- I'M JUST HEADING TO THE FIELDS, DUKE.
I'LL BE BACK.
[sheep bleating]
- CLEAR!
[upbeat hoedown music]
- ALL RIGHT!
* *
- RAT-A-BAMBA!
- * FROM THE HAYSTACKS UP TO THE HILLTOPS *
* WE GO ON DANCING *
- WHOO-HOO! WHOA!
OW, OW! OKAY, OW.
OW!
- * DO SI DO YOUR PARTNER NOW *
* *
* PARTY TILL THE MORNING LIGHT *
* *
* DO SI DO AND DON'T YOU KNOW *
* IT'S JUST THE WAY WE ANIMALS ROLL *
[motor roaring]
- HA HA!
- ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS. SHOOT!
HA, YOU'RE IT, MR. WIGGLEPLIX.
HA HA!
HEY, YOU CAN'T CATCH ME.
YOU CAN'T CATCH ME.
AH, YOU GOT ME!
HEY, HEY, STOP TICKLING.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO! STOP TICKLING ME!
STOP TICKL--AH, HA HA!
- SO HOW LONG HAS PIG BEEN ACTING ALL:
"A-DOI, A-GEE, GAH!"
- NOT LONG. LIKE SIX, SEVEN WEEKS.
- OH, HO, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE NOW, MR. WIGGLEPLIX.
HEY, COME BACK HERE!
I'M GONNA GET YA. I'M GONNA GET YA!
- SWEET CUD!
OUR BIG, PINK SACK OF SUNSHINE HAS LOST HIS MIND.
- RELAX, OTIS.
IT'S NORMAL FOR PEOPLE TO HAVE IMAGINARY FRIENDS.
- IT IS?
- SURE; I USED TO HAVE AN IMAGINARY ROOSTER FRIEND
WITH A HIGH, SQUEAKY VOICE.
- HEY, GUYS. - AH, HE'S BACK!
- WELL, I GUESS IT'S OKAY
AS LONG HAS HE'S NOT BOTHERING ANYONE.
- OH, YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT PIG?
- [whispering] YOU REALIZE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU.
- OKAY, I'LL TAKE PIP. PIG, YOU'RE UP.
- THE ONLY ONE I NEED ON MY TEAM IS MR. WIGGLEPLIX.
- FOR GOSH SAKES. - I'M SO TIRED OF THAT.
- WHAT THE HECK'S A WIGGLEPLIX?
- MY NEW BEST FRIEND.
WE ARE GOING TO TAN YOUR HIDES.
HIGH FIVE!
- DUDE, YOU'RE RUINING THE GAME.
- YEAH, YOU CAN'T CHOOSE AN IMAGINARY PERSON
FOR DODGEBALL.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IMAGINARY?
HE'S STANDING RIGHT HERE.
- NO, HE'S NOT. WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?
THERE'S NO ONE THERE.
- HE'S RIGHT HERE.
- DUDE, STOP IT.
- PIG, IT'S NOT THE TIME.
- THERE'S NO ONE THERE.
- MR. WIGGLEPLIX IS TEARING US ALL APART!
- ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
LET ME HANDLE THIS.
UH, PIG.
WHY DON'T YOU AND MR. WIGGIEFACE GO SLIDE DOWN A MAGICAL RAINBOW?
- OH, WELL, WE WEREN'T GOING TO DO THAT TILL 3:00,
BUT WHY NOT BEAT THE CROWD?
COME ON, MR. WIGGLEPLIX.
* LA LA, LA LA, LA LA, LA LA, LA LA, LA LA, LA, HEE-HEE! *
- OKAY, I'M OFFICIALLY ANNOYED.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS?
IDEA ME.
- OH, OH, OH, OH, ME! PICK ME!
- ANYONE. ANYONE AT ALL.
JUST SHOUT IT RIGHT OUT.
- YES, ME! RIGHT HERE!
- COME ON; DON'T BE SHY. SPEAK UP.
- OTIS!
- ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU BETTER NOT SUGGEST
TAKING HIM OUT WITH A SHOVEL.
- I PROMISE.
- ALL RIGHT, FREDDY. WHAT DO YOU GOT?
- LET'S TAKE HIM OUT WITH A RAKE.
WHAT?
- THAT WAS A WASTE.
- MAYBE THIS BOOK I'M READING'LL HELP.
