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- Wonderful news, non-famouses.
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00:00:06,423 --> 00:00:08,717
My publicist just
called from rehab.
3
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,219
I made the Internet.
4
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,513
- You're on joanofsnark.com?
5
00:00:12,804 --> 00:00:14,097
- On what?
- Joanofsnark.
6
00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:16,016
It's this really cool
feminist web site
7
00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:17,908
where women talk
about how far we've come
8
00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:20,354
and which celebrities have
the worst beach bodies.
9
00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:22,397
Ruth bader ginsburg!
10
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,192
- "Comedy's freshest
female voice."
11
00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:26,985
Take that, Courtney
Thorne-Smith.
12
00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:28,570
- That's not about you.
13
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,156
That's about some
stand-up named Abby Flynn.
14
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- Wow.
- Lady.
15
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:33,867
- Pretty nostrils.
16
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- How do I find me?
17
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:37,663
Computer, "Jenna"!
18
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- Oh, here's your article.
19
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:42,084
"Why does 'TGS' hate women?"
20
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- What? How can they say that?
21
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We love women.
22
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With Tracy gone, our
last episode was all Jenna.
23
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- This is Amelia earhart.
24
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I'm almost across the pacific...
25
00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,095
Oh, no. My period!
26
00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:56,682
I'll now take questions.
27
00:00:56,974 --> 00:00:59,268
Oh, no. My period!
28
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,560
Let's nuke england!
29
00:01:00,811 --> 00:01:05,190
- But that is an
ironic reappropriation.
30
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I don't know anymore.
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This started as a show
for women, starring women.
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At the very least, we
should be elevating
33
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:14,116
the way women are
perceived in society.
34
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Oh, my period!
35
00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:17,327
You're all fired!
36
00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:26,461
♪ ♪
37
00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:40,517
- Jack.
38
00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:42,144
Do you think I hate women?
39
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,479
- Absolutely. But
it's not your fault.
40
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:46,231
You are genetically predisposed
41
00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:47,774
to compete against other women
42
00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:51,320
for the attention of strong,
powerful men like myself
43
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:52,321
or others very similar to me.
44
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:55,157
For example, Hercules,
45
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,451
the highlander, or, uh... God.
46
00:01:57,743 --> 00:01:59,095
- I want to roll my
eyes right now,
47
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but the doctor said
if I keep doing it
48
00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:01,580
my ocular muscles might spasm
49
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:03,206
and eject my eyeballs.
50
00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,500
- Female jealousy is an
evolutionary fact, Lemon.
51
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:07,152
If you try to breed
it out of them,
52
00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:09,463
you end up with a
lesbian with hip dysplasia.
53
00:02:09,755 --> 00:02:11,024
- You're wrong. I support women.
54
00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:12,174
I'm like a human bra,
55
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which is why I want
to hire a young comic
56
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:16,303
named Abby Flynn to
come on as a guest writer.
57
00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:17,888
- No, you are not budgeted...
58
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:19,931
She's got good energy.
Hire her immediately.
59
00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:21,558
- See?
60
00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:22,952
I'm not threatened by the fact
61
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,186
that men are attracted to her.
62
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:25,103
Please, Lemon.
63
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,035
It's got nothing to do
with her hot mouth.
64
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,291
Every organization
needs new blood
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00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:29,483
once in a while.
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00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:31,318
Like Hank Hooper
says in his book,
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"new blood is the lifeblood
of every company's blood."
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He's not a strong writer.
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00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:36,906
- Hank Hooper.
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00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:38,718
Isn't that the guy who
outbid no one for NBC?
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- Yes, he's the
CEO of Kabletown,
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00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,245
but he won't be forever.
73
00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:43,723
And someday, when he steps down,
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00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,457
I intend to succeed him.
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00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:48,030
- Well, believe in yourself
and you will reach your goals.
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00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:50,212
I read that on a bottle of
women's exercise water.
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00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:51,797
- Ah, it's not so simple.
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00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:54,383
Kabletown is a
family-owned company.
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00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,301
There is a potential successor,
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so to get what I want,
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I must find a way
to destroy her.
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- Her? It's a woman?
