1
00:00:01,568 --> 00:00:02,502
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

2
00:00:02,502 --> 00:00:04,771
Well, that is it.
It's not my apartment,

3
00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:05,472
it is officially ours.

4
00:00:05,472 --> 00:00:07,474
The closet and drawers
are all divvied up.

5
00:00:07,474 --> 00:00:12,112
Mm-hm. And I think
the 80/20 split is very fair.

6
00:00:13,380 --> 00:00:15,915
Uh, you...

7
00:00:15,915 --> 00:00:18,151
[IN SQUEAKY VOICE]
Me.

8
00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:20,420
When you proposed,
you knew I was a girl.

9
00:00:20,420 --> 00:00:25,192
Oh, yes, I did. One of the
things I love most about you.

10
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:25,692
Mm, mm.

11
00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:27,894
Hey, why don't you
put the clothes you're wearing

12
00:00:27,894 --> 00:00:29,696
into one of your drawers?
Oh, and why don't you

13
00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:32,799
put the clothes you're wearing
into one of your drawers?

14
00:00:32,799 --> 00:00:36,136
Because my drawers
are in the kitchen.

15
00:00:37,070 --> 00:00:39,106
But-- But maybe we could
use this shelf

16
00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:41,074
if we find somewhere else
to put this.

17
00:00:41,074 --> 00:00:41,974
Oh, I forgot I had that.

18
00:00:41,974 --> 00:00:45,878
My dad gave it to me. He wanted
me to document my valuables.

19
00:00:45,878 --> 00:00:48,748
But this is, uh, interesting.

20
00:00:48,748 --> 00:00:49,382
How so?

21
00:00:49,382 --> 00:00:52,051
Well, we were gonna,
you know,

22
00:00:52,051 --> 00:00:54,020
and then you found
this video camera.

23
00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:58,725
You want to document our
valuables before we do it?

24
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,328
No.

25
00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:02,962
Oh, I get it.

26
00:01:02,962 --> 00:01:04,231
[LAUGHS]
I mean, you really want

27
00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:06,733
to videotape us?
I don't know. What do you think?

28
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:10,437
I-- I think lights,
camera, sexy action,

29
00:01:10,437 --> 00:01:12,038
you know?
[GIGGLES]

30
00:01:12,305 --> 00:01:15,475
This will be great because I can
watch it when you're not here.

31
00:01:15,475 --> 00:01:19,979
Adam Rhodes, I did not know you
were such a dirty little perv.

32
00:01:19,979 --> 00:01:21,047
Ooh, surprise.

33
00:01:21,047 --> 00:01:25,218
Okay, but I don't want
anyone to know that we did this.

34
00:01:25,218 --> 00:01:25,818
Of course.

35
00:01:25,818 --> 00:01:27,053
Unless some funny blooper
happens,

36
00:01:27,053 --> 00:01:29,389
then we send it
to that home videos show.

37
00:01:29,389 --> 00:01:30,957
Yeah, I mean 10 grand
is 10 grand.

38
00:01:30,957 --> 00:01:32,792
Good. And now
I won't have to imagine

39
00:01:32,792 --> 00:01:34,961
you doing those
provocative yoga poses.

40
00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:36,263
You imagine me doing yoga?

41
00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:38,998
Oh, yeah, honey.
You, stretching,

42
00:01:38,998 --> 00:01:42,068
black spandex, like a cat.

43
00:01:42,068 --> 00:01:43,770
Meow.

44
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:46,506
Like a silent cat.

45
00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:48,175
All right, press record
and get in bed.

46
00:01:48,175 --> 00:01:50,009
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

47
00:01:50,009 --> 00:01:54,581
♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

48
00:01:55,014 --> 00:01:59,786
♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

49
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:02,522
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

50
00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:04,791
♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

51
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:09,262
♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

52
00:02:11,030 --> 00:02:14,033
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

53
00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:16,035
Yeah, I heard what the German
and the fed said

54
00:02:16,035 --> 00:02:18,438
but I don't think
we have to overreact.

55
00:02:18,438 --> 00:02:20,873
Look, I'd love to, uh,
discuss your portfolio with you

56
00:02:20,873 --> 00:02:24,311
for another hour, but I'm
just stepping into a meeting.

57
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,213
[CAN HISSES]

58
00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:30,450
Uh, my secretary
just opened a beer can.

59
00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:33,920
There goes, uh,
her 30-day chip.

60
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:35,355
So I gotta go.

61
00:02:35,355 --> 00:02:37,056
All right, bye.