- SO WE HIT HIM WITH THE BOOK?
- IT'S CALLED WHAT TO DO
WHEN YOUR FRIEND HAS AN IMAGINARY FRIEND
HE THINKS IS REAL BUT YOU KNOW IS NOT.
- UH, HOW IS THAT APPLICABLE?
- WELL, THE BOOK SAYS THAT IF YOU HUMOR SOMEONE
ABOUT THEIR IMAGINARY FRIEND, THEY'LL JUST GROW OUT OF IT.
- THEN HOW COME YOU GUYS DIDN'T HUMOR ME
WHEN I THOUGHT I HAD A SECOND HEAD GROWING OUT OF MY NECK?
- 'CAUSE IT SAYS NOT TO IN WHAT TO DO
WHEN YOUR FRIEND THINKS
HE HAS A SECOND HEAD GROWING OUT OF HIS NECK.
- ASKED AND ANSWERED.
OKAY, GUYS, YOU KNOW THE PLAN.
WE TREAT MR. WIGGLEPLIX LIKE HE'S AS REAL AS ANY OF US.
- THAT LEAVES YOU OUT, ROOSTER BOY.
- ABBY, MAY I SEE THAT BOOK?
- HEY, THANKS FOR INVITING MR. WIGGLEPLIX
TO OUR SATURDAY NIGHT DINNER AND DANCE PARTY, OTIS.
- NO PROBLEM, PIG.
[loudly] HEY, MR. WIGGLEPLIX!
WE BELIEVE YOU EXIST!
IS THE SOUP TO YOUR LIKING?
- UH, OTIS?
HE'S BEEN IN THE BATHROOM FOR THE LAST FIVE MINUTES.
- OH, OF COURSE. SILLY ME.
I WAS JUST PRACTICING MY TALKING.
- DUDE, THAT IS SO AWKWARD.
- OH, LOOK, HERE HE COMES NOW. OVER HERE!
- AH, MR. WIGGLEPLIX.
ALLOW ME TO GET YOUR CHAIR.
- OH, OTIS, YOU PULLED THE CHAIR OUT
JUST AS HE WAS SITTING DOWN!
- I DID? BUT I--
- OTIS, HOW COULD YOU?
- WAY TO GO, OTIS.
- WHAT? BUT HE'S NOT EVEN--
- HERE YOU GO, BUDDY. HE DIDN'T MEAN IT.
HUH? [laughs]
YOU'RE RIGHT. DON'T TELL HIM THAT.
- HERE, MR. WIGGLEPLIX.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SOY LOAF?
- OTIS, NO! MR. WIGGLEPLIX HAS A SOY ALLERGY.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, MAKE HIM SICK?
- OTIS! - HOW COULD YOU?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - DUDE, YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE.
- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GUYS EAT.
I'LL GO SET UP FOR OUR DANCE PARTY.
- YES, PERHAPS THAT WOULD BE BEST.
- [imitating] "PERHAPS THAT WOULD BE BEST.
HEE HEE HEE, I'M PIG."
- SO, PIG, HOW LONG HAVE YOU AND MR. WIGGLEPLIX BEEN FRIENDS?
- OH, WELL, THAT'S KIND OF A LONG, INVOLVED STORY,
SO I'LL TELL IT.
WE WERE BOTH IN PARIS ON STUDENT VISAS.
THE JACARANDAS WERE JUST BEGINNING TO BLOOM.
- OTIS, I KNOW THIS IS HARD, BUT YOU'RE DOING A GOOD THING.
- WELL, HE IS MY FRIEND.
SO HOW MUCH LONGER DO YOU THINK BEFORE HE GROWS OUT OF IT?
- ACCORDING TO THE BOOK, FOUR TO SIX YEARS.
- WHA?
- AND WE BOTH REACHED FOR THE BLUEBERRY JUICE
AT THE SAME TIME!
[laughter]
[all gasp]
MR. WIGGLEPLIX, NOOOOO!
[Taps playing]
[Pig crying]
- FRIENDS, WE'RE GATHERED HERE TO REMEMBER MR. WIGGLEPLIX.
HE LIVED A RICH, FULL LIFE
UNTIL OTIS CRUSHED HIM WITH AN ANVIL.
- I DIDN'T! GRR!