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- Well, not exactly.
84
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:03,140
- Hi, I'm Kaylie Hooper.
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00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:05,143
I'm 14 years old
and I'm waiting in line
86
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:06,835
to meet Justin
bieber 'cause he's...
87
00:03:07,979 --> 00:03:08,979
- I'm sorry.
88
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,482
Your new rival is
a ninth grade girl?
89
00:03:10,774 --> 00:03:12,025
How old is Hank's wife?
90
00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:13,318
Is it a second marriage?
91
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,129
Why do men always
marry someone younger?
92
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"Because they can, Liz."
93
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:17,530
- Get a grip, Lemon.
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00:03:17,614 --> 00:03:19,658
Kaylie is Hank
Hooper's granddaughter.
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Her parents' generation was lost
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00:03:21,076 --> 00:03:22,619
to "trust fund kids" disease.
97
00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:25,372
The aunt smokes
pot and "paints."
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00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:26,784
The father is trying to sail
99
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:29,209
an inflatable castle
across the Atlantic.
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00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:32,379
I have to ensure that
Kaylie makes similar choices.
101
00:03:32,671 --> 00:03:34,756
- So you're trying to
destroy a 14-year-old?
102
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,550
- I am trying to
guide a 14-year-old.
103
00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:39,261
Maybe I could help her
realize some other life goal.
104
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,555
To become a doctor's nurse
105
00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:43,223
or a lawyer's mistress
106
00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:45,118
or even the president
of the United States
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00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:46,852
shopping association.
108
00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:48,144
- Wow. Typical.
109
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:51,231
Meanwhile, I'm helping
women achieve their potential.
110
00:03:51,523 --> 00:03:52,834
Because potential is
the difference between
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00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:54,568
what you can't do
and what can't you do.
112
00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:56,460
- Did you get that
off of a water bottle?
113
00:03:56,570 --> 00:04:00,907
- No, I sent it in, but
Aquafem did not choose it.
114
00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:04,453
- Okay.
115
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:07,748
Word is this Abby Flynn
thing is really happening.
116
00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:09,082
- Girl coming!
117
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:11,168
- This is a big
opportunity for us.
118
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:14,004
She does not know
how much we suck.
119
00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:15,616
- But she'll find
out soon enough.
120
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:16,858
I mean, how long did it
take the women here?
121
00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:17,966
- I don't know.
122
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:19,778
How long does it
take to see something?
123
00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:23,221
I mean, light travels at
186,000 miles per second, so...
124
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:24,513
- no duh!
125
00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,224
Being ourselves doesn't work.
126
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,268
So to have a chance with Abby,
127
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:29,978
we're creating new identities.
128
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,981
I'm going to be
pretend to be rich.
129
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,484
- And I'll be a
dangerous bad boy.
130
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,295
And I shall be British.
131
00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:39,488
'Cause chicks dig British guys.
132
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,072
Sir Ian mckellen?
133
00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:43,450
That dude must be
knee-deep in boob.
134
00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:44,969
- And if you guys
don't go along with this,
135
00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:48,872
Lutz will play Xbox Kinect
with his shirt off again.
136
00:04:49,164 --> 00:04:53,168
- Star jump! I
found the chrysalis!
137
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:54,740
- Rich, bad boy,
British. Got it.
138
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,046
- Nice!
- All right!
139
00:04:56,338 --> 00:04:58,048
Yeah!
- Hey, yeah!
140
00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:01,009
- Now, you may have
heard of J. Fred Muggs,
141
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,421
the chimpanzee that was on
The Today Show in the '50s.
142
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,514
But what most people don't know
143
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:08,141
is that NBC is still a network.
144
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:09,893
- Speaking of television,
145
00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:12,079
is that a field you would
like to go into, Kaylie?
146
00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:13,183
Work with your grandfather?
147
00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:14,314
- Mmm.
148
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:15,607
- I agree.
149
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:17,359
TV is boring.
150
00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,862
So do you have a favorite
subject in school, Kaylie?
151
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,739
- You don't want to
hear about school.
152
00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:24,031
It's dumb.
