1 00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:03,337 - Previously on 30 rock... 2 00:00:03,629 --> 00:00:04,838 - Say you approve of Criss. 3 00:00:05,130 --> 00:00:06,131 - I'm in your head. 4 00:00:06,423 --> 00:00:08,383 - Why did you have to offend the gay community? 5 00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:11,053 - Did you just call me an idiot on this TV? 6 00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:14,806 - Tracy has organized a protest of NBC by his fellow idiots. 7 00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:16,391 - Mr. Hornberger? 8 00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:17,785 What do we do? - I don't know. 9 00:00:17,809 --> 00:00:21,188 But I know someone who does. 10 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:22,480 - Talk to me. 11 00:00:30,113 --> 00:00:31,865 - They're still mad? 12 00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:33,797 We sent Elton and David a honey-baked ham. 13 00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:35,035 What more do they want? 14 00:00:35,327 --> 00:00:37,007 - I'm joined now by one gay rights advocate 15 00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:39,748 who isn't sure Jordan and NBC have learned their lesson. 16 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,208 Devin Banks, welcome. 17 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:42,500 - Thank you, Dallas. 18 00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:43,895 I have seen you since Michael kors' 19 00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:45,128 new year's Eve masquerade. 20 00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:47,065 - Uh, I don't know what you're talking about. 21 00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:48,089 - Right. 22 00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:49,341 Let's dive in. 23 00:00:53,929 --> 00:00:54,929 - Banks. 24 00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:58,767 - Hey, try this. 25 00:00:59,059 --> 00:00:59,685 New recipe. 26 00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:01,311 - We have to talk. 27 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:02,603 - How fresh is that dog? 28 00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:05,399 Yesterday, that was the face, feet and colon of a pig. 29 00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:07,150 I'm so fired up, Liz. 30 00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:08,442 I got some cash now. 31 00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:09,546 I can finally make a down payment 32 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:10,821 on a real food truck. 33 00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:13,574 - Yeah, the Van's not great. 34 00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:15,032 - All right, kids. 35 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,075 Who wants some? 36 00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:16,493 Get in my Van. 37 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:18,161 Is there a problem, officer? 38 00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:19,913 - But you can't take that money. 39 00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:21,205 - What, why not? 40 00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:23,750 - Because the guy who wrote you the check... 41 00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:25,669 He's my boss and he doesn't really care 42 00:01:25,961 --> 00:01:29,339 about the hot dog truck or locally sourced pig sweepings. 43 00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:31,842 He just needed an excuse to meet you. 44 00:01:32,134 --> 00:01:33,594 - Wait a minute, you know Jack? 45 00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:35,321 Why would he want to pay $10,000 to meet me? 46 00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:36,573 - Because I didn't want him to meet you. 47 00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:37,957 He inserts himself into my business 48 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,218 whether I want him to or not 49 00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:40,908 and now he's inserting himself into this. 50 00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:42,120 - Well, that's what she said, but... 51 00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:44,980 Why wouldn't you want him to meet me? 52 00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:46,272 You're embarrassed of me? 53 00:01:46,398 --> 00:01:48,025 - No, it's not me, it's him. 54 00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:50,757 I didn't want him to lecture me about how you don't have a job 55 00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:53,238 and your name is spelled wrong and you went to wesleyan. 56 00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:55,616 - Wesleyan is the Harvard of central Connecticut. 57 00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:57,667 - Yale is the Harvard of central Connecticut. 58 00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,384 - Had that locked and loaded, didn't you? 59 00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:00,620 Well, you know what? 60 00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:01,827 This isn't a Jack problem. 61 00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:02,890 I think this is a Liz problem. 62 00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:03,582 Because you wouldn't care what 63 00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:05,876 he thought unless you agreed with him. 64 00:02:06,168 --> 00:02:06,877 Like you're so perfect. 65 00:02:07,169 --> 00:02:07,628 - Let's not do this. 66 00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:09,105 - You don't say cholesterol correctly. 67 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:09,713 - "Chloresterole." 68 00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:11,125 - You're a 41 year old woman 69 00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:12,341 who cheats at board games. 70 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,551 You don't use the tab closures on cereal boxes. 71 00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:17,429 - If you think those are doing anything to seal in freshness, 72 00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:19,264 you are living in a fantasy world, pal. 73 00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:20,766 - Forget it. 74 00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:22,851 This was a good day, Liz. 75 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,543 I'm gonna be in the park meditating. 76 00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:25,843 What would Jack say about that? 77 00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:27,522 - He'd say, "good god, Lemon." 78 00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,691 - Locked and loaded. 79 00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:37,032 Good god, Lemon. 80 00:02:42,371 --> 00:02:50,295 ♪ ♪ 81 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:02,367 - I'll have you know the last man who wore jeans 82 00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,142 in this office was named Theodore wrangler. 