- OTIS, SINCE YOU OFFED HIM,
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS.
- UM, YEAH, THOSE WORDS WOULD BE "NO."
- [sobbing]
- OTIS, YOU'VE GOT TO.
IT SAYS SO IN WHAT TO DO
AT YOUR FRIEND'S IMAGINARY FRIEND'S FUNERAL.
- OH, OKAY, FINE.
UH, MR. WIGGLEPLIX WAS TRANSPARENT.
I, FOR ONE, WILL NEVER FORGET HOW I WAS NEVER ABLE TO SEE
ANY TYPE OF PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION
OF THIS, UH, GIANT TOP-HATTED KOALA.
- HEDGEHOG! HE WAS A GIANT HEDGEHOG!
- WELL, DRAW BETTER.
- NICE, OTIS.
- YEAH, FIRST YOU OFF HIS FRIEND;
THEN YOU CALL HIM A FILTHY KOALA.
- OH, OKAY, FIRST I NEVER SAID, "FILTHY."
AND, SECOND, HE DOES NOT EXIST!
- POOR PIG.
HE'LL PROBABLY NEVER RECOVER FROM THIS HORRIBLE TRAUMA.
- OH, COME ON; THREE DAYS FROM NOW,
I'M SURE HE'LL BE BACK TO HIS OLD PIGGY SELF.
- [sobbing]
- WOW, HE IS STILL GOING.
- SURE IS. - HE CAN REALLY CRY. - THAT HAS GOT TO BE A RECORD.
- THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WE CAN DO TO FIX THIS.
- WELL, IN HOW TO HELP YOUR FRIEND
THROUGH THE MOURNING PROCESS
WHEN HIS IMAGINARY FRIEND GETS CRUSHED BY AN ANVIL,
IT SAYS THAT SOMEBODY SHOULD DRESS UP LIKE MR. WIGGLEPLIX
SO PIG CAN HAVE CLOSURE ON THE RELATIONSHIP.
- YEAH, WELL, GOOD LUCK FINDING SOMEONE WILLING
TO DRESS UP AS A GIANT HEDGEHOG WITH A STUPID HAT--
- IT SAYS YOU SHOULD DO IT.
- AHH! WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THESE BOOKS?
- OH, MR. WIGGLEPLIX.
I MISS YOU.
SOMETIMES I EVEN THINK I HEAR YOUR TINY BICYCLE.
[bicycle bell rings]
HUH?
[ringing continues]
[gasps] MR. WIGGLEPLIX!
YOU'RE ALIVE!
- [with Australian accent] SO I AM.
TURNS OUT YOUR FRIEND OTIS JUST KNOCKED THE WIND
OUT OF ME GULLET.
- HEY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR VOICE?
- MY VOICE? UM...
[in screechy voice] HOW'S THIS, THEN?
- OOH, NOW IT'S TOO SQUEAKY.
- [in high-pitched voice] BETTER?
- YOU'RE NOT A GIRL.
- [in nasal voice] HOW ABOUT THIS ONE, SEE?
- UGH!
- [with lisp] HOW ABOUT NOW?
- THAT'S THE ONE!
GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK, BUDDY.
OH, GIVE ME A HUG!
I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.
HEY, LET'S SING THE BEST FRIENDS SONG WE WROTE.
- THAT OLD CHESTNUT?
- * OH, YOU'RE MY BESTEST BUDDY *
* THE GREATEST IN THE LAND *
* I'M STUCK TO YOU LIKE PUTTY *
- * STUCK, PUTTY! *
- * YOU'RE ALMOST LIKE A BROTHER *
* OUR FUN WILL NEVER END *
* YOU'RE MY BUD, MY CHUM, MY NUMBER ONE *
* MY VERY BESTEST FRIEND *
SECOND VERSE!
- NO, NO, NO. THAT'S OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: STOP SINGING!
- OKAY; HEY, LET'S DO ALL THE FUN FRIENDSHIP STUFF WE MISSED
WHILE YOU WEREN'T ALIVE.
- OH, THAT SOUNDS EXHAUSTING.
WELL, LET'S GET TO IT.
