Whoo!
- Hey, beautiful. - Are you talking to me?
No, I'm talking to your friend Jon Lovitz here.
Fuck, yes, I'm talking to you. What's happening?
Asshole.
Oh, come on, don't call me an asshole. They sell sunscreen to everybody.
I got a question for you. And that is, why am I so damn hot in here?
Yeah, what you know about money, girl?
What you know about money, girl?
- We should go. - Yeah. Yeah.
Let me just break it down for you. Before you make yourselves look stupider.
I'm a closing pitcher for Texas, girl.
And I close in more ways than just on the mound.
Well, that's good news, because I don't date athletes.
Oh! Not yet you don't. Right? First time for everything, huh?
Go on. Go, go.
Hey, hey, slow down. Wait up. Look, hey.
I'm drunk, okay, and Fm, uh...
I was acting like a jerk, and that's-- That's not me. I mean--
I mean, it is me, I'm a baseball player, but I'm not a dumb jock, and I...
Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that stuff.
I was, I was really nervous, and...
It's because...
...I like you.
Okay?
Oh, my God! Shit!
Oh, shit, no, no.
- Somebody call an ambulance! - What are we gonna do?
We got playoffs, B. Playoffs!
I'm fine.
Hey, you. It's kind of quiet without little dude here, huh?
It's fucking awesome. Finally shit's back to normal.
I'm once again a single, thick-dick, swinging bachelor...
...no dumb baggage to fucking carry me down.
Thank you, Christ, for allowing all this awesome stuff to happen.
Kenny, I was thinking, If you want, Maria and I could do some redecorating.
Maybe swap out some of these hot babes for some new hot babes.
So when Toby comes back to visit...
...he's got some new shit to get baby hard to.
I wouldn't hold your breath on that. The kid's gone.
The sooner we accept that, the better we'll be.
As soon as we get this changed back into my dojo...
- ...I can get my shit fucking ripped again. - Okay. Aye, aye, captain.
What the fuck is that?
Fuck.
Holy shit. It's Spurgen, the hermit crab.
He lives in a fucking bowl? He must be getting high as fuck.
Now I gotta figure out what to do with this dumb thing.
If I were you, I would smash the fuck out of that crab with a hammer.
- No. - No, this is Toby's favorite pet.
He probably misses him. Maria, feed this fucking crab.
Okay.
- Love you! - Love you too.
Seems like you guys are happy again.
Mm-hm. This is awesome.
Awesome.
Peekaboo. Just kidding. Psych your mind, it's me.
You wanted to see me?
What do you want to do?
Offer your franchise star player a blow job/hand job...
"for saving your stinky ass?
Star player.
That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.
You are no longer the star player of the Mermen.
What the fuck are you talking about? After I just saved your asses at the game?
You don't even play for the team anymore.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Because you're playing for Texas.
I'm what?
You're getting called up, Kenny.
You gotta be shitting me.
I mean, finally, motherfuckers. I knew this was gonna happen.
I just can't believe it took these dudes this long to figure it out. Christ.
Their closer got hit by a truck.
Now that Ivan fucking sucks, I'm the logical choice.
I've been wanting to kick your old, Worthless ass...
muff my team for such a hang time.
Well, I look forward to never seeing your wrinkly fucking face again either.
Fuck you, you fat fucking honky.
And fuck you too, you black dick-licker.
- You shits licker! - Fuck you!
Oh, fuck you and your mama too!
- I hope you get AIDS. - Bye-bye, motherfucker!
These vessels follow the same course as your harmonious arteries.
But they return the blood--
Everybody be cool, this isn't a school shooting!
It's something far more fantastic.
- Sir? - Sir, yourself. Where's Andrea?
You can't keep storming into my classrooms.
- We're broken up. - What? No, no, no.
That breakup wasn't real.
Sure, you betrayed me and my party...
...but that breakup was spoken In anger.
And I'm sorry for that. It didn't count.
- It didn't? - No.
This is the breakup that counts.
You're an asshole.
Easy, let's not get bitter, okay?
I know a lot of you guys are looking at me and saying:
"Hey, there's a dude who is exactly my same age."
Well, truth be told. I'm a grown-up, real person.
Sure your bodies might be tight.
You might like to have sex in amazing, cool, intricate positions.
But besides that shit, y'all don't have a fucking clue.
The shit y'all are doing, the fucking Facebook shit...
...the Internets, the fucking DVDS.
That's all bullshit. Your shit isn't real.
But from where I'm standing...
...a full-grown man who has achieved his dreams.
Yeah, that's right. I'm going back to the majors.
My shit is about as real as it gets.
And besides, I can out-party, out-drink, and out-fuck each of you.
