1 00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:05,839 - I finished my Kabletown self-evaluation. 2 00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:07,382 Nailed it. 3 00:00:07,674 --> 00:00:09,635 - "My greatest weakness is humility. 4 00:00:09,927 --> 00:00:12,127 I'm probably the most humble person in the whole world." 5 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:12,638 - I wrote that. 6 00:00:12,930 --> 00:00:14,723 - These self-evaluations are a charade. 7 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:18,227 People cannot be impartial about themselves. 8 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,521 You should read what some of your coworkers wrote. 9 00:00:20,812 --> 00:00:23,023 - What three words best describe me? 10 00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:26,318 The. Complete. Package. 11 00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:30,572 - My greatest weakness... Is chocolate. 12 00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,325 - Surprisingly the only person who was honest was Jenna. 13 00:00:33,617 --> 00:00:34,617 "Strengths: None. 14 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,371 "I am the worst person I know. 15 00:00:37,663 --> 00:00:39,682 "When I used to live with Liz, I would videotape her sleeping 16 00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:41,375 and sell it to Japanese businessmen"? 17 00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:44,378 No wonder that tour group kept calling me "sleep whore-San." 18 00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:45,670 - Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 19 00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:46,837 Don't read that. 20 00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:47,631 I filled it out last night 21 00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:51,301 after mixing alcohol with prescription... Exhaustion. 22 00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:52,636 I need to redo it. 23 00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:54,572 - I can't believe I have to read all of these. 24 00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:56,265 This is the biggest waste of time 25 00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,642 since NBC's diversity writing program. 26 00:00:58,934 --> 00:01:01,728 That was a good idea, but all of our actors are so white. 27 00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,647 - Slap it to me, daddy-o. 28 00:01:03,939 --> 00:01:06,066 - Po-po popped dookie down by the vacants. 29 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:17,160 ♪ ♪ 30 00:01:32,009 --> 00:01:33,361 - This is Jenna. What are you wearing? 31 00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:34,487 Jenna, love, 32 00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:37,014 it's English director Christopher Nolan. 33 00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:39,057 - Mr. Nolan, I saw you across the room 34 00:01:39,349 --> 00:01:40,368 at the dark Knight premiere. 35 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:42,152 I was shooting blow darts at Maggie Gyllenhal 36 00:01:42,185 --> 00:01:43,185 from a heating vent. 37 00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:44,771 - Yes. How would you like 38 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:47,941 to be in my next movie? 39 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:49,233 - I quit this show! 40 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,777 To hell with you all! 41 00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:51,570 Go to hell! 42 00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,196 - I just need you to do a quick 43 00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:54,823 camera test for me. 44 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:58,327 - I do not understand Christopher Nolan's methods. 45 00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,412 He's directing a live-action smurfs sequel, 46 00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:03,206 so I went to Times Square, did cartwheels like he asked... 47 00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:03,832 - oh, boy. 48 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,751 - We got the whole thing on tape. 49 00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:07,294 - This was a prank? 50 00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:08,670 This isn't body paint. 51 00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:11,214 It's a spray they use to kill geese at airports. 52 00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:12,215 - What happened, J-Mo? 53 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:14,635 Did you pass out in a goose costume at LaGuardia? 54 00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:18,096 - Ugh, what is that smell, Tracy? 55 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:19,973 - It's the new fragrance I designed. 56 00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:21,265 It's called "desire," 57 00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:22,952 but with a "z" instead of the second "e." 58 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,454 - What is that supposed to smell like? 59 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:25,479 - All my favorite things. 60 00:02:25,771 --> 00:02:28,857 The Knicks, a mop from a strip club, a carefree hobo, 61 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,276 a crate with a new giraffe in it, and broccoli. 62 00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:32,611 - It smells disgusting. 63 00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:33,903 - Yeah, I wouldn't know. 64 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,614 I lost my sense of smell years ago. 65 00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:38,742 But when one sense goes away, the others make up for it. 66 00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:41,119 I have an incredible sense of touch. 67 00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:44,498 I feel an old Jack-o-lantern from last Halloween. 68 00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:46,583 - Are you serious? 69 00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:47,875 You can't smell? 70 00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:49,252 Why haven't you been to a doctor? 71 00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:50,544 - Who has the time, 72 00:02:50,796 --> 00:02:54,007 with work, family and hobbies and listing excuses? 