we get the studio back, our full budget, 196 00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:49,987 our health insurance... - Pete, I'm not... 197 00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,451 - they shut down your secret bathroom 198 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,961 to save on cleaning costs. - I have to talk to my husband. 199 00:07:57,602 --> 00:07:59,479 - No, no, Bob, we made it very clear. 200 00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:02,190 You have to buy NBC with everything else. 201 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:05,193 Then just don't watch it. 202 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,778 What is it, Lemon? 203 00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:09,114 I'm trying to negotiate a $30 billion deal. 204 00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:10,907 That's billion with a "b." 205 00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:12,199 Is that right? 206 00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:14,035 That seems like way too much. 207 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:15,888 - Yeah, well, my staff and I are also trying 208 00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,247 to do our jobs, but we can't 209 00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:19,165 without studio space or health insurance 210 00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:21,376 or those vegetable chips that I hate 211 00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,145 and I keep telling Kenneth not to get. 212 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,522 - Let me show you something, Lemon. 213 00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:27,924 This is our NBC priority pie chart. 214 00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,777 The big red part you can see is the biggest loser. 215 00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:32,053 The yellow slice, our number-two priority, 216 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:35,265 make it 1997 again through science or magic, 217 00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:37,076 and the little green part is everything else. 218 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:39,019 Request denied. 219 00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:41,938 - No. Request denial denied. 220 00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:44,149 You have to make TGS a priority. 221 00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:47,694 - Your show netted $600 last year. 222 00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:50,488 Your parents had to buy an ad. - I don't care. 223 00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:52,949 If I don't get what I deserve, 224 00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:56,870 I'm not signing those divorce papers. 225 00:08:57,162 --> 00:09:01,082 - Are you blackmailing me? 226 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:02,625 You should think very carefully 227 00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,878 about what you're doing right now. 228 00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:06,421 - I am... 229 00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:07,713 Lots. 230 00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:09,049 - Very well. 231 00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:11,009 We'll do this divorce the hard way. 232 00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:12,302 But I'm warning you. 233 00:09:12,594 --> 00:09:13,928 This isn't my first rodeo, Lemon. 234 00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,139 - Well, I've been to a rodeo too. 235 00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:19,809 It was a cat rodeo in a gay guy's apartment. 236 00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:36,367 - Hey! 237 00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:38,739 What happened to my poster of the Montreal alouettes? 238 00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:40,155 It's signed by Marc Trestman. 239 00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:41,539 - Oh, it's tacky, Danny, 240 00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,125 just like your mother's stupid chain emails. 241 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,211 - Oh, here we go. 242 00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:48,421 - Oh, my nails are wet! 243 00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:52,634 - Mr. Hornberger... 244 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:54,594 Do you and your wife ever fight? 245 00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:56,304 - Not all the time. 246 00:09:56,596 --> 00:10:00,141 After her hysterectomy, she was in a coma briefly. 247 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,893 - How do y'all make up? 248 00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:05,939 Ah. 249 00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:08,817 Look, Paula and I love each other, 250 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:12,362 but two people living together, it's unnatural. 251 00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:13,863 And while our children 252 00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:16,783 are basically snot silos with BB guns, 253 00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:19,494 they do come in handy as a buffer. 254 00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:21,026 - Is that like being a fluffer? 255 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,832 Because I have done that and did not enjoy it. 256 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,835 Blow-drying animals at a pet salon is hard work. 257 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:31,214 - No, a buffer is a protective barrier. 258 00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:34,217 - Like pigs have around their delicious testicle meat. 259 00:10:34,509 --> 00:10:36,386 - We can't fight around the kids. 260 00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:38,531 You see them looking up at you with their little faces, 261 00:10:38,555 --> 00:10:40,056 their hair already receding, 262 00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:42,308 and you bite your tongue. 263 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,687 - A buffer. 264 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,273 What is it? 265 00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:50,626 - Thanks, Jack, for coming to this emergency meeting. 