Maybe you ought to come on inside.
Are you trying to glamour me?
Yes.
-That doesn't work on me. -Why not?
I don't know. lt just doesn't.
Is Bill available?
Let her in.
Diane, let her in.
-Oh, fuck him. -You have.
If y'all excuse me and Bill a minute...
...we have some business to attend to.
Where'd you find this?
Man, she smells fucking sweet.
And to think just five minutes ago you were telling us...
...how you were living mainly on synthetic blood.
-You big poser. -l don't know, Malcolm.
She looks like a virgin to me.
That's none of your damn business, you nosy bitch.
It is my business, cupcake.
You wanna know why?
Because virgin blood is the best-tasting blood there is.
Well, second best. The best would be--
-Baby's blood. -Yeah.
I get hard just thinking about it.
Ladies first.
Stop.
Sookie is mine.
Well, if you're Bill's...
...l certainly don't wanna do anything to disturb your little arrangement.
That's why I always bring Jerry with me wherever l go.
He's like mad money.
Somebody needs to get down on my johnson.
Oh, she's innocent.
-She's mine. -Yeah, yeah, we got it.
So why aren't you over there taking care of your master, human?
Can't you see how hungry he is?
Bill, if you're hungry...
...you're more than welcome to have some of Jerry.
Come on, suck it.
Stick them in already. Get infected, you fucking vampire asshole.
Come on, do it. Let's see how you like hep D.
You fuckers won't be able to move for a year.
Stop, he has hep D!
-What is hep D? -Fucking bitch.
How does she know that? I didn't tell a soul.
These fuckers killed Marcus.
If he hadn't gotten hooked on V, he never would have left me.
Well, this has all been very illuminating.
But we've got a long ride back to Monroe...
...and l'm sure we'll all wanna have a little talk with Jerry when he wakes up.
Out, Janella. We're being evicted.
Hey.
Isn't anyone even the slightest bit interested...
...in how this little bitch knew about Jerry?
You can't speak yet, can you, sweetheart?
I could make her talk.
Diane, you forget.
Yeah, yeah. She's yours.
Whatever.
Jerry, you stupid bitch.
Nobody fucks with me and gets away with it.
I'm sorry you had to witness that.
Your visit was unexpected.
What's hep D?
Hepatitis D is the only blood-borne pathogen...
...to which we are susceptible.
-Malcolm must be furious. -Hepatitis?
A mutation. Relatively harmless to humans, oddly enough.
I've never even heard of it.
-We've kept it out of the media. -And it makes you sick for a year?
No.
Just makes us weak for about a month or so.
The biggest danger to us from hep D...
...is being captured and staked during that time.
Yeah. You don't want your weaknesses to be public knowledge.
Precisely.
And what the hell did you mean, "Sookie is mine"?
I was communicating to the others that you were my human...
...and was the only one who could feed on you.
You most certainly cannot feed on me.
Of course I can't, but had they known that, they'd have considered you fair game.
I wouldn't have been able to stop them. It would be three against one...
...and Malcolm is older and quite strong.
And you and Diane dated?
We had sex once.
Just after she was made a vampire back in the late 1 930s.
What? Gross.
Bill, she's so-- They're all so mean, so--
Evil. Yes, they are.
They share a nest.
And when vampires live in nests, they become cruel...
...more vicious.
They become laws unto themselves.
Whereas vampires such as l, who live alone...
...are much more likely to hang onto some semblance...
...of our former humanity.
Here.
Contact info for two electrical contractors.
They're willing to come out at night and give you quotes.
-Thank you. -l have to go.
-May I kiss you goodnight? -No.
I couldn't stand it after them.
-Why are you still here? -l don't wanna go home.
-Okay. -Night, y'all.
-Night, Dawn. -Night.
Can l have one of those?
I guess. Long as you're not on the clock.
Sam, you think Sookie's getting serious about that vampire?
I think she's getting to know him.
Once she does, I don't think she'll be getting too serious.
I think he's getting pretty damn serious about her.
How so?
I was over at the Stackhouses' last night.
