1 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,310 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:02,563 WHAT SHE TOLD YOU WAS HARD TO HEAR. 3 00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:03,697 OF COURSE IT WAS. 4 00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:06,167 ALL THIS TIME GOING ON AND TELLING YOU ABOUT 5 00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:10,271 HOW TRAUMATIZED MY SON WAS BY HIS STEPFATHER, 6 00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:12,106 AND TURNS OUT HE'S IN LOVE WITH THE GUY. 7 00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:14,275 HE'S IN LOVE WITH-- 8 00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:16,377 IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH, 9 00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:18,679 BUT IT'S BASICALLY WHAT ROSIE TOLD ME 10 00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:20,748 IN SO MANY WORDS. 11 00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:22,516 I MEAN, 12 00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:25,219 MAX AND STEVE SPENT THE WHOLE WEEKEND TOGETHER 13 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:27,721 GOING TO MUSEUMS. THEY DRAW TOGETHER. THEY-- 14 00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:30,858 STEVE BRINGS HIM INTO THE ARCHITECTURE STUDIO, TEACHES HIM-- 15 00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:33,561 I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TERMS-- 16 00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:37,165 LINE DRAWING, DRAFTING, WHATEVER IT'S CALLED, 17 00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:39,300 HOW TO USE A MECHANICAL PENCIL. 18 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:42,236 HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO MAX ABOUT THIS? 19 00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:45,673 I HAVEN'T SPOKEN WITH MAX ABOUT MUCH OF ANYTHING. 20 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,475 I WAS GONNA SIT HIM DOWN 21 00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:49,943 AS SOON AS HE CAME BACK FROM MARYLAND 22 00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:51,945 AND TALK TO HIM ABOUT WHAT HE FOUND 23 00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:53,414 ON MY COMPUTER THAT NIGHT-- 24 00:01:53,514 --> 00:01:55,549 YOU KNOW, MY PARKINSON'S RESEARCH. 25 00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:59,220 BUT SINCE MY CONVERSATION WITH ROSIE, 26 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,222 I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO BRING MYSELF TO DO IT. 27 00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:03,191 WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID TO HEAR MAX SAY? 28 00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:05,393 ( chuckles ) ARE YOU-- 29 00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:07,361 ARE YOU REALLY GONNA MAKE ME ANSWER THAT? 30 00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:09,997 I MEAN, YOU-- YOU SAW PERFECTLY 31 00:02:10,097 --> 00:02:11,999 WHAT WAS HAPPENING LAST WEEK 32 00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:13,734 MORE CLEARLY THAN I SAW IT MYSELF. 33 00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:16,504 I'M SURE YOU KNOW THE ANSWER WITHOUT ME HAVING TO SAY IT. 34 00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:19,507 YOU THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY BEFORE YOU SAY IT? 35 00:02:19,607 --> 00:02:21,008 ( exhales ) 36 00:02:21,108 --> 00:02:25,813 I WAS GETTING MY SON TO WORRY ABOUT ME. 37 00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:28,349 HE WON'T TELL ME ABOUT STEVE 38 00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:31,719 BECAUSE HE'S TRYING TO PROTECT ME. 39 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:34,322 I-- 40 00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:36,957 I CAN'T STOP MYSELF FROM WONDERING 41 00:02:37,057 --> 00:02:39,393 IF, YOU KNOW-- 42 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:43,130 IF HE'D ACTUALLY BE BETTER OFF IN MARYLAND. 43 00:02:43,231 --> 00:02:45,833 WITH HIS MOTHER AND STEVE. 44 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,870 IT'S HARD FOR YOU TO CONSIDER THAT. 45 00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:53,807 THEY SHARE THIS PASSION FOR DRAWING, FOR ART. 46 00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:57,411 AND STEVE FEEDS IT. I MEAN, HOW CAN I DENY MY SON THAT? 47 00:02:57,511 --> 00:03:00,248 IF I DID, I'D BE DOING EXACTLY WHAT WAS DONE TO ME. 48 00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:02,250 I'D BE-- I'D BE DRAGGING HIM AWAY 49 00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:04,485 FROM HIS VIBRANT TEENAGE YEARS 50 00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:07,688 AND TAKING HIM TO A DREARY, 51 00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:12,460 LIFELESS APARTMENT WITH A SICK PARENT. 52 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,195 IS THAT HOW YOU SEE YOUR EXISTENCE-- 53 00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:17,398 AS DREARY AND LIFELESS? 54 00:03:17,498 --> 00:03:19,833 I'M SURE THAT'S HOW MAX SEES IT. 55 00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:21,669 I WASN'T ASKING ABOUT MAX. 56 00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:23,804 I REALLY WISH ROSIE HAD NEVER TOLD ME 57 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,806 ABOUT THE FUCKING TWIN DRAFTING TABLES. 58 00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:28,175 I REALLY COULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT THAT DETAIL. 59 00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:30,210 IS THAT WHAT GETS TO YOU MOST? 60 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:34,315 IT ALL GETS TO ME-- THE WHOLE PICTURE. 61 00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:36,684 AND IT'S NOT JUST THEM EITHER. 