1
00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:07,007
- It doesn't matter how long
you've lived in New York,
2
00:00:07,299 --> 00:00:08,675
it's still fun to look up
3
00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:11,845
and pretend all the buildings
are giant severed robot penises
4
00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:13,597
- be quiet, Lemon.
5
00:00:13,889 --> 00:00:15,057
It's happening.
6
00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:20,479
♪ ♪
7
00:00:20,771 --> 00:00:21,355
- Wow...
8
00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,899
Out with G.E., in
with Kabletown.
9
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:26,944
It seems like one of us should
sing the circle game right now.
10
00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:28,612
- 30 years at G.E...
11
00:00:28,904 --> 00:00:31,490
Now it's on to phase two.
12
00:00:31,782 --> 00:00:34,451
I'm like keats' "stout Cortez,"
13
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,120
staring at the pacific
with a wild surmise
14
00:00:37,412 --> 00:00:39,248
and daring to imagine what...
15
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:43,043
New planets might
swim into my Ken.
16
00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:45,379
- So will we be getting
new employee I.D.S?
17
00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:47,311
'Cause I'd really like
to retake my photo.
18
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:48,173
- Good god, what happened?
19
00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:50,133
- I was holding in a "snart,"
20
00:00:50,425 --> 00:00:53,303
and then right when
she took the photo...
21
00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:54,822
Don't you want to
know what a "snart" is?
22
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:56,098
I can tell you now. It's 10:00.
23
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,308
10:00 in the morning.
24
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:11,063
♪ ♪
25
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,539
- Ugh.
26
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:23,458
- Fyi, Tracy's
phoning it in today.
27
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:24,459
- What else is new?
28
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:26,169
- No, mother, literally.
29
00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:28,630
- Are you also
staying at this hotel?
30
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:29,965
- Line.
31
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:35,446
- Tracy, we have
been playing this game
32
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:36,471
for five years now.
33
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,443
When is it ever gonna stop?
- I don't know.
34
00:01:38,724 --> 00:01:40,559
After I win a bunch of
awards for my movie,
35
00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:42,060
it's not gonna get better.
36
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:43,952
- I don't see how it
could get any worse.
37
00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:45,439
- Good question, Liz Lemon.
38
00:01:45,731 --> 00:01:47,051
When you win an
Oscar, it opens up
39
00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:48,674
an elite level of
actor craziness...
40
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:50,736
Throwing telephones
at hotel employees,
41
00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:53,655
speaking to the U.N. about
some messed-up crap in Africa,
42
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:56,491
and I'm definitely
getting a private island.
43
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:57,909
- You're getting an island?
44
00:01:58,201 --> 00:02:00,203
- Every crazy a-lister
owns an island...
45
00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:01,495
Nicholas cage,
46
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:03,624
Celine Dion, Charles Widmore.
47
00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:07,085
This is a whole new
world in front of me, L.L.
48
00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:09,880
I'm like stout Cortez!
49
00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:12,299
He's my gardener.
He's easily amazed.
50
00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:13,967
- You have two choices here.
51
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,219
Either you can stay in
your room, like a child,
52
00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:19,973
or you can get out
there and do your job.
53
00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:22,267
Thank you.
54
00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:24,186
- Oh, I'm sorry.
That was misleading.
55
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:25,937
I'm not gonna rehearse.
56
00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:30,776
I'm gonna get a sandwich
and then eat it on the toilet.
57
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:39,660
- What are you wearing?
- My NBC page dress blues.
58
00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:41,711
I want to look good, in
case I get on camera.
59
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:42,995
- On what camera?
60
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:44,432
- Well, Mrs.
Jordan's reality show
61
00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:46,917
is gonna be following Mr. Jordan
around while he's at work.
62
00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:48,209
- What?
- I know!
63
00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:49,377
Isn't it exciting?
64
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:51,254
I've never been on TV before.
