1 00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:05,631 - There she is. 2 00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:06,923 Whore of whores! 3 00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:08,759 My Frankie could have any woman on earth, 4 00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:10,135 and he chose you? - Ma! 5 00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:11,803 What are you doing here? 6 00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:14,014 Why can't you just be happy that I'm happy... 7 00:00:14,306 --> 00:00:15,866 With Liz? - Can I just say one sentence? 8 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,685 - Dio mio, I'm an old fool. What is wrong with me? 9 00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:20,145 My boy's in love! 10 00:00:20,437 --> 00:00:21,437 Oh! 11 00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,482 Come over for dinner. Tonight. 12 00:00:23,774 --> 00:00:26,818 Do you like ox, Liz? I'll defrost an ox for you. 13 00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:30,197 Mwah! Mush! Eh! 14 00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:32,950 Oh... oh! 15 00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:35,077 - Look, if the situation was reversed, 16 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,009 you know I'd pretend to be your boyfriend. 17 00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:39,373 - I have a boyfriend. In Canada. 18 00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:41,959 Seriously. Criss is in Canada for the week. 19 00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:43,491 And I can't be your girlfriend, 20 00:00:43,752 --> 00:00:45,379 'cause I'm not an old pedophile. 21 00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:47,256 - We prefer the term adultophobe. 22 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,466 - Lynn, what is going on here? 23 00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:51,718 - Well, I'm hiding from Sylvia. 24 00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:53,845 I got really good at hiding in prison 25 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:55,472 and making wine in my toilet. 26 00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:57,724 - Does your mom not know you guys are together? 27 00:00:58,016 --> 00:01:00,269 It's been a year. - Sylvia doesn't approve of me. 28 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,396 No one can remember why anymore. 29 00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:04,481 - You were his teacher, and you seduced him. 30 00:01:04,773 --> 00:01:06,834 - Look, here's what happened. My mom was snooping in my room, 31 00:01:06,858 --> 00:01:09,987 'cause she loves me, and she found a letter. 32 00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:13,657 - Look what I found in your pornography collection... 33 00:01:13,949 --> 00:01:14,968 A love letter. Who sent this to you? 34 00:01:14,992 --> 00:01:15,993 Who is "I"? 35 00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:18,245 - So you told her "I" was me? 36 00:01:18,537 --> 00:01:20,223 - Liz, we just need you to go along with this 37 00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:21,790 until... I don't know, my mom dies. 38 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:22,791 - Or I die. 39 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,544 - No. I'm not helping to protect this. 40 00:01:25,836 --> 00:01:28,213 It's creepy. - This is creepy? 41 00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:30,400 In prison, I was part of a fake family with a bald woman, 42 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:33,552 and our son was a basketball with a wig on it, 43 00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:35,554 but... okay. Um, this is creepy. 44 00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:37,115 - Frank, tell your mother the truth, 45 00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:39,308 'cause living a lie will eat you up inside. 46 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:43,103 Like that parasite I got from eating Sushi on amtrak. 47 00:01:45,897 --> 00:01:53,897 ♪ ♪ 48 00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:05,018 - That's quite a suit, Kenneth. - Thank you, sir. 49 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,877 All my suits are my late father's... 50 00:02:07,169 --> 00:02:08,754 Mr... 51 00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,464 That's weird. 52 00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:12,716 - Kenneth, since you've left the page program, 53 00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:15,469 finding you a new position here has been 54 00:02:15,761 --> 00:02:17,721 one of the most difficult challenges of my career. 55 00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:19,848 And I'm including making it through the '80s 56 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,017 without having sex with Belinda Carlisle. 57 00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:23,352 - I know, sir, 58 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,084 but I just couldn't work in ad sales. 59 00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:26,897 We have far too many sponsors 60 00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:28,690 that make housework easier for women. 61 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:31,443 - That's why I'm putting you in the standards department. 62 00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:34,363 You'll be responsible for keeping the airwaves free 63 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,175 of content that might offend any group. 64 00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:38,033 It's a good starting place, but Kenneth, 65 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:40,005 if you wanna make it in the business world, 66 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,621 you can't be so... Morally stubborn. 67 00:02:42,913 --> 00:02:44,373 There are Gray areas. 68 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:45,791 - Oh, no, sir. 69 00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:47,584 There's always a right and wrong. 70 00:02:47,876 --> 00:02:50,671 Before he died, my father gave me a piece of advice. 