62
00:02:39,859 --> 00:02:41,461
[SIGHS]

63
00:02:41,461 --> 00:02:42,495
Oh, hey, hon.

64
00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,431
We're out of those
pretzel nuggets

65
00:02:44,431 --> 00:02:46,533
with the peanut butter inside.

66
00:02:46,533 --> 00:02:48,167
Oh. So annoying.

67
00:02:48,167 --> 00:02:51,671
Tell me about it.
I stick my hand in the bag...

68
00:02:52,004 --> 00:02:55,141
Nothing but nugget dust.

69
00:02:56,509 --> 00:03:01,080
I'm sensing your irritation
is not nugget-related.

70
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:02,081
What's the matter?

71
00:03:02,081 --> 00:03:05,785
It's-- It's nothing.
Just forget it. Forget it.

72
00:03:05,785 --> 00:03:09,889
Ten years ago, I would've
fallen into that trap.

73
00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:11,824
Come on, bend my ear.

74
00:03:11,824 --> 00:03:15,862
Okay, when you say "hi"
to someone in an elevator,

75
00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:17,664
how should a normal person
respond?

76
00:03:17,664 --> 00:03:19,666
Oh, the woman
with the purple hat?

77
00:03:19,666 --> 00:03:23,303
Again. I say "hi" to her,
I get nothing back.

78
00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:25,538
You know, last week I even held
the elevator door

79
00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:28,275
so she could make it on.
Still, silence.

80
00:03:28,275 --> 00:03:29,409
Look, maybe she's deaf.

81
00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:30,410
She's not deaf.

82
00:03:30,410 --> 00:03:31,711
She's just rude.

83
00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:33,713
You can be both.

84
00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:38,285
In college I had this really
obnoxious blind friend.

85
00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:43,155
Look, why do you care if
a stranger talks to you anyway?

86
00:03:43,155 --> 00:03:46,659
I don't even care if people
I like talk to me.

87
00:03:46,659 --> 00:03:48,595
Well, I'm not you.

88
00:03:48,595 --> 00:03:50,096
I'm glad you're not.

89
00:03:50,096 --> 00:03:54,133
If you were, that would make me
gay for myself.

90
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:56,068
Right?

91
00:03:57,370 --> 00:03:58,705
Look, I know it's stupid

92
00:03:58,705 --> 00:04:01,508
and it shouldn't bother me,
but it does.

93
00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:02,174
And that bothers me.

94
00:04:02,174 --> 00:04:05,312
All right, you want me to talk
to her? I'll talk to her.

95
00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:06,579
Boom, problem solved.

96
00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:07,046
No, no boom.

97
00:04:07,046 --> 00:04:09,349
No, I don't want you
to talk to her.

98
00:04:09,349 --> 00:04:11,618
Ah.
Then what do you want me to do?

99
00:04:11,618 --> 00:04:13,219
Nothing, I--

100
00:04:13,219 --> 00:04:14,421
You know how I always tell you

101
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:16,456
I don't need you
to fix everything?

102
00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:18,325
This is one of those times,
okay?

103
00:04:18,325 --> 00:04:22,495
I just need you to listen
and understand.

104
00:04:22,495 --> 00:04:24,597
I don't understand.

105
00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:26,466
After 12 years of marriage,

106
00:04:26,466 --> 00:04:27,967
I would think you would
get it by now.

107
00:04:27,967 --> 00:04:31,871
I would think by now you would
get that I don't get it.

108
00:04:32,872 --> 00:04:36,876
You know, Dian Fossey
had an easier time

109
00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:38,210
communicating with apes.

110
00:04:38,210 --> 00:04:40,547
I'm sure Dian Fossey didn't
complain to the apes

111
00:04:40,547 --> 00:04:43,283
that the villagers
didn't say "hi" to her.

112
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:47,320
You know, I am so glad
I shared with you.

113
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:48,621
Give me another chance.

114
00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:53,793
Give me another chance
to listen and understand.

115
00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:56,463
Go ahead,
bitch about something else.

116
00:04:59,031 --> 00:05:00,933
Ha-ha-ha. Wow.

117
00:05:00,933 --> 00:05:02,101
Thank you. Thanks.

118
00:05:02,101 --> 00:05:03,403
Purple-hat lady is no longer

119
00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:05,972
the most annoying person
of my day.

120
00:05:08,408 --> 00:05:10,843
I hear you

121
00:05:10,843 --> 00:05:13,045
and I understand.