65
00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,423
I hope I photograph okay,
66
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,384
because when I
look into a mirror,
67
00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:57,260
there's just a white haze.
68
00:02:57,552 --> 00:02:59,763
- Who told Tracy he
could bring cameras here?
69
00:03:00,055 --> 00:03:01,515
- Well, Mr. Donaghy. Uh, here...
70
00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,367
I couldn't put the
memo in your mailbox,
71
00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:05,394
'cause it's full of unread
adoption materials.
72
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:06,686
- Yeah.
73
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,565
- Hey. Are the
reality cams here?
74
00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:16,863
Oh, god, Lutz, why?
75
00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:19,700
- What? I don't want tush lines.
76
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:21,702
- Oh!
77
00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:23,120
You know...
78
00:03:23,412 --> 00:03:24,732
I have enough
problems with Tracy.
79
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:27,666
I don't need cameras following
him around while he's here.
80
00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:29,718
- Do you know what pays
for your show, Lemon?
81
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:32,116
- Our product placement
with Sullivan psychiatric clinic.
82
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:33,439
"Sullivan psychiatric...
83
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,173
You'll drool over
our crazy prices."
84
00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:36,967
- Reality TV.
85
00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:39,469
A woman with
"hundruplets," a live execution,
86
00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:42,889
the real transvestite hoarders
of orange county penitentiary
87
00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:44,474
- ugh, that show is upsetting.
88
00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,366
Why does the warden
let lady extravaganza
89
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:47,936
have so many spoons?
90
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,897
- Programs like that are
the lifeblood of this industry.
91
00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:52,441
They're cheap, promotable,
92
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:53,893
and even if they're terrible,
93
00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:56,778
you get a rating and
move on to the next idea.
94
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,070
Everybody wins.
95
00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:58,822
- Well, I happen to think
96
00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:01,491
we are in a new golden
age of scripted television.
97
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:02,826
- Shh, shh.
98
00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,118
Lemon, it's okay.
99
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,205
As I begin phase two of my
Jack attack on Kabletown,
100
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,332
I've been doing some research.
101
00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:11,602
Do you know what the
most successful reality events
102
00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,044
of the past five years are?
103
00:04:13,336 --> 00:04:15,547
Celebrity benefits
for natural disasters.
104
00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:18,341
The viewership is huge.
105
00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:19,861
- Yes, but those
ratings mean nothing.
106
00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:21,970
All the networks air those
benefits at the same time,
107
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,382
so no one gets an advantage.
108
00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:25,682
- True, unless only one
network is carrying it,
109
00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:28,018
because only one network
is ready to broadcast
110
00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:30,020
a benefit on the
night of the disaster.
111
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:30,896
- But that's impossible.
112
00:04:31,188 --> 00:04:32,749
There's not enough
time to put it together.
113
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:35,817
- Unless you've pretaped
the show beforehand
114
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:39,613
and filmed options for every
possible disaster scenario.
115
00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:41,448
- You're going to
pretape a benefit
116
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:43,617
for a disaster that
hasn't happened yet?
117
00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:45,702
- Yeah.
- That is bad Karma, Jack.
118
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:47,496
I mean, this
morning, I stole a cab
119
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,247
from a pregnant
lady on crutches,
120
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:51,249
and I am just waiting...
121
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:54,169
- Uh, my goodness, Lemon.
122
00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:56,061
The people affected
will still get money,
123
00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:57,254
but so will NBC.
124
00:04:57,339 --> 00:04:58,339
Everybody wins.
125
00:04:58,548 --> 00:04:59,788
- Oh, and I need Jenna to sing.
126
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:01,008
- I'll do it!
127
00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:03,386
But I hate my dress.
128
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:08,743
- All right, listen
up, everybody.
129
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:10,185
I need ideas from you people
130
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,854
for potential
natural disasters...
131
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:16,107
Anything that might require
a televised celebrity benefit.
132
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:17,399
I need something new,
133
00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:19,069
and I need it by
the end of the day,
134
00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:21,696
so...