71 00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:53,423 "Son, if you wanna get ahead in this world... 72 00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:57,844 Oh, god, this hurts... Tell your mother I'm gay." 73 00:02:58,136 --> 00:03:01,014 - Nerf rifle. Mass effect 3. 74 00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:03,100 What else do we need for, uh, research? 75 00:03:03,392 --> 00:03:05,119 - Well, I need the deutsche grammophon box set 76 00:03:05,143 --> 00:03:06,687 for my opera sketch. - An opera? 77 00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:08,164 Is there singing? Because I sing. 78 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,668 Tracy doesn't sing, so I should do it. 79 00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:11,459 The audience expects it. I'll sleep with you. 80 00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:14,027 - No, Jenna, none of this stuff is really for sketches. 81 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,631 We're just saying that so we can charge it all to the show. 82 00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:19,491 It's the perfect crime... As long as Pete never finds out. 83 00:03:19,783 --> 00:03:20,783 - Who drank this? 84 00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:23,412 This is the scotch I was saving for my birthday. 85 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:24,972 Someone with a key to my office, 86 00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:28,333 a janitor or a security guard or some black... 87 00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:31,294 Hearted individual, probably white, 88 00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:34,214 has ruined the Hornberger hang 89 00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:37,467 for all of us! 90 00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:39,386 - Let's get forensics in here. 91 00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:41,038 Have the techs lift a latent print, 92 00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:42,639 and run it against AFIS. 93 00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:44,171 Maybe the perp's in the system. 94 00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:45,767 - Wow, J-Mo, you sound like a cop, 95 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:47,059 and I should know. 96 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,020 My uncle was a cop... In a porno. 97 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:51,356 - Tracy, every blond actress in the business 98 00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:53,859 has done a pilot about a tough but pretty lady cop 99 00:03:54,151 --> 00:03:55,151 with special abilities. 100 00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:56,820 Mine was called Goodlooking. 101 00:03:57,112 --> 00:03:58,905 I played Alexis Goodlooking 102 00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,240 who was also good-looking, 103 00:04:00,532 --> 00:04:05,954 and my special ability was being good at looking for clues. 104 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:07,366 Let's get forensics in here. 105 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:08,683 Have the techs lift a latent print, 106 00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:09,707 and run it against AFIS. 107 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:11,918 Maybe the perp's in the system. 108 00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:13,810 Unlike my husband's killer, who got away, 109 00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,255 and it haunts me. 110 00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:16,547 - You know what? 111 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:17,841 We should use your skills 112 00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:19,652 to solve the case of Pete's missing booze. 113 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:20,996 - That was a long time ago, Tracy. 114 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:22,387 My detective days are over. 115 00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:23,679 - You sure about that? 116 00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,932 Because like all black actors, 117 00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:28,810 I have a lot of experience with playing a wise black fellow 118 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,688 who gets reluctant white people to do things. 119 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:33,899 Well... 120 00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:36,151 I'm just an old fool, of course, 121 00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,737 and I don't know much about politics or the like. 122 00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:41,865 But I do know america's kinda like this here 123 00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:44,117 crab apple tree... 124 00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:45,619 John Fitzgerald Kennedy. 125 00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:47,829 - All right, I'll do it. 126 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,998 Let's ride, partner. 127 00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,083 Whoop! 128 00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:54,753 - I have some real problems 129 00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:56,463 with this law & order SVU script. 130 00:04:56,755 --> 00:04:59,466 We can't say "dick wolf" on TV. 131 00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:02,135 - Listen up, standards and practices. 132 00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:04,107 I just had an emergency meeting with legal, 133 00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,541 and we can no longer use the words 134 00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:08,642 "hit, great show, fun," or "broadcast television." 135 00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:09,935 Now, Kenneth... 136 00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:13,230 - Mr. Donaghy, Bradley Tarkin, junior compliance associate. 