73 00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:56,551 Oh, my. 74 00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:58,679 It smells like grandma's house at Christmas. 75 00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:02,974 That's when we found her dead on the toilet. 76 00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:05,936 - Pete, I spent the morning going over 77 00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:08,438 these Kabletown self-evaluations. 78 00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,399 Your evaluation gave me pause. 79 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:11,274 - Are you sure? 80 00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:14,653 Those look like hands to me. 81 00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:15,945 - Here's the problem. 82 00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:16,613 In answer to the question, 83 00:03:16,905 --> 00:03:18,545 "where do you see yourself in five years?" 84 00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:20,200 You wrote, "right where I am." 85 00:03:20,492 --> 00:03:22,661 That's an unacceptable answer. 86 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,639 I mean, what if the Wright brothers had said, 87 00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:26,248 "let's just keep making bicycles," 88 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,583 or Alexander Windowblinds had said, 89 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:31,002 "no, I don't want to partially see outside"? 90 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:32,605 - Yeah... no, I get what you're saying, 91 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:34,339 but I'm Pete Hornberger. 92 00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:36,431 The last time I tried to put myself out there, 93 00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:38,135 the girl turned out to be a cop. 94 00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:40,363 - Do you understand how this attitude reflects on me? 95 00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,013 I am also required to complete 96 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:44,015 one of these inane self-evaluations. 97 00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:45,307 It's a farce. 98 00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:46,476 - What? Like Frasier? 99 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,478 But that's fun... 100 00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:50,248 - but I can't say I'm succeeding as a Manager 101 00:03:50,272 --> 00:03:52,315 if you're failing as an employee. 102 00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:53,942 You have no ambition, Pete. 103 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,527 - No, no, you don't understand. 104 00:03:55,819 --> 00:03:58,488 For me, that five years thing is very ambitious. 105 00:03:58,780 --> 00:03:59,990 Look at my life, Jack. 106 00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:00,991 My father was a congressman. 107 00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:02,909 I was valedictorian at St. Andrew's, 108 00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:05,704 an olympic Archer, fourth guitarist in Loverboy... 109 00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:06,996 As a teenager. 110 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,080 It's almost unbelievable. 111 00:04:08,123 --> 00:04:08,790 - If it weren't all true, 112 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,393 I'd say it doesn't even make sense. 113 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:11,501 - But now look at me. 114 00:04:11,793 --> 00:04:13,587 The last two decades have been a freefall. 115 00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:16,631 If I could stay in the same place for the next five years, 116 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,317 that would be a huge accomplishment. 117 00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:19,402 - Do you know who you remind me of? 118 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,595 George W. Bush during his 119 00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:23,972 "let's do coke and buy the Texas rangers" phase. 120 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:27,100 But he made a decision to be the best president ever 121 00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:29,686 and then he was. 122 00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:31,938 You've lost your mojo, Pete. 123 00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:34,983 And I'm going to get it back for you. 124 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:39,362 - Well, something is definitely obstructing your sinus cavity. 125 00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:40,822 Now we have two options. 126 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,074 I can either drill a hole in the back of your head 127 00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:44,785 and push it out with your brain... 128 00:04:45,076 --> 00:04:46,495 - Okay, that sounds good. 129 00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,787 - Or I could just pull it out through your nostril. 130 00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:50,433 - We'll do the second one. Thank you. 131 00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:52,810 - You know, they don't tell you this until after you've paid 132 00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:54,711 for medical school, but being a doctor 133 00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:57,214 is exactly like the game "operation." 134 00:04:57,506 --> 00:04:58,965 And there we go. 135 00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:01,468 - My buck Rogers decoder ring! 136 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:02,904 - How long has that been in there? 137 00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:04,030 Those things are from the '70s. 138 00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:05,774 - Yeah, you know what else is from the '70s? 139 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:06,972 Women staying quiet. 140 00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:08,266 - I totally remember this. 141 00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:10,977 When I was nine, I found it on the floor of the "g" train. 