[Ella] Curtis!
Curtis!
Come on, baby, if you would help me, I--
I would've been done already!
Baby, I'm sorry. My hands are full.
I'm busy! Come on, now!
No, don't let her back in! She's a liar!
She's a liar just like the rest of them.
Come on, man!
I am not making you dinner.
That is not funny, baby.
Okay.
Come on!
I knew she was a gold digger.
I knew she was!
What happened to all the good women?
Whew!
[grunts]
Hey.
What happened to knocking before you come in the house?
Are we still goin' out to dinner?
I need a night out.
Yes we are, we are.
Okay, Glo, you stressin', baby. What's wrong?
Ella, everything. Everything!
I mean, this job is wearing me out!
You know what I need? I need a vacation.
That's what I need.
Glo, you need to go home.
Okay, what happened?
Break-ins and car thefts.
We've had four in the past month.
Ella, this is bad!
Sound like you about to lose your job.
And you know what?
I heard they're hiring at the zoo, though.
You'd fit right in.
Don't listen to him. Come on, it's gonna be fine.
Come, come, come! Come, come, come!
I'm not doin' this with you today.
Come, come, come, come, come.
Come on in, come on in.
Okay, should we be worried? What can we do?
Look, get an alarm system, lock up when you leave, I don't know.
The residents say we need a neighborhood watch captain.
Eee! This sounds like--
It sounds like a job for Curtis Payne!
No, no, no. No, no, no.
-No, sir, that's not happenin'. -[Ella] Curtis...
See, we need someone courageous and serious.
I am serious!
What? I live in the neighborhood!
I would literally lay my life on the line.
Look, baby, I live in the neighborhood, Ella.
Look, look, look. You know what?
That all sounds good, but...it is not up to me.
The residents have to vote, so, sorry.
I'm sorry.
-Thank you. -You're welcome.
For what?
I'm not sure.
Curtis, don't do this, Curtis.
She the president, and she needs to see it.
Curtis!
She don't even know what-- Glo, come look at this.
-Look at what? -You know what?
You need to go-- come look at this,
'cause you ain't gonna believe it.
You're the president and I shouldn't say nothin'.
-What-- -If you go right there--
-[Glo] Where? -[Curtis] Right over there.
[Ella] Curtis!
[grunts]
[grunts] I'm sorry I didn't do that sooner!
That is so not nice!
No, she's not nice!
And I'mma show her.
[theme music]
[fire hydrant sprays]
[bird chirping]
[plane flies overhead]
[car alarm wailing] [horn honking]
[fireworks whistle, burst]
[siren wailing]
So, uh, Curtis?
Can you tell me what the plan is again, now?
Listen, we gonna campaign so strong,
that even Glo's not gonna be able to stop us
from bein' the neighborhood watch captains.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. We?
Yes, we.
There's only one position. We both can't win, brah.
There's a separate solution. I'll make you the co-captain.
Oh...
Well, I need a little excitement in my life, so count me in.
-[chuckles] -Ah...
That's all right. So, so what's in the box?
See for yourself.
Oh, wow. [chuckles]
Mm, my lord. Ah...
"When trouble calls, a Payne answers." Nice.
-Ah? Ah? -[chuckles]
I mean, you look 30 years younger on here and everything,
but hell, a blind man won't be able to notice.
-I'm glad you like it, Floyd. -Whew!
I really like this, Floyd! I'm feelin' this, man!
-Okay, okay. -I think I've got a callin'.
-I think this is my calling! -I feel that.
[Ella] Curtis!
-Curtis? -Yeah, baby?
Did you call the-- What is that?
Did you call the security company
to install the cameras?
-No, Ella. -Curtis...
Why would I call and pay a company to put cameras in,
and, and to get robbed and re-watch how they did it?
Come on, baby, you got me and Floyd.
Whatever, Curtis. Whatever!
Hey, and, and stop the hate, baby!
Get the hate out your system!
Okay? God don't like ugly.
All right, Dad. We're all ready.
And I think we still got four minutes to go.
-All right. -Got everything. Here we go.
Yeah.
Sometimes... I'm glad you're my son.
Just sometimes?
Don't ruin the moment.
You know, I can't remember the last time
you actually gave me a compliment.
Me neither.
You got everything?
Yup, I got everything. Yes, sir.
Where's my change?
It was two dollars. Come on, Dad!
Don't make me go in Lisa's purse and take my two dollars
and blame it on you.
So that's been you doin' that, huh?
