[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
What would you give me if I put this whole waffle in my mouth?
An uncontested divorce.
Oh, God.
What, are you, uh, getting in shape for ice-dancing season?
No. I mean, these things are sweet, man.
You get places faster, save money on cabs,
and, actually, it's good exercise.
JENNIFER: It's fantastic.
We can't walk together, and he always smells.
You should get a pair. I could say the same about you.
I'm just saying, man, we could blade together this weekend.
We're going to Nebraska.
Or else I totally would have.
We're going to my high school reunion.
Jeff finally get a good deal on airfare?
We're leaving at 5:00 a.m., connecting through Calgary.
Hey, I offered her a nonstop,
but Queen Audrey here's too good for Greyhound.
Anyway, I couldn't make it to my 10-year reunion,
so I'm looking forward to this one.
It'll be nice to go back as an adult,
because you know high school.
I never felt like I was as good as everybody else.
Oh, of course you were.
Well, how do you know? You weren't there.
You really think you need to protect that brain?
[LAUGHING] I finally feel like I'm in a good place.
You know, living in a great city,
I have a great career, I have a-- Marriage.
Yeah, so now you get to go rub that in their faces.
Oh, no, it's not about rubbing anything in anyone's face.
I mean, I won't have to. I'm sure they've already heard.
It's just about, you know, reconnecting with old friends.
And sprinting through the Calgary Airport.
Our layover is four minutes.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]
♪♪ How many ways To say, "I love you?" ♪♪
♪♪ How many ways To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait For me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
TIMMY: Okay, thank you.
Sir, I've just booked your massage for this afternoon.
Did you check her license?
Yes. She doesn't have one.
Well, this afternoon ain't gonna help her get one.
[CHUCKLES]
Now, if there's nothing else...
One more thing, Timmy. Yes, sir. Am I fired?
No, I was just checking my schedge,
and I'm free tonight.
What say you and I go out, get some steaks,
martinis, and see where the night takes us?
While I appreciate your hopefully unintentional
homoerotic invitation, I'm otherwise engaged.
Um, with what?
If you must know, I'm having a dinner party.
Mm. Sounds lame.
And, honestly, I can't make it.
I'm booked solid.
But you just said that you had no--
Nothing. Never mind.
You're not invited anyway.
Uh, just out of curiosity,
why wouldn't I be invited, hypothetically?
It's not hypothetical. You're literally not invited.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
I can't believe you skated over a subway grate.
What were you thinking?
I wasn't thinking.
I was on a blader's high.
Ooh, nothing douchey about that.
So, what say the three of us
go out tonight, grab some steaks,
some martinis, and see where the night takes us?
Is he hitting on us?
We're going out, just the two of us.
Why do you want to hang out with us anyway?
Shouldn't you be out trolling for skanks?
Yes, but I had a little, uh, problem
while manscaping, and, uh, I gotta close up shop
till things get back to normal down there.
Why don't you spend some time by yourself?
Doing what?
Go for a walk.
Where am I going?
I don't know.
Just go until your ankle bracelet starts beeping
and turn around.
So I just walk aimlessly around the city?
Yes.
How do I know when I'm finished?
Oh, my God.
Jen, Jen, you're-- You're wasting your time.
Russell can't be alone.
What are you talking about? I love being alone.
In fact, I'm gonna go be alone right now.
Who wants to come?
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Ah.
Why do you keep doing that?
My ears still haven't popped from the flight.
Knock it off. You look crazy.
Sorry. I know you want to impress all your old classmates.
Yes, by not having a special-needs husband.
Hey, I had a special need on the flight,
but Queen Audrey's too good to reach under my blanket.
Shh! There was someone sitting between us.
Not on the Calgary-Omaha leg.
Oh, there's Cheryl. She was one of my best friends.
We were cheerleaders together.
What'd she cheer for? More ribs?
Be nice.
These are good people.
Cheryl.
How are you?
Audrey. Hi.
Good to see you.
Oh, great to see you. It's been so long.
Yeah. It is something.
Would you excuse me? I need to make more name tags.
Oh, yeah, sure, sure.
Well, we'll catch up later.
That was a reunion of best friends?
Pretty weak.
Oh, yeah.
At your reunion, your old friend Rube
greeted you by implying that he continues a sexual relationship
with your mother. [LAUGHING]
My mom could do a lot worse than that crazy bastard.
Look, I'm just saying,
Cheryl was probably a little intimidated by me
because I made it out of here and moved to the big city.
Now, I bet we'll see a lot of that tonight,
so let's try to be a little sensitive to it.
You got it. If...
Gonna ask for something on the flight home?
You got it.
Matt.
Audrey?
Hi.
Wow. Oh.
You look great. Oh, thanks.
This is my wife, Lori. AUDREY: Hi.
Nice to meet you.
This is my husband, Jeff.
Hi. How are you?
Audrey and I were on debate team, and she was good.