142 00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:13,980 I knew if my foster mom saw it, she would make me sell it 143 00:05:14,272 --> 00:05:16,191 at a pawn shop to get our family a cheerio. 144 00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:17,794 - Okay, sometimes I think the stories 145 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,018 of your childhood poverty are exaggerated, but continue. 146 00:05:20,111 --> 00:05:21,351 - So I hid the ring up my nose. 147 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,566 I must have forgot about it. 148 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,342 - You may feel some burning and tingling, 149 00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:27,911 but you should regain normal sensation in just a few hours. 150 00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:30,497 Oh, I'm sorry, I was talking to my lover on my Bluetooth. 151 00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:31,957 Uh, one moment, Suki. 152 00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:33,625 Anyway, Tracy, you should start 153 00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,436 regaining sensation in less than an hour. 154 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:38,922 But a newly regained sense can be a very powerful thing. 155 00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:40,257 Even overwhelming. 156 00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:43,260 So if you do have an extreme reaction, 157 00:05:43,552 --> 00:05:48,849 please try to get it on video for my nephew's funny website. 158 00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:51,601 Uh, Liz, are you getting enough vitamin "c"? 159 00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:58,567 - May I suggest messily eating an orange while I photograph it? 160 00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:03,154 - Kenneth, what do you know about revenge? 161 00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:04,766 - Well, the Bible says it's wrong, 162 00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:07,284 but it's the surprise hit of the season on ABC, 163 00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:08,577 so I don't know. 164 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:11,121 Anyway, I know how busy you are, 165 00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:14,040 so I got you some more tattoo concealer. 166 00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:15,458 - Thank you. 167 00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:18,295 I just ran out. 168 00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,380 I was so young when I got this. 169 00:06:20,672 --> 00:06:22,424 Who even remembers 2007? 170 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:26,094 Wait, how did you know I was out of concealer? 171 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,638 - From your trash, Ms. Maroney. 172 00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:31,099 The garbage man knows all. 173 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:34,519 In this big trash bag, I see everyone's mistakes, 174 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,438 their embarrassing secrets, 175 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:39,649 their dreams they don't dare share with anyone. 176 00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:41,943 Oh! 177 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,320 Like this. 178 00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:45,405 - Interesting. 179 00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:46,977 Kenneth, you don't happen to have 180 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,909 the other writers' trash in there, do you? 181 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,200 - No. 182 00:06:50,285 --> 00:06:51,703 I can't handle that much volume. 183 00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:54,288 I'm kidding. 184 00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:55,957 They call me "the natural." 185 00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:57,489 I'm so good, the other janitors 186 00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:58,960 just sit in the basement all day 187 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,713 getting drunk and laughing about this idiot they know. 188 00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,924 - Oh, no. 189 00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:06,259 Kenneth, this concealer is the wrong color. 190 00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:07,928 - Oh, no. 191 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:09,220 I'll be right back. 192 00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:10,672 Keep an eye on my trash cart? 193 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,933 - Oh, I'll keep an eye on it. 194 00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,606 Look at us, laughing together, 195 00:07:19,898 --> 00:07:24,027 like a couple of Jews watching the daily show. 196 00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:35,538 - This is the gym of the New York racquet club, Pete. 197 00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:38,500 Theodore Roosevelt was a member here. 198 00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,072 In fact, many of the animal heads 199 00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:42,379 mounted downstairs were shot by T.R. 200 00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:44,649 - Including the one that looked like a terrified Asian man? 201 00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,383 - It was a different time, Pete. 202 00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:48,551 Today, the most powerful men in New York 203 00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:50,345 still come here to exercise. 204 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:53,932 And nothing is a better workout for body and soul than boxing. 205 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:56,017 It's the first sport man ever invented. 206 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,978 Except of course, uh, hide and seek. 207 00:07:58,269 --> 00:07:59,521 - Shh. 208 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:00,438 - Uh, yeah. 209 00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:06,069 Boxing is primal, Pete. 210 00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:07,070 It's exactly what you need. 211 00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:08,589 So come on, don't just stand there. 