266 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:51,850 I'm sorry I'm four hours late, 267 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,265 but my alarm clock didn't go off 268 00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:55,947 because it died in a cockfight last night. 269 00:10:56,239 --> 00:10:57,991 - Tracy, what can I do for you? 270 00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:00,952 - Well, it's come to my attention that I'm going to die. 271 00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:03,413 - Oh, please, you have nothing to worry about. 272 00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:05,748 We have Martin Lawrence on a holding deal. 273 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,877 - Look, I don't want anything to happen to my husband. 274 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,796 But if it did, we have a lot of expenses. 275 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:13,506 - Estate planning is complicated, 276 00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:15,278 what, with the government taking half. 277 00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:16,466 - What? 278 00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:18,678 That's double taxation. 279 00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:20,597 - I like you, Angie. 280 00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:21,598 How can I help? 281 00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:24,142 - Well, to maintain our standard of living, 282 00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:27,020 I need to be able to earn as much as Tracy does. 283 00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:28,414 - And if you need to make millions of dollars 284 00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:30,523 but have no real skills or education, 285 00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:33,526 the best place to do it is in entertainment. 286 00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:36,070 I mean, look at me. 287 00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:40,158 I can't even find Mexico on a map. 288 00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,303 - Things are a little tight at the company right now, 289 00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:44,608 but if you want to learn about the entertainment business, 290 00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:46,247 I can find you something. 291 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:49,000 - Oh, yeah, I'm willing to start at the bottom. 292 00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:50,612 There's only one thing I won't do, 293 00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:54,589 and that's take orders from anyone, ever. 294 00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:58,426 - Hey, Angie, what are you doing? 295 00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,511 - I'm sorry. I'm not about to cancel 296 00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:03,032 my hair appointment with D'Fwan because I'm your new intern. 297 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,656 - You need to light some incense in here. 298 00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:06,809 - Okay, hang on. Who said you're my intern? 299 00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:09,062 - It was Jack's idea. I have to start a career. 300 00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:11,731 But I'm gonna need next week off to go skiing. 301 00:12:12,023 --> 00:12:13,399 What? 302 00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:15,860 - Okay, I see what this is. Jack's messing with me. 303 00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:17,403 We're having a little fight, 304 00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:19,489 so he sent you here... - Excuse me. 305 00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:22,367 How is my being here messing with you? 306 00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,459 Do you have a problem with strong black women? 307 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:25,744 - No! Don't you see? 308 00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:27,432 That's the kind of exchange Jack wants. 309 00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:29,374 Angie, an intern's job 310 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:32,877 is to do things like make copies and run errands. 311 00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,671 - So I'm like your servant? 312 00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:36,023 - No, because you're not being paid. 313 00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:38,216 You're really more like... 314 00:12:38,508 --> 00:12:39,092 Oh, boy. 315 00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:41,219 Look, Angie, you don't want to be an intern. 316 00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:43,263 - Don't tell me what I want. 317 00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:45,824 - And I don't really have time to mentor someone right now, 318 00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:47,308 so I don't think this is a good idea. 319 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:48,935 - I don't understand. 320 00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:51,479 - That white girl just fired you. 321 00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:52,897 - Come on, D'Fwan, 322 00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:54,440 be a buddy. 323 00:13:00,738 --> 00:13:02,323 - Hey. 324 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,909 Idiot, don't touch the... 325 00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,494 Nothing. 326 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,621 Love you. 327 00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:13,251 - Look, I made this picture of us. 328 00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:14,669 - Did you draw that? 329 00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:17,588 You might need help. That's awful for an adult. 330 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,382 - Well, I think it's great, Kenneth. 331 00:13:19,674 --> 00:13:22,343 You should hang it on the wall. 332 00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:26,639 - Careful! 333 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:28,516 - Don't coddle the boy. 334 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,811 He can do it. 335 00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:33,354 All: Aah! 336 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,690 - Oh, my bones! 