135
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,865
Let's get to work.
136
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,911
- Well, I just
finished a screenplay
137
00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:29,871
where a tidal wave
destroys Washington.
138
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,998
- Someone write down
tidal wave. Shut him up.
139
00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:35,001
- What about a tornado
that hits a handgun factory,
140
00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:37,254
and it's just spinning
around shooting handguns?
141
00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:39,226
- What happens when
the second flood comes,
142
00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:41,264
and you aren't allowed
on reverend Gary's ark?
143
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:43,236
Especially since reverend
Gary made it clear
144
00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:44,886
the ark is just
for teenage boys.
145
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,906
- You know, with global
weirding and everything,
146
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:48,570
stuff like that could
totally happen here.
147
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,402
- There was a cyclone
in Brooklyn last year.
148
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:53,186
It destroyed two vintage-t-shirt
stores and a banjo.
149
00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:54,558
- If something does happen,
150
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:55,313
it'll probably be
while we're at work.
151
00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:57,375
I mean, this is where
we spend all of our time.
152
00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:58,639
We should have a plan in place.
153
00:05:58,692 --> 00:05:59,932
- If we don't, I will freak out
154
00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:01,486
and start karate-kicking people.
155
00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:03,989
- Everyone needs
an emergency plan.
156
00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:06,199
For instance, right
before the ark leaves,
157
00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:09,911
I'm supposed to
castrate reverend Gary.
158
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:14,958
- I see you finally
decided to come to work.
159
00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:15,834
- Of course.
160
00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:17,127
I'm just continuing
161
00:06:17,419 --> 00:06:18,962
my consistent
professional behavior.
162
00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:20,839
Let's laugh together, friend.
163
00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:24,801
[Chuckles weakly
164
00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:28,471
what's going on with him?
- First of all, good morning.
165
00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:31,850
And to answer your
question, it's Angie's cameras.
166
00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:33,702
These reality shows
want crazy behavior,
167
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:34,967
so Tracy's keeping it boring...
168
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,039
Give them nothing that
could make him look bad.
169
00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:38,982
- Since when does Tracy
care about looking bad?
170
00:06:39,274 --> 00:06:40,754
- Since he got
nominated for an Oscar.
171
00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:42,861
Then once he wins,
it's on to the next level,
172
00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:44,487
which I am not
looking forward to.
173
00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:46,859
That island he wants to
buy is filled with scorpions.
174
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,617
- Let's do it again
from the top.
175
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,160
I want to get it perfect,
176
00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:52,287
because perfection
is my middle name...
177
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:55,707
"unclaimed perfection baby boy."
178
00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:01,630
- So here's the plan.
179
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:04,191
If anything happens, we meet
outside under the atlas statue,
180
00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:05,455
walk to the 59th street bridge,
181
00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:07,153
and try to get to my
mom's house in queens.
182
00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:08,177
- Okay, good.
183
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:09,343
We've got a wide skill set
184
00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:10,847
for any post-apocalyptic
scenario.
185
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:13,183
I'm good at archery
and kind of want to die.
186
00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,185
- I can use my
glasses to start a fire.
187
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:17,103
Toofer can get us
through black, gay,
188
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:19,564
and nerd-controlled
neighborhoods.
189
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:21,896
Cerie will be some sort of
queen in the new society.
190
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:24,611
- I will do sex with
cannibals as needed.
191
00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:25,903
- I can talk to animals.
192
00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:27,154
Well, not talk to 'em...
193
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,033
I can take commands from 'em.
194
00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:32,869
- Huh. Lutz... what can he do?
195
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:35,163
- Well, he's slow and a coward.
196
00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:37,832
I'm not useless.
197
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:39,960
I mean, I've got a car.
198
00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:41,378
- Oh, I didn't know that.
199
00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:43,421
- All right, Lutz is the driver.
200
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:44,913
- W-Wait. How big is your car?