153
00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:25,617
- What you talkin'
'bout, Kaylie?
154
00:05:25,909 --> 00:05:26,952
School's cool.
155
00:05:27,244 --> 00:05:28,912
Just like Justin "bee-eye-bear."
156
00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:31,957
- Well, I've never told anyone
in my family this before,
157
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:35,043
but my dream is to
be a marine biologist.
158
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,587
My favorite fish is
the cleaner wrasse
159
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:39,159
and I even tried
to get it chosen
160
00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:41,800
as our school mascot,
but, well, I was outvoted.
161
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:44,094
So our new mascot is a slut.
162
00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:46,888
- So you're interested
in marine biology.
163
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,180
Hmm. Who do I know?
164
00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:50,976
You've probably never heard
of the explorer Bob Ballard.
165
00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:52,561
You know Dr. Ballard?
166
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,689
He discovered the
Titanic, the lusitania,
167
00:05:55,981 --> 00:05:57,141
and according to his website,
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00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,525
a guilt-free cheesecake recipe.
169
00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:00,336
- I'm also on the board
of the American museum
170
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,360
of natural history.
171
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:02,528
- Ah!
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00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:04,091
- If you like, I could
have Dr. Ballard
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00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:05,762
give us a private
tour of the museum.
174
00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:07,450
- Oh, my gosh!
175
00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:09,661
Mr. Donaghy, that'd be so cool!
176
00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:13,123
- Okay, now, please follow
me to Brian Williams' bathroom,
177
00:06:13,415 --> 00:06:17,168
which is also J.
Fred Muggs' skull.
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00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:25,677
- Okay, guys, Abby
is on her way up.
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00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:30,265
West ham Drew nil-nil at wolves?
180
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:31,557
- Stop that!
181
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:34,269
Are you guys changing
your personalities for Abby?
182
00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:36,187
- Is she here yet?
183
00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:39,107
- Subhas, you are married.
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00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:42,110
Okay, this is exactly the
kind of male douchebaggery
185
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,162
that is about to take
a real hit around here.
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00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:47,574
Don't you know I'm
talkin' 'bout a femolution?
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00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:48,575
Tracy Chapman.
188
00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:50,285
She's a woman, right?
189
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,954
It's a new era at "TGS."
190
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,646
Let's see the
blogosphere try to say
191
00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:55,706
that I hate women now.
192
00:06:57,542 --> 00:07:00,253
Look at all these dudes!
193
00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:03,173
I knew I smelled sausage.
194
00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:04,883
- Yes!
195
00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:05,717
- Abby? I'm Liz.
196
00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:07,594
- Liz!
197
00:07:07,886 --> 00:07:09,137
Thank you! Oh!
198
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,014
Our nips just touched.
199
00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:12,974
Mine are so hard.
200
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,019
- Mine are different sizes.
201
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:17,431
Abby, these are the writers.
202
00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:19,105
- Oh, where's little
Abby gonna sit?
203
00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:22,901
Guess I'll have to sit
on somebody's lap.
204
00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:24,194
- You could sit there.
205
00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:25,654
- Eenie...
- Please god.
206
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,238
- Meenie...
- Come to mommy.
207
00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:28,823
- Minie...
- Me. Pick me.
208
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:33,828
Moe!
209
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,665
- Give me strength, oh, Oprah.
210
00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:39,185
- When I first
started working here,
211
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:40,489
an eight-year-old Shirley temple
212
00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:41,863
taught me how
to roll a cigarette.
213
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:44,047
- Lemon, who thinks
gesturing with one's thumbs
214
00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:47,092
is for poor people and is going
to be the next CEO of Kabletown?
215
00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:48,384
This guy.
216
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,136
- Already? What
did you do to her?
217
00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:51,930
- Nothing.
218
00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:53,282
She wants to be
a marine biologist.
219
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,100
Kaylie is playing
right into my hands.
220
00:07:55,392 --> 00:07:57,602
I also had a youthful
fascination with exploration
221
00:07:57,894 --> 00:08:00,438
and I know exactly
what any 14-year-old
222
00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:02,732
science geek wants to do.