337 00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:37,900 - Now look what you did. - You made him afraid. 338 00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:39,586 - Oh, did I also make you half a man? 339 00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:41,090 - You're ruining my life! - What life? 340 00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:43,323 - My bones. 341 00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:45,199 - Lemon, why do I have an appointment 342 00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,118 with Jeffrey Weinerslav tomorrow morning? 343 00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:48,730 Every day that I'm married to you, 344 00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:49,995 my life gets worse. 345 00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:51,641 - That Angie thing was real cute, Jack. 346 00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:53,458 And some of your plan worked. 347 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:54,750 Yes, she hated me, 348 00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:56,878 and, yes, I mentioned slavery by mistake. 349 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,546 - I knew I could count on you. 350 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,798 - But you also made me her boss, so I fired her. 351 00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:02,675 She chased me around for a while, 352 00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:05,053 so I hid in a closet down on news, 353 00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:06,780 but then Subhas and Ann Curry came in, 354 00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:07,884 just going to town on ea... 355 00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:10,391 - Damn it! - Is this a game for you two? 356 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,977 I thought you were trying to help my family. 357 00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:14,437 My family! 358 00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,272 I'm not a pawn. 359 00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:17,231 I am a queen. 360 00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:18,733 You all are trash. 361 00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,003 And you know what Angie Jordan does with the trash? 362 00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:23,446 She drags it out to the curb for pickup. 363 00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:24,864 - Angie, I did not mean... 364 00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:27,036 - I will rip your weave out. - It's not a weave! 365 00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:28,719 - Oh, good god, Angie, no. - Ow! She pulled my hair out. 366 00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:30,179 - I should never have made you an intern. 367 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,038 You're a star. - That's right. I am. 368 00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:34,916 - Entertainment is where untalented people go 369 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,293 to get rich, and you have all the makings 370 00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:38,979 of a reality superstar... Hair pullingness, 371 00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,171 delusions of grandeur, 372 00:14:40,463 --> 00:14:41,881 an insanely short fuse, 373 00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:43,925 catchphrases... - It's my way till payday. 374 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,635 - That's the t-shirt. 375 00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:48,513 I should give you your own reality show, 376 00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:50,932 Friday nights... 377 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,224 11:00. 378 00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:56,062 - What? That is when TGS or wrestling is on. 379 00:14:56,354 --> 00:14:57,994 - I guess I could reconsider the time slot 380 00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,816 in exchange for your signature. 381 00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:01,567 - Ugh. You know what? 382 00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,528 I'm calling your bluff. 383 00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:05,100 You're not giving her a TV show. 384 00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,865 - Fyi, I am friends with a hilarious fat girl 385 00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:09,617 and a crazy-eyed, divorced white lady 386 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,345 who wants to be in the music business. 387 00:15:11,369 --> 00:15:12,369 - Oh, I'd watch that. 388 00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:14,038 Can D'Fwan be on it? - Mm-hmm. 389 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:15,665 With his even gayer boyfriend. 390 00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:16,666 - Okay, fine. 391 00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:19,168 Give her her own show, and I will watch it 392 00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,963 on our TV in our house, because I'm not signing anything. 393 00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,799 This is not over. 394 00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:26,819 - You think my meth-addict nephew should be on the show? 395 00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:28,719 - Yes, please! 396 00:15:31,514 --> 00:15:33,433 - Pete, you and Paula fight a lot. 397 00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:34,976 - No, I-I walked into a door. 398 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,268 I'm so clumsy. 399 00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:38,062 - Jack is using TGS 400 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,565 as leverage in our divorce. 401 00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:43,297 He says he's gonna replace us with a reality show about Angie. 402 00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:45,528 - Oh, I'd watch that. - Obviously. 403 00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:47,238 But how do I fight back? 404 00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:48,799 - Well, first off, you can't back down. 405 00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:50,063 If you do that, we get nothing. 