201
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,716
Can it fit all of us?
- Oh, right.
202
00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:48,259
It's actually pretty small.
203
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:51,554
I could only take
three of you...
204
00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:55,141
So I'll have to choose.
205
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,018
That sucks.
206
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,896
It's like a reality show where
you guys get to compete
207
00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:04,651
for a seat in my car by
proving how much you like me.
208
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:10,448
- Tracy, I need you
to do something.
209
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:11,783
- Of course, friend.
210
00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:13,660
Teamwork is the key to success.
211
00:08:13,952 --> 00:08:14,952
Yeah.
212
00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:17,622
You need to stay late for
a wardrobe fitting tonight.
213
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:19,374
It should take about two hours.
214
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:20,750
- Okay.
215
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:22,168
No problem.
216
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:24,838
- After that, I need you to
record that DVD commentary
217
00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:27,465
that you've been
putting off for five years.
218
00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:30,135
Hope you didn't
have plans tonight.
219
00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:32,679
- No, I wasn't gonna
buy two blimps
220
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:35,241
and crash them into each other
to see what sound they made.
221
00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:38,143
- Look, is there anything that
you two could maybe fight about?
222
00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:40,746
An argument that culminates
in a racial slur would be lovely.
223
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,480
- Sorry, this is gonna
be nice and boring.
224
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:44,941
Tracy's even going to
agree to attend a fundraiser
225
00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:46,860
for my cousin's dance studio.
226
00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:48,820
Aren't you, Tracy?
227
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:53,616
So we're good?
228
00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:55,118
- Never better.
229
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:58,038
I'm as happy as a clam that
wants to kill some woman.
230
00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:00,123
- Great. You're the best.
231
00:09:00,415 --> 00:09:01,415
Love you!
232
00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:04,127
- Love you more!
233
00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:08,882
- Boy, I-I don't know, Jack.
This just doesn't feel right.
234
00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:10,216
- Bob, it's for charity.
235
00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:12,969
And if you don't do it, I'll
have MSNBC tell the world
236
00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:14,261
you grew up in england.
237
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:16,532
But I'm so identified
with New York,
238
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:17,724
you bloody tosser!
239
00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:20,727
- Bob...
240
00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:22,812
- Okay.
241
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:24,898
- Disaster options, take one.
242
00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:26,941
- "We'll always
remember where we were
243
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:29,944
"when we heard that tornado
had hit a handgun factory.
244
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:32,280
"Two days ago, when
people thought of a mudslide,
245
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,824
"they just thought of getting
drunk in an Applebee's.
246
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:38,244
"But now we know it as the
thing that destroyed Denver.
247
00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:40,246
"When the birds first
started attacking us,
248
00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:43,124
"we all thought it was pretty
funny and made Hitchcock jokes.
249
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:44,834
"But we're not laughing now,
250
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:48,046
"because our laughter
excites the birds sexually.
251
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:50,715
"This devastating wildfire.
252
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:52,383
"This horrible flood.
253
00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:54,010
"This wonderful flood
254
00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:56,596
"that put out that
devastating wildfire.
255
00:09:56,888 --> 00:09:59,891
These super-intelligent sharks."
256
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,686
- Tracy, I just thought
257
00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:05,688
of a few more things
I need from you.
258
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,940
♪ Shut your mouth ♪
259
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:12,070
♪ I am finished taking
orders from you ♪
260
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,739
♪ and I think that you're
a four-eyed douche ♪
261
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:17,071
- Wow, Tracy, I don't want
to interrupt this moment.
262
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,452
This is great stuff,
but that's Billy Joel's.
263
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,138
Anything you sing
to that tune, uh...
264
00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:22,413
I can't use on the show.