83 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:05,811 And you, Banks, could not even 84 00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:09,189 carry his trademark, floor-length, suede cape. 85 00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:11,321 - I was wondering when I'd hear from you, Jack. 86 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:14,528 Do you know what comes up on my phone when you call? 87 00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:16,154 - Where did you get that? 88 00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:17,926 The only copy of that photograph is in 89 00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:19,825 Stephanie Seymour's safety deposit box. 90 00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:23,578 - You have bigger things to worry about, Jack. 91 00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:26,707 See, I've got you right where I want you. 92 00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:27,998 - Really? 93 00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:29,268 You think you have leverage here? 94 00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:30,919 The news cycle is done with Tracy. 95 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,587 They've moved on to a story about 96 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:34,256 teenagers huffing other teenagers. 97 00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,466 Tracy's apologies have been accepted by glaad 98 00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:37,426 and I don't even know what organization 99 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:38,343 you're here representing. 100 00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:39,928 - We're new; We're called peen. 101 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,406 - And what is that an acronym for? 102 00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:42,431 - Acronym? 103 00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:43,803 - Okay, you've succeeded in 104 00:03:43,974 --> 00:03:45,308 annoying me and wasting my time. 105 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,643 But your 15 minutes is up. 106 00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:48,937 And... you've got nothing. 107 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,229 - Really? 108 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,441 Nothing? 109 00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:56,570 See that little Tracy Jordan gem that I leaked last night 110 00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:59,489 was just the tip of the iceberg, Jack. 111 00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:02,868 And NBC is the Titanic. 112 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,870 - The highest grossing movie of all time! 113 00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,562 - The boat, not the movie, the boat! 114 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:08,975 See, I've been following Tracy's standup act for months 115 00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:10,792 now and if any of this gets out, 116 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,711 every protected group in america's 117 00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:14,588 gonna be picketing this network. 118 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:15,880 Enjoy. 119 00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:19,551 - Good god. 120 00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:21,923 - Oh, is this one about how asians act on the subway? 121 00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:24,052 I know, I almost threw up the first time I heard it. 122 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:25,974 - Oh, this one's fun. 123 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,368 Starts out as a joke about our 124 00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:28,392 first Mexican president. 125 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:29,561 - My lord. 126 00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:31,247 - And ends up as just a rant against women. 127 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:31,938 - Oh... 128 00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:34,149 No one can ever listen to this. 129 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:37,611 Then she had teeth down there! 130 00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:39,321 - What do you want, money? A job? 131 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,239 - This isn't a business play, Jack. 132 00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:42,741 I mean, what's the point. 133 00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:44,313 After going head to head with you 134 00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:45,160 for the last five years, I've 135 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:47,012 ended up as a house husband in Brooklyn. 136 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,680 You won, Jack. - So what are you saying? 137 00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:51,333 - I've given up trying to beat you in the board room. 138 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,385 But there are still things I can make you do. 139 00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:55,580 - All right, you can watch me shower, but no touching. 140 00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,130 - No touching just makes it hotter. 141 00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:58,782 No, I'm after bigger game than you. 142 00:04:58,924 --> 00:05:00,634 See you're a very influential man, Donaghy. 143 00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:04,513 You can pull strings in the kind of venerable institutions 144 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:06,348 that still reject creeps like me. 145 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:10,519 I want you to get my triplets into preschool... 146 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:11,937 At St. Matthew's. 147 00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:14,606 - Banks, that's impossible. 148 00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:16,608 Just last year, they rejected one of 149 00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,693 St. Matthew's actual descendents. 150 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:20,070 - I know. 151 00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:21,029 I head that during her interview 152 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:24,449 she turned the class hamster into a dove. 153 00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:25,909 Good luck. 154 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,307 - Pick up the Mercury with the tape, 155 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,083 bag it, then seal the bags. 156 00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:34,977 We'll drive everything out to the meadowlands 157 00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:35,669 and roll the car into a swamp. 