>> I'M JUST HEADING TO THE FIELDS, DUKE.
I'LL BE BACK.
[engine revs]
[sheep baaing]
>> CLEAR!
[rollicking fiddle music]
>> ALL RIGHT.
* *
>> RAT-A-BUNGA!
>> * FROM THE HAY STACKS *
* UP TO THE HILLTOPS *
* WE GO ON DANCIN' *
>> WHOO-HOO!
>> * DO THE BOOGIE-WOOGIE THROUGH THE NIGHT *
>> OW. OW. OKAY, OW.
OW!
>> * DO-SI-DO YOUR PARTNER NOW *
* GO PARTY TILL MORNIN' LIGHT *
* DO-SI-DO AND DON'T YOU KNOW *
* IT'S JUST THE WAY WE ANIMALS ROLL *
[engine revving]
>> HA HA!
[jaunty instrumental music]
* *
>> COVER YOUR SKULLS.
PROTECT YOUR VITAL ORGANS.
>> YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE
FROM SLAUGHTER BALL.
A-LA-LA-LA-LA-LLL!
[groans and grunts]
>> HA! HOME BASE.
PIP AND I ARE SAFE. MEH.
>> YOU GOT TO LEAVE THAT TREE SOMETIME.
>> NO, NO, ACTUALLY, WE NEVER HAVE TO.
>> YEAH, WE'RE GOOD.
>> AH, IS THAT A SCORPION ON THAT TREE?
>> AH, SCORPION! GET IT--
thwap!
>> YES, I AM THE MASTER.
HEY, WHO WANTS TO PLAY AGAIN?
>> PASS. >> MY BLOOD'S MISSING.
>> I SMELL TOAST.
>> TELEGRAM FOR ABBY THE COW.
>> OH, RIGHT HERE.
>> WHAT IS IT? WHO SENT YOU--
>> WHOO-HOO!
MY COUSIN VERONICA'S COMING TO VISIT TODAY.
>> THAT'S NICE.
UM, DO YOU HAVE ANY SURGICAL GAUZE?
>> YOU GUYS ARE GONNA LOVE VERONICA.
SHE IS A CRACK-UP.
WE USED TO DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER,
I'M TELLING YOU, EVERYTHING.
WE'D WRESTLE AND KICKBOX AND GO EXPLORING.
OOH, SHE'S JUST LIKE ME IN EVERY WAY.
>> J-JUST LIKE YOU?
both: A-LA-LA-LA-LA-LLL!
thwap! thwap!
>> OH! OW!
both: AAAH!
>> AAAH!
thwap!
[all scream] >> MAKE IT STOP!
>> WHY DID YOU BOYS JUST SCREAM IN TERROR?
>> OH, HOW DO YOU MEAN? >> I DIDN'T SCREAM.
>> ANYWAY, I BETTER GO GET READY FOR VERONICA'S VISIT.
OOH, THIS IS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN.
WHOO-HOO!
>> OTIS, WE ALL LOVE ABBY, BUT TWO OF HER WOULD DESTROY US.
>> GUYS, WE GOT TO MEET THIS SITUATION HEAD ON.
>> YOU MEAN HIDE UNTIL HER COUSIN LEAVES?
>> EXACTLY. TO THE ROOT CELLAR.
>> LET'S GO!
>> OTIS?
OTIS, WHERE ARE YOU?
VERONICA'S COMING ANY MINUTE,
AND I NEED TO PRACTICE MY POWER SERVE.
[door creaking]
>> [gasps]
[whispering] IT'S ABBY.
>> [whispering] YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
>> WHAT ARE YOU BOYS DOING HIDING IN THE ROOT CELLAR?
>> HA-HA, OH, HEY. H--WHOA.
WE'RE JUST GETTING READY TO, UM--
>> TO GO FISHING. >> YEAH.
>> ON MARS.
>> WE'RE NOT HIDING, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE--
>> NO MORE TALKING.
>> IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER,
I'D SAY YOU FELLOWS WERE AVOIDING VERONICA.
>> WHAT?
THAT IS PATENTLY RIDICULOUS.
>> ABSURD. >> THE MERE IDEA.
>> AFRAID OF A GIRL?
>> YOO-HOO, ABBY.
all: AH!
>> VERONICA, VERONICA.
VERONICA?
[cow brays]
[sultry saxophone music]
GOSH, VERONICA, YOU'VE CHANGED A LOT.