122
00:05:13,045 --> 00:05:17,283
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

123
00:05:17,283 --> 00:05:18,785
[CHORTLING]

124
00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:19,986
Hey, I found you.

125
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:22,254
Where's my pot of gold?

126
00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:28,828
OS. That's text talk
for "one second."

127
00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:31,564
[DIALS]
Oh, yeah.

128
00:05:31,564 --> 00:05:33,199
She liked that one.

129
00:05:33,199 --> 00:05:34,033
[GIGGLES]

130
00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:36,803
Who is she
and what are you doing?

131
00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:38,304
Uh, this is text dating.

132
00:05:38,304 --> 00:05:39,138
It's when you text a woman,

133
00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:41,974
then you decide who you want
to meet face to face.

134
00:05:41,974 --> 00:05:44,777
Isn't it easier to meet a woman
the old-fashioned way?

135
00:05:44,777 --> 00:05:47,346
Oh, conk them
over the head with a club

136
00:05:47,346 --> 00:05:49,916
and drag back to cave?

137
00:05:51,818 --> 00:05:53,285
How well do you think
you'll text

138
00:05:53,285 --> 00:05:56,589
with that thing
lodged in your colon?

139
00:05:56,589 --> 00:05:59,225
Well, it's got Bluetooth,

140
00:05:59,225 --> 00:06:01,928
so it gets reception anywhere.

141
00:06:01,928 --> 00:06:04,731
I'm liking this one.
She's smart.

142
00:06:04,731 --> 00:06:06,298
She laughing at all me jokes.

143
00:06:06,298 --> 00:06:08,935
LOL: laugh out loud.

144
00:06:08,935 --> 00:06:10,670
[LAUGHS]

145
00:06:10,670 --> 00:06:11,738
Dude, this thing is great.

146
00:06:11,738 --> 00:06:13,072
When I'm getting to know a girl

147
00:06:13,072 --> 00:06:14,641
she can't see me yawning.

148
00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:17,209
Maybe I should
get Audrey one of those.

149
00:06:17,209 --> 00:06:20,480
Ooh, trouble in scare-adise?

150
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,415
Yeah, she's mad at some woman
in the building.

151
00:06:22,415 --> 00:06:24,651
I wanted to help fix things,
she didn't want me to.

152
00:06:24,651 --> 00:06:27,520
When she's upset,
I gotta do something.

153
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:28,220
You want my advice?

154
00:06:28,220 --> 00:06:31,824
I already know
how to download porn.

155
00:06:33,092 --> 00:06:33,860
Here's what you do:

156
00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:35,762
When Audrey gets mad at you
about something,

157
00:06:35,762 --> 00:06:39,031
you get even madder
about that same something.

158
00:06:39,031 --> 00:06:41,634
Why?
Because it disarms her,

159
00:06:41,634 --> 00:06:42,769
turns the tabes,

160
00:06:42,769 --> 00:06:45,672
then suddenly
she has to calm you down.

161
00:06:45,672 --> 00:06:47,607
Food for thought.

162
00:06:47,607 --> 00:06:48,875
Well...

163
00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:51,678
Now food for belly.

164
00:06:52,344 --> 00:06:55,281
Oh, no, she's getting nasty.

165
00:06:55,281 --> 00:06:56,783
[CHUCKLES]

166
00:06:56,783 --> 00:06:59,285
A little privacy, sir.

167
00:07:05,892 --> 00:07:07,460
Oh.

168
00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:11,964
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

169
00:07:11,964 --> 00:07:12,865
Okay.

170
00:07:12,865 --> 00:07:16,936
Time for the world premiere
of our sexy sex tape.

171
00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:17,369
Oh.

172
00:07:17,369 --> 00:07:19,806
And I have a feeling
there's gonna be a sequel.

173
00:07:19,806 --> 00:07:22,642
Oh, it's already
in the works.

174
00:07:22,642 --> 00:07:23,843
Mm.
Mm.

175
00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:25,244
[GIGGLES]

176
00:07:25,244 --> 00:07:27,714
And here we go.

177
00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:30,517
[JENNIFER LAUGHING]

178
00:07:35,988 --> 00:07:38,991
Is it just me,
or is this not hot?

179
00:07:39,425 --> 00:07:40,827
It's a lot of things.

180
00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:42,995
Hot is not one of them.

181
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:46,699
I'm just laying there
like a lox.

182
00:07:46,699 --> 00:07:50,570
And what--? What is--?
What is that face I'm making?

183
00:07:50,570 --> 00:07:52,672
Am I--? Am I crying?