265
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,124
- ♪ That's too bad ♪
266
00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:27,377
♪ but if I say you
cannot do anything ♪
267
00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:30,380
♪ to make me look
bad on your TV show ♪
268
00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:33,133
♪ and also let me
say that Liz is a ho ♪
269
00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:35,135
♪ a dirty ho ♪
270
00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:37,106
♪ you are a child ♪
271
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:40,932
♪ and you're losing
your mi-i-i-nd ♪
272
00:10:41,224 --> 00:10:43,893
♪ I want to kick you ♪
273
00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,813
♪ I'm not good at
making up songs ♪
274
00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:49,315
- ♪ unlike me, who is good ♪
275
00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:52,735
♪ as you can tell
from this rhyme ♪
276
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:54,779
- ♪ whoa oh oh oh oh ♪
277
00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:56,739
♪ oh oh oh oh ♪
278
00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:59,075
♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪
279
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:01,161
Both: ♪ whoa oh oh oh oh ♪
280
00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:03,663
♪ oh oh oh oh ♪
281
00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:05,582
♪ oh oh oh oh oh ♪
282
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:12,380
- ♪ the thing that happened ♪
283
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,924
♪ was so sad ♪
284
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,760
♪ we can't believe
it got so bad ♪
285
00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:20,597
♪ when the stuff
we know occurred ♪
286
00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:23,141
♪ went down ♪
287
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,894
♪ so find it in your heart ♪
288
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,771
♪ step up and do your part ♪
289
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:32,108
♪ and help the people
the thing that happened ♪
290
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,235
♪ happened to ♪
291
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,029
♪ help the people ♪
292
00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:38,239
♪ the thing that happened ♪
293
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:44,746
♪ happened to ♪
294
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,518
- Fantastic, Jenna.
You really brought
295
00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:49,083
the songwriting
computer's words to life.
296
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:51,753
- Wow, you're
actually doing this.
297
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,796
- Yes, all I'm missing
is the disaster.
298
00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:55,608
- Well, I'm in the middle
of a Tracy disaster.
299
00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:57,175
I thought I could
use Angie's cameras
300
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,636
to make him behave,
but he found a loophole,
301
00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:01,930
and now, to close
it, I need $80,000
302
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,598
to buy the rights
to uptown girl.
303
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:04,890
- Lemon, it sounds like
304
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,535
you're trying to fight
crazy with crazy.
305
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:07,995
- Yeah, because crazy
is the only language
306
00:12:08,019 --> 00:12:09,019
that Tracy is fluent in.
307
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:10,539
- But you'll never
out-crazy Tracy,
308
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:11,999
so why don't you
have it out with him
309
00:12:12,023 --> 00:12:13,358
once and for all,
like two adults?
310
00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:15,044
- Because we're
not two adults, Jack.
311
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,988
One of us is an actor,
and actors are not people.
312
00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:19,280
- Someone get a P.A.
to feed me baby food,
313
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,532
or I will drop a "d"
in the green room!
314
00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:22,492
Yeah.
315
00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:26,663
Last week you thought I
was crying wolf, didn't you?
316
00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:28,115
Lutz is the best.
317
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,541
- Nice feet, Lutz.
- I like Lutz the most.
318
00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:32,436
- Look at all of you
trying to impress me.
319
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,754
I feel like the bachelor.
320
00:12:35,046 --> 00:12:38,341
But, uh, whom
shall I give my Rose?
321
00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:44,764
It's so hard to choose when
everyone loves me so much.
322
00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:48,393
But only three of you can
ride to safety in my car.
323
00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:49,686
Mmm!
324
00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:54,023
I don't really have a car.
325
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:01,114
- Tracy, your little
singing game is over.
326
00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:03,116
I got auto-tune for my computer,
327
00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:05,528
and if you try to sing, I'll
just take out the melody,
328
00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:07,203
and no one has to pay for that.
329
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,038
Liz Lemon won ♪
330
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:10,373
♪ do do do do ♪
331
00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:13,001
That was me singing the
Beatles' here comes the sun
332
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,293
for free.
333
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:15,521
L.L., please.
334
00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:17,755
I'm way ahead of you.