223
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:04,985
Practice frottage on a
poster of Linda Ronstadt
224
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:06,695
and meet your idol.
225
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,697
Like when I met
Jacques cousteau.
226
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:12,784
I will never forget
what he said to me.
227
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,076
Oh, I did forget.
228
00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:15,620
It was so long ago.
229
00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:16,931
- When I was a
kid, I got to meet
230
00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:18,456
the "where's the beef" lady.
231
00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:20,267
- With my connections, I can
make Kaylie's dreams come true.
232
00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:22,836
I should dig up my old shell
collection and give it to her.
233
00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,928
Complete the seduction
after Bob Ballard and I
234
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,005
double-team her.
235
00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:27,131
- Word choice, Jack.
236
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:31,094
- Withdrawn.
237
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:31,886
Lemon, is that the
new woman you hired?
238
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:35,056
- Is it cold in here
or is it just that
239
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:38,018
I'm not wearing any underwear?
240
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:40,770
- She should be
careful around the crew.
241
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:42,123
New York gives us a tax break
242
00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:43,982
for employing sex offenders.
243
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:45,794
It's a terrible program.
- What's that?
244
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:47,736
Oh, I don't know. Is it a stain?
245
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,029
Nobody knows.
246
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:50,864
- What is that?
247
00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:52,907
- Ow. That is Abby Flynn.
248
00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:54,199
She's a guest writer.
249
00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:57,078
- She's being hot
and doing baby talk?
250
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:58,955
I invented that.
251
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:00,247
Summer of '98,
252
00:09:00,415 --> 00:09:01,875
I took it to a whole new level.
253
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,796
There can't be two of us, Liz.
254
00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:08,715
She must be destroyed.
255
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:11,217
- Uh-huh. I don't
know how I got here.
256
00:09:11,509 --> 00:09:13,109
- No, Jenna. That is
exactly the problem.
257
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:16,264
Men infantilize women and
women tear each other down.
258
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:17,556
- Exactly.
259
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:19,827
I'll start by spreading a
destructive rumor about her
260
00:09:19,851 --> 00:09:22,353
like the famous one I made
up about Jamie Lee Curtis.
261
00:09:22,645 --> 00:09:25,065
That she has two butts.
262
00:09:25,356 --> 00:09:27,196
- Look, you and I actually
want the same thing,
263
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:28,943
but we're not
gonna destroy Abby.
264
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:30,945
We're gonna fix her.
265
00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,947
- Yes, like you fix a dog.
266
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:34,699
We'll sterilize her.
267
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,831
- No, I'm gonna show
Abby that she doesn't need
268
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:37,952
to act like this.
269
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:38,870
- Hi. I'm Jack. It's
nice to meet you.
270
00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:40,413
- Hi. I'm Abby. Hi.
271
00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:45,585
- Ugh. Whatever.
272
00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:47,337
- So what do you think, Kaylie?
273
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:50,256
Oceanography's
a pretty cool life.
274
00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:53,259
- I can't believe I'm talking
to Dr. Robert Ballard.
275
00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,428
- You're not. "Bob"
is short for "Bobert."
276
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:56,805
- Oh.
277
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,890
Oh, my gosh.
278
00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,182
An anglerfish.
279
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:03,186
- Lophius pisca torius.
280
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:04,896
That was my
favorite fish as a boy.
281
00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:06,188
Look at those teeth.
282
00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:07,774
- You know that's a female.
283
00:10:08,066 --> 00:10:10,086
The male is much smaller
and is basically a parasite
284
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,110
that lives on her.
285
00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:13,238
- Until mating, of course.
Then the male dies.
286
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,490
- Yes, the scientific
term for that is "marriage."
287
00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:19,285
Don't tell Gina I said that.
288
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:22,080
- The ocean really is
the final frontier, Kaylie.
289
00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:24,124
And we keep finding new things.
290
00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:27,669
Giant tube worms that
breathe hydrogen sulfide.
291
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,337
Arctic jellyfish. Oh!
292
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:32,048
And a chemical in
kelp that scientists think
293
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:34,551
might one day cure
ice cream headaches.
294
00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:36,594
There's so much
left to discover.