212 00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:10,573 Throw a punch, feel like a man. 213 00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,909 A man who, years ago, was on top of the world, 214 00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,120 who saw Paula and dragged her back to his cave. 215 00:08:15,412 --> 00:08:16,847 - Actually she took me that first night. 216 00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:17,871 - Hit something. 217 00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:19,314 Put your frustration into your fists 218 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:20,959 and hit something! 219 00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:23,253 - Hornberger! 220 00:08:26,089 --> 00:08:27,089 - Get up, Pete. 221 00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:28,258 Get up and fight. 222 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:30,969 For god's sake, Hornberger, the dummy is winning! 223 00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:32,929 Why are you kissing it? 224 00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,597 - I'm submitting to its strength. 225 00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:37,767 It's the Alpha. 226 00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:42,313 Good morning, fresh coffee. 227 00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:43,645 Good morning, clean floor. 228 00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:44,898 Funny, Kenneth. 229 00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:46,346 You don't have any smell at all. 230 00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:47,485 - Don't worry about it. 231 00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:51,614 - ♪ Perfume and roses and strong halitosis ♪ 232 00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:54,951 ♪ powders and flowers and spicy clam chowders ♪ 233 00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:57,954 ♪ I can smell, I can smell, I can smell ♪ 234 00:08:58,246 --> 00:08:58,955 ♪ I can smell ♪ 235 00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:01,082 ♪ I can... ♪ 236 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:02,834 Daddy? 237 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,130 - Yes. 238 00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:09,841 - Nice save. - Oh, no. 239 00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:12,010 - Vengeance announcement. 240 00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:13,887 Look what I found in the trash. 241 00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:17,182 An email confirmation in Frank's name for one ticket 242 00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,559 to see Taylor swift at Nassau coliseum. 243 00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:23,313 - She writes the songs herself. 244 00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:25,125 When she can't cry anymore, she writes! 245 00:09:25,315 --> 00:09:27,442 - What are you laughing at, Toofer? 246 00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:31,488 You're the man who took professional boudoir photographs 247 00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:33,883 and then tried to mail them to parade magazine columnist 248 00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:34,949 Marilyn vos Savant. 249 00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:38,888 - I happen to think that smart is sexy. 250 00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:41,289 Our foreplay would be puzzle-solving. 251 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:42,874 - Uh-oh, Lutz's turn. 252 00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:44,459 What is this gonna be? 253 00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,311 - Oh, no. I don't have anything for you. 254 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:47,128 You don't matter. 255 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,420 But if you two dirtbags 256 00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:49,505 ever mess with me again, 257 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:50,983 I'll take this to the next level. 258 00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:53,635 You don't do 22 episodes of "celebrity outhouse" 259 00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:58,181 with Lorena Bobbitt without learning a few things. 260 00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:00,642 - You're at rehearsal before me? 261 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,477 - Of course I am, Liz-dad. 262 00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,771 I'm your good boy. 263 00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:06,773 I memorized all my lines, so can I go 264 00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:08,465 get dressed for the photo shoot now, 265 00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:09,585 so you don't have to wait for me? 266 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:13,238 - Sure, little buddy. 267 00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,448 - You know, smell is the sense 268 00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:17,283 most closely associated with memory. 269 00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:19,678 - I know, Dotcom, that's why whenever I smell that jacket, 270 00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:20,870 I remember being bored. 271 00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:22,389 - The only person you're insulting 272 00:10:22,413 --> 00:10:23,641 with that attitude is yourself. 273 00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,667 - Obviously something about the way I smell 274 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,127 reminds Tracy of his dad. 275 00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:28,979 - Well, his father did work for a soup factory 276 00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:30,255 and you are constantly eating. 277 00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:31,649 - It's not a food thing, Grizz. 278 00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:34,259 I think it's my hair pomade. 279 00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:35,551 - Midnight symphony? 280 00:10:35,718 --> 00:10:36,718 My grandfather used that. 281 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,763 - Midnight symphony. 