[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Hi. - Hey, Jeff.
Just wanted to return this.
We borrowed it from your lovely fiancée.
Oh,The Notebook.
Yeah,The Notebook.
Audrey made me watch it.
If you don't mind, I'm gonna get a beer and pour it in my eyes.
Hey, Jeff.
Hey, Jennifer, just returning your movie.
Didn't it make you want to cry?
Constantly.
Tell Audrey we're saving the date for your birthday party.
Great. It should be fun.
That party's gonna suck.
Why?
Because I have to pay for it,
plus spend the whole night
worrying about people spilling things,
stealin' my stuff.
Your friends sound really cool.
Why don't you just tell Audrey you don't want a party?
She loves throwing parties. It makes her happy.
And if she's happy...
that's good for my birthday deal.
Oh, yeah, your birthday deal.
One year I complained too much. She got mad.
Not good for the birthday deal.
You can't keep talking about the birthday deal
without telling me what it is.
What does Audrey do for you every year?
I wish I could tell ya... Can't.
If Audrey found out I told someone, the deal would be off.
I won't tell her.
Now that we're neighbors,
this is the kind of guy stuff we should be talking about.
Instead of worrying about my birthday deal,
why don't you get one of your own?
Because I don't need one.
With Jennifer, every day is my birthday.
Every day used to be my birthday, too.
Could I have been as stupid as you are?
If I needed a birthday deal, I could get one.
Don't try to run with the big boy.
I've been married for twelve years.
You basically threw a ring at a stranger.
She's not a stranger.
We've been together for seven months.
- Plus, I didn't even get her a ring yet. - Why not?
I don't know what she likes.
We've only known each other for seven months.
Wow. You clearly know what you're doing.
Hey, not only could I get a deal,
I could get one that's better than yours.
What's yours?
Nice try.
I'm gettin' a deal.
And then every year when I'm doin' it,
I'm gonna think of you.
I--I didn't say that.
I didn't hear it.
♪♪ How many ways to say I love you ♪♪
♪♪ How many ways to say that I'm not scared ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denying ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
A birthday deal, huh?
Yeah. Jeff's got one with Audrey.
Yeah, I like it.
It's like a dirty pre-nup.
First I'm just gonna float the idea,
see if she's receptive.
- Then we gotta figure out what to ask for. - We?
Yes, I'm in. You're welcome.
Now, people's sex lives don't seem to get wilder
when they get married.
My sex life with Jennifer is fine.
Just ask our neighbors.
Oh, you bring them over to watch?
No. No, they just heard...
through pre-war concrete walls.
I'm talkin' four solid inches.
We all agree your fiancée is a horn dog,
which is why I think we should ask
for the "Manitoba Sno-Cone."
Stop saying "we."
And I'm not asking for anything off your list
of humorously named sex acts.
Why not? It took me ten years to fill this thing out.
Ten beautiful years.
See if she's up for the "Peppermint Bobsled."
No, I can't do that. I love this person.
And this would ruin Christmas forever.
It doesn't have to be a candy cane.
It would help if we knew what Jeff's deal with Audrey was.
What does that giant gorilla get?
I asked him, but he wouldn't tell me.
What's that?
He wouldn't tell me.
I'm sorry. I thought we were living in America.
Has Jeff heard of something called
the Freedom of Information Act?
He told me that if Audrey finds out that he told anyone,
the deal would be off.
Fine. I'll find out without anybody knowing.
Far be it from me to jeopardize whatever
he does to his wife annually.
Uh, Russell, you don't know that's what it is.
"Annually."
Oh.
Audrey, I forgot to tell you--
Russell overheard me talking about Jeff's party,
and I didn't know if you were planning on inviting him.
Yeah, he's comin'.
Not my idea.
So, what are you planning for the party?
Oh, the usual Jeff-fest--
beer, shots, chips, hot wings,
stadium rock on the stereo.
Basically the home version of Hooters.
Not the party I'd throw, but whatever.
Why don't you throw the party you want to?
It's Jeff's birthday, you know?
He doesn't even care what kind of party it is.