He came over to call on Sookie. All cleaned up and smelling nice.
Looking like he just stepped out of some movie about plantations and shit.
Do you know he actually owned slaves?
Least he could have done was apologize to me.
How'd Miss Stackhouse feel about a vampire in her house...
...interested in her granddaughter?
Sam, she seemed like she was in seventh heaven.
It was fucking weird.
You know you don't have anybody to blame but yourself.
Obvious you're carrying a big one for Sookie.
I've known it ever since I met you.
That's really not any of your business, now, is it?
She's always been, well, peculiar around men.
I mean, she's not gonna make the first move.
Do I have to remind you that I'm your boss?
Oh, come on, Sam.
Don't try to pull any of that "working for the man" shit.
You should have said something and you know it. How come you never have?
How come you never said anything to Jason?
Because I'm comfortable with him being right where he is...
...which is unattainable.
Which is part of my whole fucked-up thing.
Low self-esteem, childhood trauma, blah, blah, snore.
What's your excuse?
You know, not everybody likes to lay their guts out on the table like that, Tara.
Yeah, they might not like it...
...but they all dream about finding somebody they can do it with.
You know what the funny thing is?
I kind of did let Sookie know for the first time night before last.
Not even a minute before that vampire walked through my front door.
Well, if I were you,
I would get in there right now while you still got a shot.
No, you wouldn't. You just said so yourself.
Well....
-She can't hear his thoughts. -For real?
Well, that explains everything.
I told her she can listen to my thoughts whenever she wanted to.
She doesn't wanna listen to anybody's thoughts.
She wants to not hear them.
But that requires constant work on her part.
And now she's met somebody...
...and she can drop all that effort and just relax.
Oh, man, you don't stand a chance. I'm really sorry, but you don't.
-You know, you can go home any time. -No, I can't.
Really.
-You kept me waiting. -Oh, God.
I don't like to wait.
-l need to taste you again. -Come on, Jason.
I probably should have told you I've got a highly addictive nature.
I'm gonna get some more of that sweet stuff out of you.
I guess you don't have too much of a problem with that.
Don't fight me, because I will hurt you.
What are you to me?
Just another idiot slut who puts out for vampires.
Oh, yeah. Here we go.
I knew you liked it.
Slow down. l'm in no hurry.
I just drained that poor fuck you left tied up to the bed.
Very considerate of you, by the way.
Oh, God! Where is he? Oh, no!
-Which part of him? -This isn't happening.
What'd you expect me to do? You laid him out like an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Although he did put up quite a fight.
-You! -Oh, yeah.
That is not funny. That is not funny!
Yes, yeah. Yeah.
Just think of it as foreplay, baby.
Do it again. Do it again.
Give me some of that sweet stuff.
Goddamn it, Bill. How many times do I have to tell you? Do not do that.
I'm sorry. It wasn't intentional. I just got here.
I wanted to make sure that you were safe.
Why can't l hear your thoughts?
Do you even have any thoughts?
Oh, l have thoughts.
-Many lifetimes of thoughts. -So why can't I hear them?
I don't know.
Perhaps it's because I don't have brain waves.
Why not?
Because I'm dead.
No, you're not. You're standing here talking to me.
I have no heartbeat. I have no need to breathe.
There are no electrical impulses in my body.
What animates you no longer animates me.
What does animate you then?
Blood?
How do you digest it if nothing works?
-Magic. -Oh, come on, Bill.
I may look naive, but l'm not.
And you need to remember that.
You think that it's not magic that keeps you alive?
Just because you understand the mechanics of how something works...
...doesn't make it any less of a miracle.
Which is just another word for magic.
We're all kept alive by magic, Sookie.
My magic's just a little different from yours, that's all.
I think we need to stop seeing each other.
-Why? -Because you don't breathe.
You don't have any electrical whatever-it-is.
Your friends would like to rip my throat out.
And vampires killed that preacher from the Fellowship of the Sun church...
...and his wife and baby.
You look me in the eye and tell me they didn't do it.
Humans have killed millions upon millions in senseless wars.