335
00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:19,090
And I'm not rehearsing.
336
00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:21,222
I'm going to shoot garden
gnomes with a handgun
337
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,301
at Tupac's house.
338
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:23,803
Yeah, Tupac is alive.
339
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:25,775
I bet you'd like to
have that on your show.
340
00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:27,140
- Yes, Tracy, obviously.
341
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:28,712
But again, I can't use any of it
342
00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:30,091
when you're wearing that mask.
343
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,644
The rangers logo is trademarked.
344
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:33,229
- Okay, fine. Jack was right.
345
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:34,564
I can't out-crazy you.
346
00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:36,357
So we're gonna talk, right now.
347
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:37,692
No cameras.
348
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,699
All right, Tracy, the kid
gloves are coming off.
349
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:47,618
- Oh, that explains
it. Those are gloves.
350
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:49,620
No wonder they're
so coarse and wrinkly.
351
00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:52,540
- Five years ago, I
rescued your career.
352
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,000
And how do you repay me?
353
00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:56,627
By making my life
harder at every turn.
354
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:58,755
You are late. You
blow off rehearsals.
355
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:01,632
And your online romance
prank was not funny!
356
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:02,924
I fell in love with you!
357
00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:05,928
You wore a yellow
hat to that coffee shop.
358
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,097
You know what's actually
funny about all this?
359
00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:09,766
You think I'm the problem.
360
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,684
Have you ever tried
to work with you?
361
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:13,770
- Really? You're
trying to blame me?
362
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,230
- Five years ago,
I saved your show.
363
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:18,191
I rode in here on a white horse
364
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:20,026
that you made me
leave in the lobby.
365
00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:23,529
All you do is stifle me when
you should be thanking me.
366
00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:24,882
- Oh, yeah, I should
be thanking you.
367
00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:28,701
Without me, do you have any
idea where you would be right now?
368
00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:31,287
- This honky grandma be trippin'
369
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,498
over Surfmaster's
mid-range jet skis!
370
00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:36,209
Where do you think you
would be without me?
371
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,044
- Now, Jerry, in rehearsal,
372
00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:39,962
it's okay to play with yourself.
373
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:41,547
But when we do the show...
374
00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,966
- hey, dummy, you got
to drive me to paintball,
375
00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:45,258
and no complaining.
376
00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:46,830
The only reason
why I got that DUI
377
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,304
is 'cause it was your birthday.
378
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:51,182
What's up, Jerry?
That's awesome.
379
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:54,519
- Well, at least Jerry
bothered to come to rehearsal.
380
00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:56,646
And in my alternate reality,
381
00:14:56,938 --> 00:14:58,815
Dennis dies, and
I win the lottery.
382
00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:00,947
- But then I would run
you over with a jet ski!
383
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:02,819
- Damn it!
384
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:07,156
- Jonathan, come in here!
385
00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:08,825
Fantastic news...
386
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:11,119
There's been a natural disaster.
387
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,662
- Was it in Indian kashmir?
388
00:15:12,954 --> 00:15:15,081
May Durga's trident
Pierce them from the skies!
389
00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:17,708
- No. A typhoon just hit an
island in the south pacific,
390
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,560
and news is going
to full-time coverage!
391
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:21,796
It's perfect. The
island is called Mago.
392
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,088
It's near Fiji.
393
00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:24,897
Heavy structural
damage, no fatalities...
394
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:26,175
Sad, but not too sad.
395
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:28,387
We'll get footage of
beautiful polynesian people,
396
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:29,720
proud and topless,
397
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:31,973
maybe a pelican
near some diapers.
398
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:33,265
I don't know.
399
00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:34,767
- Oh, it's all
happening so fast.
400
00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:36,703
We haven't even given
this plan a code name.
401
00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:37,103
- Haven't we?
402
00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:41,858
Operation righteous
cowboy lightning is a go.