184
00:07:55,274 --> 00:07:57,276
We are not tan.

185
00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,012
I should be at the gym.

186
00:08:00,012 --> 00:08:02,014
All the time.

187
00:08:02,014 --> 00:08:04,316
Don't we make any noise?

188
00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:07,920
Move! Do something!

189
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,789
Oh, not that!

190
00:08:11,357 --> 00:08:12,324
Turn it off!

191
00:08:12,324 --> 00:08:15,127
Uh, okay. It's off.

192
00:08:24,470 --> 00:08:25,638
Wow.

193
00:08:25,638 --> 00:08:27,807
Maybe the problem's
the lights.

194
00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:29,408
Yes, they were on.

195
00:08:29,408 --> 00:08:31,210
All right,
so should we just move

196
00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:33,980
to the "having sex now" part?

197
00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:35,715
Yeah, I mean,

198
00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:38,918
maybe that will help us
forget what we just saw.

199
00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:48,194
It's too soon.

200
00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:50,630
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

201
00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:55,902
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

202
00:08:59,038 --> 00:08:59,939
Hey, what's up?

203
00:08:59,939 --> 00:09:02,008
Game. Baseball. Close.

204
00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:03,242
Ninth inning.

205
00:09:03,242 --> 00:09:05,077
Hey, you remember
Trish from work?

206
00:09:05,077 --> 00:09:07,246
We just had
her going-away party.

207
00:09:07,246 --> 00:09:08,414
It was so much fun.

208
00:09:08,414 --> 00:09:10,082
Uh-huh.
Oh, I know.

209
00:09:10,082 --> 00:09:11,851
She's moving to Tampa
to be near her mom,

210
00:09:11,851 --> 00:09:13,986
but she's my closest friend
there,

211
00:09:13,986 --> 00:09:15,421
so it's a little upsetting.

212
00:09:15,421 --> 00:09:16,856
Upsetting? You're upset?

213
00:09:16,856 --> 00:09:18,157
Yeah.
No, no, no.

214
00:09:18,157 --> 00:09:20,593
Don't be upset. Uh...

215
00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:23,763
I'm sure she'll say "hi" soon.

216
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,299
Were you even listening to me?

217
00:09:27,299 --> 00:09:28,701
Yeah, I was listening.

218
00:09:28,701 --> 00:09:31,203
And, uh... I'm mad.

219
00:09:31,203 --> 00:09:33,039
At what?
At what you're upset about.

220
00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:34,473
Trish?
Yeah, where does she get off?

221
00:09:34,473 --> 00:09:37,644
I'm steamed as hell at her.
I'm madder than you are!

222
00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:38,077
Why?

223
00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:40,146
Because of what she did
to upset you.

224
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:42,148
I mean, come on!

225
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:44,050
Trish is moving to Florida

226
00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:45,251
to take care
of her dying mother.

227
00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:48,320
Yeah, well, I'll tell you
what I'm mad at:

228
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:51,758
The doctors who are
just giving up on her.

229
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:55,394
I mean, come on.

230
00:09:55,394 --> 00:09:58,598
What--?
What are you doing?

231
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,200
Getting madder than you.

232
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,435
Trying to turn the tabes.

233
00:10:06,072 --> 00:10:11,010
Every conversation with you
is-- Is a new adventure.

234
00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:12,879
I know that you're mad at me,

235
00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:15,381
but not half as mad
as I am at myself.

236
00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:20,352
I mean, what kind of stunt are
you trying to pull here, Jeff?

237
00:10:20,352 --> 00:10:24,824
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

238
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:29,528
Hey, Russell, let me--
Let me ask you something.

239
00:10:29,528 --> 00:10:32,264
Uh, I'm busy, son.

240
00:10:32,699 --> 00:10:36,836
Have you ever videotaped
you and a girl having sex?

241
00:10:40,707 --> 00:10:43,910
Why, yes I have.
Why do you ask?

242
00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:45,011
No, I'm just--

243
00:10:45,011 --> 00:10:47,814
I'm curious what
homemade stuff looks like.

244
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:50,249
You know, probably all
pretty bad, right?

245
00:10:50,249 --> 00:10:51,918
Wrong.

246
00:10:51,918 --> 00:10:53,152
Check out my work.

247
00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:55,354
Oh, whoa, whoa, I don't--

248
00:10:55,354 --> 00:10:56,355
I don't wanna see that.

249
00:10:56,355 --> 00:10:59,558
What?
It's very tastefully done.

250
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:02,795
Okay.