- * SUNSHINY DAY *
* THE BIRDS ARE A-TWEETING *
* SO LET'S GET SMILING *
* I'M HEADING OUT *
* MY BEST FRIEND, I'LL BE MEETING *
* AND WE'LL BE SMILING *
* LIFE'S A BOWL OF CHERRIES WHEN WE CAN PLAY TOGETHER *
* A HAPPY LITTLE RAINBOW HANGING OVER OUR HEADS *
* LA LA LA LA... *
- OH, MR. WIGGLEPLIX, THIS HAS BEEN THE BEST DAY EVER.
LET'S DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW.
- UH, I HAVE TO CHECK MY CALENDAR--
- AND THE DAY AFTER THAT AND THE DAY AFTER THAT
TIMES INFINITY!
- WHOA, WHOA! TAKE IT EASY.
UH, ACTUALLY, PIG,
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I, UM...
I HAVE TO GO FAR, FAR AWAY.
- GO AWAY? WHERE?
- TO A MAGICAL LAND OF...
MAGICALNESS.
- GREAT! I'LL GO WITH YOU.
- WHA?
- I'LL GO PACK.
AW, MR. WIGGLEPLIX,
WE'RE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER.
- OH, POOP.
- OTIS, WHY DID YOU TELL PIG YOU'RE LEAVING?
- I DON'T KNOW. I COULDN'T TAKE ANY MORE. I PANICKED.
ABBY, WHAT DOES THE BOOK SAY?
- THERE IS NO BOOK FOR THIS.
- NO!
- BUT THERE'S A MAGAZINE ARTICLE.
IT'S CALLED WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR PLAN TO DRESS UP
LIKE YOU FRIEND'S IMAGINARY FRIEND GOES AWRY.
IT SAYS YOU HAVE TO DELIVER ON ALL YOUR PROMISES,
OR HE'LL BE EMOTIONALLY SCARRED FOREVER.
- YOU MEAN I HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE
IN A MAGICAL LAND WITH PIG?
- WE'LL MISS YOU. - TAKE CARE, BIG GUY. - YOU'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING.
- I PACK LIGHT.
MOST MAGICAL LANDS ARE CLOTHING-OPTIONAL.
- THAT'S IT. NO, I'M DONE.
I'M FINISHED. I CAN'T DO THIS.
- MR. WIGGLEPLIX, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- PIG, I AM NOT MR. WIGGLEPLIX.
I'M OTIS. THERE IS NO MR. WIGGLE--
OH, THAT WAS WEIRD.
AH, THIS IS ALSO WEIRD!
WHOA! AH!
OH!
- OKAY, THIS IS PRETTY MESSED UP RIGHT HERE.
- MR. WIGGLEPLIX, NO!
- WHAT'S HAPPENING?
- [coughing]
all: MR. WIGGLEPLIX?
- MR. WIGGLEPLIX, LET GO OF HIM. PLEASE!
- [with lisp] BUT, PIG,
THIS SAUCY COW WAS IMPERSONATING ME.
- WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE REAL?
- OF COURSE HE'S REAL.
HE CAN ONLY BE SEEN AND HEARD BY THOSE WHO TRULY BELIEVE.
OR WHEN FLOUR IS POURED ON HIM.
- ALL I KNOW IS, WE WERE HAVING A LOVELY DINNER,
AND THEN, HOOPITY POOPITY,
I'M WAKING UP IN A SHALLOW GRAVE.
- WHOOPSIE. - POOR GUY. - COULDN'T FIND A PULSE.
- FORTUNATELY, I WAS ABLE TO CLAW MY WAY TO THE SURFACE,
AND HERE I AM.
- PIG, I'M SORRY I DIDN'T BELIEVE YOU.
CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?
- OF COURSE I CAN'T.
BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS, MR. WIGGLEPLIX IS ALIVE
AND WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOREVER.
- THE THING ABOUT THAT IS, PIG, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU.
MY COMPANY'S TRANSFERRING ME TO ST. LOUIS.
- ST. LOUIS? IS THERE MAGIC THERE?
- I'M AFRAID NOT.
- THEN YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
GOOD LUCK, MY FRIEND.
- AND TO YOU.
WELL, I'D BETTER BE OFF.
I'VE GOT A LONG INVISIBLE BIKE RIDE AHEAD OF ME.
TOOTLE-LEE-LOO.
- OKAY, TAKE CARE!
- SORRY YOU GOT BURIED ALIVE!
- GOOD-BYE, MR. WIGGLEPLIX!
