Put your helmet on, Pete. This last episode is gonna be a hot mess.
- How so? - If TGS doesn't do
one more show, Tracy gets $30 million.
NBC, the same company that suggested we get flush buddies to save water.
Liz, Tracy has landed.
Of course he has, because if he didn't...
He'd be in breach of contract and wouldn't get the money.
Which means he's gonna try to find another way to ruin the show.
Seven years, and Tracy never changed.
Well, people are who they are, Liz.
This is Dan Silversmith with Carolina Mutual.
I can't talk right now, I'm with a customer.
Hello, Tracy.
So one last show...
Pretty crazy, huh?
Indeed, Elizabeth.
I hope nothing goes wrong.
Why would it?
I mean, you're here, fulfilling your contract.
Sure am, L.L.
The only thing that can stop this show is an act of God
or if some genius figured out a way to stall
just long enough...
No! Nice try. Get that out of here.
It's the final showdown, Tray.
You're gonna have to do better than that.
The night is young. And neither are you.
Okay, thank you, everybody, for coming in on such short notice.
I know some of you have already gotten other jobs.
Not me.
Anyway, we have been given a second chance
to end this right, on our terms.
So...
What are we gonna order for our last free lunch?
- Momofuku! - Guy Fieri's restaurant,
- ironically. - Nothing, thank you.
Cerie, whose turn is it to choose lunch today?
Who is the picker?
You picked last time, Liz,
so alphabetically after Lemon comes...
Oh, no.
Blimpie's.
- No! - Come on, Lutz!
Let's solve this, Frank!
Hello, Lemon.
What are you doing here? I thought you quit.
In the cushions of my couch,
I found this customer-loyalty card
to a place called Blazer Bar, and I assume it's yours.
Thank you. It's Manhattan's largest
out-of-business women's blazer dump.
Look, I didn't like the way we ended things yesterday.
Yeah, I've got a lot of work to do.
I'm sorry we argued, but I'm not myself lately.
I-I quit the job I worked my entire life to get,
and now I feel adrift.
No! We're not doing this.
Today is the last TGS ever.
The point is, I'm going away, probably for a long time.
I assume that's code
for a billionaire's soul-searching trip
to Tan Penis island. Have fun.
We're at the end here, Lemon. We shouldn't hold grudges.
For your information,
most of Tan Penis Island was destroyed
in Sting's house fire.
...are urged to take this storm severely seriously.
Hey, where are you guys going?
Sorry, Liz, we got to get out of here before the roads close.
There's a "snowicane" coming.
All of New York state, especially midtown Manhattan
between Saks Fifth Avenue and the Variety Deli.
Aw, no. That's right where we are.
According to the national weather service,
you should, "Leave work, get in your purple Bentley,
"and be home with your sharks
"before the Tristate area gets slammed
by what is being called
'snowicane' white lady name like dorva or something."
Everybody back to work.
Aw, jeez.
What did you do to Al Roker to make him do that?
Let's just say his wife is on the board of a children's hospital,
and they need a celebrity to host their annual gala,
and I threatened to do it.
Do you understand how selfish you're being?
Our crew has been together for seven years,
and tonight is everyone's chance to say goodbye!
So get up on that stage and cut the B.S.!
Jenna...
You've been friends with Lemon for a long time.
She and I had an argument yesterday.
Really? Did Liz scream in your face?
Did you pin her up against the wall?
Were your shirts wet with rain?
I mean, obviously we've had disagreements before,
but this... feels different.
After tonight, I feel like Lemon and I
could go our separate ways and never see each other again.
- Is that crazy? - Not really.
You know Liz. She can hold a grudge.
She did want me to cancel Top Chef
because Colicchio's lunch place changed the toppings
on her favorite salad.
And her friends...
She'll cut people off for doing nothing.
I'm afraid to even tell her
that I Frenched her dad on New Year's.
I don't know what to do.
I've lost so much already.
The past few months have been really hard.
And now Lemon!
You see, I don't have that many people in my life.
I spent Christmas alone in the Hamptons,
drinking scotch and throwing firecrackers
at Billy Joel's dog!
I'm just in a really bad place, and I don't know how more I can take!
Daddy, please stop crying.