>> WELL, NOT YOU, DEAR.
STILL CUTE AS A BUTTON.
DO YOU MIND?
>> SORRY.
>> SO IS IT SAFE?
>> YEAH, IS IT SAFE?
all: [cat calling]
>> MY, ABBY, YOU CERTAINLY DIDN'T TELL ME
YOU LIVED WITH SUCH HANDSOME MENFOLK.
>> OH, THEM?
THEY WERE JUST LEAVING TO GO FISHING.
>> HI, VERONICA. I'M OTIS.
AND THESE ARE SOME JERKS.
>> I'M PIP. I'M ADORABLE.
>> I'M POCK--PICK--PECK.
>> HI. [stammering] I MEAN--I MEAN--HA-HA HI.
HI, HI, HI--HA-HA-HA.
>> MY NAME'S FRE-EHHH...
>> WHY ARE Y'ALL ACTING SO STUPID?
>> OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT, SUGAR.
WHO CAN HEAR THEM OVER ALL THAT HUNKINESS?
[all giggling]
>> [high-pitched voice] SHE CALLED US HUNKY.
>> RIGHT.
ANYWAY, VERONICA, WE'RE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN.
WE'LL PLAY SLAUGHTER BALL, CREAM THE CRITTER,
AND YOUR FAVORITE GAME, THUMPER BATS.
>> ABBY, NO, YOU MIGHT BRUISE HER FLAWLESS SKIN.
>> OR MUSS HER LUXURIOUS HAIR.
>> UH, HI--HA--HI. HI--
>> NOW, VERONICA, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,
ANYTHING AT ALL--
>> I WANT TO DO SOMETHING FOR HER.
>> GUYS, PLEASE, I'M TRYING TO HAVE QUALITY TIME
WITH ABBY'S HOT COUSIN.
>> I WANT QUALITY TIME.
>> NO, NO, ME. >> GET OUT OF MY WAY.
>> GRRR.
>> OH, DUKE, YOU HAVE SUCH HEALING POWERS.
>> I LIVE TO SERVE YOU, MY QUEEN.
>> VERONICA, YOU'VE BEEN HERE FOR DAYS,
AND WE HAVEN'T PLAYED THUMPER BATS ONCE.
HOW ABOUT IT?
>> NOT RIGHT NOW, DEAR. I'M A LITTLE BUSY.
>> UH, VERONICA, I WORKED ALL NIGHT
TO MAKE YOU MY SPECIAL CORN PIEROGIES
WITH IMPORTED OWL CHEESE.
>> VERONICA. >> VERONICA.
HEY, VERONICA, WE'RE NOT SURE WHAT GIRLS LIKE,
SO WE BROUGHT YOU THESE WORMS.
>> AND THIS LIGHTNING ROD.
EE-YEE-YEE-YEE-YEE.
YAH-AH-AH-AH-AH.
[pants and sighs]
[engine rumbling]
>> LOOK, VERONICA.
I TURNED THE TRACTOR INTO A MONSTER CAR
SO I COULD TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE.
PRETTY SNAZ.
>> WHY RIDE IN THAT HUNK OF JUNK WHEN YOU CAN DRIVE IN STYLE?
>> WHAT? SHE CAN'T EVEN FIT IN THAT.
>> I'LL MAKE ROOM.
[frantic arguing]
>> IT'S PHYSICS.
>> BOYS, BOYS. [cow brays]
YOU'RE ALL BEING AWFULLY SWEET.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND.
>> DIAMONDS?
>> WHERE ARE WE GONNA FIND DIAMONDS IN THE BARNYARD?
>> WELL, THIS LITTLE OLD U.S. GEOLOGICAL SURVEY MAP
SAYS THERE'S A WHOLE PASSEL OF DIAMONDS
RIGHT UNDER THAT MEADOW.
WHAT? VERONICA, YOU CAN'T HONESTLY EXPECT
THOSE BOYS WILL AGREE TO DIG DIAMONDS FOR YOU.
>> WAIT FOR IT.
>> I'LL GET THOSE DIAMONDS FOR YOU.
>> NOT IF I GET THEM FIRST. >> NO ME.
>> TO THE EARTH!
>> OUT OF MY WAY. >> EAT MY DUST.
>> VERONICA, I DON'T THINK I LIKE THE WAY
YOU'RE USING MY FRIENDS.
>> ABBY, WISE UP.
