You two are going out of town on a romantic getaway weekend?
We're actually gonna rent the car tonight so we can avoid all the traffic.
I know a good shortcut.
Uh, you don't know where we're going.
Doesn't matter. I know a shortcut.
Even we don't know yet.
It's a spur of the moment thing.
Oh, how fun.
When's the last time we did something like that?
Just last weekend. We made plans to do dinner and a movie.
And spur of the moment, we decided not to go.
[LAUGHS] That was fun to not do that.
Well, we wanna do this kind of stuff while we're still young
and not overwhelmed with work and kids.
Yeah. Sounds great.
Hey, how come you guys don't have kids?
Adam, you don't ask people things like that.
Why not?
Because maybe Jeff's shooting blanks.
Adam's sorry.
It's nothing like that, really.
When we were first married, we didn't wanna be tied down.
We wanted to travel-- see Europe.
- Must've been wonderful. - How long were you there?
Never went.
We went to Epcot Center, though.
It's pretty much the same thing.
Anyway, a couple years ago, we tried for about six months
and nothing happened, so...
It was too much pressure. Put it aside...
and decided to get busy with careers.
That's about it.
- Well, when the time is right. - Yeah.
- RUSSELL:Hey. - Hey, Russell.
Hey, Archie.
Betty, Veronica, Moose...
Hey, how's it goin'?
It's going good, Meatwad.
[LAUGHS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
That's funny? "Meatwad"?
- [ALL LAUGHING] - All right.
You wanna join us, Russell?
At the table or in your creepy cult of monogamy, hm?
No, thanks. I'm just pickin' up a coffee to go.
You just make jokes about relationships
'cause you wish you could have one.
- RUSSELL:Mm. - You're just jealous.
You know what? I am a little bit jealous.
You're right. Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go do whatever I feel like doing all the time.
God, it's sad the way he tries to make his life sound good.
Really.
[CHUCKLES]
♪♪How many ways to say I love you♪♪
♪♪ How many ways to say ♪♪
♪♪ That I'm not scared ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denying ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
Russell?
Yes, ma'am?
Constance.
Constance Williams!
I lived in the building you grew up in.
Oh, my God! Of course! Hi!
You used to take care of my cat.
Oh, that's right.
What was her name?
I wanna say... Pickles...
Snuffles.
Yes, Snuffles.
Well, it's great to see you, Constance.
Or...should I call you "Mrs. Robinson"?
Oh...
So, you remember that, too.
Well, who could forget?
The best 18th-birthday present ever.
Yes, I made you show me your driver's license
because I thought you were 14.
Well, the moustache hadn't fully come in yet.
It will.
What an afternoon that was. You were so cute.
Well, who isn't cute with feathered hair
and a skinny piano tie?
Come on.
You were so nervous.
Well, Snuffles was in the room
staring at me.
And it was over so fast.
Staring and judging.
And then she jumped on me right in the middle of it.
Oh, I don't think it lasted long enough
to even have a middle.
All right. Well, you made your point.
Anyway, it was a long time ago.
Yes, it was.
Every time I think back on it,
it makes me chuckle!
Anyway...
if you want, you can put your items with mine.
I get the senior discount.
Aw, that's sweet.
Eh.
Hey...do you think that we'll have kids when we're married
as long as Jeff and Audrey?
We don't even have a wedding date yet.
We don't need to worry about that now.
That's probably what they thought, so let's learn from them
and decide some of our big life issues right now.
Okay. I was thinking...
we'd have two kids.
Same here! Yeah. We can move out of the city
and get a house in like seven to ten years.
- Yes! - Yes.
Somewhere really peaceful, but...
But close enough to Manhattan
so that we can make the quick drive in.
- Exactly! - [BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, and if I'm ever on life support,
I want you to pull the plug.
Oh, my God. Pull my plug, too.
This is so great.
You know, I hate it when couples say they're soul mates.
Oh, I know. Me, too. It's so lame and fake.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
[SIGHS]
But we're soul mates.
Totally.
All right.
Don't want any...
glare on the ol' flatscreen.
I've wanted to see this movie for months.
And tonight... is the perfect night.
[MOVIE PLAYS]
Are we terrible people for not having kids yet?
Um...
No, we're not terrible people.
I mean, seriously, just about everybody we know has kids.
Well, that's why we stopped hanging out with them.
It's all...
"Suzy got a new tooth" or "Little Jimmy made a poo-poo."
Real interesting.
You know, I think it's interesting if it'syour kid.
The same way your Fantasy Football stories
are only interesting to you.
People like it when I talk about myFantasy--
Oh, no, they don't.
Honey, your stories stink like...
"Little Jimmy's poo-poo."
Hm.
Well, you do want kids, right?
I know I'd love a son.
Or a...a son and a daughter.
[LAUGHING] Well, look...
since we never had success before,
maybe as a first step, we should both go get checked out.
Yeah. Checked out. Good.