- DON'T FORGET TO WRITE. - I LOVE YOU.
- YOU OKAY, PIG?
- GUESS YOU'RE GONNA MISS HIM, HUH?
- WELL, YOU KNOW, TIME HEALS ALL...WHATEVER.
SO WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
- HA HA!
WELL, LOOKS LIKE EVERYTHING'S BACK TO NORMAL.
- IT SURE IS.
RIGHT, SKIPPY THE MAGICAL PORPOISE?
- OH, RIGHT.
[all laughing]
- OH, YEAH. - GOOD.
[chiming]
- I LIKE YOUR FRIENDS, FREDDY.
- YOU SEE THEM TOO?
OH, WHAT A RELIEF!
[both laughing]
- AND THAT'S WHY WE NEED INFRASTRUCTURE OUTLAYS
TO KEEP OUR FISCAL HOUSE IN ORDER.
- INTERESTING. BIGFOOT?
- [roars]
- NO, BIGFOOT, NO!
[people screaming]
- HA HA, I LOVE CURRENT EVENTS.
- I LOVE SCALP MASSAGE.
- NO ONE CARES.
- WE INTERRUPT MEET PRESS AND SMASH WITH BIGFOOT
FOR THIS BREAKING NEWS.
- HILLY BURFORD HERE WITH A FAST-BREAKING STORY.
FOUR CROOKS WEARING ANIMAL MASKS
HAVE JUST ROBBED THE TOWN JEWELRY STORE.
MARTY, LET'S ROLL THAT FOOTAGE.
OKAY, I'LL ROLL IT NOW.
LET'S SEE; THERE'S A COW, A CUTE LITTLE PIGGY, A DUCK,
AND A SORT OF MARMOSET-LOOKING GUY.
WOW, THAT'S SOME WILD STUFF. IT'S LIKE A ZOO.
- SWEET CUD! - I KNOW.
THOSE GUYS ARE INCREDIBLY HANDSOME.
- THE SUSPECTS WERE LAST SEEN HEADED DOWN ROUTE ONE,
WITH OFFICER FRED IN PURSUIT.
- OTIS, THOSE CROOKS ARE GONNA HEAD RIGHT PAST THE BARNYARD!
- IT'S OUR DUTY AS GOOD CITIZENS TO STOP 'EM.
LET'S GO HEAD THEM OFF.
[all agreeing]
- AND THIS WOULD BE THE TIME TO DO THAT.
- OH, YOU MEAN NOW. - LET'S DO IT. - OH, YOU MEAN NOW.
[siren wailing]
- YEAH, GERTIE, I'M IN PURSUIT OF THE SUSPECTS.
I'M ACTUALLY DRIVING PRETTY FAST.
GETTING A LITTLE CARSICK.
- I THINK HE'S GETTING CARSICK.
HANG ON.
- FREDDY, PECK, BLOW UP THIS SECTION OF THE ROAD.
PIG, ABBY, LAY DOWN THAT BARBED WIRE.
PIP, YOU SHOUT "CAR" WHEN YOU SPOT THE CROOKS.
- CAR! - YES, THAT'S GOOD.
ONLY WITH MORE URGENCY.
- CAR! - GOOD.
NOW, I REALLY FELT LIKE YOU MEANT THAT ONE.
LIKE, I BELIEVED--- OH, CAR!
[all screaming]
- GRAB THE JEWELS, AND LET'S GO.
- YOU CAN'T GET AWAY THAT EASILY.
- ACTUALLY, THEY ARE GETTING AWAY.
- YEAH, BUT NOT EASILY.
IT'S REALLY HARD TO STEER THOSE THINGS.
THERE'S A LOT OF UPPER-BODY STRENGTH INVOLVED.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE WIND IS LIKE--
- OTIS, THEY DROPPED SOME OF THE LOOT.
- CHECK OUT THEIR LICENSE PLATE.
"I LOVE CRIME."
- I LOVE SHINY THINGS.
- AGAIN, NOBODY CARES.
- GOOD WORK, GUYS.
OUR MEN IN BLUE WILL BE PRETTY IMPRESSED
WHEN THEY SEE THE AMAZING JOB WE DID HERE.
- FREEZE, DIRTBAGS!
- WOW, YOU REALLY MISSED THAT CALL.
- NOBODY MOVE!
