[music]
-[Ella] Hello. -Be careful, be careful.
Come on in, C.J., and watch your step.
Okay, I don't want you damaging nothing, you heard?
I got some change in my pocket
just in case I break anything.
You know what? I'm gonna let that slide.
Because me and Aunt Ella, we about to level up,
you heard me?
[Ella] Okay.
What in the world? What do-what do y'all have there?
Baby, this is our future.
Okay.
You future's in the box?
So I'm guessing you homeless in the future.
Curtis, what is it? What is it?
What in the devil is it?
You remember my Uncle Raymond?
Yes, I know your Uncle Raymond, your daddy's brother.
-Yes. -The one that just passed.
Rest, rest...
You skipped the funeral and only went to the repast.
Only good thing about a funeral is the food afterwards.
So I just skipped to the good part.
Anyway, Uncle Ray left me this in his will.
Why? Was he mad at you?
Shows how much you know!
These things are worth a fortune.
You heard me?
They are worth a fortune
And I just got a appraiser to come
and going to put a price on it.
And then he gonna help me with a buyer.
What are they?
Baby, they're African Cowrie fertility idols.
-Fertility idols. -I feel it, I feel them.
I'm feeling.
Who would wanna have sex after looking at those things?
You know what? You just keep the jokes just keep coming.
But they're not funny.
These things work.
Legend has it, if you stand anywhere near them,
it makes a man more potent.
Well, stand back.
People believe anything.
You gonna be ready for me?
People don't believe in things unless they work, C.J.
Okay, my Uncle Ray had 16 kids
before he passed.
Sixteen?
I'm out of here.
The kids are already whooping my behind.
I'm not taking any chances.
Get on somewhere.
And you ain't getting no money neither.
-Yeah, okay. -Don't ask about nothin'!
Neither are you.
Did he just curse me?
Put those up.
We don't need fertility nothing.
Speak for yourself.
Man, my mind keeps telling me I'm in my prime.
But my knees are telling my mind to shut the hell up.
I don't see how something that could be so fun
when we was young
be so painful when we get old.
Listen, that's 'cause you getting old, bruh.
Me? You was the one taking breaks.
I was just loosening up.
You--you see me taking 'em to...
You--I was doing my thing, taking them to the rack, man!
Oh, man.
I guess we both getting old.
Oh, man.
What the...
I keep telling the twins to stop
leaving all of this stuff laying around.
Hey, is this one of those Leslie Lighting action figures?
Listen, that thing is so expensive, man.
I told Hayden, she was begging for it and begging,
I said you gonna have to wait for Christmas.
And where did Jayden get
all these Black Panther comic books from?
He got all kinds of stuff in here.
All kinds of fun things, yo-yos
and Game Boy cartridges.
When did you start giving Hayden and Jayden gourmet meals?
This is lobster pasta.
What?
Hey. Hey, Calvin. Hey, baby.
-Hey. -Hey.
-Uh, babe. -Yeah.
You know anything about the twins
having all of this expensive stuff
in their backpack?
Oh, yeah, all that junk
is from their little buddies at school.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, their buddies give them
a baseball signed by the Atlanta Braves?
-Is that real? -Yeah.
Jayden says, if he sees something he likes,
his friend just gives it to him, same with Hayden.
She forgot her lunch one day and one boy just gave her his.
Can't believe my kids are so popular.
I wish I was that popular when I was young.
Only thing that you gave me
was a atomic wedgie.
I didn't wear underwear all third grade.
Sorry about that, man.
I ain't know your drawers were so high-quality, man.
I thought they would rip by the time I lifted you up.
Hey, Pop.
Okay. Yeah, well, I'll have her meet me there.
I'm on my way.
That was my pops.
He wants me and Laura to meet some new members of the family.
That's weird.
You and Laura better start sleeping in separate bedrooms
'cause if it's what I think it is,
y'all gonna have a rack of kids.
-Mom, Dad. -Hey, everybody.
-Everything okay? -Just in time.
You just in time.
I called you over here so you can witness history.
Voilà!
Okay. Me and your mom about to be
the richest Paynes in the family.
-You heard me? -[Ella] Mm-hm-hmm.
Okay, what are those statues?
These are African Cowrie fertility idols.
And they worth a lot of money!
Are you sure, Mr. Payne, 'cause they just look like...
Don't you put your hands on it!
Yes, I'm sure.
My Uncle Raymond said so.
Well, they definitely look unique.
Maybe they are worth something.
Definitely, I have a professional
who knows all about these kind of things.
He should be here in a minute.
[doorbell ringing]
Oh!
There he is.
Everybody play it cool.
Calvin, get...
That's your husband.
-Greetings, all. -Okay.
Elvin Alvin, art appraiser extraordinaire at your service.
-Hello. -[Curtis] Ha ha!
It's good to meet you, Elvin.
Elvin Alvin.