251
00:11:03,963 --> 00:11:06,298
Oh, good God!

252
00:11:06,699 --> 00:11:08,835
Oh, starting now.

253
00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:12,504
Well, it's good quality.

254
00:11:12,504 --> 00:11:14,440
Yeah.
Pretty small, though.

255
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,608
Ah, she has big hands.

256
00:11:19,045 --> 00:11:19,746
I--

257
00:11:19,746 --> 00:11:22,014
I meant the screen is small.

258
00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:24,316
Oh, the screen is small.
Yeah, it's tiny.

259
00:11:24,316 --> 00:11:26,452
Um, so, what's the deal?

260
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:28,420
Are you and Jen
thinking about making a

261
00:11:28,420 --> 00:11:31,157
[WHISPERING]
sex tape?

262
00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:33,525
Oh, dude, you already made one.

263
00:11:33,525 --> 00:11:36,462
Nice. Did you go Hilton
or Tommy Lee?

264
00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:37,496
Uh, what?

265
00:11:37,496 --> 00:11:39,799
With the camera.
Did you go tripod or hand-held?

266
00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:41,133
Oh-- Oh, uh,
a little of each.

267
00:11:41,133 --> 00:11:45,805
Oh, good work,
Martin Scor-sleazy.

268
00:11:46,138 --> 00:11:48,174
So when can I come
and check it out?

269
00:11:48,174 --> 00:11:49,208
You can't.

270
00:11:49,208 --> 00:11:51,343
Oh, Jen's uptight about it.

271
00:11:51,343 --> 00:11:55,514
You know what, I'll watch it
at home. What's the website?

272
00:11:55,782 --> 00:11:56,648
There's no website.

273
00:11:56,648 --> 00:11:58,517
You know, and if Jen finds out
that you know,

274
00:11:58,517 --> 00:12:01,487
I'll tell everyone about
your calf implants.

275
00:12:01,487 --> 00:12:03,089
Ah! Shh!

276
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,794
We understand each other.

277
00:12:07,794 --> 00:12:08,828
Yeah, all right.

278
00:12:08,828 --> 00:12:09,962
No, we just--
We just, you know,

279
00:12:09,962 --> 00:12:11,898
wanted to do something
to spice up our love life,

280
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:15,234
but it-- It's bad, man.
I mean, it's very bad.

281
00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:16,135
I can't get it out of my head.

282
00:12:16,135 --> 00:12:19,305
Yeah, you know, the key to a
good tape is that it's a movie,

283
00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:20,506
not a play.
Okay.

284
00:12:20,506 --> 00:12:22,408
First you make love
to the camera,

285
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:22,942
then the woman.

286
00:12:22,942 --> 00:12:25,677
Then the other woman.
Then bring your friend--

287
00:12:25,677 --> 00:12:26,412
Okay.

288
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:28,080
Okay, yeah, I get it.

289
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,148
Suit yourself.

290
00:12:29,148 --> 00:12:29,949
Check out how cool this is.

291
00:12:29,949 --> 00:12:33,920
I tap on her naked body and
all her contact info comes up.

292
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:34,686
Ha-ha!

293
00:12:34,686 --> 00:12:36,055
Cool.
Isn't that cool?

294
00:12:36,055 --> 00:12:36,622
Hey, guys.
Hey.

295
00:12:36,622 --> 00:12:38,690
Listen, I finally set up
a face to face

296
00:12:38,690 --> 00:12:42,261
with that chick that was LOLing
at all my text messages.

297
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:44,096
I think there's
a connection there.

298
00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:45,564
Oh, good, good.
I hope it works out

299
00:12:45,564 --> 00:12:46,966
better than that advice
you gave me.

300
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:49,601
I tried that getting-madder-
than-she-is thing.

301
00:12:49,601 --> 00:12:50,702
It totally backfired.

302
00:12:50,702 --> 00:12:53,806
I have no idea what to do now.

303
00:12:53,806 --> 00:12:54,907
[GROANS]

304
00:12:54,907 --> 00:12:57,276
Just run, dude.

305
00:12:58,377 --> 00:13:00,212
Why do I keep listening
to your advice?

306
00:13:00,212 --> 00:13:03,715
It's like those people who keep
calling the Three Stooges

307
00:13:03,715 --> 00:13:06,285
to fix their plumbing.

308
00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:09,188
They never make it better.

309
00:13:09,889 --> 00:13:12,992
Hey, have, uh, you ever made
a sex tape with Audrey?