I do not hold you responsible for that.
Bill, night before last, I had to bury my clothes...
...because I didn't want my grandmother to find out I was almost killed.
Tonight, I was almost killed again.
Why on earth would l continue seeing you?
Because you will never find a human man you can be yourself with.
-Sookie. -Do not touch me.
Just go, please.
Thanks.
So...
...can I ask you a personal question?
Sure.
Why is it you don't wanna go home?
This right here.
My mama's a drunk.
Not just a slurs-her-words drunk...
...a waking-up-in-her-own-vomit kind of drunk.
I'm sorry.
I just can't be around her when she's gone like that.
Yeah.
I know she may end up dying...
...lighting herself on fire with a lit cigarette...
...but l can't.
I won't.
So, see, not only is the whole situation horrible...
...my guilt about it just makes it that much worse.
Why don't you get your own place?
Well, why don't you give me a raise?
-Had she ever tried AA? -She doesn't need AA, Sam.
She's got Jesus.
Can l ask you a personal question?
Hold on.
All right.
Are you lonely?
Yes.
I am. l am very-- Very lonely.
How come you don't have a girlfriend?
Plenty of women in this town will go for you.
-l don't know if that's true. -You're hot, you have a job.
You're not a serial killer.
-Yeah, who could resist that? -Well?
-Why don't you have a boyfriend? -We're not talking about me right now.
Yeah, well...
...l just have a hard time opening up, that's all.
Oh, please.
What have you got to hide that's so fucking bad in this fucking town?
No, Tara. I said l have a hard time opening up, and l meant it.
-l'm not gonna do it. -Don't you ever get horny?
Sure.
How long has it been since you've had sex?
-A few months. -That sucks.
-How about you? -Eight months, three weeks.
-That sucks. -You don't know.
Well.... Well, I guess you do.
-Hey, you want another one? -Are you kidding?
I'm an adult child of an alcoholic. I'll need at least three more.
All right.
-l'll be right back. -All right.
So maybe you and l should sleep together.
-Yeah, right. -No, I mean, we're grownups.
No strings. Friends with benefits.
Tara, you're my employee.
Sam, aren't you sick of not getting laid?
-l know l am. -Yeah, but that doesn't mean--
-You have any condoms? -Tara.
-That's a terrible idea. -All right. Whatever.
I mean, l am not looking for a boyfriend.
Especially one who can fire me.
This would strictly be a one-time deal. We never even have to mention it again.
No.
Suit yourself.
You really think you'd be able to not let it affect our working relationship?
I've had to do much harder things than that in my life, believe me.
If it got weird, I'd probably have to let you go.
Big deal. You didn't even wanna hire me in the first place.
Okay.
Yeah?
Great.
-You feel nice. -Yeah, I know l do.
What's wrong?
Jason, baby.
What is it?
I hate that you've been with vampires.
And how exactly is that any of your business?
Well, they're fucked up, Dawn. They're freaks.
They're fucking dead.
What's wrong with you, letting something nasty like that touch you?
That was the best sex I ever had in my life.
And who are you to judge?
You fuck anything with a space between its legs.
Best sex? You told me I was the best sex you ever had.
Yeah, and then you stopped calling and coming to Merlotte's.
And then I met that vampire.
Which vampire?
Bald-headed, tattoos, crazy?
No. Actually, he had a lot of hair.
I met him in Shreveport at the vampire bar.
And you just let him bite you?
Yeah, and I'm not--
-l'm not ashamed of that. -You ought to be.
You ought to get off your high horse.
That who you thought I was tonight?
When you started rubbing up against me like a cat in heat?
-No, baby. I knew all along it was you. -You're a lying sack of shit.
You would fuck that vampire and let him bite you...
-...if he showed up tonight. -All right.
Now this is getting boring.
And l think you should leave.
And you gonna throw me out? I don't think so.
-This is my house. -And I ain't going nowhere.
God, just because you lost your hard-on...
...doesn't mean you have to have a fucking meltdown.
Believe it or not, Jason...