282 00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:43,476 You are the conductor of your own proud African orchestra. 283 00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:46,938 Midnight symphony. 284 00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:50,066 - You use midnight symphony? - It works, Dotcom. 285 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:52,944 It was discontinued a few years ago, but I bought seven cases 286 00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:54,716 of it on eBay from a guy named Reggie. 287 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:55,989 - You're still here. 288 00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:57,641 You didn't go to the store for milk 289 00:10:57,866 --> 00:10:59,266 and heroin and then never come back. 290 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:00,492 - That was his excuse? 291 00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:01,982 - You stayed because you love me. 292 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:02,787 Right, daddy-Liz? 293 00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:05,582 - I do love you... Champ. 294 00:11:05,874 --> 00:11:08,543 But I could love you more. - Well, you just wait. 295 00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:11,504 Watch this. 296 00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:13,131 - Be careful, Liz. 297 00:11:13,423 --> 00:11:14,924 Be very careful. 298 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,760 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, Dotcom. 299 00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:20,263 - Pete. 300 00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:21,848 Confidence is a spectrum. 301 00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:25,560 On one end, the ultra-confident end, 302 00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:28,396 you have people like Jack Donaghy, Vladimir putin, 303 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:29,314 Orville Redenbacher. 304 00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,941 Corn is not the only thing he popped, 305 00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:33,526 if you know what I mean. 306 00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:34,819 Then... 307 00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:36,821 You have the other end of the spectrum. 308 00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:38,113 - Yeah, I get it. 309 00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:40,491 Men with no confidence. 310 00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:42,785 - No, men who have nothing left to lose. 311 00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:45,997 Great men like Richard Nixon, the 1980 olympic hockey team, 312 00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:48,875 my good friend John Rambo. 313 00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:50,460 This is you. 314 00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:53,004 And I shouldn't have been trying to get you 315 00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:54,339 all the way to the tiger, 316 00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:57,008 because all you needed was a little push 317 00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,260 to get you to nothing left to lose. 318 00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:02,055 This is how you get your mojo back, Pete. 319 00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:03,681 - No, I am there, Jack. 320 00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:05,850 My job is killing me, my family resents me, 321 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,037 the other day I was mugged by what I'm pretty sure 322 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,205 was two five-year-olds in a trench coat. 323 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:12,440 I already have nothing left to lose. 324 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,734 - No, you have one more thing. 325 00:12:15,026 --> 00:12:17,320 No. Not the ring. 326 00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:19,256 - You're clinging to something that's gone, Pete, 327 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:20,949 and it's not coming back. 328 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,951 Allow yourself to be reborn. 329 00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:26,788 Your life is tied to the fate of the ring. 330 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,080 It must be destroyed. 331 00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:29,916 - Are you quoting lord of the rings? 332 00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:34,462 - No, I'm quoting myself talking to Bruce Willis. 333 00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:38,258 - Well, well, well. 334 00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:40,218 If it isn't tweedle-Dee and tweedle-black. 335 00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:42,637 - We need to talk about what you did. 336 00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,073 - Well, you know what they say, boys. 337 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,217 If you can't stand the heat, 338 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,492 get off of Mickey Rourke's sex grill. 339 00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:48,643 - No, this isn't about us. It's Lutz. 340 00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,829 - I didn't do anything to Lutz. - That's the problem. 341 00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:52,581 He has a thing about being left out of stuff. 342 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,065 - The man has self-esteem issues. 343 00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:55,024 I don't know why. 344 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:56,716 - Well, he is estranged from his son 345 00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:58,152 Kellan Lutz from twilight. 346 00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:01,531 - I'm sorry, are you asking me to apologize to him? 347 00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:03,143 - Look, yeah, we mess with people, 348 00:13:03,241 --> 00:13:05,326 but there's a line we don't cross. 349 00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,418 For example, after you went through our trash, 350 00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:09,163 we went through yours. 