403
00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:49,132
- Okay, first of all,
I look weird there
404
00:15:49,157 --> 00:15:50,157
because I'm "snarting."
405
00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:51,993
- You "snarted" in
my dressing room?
406
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,328
- And second of all,
I said no cameras.
407
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:57,123
- That footage cannot
be shown on television.
408
00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:59,292
I'm trying to buy
a island over here.
409
00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:01,061
- I'm sorry, tray,
but now I just need
410
00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:02,128
a heartfelt resolution.
411
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,180
So we're gonna use a
little reality-TV magic.
412
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:06,507
We call it staging it or lying.
413
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,485
We'll shoot you guys
meeting in the hallway.
414
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:10,136
Uh, you apologize, you hug.
415
00:16:10,428 --> 00:16:12,180
- Ugh. You are disgusting.
416
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,974
And I have absolutely no
reason to apologize to him.
417
00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:16,586
- And I have no
reason to hug her,
418
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:18,936
other than my love of having
boobs pressed against me.
419
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:19,770
- If I hugged you,
420
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:21,662
I would angle it so
that you got no boob.
421
00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:23,378
- And I would
anticipate your angling,
422
00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:24,567
and I would get there.
423
00:16:24,859 --> 00:16:27,195
I would get there.
424
00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:29,989
- Yah!
425
00:16:30,281 --> 00:16:33,784
- Hey, buddy, I made you
an apocalypse road trip mix.
426
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:35,453
I hope your car has a cd player.
427
00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:37,079
It has two.
428
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:38,748
And it has flames on the side.
429
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,041
- Oh.
430
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,126
- Lutzy, guess what.
431
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:43,836
A friend of mine
works for marvel,
432
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:45,928
and he got me four
tickets to a test screening
433
00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:47,798
of captain america tonight!
434
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:49,258
- Nice!
435
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:52,136
Chris Evans' body looks
amazing in the trailer.
436
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:53,846
When's his men's heal th cover?
437
00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:58,851
- Okay, so who you gonna
take with you besides Frank?
438
00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:10,255
- Dude, make up your mind.
439
00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:11,614
We have to be in
Harrison by 6:00.
440
00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:13,616
- Wait. It's in New Jersey?
441
00:17:13,908 --> 00:17:15,188
How are we getting
to New Jersey?
442
00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:18,621
- You're going to
drive us, obviously.
443
00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:22,291
What am I gonna do?
444
00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:24,478
- Where have you been,
sir? Have you seen the news?
445
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:26,502
- I don't have to, Jonathan.
I know what's on it...
446
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:28,005
The poor people of Mago island
447
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:30,132
and their brave
shorts-wearing police force.
448
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:31,717
- If you're just joining us,
449
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:33,289
this is NBC's
continuing coverage
450
00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:35,221
of the devastation in Mago...
451
00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:38,766
The Fijian island owned by
controversial actor Mel Gibson.
452
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:39,725
- Good god.
453
00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:41,644
- We are receiving reports
454
00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:43,416
of extensive damage
to the main house,
455
00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:45,731
as well as the house
for Gibson's cars.
456
00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:47,984
No word yet on the fate
of Gibson's collection
457
00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:51,529
of anti-semitic and
misogynistic literature.
458
00:17:51,821 --> 00:17:53,531
- No!
459
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:56,117
No, this is not a prank.
This is Jack Donaghy.
460
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:59,161
And I'm calling about operation
righteous cowboy lightning.
461
00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:00,830
Hello?
462
00:18:01,122 --> 00:18:02,402
- We are joined
now by a relative
463
00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:04,667
of the island's
owner... Oskar Gibson.
464
00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:06,079
G'day.
465
00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:09,088
First off, the holocaust
never happened.
466
00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:12,758
- Aah!
467
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:17,972
- We go now to NBC's
exclusive primetime benefit
468
00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,308
for the victims of the
devastation in Mago,
469
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,935
specifically Mel Gibson
and his houseguest,
470
00:18:23,227 --> 00:18:24,227
Jon Gosselin.
