I can't believe you got this. I've been on the waiting list for months.
- Yeah, well, I'm connected. - Come on.
Your cousin Larry's the night manager at the Paramus Toys 'R' Us.
You're not exactly mobbed up.
Gimme this.
No, no! Sorry! Sorry! You're mobbed up! You're mobbed up!
Okay, how about we start with this?
Oh-- "Video Golf"? Yeah, super.
I always wondered what it would be like
to be 70 and live in South Florida.
Come on. Put in the game where you blow things up
and you drive your car into hookers. Let's go.
Okay, yeah, but then "Golf."
- Hey. - Hey, guys. What are you doin'?
Maiden voyage of my new video game system.
Oh. Well, I hope you finished your homework first.
These games are not just for kids and losers anymore, honey.
Dirty whore.
What?!
No, he's talkin' to the game.
You were talking to the game, right?
No, no! She's not a whore! She's not a whore!
- Gimme! - Gimme, gimme, gimme!
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
♪♪ How many ways to say I love you ♪♪
♪♪ How many ways to say that I'm not scared ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denying ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
TV: ...dishes out to Marbury.
Marbury shoots a three-- no good!
-Game over! Knicks lose! - Come on!
[REMOTE BEEPING]
...inside, dishes out to Marbury,
Marbury shoots a three-- no good!
-Game over! Knicks lose! - Come on!!!
- Hey, Jeff? - Back here.
Oh, hey. Great news-- I got it!
Good. I'm starvin'.
Did you get the spicy dippin' sauce?
No. When I said "I got it," I meant I got the promotion.
Oh. That's good, too. Way to go. Kudos.
How about a little excitement, huh?
Maybe something on par with your enthusiasm for the dipping sauce.
Well, that's gone now because there is no dipping sauce.
Or hot wings to dip in.
Jeff, this is good for both of us.
More money, an extra week of vacation, tickets to the Met.
The Mets? Where are the seats?
The Met. The Metropolitan Opera.
One little "s" is the difference between
"Best news ever" and "Who cares?"
But...good work on the promotion.
Where are you going?
You came in here talking about wings. You got me all hungry.
So I'm gonna go out and get some.
Maybe some Mets tickets. Possibly a Kudos bar.
Such a nice day. You boys sure you don't want to play outside?
No way.
Man, this is the best five hundred bucks I've ever spent.
Oh, uh, by the way, the next time we see my cousin Larry
you have to show him your bra.
Five hundred dollars. Isn't that a lot to spend on a toy?
This is not a toy. It's is a state-of-the-art gaming console.
Plus, I really, really wanted it.
Well, I really wanted those Prada boots I saw at Barneys.
Well, you only said "really" once.
My point is, I didn't buy them
because I would have felt guilty spending so much money
on something that was just for me.
- You know, now that we're "us." - Honey, this is totally an "us" thing.
- Give her your control. - No, no, no!
- Give it to her! - No! Please! Auggh!
We should just talk to each other before we make big purchases.
Especially on something so frivolous.
What?! Friv--frivolous?!
Frivolous? This is a necessity, like air and oxygen.
Plus, it's hours of fun for the whole family.
Oooh! I just ran over three more whores.
Oops. That one was a mail lady.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Hello, bagful of Social Security checks. I'll take that.
Looks like Granny's eatin' dog food again this month.
What's the champagne for? Did you get it?
- I got it! - Congratulations!
You are now looking at the new senior deputy editor of Indoor Livingmagazine.
Well, let's open the champagne. Hey, guys, Audrey just got a big promotion at work.
- That's great! - Congratulations!
- Get out of the way!!! - Move!!!
We're tryin' to play thegame!
- Jeez. - They just got that game, they're really into it.
Well, don't let Jeff see it.
Back in the '90s he had a pretty serious case of Pac-Man fever.
He must have been really excited about your promotion.
Hmm. He wasn't.