295
00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:38,221
And you could
be the one to do it.
296
00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:40,014
I kind of envy you.
297
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:43,017
- Youngsters are the future
of ocean exploration, Kaylie.
298
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:44,811
I mean, I'm not
gonna live forever,
299
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:46,980
no matter how much
gold I give Poseidon.
300
00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:50,984
That's why I'm making
you a student argonaut.
301
00:10:54,112 --> 00:10:55,432
I can't believe
this is happening!
302
00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:57,866
- You already speak dolphin.
303
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,076
Excellent.
304
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:03,997
- Is there an age cutoff
for the student argonauts?
305
00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:06,666
What if you gave me
a sticker as a joke?
306
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,378
- You know, Mr. Donaghy, it...
307
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,839
It seems you
really love this stuff.
308
00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:14,971
Maybe you should have
been a deep-sea explorer.
309
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,175
- Oh, no, Kaylie.
310
00:11:16,259 --> 00:11:17,886
That was a boyhood fantasy.
311
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,178
I'm an adult now.
312
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:21,973
I don't have fantasies anymore.
313
00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:24,976
- Kaylie, this way.
314
00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:33,151
There she is, men.
315
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:38,239
The elusive
northern right whale.
316
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,408
♪ Oh blow the wind westerly ♪
317
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,285
♪ let the wind blow ♪
318
00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:44,078
♪ oh derry hi derry ♪
319
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:45,496
♪ hey derry ho ♪
320
00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:46,956
- Jack? Jack?
321
00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:48,458
- Yes, sailor? What is it?
322
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,628
- We're moving on.
323
00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:59,719
- Hey, Liz!
324
00:12:00,011 --> 00:12:01,197
- Abby, thanks for
meeting me here.
325
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,764
This place is
very special to me.
326
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,391
- Is this where you got
your v-card punched?
327
00:12:05,683 --> 00:12:06,683
- What? No.
328
00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:08,704
Does this look like the makeup
room of a clown academy?
329
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:09,728
No, this is a statue...
330
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:12,232
And I know you know
this... Of Eleanor Roosevelt.
331
00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:13,900
First lady to the world,
332
00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:15,377
champion of the rights of women,
333
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,570
and the lid on my
high school lunch box.
334
00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:20,031
Look, I know it can be hard.
335
00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:21,991
Society puts a lot
of pressure on us
336
00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:24,077
to act a certain way.
337
00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:25,828
But "TGS" is a safe place,
338
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,790
so you can drop
the sexy baby act
339
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,083
and lose the pigtails...
340
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:31,834
- but I like my pigtails.
341
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:33,795
My uncle says they're sexy.
342
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,287
- Enough with the gross jokes.
343
00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:36,923
And that voice!
344
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:38,695
I want you to talk
in your real voice.
345
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:40,051
- This is my real voice.
346
00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:42,428
And the whole sexy
baby thing isn't an act.
347
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,181
I'm a very sexy baby.
348
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:48,518
I can't help it if men
are attracted to me.
349
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,311
Like that homeless guy.
350
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,397
He likes what he sees.
351
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:53,849
- Okay. That could be for me.
352
00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:57,694
- It's not! It's for her!
353
00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:59,946
- Abby, I'm trying to help you.
- Really?
354
00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:02,448
By judging me on my
appearance and the way I talk?
355
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:04,158
And what's the
difference between me
356
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:07,453
using my sexuality and you
using those glasses to look smart?
357
00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:08,745
I am smart.
358
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:10,151
I placed out of freshman German.
359
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:11,958
- Or Lutz using that
sexy English accent
360
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:13,418
to get me in the sack?
361
00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,753
- No! You didn't! Lutz?
362
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,046
Is that even possible?
363
00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:18,858
I mean, I was there
when he belvedered.
364
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:21,884
God, Abby, you can't be that
desperate for male attention.
365
00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:23,176
- You know what, Liz?
366
00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:23,845
I don't have to
explain myself to you.
367
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,888
My life is none
of your business.
368
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:28,099
- Except it is because
you represent my show
369
00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:29,827
and you represent my
gender in this business
370
00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:31,644
and you embarrass me.
