Oh, that's it, baby.
Yeah.
"Baby"?
I'm over a thousand years old.
Are you not having a good time?
Well, there's just not much thrill left in feeding on the willing.
Then should I try pretending not to want it?
Only if you're very, very good at it.
Stop. Get off me.
You sick bloodsucking bastard.
Off you go.
Tell your manager you were magnificent.
I'll back up your story if he calls.
I was beginning to think you weren't going to accept my invitation, Lorena.
For a vampire, you're a terrible liar.
Tell them to go away.
It could be anyone.
- Who's there? - Isabel, from the summit.
- And who is this? - His name is Hugo.
He is mine.
I could see how worried you were about Sookie infiltrating the Fellowship.
I thought Hugo could help.
And why would you wanna help us?
Because Godric is my sheriff, not yours.
It would be criminal of me to let you take such a risk without my at least offering.
- And why would you wanna help us? - Well, I would do anything for Isabel.
Forever, and not just my forever, your forever, and forever and forever.
It's true, he would.
He loves her.
- You, he loves you very much. - And I him.
Consider my offer. If nothing else, with Hugo there...
...Sookie will be less likely to arouse suspicion.
People of the church, they have a way of not trusting a woman...
...when she's absent a man.
Bill, I have to say...
...as a woman who's been absent a man most of her life...
...that could not be more true.
I considered booking you in the room adjoining theirs...
...but I thought that might be a bit over the top.
Why am I here, Mr. Northman?
We want the same thing, you and I.
Okay, Bill has something I want...
...and he's in the way.
- His human? - No, she's something more than human.
What is she?
That I do not know.
But whatever she is, he loves her.
What makes you think I want him back?
That I'd even take him?
Because you didn't come all this way just to see me.
I haven't seen Bill Compton in over 70 years.
Surely you can't think I have any pull over him whatsoever.
I haven't seen my maker for much longer than that...
...and yet I am still loyal to him.
Fiercely loyal.
Shame I didn't turn you.
Then again...
...you're not really my type.
Enjoying the entertainment?
Oh, yes. Very much.
Yes, he's wonderful. Just wonderful.
He is quite wonderful.
I love your necklace. It's extraordinary.
Oh, thank you. I love it too. It was a gift from Sidney.
Yeah, it cost me a pretty penny...
...but got me out of a whopper of a fight, huh?
Right, doll?
Hey, where'd you say you two were all from again? Was it Miss?
Olivier. Faviana Olivier. And we are from Europe. France.
I'm hoping to hop over the pond sometime soon, take this one with me.
I've always wanted to see Europe.
You would like it. And it would certainly like you.
You seem European already.
Most Americans these days are so puritanical.
Fuck prohibition.
- Sidney. - Yes.
- He's so crass. - But he's right. Fuck prohibition.
If you'd like, after your other guests leave...
...Guillaume and I could stay and we could all...
...fuck prohibition somewhat further.
- Absolutely. - Okay.
- Wonderful. - This gentleman is wonderful.
Smashing.
I am Guillaume.
Hey.
What happened here?
Oh, baby, if you don't wanna tell me...
It's all right.
It's just when I take my clothes off, it's all anybody ever sees.
The answer is l... I don't know what happened.
- You mean you don't remember? - Oh, I remember.
Heck, I'll never forget it.
I just never got a look at who or what it was that jumped me.
Jesus. Where were you?
In the woods, running.
And then whatever it was, it was on me.
It slashed me.
And then I was sick, real sick, for weeks.
Doctors couldn't figure out what it was.
They told me I was lucky to be alive, and I should count my blessings.
And I still do, every single day of my life.
You are the most amazing person...
...l've ever met.
You're just saying that because I'm the first honest sex you've ever had.
No, that's not true.
Have you told anybody else what you are?
Yeah. My...
My friend Sookie. She knows.
And have you slept with her?
No.
Well, I rest my case.
Seriously though, Sam, you shouldn't be ashamed of what you are.
I'm not ashamed.
- I just don't go around advertising it. - Well, neither do I.
But the people that I know, the people that I love...
...I don't keep it a secret from them.
How come you do?
I guess it's because it's dangerous out there.
It's like, why take the risk?
Because not taking a risk is riskier.
That's just wordplay.
No. No, it's not.