...the world does not revolve around your dick.
-Where are you going? -To get a cigarette!
It isn't like l don't know that you're a great fuck.
Happens to every guy at some point or another.
Would you stop talking about it, please?
Every guy except for vampires.
-Does it look like l'm laughing? -You should be.
You do not own me, Jason Stackhouse.
And if l want you out of my house, you better get your sorry ass out of here.
-l ain't going nowhere. -Oh, yes, you are.
You are obnoxious and full of yourself and dumber than a box of hair.
And now you can't even get it up?
There's no reason why l should be seeing you anymore.
-You're fucking crazy. -You bet your ass I am.
-Get the fuck out of my house. -Let me get my pants on.
I don't think l feel like waiting.
-Get the fuck out! -Goddamned woman.
That's right, you get the fuck out of my house!
Limp-dick motherfucker! Why don't you go fuck your grandmamma...
-...with that limp dick? -Bitch!
I can get it up!
Bitch!
Yeah, you heard me. Your neighbor's a crazy bitch!
Goddamn bloodsuckers.
Fuck!
Sookie, don't ever sneak up on a vampire.
What are you doing here?
All right, here's the deal. And this is a little embarrassing.
I've never been with a man intimately, for all the reasons I told you about...
...but l feel things when I'm with you that make me think.
And l know this could be a huge mistake, one l will regret forever...
...but it feels like you're the one that I'm supposed to do it with...
...and l'm really nervous about that, and frankly, l'm scared to death of you.
So can we just get it out of the way already so l can relax and get a good night's sleep?
Just don't bite me, okay?
Stop that.
You gotta be kidding me.
--vampires assassinated my father because of his campaign...
...against the vampire agenda.
Theodore Newlin is a hero.
-First casualty in World War III. -Amen.
It's Armageddon.
-Amen. -Amen.
I intend to continue my father's work--
Vampire bats are bats that feed on blood.
Feeding on the blood of animals like cows, pigs and horses.
The vampire bat requires about two tablespoons--
Damn it.
Oh, Malcolm. Come on, baby.
Damn. l really liked Jerry.
Don't worry.
We'll find you another hot little blood bag.
Let's go down to LSU tomorrow night and raid us a frat house.
Yes.
I'm in the mood for something dumb, thick and juicy.
What luck. It's everyone's favorite buzz kill.
-Hey, baby. -Yo, Mr. Mainstream.
Thirsty?
-No. -Hungry for something else?
I remember you having a very sizeable...
...appetite.
The three of you will stay away from me and Sookie from now on.
I'm your elder. You have no authority here.
-There are higher authorities. -l'm not afraid of Eric.
Higher than him.
Well, then she can speak to me.
She can suck on sunlight for all l care.
You are doing nothing to help our cause.
Not everyone wants to dress up and play human, Bill.
Yeah. Not everybody wants to live off that Japanese shit...
...they call blood, either.
As if we could.
We have to moderate our behavior now that we are out in the open.
Not everybody thinks that it was such a great idea.
And not everybody intends to toe the party line.
Honey, if we can't kill people,
what's the point of being a vampire?
Where's Jerry?
We left him on the side of l-20.
Well, most of him, anyway.
I kept a souvenir or two.
And Janella felt so bad about what Jerry did...
...she made the ultimate sacrifice.
-You know, y'all make me sick. -You used to be fun.
This all on account of that little blond breather?
If you insist on flaunting your ways in front of mortals...
...there will be consequences.
Asshole.
-Where the hell you been, you dirty whore? -Mama.
Out all night doing all kinds of God-know-what.
You the devil, child. You ain't no child of mine.
-Oh, Jesus. -Jesus ain't gonna help you.
Yeah, that's been clear for quite some time.
You sass the Lord and I will kick your skinny ass, you hear me?
You can't even stand up, you pathetic, ugly old bitch.
Shit. Oh, Mama.
-Sorry. -l ain't ugly.
Oh, Mama, why do you wanna do this to yourself?
If Jesus was here, he'd take one look at you...
...and he'd apologize for giving me such a spiteful child.