62 00:03:36,784 --> 00:03:40,187 JUST ABOUT EVERYBODY I KNOW HAS SOME KIND OF PASSION. 63 00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:44,858 SOMETHING OR SOMEBODY DRIVES THEM. 64 00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:47,127 BUT NOT YOU. 65 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,297 SOMETIMES I-- 66 00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:53,033 I TRY TO PRETEND I DO, YEAH. 67 00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:55,235 HOW DO YOU DO THAT? 68 00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:57,871 WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, YOU PRETEND? 69 00:03:57,971 --> 00:04:01,008 WENDY-- 70 00:04:01,108 --> 00:04:04,111 UH, MY GIRLFRIEND-- 71 00:04:04,211 --> 00:04:06,780 SHE STOPPED BY THE APARTMENT 72 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:08,482 AT LUNCHTIME TODAY. 73 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,284 AND SHE KNOWS I HAVE AN HOUR AND A HALF 74 00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:14,388 WITHOUT ANY PATIENTS. AND... 75 00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:17,991 WE-- WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX FOR A WHILE. 76 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:21,329 AND... 77 00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:22,896 SINCE SHE CAN'T STAY OVER 78 00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:25,265 AND I CAN'T STAY AT HER PLACE BECAUSE OF MAX-- 79 00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:27,267 MAX WAS AWAY THIS WEEKEND. 80 00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:29,903 RIGHT. THAT'S TRUE. I HADN'T TOLD HER THAT. 81 00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:32,473 BUT YOU SAW HER TODAY. 82 00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:36,510 SHE HAS THIS THING, YOU KNOW-- SHE-- 83 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,046 FOR SOME REASON SHE'S BEEN WANTING 84 00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:41,181 TO HAVE SEX ON THE COUCH IN MY OFFICE. 85 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,917 SO WE DID. 86 00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:47,355 THIS WAS YOUR ATTEMPT AT BEING PASSIONATE ABOUT SOMETHING. 87 00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:49,457 I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT. 88 00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:51,058 AND? 89 00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:54,962 I WAS-- 90 00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:57,998 I WAS DISTRACTED. I WAS-- 91 00:04:58,098 --> 00:05:00,568 I WAS-- 92 00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:04,438 I WAS THINKING ABOUT OTHER THINGS. 93 00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:06,640 WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT? 94 00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:11,579 I DON'T KNOW. 95 00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:13,781 UM... 96 00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:17,451 NOT HER. 97 00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:23,357 I HAVE THIS-- I HAVE THIS BOAT IN MY OFFICE. 98 00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:28,161 AND I JUST FOUND MYSELF STARING-- 99 00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:31,064 YOU KNOW, STARING AT IT 100 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,501 AFTER WENDY AND I WERE FINISHED. 101 00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:37,104 IT'S A-- A MODEL, A SAILBOAT. 102 00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:39,573 IT'S ABOUT THAT BIG. 103 00:05:41,442 --> 00:05:43,544 I USED TO HAVE ABOUT 26 OF THEM, 104 00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:46,213 DIFFERENT SIZES, YOU KNOW, SCHOONERS, SLOOPS. 105 00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:48,248 DO YOU LIKE TO SAIL? 106 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:49,583 NEVER BEEN. 107 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:54,722 ANYWAY, THESE-- THESE BOATS ARE-- 108 00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:58,559 ACTUALLY, THE BOATS ARE THE CLOSEST I'VE EVER COME TO A HOBBY. 109 00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:01,261 AND WHEN MAX WAS LITTLE, 110 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:04,865 HE REALLY LOVED IT. 111 00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:07,568 WE USED TO GO SEARCHING AT THESE ANTIQUE STORES. 112 00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:11,104 SOMETIMES WE'D BUILD THEM FROM KITS, YOU KNOW. 113 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,106 AND WE'D GIVE THEM EACH A NAME 114 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,375 AND WE'D MAKE UP THESE STORIES 115 00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:17,377 ABOUT THE PLACES IT HAD BEEN 116 00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:22,149 AND THE PLACES THAT IT WOULD GO. 117 00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:24,952 HOW COME THERE'S ONLY ONE BOAT LEFT? 118 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:27,588 HE LOST INTEREST. 119 00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:29,857 THEN WHEN I MOVED UP TO BROOKLYN, 120 00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:32,560 I JUST LEFT THE REST OF THEM BEHIND. 121 00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:35,896 THEY-- I DON'T KNOW, 122 00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:40,200 THEY JUST STARTED TO FEEL A BIT PATHETIC-- 123 00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,135 22" REMINDERS 124 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:45,906 OF ALL THE PLACES I'D NEVER BEEN AND I WOULD NEVER GET TO. 125 00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:49,543 THE ONE THAT I SAVED-- I KEEP IT IN MY OFFICE. 