351 00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:10,581 And we found this. 352 00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:11,873 - My self-evaluation! 353 00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,085 I want to be famous to make people love me 354 00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:15,670 because I hate myself. 355 00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:17,630 The Jenna I talk to at night in the mirror 356 00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:20,049 thinks I should kill myself. 357 00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:23,970 Also, I caused that Italian cruise ship to crash. 358 00:13:24,262 --> 00:13:26,973 - We could do a lot of damage with this. 359 00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:29,726 But we're not going to. 360 00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:34,731 - Whatever. 361 00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:36,649 - Hey. 362 00:13:36,941 --> 00:13:38,234 How's my boy? 363 00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:39,526 Working hard? 364 00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:41,070 - So hard, papa Lemon. 365 00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:43,823 You're not gonna wanna run away and start a new family in Ohio 366 00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:46,200 and have a daughter you also name Tracy. 367 00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:47,492 - Not if you're good. 368 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,900 - I've been thinking of some new characters for the show. 369 00:13:50,413 --> 00:13:51,789 This is my Jimmy Fallon impression. 370 00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:53,881 Awesome, awesome, I love it! It's my favorite! 371 00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:58,755 - Wow, Tracy, that's great. 372 00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:00,423 Tracy, what's all this stuff? 373 00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:02,842 - Just some stuff I needed from home, like my bed. 374 00:14:03,134 --> 00:14:04,761 It's a California Kong, which is two 375 00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:07,096 California kings tied together with gorilla leather. 376 00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:08,948 - Wait, you're living here? - I have to. 377 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,768 Turns out Angie's cooking smells very ethnic, 378 00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:13,740 and I definitely can't be around my family. 379 00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:17,023 I didn't expect this, but teenage boys don't smell good. 380 00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:18,459 - Wait, you can't be around your kids? 381 00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:19,483 What about baby Virginia? 382 00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:21,285 - Do you know what she does in her underwear? 383 00:14:21,486 --> 00:14:22,987 Something I once did at the oscars 384 00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:25,406 that caused Daryl Hannah to throw up on me. 385 00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:27,418 - Tracy, you can't just abandon your family. 386 00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:30,411 - I've got all the family I need right here, L.L. 387 00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,206 Now back to work. 388 00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:38,002 "Open on: Philadelphia, 1776. 389 00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:41,631 John Adams and mitt Romney enter." 390 00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:44,926 Commentary! 391 00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:54,602 - So stupid, Lutz. 392 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,145 Disgusting. 393 00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:58,606 Why don't you learn your lesson and stop trying? 394 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,984 That girl at Starbucks smiles at everybody, Lutz. 395 00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:03,276 Everybody! 396 00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:04,724 She doesn't want you to kiss her. 397 00:15:04,779 --> 00:15:07,073 No wonder people don't include you in things. 398 00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:09,450 No wonder Kellan never wants to see you again. 399 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:12,078 You're worthless. 400 00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:17,083 - Kenneth, be honest. 401 00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:18,668 Am I the worst person you know? 402 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,505 - Ms. Maroney, judging is for god and his angels. 403 00:15:22,797 --> 00:15:24,507 So, yes, you are. 404 00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:27,135 - Where's the writers' trash? 405 00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:27,760 - Oh, I've already taken it down 406 00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:30,179 to the sub-basement compacter room. 407 00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:32,533 The writers had me clean out their refrigerator today, 408 00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:36,477 so the trash smelled like, to use a technical janitorial term, 409 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:39,689 total ass. 410 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:44,569 - Kellan, why? 411 00:15:44,861 --> 00:15:45,570 - Okay, I know the answer to this, 412 00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:46,946 but I just need to hear it. 413 00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,198 If I have to choose between work productivity 414 00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:51,050 and what's best for one of my employees, 415 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,452 I choose work, right? 416 00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:54,245 Great. Thank you. 417 00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:55,663 Something about my shoes. 418 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,040 Good meeting. - Uh, which employee? 419 00:15:58,332 --> 00:16:00,376 - Gah, what does it matter? 