YOU'RE LIVING OVER A FORTUNE IN DIAMONDS,
AND THESE MINDLESS LOVE PUPPETS ARE WILL TO DOG THEM UP.
NOW, PLAY ALONG, AND I MIGHT TOSS A COUPLE OF GEMS YOUR WAY
BEFORE I BLOW THIS DUMP.
OH, AND UH, I THINK I'LL TAKE
THE BIG, CUTE ONE WITH ME WHEN I GO.
OTIS, IS IT?
>> GRRR.
>> SHE SURE KNOWS HOW TO KEEP THOSE MORONS HOPPING.
>> BESSY, I GOT TO FIND A WAY TO BREAK HER SPELL OVER OTIS.
>> OTIS?
DON'T YOU MEAN ALL OF THEM?
>> OH, RIGHT, ALL OF THEM.
[giggles nervously]
>> WELL, THE ONLY THING THAT'LL MAKE THOSE DUMB-DUMBS
FORGET A PRETTY FACE IS A PRETTIER FACE.
>> WHAT, ME?
OH, BESSY, I COULD NEVER LOOK AS GLAMOROUS AS VERONICA.
>> SURE YOU COULD.
COME, LET'S GO DRESS YOU UP LIKE A BIG GIRL.
>> AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR MAKEOVER CORNER
WITH YOUR HOST, MR. PIG.
>> HELLO, I'M MR. PIG.
LOOKS LIKE ABBY'S OFF TO GET A MAKEOVER.
HERE'S A FEW TIPS ON HOW A MAKEOVER CAN HELP YOU,
THE VIEWER, GO FROM FRUMPY TO FABULOUS.
>> HELLO, I AM DUKE.
I AM A FASHION NIGHTMARE.
YO, PIG, I DON'T WANT TO SAY THESE LINES.
>> SHH, MODELS GET DIZZY IF THEY TALK.
LET'S MAKE SURE WE HAVE OUR BASIC MAKEOVER TOOLS.
PANCAKE MAKEUP, SOME FABRIC SHEARS,
AND THIS TASER.
>> OH, OH, OH, YOU DON'T MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT A--
>> EH, NO TALKING.
[buzzing and groaning]
>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> TRUST ME. STOP MOVING.
[arguing and mechanical noises]
>> OH, YOU'RE A NATURAL. >> THAT LOOKS NICE.
>> WORK WITH ME, WORK WITH ME.
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT,
MAKEOVER MAGIC.
>> HEY, IT WORKED. I'M BEAUTIFUL.
AND I'M BRIMMING WITH SELF-CONFIDENCE.
>> NOW GO TAKE ON THE WORLD, BABY.
NEXT WEEK, WE'LL FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU PUT LIPSTICK ON A PIG.
UH, HEY, I DON'T WANT TO WAIT.
MM, OH, OH, MM.
MM, RED.
>> [whistles]
>> I LOVE YOU! [all clamoring]
>> ANYTHING TO REPORT, BOYS?
>> NO DIAMONDS YET, VERONICA.
I BLAME PIG.
>> IT'S TRUE I HAVE A GIMPY LUNG.
>> WELL, BACK TO WORK WITH YOU, THEN.
>> REALLY? 'CAUSE WE'RE KIND OF TIRED AND--
>> WHOEVER FINDS THE FIRST DIAMOND
GETS PROLONGED EYE CONTACT.
>> [pants frantically]
>> YOU HEARD HER. GET BACK TO WORK.
>> RIGHT. >> HERE WE GO.
>> HOLD UP.
>> SO LONG, SUCKERS.
>> WEE!
>> THERE'S SOMEONE I'D LIKE YOU ALL TO MEET.
[sultry saxophone music]
>> IS THAT ABBY? >> SHE LOOKS DIFFERENT.
>> SHE LOOKS GORGEOUS.
>> WELL, HELLO, BOYS.
>> GAH-HA. >> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
>> BUTSA-ZA-HA. >> GRRR.
>> AY-YAI-YAI. >> A LADY.
>> ABBY, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
>> LOOKS LIKE WE'RE PLAYING A GAME AFTER ALL, VERONICA.
WELL, I RECKON I'LL BEAT YOU AT THIS ONE TOO.
AH, WHOA!
[sultry saxophone music]
>> GEE, ABBY, YOU LOOK GREAT.
IT'S LIKE SEEING YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME.
SUDDENLY, I'M EXPERIENCING STRANGE NEW FEELINGS THAT--
DO YOU MIND?