126 00:06:49,643 --> 00:06:52,580 I SEE IT OVER MY PATIENTS' SHOULDERS. 127 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,648 SO I SIT AND I LISTEN TO THEM TALK, 128 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:57,217 AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM, THEY-- 129 00:06:57,317 --> 00:06:59,653 NO MATTER HOW SICK OR SCREWED UP THEY ARE-- 130 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:04,492 THEY-- THEY ALL HAVE A REAL PASSION. 131 00:07:04,592 --> 00:07:06,494 YOU FIND ALL YOUR PATIENTS 132 00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:09,396 HAVE SOMETHING YOU DON'T, SOMETHING YOU'RE MISSING? 133 00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:12,566 I DO FEEL THAT WAY A LOT, YEAH. 134 00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:15,869 JESSE-- HE LOVES PHOTOGRAPHY. 135 00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:19,807 HE'S GOT THIS FIERCE ATTACHMENT TO HIS CAMERA. 136 00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,911 AND FRANCES HAS HER ACTING. 137 00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:27,681 ALTHOUGH IT'S HARD FOR HER TO ADMIT, WITH ALL THE GUILT SHE HAS AROUND IT, 138 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:31,351 THERE'S NO QUESTION OF WHAT IT MEANS TO HER. 139 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,687 OTHER PEOPLE-- 140 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,524 KATE DEVOTED TO HER CLINIC, 141 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:39,993 NOW TO MAX'S NEW FATHER. 142 00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:43,997 ( laughs ) I MEAN, EVEN GINA-- SUDDENLY A NOVELIST. 143 00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:46,233 AS MUCH AS I FUCKING HATE HER FOR WHAT SHE'S WRITTEN, 144 00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:49,537 SHE HAS FOUND HER-- 145 00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:52,039 YOU KNOW, HER CALLING. 146 00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:59,412 AND THERE'S-- THERE'S YOU. 147 00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:01,014 ME? 148 00:08:01,114 --> 00:08:02,883 WHY DO YOU INCLUDE ME? 149 00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:07,020 WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER MY PASSION TO BE? 150 00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:11,324 WELL, ISN'T IT THIS-- 151 00:08:11,424 --> 00:08:15,996 YOUR WORK, YOUR PATIENTS? 152 00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:18,365 I MEAN, NOT THAT THERE AREN'T OTHER THINGS 153 00:08:18,465 --> 00:08:21,802 THAT YOU MIGHT FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT, 154 00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:24,371 BUT FROM WHERE I SIT, YOU SEEM TO BE 155 00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:28,275 PRETTY ENGAGED 156 00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:32,780 EVEN IN YOUR COOL DETACHMENT. 157 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,315 AM I ENGAGED OR DETACHED? 158 00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:37,985 I'D-- I'D SAY BOTH. 159 00:08:38,085 --> 00:08:41,755 BUT-- BUT IT IS CLEAR 160 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,625 THAT YOUR WORK IS VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU. 161 00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:47,828 AM I WRONG ABOUT THAT? 162 00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:50,397 MY WORK IS IMPORTANT TO ME. 163 00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:52,966 I'M JUST WONDERING WHY YOU SAY THAT, 164 00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:56,269 HOW YOU ARRIVE AT THIS IMPRESSION. 165 00:08:57,671 --> 00:08:59,873 ( chuckles ) 166 00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:03,644 I WENT ONLINE, YOU KNOW, THE OTHER NIGHT. 167 00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:07,380 IT'S BECOME KIND OF A BAD HABIT REALLY. 168 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,483 AND I FOUND MYSELF BACK AT MY DESK, 169 00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:13,453 TYPING IN THIS THING 170 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:17,925 ON PARKINSON'S/ OLFACTORY SYMPTOMS. 171 00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:19,960 AND I-- 172 00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:22,129 I JUST STOPPED. I MADE MYSELF STOP. 173 00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,765 AND I-- 174 00:09:24,865 --> 00:09:28,468 I JUST HAPPENED TO TYPE IN YOUR NAME INSTEAD. 175 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:31,739 DID YOU KNOW THERE'S ANOTHER ADELE BROUSE, 176 00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:35,175 ALSO A THERAPIST, IN PORTLAND, OREGON? 177 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:36,877 I WASN'T AWARE OF THAT. 178 00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:40,347 YEAH, AN M.S.W., NOT A PSYCHIATRIST, 179 00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:43,516 NOT NEARLY AS PROLIFIC AS YOU. 180 00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:46,053 I MEAN, ALL THIS-- A LIST OF STUFF COMES UP, 181 00:09:46,153 --> 00:09:50,557 ALL THE ARTICLES THAT YOU'VE PUBLISHED OVER, YOU KNOW-- 182 00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:53,026 THE AMOUNT OF CONFERENCES THAT YOU'VE ATTENDED 183 00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:56,664 IN CHICAGO, 184 00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:59,499 PRAGUE, PARIS. 185 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,769 WHAT DID SEEING THAT MEAN TO YOU? 186 00:10:01,869 --> 00:10:05,105 WELL, THE LAST ARTICLE THAT I WROTE WAS IN 1998. 187 00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:07,174 WHY HAVE YOU STOPPED? 188 00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:13,146 ADELE SASKIA BROUSE. 