137 00:05:13,522 --> 00:05:15,982 We met last year at your completely silent presentation 138 00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:16,900 on the power of eye contact. 139 00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:21,321 - Ah, yes. I believe it was entitled... 140 00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:23,573 - I was just an intern then, 141 00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:25,145 but afterwards, I got you to sign 142 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,219 my first edition of Jack attack. 143 00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:28,245 - You know, the first edition has a typo. 144 00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:30,417 When I took over microwaves, I said to the team, 145 00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:31,865 "by the end of this quarter," 146 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:34,018 "we're all gonna be in the black... comma... guys." 147 00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:35,794 Not, "we're all gonna be in the black guys." 148 00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:37,838 Anyway, nice to meet you again, Bradley. 149 00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:39,673 Uh, Kenneth, a word. 150 00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:42,884 - Balloon! 151 00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:48,001 - Kenneth, you are now officially 152 00:05:48,223 --> 00:05:49,724 in the business world. 153 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,643 Bradley is trying to destroy you. 154 00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:53,270 Destroy me? 155 00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,689 He's the best friend I've ever had, 156 00:05:55,981 --> 00:05:57,315 tied with everyone I've ever met. 157 00:05:57,607 --> 00:06:00,026 - Kenneth, if you learn one thing from me, it's this: 158 00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:01,903 In business, you have no friends. 159 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,780 Let me tell you a little story. 160 00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:06,950 There was once a man named... Henry Warren. 161 00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:09,286 Henry pretended to be my friend, 162 00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:12,706 but he turned out to be my very first Nemesis. 163 00:06:12,998 --> 00:06:14,833 - We got the contract! 164 00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:16,686 We're gonna make the bottles for new coke. 165 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,479 And I'm gonna make sure you get all the credit. 166 00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:19,629 - Aces! 167 00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,840 Let's do some cocaine. 168 00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,884 My friendship with Henry was a lie. 169 00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:26,678 We were just waiting for the chance to destroy the other one. 170 00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,805 - But Bradley gave me my nickname. 171 00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:29,681 "Susan." 172 00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:31,182 Like "lazy Susan," 173 00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:33,351 'cause I'm lazy and effeminate. 174 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:35,812 - Bradley is dangerous. Last year he was an intern. 175 00:06:36,104 --> 00:06:37,624 Now he's a junior compliance associate. 176 00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:39,858 How did he get promoted so quickly? 177 00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:42,986 I signed his book. He had my signature. 178 00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:46,031 He probably put it on a forged letter of recommendation. 179 00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:48,366 - Ooh, sir. That's awfully paranoid. 180 00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:49,826 - Exactly. "Paranoid," 181 00:06:50,118 --> 00:06:51,953 from the Greek "para" meaning "beside," 182 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:54,289 and "noid," which is some sort of a... 183 00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,458 Pizza demon! No, that can't be right. 184 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,644 The point is, you've got to be paranoid, Kenneth. 185 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,187 You've gotta go in there and crush Bradley 186 00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:01,671 like I crushed Henry Warren. 187 00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:04,090 - But I've never crushed anyone 188 00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:05,759 except accused witches. 189 00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:08,595 Get in there! 190 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,769 - Be cool, be cool, be cool. - How did you get in here? 191 00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:17,938 - Oh, Frank said you couldn't come to dinner 192 00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:19,498 because you weren't feeling well. 193 00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:20,962 But I know the best thing for a fever 194 00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:23,902 is food, wine, and cheek pinching! 195 00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:25,320 So I packed everything up, 196 00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:27,465 prayed to the patron Saint of locked apartments, 197 00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:29,783 and here we are. - No. Absolutely n... 198 00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:31,952 - you don't have a say in this! Now, lie down. 199 00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:33,954 While I'm here, you do nothing. 200 00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:35,330 As we say in Italy... 201 00:07:41,169 --> 00:07:42,963 Eat an arancine. 202 00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:51,513 I love our little family. 