371
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:32,937
- Kiss!
372
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:35,898
- Dude, I am sorry,
but this is who I am.
373
00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:37,275
Deal with it.
374
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,193
Now are we gonna
give the gentleman
375
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:42,572
what he asked for or not?
376
00:13:42,864 --> 00:13:44,282
- Ugh.
377
00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:54,792
- Kenneth, when I'm gone,
378
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:57,086
how do you think
people will remember me?
379
00:13:57,378 --> 00:13:59,258
- Actually, sir, I've
already started to compose
380
00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:01,591
a heroic ballad
commemorating your life.
381
00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:04,052
♪ Slaves of Jesus ♪
382
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,179
♪ hear my tale ♪
383
00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:07,698
- I'll tell you
what they'll say.
384
00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:08,824
"Hey, remember Jack Donaghy?
385
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:11,517
"He wore a lot of suits and
went to a lot of meetings.
386
00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:14,270
Now power down,
conversation robot."
387
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:16,582
- Sounds like you're asking
some pretty big questions.
388
00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:18,006
When I have
problems, I like to talk
389
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,109
to the man upstairs.
390
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,081
Unfortunately,
Mr. Guzelian got put in jail
391
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:23,571
for attacking his father.
392
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,199
- I mean, what are we
put on this earth to do?
393
00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,076
Sit behind a desk?
394
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:29,368
I'm still young, Kenneth.
395
00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:31,612
I could devote the time I
have left to other interests.
396
00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:33,206
Let Kaylie run Kabletown.
397
00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,208
I'll join Ballard's
group and become
398
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:36,500
a scientist-adventurer.
399
00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:38,002
Now, that...
400
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:39,879
Would be a legacy.
401
00:14:40,171 --> 00:14:42,298
- I hope my legacy is a
sesame streettype TV show
402
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:46,010
that promotes
illiteracy in girls.
403
00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:47,303
- This could be me.
404
00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:48,763
"Remember Jack Donaghy?
405
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:51,974
"He was the world's
greatest oceanographer.
406
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:53,626
"And we walruses
owe him everything
407
00:14:53,768 --> 00:14:57,355
for giving us the
gift of language."
408
00:14:57,647 --> 00:15:00,983
No.
409
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:03,277
- All right, your
time is up, my friend.
410
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:06,197
I'm taking control of
this Abby situation.
411
00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:08,199
- No, Jenna. I'm not done.
412
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:11,619
Check this out.
413
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,305
- I'm thinking to myself,
"whatever happened
414
00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:15,039
to the erasable pen?"
415
00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:18,209
Besides pencils, who's
saying that's a bad idea?
416
00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:19,210
- I've always thought that,
417
00:15:19,502 --> 00:15:21,379
but I never had the
courage to say it.
418
00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:23,047
- Is that Abby?
419
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,216
I knew her boobs were fake.
420
00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:27,552
And that baby voice is fake too.
421
00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:30,263
You know, as someone
who speaks very naturally,
422
00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:31,764
I'm offended.
423
00:15:32,056 --> 00:15:35,143
- She's taken on a
whole new identity.
424
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:36,715
She changed her nose, her teeth.
425
00:15:36,978 --> 00:15:38,062
She even changed her name.
426
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,148
It's not Abby Flynn.
It's Abby Grossman.
427
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:41,640
- Well, that's understandable.
428
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:43,378
I mean, "Grossman"
is a little bagel-y.
429
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:47,613
- Abby used to be a strong,
smart, beautiful woman.
430
00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:50,491
Why did she transform
herself into that baby hooker?
431
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,243
Oh.
432
00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:55,413
Children's book
idea: Baby hooker.
433
00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:56,705
Don't tell Liz.
434
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,476
- Well, I am confronting
Abby with this
435
00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:00,626
in front of everybody.
436
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,462
- Oh, that's vicious.
437
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:05,256
Forget my idea.
Yours is so elegant.
438
00:16:05,548 --> 00:16:06,132
- No, Jenna, for the last time,
439
00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:07,467
we're helping her.
440
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:09,135
- Say no more.