The way I look at it, if you're gonna take the danger out of getting to know someone...
...might as well not bother with them at all.
You've gotta share this life with people.
It's what we were put on this big old round ball to do.
And people, they need to know you.
You're just too damn special for them not to.
Where the fuck did you come from?
I'm looking for a pump for an A.O. Smith water heater.
- Can you hold on? - Yeah, I'll hold.
Shit.
Want me to take a look and you can hold the line?
That was some spiteful shit, what you said. I got this, okay? I'm the man of the house.
- No offense, Karl. - None taken.
How's your coffee?
Colder than that ridiculous excuse for a shower.
I don't know what to tell you.
I wish I had a fancier crib for you to squat in, but I don't.
Tara, you may not know this about me, but without a hot shower in the morning...
...I have no tolerance for sarcasm.
- Sorry. - You still there?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm here.
- Yeah, we got one. - You do?
- Yep. - Great. We'll be there as soon as we can.
Hardware shop in Ferriday's got the part we need.
Ferriday is over two hours away.
It's an old water heater, Maryann.
I called everyone I could within a 150-mile radius.
This guy's the only one who's got a pump that'll fit it.
So do you want somebody to go get it or not?
Drive like the wind.
- Maybe Eggs ought to come... - I want him working on the water heater...
...in case he can jury-rig something so I can take some semblance of a shower.
Maryann, I think you're overestimating your plumber.
Besides, if I have to drive a car and look at a map at the same time, I'll crash your Jag.
I know I will.
You can go. Go, go, go.
Cool.
Where you been, Stackhouse? We're 10 minutes late.
Didn't they say what they wanted to see us for?
All they said was to grab you and get our butts down to the sanctuary lawn.
- Why, you think it's something bad? - It can't be good.
Good morning.
- Think you can handle it? - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah. - It's just a...
Well, it's a platform with a cross on top of it.
- Seems pretty straightforward. - Good. Good, good.
Look, I'm sorry, but the rest of the group, they're back at camp training, right?
Shouldn't we be with them?
I mean, we ain't being punished for something, are we?
Jason Stackhouse, of all the things. Now, what would we be punishing you for?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
Well, then how about you stop sulking...
...and try to be a little thankful for the job you've been given?
I shouldn't have to remind you, but Jesus was a carpenter.
Oh, my golly.
You know, I didn't even think of the parallels.
- Should we tell them? - I don't think that's such a good idea.
Honey, they're the best of the best. They deserve to know.
Now, can you boys keep a secret?
- I hope so. - I'll take it to the grave.
This platform we're having you build, it's for a ceremony.
Have either of you ever heard the expression "meet the sun"?
You for real?
- Steve... - Sarah, I'm talking.
Luke, you wanna do the honors?
Well, if it's what I read about, meeting the sun's when you take a vampire...
...and chain him to the cross just before dawn.
When the sun comes up, the congregation gets to watch from the bleachers...
...as a vampire ignites, sent to his fiery grave once and for all.
- Jesus Christ. - Well, yes, him, but the sun too.
Get to work, boys.
- You should probably wear this. - Oh, Hugo.
Yes. Yes, a thousand times, yes.
And also, just so that they believe that we're a couple about to get married...
...it'd probably be best if you let me do most of the talking.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll just shut up and look pretty.
- That's not what I meant. - Yes, it was.
It's okay. It'll be easier to listen in on others...
...if I don't have to worry about carrying on a conversation.
Good, good. But if they do ask you any questions...
...are you sure you're gonna be able to say the things about vampires...
...that they're gonna wanna hear? - Hugo...
...I don't just hear the things that hateful people say.
I hear the things that are so hateful...
...that hateful people don't even wanna say them out loud.
Don't you worry about me.
I've got plenty of material to work with. I'll be fine.
Good.
It's funny, I don't even know you really, but you're the only other person...
...l've ever met who's dated a vampire...
What do you wanna know?
Everything.
Like do you and Isabel ever fight?
Oh, we fight like crazy.
But I've been with women I didn't fight with before.
With every one of them, the only reason that we never fought...
...was because I didn't care enough to bother.
Oh, Hugo, that is messed up.
Maybe. But it's also true.
It's funny, but whenever Bill and me fight, even as I'm screaming and I'm so mad...