203 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,016 - Pete? 204 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,810 Yeah, I saw him earlier today. 205 00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:58,102 Why? Something wrong? 206 00:07:58,353 --> 00:07:59,479 - Someone drank his scotch. 207 00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:00,998 You wouldn't know anything about that, would you? 208 00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:02,022 - Why would I? 209 00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,484 I was gonna drink it with him on his birthday. 210 00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:06,486 - Okay, but if you think of anything, 211 00:08:06,778 --> 00:08:08,697 use this phone as a reminder to call us. 212 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,240 I may not pick up, 213 00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:12,075 'cause I lost my phone just now. 214 00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:14,202 - If you think of anything, 215 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,162 call us. 216 00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:19,332 - Hang on. This chair's been moved. 217 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,545 Read him his rights. 218 00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,837 I should tell my husband I'm gonna be late tonight. 219 00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:29,342 No, wait, I can't. He's dead. 220 00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:33,388 Hang on. 221 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:36,016 The trash was moved. 222 00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,311 Hiding something, Mr. Lutz? 223 00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:43,690 - Okay. I drank it. We all drank it. 224 00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:46,182 We wanted booze, but we didn't wanna hang out with Pete. 225 00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:47,569 It's the worst! 226 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,380 He always brings out his guitar and sings. 227 00:08:49,404 --> 00:08:51,531 He's got one story, and it's about him 228 00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:53,616 seeing Phil donahue at a mall. 229 00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:56,745 - Now comes the worst part. 230 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,705 The paperwork. 231 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,169 - What's wrong, Susan? 232 00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,838 - Mr. Pfister just took me to the woodshed, 233 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:09,010 which I didn't even realize could be a metaphor. 234 00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:11,426 I guess I signed off on a script 235 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:14,929 where an Asian character refers to "Rindsay Rohan" 236 00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:16,806 posing for "prayboy." 237 00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:19,809 But I know that's very offensive. 238 00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:21,941 Especially because asians are under-represented 239 00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:23,396 on this network. - Exactly. 240 00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:24,189 If there are more actors of Asian descent... 241 00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:25,641 - shut up! Just shut up, Roy! 242 00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,585 - I am talking to Kenneth. - I'm dealing with something! 243 00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:30,070 - No one wants to hear from you. 244 00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:31,797 - I don't even remember reading that script. 245 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:34,699 - It's... your signature on the memo. 246 00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,659 - That does look like my "x." 247 00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:38,036 - Susan, as a friend, 248 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:41,039 quit before they fire you. 249 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,584 - Your meatballs are good! 250 00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:46,252 Like Ikea good! 251 00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:48,379 Is there parmesan in this? 252 00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,590 And Lemon. And a little fennel? 253 00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:52,592 - Are you sure you're not Italian, Liz? 254 00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:54,135 Maybe from the north? 255 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,638 That's where the vampires used to live. 256 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,765 What's the matter, Frank? You're so quiet! 257 00:09:59,057 --> 00:10:02,060 You're sitting at dinner next to a beautiful older woman. 258 00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:04,562 Eat something and kiss her! 259 00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:11,736 - No! I can't do this. 260 00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:14,739 Ma, Liz isn't the "I" in that letter. 261 00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:18,618 It's... Lynn Onkman. 262 00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:21,412 - Elizabeth, I'm gonna ask you to leave. 263 00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:23,456 - But this is my... 264 00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:27,043 - I don't think Bradley's my friend. 265 00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:29,546 - I hate to say, "told ya," because it reminds me 266 00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:31,631 of my one-night stand with Nikki Finke. 267 00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,842 - He's trying to get me fired. What do I do? 268 00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:35,468 Pray for a body switch mix-up 269 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,138 so we can see the world from each other's perspectives? 