158 00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:38,046 We should take two cars. 159 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,618 You didn't tell me he was alive! 160 00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:41,007 - Well of course he is. 161 00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:42,008 Pete's our friend, Kelsey. 162 00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:43,301 - Damn it! 163 00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:44,593 No names! 164 00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:45,716 - We don't want him to die. 165 00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:46,471 But more importantly, 166 00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:47,963 we don't want to be blamed for 167 00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:48,515 what's happened to him. 168 00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:49,516 - It's been five hours since 169 00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:52,227 he's pressed an elevator button. 170 00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:53,871 His office is on this floor, isn't it? 171 00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:56,898 - Yes, but to get him there, you have to go through the backstage 172 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,590 and the backstage is full of people. 173 00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,235 - We need a distraction. 174 00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:03,488 Something to clear the halls of TGS. 175 00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:11,329 - How much time will Kenneth and I have? 176 00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:12,789 How long is the show? 177 00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:14,207 - I don't know. 178 00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:19,337 I've never done it before, baby. 179 00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:20,881 - I will make a brief statement 180 00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:23,300 on behalf of the idiot community, 181 00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,111 then I will open the floor for questions. 182 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:27,304 Since its founding early this afternoon, 183 00:06:27,596 --> 00:06:31,141 the national association for zero intolerance, or Nazi... 184 00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:33,018 We should change that. - It's fine. 185 00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:37,105 - We are outraged that the American bigot, Liz Lemon, 186 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,065 has made no effort to reach out to us. 187 00:06:39,357 --> 00:06:39,983 - Tracy, are you kidding me? 188 00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:42,193 I have been calling your cell all day. 189 00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:44,029 - My ringtone is the chicken dance. 190 00:06:44,321 --> 00:06:45,882 If I answer it, I won't hear the whole song! 191 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,386 - I have to go talk to Jack right now. 192 00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:51,119 Wait for me in my office. 193 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:54,414 - Is there anything you would like to add? 194 00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:59,502 - These microphones look like black ice cream cones. 195 00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:02,005 - Thank you all for coming out. 196 00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:05,508 - Jack, I am giving you your money back. 197 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,094 - You can't tear up my checks, Criss. 198 00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:10,138 They're printed on Nixon's old bed sheets. 199 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:13,308 - Look, I don't understand your relationship with Liz. 200 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:14,184 - She's my subordifriend. 201 00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:16,019 - Well, she's my girlfriend and I'm not 202 00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:17,538 gonna let you get in between us. 203 00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:19,189 It's a little late for that. 204 00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:21,321 You're not going to want to hear this, but I am 205 00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,234 officially disapproving of you. 206 00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:25,129 - Well, I'm sorry, but I really don't care what you think. 207 00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:27,864 - That's really not how things work around here, Criss. 208 00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:30,156 - Damn it, Criss, stop talking to him, it's a trap! 209 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:30,951 You said I won. 210 00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:32,303 You said you wouldn't ask any 211 00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:32,953 more questions about Criss. 212 00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:35,288 - I said I wouldn't ask you any more questions. 213 00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:36,748 - Semantics! 214 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,392 You had no right to come to my home 215 00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:40,835 to trick Criss to rearrange my bathroom. 216 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:42,127 - For the better. - Yes. 217 00:07:42,337 --> 00:07:43,817 The basket of shells was a nice touch. 218 00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:45,024 - But, I'm afraid I have bad news. 219 00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:48,009 I just told Criss that I am officially disapproving. 220 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,261 - Oh, no. - Who cares? 221 00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:51,572 - Of course, you're free to make your own decisions, Lemon. 222 00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:54,432 You can either pretend that you and I are not in agreement 223 00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:55,892 and continue this, uh... 224 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:57,268 Charade. 225 00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,020 Or you can part ways with Criss now 226 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,940 and go and find someone who will truly make you happy. 227 00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:02,857 - I'm sorry, is this guy breaking up with me? 228 00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:05,110 - Of course, you and Criss can still be friends. 229 00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:07,821 - Okay, Liz, I guess you got a choice to make. 230 00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:10,281 You can listen to Jack, we can call it quits 231 00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:11,116 and I go back to sleeping on the floor 232 00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:12,951 of my uncle's mattress store, or... 233 00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:13,910 - you don't understand. 