[chuckles] I only want what's mine, playa.
I'll have to give it back to you later.
I ain't got it on me.
Don't worry, I'mma get it to you.
Okay. Ugh, man! This is it!
-[Malik] Yeah! -[CJ] Yeah!
Mm-hmm.
Hey.
Uh-uh. What, what is this?
What y'all eating?
These are our game day snacks.
What's the problem?
Dad, y'all got fried Twinkies...
Ooh, cheeseburgers, chips...
Extra crispy pork skins. Why they gotta be extra crispy?
Come on, now, you know you can enjoy the game
and not kill yourselves in the process, right?
Yeah, but, you know, it makes the experience better.
-It goes hand in hand. -Exactly.
Please don't start all that healthy food talk, all right?
All we wanna do is watch the game and eat some good food.
I know that, Malik. I know that.
But there are better options, okay?
Kale chips. You ever try one of these?
I have. I don't--
[Jazmine] Try one of these. They're good.
Please, they're a better option than pork skins.
Mm-mm.
Just like baked wings are a better option than fried wings.
Please, help me help you!
Yes, but the flavor is in the fried!
Everybody knows that. Come on, Jazzy.
This is why 47.8 percent of African Americans are obese.
It's 'cause of this right here.
Jazzy, I love you.
You're overreacting, okay?
I don't eat like this every day.
Dad, there are better ways to enjoy the game
and also think about your body, that's all I'm sayin'.
And all I'm sayin' is all this naggin' about healthy eatin'
is making it hard to enjoy the pregame show!
Please!
-Come on. -Yeah, whatever.
Both of y'all are messin' up the pregame.
Whatever, man! I hope y'all team loses!
I'm takin' the kale chips!
[Floyd] Good evening, ma'am. Yes.
I'm calling on behalf of the man of the century,
Mr. Curtis Payne,
your next neighborhood watch captain.
Yes.
Yep.
Yeah, hello?
Yes, have you ever heard of tall, dark, and handsome?
Well, two out of three ain't bad.
Yeah, hello?
Hello?
Don't gotta be so rude!
Yes, good evening. Yes.
I'm calling on behalf of Curtis Payne, yes.
The thugs will cry and he will never lie!
Hello? Yes, ma'am?
Okay, well, we got your vote?
Yes, ma'am--
I'll stop calling. Yes, ma'am.
Hey, man, I think we got another vote!
-Oh my goodness. -Yeah.
Floyd, you are so good at this, man.
Thank you, brother. You know,
I used to date this girl, and she used to like to roleplay,
pretending to be a campaign manager.
Hey, Floyd, that's really weird.
Let's just say she got my vote.
Curtis! Curtis, stop, stop!
-Baby. -What?
Put my living room back, back together.
Get!
Ella, I will put it back together
once our neighborhood is, is ill...
of, of the lil thuggies and young babies.
You know what, baby? You need to be more woke.
Okay?
'Cause life is bigger than just survival, Ella.
Curtis... [laughs]
Hey baby, why didn't you use a current picture?
-It's called branding, Ella. -O...kay.
Oh my god...
You guys are taking this too far.
You can never go too far with justice.
Glo, how is the hunt going for the neighborhood watch captain?
Curtis, the residents loved your enthusiasm,
and they want you to do it!
[laughs gleefully]
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. But, but look.
Just stop puttin' these whistles in their mailboxes.
You can't get robbed if you're blowin' a whistle.
-Everybody knows that! -Can you just--
[high-pitched whistle]
Oh, god! Okay.
-See? It's impossible. -[Ella] Curtis...
[blows air]
Okay, you know, whatever-- What-ever.
-It's impossible. -Whatever.
I will come by later, we'll discuss it then,
since we're all goin' out to dinner anyway, right?
I'm not goin' anywhere. I'm stayin' on my post.
Now, there's a suspicious car across the street.
And I'm gonna stay here and check it out.
Just relax, all right? I'm sure it just broke down
and the owners are comin' back for it.
Well, whatever. That car just sticks out.
I can't explain it. Floyd, do you feel it?
I feel it, yeah.
Wait, maybe it's those nachos I had earlier.
You'll have to excuse me.
-Where are you goin'? -Where are you goin'?
Not that bathroom! Not in there!
-Oh, man! -How do you miss that?
Can you believe this, man? Oh, man!
Well, you know, three games in one day,
and they all come down to the wire.
This day couldn't get no better.
-You right about that. -[CJ] Yeah, yeah.