441
00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:11,262
Gotcha, boss.
442
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:13,764
- Who else is on the call?
443
00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:15,433
- Katherine Scott, sales.
444
00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:17,435
- Andy hoberman, web sales.
445
00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:18,767
- Gil coughlin, oversight.
446
00:16:18,936 --> 00:16:20,576
- I've got everyone
from meeting planning.
447
00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:23,774
Tricia, Maria, Greg,
Greg p., Lyle, Edwin.
448
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:25,546
- This is Charles.
I'm on for Douglas.
449
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,538
- No, Charles. I'm
on, but I just dialed in.
450
00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:34,577
Mr. Donaghy.
451
00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:35,869
What are you doing here?
452
00:16:35,953 --> 00:16:37,233
- I could ask you
the same thing,
453
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,165
but that would make no sense.
454
00:16:41,459 --> 00:16:42,811
- Where did you get
this picture of cousteau?
455
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:43,878
- That?
456
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,463
The Internet.
457
00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:47,507
- This picture exists
in only two places.
458
00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:49,425
The negative is in
my personal safe
459
00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:51,802
along with my will and
some beanie babies
460
00:16:52,094 --> 00:16:53,454
that I thought would
be worth more.
461
00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:56,140
Or it could be found
in the right book.
462
00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:57,850
- Ugh!
463
00:16:58,142 --> 00:16:59,182
- Hey, what are you doing?
464
00:16:59,393 --> 00:17:00,102
- Quiet, chalk-hands.
465
00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:01,812
A real man is talking.
466
00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:03,356
Why do you have this, Kaylie?
467
00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:05,566
Why are you reading
my autobiography?
468
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,151
- Well, uh...
469
00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:16,035
Same reason you're
reading pop-pop's book.
470
00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:17,787
Researching the enemy.
471
00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:19,079
- So it's true.
472
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:20,807
I was trying to make
you think you didn't want
473
00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:23,191
to run Kabletown, while you
were doing the same thing to me.
474
00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:25,586
What a super sleuth.
475
00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:26,504
You're just like Vanessa from
476
00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,106
the "vampire
detective mysteries."
477
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:29,650
- I'm not familiar
with that reference,
478
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:33,469
but I assume that Vanessa
is some kind of cool genius.
479
00:17:33,761 --> 00:17:35,241
You don't even like
the ocean, do you?
480
00:17:35,346 --> 00:17:37,598
- I hate the
ocean. It's for tools.
481
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:38,992
- The ocean's awesome
and for winners.
482
00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:40,059
You're for tools.
483
00:17:40,351 --> 00:17:42,186
- You can't beat
me, Mr. Donaghy!
484
00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:44,230
You worked your
way into this world,
485
00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:48,192
but I... I was born into it.
486
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:52,697
I breathe it.
487
00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:54,865
So watch your step.
488
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,593
'Cause I can always tell pop-pop
489
00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:57,827
you gave me alcohol.
490
00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,805
- And I can always
seduce one of your teachers
491
00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:00,871
and get her to fail you.
492
00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:02,665
- I'd be into that.
- Me too.
493
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,794
- Better pick up your books
or you'll be late for class.
494
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,671
- This is my free period.
495
00:18:08,963 --> 00:18:10,590
- Well played.
496
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:17,763
- Megan, books!
497
00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:24,478
- You know what sucked
about my last lesbian orgy?
498
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:25,810
Right in the middle of it,
499
00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:28,608
one of us had to get up
to go use the bathroom
500
00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:30,860
and then we all had to go!
501
00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:33,988
- Okay, there's something
everyone here needs to see.
502
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,920
Abby, you might want
to sit down for this.
503
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,533
- Yeah, come sit
on my struikgewas.
504
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:39,744
- On a chair. Come on, Sue.
505
00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:41,662
Abby, this is for your own good.
506
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:45,333
Open apple, tough love time.
507
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:48,628
- Has anyone ever actually
had a good time at brunch?
508
00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:50,421
You know...
- Is that you?
509
00:18:50,713 --> 00:18:52,340
- I don't know
where you found that,
510
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,717
but I am taking it down.
511
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:57,845
That's what she said!