And when Elvin Alvin hears
someone has African Cowrie idols,
he cannot resist! [laughs]
Why does he talk like that?
Babe, I only been in your family for a short amount of time,
but if your dad brought him around,
this all makes sense.
Okay, Mr. Elvin Allan,
are these worth anything?
[negatively] Mm-mm.
Okay, breathe, breathe.
Just go in through your nose
and out through your mouth.
In through your nose, out through your mouth.
Hey, what the hell? Is this a Lamaze class?
Pearls before swine.
This ingrate asks why I swoon
before a rare piece of art worth six figures.
Six figures?
You can sprinkle all you want to, big guy.
You really think it's worth that much?
Without question!
I told you!
I told you! And I told you!
I never doubted you, Mr. Payne.
You were thinking it.
What you have is an ebony carving
covered in Cowrie shells, which symbolizes womanhood
and wealth in many African cultures.
Yes.
This magnificent work of art
is obviously from the late Nigerian artist
Olayanju Babatunday.
That's what I was thinking. Obviously.
It's only one of three in the world.
What? It's one of three.
With your permission, ooh,
allow me to make some calls on your behalf.
You gonna be a very wealthy man.
There you go! Did you hear that?
-Did you hear that? Huh? -[Laura] What?!
-Curtis... -I'm rich!
-Babe. -Hm?
You ain't gonna believe this.
I just got off the phone with the kids' school.
All of them toys we found in their backpacks
other kids didn't give to them.
They took it.
They're bullying kids at school!
I do not believe you.
That's-that's crazy. That's nonsense.
No. Believe it. I'm telling you.
Three parents were complaining about it already!
I'm going to get my belt.
-Hayden! Jayden! -Wait. Wait, babe.
So you're gonna whoop them, right?
I ain't getting it to hold my pants up.
Okay, I'm all about the discipline and stuff too,
but can we just try a different approach.
Let's just try talking to them.
Baby, I know how to discipline my kids.
Your kids?
Yours? [C.J. Stammering]
Solely yours? I ain't got nothing to do with it?
No, I'm just... You know what I...
I'm gonna try to figure this out.
-You know what I'm saying. -I don't, though.
No, no, no, what I'm saying is you soft on them babies.
I'm soft?
Hey, you soft on the babies.
I'm gonna leave before I saying something we both regret.
-No, wait. Babe... -It's okay. "Babe."
Come on, don't be like that.
You ain't gonna finish cooking?
Ask me to cook anything right now.
Okay. All right.
[Janine] "My kids"? Anything but "my kids".
Damn.
Hey, Ella. Baby, where do you think we should move to?
I'm thinking a beach house
on a beach in Miami.
Don't start this.
Why can't we just stay right here
and fix this house up?
You thinking too small, Ella.
We got beach money now. Okay?
Thanks to our friends from Mother Africa.
[mocking chuckle]
I only like the shells.
Who the hell chipped my sculpture?
Pop, nobody went near those things.
Yeah, we've been sitting right here.
Boy, don't nobody want me happy around here.
I just can't be happy, you bunch of haters.
Curtis, you were gonna be my sugar daddy
and why would I hate on that?
I ain't talking about you, baby, not you.
Yeah, I could tell you were happy
and looking forward to being a trophy wife.
But the rest of you haters...
Pop, what do you think we did? We been sitting right here.
I'll tell you exactly what you did.
[Ella] "Oh, Isaiah, I love you."
Babe.
-Yes? -Yes?
I was talking to my new babe.
Would you like a soda?
Oh, darling!
You're such a gentleman.
You must get it from your father.
And his good looks.
I would love a soda, baby.
-Thank you. -Catch.
No, no, no, no. Get that out of my house!
But the sculptures.
One's damaged!
Who cares?
We're haters.
[Calvin, Laura, and Miranda laughing loudly]
No! Now I'll never be a woman of leisure.
Oh, no, no, no!
[Ella] Curtis.
Please tell me that you were not back there, drinking,
'cause you came out here, sounding crazy.
No, I'll tell you what's crazy.
What's crazy is that nobody here is man enough
or woman enough
to own up to damaging my sculpture!
Wait a minute.
-Where'd this come from? -What is it?
It's a zipper.
Don't nobody care about no damn zipper.
Hold up.
I'm rich!
[Ella] Curtis.
Ha! So you damaged
your own precious sculptures.
Ella, this is not a time to play the blame game.
Okay, no...
Y'all just need to come on help me put these things together
before Elvin Alvin Eh... whatever his name, gets here.
-Mm. -Oh, boy, that smells good.
You can smell that all the way upstairs.
Yeah, I did that.
You should try this. This is so good.
-I should try it? -Yeah.
What's that you got there? You got some chicken?
Mm-hmm, free range.
Yeah, all that flavor. You can taste the humanity.
That's, uh...
Free range, huh?
What, you season it with...
What you got, some paprika on there?