I GOT A TASER, AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
SEE, WHAT YOU DO IS, YOU MAKE SURE THE BATTERY'S CHARGED,
AND THEN YOU JUST PUSH
THIS LITTLE GREEN BUTTON RIGHT HERE, AND THEN--
OH, BOY, THAT'S-- YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL, MAN.
- OH, HEY, OFFICER.
FUNNY STORY. YOU ARE GONNA LOVE THIS.
[laughs] WE'RE NOT REALLY THE CROOKS.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
I SUPPOSE YOU'RE ACTUAL TALKING BARNYARD ANIMALS.
BOY, YOU GUYS REALLY WENT ALL OUT WITH THE ANIMAL COSTUMES.
WHAT'S THIS, GLUED ON?
YOU GUYS ARE LOOKING AT HARD TIME,
AND BY THAT, I MEAN PRISON, THE HOOSEGOW,
HOTEL GRAYBAR, JAILYTOWN.
I MADE THAT LAST ONE UP. - I LIKE IT.
- UH, CAN YOU GIVE US A MOMENT?
- YEAH, SURE. NO PROBLEM.
* DOO DOO, DOO-DOO DOO DOO *
- OTIS, WHAT DO WE DO?
HE'S GOING TO THROW THE BOOK AT US.
- SEE, I'M NOT WORRIED.
LET'S JUST DO WHAT HE SAYS, AND I'M SURE
THIS WHOLE COMICAL MISTAKE WILL BLOW OVER IN NO TIME.
- AND BY "NO TIME," YOU MEAN 20 TO 30 YEARS?
- EXACTLY.
- LOOK AT US, CHAINED TOGETHER LIKE COMMON CRIMINALS.
THIS IS TERRIBLE!
- I KNOW. I NEED PRIVACY WHEN I MAKE NUMBER THREE.
- NUMBER THREE? WHAT IN THE WORLD IS--
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
- GUYS, WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE
SO WE CAN FIND THE REAL CROOKS.
LET'S MAKE A RUN FOR THE FENCE. GO!
I SHOULD HAVE ORGANIZED THAT BETTER.
- MORNING, EVERYONE.
I'M YOUR ARRESTING OFFICER,
AND DUE TO BUDGET CONSTRAINTS, I'M ALSO YOUR WARDEN.
YOU MAY ADDRESS ME AS "FRED."
all: HI, FRED.
- AND THIS IS SEYMOUR, AN UNPAID INTERN.
HE HELPS OUT WITH THE GUARDING.
- HEY, GUYS. [electricity crackling]
- NOW, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'LL BE RUNNING THINGS
IN STRICT ACCORDANCE WITH THE PRISON HANDBOOK.
- LOOK, FRED, THIS IS CRAZY.
DON'T WE EVEN GET A TRIAL?
- THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
LET ME JUST CHECK THE BOOK HERE.
UH, OKAY, BOOK SAYS...
"SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE, INMATE! YOU'RE MINE NOW!"
WOW, THAT SEEMS KIND OF HARSH.
ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?
- UH, YES. WHEN'S STORY TIME?
- OKAY, NO MORE QUESTIONS.
- OTIS, THIS IS HORRIBLE.
- YEAH, HOW LONG
DO WE HAVE TO KEEP BREAKING BIG ROCKS INTO TINY ROCKS
AND THEN GLUING THEM BACK TOGETHER INTO BIG ROCKS?
- PIG, THAT CHAIN REALLY DOESN'T FIT YOU.
YOU COULD JUST GO HOME.
- NAH, I KIND OF WANT TO SEE HOW THIS TURNS OUT.
- GUYS, I PROMISE WE WILL GET OUT OF HERE,
OR MY NAME ISN'T INMATE NUMBER 7549QX5.
IN THE MEANTIME, WE GOT TO STAY STRONG.
WE HAVE TO SURVIVE!
- I KNOW; LET'S SING AN OLD-FASHIONED WORK SONG
TO LIFT OUR SPIRITS.
- GREAT IDEA. HEY, OTIS, LEAD US OFF.
- WELL, I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, BUT I'LL GIVE IT A TRY.