420 00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:03,713 It's Tracy and he has never been more productive. 421 00:16:04,005 --> 00:16:04,338 But he abandoned his family 422 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:05,870 and his baby daughter to do it. 423 00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:07,925 - Lemon, I invented business mumbling. 424 00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:09,445 You white garbage bag 425 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:10,553 full of pudding. - What? 426 00:16:10,845 --> 00:16:12,448 - Look, when you're a supervisor, your job 427 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,640 is to squeeze everything you can out of your employees, 428 00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:17,143 but there's a line and you've crossed it. 429 00:16:17,435 --> 00:16:18,454 - Since when do you care about any line 430 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:19,558 other than the bottom line? 431 00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:21,355 Sorkinesque repartee. 432 00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:22,857 - Because I'm doing it too. 433 00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:25,485 I'm taking advantage of Pete 434 00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:26,920 like you're taking advantage of Tracy. 435 00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:29,614 I said I'd fill out my self-evaluation 436 00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:30,906 after I'd fixed Pete. 437 00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:31,991 A task I knew deep down 438 00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:34,203 could never be accomplished. - Yeah, he's a mess. 439 00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,345 - But Pete's just an excuse. 440 00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:36,787 The fact is I can't fill this out 441 00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:38,974 because there's a question I don't know how to answer. 442 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,167 "Where do you see yourself in five years?" 443 00:16:41,459 --> 00:16:43,259 For the first time in my career, I don't know. 444 00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:44,670 I could wind up anywhere. 445 00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:46,714 Running this company, making couches, 446 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,966 serving as mayor of New York. 447 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,928 Or I could be 6 feet under... 448 00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:54,805 In the subterranean paradise we built to escape the poor. 449 00:16:55,097 --> 00:16:55,806 - Yeah, I get it. 450 00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:58,768 As a writer, that uncertainty is the fate 451 00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:00,978 that always I am to face being. 452 00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:03,648 - Well, I'm not used to it. 453 00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:05,900 But that's not Pete's problem, it's mine. 454 00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:07,192 You go talk to Tracy 455 00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,779 and I have to stop Pete from shaving his head. 456 00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:12,073 - Oh, god. 457 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,659 - So, Lutz. 458 00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:16,136 You thought I left you off the hook the other day? 459 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:17,495 Well, you wish. 460 00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,139 I spent the whole night going through the garbage 461 00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:21,123 trying to find the perfect thing to humiliate you. 462 00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:22,625 - Yeah, we know. 463 00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:24,043 We took photos of you 464 00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:26,587 and sold them to a garbage fetish website. 465 00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:30,633 - This was all a prank? 466 00:17:30,925 --> 00:17:32,236 - I knew the mirror thing would get her. 467 00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:33,594 - Ooh, I'm so sad. 468 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,346 I never talk to my son, Kellan. 469 00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:36,806 It's all made up, Jenna. 470 00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:38,724 Kellan Lutz isn't my son. 471 00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:41,060 He's my grandnephew and we're very close. 472 00:17:41,352 --> 00:17:42,979 - Unbelievable. 473 00:17:43,271 --> 00:17:45,481 I was actually doing something nice for Lutz and... 474 00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:47,108 Oh, my god. 475 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,652 I was doing something nice. 476 00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:52,071 You took advantage of my niceness. 477 00:17:52,363 --> 00:17:53,406 - Why are you smiling? 478 00:17:53,698 --> 00:17:55,575 You spent the night in our garbage. 479 00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:56,993 We win! 480 00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:58,703 - No, I win. 481 00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:01,998 On my self-evaluation, I said I'm the worst person I know. 482 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:03,583 But it's not true! 483 00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:06,627 Thanks to you guys, I'm the fourth worst. 484 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:10,423 ♪ Jenna's amazing like a star in the sky ♪ 485 00:18:10,715 --> 00:18:13,718 ♪ Jenna's amazing like a star in the sky ♪ 486 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,761 - Pete, I apologize. 487 00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:18,013 I never should have told you how to live your life 488 00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:19,974 like some sort of American Barack Obama. 489 00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:20,933 Commentary. 