234 00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:15,328 He's in my head. 235 00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:16,329 - Okay, forget Jack. 236 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:18,206 - What does Liz think, hmm? 237 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:18,832 What do you want? 238 00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:22,043 Do you want to be with me or not? 239 00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:24,295 - Don't look at me, ask her. 240 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:25,587 - I don't know, Liz. 241 00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,277 It's gonna go wrong eventually, right? 242 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,926 I mean, I like him, but, what are we doing here? 243 00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:31,302 - Really? 244 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:34,139 This is how you see yourself? 245 00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:36,391 - Of course I pick you, Criss. 246 00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:39,477 If you would just address some of the issues 247 00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:41,813 that we as a group have been talking about. 248 00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:44,357 Unbelievable. 249 00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:48,557 - Well, I have to go get a bunch of gaybies into preschool 250 00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:51,865 before we all get sued, so, uh... 251 00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:55,910 Well done, Lemon. 252 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,353 - So then he says, "teeth down there." 253 00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:03,376 - Good one, Jack. 254 00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:04,210 I'll tell you, friendship is the 255 00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:05,962 one kind of ship that never sinks. 256 00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:07,797 - Douglas, so good to see you. 257 00:09:08,089 --> 00:09:10,467 Uh, do you know my friend, Devin Banks? 258 00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:11,259 - A friend of Donaghy's, eh? 259 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,219 I'll watch my wallet. 260 00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:15,472 Yes, yes, very good, Douglas. 261 00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:16,389 Very funny. 262 00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:17,932 So now we're all good friends 263 00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:19,785 and good friends do favors for each other. 264 00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:21,102 - Is that a St. Matthew's tie? 265 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:22,103 I didn't know you went there. 266 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:23,438 - Not only did I go there, 267 00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,210 I happen to be president of the board. 268 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:26,798 Although, during my financial report 269 00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,818 I may be president of the bored. 270 00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:34,616 - St. Matthew's is such a wonderful school. 271 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:35,926 We were just talking about that. 272 00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:37,535 In fact, Devin's triplets are 273 00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:40,163 applying to St. Matthew's right now. 274 00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:42,373 - I see... 275 00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:44,250 Splendid. 276 00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:47,170 On a totally unrelated topic, did you know that I'm 277 00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:49,714 also on the board of the Manhattan hospital 278 00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:52,217 for rich whites and assimilated Jews? 279 00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:53,509 - I did not know that. 280 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:54,928 - Unfortunately, shortly before 281 00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:59,099 Don Geiss died, the Geiss foundation made a sizeable 282 00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:00,558 pledge to the hospital. 283 00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:03,937 A pledge which, sadly, has not been fulfilled. 284 00:10:04,229 --> 00:10:05,563 - What a coincidence because 285 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,982 Devin and I happen to know the new chair 286 00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:10,235 of the Geiss foundation quite well. 287 00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:11,986 - That is a coincidence. 288 00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:22,997 - Kathy, are you ready to come out now? 289 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:26,668 There she is. 290 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,086 - Hey, you. 291 00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:29,587 Hey, funny. 292 00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:31,798 - Kathy, I know this is a lot to take in but, 293 00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,634 your father made a promise to my friend, so, 294 00:10:34,926 --> 00:10:37,971 what can we do to get that check right now? 295 00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:42,725 And that's why I'm so thrilled to introduce NBC's new mascot, 296 00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:44,561 Magellica the unicorn. 297 00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:45,853 - It's wondrous. 298 00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:46,937 - Indeed. 299 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,231 Back to you, Thomas. 300 00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:50,692 - Okay... we now return to our coverage 301 00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:52,902 of that train derailment in California. 302 00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,697 - And idiots can do anything we put our minds to. 303 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:58,199 I played a "nucular" psychiatrist 304 00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,201 in a James "bong" movie. 305 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,704 - Look, what do I need to do to make this go away? 306 00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:03,580 - I want you to call my phone so 307 00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:05,232 I can hear the chicken dance again. 