270 00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:40,348 - No. You destroy him. 271 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,640 With this. 272 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:43,977 I did some research. 273 00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:46,563 And unlike what he wrote on his application, 274 00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:49,440 Bradley never graduated from Syracuse. 275 00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:52,193 He's four credits shy of a degree in bro studies. 276 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,988 You slip this transcript under your Manager's door, 277 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:56,280 and he's fired. 278 00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:57,782 - No! I can't do that. 279 00:10:58,074 --> 00:10:59,409 It's wrong! 280 00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:01,101 - If you don't get him, he gets you. 281 00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:02,370 And that little snake 282 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,056 keeps slithering up the corporate ladder 283 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,480 instead of a good man like yourself. 284 00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:08,001 Kenneth, sometimes you've gotta get your hands dirty 285 00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:09,711 for the good of company... 286 00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,546 And country. 287 00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:14,841 - My two favorite kinds of music. 288 00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:19,262 - Hey, everybody's just sitting around in there 289 00:11:19,554 --> 00:11:21,264 waiting for you two to shoot promos. 290 00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:23,558 Thank god I've got my awesome Phil donahue story. 291 00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:26,010 - Pete, there's been a development in the whiskey case. 292 00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:27,520 - What? No! Forget the whiskey! 293 00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:29,856 Look, all I wanted to do was hang with my friends, 294 00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:31,148 rock some jams, 295 00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:33,476 and tell the story about my cousin seeing Phil donahue. 296 00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:35,653 I mean me! I-I'm the one who saw him. 297 00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:38,031 - We just wanted to tell you... 298 00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:42,160 We don't know what happened to your whiskey. 299 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:44,787 - What was that? 300 00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:46,956 - He doesn't need to know how it went down. 301 00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:48,328 It would hurt him too much. 302 00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:50,460 I broke the number one rule of being on the force. 303 00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:52,062 - Don't fall in love with your car? 304 00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:53,880 - No. I let it get personal. 305 00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:55,172 - You're right. 306 00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:56,549 The car thing is stupid. 307 00:11:56,841 --> 00:11:58,676 - The thing is, the writers got away with it. 308 00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:00,970 - So what are we gonna do about it? 309 00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:03,139 - We're goin' rogue. 310 00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:04,974 Hey. 311 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:06,726 Sorry about last night. 312 00:12:07,018 --> 00:12:07,685 - Yeah. I had to sleep here. 313 00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:09,337 You know, they turned the heat off. 314 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,324 If I hadn't found that other blanket, I'd... 315 00:12:11,606 --> 00:12:13,024 Wait, where'd it go? 316 00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:14,943 Oh, god. It was mice! 317 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,528 The blanket was mice! 318 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,781 So... what happened with Sylvia? 319 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:20,740 - You were right, Liz. 320 00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:22,700 Lying to my mom was stressing me out. 321 00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:24,953 I mean, I haven't gained weight in months. 322 00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:26,245 It wasn't worth it. 323 00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,039 - So what, you broke up with Lynn? 324 00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:29,791 - Just promise me... - Here. 325 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,252 - That you'll take care of yourself. 326 00:12:32,543 --> 00:12:34,337 Don't let Liz work you too hard. 327 00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:36,256 I do really hate her. 328 00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:37,882 I think she's a terrible person. 329 00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:39,854 - First of all, why were you in my bedroom, 330 00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:42,345 and why would you tell me that part of the conversation? 331 00:12:42,637 --> 00:12:44,698 - It's the only part where we weren't having break-up sex. 332 00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:46,432 - Come on! - Look, I'm sorry. 333 00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:49,310 And I appreciate everything you did, so... 334 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:50,645 I made you some meatballs. 335 00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:52,021 It's my mom's recipe. 336 00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:53,856 - So you're sure you're okay? - Yeah. 337 00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:55,858 Definitely. With all this behind me, 338 00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:58,194 I'm... happy. Thanks. 