512
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,680
- Hey, first of all,
Steve Carell owns
513
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:00,972
"that's what she said."
514
00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:01,807
He owns it.
515
00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:03,819
And second of all,
it's time to stop hiding.
516
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:06,771
A young person helped
me online post this
517
00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:09,565
on joanofsnark.com.
518
00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:11,901
You stupid, meddling bitch!
519
00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:12,818
- Yes! There's your real voice.
520
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:14,445
There's Abby Grossman.
521
00:19:14,737 --> 00:19:16,197
To quote Eleanor Roosevelt,
522
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:17,758
"We are all..."
523
00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:18,884
- Do you understand
what you've done?
524
00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:20,701
You have signed
my death warrant.
525
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:21,993
- How's that now?
526
00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:23,180
- My ex-husband
is gonna see this.
527
00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:24,455
He's gonna find out where I am
528
00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:25,456
and he is gonna
try to run me over
529
00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:27,375
with his car again.
530
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:30,628
I changed my appearance
to get away from him!
531
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,230
- Oh, 'cause I
thought it was, like,
532
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:33,923
pressure from society.
533
00:19:34,215 --> 00:19:35,215
- You're right, Liz.
534
00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:36,592
I was hiding from a man
535
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:38,886
who went insane
after being electrocuted
536
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,805
while watching
sleeping with the enemy
537
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:42,097
- I was cut out of that.
538
00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:44,106
- Oh, yeah, I am
desperate for male attention,
539
00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:45,788
because I feel safer
having men around
540
00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:47,853
in case Troy comes back.
541
00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:49,980
That is why I slept with Lutz.
542
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:52,274
- And I shall protect her.
543
00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:53,109
- Is there an Abby Flynn here?
544
00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:54,401
- That's her, Troy!
545
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:55,027
I'm on your side! Get her!
546
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:56,612
- Geez, Lutz. It's the ups guy.
547
00:19:56,904 --> 00:20:00,574
- Okay, I think we all
owe Abby an apology.
548
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:01,986
- Oh, my god. It's from him.
549
00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:03,878
"I thought this box
would be the perfect size
550
00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:04,953
"for your head.
551
00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:08,749
P.S. I was electrocuted
again while watching seven."
552
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,041
Great.
553
00:20:10,292 --> 00:20:11,794
I have six hours
to start a new life.
554
00:20:12,086 --> 00:20:13,671
I'll have to be a
redhead this time.
555
00:20:13,963 --> 00:20:16,507
- Oh, I don't know,
with your coloring.
556
00:20:16,799 --> 00:20:18,509
You know what?
Don't listen to me.
557
00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:20,636
- You must really
hate women, Liz.
558
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:25,057
Liz Lemon is a Judas
to all womankind!
559
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:31,897
- Okay.
560
00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:34,525
We were on page six...
561
00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:36,527
Where wonder woman...
562
00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:38,612
Gets her period.
563
00:20:42,199 --> 00:20:43,519
- Tonight's tag is
gonna be a nice
564
00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:45,061
wrap-up scene
between Jack and Liz.
565
00:20:45,286 --> 00:20:46,680
After all, they spent
the whole episode
566
00:20:46,704 --> 00:20:48,789
trying to help young women.
567
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:50,441
But, first, I would
like to correct
568
00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:52,585
some of the science
we saw tonight.
569
00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:56,422
There is no oil in kelp that
helps cure ice cream headaches.
570
00:20:56,714 --> 00:20:58,794
No, the only thing that will
cure ice cream headaches
571
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:00,426
is having sex on a motorcycle.
572
00:21:00,718 --> 00:21:02,470
Kaylie was not speaking dolphin.
573
00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:04,472
When a dolphin
expresses excitement,
574
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,474
it sounds like this.
575
00:21:09,852 --> 00:21:11,121
Okay, we've had
a lot of fun tonight
576
00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:12,480
and it's not over.
577
00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:14,082
In the time remaining,
we're gonna go
578
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:18,527
to that Jack and Liz wrap-up
scene I promised you.
579
00:21:18,819 --> 00:21:20,279
- Well, Lemon...