308 00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:07,016 - And I want the video for my new single 309 00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:08,501 to play on TGS this week. 310 00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:09,836 ♪ La piscine ♪ 311 00:11:10,128 --> 00:11:11,629 ♪ j'adore la piscine ♪ 312 00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:13,756 ♪ towels sunscreen bathing suits ♪ 313 00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:15,508 ♪ diving boards and towels ♪ 314 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:16,968 ♪ those ladders ♪ 315 00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:17,510 ♪ towels ♪ 316 00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:19,262 - Can you make it 16 minutes long? 317 00:11:19,554 --> 00:11:20,221 We're short this week. 318 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:21,833 I'll try to cut it down. 319 00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:23,641 - But above all, we want you to 320 00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,810 recognize who we are as a community. 321 00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:29,480 Idiots aren't just strippers or stay at home moms. 322 00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:31,274 Idiots are all around us. 323 00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,610 - I couldn't find a Lincoln hat 324 00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:35,622 so I grabbed this chimney sweep hat instead. 325 00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:37,864 - If anyone notices... 326 00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:38,990 We're dead. 327 00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:40,533 - So it would mean a lot if you 328 00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:42,243 apologized publically, Liz Lemon. 329 00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,204 Let the healing begin. 330 00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:46,664 And since you wrote my apology, 331 00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:49,834 we went on ahead and wrote yours. 332 00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:52,420 - Careful. 333 00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:54,922 Careful. 334 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,209 - Who designed your bathroom? 335 00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:58,343 It's exquisite. 336 00:11:58,635 --> 00:11:59,755 - I did, you son of a bitch. 337 00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:01,596 I'm excellent at rearranging bathrooms. 338 00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,199 Now get out of here, you got what you wanted. 339 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,225 - I just wanted to say thank you, Jack. 340 00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:06,226 Very impressive. 341 00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:07,227 Can't imagine that your boss, 342 00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:08,621 Hank Cooper, was all that happy 343 00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:09,854 about the logo change. 344 00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:11,397 - Eh, we'll see. 345 00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:14,651 Our new slogan, "NBC, we have a magical horse?" 346 00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:17,612 Is testing, uh... Okay. 347 00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:20,782 - Oh, I also wanted to say that I was lying 348 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:22,384 when I said that this wasn't a business play. 349 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:23,701 - Banks, you're out of the game. 350 00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:24,494 - That's true. 351 00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:26,287 And I've admitted defeat. 352 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:27,579 For our generation. 353 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,165 But for the next generation? 354 00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:32,418 Well, thanks to you, the Banks boys are way ahead. 355 00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:33,771 All the favors that you called in, 356 00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:35,635 you would have used next year for little lippy. 357 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:36,965 - Liddy. 358 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,257 - Is that even a name? 359 00:12:38,508 --> 00:12:40,068 In Brooklyn, I know, like, six lippys... 360 00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:41,928 Doesn't matter. 361 00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:44,013 You just mortgaged your daughter's future 362 00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:45,665 to get out of a little jam at work. 363 00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:49,435 My mommy and me group would really judge your parenting. 364 00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:51,604 Especially lippy's mother. 365 00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:52,896 Which lippy? 366 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:54,065 Lippy d. 367 00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:56,734 - Oh, god, Liddy might have to go to public school. 368 00:12:57,026 --> 00:12:58,146 - See you in 30 years, Jack. 369 00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,655 I wonder what Liddy will be doing with her degree from SUNY. 370 00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:01,572 - Don't even say it. 371 00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:02,991 - Oneonta. 372 00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:06,661 You, jacket. 373 00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:13,251 - Well, hello there. 374 00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:16,004 Welcome to the white house. 375 00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:19,757 Four score and seven years ago... 376 00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:21,426 - What's with that hat? 377 00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:22,945 Oh, I think it looks 378 00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,429 very authentic. 379 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:28,266 - Yeah, I guess you're right. 380 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:34,981 - Mary Todd, you say? 381 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:40,028 - Wha... what's happening? 382 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,238 - Shh, Pete, don't talk. 383 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,991 - Wassup?! 384 00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:46,617 Yeah, baby! 385 00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:50,246 I'm here today to apologize for my earlier comments. 386 00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:53,833 I used an offensive term to describe a group of people 387 00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:56,919 who made america the great... 388 00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:59,464 Continent that it is today. 