A few days ago he lost this big account at work,
so I thought he'd be thrilled to have me bringing in extra money.
Jeff's pretty macho-- maybe he feels threatened by your success.
Yeah, I guess it was just bad timing.
I shouldn't have bragged about it right after he had a setback.
We forget, men can be very sensitive sometimes.
- Die, whore, die! - You got her!
- You got her! Yeah! - Yeah!
Anyway, I've been through this before.
I have an idea of something special I can do for Jeff to fix it.
Oh. Well, if you have to do that, you should probably have more of this.
Oh, God, no, notthat.
That's only when I've done something really wrong.
Or if my sister's coming to stay with us.
Come on! She got my wallet again!
Hey. Audrey.
Hey! There's my guy.
Wow, look at you.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Sit down and relax. Dinner's almost ready.
- What'd you order? - I didn't order anything. I cooked.
Okay, you either bought something really expensive
or your sister's coming to stay with us.
And if she is...
My sister's not coming.
It's just you're my man, and I want to make sure you're taken care of.
And that brings us back to...
No. I'm doing this because I realize the other day I was inconsiderate.
I came in flaunting my promotion when you'd had such a bad week at work.
- Bad week? - Yeah, you lost that account.
- I was glad to lose it. - Why?
The client was a pain. Always wanting status reports on his investments.
Here's the status: "You're annoying."
So, my promotion didn't bother you?
Not at all. I'm thrilled you got a promotion.
You deserve it. You're a smart cookie and a stone fox.
[CHUCKLES] Well, thank you.
Why weren't you this happy when I told you Tuesday night?
Tuesday night... The Knicks lost a game at the buzzer.
You're in a good mood now.
Last night they won.
You know, Jeff, after twelve years,
I expect at parties you're gonna disappear to check the score.
Or if we're at a restaurant with the game on
I'm not gonna get so much eye contact.
But this? This is a whole new level.
My promotion was less important to you than the Knicks losing.
- That's not true. - Oh, yes, it is.
You're more emotionally invested in your teams than you are in me.
I haven't been rootin' for you since I was five.
I am your wife.
Our lives should not be dictated by
the success or failures of strangers.
Strangers? Did I not meet Patrick Ewing...twice?
Fine. Why don't you invite him over for dinner?
Maybe he'll take care of you.
Okay. You know what? You're right. I'm sorry. I wanna make it up to you.
How? The moment's gone.
I'm gonna take you out tomorrow night for the celebration you deserve.
Well, that would be a start. What do you have in mind?
Knicks game.
Okay, there's no way you're that dumb.
No, I got tickets from work.
Floor seats. You're gonna get the VIP treatment,
sit right down on the floor with all the celebrities--
Spike Lee, Woody Allen, Matthew Modine.
- Okay. - Awright? Right.
This doesn't totally get you off the hook, though.
I'm gonna want another night out. Including a Broadway show.
- You don't mean--? - Oh, yes.
Possibly the kind where people start singing for no godly reason.
But who does that?
♪♪ I'd like to drink this brew ♪♪
♪♪ First one, then maybe two ♪♪
♪♪ Oooh ♪♪
See? It's stupid.
I'll have the turkey sandwich.
- Thanks. - Oooh.
Shouldn't you call Jennifer and ask if it's okay
that you spend those five dollars?
She's right, man. We're engaged now.
We have to be a team.
Dude, I'm not wearing a wire. Awright?
Jennifer's not here. You can speak freely.
She said she wouldn't spend a lot of money without talking to me first.
- You heard her. - Yeah, I heard her words. But let's examine her actions.
How much does she spend on herself each month?
- I don't know. - I do.
Makeup: 50. Waxing: 40.
Hair care products: 60. Haircut: 90.
Mani-pedi: 80.
- Wow. So she's spending, like-- - Over $300 a month.
Without talking to you. And you wanna know how much she spends on skincare?
- Yeah, I do. - No, you don't.
- How do you know all this? - I study the female animal.