>> SORRY.
>> WELL, IT'S SO NICE OF YOU TO NOTICE.
BUT DON'T YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK
IN VERONICA'S DIAMOND MINE?
>> VERONICA? WHAT'S A VERONICA?
>> GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY LOVE SLAVE.
>> WHAT'S THE MATTER, VERONICA?
JEALOUS?
>> LADY, YOU'VE STARTED SOMETHING
YOU DON'T WANT TO FINISH.
>> THUMPER BATS, HUH?
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.
>> GIRLS, NO, YOU'LL DAMAGE EACH OTHER'S BEAUTIFUL FACES.
OW, SOFT, CUSHIONY PAIN.
>> IT'S ON, GIRLFRIEND.
>> BRING IT.
[both grunting]
A-LA-LA-LA-LA-LLL!
thwap!
[grunting and yelling]
>> STOP FIGHTING.
>> OH. >> UH-OH, NO.
[both panting]
>> I'VE GOT TO ADMIT, VERONICA,
YOU'VE STILL GOT YOUR MOVES.
>> THANKS. I DO PILATES.
[grunting and warbling]
[crashing]
>> VERONICA, WHAT DID YOU DO?
FREDDY AND PECK ARE STILL DOWN THERE.
[cell phone rings]
>> Y'ELLO.
>> VERONICA, IT'S PECK. HI.
THE GOOD NEWS IS, WE FOUND YOU A GIANT DIAMOND.
>> THE BAD NEWS IS, WE'RE TRAPPED,
AND I MAY HAVE TO EAT PECK.
>> BUT, FREDDY, WE PACKED A LUNCH BOX.
>> QUIET. I KNOW THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT.
>> OH, NO. WHAT HAVE I DONE?
>> YOU'VE DOOMED TWO OF OUR FRIENDS.
YOU WERE RIGHT, ABBY.
YOUR FRIEND IS NOTHING BUT A USER,
A GODDESS-LIKE, PERFECT USER.
>> OH, PIPE DOWN.
>> OH, ABBY, I FEEL TERRIBLE.
>> YOU SHOULD. >> WELL, YOU--YES.
>> IT'S ABOUT TIME. >> YEAH! I'LL STILL MARRY YOU.
>> WAIT A MINUTE.
COZ, REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO GO CAVE SPELUNKING?
>> YOU MEAN AT OLD MAN SPINGARTEN'S PLACE?
>> YES. MAYBE WE CAN SAVE YOUR FRIENDS.
COME ON.
>> KEEP HOLDING THAT BEAM UP, OTIS.
WE'LL BE AS QUICK AS WE CAN.
>> ACTUALLY, I DON'T THINK I CAN HOLD--
>> WISH US LUCK. [smooching sound]
>> NO PROBLEM. TAKE YOUR TIME.
>> THIS IS GONNA HURT ME MORE THAN IT HURTS YOU.
>> YEAH, I DON'T SEE THAT.
>> I GOT 'EM, ABBY. >> NO.
>> PULL.
>> OOOH!
[crash]
[coughing]
>> GIRLS, YOU SAVED FREDDY AND PECK.
>> AND WE SAVED THIS GIANT DIAMOND FOR YOU, VERONICA.
>> PECK, VERONICA DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THAT.
SHE PUT ASIDE HER PETTY, SELFISH WAYS
WHEN SHE RISKED HER LIFE TO SAVE YOU.
>> GIVE ME THAT!
I RISKED MY LIFE TO SAVE THIS GIANT DIAMOND.
AND NOW THAT I HAVE IT,
SO LONG, LOSERS.
>> WELL, I HOPE YOU BOYS LEARNED YOUR LESSON.
>> YES, I'VE LEARNED THAT BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP.
YOU SEE, IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE YOUR HEART THAT TRULY MATTERS.
THEREFORE, YOU MUST NEVER JUDGE A PERSON
BY THEIR OUTWARD APPEARANCE.
>> WELL SAID, OTIS.
>> SO KNOW THAT I'M NOT JUDGING YOU WHEN I ASK YOU
TO WEAR YOUR PRETTY GIRL OUTFIT 24 HOURS A DAY.
>> YOU ARE SO SHALLOW.
>> THANK YOU. I LIKE TO THINK THAT I--
OW, OW, OW!
OW, HEY, OW!
OOH, AH, OOH, HEY, BAD--
>> AH, TO BE YOUNG AND IN LOVE AND STUPID.