Oh! It just did.
Sometimes I love that you my little sister.
Oh, thanks, Malik. I wish I could say the same.
Well, uh, why, why don't you just say it?
Um, because I'm trying this new thing
where I only say things that I mean.
Oh...
Thank you for bringin' us both food, baby.
Got you.
That first game worked up an appetite.
Nah, I think it was all that
kicking and screaming you were doing.
You almost broke the table.
It's part of bein' a fan, Son.
You know, you get excited. You gotta break somethin'!
Okay, well, can I break something?
Yeah. If you paid for it.
Speakin' of paid for it, here's the change, Daddy.
That's all right, baby. You go ahead and you take it.
-I can keep this? -[CJ] Yeah, baby.
-Thank you. -I know you lyin'.
You can always move out.
Whoa, man, why we always gotta get ahead of ourselves?
Let's bring it back.
Y'all gonna try the food?
-Yup? -Yeah.
Like I said, it all goes hand in hand.
Wait, wait, wait.
You're not gonna start that healthy talk again, are you?
No, Malik, I'm leavin'.
I'm leavin' y'all alone with your game.
Okay.
-Don't leave them bones-- -You got--you got 'em straight.
[music]
Curtis? What is that?
Baby, what are you doin'?
-Shut the door! -I'm so sorry.
-You'll ruin my cover. -Okay, okay, okay!
[laughs]
And what are you wearin'?
Uh, look, I am patrolling my post, if you must know.
And this is how I hide my identity.
You're welcome.
You're supposed to be trying to catch the thugs,
not play dress-up.
And you're supposed to be locked up in your cage.
It's feeding time.
Now, the good residents of this neighborhood
hired me for a reason.
Uh, yeah. Because you were the only one
with enough time to do it.
Gloria, you can't hurt me, okay? You can't hurt me.
As a matter of fact,
where was you at last Friday around 2:00 AM?
-Huh? -At home!
Asleep like regular people.
-Move that thing out my eye! -You're lyin'!
You're lyin' 'cause bears don't sleep. Y'all hibernate.
-I got my eyes on you. -Curtis!
Where's Floyd?
He better be out there stakin' in the bushes that car.
That car? Would you leave that car alone?
We need you focused on the safety of the neighborhood,
not...playin' dress-up.
And we need you to go home and stay there,
but you keep comin' back, Glo.
You go, then you come back. You go, then you come back.
-Floyd? -Curtis.
Floyd, what the hell are you doin'?
Why aren't you on the job?
Somethin' was tryin' to lick me in them bushes, so I ran.
Okay, you know what?
I, I've had about enough of you, Floyd.
I've had about enough of you, okay?
Now, you got 10 minutes to get back on your post,
or else you're gonna be unemployed, my friend!
I'm just resting, Curtis.
Floyd...heroes don't rest.
Oh!
[music]
I thought you didn't want us eatin' this stuff.
What changed?
Nothin' changed, Malik.
I understand now.
Y'all just wanna eat some good food
while you're watchin' the game. I get it.
Well, I'm glad that you finally understand.
[Jazmine] Mm-hmm.
Mm!
Where did you get these wings from?
-Why, you like 'em? -They're amazing.
-You see I ate 'em all. -Yeah, I see that.
That's probably 'cause they're fried.
That's what I'm tryin' to tell you.
The flavor is in the frying.
They're air fried.
Mm-hmm. And how 'bout that pizza?
You ate all that pizza earlier. You liked it, didn't you?
What did you do to our pizza?
It was cauliflower crust, Malik.
That's it. Califlower.
I knew it was something that tasted different.
Dad, she's feedin' us stuff and that's why our teams are losin'.
-Mm-hmm. -That's ridiculous!
No, what's ridiculous is that you thought
you could trick us into eatin' healthy.
-It worked, didn't it? -It did not.
We didn't like none of this!
We want our regular, normal pizza
with normal pizza crust.
And these wings starting to taste a little funny.
Malik, you wasn't sayin' that just a second ago.
-It had to settle in. -Okay, you know what?
I tried, I'm done.
Going to meet some friends. I tried.
Hey, Dad, I was lyin'. These wings are amazing.
I know, they're the best I ever had.
-What is air fried? -I don't know.
This must be some new tech or somethin'.
Air is fryin' wings?
We need to know where that store is at.
-Exactly. -For the next game.
And we can't tell her about it.
[music]
Floyd?
So...why are you not workin' with him anymore?