That way we'll know if one of us has a problem in that area.
Yeah. I mean, it could be your swimmers.
It could be your pool.
Well, whatever it is, we'll find out,
and then we can take steps to fix it.
You mean take steps to fix the pool.
Or the swimmers.
You call your pool guy.
Call your lifeguard.
Look, whatever it is, we'll deal with it together.
We will. Now let's just watch the movie.
Okay.
[MOVIE PLAYS]
Tsk. Pool.
Yes, yes! One big dog and one little dog.
That's what I want, too.
This is so great.
Our brains are totally in sync.
I know!
Is yours thinking about your boobs, too?
- Ugh! - Sorry.
All I'll need now is to see your driver's license.
Oh, okay.
Oh, I wanna put my license on there, too.
No, you don't have to.
I'm driving. I'm the man.
Of course you're the man.
I was just thinking I should be able to drive
in case you have to get out of the car
and kill a bear or something...
That's...that's a good point.
Plus, you'll be doing a lot of driving
when we have our house in the suburbs...
- With our two kids... - And our two dogs...
It's so great that we agree on our entire lives!
I know, I know. I'll go off to work,
and you'll drive the kids to school in the mini-van,
maybe do a little yoga, a little shopping.
You come home, walk the dogs...
Yeah. I don't know if I'll have time for all that-- I'll be working.
I know, honey. Raising a family is a full-time job.
So is running your own graphic design firm,
which is what I'll be doing.
Uh, who's watching the kids?
- We'll get help. - No.
No, I don't want a stranger
raising our kids.
She's not a stranger.
She's a delightful English lady
who at times may break into song.
Besides, we'll need two salaries
to get the house we want.
No, no, no. We don't want a mortgage so big
that we both have to work.
Well, then you stay at home with the kids.
No, I'm not staying home with the kids!
You know how crazy work is right now!
You know, maybe we shouldn't go on this damn romantic weekend.
Maybe we shouldn't.
Okay. You're all set.
And here are your keys.
We don't need the car.
No,you don't need the car.
But I'm gonna drive around while I'm still young
and strong enough to kill a bear!
She's 60?
Hope you used protection
or you might've caught osteoporosis.
Well, she was 39 when we got together.
And she was 39 and 10 seconds
when we finished.
- That's pretty weak. - Oh, come on.
I was young. Plus, her cat Snuffles was staring at me the whole time.
Freaked me out.
I once dated a girl
whose dog would watch us and bark.
Like he owned that position.
Yeah. You don't expect that from man's best friend.
It just bugs me that there's some woman
floating around out there saying I'm bad in bed, you know?
Who knows who she talks to.
Pharmacists...
Meals-on-Wheels guys...
Well, she was hot.
And she still...
looks good-ish.
Oh, God.
You're, uh...
you're not gonna do what I think you're gonna do...
[LAUGHS] Yes, I am!
But I'm gonna do it better than you think I'm gonna do.
I gotta set the record straight on this one.
Wow.
I'm torn between "keep me posted"
and "keep it to yourself."
[LAUGHS]
Can we get change for a meter?
Hey, what's up, Meatwad?
[LAUGHS]
That one's mine now.
Hey...
Hey, if you guys want, you can take the food to go
and eat in my car while we drive around.
Yeah, I really wanna eat my waffles off my lap
in a Ford Focus.
No, no. I upgraded, man.
I got a Mustang.
Oh, you should've said something--no.
I thought you and Jennifer were going out of town this weekend.
Yeah, well, we canceled 'cause we got in a fight.
- About what? - Ah, you know...
Kids, the house, money.
You got none of those things.
Yet.
Anyway, she wanted to turn the car in,
but I kept it just to show her.
So, I win.
Ah, crap! I'm getting a ticket!
Look at this guy.
Relationships sound terrible.
You know what? I still need the thrill of the chase.
It's not much of a chase
when both her hips are titanium.
And once we have the sample,
we'll check motility,
which is how well they swim,
morphology, where we look for any abnormalities,
then we'll calculate the total, which is determined
by multiplying concentration by volume.
Growing up, I played a lot of team sports,
and I always wore a cup, in case that affects things.
That shouldn't be a problem.
Shouldn't be a problem.
Didn't think it would be.
Okay, great. So, uh, how much do you need?
Excuse me?
He's just a little nervous.
Honey, you just do your thing once,
and then they'll take what they need.
Oh, okay. So, um, can we have your office
for about ten minutes, doc?
Jeff...
Actually, we have a private room
in which you can... produce the sample.
- By myself... - Yes.
The moment you've been practicing for all these years.
She's just kiddin'. I don't...
It's fine.
Okay, I do.
In the room, you'll find an assortment of visual aids.
- A sex magazine? - Yes.
Nice.
Where are they stashed?
They're right there in plain view.
Very nice.
I married him.
Wow...interview with Brett Favre.
It was such a nice surprise
to get a dinner invitation from you, Russell.