[dramatic instrumental music]
* *
>> HEY, EVERYBODY, HILLY BURFORD HERE WITH LIVE BREAKING NEWS.
THE MYSTERIOUS APPEARANCE OF A GINORMOUS CHEESE CURD
IS BLOWING EVERYBODY'S MIND.
I MEAN, THAT IS ONE HUMONGOUS CURD.
>> CONGRATULATIONS, OTIS.
>> YEAH, YOUR CHEESE CURD IS FAMOUS.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT HILLY BURFORD
TO COVER YOUR STORY.
>> I KNOW. THE GUY'S A LEGEND.
BUT THAT CAMERA ANGLE ON THE CURD IS ALL WRONG.
I'M GONNA MOVE IT.
>> CHEESE-CURD-OLIGISTS SAY SAY A CURD LIKE THIS ONE
ONLY COMES ALONG EVERY 5,000 YEARS.
BUT HOW DID IT GET HERE?
IT'S A MYSTERY WRAPPED IN AN ENIGMA...
>> OH, THAT'S NOT GOOD.
>> COVERED IN CHEESE AND SLATHERED IN--
[gasps]
AAAH!
splat!
THIS JUST IN:
MY BONES ARE CRUSHED.
>> HILLY, I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN FOR YOU TO GET HURT.
I JUST WANTED PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT THE CURD.
>> ARE YOU A NEWSMAN TOO?
>> SURE, LET'S GO WITH THAT.
>> YOU GOT TO COVER THE STORY, KID.
DON'T LET MY BONE-CRUSHING INJURY HAVE BEEN IN VAIN.
DON'T LET-- [groaning and cracking]
[sirens wailing]
>> WELL, THIS IS GREAT.
UNLESS WE CAN FIND ANOTHER REPORTER
IN THE NEXT SIX SECONDS,
THIS STORY'S DEAD.
>> DID SOMEBODY SAY "REPORTER"?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT YOU HAVE GOT THE JOB.
WE ARE LIVE IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE.
>> ACTION REPORT GILL O'MALLEY HERE LIVE AT THE SCENE
OF A DEVASTATING TRAGEDY.
MOMENTS AGO, BELOVED ICON HILLY BURFORD
WAS HORRIBLY INJURED BY THIS GIANT CHEESE CURD,
WHICH, I MIGHT ADD, IS THE MOST AWESOME CHEESE PRODUCT
I HAVE EVER SEEN.
I'M HERE WITH AN EYEWITNESS TO THE INCIDENT,
THIS TINY MAN.
WHAT DID YOU SEE, TINY?
>> IT WAS AWFUL.
HE WAS ALL LIKE, "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA."
AND THEN THE CURD WAS LIKE, "GRRR."
THEN HE WAS LIKE "AY, MAMI,
GET THIS CHEESE OFF OF ME." CRACK.
AND THAT'S A BONE CRACKING.
>> WELL ACTED, TINY.
FOR MORE ON THIS DEVELOPING STORY,
LET'S TURN TO NOTED CHEESEOLOGIST
DR. SNOUT MCHUGEBUTT.
HIS NAME IS WHAT HE HAS.
WHAT HAPPENED HERE, DOCTOR?
>> WELL, IT'S HARD TO SAY.
I'LL HAVE TO TASTE IT TO BE SURE.
[grunting]
MM-HM, MM-HM.
I HAVE NO IDEA.
THERE YOU HAVE IT, A CLASSIC STORY
OF MAN VERSUS CURD.
IF YOU SEE ONE OF THESE NOBLE CREATURES IN THE WILD,
DO NOT STARTLE IT, OR YOU MAY BECOME THE NEXT VICTIM OF
THE MAGNIFICENT, RECORD-BREAKING CHEESE CURD OF DOOM!
THIS HAS BEEN GILL O'MALLEY REPORTING FOR GILL O'MALLEY
SAYING, "I'M GILL O'MALLEY."
>> CUT, CUT, CUT!
SIR, THAT WAS THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE, OVER THE TOP,
SCAREMONGERING REPORT I HAVE EVER SEEN.
>> SO YOU LIKED IT? >> I LOVED IT.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO ANCHOR THE EVENING NEWS
WHILE HILLY'S OUT?
WHAT? HILLY'S A NEWS GOD.
I COULDN'T POSSIBLY FILL IN FOR HIM.
>> THEN WE'LL HAVE TO CANCEL HIS SHOW.