...I don't think I'm ever gonna stop, somehow, in the middle of all that...
...I know we're both fighting for our relationship.
For each other.
- We're fighting to stay together. - Do you...?
- Never mind. - What?
Lately, the thing Isabel and I have been fighting about the most...
...is whenever I bring up the subject of her turning me...
...she just shuts down. She won't even discuss it.
Is that a thing that people actually do? Because it never even occurred to me.
How could it not? I mean, right now it's all well and good...
...but in 50 years, when they're still what they are...
...but we're in our 70s and 80s...
...and we're hunched over and frail and using walkers?
Come on. How could they still love us?
We should go.
Listen, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have told you that. L...
It's okay, Hugo, really. Besides, now if I die today, who cares?
I'll never have to feel old and unloved and unwanted.
Right.
"Bitches, don't you know that sarcasm and cold water do not mix?"
Oh, shit.
All right, so the next thing you wanna do is hop on the 165 South.
Excellent. You're a hell of a navigator, you know?
Eggs?
Okay, there's gonna be a diner that's built out of an old red barn...
...coming up around the bend.
- You been here before? - No, never.
- Now, why the fuck did I know that? - All right, you're freaking me out.
- You better not be fucking with me. - No, no. Turn right here.
- Eggs, tell me what's going on. - I don't know.
- Please, just turn right here. Come on. - Shit.
Eggs.
Where you going, Eggs?
You still up for doing something after work tonight?
Yeah. Sure.
Good, because I just got off the phone, and I've got a surprise lined up for you.
I don't like surprises, Arlene.
Well, that's too bad...
...because I just happen to be an extremely mysterious woman.
Can I get y'all anything else?
How about that iced tea I ordered five minutes ago?
Oh, my gosh, I am so sorry. I'll be right back with that.
And some Worcestershire.
- Any chance I'll get it? - Zero.
- She's about the worst I've ever seen. - Well, maybe it's for the best.
Seems like lately if you're too good a waitress...
...someone's gonna come along and kill you.
You are so bad, Maxine.
Hey there, Sam. Lafayette here?
In the kitchen.
I've been noticing some strange things about you lately.
Like?
Like the fact that you just up and vanish for over two weeks.
Like the fact that now that you are back, you seem to have lost some of your pizzazz.
- My pizzazz? - That's right.
Now, in case you didn't hear, Lafayette, a woman's dead.
A woman that just so happened to have ripped off your cousin and your auntie.
So for the record, where were you all that time?
I was on a cruise.
A cruise, huh? What kind of cruise?
A gay one.
Why don't you tell me what you're accusing me of?
You weren't on any damn gay cruise.
Because if you were, you would have come back with more pizzazz, not less.
So how about you and I go down to the station and I lock you up?
Leave you in a cell to rot until you confess.
Or you can just tell me now.
Because I already know what you were doing.
You were hiding out. Lying in wait.
You killed that woman and cut her heart out.
Now, tell me I'm not right.
- Leave him alone, coz. - Terry, you need to shut up.
And you need to get up. Think I will take you down to the station.
I said get the fuck up.
What the hell, Andy? Back when we were kids...
...and we used to play Cops and Robbers in Me-maw and Pa-po's backyard...
...you always used to make your arrests with dignity.
This ain't the kind of cop you set out to be.
And by the way, everybody knows that you ain't even a cop anymore.
Get the hell out of here.
- But he's a suspect. - No, he ain't.
And even if he was, does he look like he's about to run to you?
All right, you're right.
I'm sorry, Mr. Reynolds.
Okay.
Okay, buddy.
Come here. Come here.
Yeah, come here.
Close your eyes.
Close them. Close them.
That's good.
Now, I want you to imagine...
...a golden glowing ball...
...radiating warmth and safety.
That's good.
- Activation required. - Hoyt.
- You remember Bonita Lou Morris. - Nice to see you again, Miss Morris.
I paid that bill last week.
I wanna know why my phone is telling me "activation required."
Because I canceled it.
Goddang it, Mama.
Now Jessica's probably gonna think I'm one of those guys that never text back.
Good. Girls who call boys at all hours of the night like that...
...are only looking for one thing: Money.
- We don't have any money. - That's not true.
We're very comfortable.