Know your prey.
- Hey, guys. - Hey, Dunston. Checking in?
You're not goin' to the Knicks game with me.
Thanks for makin' that easy.
Now, aren't you due back in Paris Hilton's handbag?
Why aren't you takin' me with ya?
Audrey and I got in a fight. I'm takin' her to make up.
Oh, come on.
Audrey takes my Knicks ticket,
Jennifer's cramping my vid game time--
one of you has to dump your chick.
What was the fight about?
Audrey told me about her promotion right after the Knicks lost a close one,
I was less than jubilant, she thinks I care more about the Knicks than her.
Right. She's just figuring that out now?
No. I'll patch things up with Audrey and it'll get me courtside.
- It's win-win. - Is taking your wife to a game really win-win?
"Can I have the binoculars? Get me some popcorn.
"Ooh, give me the binoculars back. Look, there's ice cream.
"Hold on to the binoculars. Is that a sno-cone? Will you grab me one?
"Give me the binoculars back.
"I feel sick. How much longer is this?
Why did you let me eat all that?"
You don't want your putter.
You want the driver, that's your power club.
Now line it up, you pull it back, slowly...
and then whale on that dude's head with it.
Bam! Bam! Bam!
- Vrooom... - Yeah, don't be shy!
I got his Camaro!
Awright, guys, I'm going to get my hair done.
You know...you were right.
We should talk to each other before either of us spends a lot of money.
I'm glad you agree. I'll see you later.
Uh, hang on.
Shouldn't we talk about where you're having your hair done?
[LAUGHS]
Oh, you're serious?
Well, yeah. It's a big expenditure.
I'm going to Phillipe's, where I always go.
Hmm. And you get, what, a two-color process,
maybe a little conditioning toner at the end?
- Yes. - And that plus tip is how much?
You can't put a price on good hair color.
I bet Phillipe can. Probably close to 200 bucks.
Where are you getting this?
I refuse to reveal my source.
Russell?
Remind me to tell you a bunch of secrets.
You should go.
I can't. We're in the middle of a mega-game here.
No, you should go.
You try to help people...
Why would you listen to Russell's advice?
His longest relationship was three lap dances in a row.
You're pretty hypocritical, spending all that money on your hair.
I can't color it myself. I've been going to Phillipe for years.
Well, I played video games long before I met you.
Which is probably why it took you so long to meet me.
Look, this isn't just about my hair or your game.
It's about us spending on ourselves without talking to each other.
You're right. We need money for our wedding,
our honeymoon, and a flat screen TV.
Exactly. And how about this?
To begin our new plan of fiscal responsibility, I will color my own hair.
Okay, and I will sell my video game system to Russell
for an outrageous profit.
- It's fun working together! - Yeah!
All right. I will go to the drugstore and get my hair color kit.
All right, honey, I'm gonna box up the game.
Way to get rid of her, dude. Let's play.
This is gonna be great, Audrey.
They only get these floor seats once a year.
It's a different game up close.
Might even get sweat on us.
If we're lucky.
We should probably get goin', beat the crowd, get in those seats,
take in the atmosphere.
Floor seats, hello!
What's goin' on here, you havin' a yard sale?
I'm having wardrobe problems.
Oh, no, please...
please, not tonight, not with floor seats.
I've tried everything. Nothing looks good.
What you're wearing looks good. I told you that when you modeled it yesterday.
Well, yesterday it fit.
Today I'm all bloaty, and the seams are practically bursting open.
Since yesterday?
Are you calling me a liar?!
You're mad I don't agree you're fat.
There's a new twist on an old game.
I have two more possibilities. You tell me which one looks better.
I'll tell you right now. First one.
Jeff, you could at least pretend to care.
I was pretending.
Then...go without me.
No, no, no. I'm not falling for that one.
This is like when you said
I didn't have to do anything special for our anniversary.
You didn't have to. I thought maybe you would want to.