189 00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:15,182 HMM. 190 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,817 IS THAT DUTCH? 191 00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:22,289 WASN'T REMBRANDT'S WIFE CALLED SASKIA? 192 00:10:25,525 --> 00:10:28,495 MY MOTHER'S FATHER WAS FROM HOLLAND. 193 00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:29,930 WOW. 194 00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:32,299 ( chuckles ) I DON'T BELIEVE IT. 195 00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:33,633 WHAT? 196 00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:35,936 YOU JUST-- YOU ANSWERED MY QUESTION. 197 00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:38,338 YOU STILL HAVEN'T ANSWERED MINE. 198 00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:40,473 WHY HAVE YOU STOPPED? 199 00:10:40,573 --> 00:10:41,675 ( sighs ) 200 00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:44,111 WELL, LET'S SAY THAT I-- 201 00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:46,780 THAT I NO LONGER SHARE 202 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:51,919 YOUR PROFESSIONAL DRIVE. 203 00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:55,823 MY WORK DOES FEEL MEANINGFUL AT TIMES. 204 00:10:55,923 --> 00:10:57,825 WHEN I'M IN THE ROOM WITH MY PATIENTS, 205 00:10:57,925 --> 00:11:00,327 I'M STILL INTERESTED MOSTLY, 206 00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:04,732 BUT AM I PASSIONATE? 207 00:11:04,832 --> 00:11:08,168 YOU MEAN IN THE WAY YOU THINK I AM. 208 00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:10,070 WERE YOU EVER? 209 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:14,574 WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I PUBLISHED. 210 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:19,346 I STILL THOUGHT I COULD SAVE PEOPLE. 211 00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,381 DO YOU EVER THINK THAT NOW? 212 00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:25,418 MONDAY, FOR 40 MINUTES, 213 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:29,289 I HAD A FLASH OF THAT FEELING. 214 00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:31,024 WHAT HAPPENED MONDAY? 215 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:34,995 YOU REMEMBER SUNIL. I TOLD YOU ABOUT HIM. 216 00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:39,466 HE TOOK-- HE TOOK A HUGE STEP. 217 00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:41,568 I'D BEEN TRYING TO GET HIM 218 00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:43,603 TO EXPRESS HIS ANGER. 219 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,505 AND HE'D BEEN INCHING TOWARD IT. 220 00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:49,342 SO WE WERE SITTING IN MY OFFICE OVER TEA AND WE WERE TALK-- 221 00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:52,780 YOU WERE TALKING OVER TEA? 222 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,782 IT MAKES HIM FEEL 223 00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:58,819 LIKE WE'RE HAVING MORE OF A CONVERSATION THAN THERAPY. 224 00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:01,755 YOU KNOW, HE'S A GUY WHO SPENDS ALL HIS TIME 225 00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:04,724 FEELING LIKE AN OUTSIDER IN WHAT HE PERCEIVES TO BE 226 00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:07,494 THIS STRANGE, AGGRESSIVE COUNTRY. 227 00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:10,030 SO HE LOCKS HIMSELF AWAY IN HIS ROOM. 228 00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,866 SO SHARING TEA WITH ME MAKES HIM-- 229 00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:14,902 YOU KNOW, DRAWS HIM OUT OF HIS SHELL. 230 00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:17,470 ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT HIM OR YOU? 231 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:20,640 I'M TALKING ABOUT HIM. 232 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,776 LAST WEEK YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT 233 00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:24,744 TO BE MY SUPERVISOR. 234 00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:27,414 NOW YOU KIND OF SIT THERE 235 00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:29,582 SILENTLY SUPERVISING. 236 00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:31,351 IT'S KIND OF OBVIOUS WHAT YOU THINK. 237 00:12:31,451 --> 00:12:33,320 WHAT DO I THINK? 238 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,388 HE OPENED UP TO ME. 239 00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:37,190 HE-- HE TOLD ME ABOUT 240 00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,927 THIS DEEPLY PASSIONATE AFFAIR THAT HE HAD AT UNIVERSITY-- 241 00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:42,729 SOMETHING HE'S NEVER SPOKEN OF BEFORE TO ANYBODY 242 00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:44,865 AND THAT'S HAUNTED HIM FOR YEARS. 243 00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:48,501 YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HOW TRANSFORMED HE WAS 244 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,437 WHEN HE SPOKE ABOUT THIS LOVE AFFAIR. 245 00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:53,673 IT'S LIKE HE-- 246 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,675 HE CAME ALIVE. 247 00:12:55,775 --> 00:13:00,280 I MEAN, THIS MAN ISN'T-- HE'S NOT OLD. 248 00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:04,051 HE FELT PASSION AT ONE POINT IN HIS LIFE. 249 00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:07,520 AND I THOUGHT, "WHY COULDN'T HE HAVE THAT AGAIN? 250 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,356 WHY COULDN'T HE--?" 251 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,624 WHY COULDN'T HE--? 