No matter how logical your argument,
she could always argue the opposite.
You don't say.
So, what have you been up to?
I heard you guys live in New York.
Oh, yeah, but, you know, no big deal.
Oh, I love New York. I wish we could get there more.
Oh, hey, there's nothing wrong with right here.
It kills me to know our apartment's sitting there empty.
Sitting where empty?
Oh, New York.
You have an apartment in New York?
Well, it's just a little three-bedroom
on Central Park South.
Holy crap.
We can't even afford to walk on Central Park South.
[AUDREY LAUGHS]
He's kidding.
We can walk there.
And could you imagine having a third bedroom?
Uh, well, we-- We do have that alcove/den area.
And an inflatable mattress. So it's really like having
a third bedroom. No, we popped that mattress.
The time we threw down on it.
The neighbor downstairs--
Uh, he got nervous that a gun went off.
[ALL LAUGH]
Anyway, wow, it's great seeing you.
[CHUCKLING]
Well, they seem nice.
What are you doing?
We can't walk on Central Park South?
I was just making conversation.
A conversation that implies we're squatting on skid row
with a popped air mattress!
Wait a minute.
First, you don't want to rub it in anybody's face,
and now you do? I don't want to brag about it,
but it's all right to let people know
how well things turned out.
But not by saying it directly. Just do that.
Okay.
Audrey Curtis.
Heather.
Oh, good to see you.
It's actually Audrey Bingham now.
This is my husband, Jeff.
What's up?
I love your suit.
Oh, thanks, I got it at a fancy store,
but on sale, so it's like getting it from a regular store.
So we're normal.
Talk to Audrey now.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey.
[GRUNTING]
What a delightful surprise, sir.
Timmy, I hope I'm not intruding.
Oh, not at all. And to what do we owe the pleasure?
Oh, I was just out walking around, you know, by myself,
as people do, and, uh, well,
it's a good thing I showed up.
Got room for one more at the least supper?
Actually, sir...
This is Sarah. Ah, Russell.
Nice to meet you.
Actually, sir, you've met.
Yeah, I sell sandwiches in the office.
Mm. I'll take your word for it.
Wait!
What are you two doing here?
Why didn't you tell me this was where you were going?
We knew you couldn't be alone,
and Timmy was afraid you'd actually show up.
Oh, like I have nothing better to do than come over...
Oh.
Well, this is terrific.
It's nice to be here amongst friends.
What stinks?
Actually, sir, the vindaloo,
which I've been preparing for the last six hours,
is what stinks.
Ooh!
Well, set your dial to gratitude.
I'm about to show you why it's good I showed up.
What are you gonna do? Save this party
by airing this mother out.
Don't open the--
[LOUD CRASH]
[CAR ALARM BLARING]
Don't open the what?
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Who knew that Nebraska shrimp were so fantastic?
Boy, some of my classmates are doing really well.
No divorces, no alcoholics, no plastic surgeries gone awry.
I'm so happy for everyone.
Oh, my God, there's my old boyfriend Bob.
Ha! Chubby. I win.
He was so in love with me,
and I dumped him right before prom.
I still feel guilty. This is one guy
I definitely do not want to brag to.
I mean, why throw salt in the wound?
All right.
Ahem, has he seen me yet?
Jeff.
Jeff. Jeff--
Bob, hi. Hey!
Wow. Audrey.
How are you? I'm doing well.
You look great. Oh, thanks.
[LAUGHS]
What have you been up to?
Oh, I own a computer consulting firm with my wife.
She's around here somewhere. What about you?
Oh, I, uh, live in New York.
I'm married. My husband, Jeff, is right over--
[GROANING]
Bob, this is Jeff, my, you know.
Hi, Bob.
Audrey, Jeff, this is my wife, Ellen.
Hi.
Whoa.
I was just telling Ellen
about how Audrey was the one that got away.
Oh, Bob, looks like you did just fine.
I'd high-five you, but my hands are all shrimpy.
So do you two have children?
Three boys. No way, did you adopt?
No, we had them the old-fashioned way.
Ooh, nice snapback, huh?
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
God, get your smelly man foot off the table.
I'm supposed to keep it elevated.
Yuck, at least get your gross, dirty sock out of here.
TIMMY: Vindaloo time.
JENNIFER: Oh, my God.
I know. I couldn't do that again if I tried!
Well, the vindaloo's ruined.
Why don't I fetch the rice
and see if you can score a three-pointer
with your underpants.
It only touched the top part, Timmy.
We can eat around it.
Yeah. Let's eat around the filthy sock. Me first.
Let's not overreact.
All right, I mean, take a whiff.
Does it really smell any worse?
And seriously, I think the real victim here is the sock.
[LAUGHING] You're funny.
I'm funny. Oh, yeah? You thinking what I'm thinking?
She's already into sandwiches.
[LAUGHS]
I am never thinking what you're thinking.
No one is.
Everybody just calm down, okay?