[to tune of There's No Business Like Show Business]
* THERE'S NO SMASHIN' LIKE ROCK SMASHIN' *
* WHEN YOU'RE THROWN INTO JAIL *
- * THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO SPEND YOUR YARD TIME *
- * I JUST THINK IT'S NICE TO HAVE A GOAL *
- * NEVER THOUGHT THAT I'D BE DOING HARD TIME *
all: * BUT NOW WE'RE LIVING IN THE HOLE *
- * JUST LOOK AT IT LIKE WE DO *
* AND THIS PLACE ISN'T SO BAD *
- * JAIL IS AWESOME IF YOU WANT TO LEARN A CRIME *
- * THE STRIPES ARE SLIMMING *
- * THE FOOD'S SUBLIME *
- * TODAY I WORKED 12 HOURS, AND I MADE A DIME *
all: * ONE-MILLIONTH OF OUR BAIL *
* IT'S FUN BEING IN JAIL *
* *
[whistle blows]
- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH.
LOOKS TO ME LIKE WE GOT OURSELVES
A LOT OF SINGING AND DANCING AND NOT ENOUGH ROCK CRACKING.
SO ACCORDING TO THE MANUAL,
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE YOU THE BOX.
- OH, YOU MEAN A GIFT?
OH, I HOPE IT'S A PONY.
- YEAH, IT'S DEFINITELY NOT A PONY.
[all arguing]
- THERE'S GOT TO BE MORE ROOM.
- OTIS, WE GOT TO BUST OUT OF THIS PRISON.
- I KNOW, BUT THESE THINGS TAKE PLANNING.
WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR JUST THE RIGHT TIME.
- I'M GONNA GO NUMBER THREE.
- OKAY, IT'S THE RIGHT TIME.
HERE'S THE PLAN.
[whispering] PRISON WHISPER, PRISON WHISPER, PRISON WHISPER.
- I RECKON A NIGHT IN THE BOX MUST HAVE BROKEN THEIR SPIRITS.
all: * FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD WARDEN *
* WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY *
[cheering]
- OH, GOSH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
I'M OKAY.
- THERE, THERE, TIGER.
JUST OUR WAY OF SAYING THANKS
FOR THE CHAINS AND BACK-BREAKING LABOR.
NOW, CLOSE YOUR EYES, COUNT TO 7,000,
AND WE'LL GIVE YOU YOUR PRESENT.
- YOU KNOW, FOR A BUNCH OF THIEVING LOWLIFES,
YOU GUYS ARE ALL RIGHT.
ONE, TWO...
- UH, ARE YOU SURE THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA?
- CLOSE YOUR EYES, SEYMOUR.
THREE...
- [together] FOUR, FIVE, SIX...
- GOOD WORK, GUYS.
NOW WE CAN FIND THE REAL CROOKS AND CLEAR OUR NAMES.
- HOW WE GONNA DO THAT? - PIECE OF CAKE.
ALL WE GOT TO DO IS FIND A COMPUTER
AND TRACE THE OWNER OF THAT "I LOVE CRIME" LICENSE PLATE.
THIS WAY!
[all arguing]
- GET OFF OF ME!
- [together] 6,999...
7,000!
- SWEET ONIONS, THEY'RE GONE!
THIS IS GONNA LOOK BAD ON YOUR REPORT.
- [grunting]
UH, GUYS, A LITTLE FOOT ACTION, PLEASE?
- ONE SEC, OTIS.
GIN!
[percussive music]
[dogs howling and barking]
- OH, NO, HE'S GOT HOUND DOGS!
- SOUNDS LIKE SEVEN OF THEM, MAYBE EIGHT.
POSSIBLY NINE.
NO, WAIT, IT'S TEN.
COULD BE 11.
12 IS A NUMBER.
[dogs howling]
- [sniffing]
OH, DO I REALLY HAVE TO DO THIS?
- YOU WANT THOSE COLLEGE CREDITS, NOW, DON'T YOU?
KEEP SNIFFING!
- HEY, IT'S MRS. BEADY'S HOUSE.
- I KNOW. SHE HAS A COMPUTER.
- OTIS, SHE'LL NEVER LET US IN HER HOUSE.
- OR WILL SHE?
[doorbell rings]
[in high-pitched voice] MEGAMAIDS!
- WHAT? I DON'T NEED MEGAMAIDS.
MY HOUSE IS IMPECCABLE.
- IS THAT DUST?
- [gasps] WHERE?
- [coughs]
ACHOO!