252 00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:16,129 I DON'T KNOW. IT WAS-- 253 00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:19,199 IT WAS FLEETING, WHAT I SAW IN HIM, 254 00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:23,270 BUT A GLIMPSE OF SOMEBODY DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW? 255 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,506 HUH. 256 00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:29,342 MAYBE I'M MAKING TOO MUCH OF IT. 257 00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:34,848 THIS RECENT SESSION WITH SUNIL 258 00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:38,018 HAD A POWERFUL EFFECT ON YOU. 259 00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:42,122 YOU SEEM ESPECIALLY FOCUSED ON HIS EARLY LOVE AFFAIR. 260 00:13:42,222 --> 00:13:44,892 WELL, IT'S A PRETTY POWERFUL STORY, DON'T YOU THINK? 261 00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:47,727 HAVE YOU EVER FELT THAT PASSION-- 262 00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,396 ROMANTIC PASSION? 263 00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:52,699 MY LUNCHTIME SESSION WITH WENDY DOESN'T QUALIFY? 264 00:13:52,799 --> 00:13:54,935 NOT ACCORDING TO YOU. 265 00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:02,775 WITH KATE, 266 00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:05,378 I SUPPOSE, 267 00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:08,581 WHEN I FELL IN LOVE WITH HER ALL THOSE YEARS AGO. 268 00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:15,622 EVEN WITH WENDY LAST YEAR, AT THE VERY BEGINNING. 269 00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:16,990 BUT NOW I-- 270 00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:19,292 I'M BEGINNING TO REALIZE I'VE GOT THIS PATTERN: 271 00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:22,162 I SEEK OUT PEOPLE WHO HAVE-- WHO HAVE-- 272 00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:25,665 WHO HAVE THEMSELVES A PASSION FOR LIFE 273 00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:27,935 AND I FEED OFF THEM INSTEAD. 274 00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:31,838 I ALLOW THEM TO-- 275 00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:34,774 TO FEEL FOR BOTH OF US. 276 00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,843 YOU ALLOWED BOTH WENDY AND KATE 277 00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:38,912 TO DO YOUR FEELING FOR YOU? 278 00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:41,848 YEAH, AT LEAST-- AT LEAST IN PART. 279 00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:43,450 WHATEVER EMOTION YOU DO FEEL, 280 00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:46,954 DO YOU OPENLY EXPRESS YOURSELF AT THE TIME? 281 00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:48,788 NOT ENTIRELY. 282 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,890 YOU HOLD YOURSELF BACK? 283 00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:54,261 IS-- IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK? 284 00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:57,130 EARLIER, WHEN YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT SUNIL, 285 00:14:57,230 --> 00:15:00,600 YOU BECAME ENGAGED, EXCITED, 286 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,902 AS IF YOU CAME ALIVE YOURSELF. 287 00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:04,871 YOU SPOKE WITH ENERGY. 288 00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:06,639 YOU SAT FORWARD IN YOUR SEAT. 289 00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:08,808 AND THEN YOU STOPPED YOURSELF. 290 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,577 IT WAS STRIKING. 291 00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:13,913 DOES THAT DESCRIPTION SEEM ACCURATE TO YOU? 292 00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:15,882 DO YOU FIND YOU HAVE 293 00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:18,018 PASSIONATE OR EXCITED IMPULSES, 294 00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:20,453 BUT STOP YOURSELF FROM EXPRESSING THEM? 295 00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:26,059 I MADE A SIMILAR OBSERVATION A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO 296 00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:29,229 ABOUT YOU HOLDING YOURSELF BACK, 297 00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:32,032 AND YOU HAD A STRONG REACTION. DO YOU REMEMBER? 298 00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:36,536 WHAT-- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 299 00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:39,339 YOU TOLD ME ABOUT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR DREAM-- 300 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:42,976 RUNNING TOWARD OPEN GATES ALONG A WROUGHT-IRON FENCE, 301 00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:47,047 AND THEN BEING DRAGGED DOWN, PARALYZED. 302 00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:49,849 I ASKED IF YOU WERE STOPPING YOURSELF 303 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,718 AND YOU GOT VERY ANGRY AT ME. 304 00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:53,720 YOU INSISTED IT WAS YOUR FATHER WHO WAS STOPPING YOU. 305 00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:55,822 IT WAS MY SCHOOL. 306 00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:58,125 I'M SORRY? 307 00:15:58,225 --> 00:16:01,728 IT WAS MY SCHOOL. 308 00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:04,464 THE FENCE-- THE IRON FENCE 309 00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:07,600 RAN AROUND THE OUTSIDE OF THE BOARDING SCHOOL I WENT TO. 310 00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,636 WHEN WAS THIS? 311 00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:12,972 I-- I WAS 12. 312 00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:15,008 - YOU WERE MAX'S AGE. - YEAH. 313 00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:18,078 LANCASTER ROYAL GRAMMAR SCHOOL 314 00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,413 IN THE NORTH OF ENGLAND. 