471
00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,859
- Why do bad things
happen to good people?
472
00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:31,902
We'll never know.
473
00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:33,946
But look at these pictures.
474
00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:36,699
Look at these beautiful souls...
475
00:18:36,991 --> 00:18:38,784
And pick up the phone.
476
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:40,911
Every dollar you give to help...
477
00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:42,323
Mel Gibson...
478
00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:43,956
- Will go towards rebuilding...
479
00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:45,488
His sex jacuzzi.
480
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,710
- ♪ And help the people ♪
481
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:50,254
♪ the thing that happened ♪
482
00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:55,051
♪ happened to ♪
483
00:18:59,013 --> 00:18:59,680
- Oh, here he comes!
484
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:02,141
Pick me, Lutzy! Pick me!
485
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:09,106
- Now, you can't all fit, so...
486
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:11,233
- Dude, did you
just buy that car?
487
00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:12,610
- What?
488
00:19:12,902 --> 00:19:14,502
- There's a dealer
sticker in the window,
489
00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:15,528
you got no plates,
490
00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:18,074
and you made these flames
out of magic marker and tape!
491
00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:19,909
- I'd rather die
than ride with him.
492
00:19:20,201 --> 00:19:21,744
Let's go.
- Uh, okay.
493
00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:23,245
But now I do have a car,
494
00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,081
so everything's
like it was before.
495
00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:28,584
It's all like it was before!
496
00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:36,967
- ♪ And help the people
the thing that happened ♪
497
00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:39,178
♪ happened to ♪
498
00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:40,596
♪ help the... ♪
499
00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,408
- Mm, we now return
to queen of Jordan.
500
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:44,308
You heard me!
- Ugh.
501
00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:49,396
What the hell?
502
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:51,649
- Tracy, I need you.
503
00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:53,776
- Of course, friend.
- So we're good?
504
00:19:54,068 --> 00:19:56,028
- Never better.
- You're the best.
505
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,739
Love you.
- Love you more!
506
00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:02,368
- Let's never fight again.
507
00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:05,830
- No, never, Tracy.
508
00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:08,958
- I know it's fake, but...
509
00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:12,378
Damn it, I miss him.
510
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:16,841
I knew I'd get that boob squish.
511
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,968
- ♪ Honestly, I swear ♪
512
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:20,469
♪ thought you saw me wink... ♪
513
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:21,929
- Tracy, I'm sorry.
514
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,390
- Don't. You already
said it all on the show.
515
00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:25,933
You said it all.
516
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,520
- I got there.
- I'm angling.
517
00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:31,147
I'm angling.
518
00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:35,568
- Hey. Are you okay?
519
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,027
Oh, you're kidding.
520
00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:38,904
Your dumb stunt worked?
521
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:41,490
- It was our highest rating
since that episode of SVU
522
00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:43,576
where the detectives
watched American idol.
523
00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:45,202
- It was a train wreck.
524
00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:46,203
- It was reality TV.
525
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:47,764
It can be good.
It can be terrible.
526
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:49,228
It just can't be
anything in between.
527
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:52,752
- You know, some people
actually craft stories.
528
00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:54,604
And when the story
doesn't have an ending,
529
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,338
you don't just create
one out of thin air
530
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:57,630
by playing music
531
00:20:57,673 --> 00:21:00,009
or having people give
each other meaningful looks.
532
00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:01,886
Sure, that might
manipulate an audience
533
00:21:02,178 --> 00:21:03,738
into thinking they're
feeling something,
534
00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:05,264
but it sucks.
535
00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:10,019
- ♪ Tell me what
you want to hear ♪
536
00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:12,605
♪ something that'll
light those ears ♪
537
00:21:12,897 --> 00:21:15,941
♪ I'm sick of all
the insincere ♪
538
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:21,155
♪ so I'm gonna give
all my secrets away ♪