- DON'T WORRY; WE'RE ON THE CASE.
- WE'RE MAIDS. - WE LIVE TO CLEAN. - CLEANY, CLEANY!
[glass shattering]
- OH! OH, MY.
THERE'S SO MANY OF YOU.
AND YOU'RE ALL CHAINED TOGETHER.
- YES, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:
CHAIN THE MAIDS, SHACKLE THE BUTLER.
[laughs]
- THEY DO? - STOP TALKING.
- OTIS, THERE'S THE COMPUTER.
- LOG ON. WE'LL CLEAN AROUND YOU.
OH, MY, THIS COMPUTER AREA IS DISGUSTINGLY FILTHY.
YOU ARE A VERY DIRTY WOMAN.
- OTIS, LOOK. A MATCH FOR "I LOVE CRIME."
AND HERE'S AN ADDRESS.
- GOOD WORK-- [clears throat] GOOD WORK, ABBY.
NOW CHECK MY FANTASY BASEBALL ACCOUNT.
[dogs howling and barking]
- IT'S WARDEN FRED. HE FOUND US.
- OUT THE BACK! FAST!
THERE, ALL CLEAN.
FIRST VISIT'S FREE. TA-TA!
- WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
CAN YOU COME BACK THURSDAY?
[doorbell rings]
[knocking at door]
- THERE'S NO EASY WAY TO SAY THIS, MA'AM.
CAN MY INTERN SMELL YOU?
- THERE IT IS, GUYS: THE JEWEL THIEVES' HIDEOUT.
IT'S GOING TO BE A FIERCE BATTLE.
PECK MAY NOT SURVIVE.
- WHAT?
- BUT WE'VE GOT TO RISK IT. CHARGE!
[all yelling]
[all groaning]
[light jazz music playing]
- HELLO.
- UH, OTIS?
I THINK THIS IS A RETIREMENT HOME.
- OH, NO, WE GOT THE ADDRESS WRONG.
- NOW WHAT DO WE DO?
- IS THERE TIME FOR A QUICK GAME OF BINGO?
- OH, GOOD IDEA. - SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. - I'M IN. B6.
- HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ALL GOING BACK TO THE SLAMMER
TO DO A HARD NICKLE ON PERP ALLEY.
- UH, I'M NOT FOLLOWING.
- YOU'RE GOING BACK TO JAIL.
- AH, OKEY DOKE.
- SONNY?
- AUNT SUKI?
- IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU CAME TO VISIT.
- I KNOW. I'M SORRY.
I'M PULLING A LOT OF EXTRA SHIFTS.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
[cash register dings]
- WELL, I'M JUST GLAD THAT--
- THINK FAST, OLDIE!
[all gasp]
- [snores]
- AHA!
I THOUGHT WRINKLES HERE WAS WEARING
A LITTLE TOO MUCH JEWELRY.
HERE'S YOUR THIEF, WARDEN.
- AND HERE'S HER ACCOMPLICES.
- BUT WHY, AUNT SUKI?
- I THINK I CAN ANSWER THAT.
IT'S BECAUSE SHE MISSED YOU.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, FACEBAGS?
- IT WAS THE ONLY WAY TO GET YOU HERE, SWEETIE.
- AW, I'M SORRY, AUNT SUKI.
WE'LL NEVER BE APART AGAIN.
TAKE 'EM AWAY, SEYMOUR.
AND GIVE AUNT SUKI CELL NUMBER FIVE;
THAT'S GOT THE VIEW.
- OH, NO, IT'S MY THIRD STRIKE.
- THANKS, NUMBER 7549QX5.
YOU'VE BROUGHT ME AND MY OLD AUNTIE TOGETHER AGAIN.
- YEAH, THAT'S GREAT. VERY HAPPY FOR YOU.
UH, NOW, YOU GOT THE KEYS TO THOSE CHAINS?
- SORRY, BUDGET CUTS. NO KEYS.
ANYWAY, LOVE YOU GUYS. LATER.
- NO KEYS?
OTIS, WE CAN'T STAY SHACKLED LIKE THIS.
- DON'T WORRY, ABBY.
WE JUST HAVE TO STAY STRONG.
WE WILL SURVIVE...AGAIN!
- I STILL HAVE TO GO NUMBER THREE.
- THAT'S STILL DISTURBING!
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