315 00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:24,784 I WASN'T THERE FOR VERY LONG, JUST A TERM AND A HALF, BUT-- 316 00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,786 WELL, MY PARENTS HAD ALREADY STARTED 317 00:16:26,886 --> 00:16:28,588 TO FIGHT WITH EACH OTHER. 318 00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:31,824 AND YEAH, IT WAS OUR LAST YEAR IN DUBLIN. 319 00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:33,760 AND THEY SENT ME AWAY TO SCHOOL. 320 00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,462 WAS THAT HARD FOR YOU? 321 00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:37,530 NO, NOT AT ALL. 322 00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:40,133 MOST PEOPLE TALK ABOUT HOW MISERABLE THEY ARE AT BOARDING SCHOOL, 323 00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:43,270 BUT I WAS REALLY HAPPY THERE. 324 00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:45,738 BUT I WAS THERE FOR LESS THAN SIX MONTHS 325 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:48,275 WHEN MY FATHER GOT HIS POSITION 326 00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:51,044 AT UNION MEMORIAL IN BALTIMORE. 327 00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:54,881 TWO WEEKS LATER WE LANDED IN-- 328 00:16:54,981 --> 00:16:57,584 IN AMERICA. 329 00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,786 WELL, I'M-- 330 00:16:59,886 --> 00:17:01,954 I'M SURE THAT'S PART OF THE DREAM 331 00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:05,458 THAT I'M, YOU KNOW, RELIVING-- 332 00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:08,295 BEING TORN AWAY FROM SCHOOL BY MY FATHER, 333 00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:11,798 FROM THAT FEELING THAT I HAD-- 334 00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:15,034 THAT GREAT FEELING 335 00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:17,270 OF CONTENTMENT THAT I'D FOUND THERE. 336 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:20,707 CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT WAS SO NICE ABOUT THE BOARDING SCHOOL? 337 00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:22,909 THE PLACE WAS-- 338 00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:26,746 WAS JUST FILLED WITH ACTIVITY. 339 00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:30,117 THERE WERE SCORES OF CLUBS 340 00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:32,352 AND THINGS THAT YOU COULD DO, 341 00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:34,621 TEAMS YOU COULD SIGN UP FOR-- 342 00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:36,389 TO PLAY RUGBY, 343 00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:39,326 CROSS-COUNTRY RUNNING, THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER. 344 00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:42,195 IT'S JUST ALL THESE THINGS 345 00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:46,065 MY FATHER TORE ME AWAY FROM. 346 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,935 CROSS-COUNTRY RUNNING-- DID YOU RUN AT SCHOOL? 347 00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:51,271 WELL, I WAS GOING TO JOIN THE TEAM. 348 00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:54,907 DID YOU PLAY RUGBY, JOIN THE PAPER? 349 00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:57,009 WELL, I WAS PLANNING TO. 350 00:17:57,110 --> 00:18:00,613 I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU'RE GETTING AT. 351 00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:04,117 THE POINT I'M MAKING IS THAT I WAS HAPPY THERE. 352 00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:07,987 ACTIVELY ENGAGED, CONTENT. 353 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,623 IT'S INTERESTING TO HEAR YOU SPEAK OF THE SCHOOL IN THIS WAY, 354 00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:14,494 BECAUSE IN YOUR DREAM YOU'RE RUNNING OUTSIDE THE GATES. 355 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:17,964 WHEN YOU TOLD ME THE DREAM, YOU DESCRIBED A FEELING 356 00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:21,000 OF ANTICIPATION, OF EXCITEMENT, 357 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,136 NOT OF CONTENTMENT. 358 00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:26,306 TO ME THAT DIFFERENCE SEEMS SIGNIFICANT. 359 00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:29,209 YOU SAY YOU PLANNED TO JOIN THE NEWSPAPER? 360 00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:32,111 WELL, I HADN'T BEEN THERE THAT LONG. 361 00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:34,147 A SEMESTER AND A HALF? 362 00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:35,682 SURELY THAT'S ENOUGH TIME 363 00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,684 TO JOIN THE PAPER IF YOU'D WANTED TO. 364 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,919 NO, I'M JUST SAYING THAT IF I HAD STAYED, 365 00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:42,222 I WOULD HAVE THRIVED. 366 00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:45,558 IT WAS MY FATHER MOVING HERE 367 00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:47,560 THAT JUST TOOK AWAY THAT POSSIBILITY. 368 00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:49,596 AND WHAT DID YOU FIND HERE INSTEAD? 369 00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:53,065 THE MOVE TO BALTIMORE MARKED THE END OF MY CHILDHOOD. 370 00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:55,368 MY FATHER WALKED OUT; MY MOTHER GOT SICKER; 371 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:59,272 AND I WAS-- I WAS FORCED TO-- 372 00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:01,274 TO TAKE CARE OF HER. 373 00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:03,943 THE BEGINNING OF A VERY DIFFICULT PERIOD. 