>> I'LL DO IT.
CAN I BRING MY OWN CRACK NEWS TEAM?
>> ARE THEY LOUD, HARD-HITTING, AND IN YOUR FACE?
ARE YOU KIDDING? THEY'RE ANIMALS!
>> ACTION TEAM NEWS WITH GILL O'MALLEY,
MELANIE HAYSEED,
WEATHERMAN SONNY CAKEBAKER,
AND SOME OTHER PEOPLE.
AND NOW HERE'S GILL O'MALLEY.
>> HELLO, EVERYBODY, I'M GILL O'MALLEY,
AND HERE'S TONIGHT'S NEWS IN YOUR FACE.
TONIGHT'S TOP STORY: CROP OF SHAME.
LOCAL FARMER CLEM BITTLEBOMB BROUGHT HIS ENTIRE CROP
OF ARUGULA TO THE MARKET TODAY ONLY TO FIND OUT
THAT NO ONE LIKES ARUGULA!
TURNS OUT, IT'S BITTER AND POKES YOUR MOUTH.
WE'LL HAVE MORE ON THIS FAST-BREAKING STORY
&AS I MAKE IT UP.
>> MELANIE? >> THANKS, GILL.
FOLKS, AUTHORITIES ARE ON THE LOOKOUT
FOR A SUSPECTED COW TIPPER.
IF SPOTTED, APPROACH WITH EXTREME CAUTION.
THEN WHEN HE'S NOT LOOKING, TAKE HIM DOWN
WITH A FLYING HAMMER LOCK.
THEN GIVE HIM A BOMBAY MONKEY.
>> OOH, OW.
>> THEN A SPINNING SCISSOR KICK LIKE THIS.
HIYA!
[crash]
>> AND NOW LET'S GO TO SONNY CAKEBAKER
AT THE WEATHER DESK.
>> HI, FOLKS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WORK THE BIG WEATHER MAP,
SO I'M GONNA DO THE FIVE DAY FORECAST
ON MY BELLY.
TEMPERATURES WILL DROP
AS A COLD FRONT COMES DOWN FROM MY ARMPIT--
[giggles]
WHOO, THAT TICKLES.
AND THEN IT HITS A HIGH PRESSURE SYSTEM
JUST ABOVE MY BELLY BUTTON
AND SHAKES MY LOVE HANDLES AROUND LIKE THIS--
BOOM-BA-BOOM-BA-BOOM--
>> GILL O'MALLEY AGAIN REPORTING LIVE
AS WEATHERMAN SONNY CAKEBAKER DISGUSTS THE VIEWING AUDIENCE.
[gurgling]
>> UH-OH, I SENSE A WIND ADVISORY
MOVING DOWN FROM THE SOUTH.
>> REPULSIVE, YET INFORMATIVE.
BACK TO YOU, MELANIE.
>> NOW IT'S TIME
FOR EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER,
JACK SAUCY.
>> I'M JACK SAUCY WITH THIS SAUCY REPORT.
>> WHO'S BEEN SPOTTED AROUND TOWN
WITH POP SENSATION JESSICA ALLSPICE?
MY SAUCY SOURCES SAY IT'S EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE FUZZ BALL,
BIG FOOT.
>> [growls]
>> BIGFOOT LATER APOLOGIZED,
CITING STRESS AND THE FACT THAT HE'S AN APE MAN.
AND THAT'S YOUR SAUCY REPORT.
BACK TO YOU, GILL.
>> THIS JUST IN: INVESTIGATIVE NEWSMAN GILL O'MALLEY
WILL NOW CHECK ON OUR ROVING REPORTERS IN THE FIELD.
LET'S GO LIVE. LIVE, I SAY!
>> THANKS, GILL.
WE'RE COMING TO YOU
FROM AN ACTUAL FIELD WITH OUR REPORT.
>> IT MAY SEEM QUIET AND STILL IN THIS FIELD,
AND THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS.
>> YES, UH, NOTHING MUCH HAPPENING, REALLY,
BUT WHEN IT DOES, YOU CAN BET THAT WE'LL--
thump!
>> OW. >> BACK TO YOU, GILL.
>> WE'LL HAVE MORE ON THAT STORY AS THEIR BONES KNIT.
AND NOW THE ANGRY MINUTE WITH BESSY.
>> THANKS, MORON.
YOU EVER WATCH TV THAT'S SO BAD IT MAKES YOUR EARS BLEED?