Liz, have you seen Jack today?
- No. - He just came
into my dressing room and started crying.
He's in a really bad place,
like when Mickey Rourke...
Okay, I can't do this anymore.
I've never met Mickey Rourke.
What do you want me to do, Jenna...
Shut down the show to make Jack feel better
about bailing on me?
I'm just really worried,
and if you won't do anything, I will.
On behalf of the network, Ms. Maroney,
I think you should sing at the end of the show tonight.
Wonderful! I'll need ten pianos.
Good luck with, Jake.
Does everybody have to be crazy today?
Beloved coworkers!
Life... It goes by so fast.
We barely look at each other.
I didn't realize all this was going on.
Goodbye. Goodbye, world.
Goodbye, long-hair guy. Goodbye, Richard Esposito.
Go home to your wife and eight beautiful children.
You're all so beautiful.
What the wha...?
I printed out the Blimpie's menu.
Okay, how about this?
Yesterday a bunch of us came in to clean out our desks,
more than half of us.
Yes, a quorum.
And you weren't here, Lutz.
And lunch rule precedent stipulates
that disputes will be resolved by picking a new name.
Toofer, the can!
Gladly.
What the hell? It's stuck to me.
Oh, God, and it's Lutz!
Why's it so sticky?
I wrote it on flypaper.
I'm five steps ahead of you,
you sons of bitches!
Blimpie's.
So have you picked out a song for tonight, Ms. Maroney?
A perfect song.
As I'm sure you know,
I have returned to my first love,
Broadway, in a musical adaptation
of the film of the novel the Rural Juror.
- I'm sorry... the what? - Listen to this.
♪ I will never forget you ♪
♪ Rural Juror ♪
What? What is that face?
I don't know, Ms. Maroney.
It just seems like you're faking it.
Well, of course I am.
I'm an actor.
And acting is all cheap tricks
that any child or monkey could do.
To act drunk, you just wear two different-sized heels.
And to cry, you just clutch a shard of broken glass.
Ms. Maroney, this is the end of TGS.
You need to show real emotion.
Real emotion?
It's not really my thing.
Maybe if I had something to be sad about.
Are you kidding?
After tonight, you may not see any of us
ever again.
Stop trying to cheer me up.
I need to feel sad.
Then I guess you'll have to figure out something
that you'll miss about this place.
But maybe it's not a thing so much as a person.
Well, that's not gonna be easy, Kenneth,
considering I'm the only person who works here.
Why are you wearing that weird necklace?
I always wear this. I want to be buried in it.
So, if anything ever happens to me
and you can't find my body
but you can find this, don't overthink it.
Just bury the necklace and move on.
Okay, why are you wearing Jack's watch?
That's not part of it. Jack just gave this to me.
He's been giving his stuff away all day.
- I want you to have this bag of my hair. - Why is he acting so crazy?
He's crying one minute, happy the next,
giving away all his stuff.
Sounds like someone's got a case of the old kablooeys.
We've all been there.
You think Jack Donaghy's gonna kill himself?
No way. Jack has never quit anything in his life.
- That's for you. - Except his dream job...
Yesterday.
Thing is, any fool can kill himself.
You know what a real man does? Fakes his own death.
But you got to be smart.
Plan it slowly over eight or nine years.
And then when it's go time,
no big withdrawals from your bank account.
Instead, the day before it goes down,
you deposit $70.
Why would a guy planning to fake his death deposit $70? He wouldn't!
What the hell are you talking about?
Oops, sorry. Work.
Did y'all get my fax?
Elizabeth...
Sweet, funny Elizabeth,
your light always shown the brightest, baby.
You're coming to the show tonight, right?
I'll be watching.
Not sure from where, but I'll be with you...
In spirit.
Weird.
Come on, Tray, leave the dancers alone.
What's going on?
Why aren't you smiling bravely
while Tracy tells you your butt looks like two slippery hams?
Where's Tracy?
We have no idea, Liz.
I've been so distracted lately.
Grizz just found out his uncle left him
a bed-and-breakfast outside Santa Fe.
I'm gonna be a real fish out of water.
What are you talking about?
What... what is that? Does everyone see that?
Okay, whatever.
I know you know where Tracy is.
Did he promise you some of the $30 million?