You should know subtle wordplay is lost on me.
Tonight is being torpedoed because you think you're fat.
I don't think I'm fat. I feel fat.
More wordplay.
Tonight was supposed to be fun for both of us,
but now you're in a bad mood because of your clothes.
And you know what? Your body and clothing issues are just like my sports.
- What?! - Yup.
When you think you look good and your clothes all fit, life is good.
But if not, it's foxhole time.
That is crazy.
Is it? Is it crazy?
Yes.
If it's crazy, wear what you got. Let's go.
- Fine. Let's go. - Great.
This is gonna be great.
With these seats, we're practically in the game.
You're gonna come away with a whole new appreciation for--
Audrey?
You're totally right. I can't do it.
I'm pathetic.
We're pathetic.
I don't wanna ruin your night. Why don't you go to the game?
Not without you.
I've got an idea about something you could wear
that will take care of all your problems.
[SIGHS]
[IMITATES VIDEO GAME NOISES]
[CONTINUES NOISES]
AUDREY: Coming out!
Okay, let me just finish my game.
Okay, I'm done.
Hey, look at you.
Yeah, I did it. Take that, expensive salon.
How's solitaire?
Just as good as my game system.
You know, I feel better having sacrificed for us and our financial future.
Well, me too. We make a great team.
We don't need to spend a lot of money to make us happy.
[CHUCKLING]
Oh, no.
- What is this? It's all over my hands! -It wasn't supposed to happen!
Ohh! It's burning my eye, honey!
- Oh! - It's burning my eye!
Aaaah! Get it out! Get it out!!!
Okay, what happened in there?
Everything's stained with brown dye.
It's not brown. It's Twilight Sequoia.
It's all over the sink and the towels and the walls.
It's like you executed a family of chocolate bunnies in there!
I must have forgotten to rinse. But it was confusing.
I couldn't figure out how to use the applicator,
then the mix splattered, and the gloves wouldn't fit, and...
you may want to buy a new toothbrush.
Lemme tell you something. Solitaire sucks, man.
I mean, I keep cheating and cheating,
and I still don't win.
I wanna go back to Phillipe.
Well, I think we both want that.
And you can get your video game back from Russell.
I doubt he'll sell it back to me.
You might have to show Cousin Larry some side-boob.
I'm gonna go shower.
Hold on. If I am going back to Phillipe
and you're getting your game back,
we're not sacrificing anything.
We sacrificed plenty-- the towels, the shower curtain,
possibly the vision in my right eye.
I thought we were gonna work together like a grown-up couple.
We still can. I mean, there's other sacrifices we can make.
- Like what? - Like walking more, taking fewer cabs.
And we could go to museums and the park instead of movies and concerts.
It's not gonna be easy, but we're in it together, right?
- Give me a kiss. - Ooh-- careful. Caustic chemicals.
You know what else I just thought of that's fun, and it's free?
Oooh. That's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
Are you willing to make it right now?
Ah--I--I-- I need, like, a half an hour.
I just sacrificed a few minutes ago.
Solitaire was really boring.
- Well, tonight was fun. - Yeah, it was.
Next time don't let me eat so much. I feel sick.
Of course you do.
Hey, I'm sorry I didn't get excited about your promotion.
I really am excited,
and I promise I'll be thrilled for the next one.
Oh, look, it's game highlights. Maybe we'll see us.
Nah, you almost never-- whoa!
Who is that handsome devil?
Well, pause it!
You said I looked cute in that outfit.
It's just paused funny.
Oh, I look terrible.
No, you don't.
Spike Lee was wearing the same thing, and he's adorable.
The shirt is way too big.
It looks like I'm being fumigated for termites.
[CHUCKLING] That's a good one.
Because it's not true.
Come on, Russell, you've been playing with that game all night.
- Come on. - No, no, no, no!
Fine. I'll put my clothes back on.
You'd rather play with that game than me.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Take it, take it. I don't want it.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]