'Cause he fired me.
No. You fired yourself!
Floyd, don't you start tellin' that lie.
Okay, now, I told you this job is not for everybody.
I'm startin' to believe that it ain't for you either.
Hey, don't be salty!
Can we just come on, make this reservation, y'all?
Black people ain't always got to be late.
Where are y'all goin'? What are y'all doin'?
Where you goin'?
Hey, you know we've been talkin' about it all day.
We're going to dinner.
Ella, I am a soldier, okay? I got a job to do.
Soldiers don't leave their posts.
Now, that car is still over there.
Oh, please leave that car alone!
I will not leave the car alone!
How about you please go home?
-Have it your way. -[Curtis] Ms. President.
-Let's go, let's go. -Well, go on and go, then.
-We're goin', baby. -You're so extra!
Just keep talkin'!
We're goin' to get something to eat right now!
-Don't let 'em see! -They see you!
Don't tell nobody I'm in here.
[Ella] Bye, babe! Love you!
[music]
Can I just thank you for comin' by, officers?
Thank you so much for helping me.
You are the best. You are our finest.
Thank you so much. And lookit,
I want y'all to be safe,
and I'll see you out there on them streets, okay?
[laughs] All right. Thank you, Officer. Okay.
Thank you. Call me if you need me!
-[Glo] Oh my god! - [Ella] Curtis--
-Curtis! -[Floyd] Curtis!
Curtis, oh my god, baby,
we're hearing that you stopped a robbery?
Did you hear that? It's on the street already?
Baby, come on, what happened?
-What happened, Curtis? -It wasn't nothin'.
-What? -Wasn't nothin'.
Oh my goodness, you should've seen it.
Did y'all see them get out the car soon as you left?
[Both] No.
[Curtis] As soon as you drove off,
15 guys got out the car with masks!
-They started puttin' masks on. -What?
And then they started comin' up over here,
and some of them jumped the fence,
and others was goin' over there.
-Curtis... -And then they stared me down.
We actually had a staredown.
Look, it was crazy, baby.
They threw one of your plants at me.
-My plant? -Your plant, baby.
-Curtis-- -[Curtis] You didn't see that?
I did not see that.
Baby, the officers swept it up for me.
It was crazy! They ran up against me.
It was, like, two or three of them, or six of them.
And they ran up, and then I did a Matrix...
And I went that way, and they swung.
And I went that way.
And they ran up real quick, I had--ugh!
-Aah! -Curtis!
-You know how I do it. -[Floyd] Yeah.
-You know how I do it. -I am so jealous of you, man.
I done missed all the action.
Come on, brother, let me get my job back, man.
-Come on, brah. -Let me think about it.
-All right, okay. -Hell no. Sit down.
Curtis, we are so sorry we didn't believe you.
You...you really stopped a robbery.
I told you, Glo.
And maybe next time you listen to what I say,
because the people hired me for a reason!
-So what now, baby? -What now?
What, you gonna go out and fight some more crime?
We gonna all fight some crimes.
-Who "we all"? -It is time to assemble!
You gotta be with me.
-Curtis... -What, what--
That's for you.
Here, baby.
I got you.
It's time to assemble, good people.
-I don't really want this. -Huh?
You gotta have it.
We've got crime to fight in the neighborhood!
[laughs evilly]
Oh, who is this?
BNN News?
Huh? Yeah, this is Curtis Payne.
Yeah, how did you find out so quick?
It's the media. Comes with the job.
How did you even get my number?
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Yeah, well, what had happened was
these guys was in ski masks,
they had been parked in the car that was outside.
And I been watchin' them, and nobody believed me.
Nobody did.
And then when they jumped out and came at me,
I just went on and got them.
I had to do what I do.
'Cause it's how-- it's how I been--
Hello? Yes. This is his manager.
Yes, I would--please, please
respect my client's privacy, all right?
From here on out, everything's gonna go through me, okay?
Okay, so let's talk numbers.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Oh, hell no, we can't settle for that, no.
No, no. No, no, no.
Reimbursing him on flashlight batteries?
No.
And plenty of, uh--
Is it "Neapolitan" or "Napoleon"?
-Yeah. -Vanilla, yes.
That's where we're at. All right.
I'm sorry, I, I have to go. I have to tend to my client.
My people will touch with your people, all right?
I'm not gonna touch your people.
I mean we'll be in touch with your people.
-Excellent. -I think we got 'em.
[music]
[BET theme]