310
00:13:12,992 --> 00:13:13,692
No.

311
00:13:13,692 --> 00:13:14,560
It was, uh, bad enough

312
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:18,497
watching us dancing to Wham!
on our wedding video.

313
00:13:20,032 --> 00:13:22,334
Hey, check out the one
Russell made.

314
00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:23,669
Ah.

315
00:13:23,669 --> 00:13:27,907
That's nice.
A little girl on girl.

316
00:13:32,544 --> 00:13:34,646
That's Russell.

317
00:13:35,581 --> 00:13:37,449
I'm sorry.
It's just so small.

318
00:13:37,449 --> 00:13:39,785
It's the biggest screen
they make.

319
00:13:39,785 --> 00:13:43,022
I wasn't talking
about the screen.

320
00:13:43,022 --> 00:13:45,557
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

321
00:13:45,557 --> 00:13:48,094
Sex tape? Why are you
watching that again?

322
00:13:48,094 --> 00:13:48,928
I'm trying to learn from it.

323
00:13:48,928 --> 00:13:51,197
The same way I study a tape
of my golf swing

324
00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:52,764
to try to improve it.

325
00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:58,104
I-- I-- I gotta
rotate my hips more.

326
00:13:58,770 --> 00:14:01,273
We are not talking
about golf here.

327
00:14:01,273 --> 00:14:02,909
You're thinking about it
too much.

328
00:14:02,909 --> 00:14:05,311
Sex should be spontaneous
and fun.

329
00:14:05,311 --> 00:14:06,212
Before we made this tape,

330
00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:07,779
we were doing it
here in the living room,

331
00:14:07,779 --> 00:14:09,848
up on the roof,
at that boring bar mitzvah.

332
00:14:09,848 --> 00:14:13,452
Yes. Yes, two of us
became men that day.

333
00:14:13,452 --> 00:14:15,521
Well, where is that man now?

334
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:16,622
He is right here, honey!

335
00:14:16,622 --> 00:14:18,357
Come on, let's do it!

336
00:14:18,958 --> 00:14:20,692
Damn it!

337
00:14:20,692 --> 00:14:22,794
You shanked it.

338
00:14:22,794 --> 00:14:25,664
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

339
00:14:30,636 --> 00:14:32,238
[DINGS]

340
00:14:42,681 --> 00:14:43,950
Hey.

341
00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:50,722
Hi.

342
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:55,361
You own a purple hat,
don't you?

343
00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:56,395
Yes, why?

344
00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:57,296
Look, you don't know me,

345
00:14:57,296 --> 00:15:00,232
but I was wondering
if I could ask you a favor.

346
00:15:00,232 --> 00:15:03,402
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

347
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:04,536
[EXHALES]

348
00:15:04,536 --> 00:15:05,437
[SIGHS]

349
00:15:05,437 --> 00:15:06,372
[SNICKERS]

350
00:15:06,372 --> 00:15:07,940
Hey, Russell.

351
00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:09,541
Care to join me?

352
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:11,743
Don't beg.

353
00:15:11,743 --> 00:15:12,478
Hey, where's Adam?

354
00:15:12,478 --> 00:15:14,346
He's at the apartment
watching a movie

355
00:15:14,346 --> 00:15:17,316
that I've already seen and hate.

356
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,189
Movie, huh?

357
00:15:23,189 --> 00:15:27,359
Was this an, uh,
indie or a major mosh?

358
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:28,928
It doesn't matter.

359
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,297
No, no, it does.
I'm a bit of a cinephile.

360
00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:33,199
Tell me about it.
What's the plot?

361
00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:36,635
How does it end? Happily?

362
00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:38,637
Why are you here?

363
00:15:38,637 --> 00:15:41,873
I'm meeting my text date
for the first time.

364
00:15:41,873 --> 00:15:44,276
We really get along well,
she gets all my jokes.

365
00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:48,780
And I just hope grill-wise
she's, you know...

366
00:15:48,780 --> 00:15:51,117
[WHISTLES, CLICKS TONGUE]

367
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:53,319
Oh, because you're so,
you know...

368
00:15:53,319 --> 00:15:56,355
[WHISTLES, CLICKS TONGUE]

369
00:15:56,855 --> 00:15:58,124
Exactly.

370
00:15:58,924 --> 00:16:01,360
Oh, is that her?
Oh, that better be her.

371
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,762
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Jill?

372
00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:05,097
Ha-ha. Russell?

373
00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:06,065
Hey! Over here.

374
00:16:06,065 --> 00:16:08,434
Oh, she's coming over.
Beat it.