339 00:12:58,486 --> 00:12:59,838 Eat them now! 340 00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:01,698 - Quiet. I do the talking. 341 00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:07,370 - Henry. 342 00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:08,788 Henry Warren? 343 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,498 - Henry Warren-Chang. 344 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,418 I married a very bossy Chinese lady. 345 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,586 - What on earth are you doing here? 346 00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:17,714 Please, sit down. - Ha-ha. Thank you. 347 00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:21,050 - I haven't seen you since the 1985 G.E. talent show 348 00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:23,136 when I convinced you to sing monster mash, 349 00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:24,708 knowing full well that Jack Welch 350 00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,889 is terrified of monsters, and I ended your career. 351 00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:28,141 - Not "ended." 352 00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:29,892 Ha-ha. Doing quite well, actually. 353 00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:32,895 In publishing now. Encyclopedias. 354 00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:35,148 I wanted to stop by because a young man 355 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,609 named Kenneth Parcell came to my office this afternoon. 356 00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:40,611 - Oh, he did? What did he want? 357 00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:42,863 - He wanted to find out if my life turned out okay 358 00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:43,947 after you took me down. 359 00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:46,235 Because he's afraid he might have to do the same thing 360 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:47,452 to someone else. 361 00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:49,787 - And what did you tell him? - I told him the truth. 362 00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:51,122 I'm great. 363 00:13:51,414 --> 00:13:53,207 I lease a certified pre-owned Lexus, 364 00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:54,876 both my sons are magicians, 365 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,210 and for my birthday, 366 00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,629 Wei-Lin got me tickets to the Broadway show Memphis. 367 00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:01,507 - So... - Wow. 368 00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:03,968 - And I see that you've done very well for yourself. 369 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:07,472 - Well, that sofa is made from sea biscuit. 370 00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:12,602 - Well... We're both very impressive. 371 00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:14,395 But at what cost, Jack? 372 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:16,567 The first couple months that we worked together, 373 00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:17,607 we were good friends, 374 00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:19,619 and then we turned against each other and... 375 00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:21,496 - oh, come on, Henry. We were never friends. 376 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:24,197 We were pretending so we could learn each other's weaknesses 377 00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:25,990 and then... Exploit them. 378 00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:27,562 - But what about all the dinners? 379 00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:29,744 I mean, we talked for hours. 380 00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:32,080 - I was gathering information. - All right. 381 00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:33,812 What about the drive up to pittsfield 382 00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:35,434 when we stopped at Sturbridge Village? 383 00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:36,501 Remember? We had fun. 384 00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:38,169 We saw a candle being made. 385 00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:41,130 - I didn't really care about that candle, Henry. 386 00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:42,982 I don't even remember what color it was. 387 00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:46,469 - Regular white-tan candle color, Jack! 388 00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:48,179 You know what? 389 00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:50,056 I really feel sorry for Kenneth Parcell, 390 00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:52,076 because you're gonna beat all that's good out of him 391 00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:55,019 and turn him into another paranoid corporate killer. 392 00:14:57,438 --> 00:14:58,878 - I remember our trip to Hilton head. 393 00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:00,525 - That wasn't me! 394 00:15:04,153 --> 00:15:08,324 - Take a seat, 'cause no one's going anywhere. 395 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,803 - We know you all drank Pete's scotch... 396 00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:13,287 So here's how we're gonna play it. 397 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:16,082 You're gonna hang out with Pete every night this week. 398 00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:17,374 - Why would we do that? 399 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,478 - 'Cause we have you dead to rights, you black bastard! 400 00:15:19,502 --> 00:15:19,919 - And if you don't play along, 401 00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:21,879 we tell Pete about your little scam... 402 00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:24,048 How the show's been paying for your video games 403 00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:26,134 and nerf rifles and pornography. 