Why you rolling your eyes at me?
Okay, I see what it is. All right.
Okay, so, uh, you wanna talk about it
or are we just gonna tap dance around the issue?
Never been much of a dancer, so, I guess, talking it is.
Who never been much of a dancer? Me?
You.
Jan, you must be playing.
You know I got the meanest two-step.
My two-step is on point!
And you know, all you need at my age
is a solid two-step.
That'd get me through weddings,
get me through birthdays.
-Divorces. -[C.J.] What?
I know you ain't just say the D word.
Okay, all right, let's be serious.
I'm sorry about what I said earlier.
I may have overreacted, but you triggered me. Okay?
Until you pop four individuals out of your body,
you can't say "my" about anything.
You just said the D word.
I, I was playing.
Okay, I just want what's best for the kids.
So do I.
But study after study that I've read
that kids who are disciplined by spanking
tend to be more violent.
Spankings don't have to be violent.
Yeah, we know that, but does the kid know?
All they know is that the person they love
is inflicting harm on them.
If we don't spank them what we gonna do?
I have no idea.
-'Cause they wild. -I... Sometimes.
I mean, we'll figure it out, but I do know one thing.
Your two-step is untouchable.
And your dinner's in the microwave.
That's my girl.
You know what I mean? Talking about divorce.
You better stop playing You ain't going nowhere.
I wasn't going nowhere.
-Give me some. -It's still too soon, though.
All right, all right. I see what you doing.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, I'm gonna let you have that.
Go get your plate.
Okay. Huh?
Huh? Is it just me or can you barely tell the difference?
It's just you.
You know, the damage isn't that bad.
You might not be able to tell the difference.
And if it was, how much value could it lose?
Yeah, you probably right.
Then maybe I can't get a house on the beach in Miami,
but they got beaches in Mexico.
Mexico? Curtis, I don't wanna move out of the country.
What the hell, Ella?
Look, I'm gonna have some beachfront property
if I gotta flood the front yard, you heard me?
[doorbell ringing]
He's here!
Come on, y'all, get up. What y'all doing?
Everybody calm, he here.
Okay, okay, okay. Act cool.
-Yes. -Oh, got you.
Oh, God, not this doggone cool.
Y'all need to stop, okay?
Just-just-just sit your ass down.
Sit down, be quiet.
-[Ella] I'm still cool. -[Miranda] You cool.
[Ella] Can't get any cooler.
Greetings, all.
-Hello again. -Hi.
Hello, Elvin Alvin.
Mr. Payne.
You wouldn't believe the bidding war
Elvin Alvin had going on.
-Shut your face. -On your behalf.
-You hear that, Pop? -Yeah.
They were fighting over your sculptures.
Oh! It wasn't much of a fight.
One buyer dropped the bomb on all the rest.
Kaboom!
-[Curtis] Do you see? -Let me see.
Curtis.
-Curtis. -The horror.
Elvin Alvin screams now.
That's a good scream, right?
You cannot damage a masterpiece.
It's utterly ruined.
It's gotta be worth something!
With two others just like it in pristine condition
housed in National Nigerian Museum,
yours is worth nothing.
You waste Elvin Alvin's time.
-There he go with that fiffy. -I don't like that fiffy.
So no money?
None.
Well, that means I get to whoop your funny-dressing ass.
[Ella] Curtis!
The one thing we are not gonna do in this house,
ever again, is we are not gonna tolerate any bullying.
Yeah, and why would you wanna take things from other people?
Hm? You wouldn't want anyone to do that to you.
But we wanted it.
That's no excuse, okay?
Now, if you want something,
you ask us.
If we say no, you go get a work permit
and you get a job.
All right? You get a job, save up your money,
and if you got enough...
Okay, that might be too much.
You understand what we saying?
Hm? If you want something, you earn it. All right?
We're not going to tolerate that.
Do you hear me?
"Us." [nervous laughing] Do you hear us?
I got you.
Yes?
-Yes. -Yes.
Thank you. Thank you.
Okay. Good. Glad we have an understanding.
So there are gonna be some real changes around here.
Okay?
First thing is your mom and I
are gonna spend less time at work
and more time at school,
finding out what's going on with you two.
Second thing,
you guys are gonna go back to school
and you gonna apologize
to all of the kids that you've been bullying.
And, thirdly, you are going to
give them all of their stuff back.
All right, and your punishment,
you are going to hand-copy pages of the dictionary.
And we're gonna start with the letter B for bullying.
Copy the dictionary?
Can't you just spank us?
Oh, no, we way, way past that. All right?
So what I want you to do is I want you to get a pen
and some paper,
and start writing down what your mom just explained.
Let's go. [Hayden moaning]
[Janine immitating Hayden's moan] Get up.
We so far past spanking
we taking this thing to a whole nother level.
Stomp up those stairs if you want to.
I can get some geography stuff going for you little young ones.
[music]