You kidding? Jesus wouldn't even set foot inside this house.
Not with the way you smell.
Now, let's just go and take a shower, okay?
Let me lift you up.
Who's ugly now?
All right.
You may have carried me and nursed me...
...but obviously you are now set on killing me.
And if l'm forced to choose between you and me, guess what?
You lose.
You get back here. You help me up.
You on your own, old woman.
Sookie.
You're gonna faint out here in this heat, honey.
It's barely 9:00 and already 80 degrees.
Here, l made you some lemonade.
-Fresh-squeezed. -Thanks, Gran.
Goodness, what has got into you?
I just need to stay busy right now, that's all.
-What? How long have you been--? -l started when the sun came up.
But l was up much earlier than that. I just stayed inside.
Are you concerned about the vampire?
Sookie, has he done something untoward?
No. No, not at all.
Well, l'm just thinking....
What l'm thinking is stay away...
...but what l'm feeling-- What l'm feeling with my whole body...
...is something else entirely.
And l don't know whether to trust my head or....
Heart.
Yes.
Well, that is a dilemma.
Come inside and let me make you something to eat.
If you're out working like a horse...
...at least have something in your stomach.
-Oh, no, thanks. l'm not hungry. -l didn't ask if you were hungry.
I'm coming. Hell, beating on my fucking door.
Damn.
She hit me with a fucking liquor bottle. My head is bleeding.
-Will you stop yelling? I got a guest. -Oh, shit.
-He in the shower. -Do you think l'll need stitches?
Let me see. No.
You just need to put some peroxide on that...
...then take two Vicodin with a big glass of red wine.
Then smoke some badass ganja, baby.
By the time you wake up:
All healed.
Here.
One, two.
Mind if I stay here for a while?
-Does it matter if I mind? -Nope.
Then do you.
Damn.
After everything l've done for that woman.
Poor baby. Here.
Suck on this.
It'll make you feel a lot better.
Oh, hi.
This is my cousin Tara. Tara, this is--
Duke. Duke Smith.
Boyfriend, you are so not a Duke.
I left the...in the....
-Excellent, excellent. -All right.
-For the road? -All right.
Thank you.
-Call me when the...comes in. -l will.
Ta-ta. Take care, Duke.
-What the hell was that? -That was a state senator.
-You're a prostitute now? -l'm an entrepreneur.
What?
I'm supposed to be satisfied being a fucking short-order cook...
...and working on a road crew?
Which is basically one step from the chain gang.
But l ain't complaining, baby.
No, I ain't, because it gives me this body.
And this body's gonna be my fucking ticket.
Yes, it is. How else am l gonna get ahead in this Podunk town?
Already got a website.
Sure do.
What's wrong with us, Lafayette?
You're a state-senator-fucking prostitute...
...and l'm a bartender in a redneck bar who fucks her boss.
Who's in love with her best friend.
Here, just take another hit off this.
Wait a minute. You slept with Sam?
You know what? He barks in his sleep.
-Oh, damn. White folks just all fucked up. -Yeah, that's what l said.
Hey, what's up, my brother? Hey.
Oh, hell.
"Starbucks coming to Marthaville."
Wonder if l'm gonna break down and get a goddamn cappuccino machine.
Hey.
You know what l really wish would come to Marthaville?
Buffy.
Or Blade.
Or any one of those badass vampire killers who'd take care of Mr. Bill Compton.
That's what l wish.
You don't care about my problems at all, do you?
You just wanna play, huh? One-track mind.
Ready? Ready? Go. Go get it.
Marthaville's getting a Starbucks.
I cannot for the life of me see why anybody would spend $3 on a cup of coffee...
...with too much milk.
Arlene told me people are less calcium-deficient...
...than they used to be because of all the fancy coffee they drink nowadays.
You know, I never thought of that, but it does make sense.
Hey, Gran.
Do you think I should continue seeing Bill?
Sookie...
...l can't tell you that.
I can tell you that l think he is a smart, handsome...
...and very polite young man.
But of course he's gonna show his best side to me...