404 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:27,552 That's right! 405 00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:29,884 We know you ordered a porn version of temple grandin 406 00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:32,432 entitled ten Poles rammed in. 407 00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:34,559 You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. 408 00:15:34,851 --> 00:15:36,269 - Let's get outta here, Maroney. 409 00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:39,313 The sight of these people plus the crayons I ate earlier 410 00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:42,608 make me sick. 411 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,447 - ♪ Sing us a song, you're the guitar man ♪ 412 00:15:47,738 --> 00:15:50,283 ♪ and this is Pete's birthday night ♪ 413 00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:52,368 - Any mysteries that need solving, Liz? 414 00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:54,036 - Actually, yes. - What happened? 415 00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:56,008 Who attacked you and gave you that haircut? 416 00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:58,916 - No, it's these meatballs. They don't taste right. 417 00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:00,418 There's an extra ingredient. 418 00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:02,795 It's something familiar. 419 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:08,551 P.S. I love you is so sad. 420 00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:10,845 No one should have to be married 421 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:12,430 to Gerard Butler. 422 00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:16,350 Or hilary swank! 423 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,397 It's tears! 424 00:16:21,689 --> 00:16:23,107 Frank was crying when he made these. 425 00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:25,735 Oh, he lied! He's miserable. 426 00:16:26,027 --> 00:16:28,529 - But I don't understand. He seemed so happy earlier. 427 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:29,864 - Forget it, Tracy. 428 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,241 It's midtown. 429 00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:39,540 - Kenneth, don't do it. 430 00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:43,461 You can't destroy Bradley, you... Innocent goon. 431 00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:45,463 You're the most remarkable person I know, 432 00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:47,089 and I've met Jaleel White. 433 00:16:47,381 --> 00:16:48,799 Incredibly charismatic. 434 00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:50,931 He makes Stefan Urquelle look like Steve Urkel. 435 00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:53,429 - But my career. - Forget about your career. 436 00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:55,640 I'd rather see you get fired and lease a car 437 00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:58,309 than watch you turn into someone like me. 438 00:16:58,601 --> 00:16:59,761 Now, give me that transcript. 439 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,896 - So you're trying to help me. 440 00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,065 - Of course I am, Kenneth. I'm your friend. 441 00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,609 - It's just... The other day you said in business 442 00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:08,486 I have no friends, 443 00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:10,655 and you were right about Bradley, 444 00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:12,657 so what does that say about you? 445 00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:15,618 Maybe you're afraid I will become you. 446 00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,787 I'll climb that corporate ladder 447 00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:20,206 until I eventually take your job. 448 00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:21,832 And then where will you be? 449 00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:23,167 Out on your ass 450 00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:25,461 like stone mountain's mailman 451 00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:28,089 riding his trusty donkey erasmus. 452 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:31,467 - Wow. That is some high-level paranoid thinking. 453 00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:34,762 Like Hitler... Or Willy Wonka. 454 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,931 If you're thinking that way, 455 00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:41,310 then I'm... Already too late. 456 00:17:57,868 --> 00:17:59,596 - Why are you keeping me late to write the cold open? 457 00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:02,039 - Well, you know politics. - I don't know anything. 458 00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:04,542 I get all my news from the radio in Grand Theft Auto. 459 00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:06,002 - Frankie! Are you okay? 460 00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:08,294 La Donna di scoregge called and said you were sick, 461 00:18:08,462 --> 00:18:09,942 so I came by to make you chicken soup. 462 00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:12,341 Where can I kill this? - Wait... Liz called you? 463 00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:14,719 - No. She called me. - You! 464 00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:18,014 How dare you? Get out of my Liz's office. 465 00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:20,066 - You said Frank wanted to get back together. 466 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,268 - Why would you tell her that? I said I was happy. 