374 00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:07,079 AND YOUR FATHER BEARS A GREAT DEAL OF THE RESPONSIBILITY. 375 00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:08,481 YEAH, WHO ELSE? 376 00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:11,984 MY MOTHER-- SHE WAS-- SHE WAS ILL. 377 00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,853 I UNDERSTAND. 378 00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:15,822 YOU MENTIONED MORE THAN ONCE 379 00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:20,126 HOW STRONGLY YOU IDENTIFY WITH SUNIL'S ALIENATION IN THIS COUNTRY, 380 00:19:20,227 --> 00:19:23,162 THAT YOU CONTINUE TO FEEL IT AT TIMES. 381 00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:26,132 AND I IMAGINE YOU FELT IT WHEN YOU FIRST ARRIVED. 382 00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,301 YES, I-- 383 00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:32,905 I WENT FROM LANCASTER ROYAL GRAMMAR 384 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:35,508 TO P.S. 233, 385 00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:39,646 FROM BEAUTIFUL GOTHIC STONE BUILDINGS 386 00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:41,414 AND OPEN GREEN FIELDS 387 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,916 TO BRICK AND ASPHALT. 388 00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,618 THAT'S TOUGH FOR RUGBY. 389 00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:48,988 ( chuckles ) THE KIDS PLAYED STICKBALL. 390 00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:50,990 AND I REMEMBER WATCHING THEM 391 00:19:51,090 --> 00:19:54,126 WITH SUCH DETERMINATION 392 00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:56,028 FROM THE EDGE OF THE SCHOOLYARD. 393 00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:58,498 DETERMINATION? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? 394 00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:00,233 I WAS-- 395 00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:03,270 I WAS DETERMINED TO DECODE THEM, 396 00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:05,272 YOU KNOW, TO FIGURE THEM OUT-- 397 00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:07,440 HOW TO PLAY THEIR GAME, HOW TO FIT IN. 398 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,576 BECAUSE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM WAS ALIEN-- 399 00:20:09,676 --> 00:20:11,678 THE MUSIC THAT THEY LISTENED TO, 400 00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:14,414 THE CLOTHES THAT THEY WORE, EVEN THEIR CURSE WORDS. 401 00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:17,884 AND THE GIRLS-- THE GIRLS-- 402 00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:19,486 FORGET IT. 403 00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:22,289 THEY WOULDN'T EVEN LOOK IN MY DIRECTION. 404 00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:25,157 YOU STAYED ON THE EDGE OF THAT SCHOOLYARD AS WELL, 405 00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:27,327 OUTSIDE THE GATES. 406 00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:30,397 I WAS TRYING TO JOIN IN. I WAS TRYING TO FIND MY WAY. 407 00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:34,801 AND I JUST-- I JUST DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO. 408 00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,869 YOU WERE PULLED AWAY AGAIN. 409 00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:38,738 MM-HMM, YEAH. 410 00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,940 HOW LONG WAS YOUR FAMILY IN AMERICA 411 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,642 BEFORE YOUR FATHER WALKED OUT? 412 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,977 18 MONTHS. 413 00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:47,447 A YEAR AND A HALF. 414 00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:51,418 OH OKAY, I GET THE POINT YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE-- 415 00:20:51,518 --> 00:20:54,220 THAT I HAD TIME, LIKE AT BOARDING SCHOOL, 416 00:20:54,321 --> 00:20:56,255 TO JOIN IN. 417 00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:58,257 BUT SEE, THE THING IS, MY FATHER WAS-- 418 00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:01,027 HE WAS WORKING REALLY LONG HOURS. 419 00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:03,630 AND MY MOTHER WAS ALREADY UNWELL. 420 00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:05,998 YOU WERE EXPECTED TO STAY HOME WITH HER. 421 00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:09,469 YES, I WAS. AND I DID. 422 00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:12,772 YEAH. 423 00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:16,208 IT WAS A TERRIBLE BLOW. 424 00:21:16,309 --> 00:21:18,144 WAS IT? 425 00:21:18,244 --> 00:21:19,446 WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 426 00:21:19,546 --> 00:21:21,948 WAS IT A TERRIBLE BLOW OR WAS IT ALSO A RELIEF? 427 00:21:22,048 --> 00:21:24,484 - I WAS TRYING TO BE A GOOD SON. - I UNDERSTAND THAT. 428 00:21:24,584 --> 00:21:27,153 - IS THAT SO AWFUL? - OF COURSE IT'S NOT AWFUL. 429 00:21:27,253 --> 00:21:30,523 WHAT I'M SAYING IS THAT IT MAY HAVE BEEN EASIER THAN THE ALTERNATIVE. 430 00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:33,125 DO YOU THINK I WANTED TO SPEND MY TEENAGE YEARS 431 00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:36,162 WITH MY CHRONICALLY ILL MOTHER? 432 00:21:36,262 --> 00:21:37,597 I MEAN... 433 00:21:40,733 --> 00:21:43,570 THE FIRST DAY I MET YOU, YOU INSISTED 434 00:21:43,670 --> 00:21:46,639 THAT YOU AND GINA HAD IT ALL FIGURED OUT, 435 00:21:46,739 --> 00:21:49,041 THAT YOUR NEED TO SAVE PEOPLE 436 00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:50,710 STARTED WITH YOUR MOTHER'S ILLNESS. 437 00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:52,945 AND DOES THAT SEEM FAR-FETCHED TO YOU? 438 00:21:53,045 --> 00:21:54,280 IT DOESN'T. 439 00:21:54,381 --> 00:21:56,282 BUT I THINK CARING FOR YOUR MOTHER 440 00:21:56,383 --> 00:21:58,818 WAS ALSO A WAY OF SAVING YOURSELF. 