375
00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:09,201
It's my booth.

376
00:16:09,201 --> 00:16:12,171
All right, well,
I'm 31 and I race cars.

377
00:16:12,171 --> 00:16:12,938
Hey.

378
00:16:12,938 --> 00:16:17,043
Ah, nice to see you
in person.

379
00:16:17,043 --> 00:16:17,977
And send.

380
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:18,877
[BOTH LAUGH]

381
00:16:18,877 --> 00:16:20,980
LOL.
Ah, ha-ha.

382
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:24,416
Nice to meet my LOLer
in person.

383
00:16:24,416 --> 00:16:24,950
[BOTH LAUGH]

384
00:16:24,950 --> 00:16:28,654
Hey, this is my friend's
fiancée, Jennifer.

385
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:30,622
Hi. I love your purse.

386
00:16:30,622 --> 00:16:31,557
[GIGGLES]

387
00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:33,059
JENNIFER:
Oh.

388
00:16:33,192 --> 00:16:34,626
Do I have something in my teeth?

389
00:16:34,626 --> 00:16:37,296
[LAUGHING]
No.

390
00:16:37,729 --> 00:16:39,398
All right,
why don't we sit down?

391
00:16:39,398 --> 00:16:41,033
[LAUGHING]
You're funny.

392
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:44,003
Well, sometimes,
but not that one.

393
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:44,936
[LAUGHS]

394
00:16:44,936 --> 00:16:47,439
That one either.
[SHRIEKS LAUGHTER]

395
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:50,509
[LAUGHING]
I'll go hang up my coat.

396
00:16:55,081 --> 00:16:56,782
She laughs at everything.

397
00:16:56,782 --> 00:16:59,218
I know, what a drag.

398
00:16:59,218 --> 00:17:00,519
I thought I was special,

399
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:03,889
but she even laughs
at stuff that you say.

400
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:06,458
I'm funny.

401
00:17:06,458 --> 00:17:08,427
No, I know.

402
00:17:11,230 --> 00:17:13,965
You know what?
In my mind, she was perfect.

403
00:17:13,965 --> 00:17:17,569
Some things are best left
to the imagination.

404
00:17:18,970 --> 00:17:20,139
That's true.

405
00:17:20,139 --> 00:17:22,841
You know,
you just gave me an idea.

406
00:17:22,841 --> 00:17:25,711
So, uh, how are you gonna
get rid of her?

407
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:29,748
Actually, I'm still gonna
try to sleep with her.

408
00:17:31,150 --> 00:17:32,318
That ought to do it.

409
00:17:32,318 --> 00:17:34,553
[CLEARS THROAT]

410
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:35,921
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

411
00:17:35,921 --> 00:17:38,890
I appreciate you
accepting my apology

412
00:17:38,890 --> 00:17:40,926
for all of my
recent behavior.

413
00:17:40,926 --> 00:17:42,494
Come on, I know you mean well.

414
00:17:42,494 --> 00:17:44,296
And I appreciate you
doing the dishes.

415
00:17:44,296 --> 00:17:45,964
And I really loved
that foot rub.

416
00:17:45,964 --> 00:17:47,766
Oh, and the flowers didn't hurt.

417
00:17:47,766 --> 00:17:50,069
Well, the bill did.
I mean, they're just flowers.

418
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,338
So they'll be dead--
Don't undo it.

419
00:17:52,338 --> 00:17:53,572
Sorry.

420
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:56,808
Part of my apology,
you get to choose the movie.

421
00:17:56,808 --> 00:17:57,909
Oh, uh,

422
00:17:57,909 --> 00:18:00,612
we could see
the Jane Austen movie at 7:15.

423
00:18:00,612 --> 00:18:03,582
And you could
see me sleeping at 7:20.

424
00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:04,883
You just said
I could pick the movie.

425
00:18:04,883 --> 00:18:08,220
You're right. Jane Austen it is.
Forbidden love and bonnets.

426
00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:10,089
Awesome.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]

427
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,590
[LAUGHS]

428
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:13,725
Oh. Hi.

429
00:18:13,725 --> 00:18:16,328
Oh. Hello.

430
00:18:16,328 --> 00:18:18,197
There, happy now?

431
00:18:19,531 --> 00:18:21,300
[DOOR CLOSES]

432
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,236
I'm not happy.

433
00:18:24,236 --> 00:18:28,006
You made her say "hi" to me?