MAYBE YOU'RE HAVING ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS RIGHT NOW.
FACE IT, THIS SHOW STINKS.
>> GILL O'MALLEY HERE WITH POINT-COUNTERPOINT.
THIS SHOW DOES NOT STINK.
>> DOES SO. >> DOES NOT.
>> DOES SO. >> YOU SMELL.
>> NO, YOU SMELL. >> I DO A LITTLE BIT.
BACK TO YOU, MELANIE.
>> WELL, THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE.
I'M MELANIE HAYSEED.
>> AND I'M, AS PREVIOUSLY STATED,
GILL "OH, WHY ARE YOU SO HUGGABLE" MALLEY.
both: STAY SASSY, FARMLAND.
>> HEY, I WAS SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT.
>> NO, THAT WAS MY LINE. >> I MADE IT UP.
>> NO, I MADE IT UP.
>> WHY DON'T YOU GO PUNCH SOMETHING?
>> AND WE'RE OUT.
>> WE ROCK. >> WHAT A BLAST.
>> WEIRD SHOW, EVERYONE.
AND THE BEST PART OF IT IS,
WE SAVED HILLY'S JOB.
>> CONGRATULATIONS.
THE PHONES ARE RINGING OFF THE HOOK.
YOU'RE A SMASH HIT.
HOLD ON. GOT TO TAKE THIS.
Y'ELLO.
>> HEY, DON, BREAKING NEWS.
>> UH-HUH, UH-HUH.
>> THE DOCTORS SAY MY BRAIN IS HEALING LIKE GANGBUSTERS.
I COULD BE BACK AT WORK TOMORROW.
>> YEAH, SORRY, HILLY, THERE'S A NEW NEWS TEAM IN TOWN.
YOU'RE THROUGH. >> BUT WHAT--HEY--WHY?
>> HILLY, WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR YEARS, BUT IT'S OVER.
HANG UP THE PHONE.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO THE NEWS
ON A PERMANENT BASIS?
>> PERMANENT? HA! BASIS? HA!
>> TEMPORARILY, OF COURSE.
>> WELL, WE CAN'T DO THAT.
I MEAN, HILLY'S A NEWS LEGEND.
>> I STILL AM A NEWS--
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, WHY AM I ON THE PHONE?
>> HANG UP THE PHONE. >> HILLY, GET OFF THE PHONE.
HANG IT UP, HILLY.
LOOK, IF YOU WON'T TAKE THE GIG,
THERE'S PLENTY OF WACKY NEWSMEN WHO WILL.
>> THIS JUST IN, I HAVE POOPY PANTS.
>> ALL RIGHT, WE'LL DO IT.
>> GREAT, NOW GO GET ME A STORY.
>> OTIS, WE CAN'T STEAL HILLY'S JOB.
>> YEAH, THAT'S NOT COOL, MAN. >> SHE'S GOT A POINT.
WE'RE NOT STEALING HIS JOB.
I HAVE A PLAN THAT'LL MAKE HILLY MORE POPULAR THAN EVER.
TO THE NEWS VAN!
[dramatic musical fanfare]
* *
>> [scatting wildly]
SKITTLE-A-BIG-BAG-A-BOODILY-DO.
HEY, A SHINY BUTTON.
THANKS, LADY.
>> LOOK, THERE HE IS.
>> POOR, HILLY, DANCING FOR TOURISTS' NICKELS
NEXT TO THE TOWN DAM.
>> WELL, THAT IS JUST THE WORST THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
ONE DAY, YOU'RE ON TOP OF THE NEWS WORLD.
THE NEXT DAY, YOU'RE HOPPING AROUND FOR NICKELS.
>> BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE WORSE THINGS YOU CAN DO FOR NICKELS.
[dramatic opera music]
* *
[sobbing]
>> FOCUS, PEOPLE.
IT'S TIME TO PUT OPERATION "MAKE HILLY A HERO"
INTO ACTION.
>> [scatting wildly]
>> READY ON CAMERA, PIG?
>> YOU BET. >> GOOD.
OKAY, ABBY, LET'S MAKE SOME NEWS.
>> * JUST AN AVERAGE LADY WALKING WITH A BIG PURSE *
* LA-LA-LA-LA-LA *
[motor revs]
[scooter skids]
>> GIVE ME THAT PURSE.
>> OH, PURSE SNATCHER. HELP, HELP!
>> PURSE SNATCHER?