Yes, he promised me...
- $1 million. - $20,000.
Wait. What?
Okay, that's it.
Tray is exactly where you think he is, Liz.
It's the closest thing he has to hiding out in a church.
It's five o'clock, where the frak is our lunch?
We can't break him, Liz. He's not human.
Why are you doing this to us?
I'll tell you why!
Because for seven years, you have yelled at me
and turned the lights out on me when I was in the bathroom
and written on me while I was sleeping,
'cause I was Lutz...
Dumb, old, uncool, part-inuit, bisexual,
51-year-old Lutz!
Well, today I am the picker!
And I want you to feel what I felt
for the last seven years...
Anger and disappointment and regret!
And when that sandwich slides out of you in a week,
look at it,
because that is Lutz's revenge!
Cerie, for lunch today, I would like to pick Blimpie's.
No!
Cerie, Sushi from Nobu 57,
dessert from Make My Cake in Harlem.
I'll be back. I hope.
♪ We are young ♪
Yeah, you're not that young either. Get down, please.
Give it up for Liz Lemon, everybody!
The least molested person in here.
I don't even get your play here, Tray.
You're in breach now. You stay here, you don't get the money.
If you think it's about the money, you're even dumber than I look.
So you're just doing this for no reason at all...
For the fun of ruining everyone's chance to say goodbye?
I'm doing this because I don't want to say goodbye to everyone.
Anybody who's ever left me in my life just left...
My dad going to get a pack of smokes
and never coming back,
all those foster parents talking about adopting me
and never did.
I don't want tonight's show to happen because...
I don't know how to say goodbye, Liz Lemon.
Now onstage,
feast your eyes on the skank train!
Oh, boy. Okay.
Look, Tray, it's not goodbye forever.
I've enjoyed working with you,
and I'm sure we'll get to do it again sometime,
and we're all gonna stay friends.
Sorry. Is that the white lady's way
of saying, "I'm going out to get cigarettes"?
'Cause that goodbye was atrocious.
Fine. Well, I guess there's a reason
people don't say honest goodbyes...
Because when stuff is coming to an end,
people freak out and they act crazy.
They pick fights, and they pick Blimpie's.
And I don't know what Pete's doing.
So you lie to them.
But if you want a hard-core truth goodbye...
Lay it on me.
Okay.
We were forced to be friends because of work.
And we're probably not gonna hang out after this, all right?
You'll say that you're gonna invite me to your house,
and it's never gonna happen.
And I'll see on TV that it's your birthday,
and I'll forget to call.
And working with you is hard.
Tracy, you frustrated me,
and you wore me out.
But because the human heart is not properly connected
to the human brain, I love you,
and I'm gonna miss you.
But tonight might be it.
Brutally honest...
I like that.
So you'll come do the show?
I'll come back, L.L.
But we're gonna watch this first.
Ride the train, ladies.
Ride the train.
Kenneth, what are you doing?
Brian Williams needs a mirror
on the floor of his bathroom.
I guess you want that if you have a glass toilet.
But the show's over after tonight,
so what do you care?
But... my mirror.
Oh my God.
It's all over.
Am I crying?
I have no way to see if I'm crying.
Thank God!
Last lunch...
No Lutz!
Last lunch, no Lutz!
Cupcake sandwich!
Cupcake sandwich.
Crap.
Motherhood has made me go soft.
Lutz, the food is here. Come eat...
Cupcake sandwich! Cupcake sandwich!
Oh, God!
Cover the food!
Blimpie's!
Cerie, you heard the man...
Blimpie's.
I was thinking about what you said earlier...
How people get sloppy when they fake their own deaths.
- You said that. - The trick is
to wait for the right moment...
A day when it makes sense to have a drink or two.
I don't know... Maybe a sad occasion
when something's coming to an end.
You let people see you with the glass in your hand.
That way, after the crash, they'll be like,
"I did see him drinking."
God, that idiot. What did he do?
Yeah. That's what they'll say.
No, no. No, no, no.
Don't worry, Lemon.
There is no cause for alarm.
You are watching my video suicide note.
Oh my God.
Try not to blame yourself.
How were you to know that I was in such a dark place
that the smallest thing...