389 00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:00,381 - Yeah! 390 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:01,382 - These kickass people have 391 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:04,427 given the world countless bodacious things 392 00:14:04,719 --> 00:14:08,389 like the Birther Movement, intelligent design... 393 00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:12,143 Water parks... no, I will not endorse water parks. 394 00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:14,355 They are a cesspool of disease and people boo you 395 00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:16,147 when you walk back down the stairs. 396 00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:19,025 You know what you people have given the world? 397 00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:21,611 Girls gone wild. 398 00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:25,948 The golden globes, cans that tell you how cold beer is, 399 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,618 Florida, Bratz dolls. 400 00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:29,619 - Oh, I get it. 401 00:14:29,911 --> 00:14:31,031 She's naming awesome things. 402 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,330 - No, listen to me. 403 00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:36,292 Because of you, there may be an entourage movie. 404 00:14:36,584 --> 00:14:38,086 - Hug it off, ma'am! 405 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:40,421 Turtle, turtle, turtle! 406 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,006 - You know what, I give up. 407 00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:44,050 You should know better, but no. 408 00:14:44,342 --> 00:14:46,969 You're just gonna keep on riding motorcycles, 409 00:14:47,261 --> 00:14:51,140 having unprotected sex and voting against free health care. 410 00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:54,394 You will make the same self-destructive decisions 411 00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:57,271 over and over and you will never really be happy. 412 00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:00,108 And your jaw will hurt all the time. 413 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,609 - Oh, look at you. 414 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,111 Perfect little weiner dog, 415 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,405 you just need a little mustard on you like that. 416 00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:08,825 And a little bun, just boop, like that. 417 00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:13,121 - No one will make you deutschepancakes, 418 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:17,208 or welcome you home smelling of hot dog water and onion, 419 00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:21,879 or let you break out of jail when you play monopoly. 420 00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:24,257 Oh, my god, I'm such an idiot. 421 00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:31,973 - Wanna make out? 422 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:33,766 - No, thank you. 423 00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:40,940 - Hot crowd, hot crowd. 424 00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:42,960 We've only got a minute before I have to get back out there. 425 00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:45,361 Act two is a play within a play. 426 00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:47,673 - It's funny, in school all you learn about Abraham Lincoln 427 00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:48,990 is that he was a gay alcoholic. 428 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:53,077 - Grab his feet. 429 00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:55,079 - Kelsey gram... 430 00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:56,581 - Shh, shh, shh. 431 00:15:56,873 --> 00:15:58,624 There, there, there you go. 432 00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:00,751 Okay, okay. 433 00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:13,181 I've gotta get back into character. 434 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,016 Hit me in the face! 435 00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:21,564 - What... I forgot to press a floor again. 436 00:16:21,856 --> 00:16:24,358 Hey, what's up, Jackie D? 437 00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:27,862 - In a lot of ways, you and I had similar upbringings. 438 00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:29,434 Terrible schools, broken homes... 439 00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:31,365 - Thinking basketball was the ticket out. 440 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:32,657 Being wrong. 441 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,225 - At some point, our paths diverged. 442 00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:37,079 I went on to Princeton, business school, ge and beyond. 443 00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:38,371 - And look at me. 444 00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:40,625 I spent all day creating a movement 445 00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:43,085 just to get back at Liz Lemon. 446 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:45,904 I said creating a movement. 447 00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,883 - The point is that excellence can come from anywhere. 448 00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,415 - It's the same with stupidity. 449 00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:53,679 In this country, anyone could be the next Jack Donaghy 450 00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:56,516 or the next Denise Richards. 451 00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:59,685 - This room... 452 00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,646 Is moving. 453 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:02,938 Oh, god. 454 00:17:11,948 --> 00:17:12,573 - Banks. 455 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:13,926 What are you still doing here? 456 00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:15,493 - Well, my husband was supposed 457 00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:17,828 to pick me up at 6:00 but he can be such an idiot. 458 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,664 - I'm sure he can. 459 00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:22,458 Where did you go to school, Devin? 460 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:25,711 - I had the best education in the world. 461 00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:29,257 Private kindergarten where I got straight check marks. 462 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,029 Experimental boarding school in carmel 463 00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:32,927 where the students teach the teachers, 464 00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:35,388 and the teachers teach animals. 465 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,265 Year abroad on an all-male catamaran. 466 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:39,892 Then on to Northwestern where I majored in confidence. 