406 00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:51,784 I agreed to go to a furniture store 407 00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:53,556 instead of watching football one time, 408 00:15:53,828 --> 00:15:55,108 and I haven't seen a game since. 409 00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:57,498 - Oh, I hear ya. I mean, take Danny... 410 00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:00,001 Please. 411 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,628 - Then you got to hit them where it hurts. 412 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,006 Find their weakness and viciously exploit it. 413 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,298 That's what marriage is. 414 00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:10,011 - Don't even get me started on marriage. 415 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,138 Thank you. 416 00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:17,602 - Kenneth, your Danny has something to tell you. 417 00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:19,645 - What is it, Danny? 418 00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:22,982 - Well, sport, I'm gonna be moving out. 419 00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:25,485 - I don't understand. 420 00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:27,896 - Well, sometimes two people who care about each other 421 00:16:28,029 --> 00:16:29,280 just can't live together. 422 00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:31,073 - Oh, no, I get that. 423 00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:33,868 What I don't get is this is Danny's dressing room. 424 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,480 - I'm gonna be staying at the "y." 425 00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:37,371 It's that dark place under the bleachers 426 00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:38,765 that's shaped like a wishbone. 427 00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:40,875 - But you're my Danny and Jenna. 428 00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:43,586 - And we'll always be Danny and Jenna. 429 00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:45,671 We just won't be Danny and Jenna together. 430 00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:47,256 - And don't think 431 00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:50,635 for one second this means we love you less. 432 00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:53,804 Know that it means that. 433 00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:56,557 - Well, tell the board 434 00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,309 we are currently in talks... 435 00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:00,394 Hold on, please. 436 00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:02,730 Jonathan, I have asked you not to call me at home 437 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,022 after 11:00... 438 00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:07,026 Or before. 439 00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:08,986 She what? 440 00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:12,657 My husband and I 441 00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:16,410 are absolutely so pleased to be underwriting 442 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:20,498 the Jack and Elizabeth Donaghy high school for teen drama, 443 00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:23,167 the arts, and feelings. 444 00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:25,878 - Son of a bitch. - As embarrassed Americans, 445 00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:30,299 Jack and I pledge $5 million 446 00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:31,968 to create a new generation 447 00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,887 of choreographers and puppeteers, 448 00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:37,515 clunes, video artists, 449 00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:39,892 and theatrical jugglers 450 00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:44,021 who will ask the world, "what is art?" 451 00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:46,107 - We know what art is. 452 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:49,110 It's paintings of horses! 453 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:52,697 - Good morning. 454 00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:54,907 How is the happy couple today? 455 00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:57,785 Well, it's no surprise we're sitting here. 456 00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,537 You two have always thrown off 457 00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,622 that "will they or won't they?" Vibe. 458 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:04,041 And it's been a real hoot to watch your courtship. 459 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,252 Okeydokey. 460 00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,254 Now, when two employees get married, 461 00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:10,965 it is my job to make sure that the employee 462 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:14,427 is not receiving favoritism from his or her boss. 463 00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:17,096 - Favoritism? Really? He's trying to cancel my show. 464 00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:19,157 - Uh-huh, and what about your little announcement last night? 465 00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:20,221 Do you know how many fires 466 00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:22,476 I had to put out this morning because of you? 467 00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:24,186 And what was that voice? 468 00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:26,564 - It is my imitation of Drew Barrymore's impression 469 00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:27,856 of that crazy lady. 470 00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:29,167 - Let's keep this meeting short. 471 00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:32,778 Our marriage is a technicality, and it will be remedied. 472 00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:34,339 - Also, in order for there to be favoritism, 473 00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:36,699 we'd have to actually still be friends. 