He doesn't...care what kind of party it is--
Why don't I throw the kind of party I want?
Exactly. It doesn't have to be Jeff-Fest.
Why not "Audrey-gras"?
'Cause that means "fat Audrey."
Hey. You know what I just realized?
My birthday's coming up.
You know, in the seven months we've been together,
we haven't had a birthday yet.
Two big, fun days to look forward to.
I'm glad you feel that way.
What do you think about doing something really special for me?
Sure. What did you have in mind?
Well, something in the bedroom department,
a little something I'd get annually.
Once a year.
Why? Is there something you want to do that we're not doing?
No, no. I have no complaints.
Well, that one time you bit my shoulder
and you drew blood.
But, hey, you know? That's just the cost of doing business.
I just thought it would be fun to have a special...
birth--birthday deal.
That does sound fun. I want one.
You do?
- Mm-hmm. - That's great!
That's--I love you!
Oh, and let's say nothing's off-limits.
Definitely let's say that.
Okay.
I am going to think about mine while I'm showering.
Okay. I'm going to think about you showering
while I'm thinking about mine.
Two birthday deals.
Suck on that, Jeff.
If you're serious about buying I'll get up, but...
it's not very comfortable.
Hey...
where are the girls?
They're shopping for mojito glasses.
They're doing a whole Cuban theme for my party.
Doesn't sound like your style.
What do I care? As long as Audrey's in a great mood
at the end of the party.
Which brings me to my news.
I am now the proud owner of not one...
but two birthday deals.
Two. No way.
That's right. What's the matter?
Is my two a little hard for you to swallow?
Anyway, uh...
I'm gettin' one, and Jennifer wants one, too.
And get this: Nothing is off limits.
[CHUCKLING]
Yeah.
You're playing with fire.
How so?
I didn't get a birthday deal
until I'd been married for six years
and our relationship was stable.
You've known Jennifer for what, twenty minutes?
Do you really think you're ready to hear Jennifer's wildest, craziest fantasy?
Yeah!
The crazier, the better.
Really?
Aren't you worried she'll want something so disturbing
you won't be able to look at her
when you're having brunch with your parents?
Come on...
I mean, how weird can it be?
Well, apparently nothing's off limits.
By the way, whose idea was that?
Hers.
Like I said, you're swimming with sharks.
You said I was playing with fire.
You are...
and the sharks don't like it.
You're right.
If Jennifer asks for something really disturbing for her birthday deal,
I don't know how I'll handle it.
My guess is, not well.
Maybe I'm worried about nothing.
What's the worst she can ask for?
Props, you in a cheerleader outfit,
a third party involved,
not necessarily a lady.
It's not that I'm scared to do something kinky or different.
I've done plenty of that.
What's bothering me is that Jennifer's going to be my wife,
the mother of my children.
We're gonna grow old together.
What kind of kinky stuff?
- Hi, honey. - Hi, sweetie.
Come with me a second.
I wanna show you this French press I wanna buy.
French press, what's that?
What're we gonna do with that?
What's that?
It's stuff for your party.
- Both carts? - Yeah.
We got this really cool pitcher for the mojitos,
and some funky little glasses, and glass swizzle sticks,
and these bowls with palm trees on them.
Why do we need all this stuff, and what's this costing me?
I don't care.
For once I would like to throw a party
that does not end with you in prison
behind a wall of empty beer cans.
Yeah... Alky-traz.
This year we're doing it my way.
It's bad enough we have to have all those people over--
Jeff, please. You see how excited I am about doing this?
Please don't ruin it for me.
Ruin it. I'm not...
ruinin' anything.
You stay excited, because I am totally on board.
I love these things!
Is that per bowl?
Hey, you.
I think everyone's really liking the Cuban theme.
We should throw parties like this more often.
Perhaps we should.
You really having fun?
If I was having any more fun, I'd explode...
killing everyone here.
Hey, Russell.
I gotta talk to you.
By the way, I was snooping around,
looking for birthday deal clues,
look what I found-- excellent!