I told you I would let you date a girl like that over my dead body...
...and I meant it.
- This is only the first step. - Oh, yeah?
Reactivate it or the next step's gonna be all mine.
And one last thing about my girlfriend that I think both of y'all need to know.
The reason that Jessica calls me all late like she does...
...is that she's a vampire.
- I can't work. - And why is that?
Every time I look at that pool table, I keep seeing you on it...
...and then I can't think about anything else.
- What do you say we get out of here? - And go where?
Well, we'll sneak out the back and shift, and run and play.
Do it out under the sun.
I would love to, but if I left work right now, my boss would kill me.
Don't slap me with a harassment suit for telling you this...
...but if you don't go out back right now and take off all your clothes, I will fire you.
- Well, we wouldn't want that. - No, we wouldn't.
- I'll meet you out back in two. - Make it one.
Help me out, Stackhouse. What should go there?
- God! Son of a... - You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine, just... Stupid.
No, you're just preoccupied. So come on now, out with it.
And I hope I don't have to remind you you're wearing your ring of honesty.
Yeah, I don't know, man. I just...
Remember what you said the other day about me only being sent up on...?
On account of Sarah wanting my...? My johnson?
Man, that's just me being jealous.
Even as it was coming out of my mouth, I knew God was frowning on me.
Because not only do you deserve everything coming your way, but Sarah...
...if she ain't the holiest person I know, then I don't know who is.
Luke, the day that we met, you said...
You said that you'd been abstinent for the last three years.
That's right.
How come?
Because sex outside of marriage is a sin.
- Now, you really believe that? - It ain't what I believe.
It's what God believes.
But some sins are bigger than others.
Like what?
Let's say you're gonna do it out of wedlock, gotta make sure the girl ain't married either.
- Right, because adultery's bad. - One of the worst.
Right up there with incest and bestiality.
What the fu...?
But all of them put together ain't half as bad as if you do it to a vampire.
Or to a dude.
Or a vampire dude, that's like crème de la crème of sins.
Ain't no repentance for that.
Straight to hell, baby.
But everything else you can repent from.
Sure. God's a... He's an open-minded guy.
To a point.
Jason Stackhouse, abstinent.
Sounds good, don't it?
Not really.
Went to the sun to fry.
What?
That is awesome, Stackhouse.
Be here all day.
- Why do I recognize her? - Because she's on TV all the time.
That's Sarah Newlin. She's the reverend's wife.
Oh, right. You know, in person, she looks like vanilla pudding.
Hi there. I just happened to be looking out the window as you were driving up.
I thought I'd come on out and greet you myself.
- I'm Sarah Newlin. And you all are? - Hi, Holly Simpson.
I cannot believe I'm actually meeting you. You are cute as a button.
Well, thank you, Holly.
And you're like a cool breeze on a hot summer day.
- Quit. - And you are?
- I'm... - Silly me. This is Rufus Dobson, my fiancé.
I love saying that word. In fact, sometimes I love it so much...
...I don't even wanna get married just so I can keep on calling him it.
But we're going to. Get married, that is.
- Which is why we're looking for a church. - Well, excellent.
- And I'm pleased to meet you too, Rufus. - It's an honor.
The honor's mine.
Now, how about you all follow me in and we'll see if Steve is available.
- I'm sure he'd just love to meet you both. - For real? Reverend Newlin himself?
- Oh, that would be just super. - Well, come on.
You were gonna let me do the talking.
When I get nervous, sometimes I talk too much.
Well, the funny thing is, Rufus and I actually met in church...
...but we both left, like, a month later...
...when we realized that our pastor was a little iffy.
He was a homosexual.
We don't know that. He might have been, but what became all too clear was that...
...he was a sympathizer.
See, that really ticks me off.
I mean, how can you claim to be a God-loving person...
...and love something that God detests?
- It's upsetting. - It is. It is upsetting...
...but that's why my fiancée and I are here.
We wanna make this our new home.
We are thrilled that you've chosen us.
Wonder how that platform's coming.
I can't wait to bring that vampire up from the basement... In fact, just from knowing you the few minutes I have...
...and watch the sun do him the justice that 2000 years of living couldn't. ...I can't help but feel that we're all gonna make each other's worlds richer.
It'll be amazing to finally be amongst like-minded people.