474 00:18:36,991 --> 00:18:39,660 - All righty. Let's just dive on in. 475 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,830 Does the employee spend an inordinate amount of time 476 00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:46,208 in the employer's office compared to other employees? 477 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:47,500 - Well, yes, I suppose, 478 00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:49,270 but only because miss Lemon is incapable 479 00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:51,172 of doing anything on her own. 480 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,150 - Oh, please, half the time when I go up there, 481 00:18:53,174 --> 00:18:55,801 it's to help you choose a tie, and they're all red or Blue. 482 00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:56,761 - Where I come from, 483 00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:58,763 if you have more than two colors on a tie, 484 00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:01,432 it means you're looking for a certain kind of bar. 485 00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:04,268 - Are all workday conversations business-related, 486 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,938 or do personal issues often dominate discussion, 487 00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:11,984 including but not limited to, mothers, diarrhea, 488 00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:13,944 having babies, 489 00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:16,197 problems in the bedroom, neckties, 490 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,032 food issues, 491 00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:19,324 foot disorders, 492 00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,827 having it all... - Okay. 493 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,205 Yes. In the past, we have advised each other. 494 00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:27,541 - For instance, Jack taught me not to wear tan slacks 495 00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:28,833 with a tan turtleneck. 496 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,979 I thought it looked nice, but he rightly pointed out 497 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,880 that it made me look like a giant condom. 498 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,132 - And Lemon is the only one 499 00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:37,224 of my subordinates who's not afraid to warn me 500 00:19:37,301 --> 00:19:40,096 when I'm being too authoritative or handsome. 501 00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,598 - Or when you have eye boogers. 502 00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:44,810 - Have you spent time with each other's families? 503 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,894 Have you attended special events together, 504 00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,105 such as class reunions, 505 00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:51,524 birthday or holiday celebrations, 506 00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:53,150 weddings, 507 00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:54,985 or extended car trips? 508 00:19:55,277 --> 00:19:57,571 Are you each other's emergency contacts? 509 00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:59,782 Do you ever drink together at work, 510 00:20:00,074 --> 00:20:01,992 perhaps while summarizing what you've learned 511 00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:03,911 over the day or week? 512 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,830 Have you shared intimate details 513 00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:07,832 of your fears, hopes, and dreams, 514 00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:10,334 both personal and professional? 515 00:20:10,626 --> 00:20:14,797 Is this the longest and perhaps most meaningful relationship 516 00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:16,173 in your life? 517 00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:19,093 Do you often find yourselves thinking the same thing 518 00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:21,929 and then saying it at the exact same time? 519 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,306 - I apologize, Lemon. - I'm sorry, Jack. 520 00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,118 I never should have tried to blackmail you. 521 00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:26,851 I'll sign the papers. 522 00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:28,787 - And I shouldn't have threatened your show. 523 00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:30,455 I'll leave that to the parental decency groups. 524 00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:31,981 And I'll back off on the budget 525 00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:33,691 and the bat mitzvahs. 526 00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:35,693 - Okay. 527 00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:38,487 Now we're gonna do word association. 528 00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:39,822 Foreplay... 529 00:20:40,114 --> 00:20:41,907 - We're done, Weinerslav. 530 00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:45,035 Uh, try to walk like a woman, Lemon. 531 00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:47,830 - Your fly's open, Jack. 532 00:20:51,542 --> 00:20:53,836 - I'm Angie. I think elegance and attitude 533 00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:56,380 are the same thing, and I have I.B.S. 534 00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:58,466 Oh! 535 00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:00,478 - I'm D'Fwan, and I just want to be accepted 536 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,511 for who I am... a sexual maniac. 537 00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:04,972 - Hey, I'm Portia. I don't care what anyone says. 538 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,266 I keep them 3-D glasses. 539 00:21:07,558 --> 00:21:10,019 - I'm Randi with an "I." 540 00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:14,565 My ex-husband's new girlfriend is cheating on him with me. 541 00:21:14,857 --> 00:21:15,941 - Do you have any meth? 542 00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:17,526 Or meth? 543 00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:20,946 - It's my way till payday.