490 00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:21,851 The truth of the matter is 491 00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:24,604 this whole thing wasn't even about you. 492 00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:26,814 It was about me. 493 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,167 - Really? 'Cause it seems like it was about me, Jack. 494 00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:30,943 Do you know what was under my hair? 495 00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:35,323 A birthmark. 496 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:36,782 - Good god. 497 00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:38,951 It looks like a swastika made out of penises. 498 00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:40,786 - I know what it looks like! 499 00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:44,707 Since you've been "helping" me, my life has gotten worse. 500 00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:48,127 I broke my nose, a gay rabbi chased me through midtown, 501 00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:50,921 and last night, Paula wouldn't touch me looking like this. 502 00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:52,973 Do you know what it's like to try to have sex 503 00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:55,676 wearing a child's little orphan Annie wig? 504 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:56,968 - No. - You know what? 505 00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,136 You've done enough. 506 00:18:58,346 --> 00:18:59,930 Get the hell out of my office. 507 00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:03,142 - Congratulations, I knew I'd make a man out of you. 508 00:19:03,434 --> 00:19:04,602 - Get out! 509 00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:05,894 - There's the confidence. 510 00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:11,609 - Please, just leave. 511 00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:13,986 - Pete, you're welcome. 512 00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:24,497 - You wanted to see me, smell? 513 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:29,752 - Sit down, champ. 514 00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:32,105 - Oh, why are you so heavy? 515 00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:33,464 - 'Cause so much of me has died. 516 00:19:33,756 --> 00:19:34,799 - Okay. 517 00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:40,096 Tracy, I'm so proud of you. 518 00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:43,057 You have grown into such a wonderful person 519 00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,685 for these last 24 hours. 520 00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:48,938 But when you're a father or even a father smell, 521 00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:51,190 sometimes you have to make sacrifices 522 00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:53,442 to do what's right for your family. 523 00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:56,404 - I just wanna make you proud of me, L.L.-dad-Liz-dad. 524 00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:57,905 - I know. 525 00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:00,991 But there's only one thing you need to do to make me proud. 526 00:20:01,283 --> 00:20:04,161 - Pop dookie down by the vacants? 527 00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:07,123 - Boy, if I had a dollar for every time I've been asked 528 00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:08,874 to reverse one of my procedures, 529 00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:11,877 my bitch ex-wife would be a millionaire. 530 00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:13,587 May she rest in peace. 531 00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:15,423 All right. - Wait, Dr. Spaceman. 532 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,299 There's so much I haven't smelled yet. 533 00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:18,884 A magnolia tree in spring, 534 00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:21,721 the towels at a miss Hawaiian tropic contest, 535 00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:23,292 the sweat of a terrified Webster 536 00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:25,224 as you load him into a Cannon. 537 00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:27,393 - Tracy, you have to do this. 538 00:20:27,685 --> 00:20:28,936 - Now, full disclosure, 539 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,856 I lost your ring at a BoDeans concert, 540 00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:33,148 so I'm gonna shove this 541 00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,151 hilarious pencil-topper up there. 542 00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:37,903 Get a haircut, or I'm gonna shove you up a black guy's nose. 543 00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:39,195 Very well. 544 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,031 You leave me no choice then. 545 00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:42,992 - Good-bye, helpful Tracy. 546 00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:45,786 - Good-bye... daddy-head. 547 00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:48,164 - Good-bye only evidence tying me 548 00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:49,874 to my ex-wife's disappearance. 549 00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:53,668 Ahh! 550 00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:56,881 - Five years from now? 551 00:20:57,173 --> 00:20:59,300 Well, I'd like to still be working for NBC, 552 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,927 or whatever NBC is in five years. 553 00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:04,096 A t-shirt company probably? 554 00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:06,557 - My greatest strength is that I'm a good listener. 555 00:21:06,849 --> 00:21:08,893 Watch. 556 00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:15,792 - In five years, I hope I don't have to do 557 00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:16,984 this hat thing anymore. 558 00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:18,861 - In five years, I'll probably be dead 559 00:21:19,153 --> 00:21:20,696 and no one will even notice, and yes, 560 00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:26,202 this is my second attempt at writing my self-evaluation!