I don't care what anyone says about vampires being able to control themselves.
I know better. I know that every single one of them...
...is a vicious, bloodthirsty killer.
You have a lovely home.
- Th... Th... Thank you. - You're wel... Wel... Welcome.
- We'll enjoy living in it. - Put him in the armchair.
Face it toward the bed so he can watch.
What? Watch what?
Say "au revoir."
Say it.
Why are you doing this?
Well, because we can.
- Wait. - What is it?
I want you to have this.
You are so thoughtful and generous.
I love you, William Compton.
We've been walking for over 45 minutes. You still haven't told me where we're going.
- I said I don't know. - "I don't know" ain't a place, Eggs.
It's a state of mind. A state of mind I don't like being in.
What the fuck?
Eggs?
- I've been here before. - I thought you said...
I know what I said, and... So I guess I haven't, but I have.
I don't...
Oh, Tara. Now, something happened here. Something horrible happened.
- That's pretty obvious. - You think this is funny?
No, but it don't make sense. When shit don't make sense...
...it means there's a logical explanation, you just haven't thought of it yet.
Maybe it's from when you were a little kid. Maybe somebody brought you here.
Tara, I grew up in foster homes in Memphis, and when you grow up like that...
...people ain't trying to take you on fucking vacations.
Now, I know one thing. I've been here before. I just don't even...
Shit.
Is that blood?
We must have walked a mile and a half, maybe two miles...
...and I had no idea where we were going.
But then we end up right here looking at this?
Tara, this ain't no fucking coincidence.
Come on, let's get you home. Take it slow.
Yep. See you soon.
- Careful now. - Careful? About what?
Sometimes when we open these doors...
...so much love comes flowing out that it'll knock you down...
...if you're not ready for it.
We'll be sure to brace ourselves.
- Oh, my gosh. - I know. I just love it in here.
The way it glows like it does. Particularly in the late afternoon.
- Oh, it's inspiring, isn't it? - It really is.
Yes, sirree. This is where we're getting married.
I can't wait to see you walk down this aisle.
- Me either. - Hey.
- Have either of you ever been to a lock-in? - A lock-in?
Of course she hasn't. She's no Christian.
Oh, yeah, it's loads of fun. Everybody brings their sleeping bags...
Come on, Steve. Don't bring the girl into this. ...and we eat, and have games, Bible readings.
She's probably so scared. She doesn't wanna be doing this. ...and we eat, and have games, Bible readings.
Those vampires made her do it. We all spend the night on cots, Sarah and myself included.
They say she can hear me.
I wonder if that fang-loving freakazoid can hear me right now.
She sure don't look normal.
That lock-in does sound like fun.
- Rufus, we gotta go get our sleeping bags. - But the tour's not even over yet.
I know, but I think we really ought to go so we can come back for the lockdown.
There'll be plenty of time to get ready. The lock-in is not until tomorrow night.
- You wanted to see me? - Oh, good. Holly, Rufus...
...l'd like you to meet an aide of mine.
- This is Gabe. - Pleased to meet you.
Hi.
Nice. Very nice. She's got just the perfect amount of titties showing.
Gabe here is gonna be joining us for the rest of the tour.
I know that pig.
Pig!
Hey, pig!
Wait up, pig!
Stupid fucking pig.
- How amazingly exhilarating was that? - My heart's still pounding.
I know. Mine too.
Hey, why'd you become a pig?
I was expecting to see you become a doe again.
Yeah, pig is my go-to shift.
It almost seemed like Andy recognized you.
You know? The way he was yelling after you, like, "Pig! Pig!"
Isn't "pig" exactly what you would call a pig...
...that you didn't know?
Yeah, but still, it's... It's weird.
Hush.
- Remember me? - Oh, shit.
You do. How's life?
Not so good.
Is you real?
This is nice. I could sleep here in a pinch.
What are you doing here? I ain't said nothing to nobody.
And I knew you wouldn't.
Why didn't the fuck y'all just glamour me, huh?
Poor thing. We would have...
...but then you wouldn't remember that you owed us.
Owe you?
Eric sent me with a request.
- You're back in business. - Oh, no, I ain't.
I'm out of that shit.
So sorry, but you're very much back in this shit.
You locked me up and tortured me for damn-near three motherfucking weeks...