I'LL SAVE YOU, LADY.
HOO-HA, HOO-HA.
HEY, MY PANTS FELL DOWN. ISN'T THAT WILD?
>> HE MUST HAVE TONED HIS BODY WITH ALL THAT DANCING.
>> HEY, ANYBODY GOT A BELT, MAYBE SOME ROPE?
>> STILL NEED HELP OVER HERE.
ANYBODY, PLEASE. WON'T SOMEBODY--
OH, FORGET IT.
>> WHOA.
AAAH!
[crash]
[rumbling and cracking]
[water hisses]
>> OTIS, THE DAM'S ABOUT TO BURST.
>> WE NEED TO GO IN THE AIR AND WARN THE TOWN.
>> YES, WE COULD GO ON,
OR WE COULD HAVE A REAL NEWSMAN DO IT.
>> ANYBODY KNOW A GOOD TAILOR?
>> HILLY, THE DAM'S GONNA BURST.
YOU NEED TO TELL THE PEOPLE.
>> THE DAM?
I CAN'T DO IT, YOUNG FELLA.
I'VE BEEN OUT OF THE GAME TOO LONG.
>> LISTEN TO ME, HILLY. >> I CAN'T DO IT.
>> LISTEN TO ME. >> OKAY.
>> YOU STILL GOT THE STUFF. >> THE STUFF.
>> YOU'RE NOT SOME PANTSLESS, NICKEL-DANCING LOSER.
>> NOT SO-SICKEL-DANCING LOSER, NO.
>> THE TUFTED COIF, THE GLASSY EYES,
THE LEATHERY SKIN.
>> THAT'S ME. >> YOU'RE A NEWSMAN.
>> YES.
GIVE ME THAT MIC. LET'S LIGHT THIS CANDLE.
MAKEUP GIRL, PANCAKE ME.
PIG GUY, POINT THAT CAMERA AT ME.
WE'RE LIVE IN FIVE, FIVE, NINE, SEVEN.
GOOD EVENING; HILLY BURFORD LIVE ON THE SCENE
WITH MINUTE ONE OF PANDEMONIUM.
THE TOWN DAM, ONCE CONSIDERED UN-BURSTABLE,
IS APPARENTLY EXTREMELY BURSTABLE,
PLACING US ALL IN TERRIBLE DANGER.
>> OTIS, WE BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.
>> NO, KEEP SHOOTING.
>> SWEET TUBE SOCKS, THIS THING'S GONNA BLOW.
FORTUNATELY, A GOOD REPORTER ALWAYS CARRIES
AN ECONOMY SIZE TUBE OF DAM SEALANT.
WHOO-HOO-HI.
COME ON, NOW, DON'T BURST ON ME.
LET DADDY FIX YOUR BOO-BOO.
WHOA.
HEY, CHECK ME OUT. I'M LIKE THAT SPIDER PERSON.
HERE YOU GO, DAM.
OH, YEAH.
THIS BABY IS SEALED.
[cheers and applause]
>> WE'RE SAVED. >> THREE CHEERS FOR HILLY.
AND NOW FOR TONIGHT'S WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS.
17,
18,
19,
20,
TWENTY--HEY, WOW, THESE ARE RIGHT IN A ROW, AREN'T THEY?
>> NOW, THAT'S A NEWSMAN.
YOU'RE ALL FIRED.
>> WORKS FOR US.
>> HILLY, HILLY, IT'S DON.
>> OH, HEY, DON.
>> HOW'D YOU LIKE YOUR OLD JOB BACK?
>> YOU MEAN IT?
SIBBITY-TA-TA, HIGH FIVE.
AAAH!
BUT THE MAYOR HAD NO COMMENT.
ON THE LIGHTER SIDE OF THE NEWS...
>> IT SURE IS NICE TO HAVE HILLY BACK.
>> IT JUST AIN'T THE NEWS WITHOUT HIM.
>> HEY, WIDE LOAD,
CAN WE PLEASE GET THIS STUPID CHEESE CURD OUT OF HERE?
>> OH, OKAY, I GOT IT.
[both grunting]
WELL, THAT SHOULD DO IT.
COME ON, GUYS. LET'S GO HOME.
>> AN ADORABLE PUPPY SAVED BY THE POWER OF LOVE.
[rumbling]
HEY, WHAT'S THAT RUMBLING?
THIS IS NOT GOOD.
crash!
AAAH!
WOW.
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