467 00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:42,228 I had every educational advantage, Jack. 468 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:45,398 Just like my children will. 469 00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:47,817 - But I beat you. 470 00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:48,526 - What? 471 00:17:48,818 --> 00:17:49,818 - I beat you. 472 00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,195 I came from nothing. 473 00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,322 But I caught up and I crushed you. 474 00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:55,366 Just like Liddy's gonna crush your sons. 475 00:17:55,658 --> 00:17:57,702 She's already sorting objects by shape and color. 476 00:17:57,994 --> 00:17:59,274 - At 11 months, I don't think so. 477 00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,348 - She can count to ten if you say seven for her. 478 00:18:01,372 --> 00:18:02,372 - She gets five and nine? 479 00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:03,738 - She can save five words. - So. 480 00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:05,167 - In mandarin. 481 00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:06,603 They've put her with the toddlers at her 482 00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:08,267 singing and clapping class at fun factory. 483 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:09,422 - She's in orange group? 484 00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,692 - She's already out of the piaget sensorimotor Stage. 485 00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:12,758 - That's impossible. 486 00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:15,928 She scored a 62 on the object permanence matrix. 487 00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,472 - But that's an adult score. 488 00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:19,764 - And did I mention... 489 00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:21,392 She's using the potty. 490 00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:22,724 - Surely just for wee-wee. 491 00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:23,810 - No. 492 00:18:23,853 --> 00:18:26,188 See you in 30 years, Banks. 493 00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:29,130 - It's already, like, turning itself. 494 00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:30,835 But I feel like I still have to turn it. 495 00:18:31,485 --> 00:18:35,281 Oh, oh, my god, mustard just came out my nose. 496 00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:39,535 Oh, it's burning the backs of my eyes. 497 00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:41,387 All right, I gotta go back to work, bye. 498 00:18:41,412 --> 00:18:42,747 - Okay, all right. 499 00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:44,582 Ah, it's burning my face now. 500 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:53,215 - All right, I'm putting you on probationary approval. 501 00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:55,092 - Okay, I don't really care. 502 00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:56,778 - I'll tell you what changed my mind, Criss: 503 00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,322 A conversation I had with Tracy Jordan. 504 00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:01,307 You see, greatness can come from anywhere. 505 00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:04,602 So if a poor boy from Boston can become me, 506 00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:05,894 maybe you could become 507 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,272 a suitable sex partner for Liz Lemon. 508 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,775 You've got three months. 509 00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:12,777 - But your opinion doesn't matter. 510 00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:15,112 You have no say in this. 511 00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:26,749 - Liz, there's something wrong with Pete. 512 00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:28,750 Oh, my god! 513 00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:30,169 - I don't know what happened. 514 00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:31,688 - Pete, I have been out there putting 515 00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:32,731 out fires all day while you've been 516 00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:34,131 hiding in here doing this? 517 00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:36,384 You're disgusting. 518 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:39,679 - No, no, I was... I didn't... I... 519 00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:41,222 Kelsey Grammer! 520 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,099 Kelsey Grammer did this to me. 521 00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:44,391 - Really, Pete? 522 00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:46,394 Kelsey Grammer made you do this 523 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:51,107 while he was performing his one man show about Abraham Lincoln? 524 00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:53,275 Ugh. 525 00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:55,367 - Here's to another successful operation by... 526 00:19:55,653 --> 00:19:57,655 The best friends gang. 527 00:19:58,989 --> 00:19:59,573 - Hang on. 528 00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:00,408 I didn't notice before with all 529 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,368 the excitement, but... 530 00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:04,412 I look incredibly beautiful. 531 00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,497 The lighting is back to normal. 532 00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:08,749 - Both switches need to be on, woman. 533 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,418 - The bulb wasn't even broken? 534 00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:18,710 None of this was necessary. 535 00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:24,890 - I know... 536 00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:27,101 I've been successfully assassinated. 537 00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,521 But I have one last thing to tell my country. 538 00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:34,650 Blackbeard's gold is buried in... 539 00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:44,827 - I am a ghost now, 540 00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:48,414 leaving behind my earthly possessions. 541 00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:52,042 And although I left my country divided by war, 542 00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:55,045 a civil war... 543 00:20:55,337 --> 00:20:57,882 - So that's where that name came from. 544 00:20:58,174 --> 00:21:01,552 - I know that future generations will forge a stronger country 545 00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:05,931 and that some day, america will be a place 546 00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:08,893 where everybody knows your name.