We can salvage this.
Ah, yes, the phrase every host longs to hear.
Sorry. How-- How can I help?
The aroma of the garbage isn't adding to the experience.
I don't know if it's detracting from it either.
Perhaps you wouldn't mind taking it to the trash chute.
You got it, buddy.
Not a problem.
Welcome back, sir. What'd I miss?
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
See you. You're the man, Bob.
You act like you've never seen a beautiful woman before.
Hey. I see one every day.
She works at that flower shop on our block.
Hey. [SIGHS]
What's the matter? Are you all right?
Yes, I'm fine. I'm super. Having a great time.
All right, because if you weren't,
I would remind you I think that you're perfect.
You got nothing to prove. Well, that's sweet,
but I don't know why you're saying that.
I know I have nothing to-- Oh, there's Cheryl.
I heard she's still a check-out girl.
I'm gonna go ask like I don't know
and then make her say it.
Cheryl.
Hey.
We didn't get a chance to catch up before.
How are you? And where do you work?
I'm fine, and I'm still a checker at the Grocery Depot.
Wow. There you go.
Yeah.
So I-I saw your mom recently,
and she said that you work at Indoor Living magazine.
Oh, yes, it is a great job.
You know what? By the way, I'm sorry if I was short before.
I just surprised that you wanted to talk to me.
Oh, please,
I am not so successful that I have forgotten
who my friends are.
I mean because I slept with Bob when you two were going out.
E-excuse me?
I mean, that's why you broke up, right?
No, I broke up with him because I thought I could do better.
So how's that working out for you?
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Well, I appreciate you all coming.
Oh. Thanks for inviting us.
Yeah.
Good try, Timmy.
Sarah, um,
so sorry things didn't work out as I'd hoped, you know?
Perhaps a rain check?
Oh, yeah, maybe.
We'll see.
[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]
You don't need the goofy glasses
to read between those lines, do you?
Stee-rike.
Are you mad?
Oh, you're mad.
Look, to me, the die was cast when you invited everyone over
to your shoebox to eat vindapoo.
But to the extent that I'm responsible
for some of the things--
He's still talking. Unbelievable.
Uh, Tim,
it's a little rude
to clean up while you still have guests here.
You're not one of my guests.
Why, sir? Why on earth would you come here tonight
when I spent so much time, so much energy, so much effort
making it perfectly clear you weren't invited?
Maybe I have trouble being alone.
And why is that my problem?
[SIGHS] It's not.
I just knew that if I, uh,
you know, came over here, you'd let me in.
So I'm really sorry.
Well, I know that wasn't easy for you to say, sir.
And know that your intentions weren't malicious,
so apology accepted.
Yeah?
That's nice.
Well, let me make it up to you.
How about we get out of here and go somewhere with A/C
and I'll buy you a drink?
All right. I'd appreciate that.
Okay, then.
Let's have a little fun,
forget about this crazy--
Oh, come on!
Ah!
[SIGHS]
What are you in the mood for?
Your call, sir.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
I just found out that while Bob and I were dating,
he was sleeping with Cheryl.
No! Oh!
Come on, Bobber, you're better than that.
This is unbelievable. I know, right?
I mean, from you to Cheryl to his wife. I mean...
The guy's got range.
Why don't these people get it?
Calm down, Audrey. I'm not gonna calm down.
I got out of this jerkwater burg and they didn't.
I wanted them all to be miserable and broken,
but, no, they had to be happy and satisfied with their lives.
Oh, for God's sake, my old boyfriend has a wife
that I would do.
Look, who cares what any of these people think?
I love you.
And isn't that all that really--?
Oh, save it.
I just wanted to come back a winner.
It's like everybody's a winner except me.
Sure makes the husband feel good.
I'm sorry. I know you're trying,
and I appreciate it, but let's go.
WOMAN: Everyone get out your raffle tickets.
It's time to give away the big prize.
And the winning number is
2-7-4.
2-7-4, that's you. You won.
What? I did? Yeah. Go on up there.
I won?
[GIGGLING]
Oh, the winner is Audrey Bingham!
[ALL APPLAUD] I'm the winner.
[LAUGHING]
What did I win?
I think we're all gonna be pretty jealous of you.
Really?
That's fantastic.
Thanks to the generosity of Matt and Lori Morrison,
you're gonna spend a glamorous weekend
in their beautiful three-bedroom apartment in New York City.
[ALL APPLAUD] JEFF: Oh, my God!
Central Park South! Whoo!
Yeah!
Come on! Oh!
Jeff, I'm not comfortable with this.
Comfortable? This is Central Park South.
It doesn't get more comfortable than this.
No, I mean, it's-- It's their apartment,
and Matt and Lori-- Rule. They totally rule.
They got a bidet, steam shower,
a fantastic view of the poor people.
I don't think I could enjoy myself here all weekend.
All right? Come on, we're out of here.
Okay, I'll see you Sunday at 7:00.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]