467 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,937 - You lied... you're miserable. You cried in my food! 468 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,773 Sylvia, your son is not sick. 469 00:18:28,065 --> 00:18:29,483 And Lynn, Frank didn't actually say 470 00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:31,235 that he wanted to get back together. 471 00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:34,030 - So I wore my sexy underwear for nothing? 472 00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:35,031 - I'll kill you! 473 00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:37,450 - Ma'am, I am in a Mexican prison gang. 474 00:18:37,742 --> 00:18:40,328 You kill me, los tiberones will green-light a 1 -8-7 on you, 475 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:41,888 and you don't want that kind of heat. 476 00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,372 - Sylvia, your son is not happy. 477 00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:45,344 And not that you care, but neither is Lynn. 478 00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:46,977 - Oh, that's true. When Liz called me, 479 00:18:47,001 --> 00:18:48,794 I was getting this tattoo. 480 00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:50,880 I'm not creative. 481 00:18:51,172 --> 00:18:52,941 - And believe me, I get it. This shouldn't work. 482 00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,550 I mean, how they met is disgusting. 483 00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:56,385 Their age difference is just weird. 484 00:18:56,677 --> 00:18:58,262 They shouldn't go together. 485 00:18:58,554 --> 00:18:59,990 But you know what else shouldn't go together? 486 00:19:00,014 --> 00:19:04,477 Veal, fennel, Lemon, cheese, and pork. 487 00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,854 That's right. Your meatballs. 488 00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,689 Lynn and Frank... 489 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:13,653 Are just as good as your meatballs. 490 00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:16,322 - That's it? We're meatballs? 491 00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,294 That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. 492 00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:19,867 Do you have any idea 493 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,827 what I've been through for love? 494 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:23,621 Public humiliation. 495 00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:27,083 Johnny Carson in his monologue said I was looking at 20 years, 496 00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:30,127 but I'd probably be more attracted to 12. 497 00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:32,755 I mean, that's an okay joke, but it hurt. 498 00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:35,341 And then prison, where we only had one movie 499 00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:38,302 with dabney Coleman and the kid from E.T.? 500 00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:40,262 - Cloak & dagger? - Shut up, Liz. 501 00:19:40,554 --> 00:19:42,473 I lost my house, my life, 502 00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:44,809 but it has all been worth it. 503 00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:47,645 I mean, even if I never see Frank again, it was worth it. 504 00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:50,940 And you call us meatballs! 505 00:19:51,232 --> 00:19:52,233 Elizabeth, 506 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:55,361 I'm gonna ask you to leave. 507 00:19:57,613 --> 00:19:59,216 - Okay, but if you look at my Internet history, 508 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:04,578 I'm researching a movie about two male centaurs kissing. 509 00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:07,123 - Oh... I was wrong. 510 00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:09,495 This isn't creepy because you're dating your teacher. 511 00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:11,670 This is creepy because you're dating your mother. 512 00:20:11,794 --> 00:20:13,379 You found someone just like me 513 00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:16,132 because I'm the woman you really wanna be with! 514 00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:17,758 - 'Cause you're the best! 515 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:20,761 Lynn and Sylvia: Oh, Frankie, you're the best. 516 00:20:23,514 --> 00:20:25,808 - Oh, my big family. 517 00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:29,812 - ♪ And Phil donahue's walking past cinnabon ♪ 518 00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:33,274 ♪ and he's making eye contact with me ♪ 519 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:36,610 ♪ I can tell by his smile that he'll stay for a while ♪ 520 00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:40,364 ♪ and say, "Pete, you're who I wanna be" ♪ 521 00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:44,577 - Well, maybe I never did go to college 522 00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:45,949 or travel around the world. 523 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,747 So I don't know much about worldly things 524 00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:50,708 like taco meat and having all your fingers. 525 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,960 Lord knows some of my friends are just shrubs 526 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:56,046 I put hats on and get high with. 527 00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:59,091 My wife had two of the president's babies, 528 00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:00,593 and you're one of 'em. 529 00:21:00,885 --> 00:21:02,344 I can tell you one thing... 530 00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:04,889 I'm gonna kill all y'all in y'all sleep. 531 00:21:05,181 --> 00:21:08,267 Now, I don't know nothing about no literature or history, 532 00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:10,311 but I'll tell you what I do know. 533 00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:13,522 This movie was written by white nerds. 534 00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:14,814 Cut!