434
00:18:28,907 --> 00:18:30,242
[SIGHS]

435
00:18:31,210 --> 00:18:33,078
I was just trying
to fix the problem.

436
00:18:33,078 --> 00:18:34,813
I specifically
asked you not to.

437
00:18:34,813 --> 00:18:37,716
When my wife is upset,
I gotta do something.

438
00:18:37,716 --> 00:18:38,917
You don't take your car
to a mechanic,

439
00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:41,953
tell him what's wrong and then
say, "But don't fix it.

440
00:18:41,953 --> 00:18:43,021
Just listen and hug me."

441
00:18:43,021 --> 00:18:46,192
You know, I should be able
to share things with my husband

442
00:18:46,192 --> 00:18:48,894
without worrying he's gonna
go do something crazy.

443
00:18:48,894 --> 00:18:54,933
Or you could be more amused
when he does something crazy.

444
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:58,003
Let's not forget
about the beautiful flowers,

445
00:18:58,003 --> 00:19:00,572
one of which is already dead.

446
00:19:00,572 --> 00:19:01,173
Okay.

447
00:19:01,173 --> 00:19:03,342
Honey, I just want to be able
to move on from this

448
00:19:03,342 --> 00:19:05,677
knowing it's not
going to happen again.

449
00:19:05,677 --> 00:19:08,514
It won't. Trust me.

450
00:19:09,281 --> 00:19:11,717
It might.
I know.

451
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:18,590
I'm sorry. Look, I'll, uh,
keep trying to do better.

452
00:19:18,924 --> 00:19:20,959
All right, you keep trying
to do better

453
00:19:20,959 --> 00:19:24,095
and I'll keep trying to remember
the man I married.

454
00:19:24,095 --> 00:19:27,999
Mr. Good Intentions,
Lousy Execution.

455
00:19:27,999 --> 00:19:29,935
Hey, you're right
about that woman.

456
00:19:29,935 --> 00:19:31,970
A stranger says "hello,"
you say "hello" back.

457
00:19:31,970 --> 00:19:34,840
It's what separates us
from the French.

458
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:35,774
[LAUGHS]

459
00:19:35,774 --> 00:19:36,542
Couldn't agree more.

460
00:19:36,542 --> 00:19:39,110
At least one good thing
came out of all this.

461
00:19:39,110 --> 00:19:39,745
What's that?

462
00:19:39,745 --> 00:19:41,747
We've blown
the Jane Austen movie.

463
00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:44,750
Oh, there's another showing
at 8.

464
00:19:45,617 --> 00:19:46,985
Awesome.

465
00:19:46,985 --> 00:19:51,457
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

466
00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:57,896
Okay.

467
00:20:02,033 --> 00:20:02,968
Adam, if you're watching this,

468
00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:06,605
it means you're still obsessed
with the damn sex tape.

469
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:10,141
But I've recorded over it,

470
00:20:10,141 --> 00:20:14,813
because instead of the reality,
which is so harsh and pasty,

471
00:20:14,813 --> 00:20:19,918
I think you need
a little more fantasy.

472
00:20:24,089 --> 00:20:26,525
Oh, Downward Dog.

473
00:20:28,126 --> 00:20:30,796
Into Chaturanga.

474
00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:31,897
Hey.

475
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,632
I hope I'm not
interrupting anything,

476
00:20:33,632 --> 00:20:37,869
but I could use
a little help stretching.

477
00:20:42,274 --> 00:20:44,610
We are back!

478
00:20:45,711 --> 00:20:47,679
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

479
00:20:49,848 --> 00:20:51,583
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

480
00:20:51,583 --> 00:20:53,585
[GROANS]

481
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:56,922
Well,
that was the last room.

482
00:20:56,922 --> 00:21:00,392
Now the apartment's
officially ours.

483
00:21:04,863 --> 00:21:05,864
Wait a minute.

484
00:21:05,864 --> 00:21:09,167
That was my drawer.
Did you take one of my drawers?

485
00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:10,669
Yeah.

486
00:21:12,170 --> 00:21:13,639
When?

487
00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:16,742
When I was on top.

488
00:21:17,676 --> 00:21:21,246
So is this how it's gonna be
for the rest of my life?

489
00:21:21,246 --> 00:21:23,214
Uh-huh.

490
00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:25,717
Do you want another drawer?

491
00:21:25,717 --> 00:21:26,685
Yeah.

492
00:21:26,685 --> 00:21:28,019
[LAUGHS]

493
00:21:28,019 --> 00:21:31,022
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

494
00:21:34,593 --> 00:21:39,064
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]