...because you caught me selling V.
And now...
Now what?
What the fuck is vampires doing selling V anyway?
We're not. You are.
Get to work.
Now I'd like to take y'all to see a very special part of the church.
- There's more? - Yes, my father's tomb.
- It's on the lower level. - Honey, are you sure?
Absolutely, darling.
Steve, I just don't see why we need to take them down there.
You can literally feel the presence of his spirit.
- It's okay. We don't need to see it. - It's the rock our church was built on.
Like St. Peter's tomb in the Catholic Church...
...only without being polluted by evil.
Did you know there was actually a vampire pope...
...back in the Middle Ages?
Rufus.
- What's the matter? - It's no big deal.
She just has a tiny little case of claustrophobia.
We both do, actually.
At least take a quick little look. That way, you can say you saw the whole church.
- You'll be making an informed decision. - Steve.
It's all right, Sarah. This is something they need to see.
But we've already decided that we're getting married here.
So how about we go back to our apartment, look at a calendar...
...and call you to set the date.
- No. Gabe. - Get off me!
- Hey. What are you doing? Let me go. - Oh, no! Let go of me!
Is something happening to your human?
Lorena.
- Let go of me! - Come on.
Hey, a little help here, Gabe?
Pretty sure the banger's on V, the fucking cunt.
- Steve. - Help!
I made you. Your blood knows mine.
You will never physically overpower me.
- I got her. - I'm sorry.
- Stop fighting me, goddamn it. - Let me go!
What the hell?
Just when I thought today couldn't get any fucking freakier.
- People are pigs. - You got that right.
Here. Take this joint.
Shouldn't have smoked that joint, because this is really freaking my shit out.
I feel like that kid in E. T.
Except instead of following Reese's Pieces, we following clothes.
I ain't never seen E. T., but Reese's Pieces sound real good right now.
Don't they though?
- Who is it? - It's... It's Hoyt.
Hoyt?
Come on, open up. I know you must be mad at me.
I'm so sorry. My mama canceled my cell service...
...and I had no way to get in touch with you.
I got here as fast as I could.
I'm so sorry, Jessica.
I can't believe it. You came all this way?
You're not mad at me?
No. I'm so happy I could cry...
...but I don't want to, because it's really gross when I do.
I'm sorry about the flowers too. I got them in Bon Temps before I left.
- It was just really hot in my car. - No, they're beautiful.
Hello.
Steve? Sarah?
Anyone?
I'm up here. Up here on the balcony.
Hey. I just wanted to tell you that Luke and me...
...we're done with the platform.
Great.
Thank you.
Hey, are you crying?
No.
I'm sorry. You're not supposed to see me like this.
No, it's okay. Really.
- What's the matter? - It's Steve.
He's not the man I thought he was.
Sarah, your husband is a great man.
And I feel bad about what we did last night too.
But we can't try to make it easier on ourselves by...
By blaming the victim.
Jason...
...you and Luke and all the others...
...you're not being trained to defend us.
He wants to use you to start a war.
Does that sound like a great man to you?
- What? - Well, he's not one.
And I thought he was...
...but lately I've been seeing a side of him I never did before.
He's vicious and he's cruel, and he uses the C-word.
And he lies to me, Jason.
Our marriage has always been a partnership, but now he's shutting me out.
Come on, now. Here.
Don't cry.
There. All gone.
- I should go. - When I was a little girl...
...I realized that I had a calling.
That I was put here on this earth to be that great woman behind her great man.
And when Steve came into my life, I thought he was that man.
But now I see it...
...clear as day.
I'm supposed to be with you.
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We can't. It's wrong.
- You're married. - Not in my heart.
Not anymore.
And how can this be wrong if it's what God's commanding me to do?
Think God really wants this?
Yes.
- You talk to him? - Every single day of my life.
And he wants this, Jason.
Oh, God, I promise.
Okay.
- Where are you taking me? - Don't be such a nervous nelly.
It's a surprise.
What? You don't like drums?
No. It's just that in my experience, no good can come from drum music.
Follow it and all it ever leads you to is hippies and cults.
Not this time.
Hey!
- Daphne? - Sorry, Sam.
What the hell's going on?
What the fuck is this?
It's the end of the road.
No! No!