For example, a close friend's refusal to reconcile...
Would be the final straw.
He killed himself because of me.
This is like what happened with my gynecologist
all over again!
I do have a parting gift for you, Lemon.
His phone. I can track his phone.
Go to YouTube and search
"Hamlet the mini pig goes downstairs."
"Hamlet the mini pig..." No! Phone first!
I'll watch the pig video in the cab.
Thirty seconds, we're on in thirty seconds.
Tracy...
I'm really gonna miss you.
My Bologna, in all honesty...
I'm going out for cigarettes now.
And I'll be home in 15 minutes.
Tracy and Jenna,
please set yourselves for "the Hitlersons."
My good side for camera.
Jack! Wait!
There's so much to live for!
Don't you want to know how Mad Men ends?
Don goes to work for Peggy!
- Hello, Lemon. - What?
I thought you were gonna kill yourself.
That was the idea.
It was extreme, but necessary.
I didn't want to be just another person on your grudge list.
Yeah, which reminds me, why am I still seeing new Top Chefs
with that bald salad-ruiner?
I had ten hours to force you to confront
the soul-crushing horror of a life without me.
I didn't lie when I said I was going away.
I'm off to discover what makes me happy.
How long will you be gone?
As long as it takes to figure out what's next.
Although I've only been on this boat a minute,
I've already realized two things about myself.
One...
I could totally be a professional boat model.
And, two, I do know one thing that has made my happy
these last seven years.
Lemon, there is a word, a once special word,
that's been tragically co-opted
by the romance industrial complex.
And I would hate to use it here
and have you think that I am suggesting
any kind of romantic sentiment,
let alone an invitation to scale bone Mountain.
It's a word that comes to us
by way of the old high German luba,
from the Latin lubere,
meaning "to be pleasing."
So I am going to use this word to describe
how I feel about you
in the way that our Anglo-Saxon forefathers
would have used it in reference to, say...
A hot bowl of bear meat
or your enemy's skull... Split.
I love you too, Jack.
Thank you, America. Ladies and gentlemen, Jenna Maroney.
♪ The Irma Luhrmer-Merman murder ♪
♪ Turned the bird's word lurid ♪
♪ The whir and the purr Of a twirler girl ♪
♪ She would the world were demurer ♪
♪ The insurer's allure for valor were ♪
♪ Pure khari wuhrer ♪
♪ One fervid whirl over her turgid error ♪
♪ Rural juror ♪
♪ I will never forget you ♪
♪ Rural juror ♪
♪ I'll always be glad ♪
♪ I met you, rural juror ♪
This is just the start, Lemon.
Imagine the insights
months on this boat will yield.
The next time you see me, I'll be a new man.
Goodbye, Jack Donaghy.
Good God, Lemon. I just figured it all out.
I'm turning around!
- Clear dishwashers! - What?
Clear dishwashers, so you can see
what's going on inside it.
My God, yes! Do that!
It's the best idea I've ever had.
Thank God I took that boat trip.
♪ I will never forget you ♪
♪ Rural juror ♪
♪ I'll always be glad I met you ♪
♪ Rural juror ♪
♪ I will never forget you ♪
♪ Rural juror ♪
♪ I'll always be glad I met you ♪
♪ Rural juror ♪
♪ These were the best days of my ♪
♪ Flurm ♪
- Get in the car, Pete. - Paula!
I mean, who's Pete?
I have amnesia! I...
Damn it! I practiced this!
Hi, buddies.
Wait. You're Sam?
Don't even say it.
I want to thank the brilliant Kevin Grisham,
the amazing John Stamos,
the incomparable judge Judy Scheindlin.
Hey, what are you doing? They called my name.
See ya later, suckers!
Meep-meep! Pyung!
She'll be like, "What?"
Hey, Lemon Ice, could I call you back?
My dad finally came back from getting cigarettes.
Lemon, it's Jack.
Don't forget Tracy's birthday.
Good morning, Mr. Donaghy.
I'm your new second assistant.
Wait, you're Sam?
Mm-hm.
So the whole show just takes place
here at 30 Rockefeller Plaza.
- Is that right, Ms. Lemon? - Yes, sir.
It's based on stories my great-grandmother told me.
I know.
And I love it.