Well, I figured I owe you
for all the butterscotch candy you used to give me.
Plus, I thought it'd be a good chance to catch up.
What a nice idea.
So, how is good ol' Snuffles?
Oh, she passed on.
Old age. But you know, she did have a litter.
Wait. Was the father Mr. Balasko's Siamese?
- Yes! - I knew something
was going on with those two.
Oh, look. With your entree, you have a choice of soup or salad.
And what are the soups?
Split pea and lobster bisque.
Both delicious choices.
I also enjoy chowder.
It walks that fine line between soup and stew.
Look, why don't we cut the crap.
We both know where this is headed.
Yes, we do.
Check, please!
We haven't ordered yet.
Even better.
[SIGHS]
Come on, Jeff.
You don't have to read all the magazines.
JEFF: Damn it!
You made me miss.
-What? - You made me miss.
You knocked just as I was teein' off,
and I shanked it.
Are younude?
If I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do it right.
And why did you knock?
Well, I'm sorry, but you were taking forever.
I was romancing myself.
Why? You know how easy you are.
With you, maybe. With myself, I like a little foreplay.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take a quick nap
and then play the back nine.
How's the romantic weekend with your car going?
It's going great. Mm-hmm.
And it's good I kept it. You know why?
Because I realized that our relationship is like a car.
We're assuming the ride will be smooth,
but then we come out of the diner
and our relationship is being towed!
The car got towed?
Yes! Yes, it did.
Yeah. And--and you and I arguing
over houses and kids?
I mean, it's-- it's stupid.
It's like me arguing with the tow truck guy.
I mean, if it's a loading zone, then it's a loading zone.
Adam, everything was fine until we started arguing about the future.
Yeah, the stupid, stupid future!
We can't decide everything right now.
It's like trying to predict the weather.
They actually do that.
You know what I mean.
The important thing is that wherever we go,
we're in this together, even if it's places that we don't expect.
Yeah, or even places that scare us...
like an impound lot under the West Side Highway.
I mean, why argue about stuff in the future
when we have plenty of stuff to argue about in the present?
Yes, we do.
Like the stupidity of you keeping the car!
Or the stupidity of you leaving your shoes
all over so I trip over them!
Or the stupidity of you not looking down when you walk!
Or the stupidity of your pants being on right now.
My pants?! What about your pants?!
My God! They are stupid.
- Bedroom? - How about rental car?
And don't hold back! I paid for insurance.
CONSTANCE: I'll be ready in a minute!
I'm just taking my blood pressure pills.
Okay!
[EXHALES]
You're a star.
You're a big, bright, shining star.
Woo! Woo!
[GRUNTING]
Show me what you've learned in the last 20 years.
Now the pupil...
has become the teacher.
[MOANING]
- Son of a bitch. - [HISSES]
[HISSES]
- [RUSSELL SCREAMING] - [CAT HISSING, MEOWING]
[DOOR OPENS]
Hey.
Hey. The doctor's called.
And?
And...I checked out fine. Everything's working.
Good.
[SIGHS] So...it's my swimmers.
Well, they're just a little slow.
Come on!
Jeff, it is nothing to worry about.
Nothing to worry about?
We're talking about my junk here.
I know. But it's very common and easily treatable.
The doctor gave me this list of simple things
you can do to just speed 'em up.
"Wear loose underwear."
Sometimes I wear no underwear.
I know. The guys you play basketball with have complained to me.
Yeah, let 'em complain. Nobody crowds me under the boards.
"No hot tubs"? What a gyp.
Just go to a bar
like a regular softball team.
What's this?
It's an herbal powder he recommends.
You mix it with water and drink two a day.
Scotch has water in it.
All right. What are we sayin' here?
Let's just say you do the things the doctor recommends and...
we'll see what happens.
Let nature take its course.
Yeah.
You would be a great mom.
[SIGHS] You would be such a great dad.
For a boy.
Or...a boy and a girl.
Come here.
Check this out.
Last night in bed, Audrey bit me.
I got that beat.
Ah, yeah.
Bruise...
from the gearshift knob of my rental car.
- Wow. - Yeah.
I think we have a winner!
Did that happen while you were "driving Miss Daisy"?
Yeah. Her cat attacked me right in the middle.
[LAUGHS] Ooh, tough break, man.
Actually, it helped.
The searing pain made me last longer.
She said I was the best she ever had.
Congratulations. I guess you closed the book on that one.
That's right. I now have 100% customer satisfaction.
- Russell? - Hey.
Constance.
Constance Williams!
I lived in the building you grew up in.
Yeah, I know.
You used to take care of my cat Pickles.
Snuffles.
Why, I haven't seen you in 20 years.
Hold on. You do remember
our little liaison we had, don't you?
Of course.
On your 18th birthday.
You were so cute and so nervous,
and it was over so fast.
[CHUCKLES]
Son...of a bitch.
[SIGHS]
Okay...