441 00:21:58,918 --> 00:22:01,754 IT WAS MISERABLE, YES, 442 00:22:01,854 --> 00:22:03,756 BUT IT WAS ALSO SAFE 443 00:22:03,856 --> 00:22:06,025 AND FAMILIAR. 444 00:22:06,125 --> 00:22:07,627 AND IT KEPT YOU FROM HAVING TO FIND 445 00:22:07,727 --> 00:22:09,896 ANY REAL CONNECTIONS ELSEWHERE, 446 00:22:09,996 --> 00:22:14,333 FROM RISKING YOURSELF IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD. 447 00:22:14,434 --> 00:22:16,903 AND IT ALSO HAD THE CONVENIENCE 448 00:22:17,003 --> 00:22:20,673 OF ALLOWING YOU TO BLAME IT ALL ON YOUR FATHER. 449 00:22:20,773 --> 00:22:22,609 AND IT'S REALLY NOT SO DIFFERENT 450 00:22:22,709 --> 00:22:24,877 FROM WHAT YOU DO TO THIS DAY, IS IT? 451 00:22:24,977 --> 00:22:29,416 YOU CLOISTER YOURSELF IN YOUR APARTMENT 452 00:22:29,516 --> 00:22:32,318 OR YOUR BURROWLIKE OFFICE. 453 00:22:32,419 --> 00:22:35,054 YOU CONVINCE YOURSELF YOU'RE SICK. 454 00:22:35,154 --> 00:22:37,557 YOU ACCEPT A GROWING PARALYSIS 455 00:22:37,657 --> 00:22:39,992 RATHER THAN TAKING A RISK OF FINDING 456 00:22:40,092 --> 00:22:44,030 WHERE OR TOWARDS WHOM YOUR REAL PASSION LIES. 457 00:22:44,130 --> 00:22:45,798 IS IT ANY WONDER 458 00:22:45,898 --> 00:22:50,537 YOU HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT DRIVES YOU YET? 459 00:22:50,637 --> 00:22:52,672 YOU'RE 57 YEARS OLD. 460 00:22:52,772 --> 00:22:54,874 AT A CERTAIN POINT YOU HAVE TO MOVE PAST 461 00:22:54,974 --> 00:22:57,977 THE STORIES THAT YOU'VE ASSIGNED TO YOUR LIFE, 462 00:22:58,077 --> 00:23:01,180 THESE STEADFAST EXPLANATIONS 463 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:03,716 YOU'VE SETTLED ON YEARS AGO. 464 00:23:03,816 --> 00:23:06,453 YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT YOURSELF AGAIN 465 00:23:07,286 --> 00:23:08,488 FOR REAL ANSWERS. 466 00:23:08,588 --> 00:23:10,089 YOU HAVE TO TAKE THAT RISK. 467 00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,127 WELL... 468 00:23:16,062 --> 00:23:18,531 YOU'RE SO YOUNG 469 00:23:18,631 --> 00:23:21,768 AND YET YOU'RE SO CONFIDENT. 470 00:23:21,868 --> 00:23:23,470 ABOUT WHAT? 471 00:23:23,570 --> 00:23:27,640 YOU JUST SEEM SO CERTAIN THAT YOU'RE RIGHT. 472 00:23:27,740 --> 00:23:30,342 YOU SEE EVERYTHING CLEARLY. 473 00:23:30,443 --> 00:23:34,213 DO YOU THINK I SEE YOU CLEARLY? 474 00:23:34,313 --> 00:23:37,083 BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU MORE CLEARLY, 475 00:23:37,183 --> 00:23:39,218 BUT I FIND YOU'RE FAIRLY EXPERT 476 00:23:39,318 --> 00:23:41,420 AT OBSCURING THE VIEW. 477 00:23:43,856 --> 00:23:46,993 THAT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE HEARD THAT, IS IT? 478 00:23:47,093 --> 00:23:48,995 IN SO MANY WORDS. 479 00:23:51,030 --> 00:23:53,466 I-- I TOLD YOU EARLIER 480 00:23:53,566 --> 00:23:56,068 THAT I WAS DISTRACTED 481 00:23:56,168 --> 00:23:59,472 WHEN I WAS WITH WENDY. 482 00:23:59,572 --> 00:24:02,542 AND YOU ASKED ME WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT. 483 00:24:02,642 --> 00:24:05,578 AND I SAID I DIDN'T KNOW. 484 00:24:05,678 --> 00:24:10,249 YOU ASKED ME IF I HOLD MYSELF BACK, 485 00:24:10,349 --> 00:24:13,085 AND I DIDN'T ANSWER. 486 00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:17,690 WELL, I DO HOLD MYSELF BACK. 487 00:24:19,291 --> 00:24:20,893 DO YOU KNOW WHY? 488 00:24:27,299 --> 00:24:29,468 I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU. 489 00:24:34,541 --> 00:24:36,242 I HEAR YOUR VOICE 490 00:24:38,310 --> 00:24:39,846 A LOT. 491 00:24:42,549 --> 00:24:45,952 I ADMIRE YOUR CLARITY, YOUR-- 492 00:24:46,052 --> 00:24:47,854 YOU SEE ME. 493 00:24:49,922 --> 00:24:53,459 I NOTICED THAT YOU DON'T WEAR A WEDDING RING. 494 00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:55,795 AND I'VE IMAGINED 495 00:24:55,895 --> 00:24:58,798 THAT YOU MIGHT UNDERSTAND SOMETHING OF MY LIFE, 496 00:25:00,366 --> 00:25:03,235 MY LONELINESS. 497 00:25:08,608 --> 00:25:11,010 I KNOW, I KNOW-- 498 00:25:11,110 --> 00:25:12,545 TEXTBOOK TRANSFERENCE. 499 00:25:12,645 --> 00:25:16,415 I KNOW IT'S RIDICULOUS, A FANTASY. 500 00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:19,285 AND IT'S MY COMEUPPANCE 501 00:25:19,385 --> 00:25:22,188 FOR BEING ON THE RECEIVING END OF THESE SORTS OF FEELINGS. 502 00:25:22,288 --> 00:25:25,758 BUT YOU DID ASK. 503 00:25:27,426 --> 00:25:29,629 I'M GLAD YOU ANSWERED. 504 00:25:30,597 --> 00:25:32,364 YOU LOOK-- 505 00:25:32,464 --> 00:25:35,201 YOU LOOK KIND OF SHOCKED. 506 00:25:35,301 --> 00:25:37,136 WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? 507 00:25:39,972 --> 00:25:41,974 NOTHING. 508 00:25:42,074 --> 00:25:44,744 DO YOU RECOGNIZE WHAT YOU'RE DOING? 509 00:25:44,844 --> 00:25:48,514 YOU'RE HOLDING YOURSELF BACK AGAIN. 510 00:25:48,615 --> 00:25:50,549 AS SOON AS YOU EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS, 511 00:25:50,650 --> 00:25:53,653 YOU DISMISS THEM IMMEDIATELY, 512 00:25:53,753 --> 00:25:56,789 CALL IT RIDICULOUS, OFFER AN EXCUSE. 513 00:25:58,190 --> 00:25:59,425 WHAT-- 514 00:25:59,525 --> 00:26:02,261 WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU SAYING? 515 00:26:02,361 --> 00:26:06,232 I'M SAYING THAT BETWEEN NOW AND NEXT SESSION 516 00:26:06,332 --> 00:26:09,702 YOU MAY WANT TO THINK ABOUT WHY YOU DO THAT. 517 00:26:09,802 --> 00:26:12,271 ARE YOU TELLING ME--? 518 00:26:12,371 --> 00:26:14,573 ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY--? 519 00:26:14,674 --> 00:26:17,309 WE HAVE TO STOP. 520 00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:20,446 LET'S PICK THIS UP NEXT WEEK. 521 00:26:20,546 --> 00:26:23,783 THIS WILL BE AN EXCELLENT PLACE TO START. 522 00:26:25,084 --> 00:26:26,886 OKAY. 523 00:26:33,926 --> 00:26:36,062 WE'LL TALK MORE NEXT WEEK. 524 00:26:38,497 --> 00:26:40,199 HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND. 525 00:26:49,475 --> 00:26:54,313 ( theme music playing )