Audrey probably spanks him with it,
scratches his monkey chest, slaps him around--
Russell, come on, come on.
This whole birthday deal thing's driving me crazy.
Jeff thinks I'm in over my head.
Don't listen to Early Man. This is a good thing.
Yeah, but what if what Jennifer wants is...
[WHISPERING] disgusting?
[WHISPERING] Then you win.
No. No, I don't. Look, you're single.
You can do anything you want with a girl
because by the next morning, you're gone.
Next morning?
- Later that night? - Mmm.
Whatever!
You never have to see her again.
I'm with Jennifer forever.
Right. Therein, my friend, lies your problem.
By the way, that...thing? It's a scoop for the litter box.
Is it now?
Take care.
- Hey! - Hey. Hi!
So I think I know what I want for my birthday deal!
You do?
I'm just worried that mine might be a little messy.
Messy. How?
It involves oil and some other sticky liquids.
It could ruin the sheets.
Okay. Oil and sticky liquids.
Oil and sticky liquids.
Oil...
Oil and sticky liqui--
The "Santa Fe Funnel Cake."
Hey, Audrey.
Hello, Russell.
Anyway...
Big night for Jeff, wouldn't you say?
Yes. It's his birthday.
Yes, it is.
So, are you gonna get him a special present?
Uh, this party.
And?
Hmm?
I think we're done here.
Come on!
[SIGHS]
Hey, birthday boy!
How's it goin'?
Better now.
So, I got you a present.
[CHUCKLES]
How'd you like some details
of a little chickie I was with last week?
That would be a very thoughtful gift.
All right.
I tell you what.
I'll give you some juicy deets
if you tell me what your birthday deal is.
No.
Maybe I'll just ask Audrey.
That would be a very poor and unhealthy decision.
Think so?
Imagine the Wilkinsons' surprise
when I pound you through the floor
and into their living room.
Gyeahh...
somebody get a Soloflex?
I'm sorry. Would you like some champagne?
Champagne?
[PINGS] A real glass.
Great! It's fantastic.
What're you doin'?
This is really good champagne.
Why are we giving this to our friends?
Because it's your birthday.
Look at all these bottles!
I tried to bite my tongue, but I--I'm sorry.
This is way too much. This night must've cost a fortune.
Why do you always have to put a price tag on things?
Because "things" cost money.
I'm just sayin' we could've done this party for a lot less.
Fine. I give up.
You know what's ironic?
That champagne was for a toast I was going to give
to tell all our friends what a sweet, special generous man you are.
I guess I can't do that now, can I?
Excuse me, everyone. I'd like to make a toast.
I'd like to thank you all for coming to my party,
but more importantly,
I would like to take a moment to thank Audrey
for all her hard work in putting it together.
It's much nicer and classier than I deserve,
but, then again... so is she.
Audrey, would you come here for a minute?
To Audrey.
ALL: To Audrey!
[GLASSES CLINKING]
Finish every drop.
Seriously, it's very expensive.
That was a great party.
Yes, it was.
I have decided what I want for my birthday deal. Have you?
Shall I go first?
Yeah. Let's do this.
Okay...
On my birthday every year... I want...
a foot massage as soon as I wake up,
then breakfast in bed,
fresh homemade blueberry pancakes
with expensive champagne and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
Then a back massage.
Then I go back to sleep and you clean the apartment.
Then when you're finished, you come back to bed...
you get under the covers...
and we watch The Notebook.
That's it? No crazy sex fantasy?
No.
Why not?
Because sex-wise I can get anything I want from you
any day of the year.
I mean, I'm a girl and you're a guy.
That's true.
So, for my birthday, I should get something
I can't get any other day of the year.
So that's it.
Oh...that's the girl I'm gonna marry.
I love you.
So, what's yours?
Oh! I wrote it down.
The Velvet Hat Trick?
Yeah. The description's on the back.
Oh, that's not how I do it.
I wish you'd let me tell people
that your birthday deal involves coming here
to recreate our first date.
People should know how sweet you are.
It's best if only you know.
Even that's pushin' it.
I'm going to the ladies' room.