...so that l won't stand in the way of his courting you.
He scares me.
Well, it is scary opening your heart up to somebody.
I think it's a little scarier with a vampire than with a regular guy.
I suppose.
Bill is the first vampire l ever met that I know of.
Not scared that he would ever hurt me.
Scared because I don't know what he's thinking.
I would imagine that that wouldn't be such a bad thing for you...
...with your...ability.
You know, your grandfather used to know things.
What things?
If somebody was having money problems, running around behind their wife's back.
Sick. That kind of thing.
Personal things they never would have told anybody about.
See, that's exactly it. If l don't stop myself from it...
...l hear everybody's deepest, darkest secrets.
I'm sorry, that's just too much information.
But then Earl's brother, your great-uncle Francis...
...came back from Korea in real bad shape.
All torn up from the things he'd seen.
Earl knew he was thinking about killing himself.
He went over there in the middle of the night one night.
Francis was just about to kick the chair out from underneath him.
Already had the noose around his neck.
But Earl talked him out of it.
I just think there is a purpose for everything that God creates.
Whether it's a unique ability...
...or a cup of overpriced coffee with too much milk.
Or a vampire.
God will reveal that purpose when the time is right.
Wait.
I thought Great-Uncle Francis did kill himself, with a shotgun.
Oh, yes, he did, but that was years later.
Hold on, goddamn it. Shit.
What the damn fuck, huh?
Well, hello, hotness.
Lafayette, l need your help.
I am so glad you finally recognized that truth.
You're wearing gold pants.
So, what you need?
I....
Do you have any...
...Viagra?
What?
Viagra. Do you have any Viagra?
-No. -Seriously?
-l thought you had everything. -Jason, puppy dog...
...Viagra is legal.
You can buy it in the drugstore.
Yeah, l know, but l need it now.
Don't you have anything that would--?
Give you wood so hard a saw couldn't cut through it?
Yeah, that sounds good. l think.
Yeah. l do.
-But it's very expensive. -Well, how much?
-Six hundred a quarter of an ounce. -Get the fuck out of here.
What in the hell's worth that kind of money?
When'd you start dealing V?
When I realized there was a market for it.
Now, l don't want this getting out, motherfucker. Do you understand me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The vamps don't take kindly to the juice dispenser.
Where'd you get it?
Let's just say I have an arrangement with a certain life-challenged individual...
...who appreciate my multi-faceted talents.
Goddamn.
Is there anybody who isn't fucking vampires these days?
Tell me something, lover.
Do you wanna get it up and keep it up...
...and have the best sex you have ever had for both you and your lady friend?
Yes, yes, yes.
Take one, maybe two drops of this. No more.
Okay.
Any more and things might get a little intense, and I don't mean in a good way.
Thanks, man. Appreciate it.
Ain't nothing free in my world.
Can l pay you later? I need to run to the bank.
Motherfucker, who you think l am?
Look, l don't run a layaway program.
-And I ain't interested in instituting one. -Oh, come on, Lafayette.
Isn't there some way you can let me pay you this afternoon?
Goddamn it, l hate video cameras.
You know how much you could make if you had your own website?
Queens all over this world would pay good money...
...just to watch you jack off.
-Hey, you said all I had to do was dance. -Okay.
Dance.
Is anybody gonna see this who knows me?
Probably. There's a lot of pervs in this town.
Okay, no way. That's not cool, man.
Look...
...do you want the V or not?
Give me the fucking mask.
That's my Jason.
What the fuck?
I like what you're working with.
Shake that ass.
Oh, lover, you gonna make me clutch my pearls.
-Hello? -Hey, Sookie, it's Sam.
-Could you do me a favor? -Sure, maybe.
I'm set to open for lunch in 20 minutes and Dawn still hasn't shown up for her shift.
Oh, Sam, I really need my day off.
I'm not asking you to come in.
I just need you to run by Dawn's and wake her up. She probably overslept.
Okay.
Dawn?
It's me, Sookie.
Honey, you overslept.
Dawn?
Are you here?