Youth can suck my dick.
So unless you have anything to add, then consider this relationship over.
Have a nice life. I'll never forget you.
And I know you won't forget me.
Because I popped that cherry.
That's right, I tore it out for all you young guys.
Saying goodbye to you is gonna hurt.
I ripped up a lot of awesome waves on this boogie board.
Basically owned this goddamn beach.
Adios, friend.
We had a good time here in Myrtle.
But now it is time to say goodbye to your glorious shores.
So crazy that this is the end.
It's not a bad thing, though, Stevie. Don't be sad and fucking melancholy.
Maria, you must be happy though, huh?
Texas has a fucking weather climate very similar to Mexico...
...except it doesn't stink like fucking buttholes and donkeys. Ha, ha, ha!
Don't think I just didn't catch that fucking non-verbal loaded exchange, there.
Permission to speak freely, Kenny?
Permission granted.
You know how you always say we're like astronauts, or lead guitarists...
wand we're not cut out for family?
I said that about myself, but continue.
Okay, well, I'm just starting to think, like...
...maybe I am one of those pussies that does like family.
What the hell are you saying, Stevie?
Kenny, Maria is pregnant.
How can you tell, man? I mean, she always looks like she's pregnant.
She pissed on one of those sticks. I held it under her pussy myself.
It's legit, man.
Well, what the fuck? We're gonna have to go...
...and investigate options. An abortion clinic.
The last thing we need in Texas is another goddamn baby dragging us down.
Did you not learn anything from our time with Toby?
Kenny, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
We're not going to Texas with you. We're gonna stay here...
...and we're gonna build a life together, Tn Myrtle.
Have you thought this through? You're willing to forgo...
...all the status that will come with being my associate?
Give up your possible fucking co-starring role in the reality series Tm developing?
Yes.
What? You're" You're thinking about it?
I've thought about it. Kenny, we're staying Tn Myrtle.
Well, I suppose if you're gonna do that, you're gonna need this.
What is this?
It's the keys to the Panty Dropper.
If you're gonna stay in Myrtle and become a man...
...then you're sure as hell gonna need a man's water-recreational vehicle.
- I don't know what to say. - I do.
Steven Bernard Janowski...
...you are hereby relieved of your duties as my assistant.
You have served me well, hombre.
And I give you the right to name your child after me.
Regardless of gender.
- For real? - For reals, dog.
Come here, you two. Come here. Come here.
It's a special moment, guys.
Kenny. I wasn't expecting to see you again.
Yeah, well, surprise, surprise.
How's it feel to have your mind blown?
I'm moving to Texas. Got called up to the majors...
...so gonna go live a life of being much richer and famouser.
So you really got called up?
Yup. I put in the hard work, and did all the shit...
...and I beat this Russian. And I earned my spot.
Congratulations.
I just stopped by actually...
"because I found something that I think Toby's probably gonna want.
A marijuana pipe?
Well, technically I use this pipe to smoke DMT.
But now it's the home to Spurgen.
His hermit crab. It's a pet.
Is it cool If I enter your domicile to return to him his property?
Come on in.
Hey, what's up, you little jerk?
I got something for you. It's Spurgen.
It's your pet hermit crab. You remember him?
I also wanted to have a man-to-man talk with you...
...if that was cool.
Due to some recent events...
...I don't think I'm gonna be able to be around you, as"
As much as I have been in the past few weeks.
I've got an incredible job opportunity...
...that is going to force me to relocate to a much drier, more arid climate.
But I hope that you know that, while Fm gone...
...all the wealth that I will acquire...
...all the fame and fortunes...
...and all the women that I will bed...
...I will be doing all that stuff...
...so that you'll be proud of me.
So that you can be proud of your dad.
Kenny.
Just wanna thank you for coming by.
When you left me...
...when we were gonna go to Tampa, it hurt a lot.
And I know when I left you, it hurt you too.
And I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I didn't just come back for Toby.
I mean, I did...
...but I also came back for you too.
Well, your timing kind of sucks. I'm getting ready to move to Texas and shit.
Right.
Not gonna really... Not gonna be around.
I'm gonna go.
See you, Toby.
Adiós, April.
How you doing, Kenny?
Yeah, Fm doing good.
Well, there's no time for a pep talk.
I would like to take a knee here with you and say a prayer.
Will you pray with me?
- To Jesus? - Yes, sir.
Okay, yeah.
Dear Jesus, we come to you with gratitude...
...on this evening, with thanks for shepherding this man...
...Kenny Powers, to a personal victory.
The fact that we sit here now with you, Lord, in this clubhouse...
...is proof that Kenneth Powers has successfully...
...sucked his dream's dick, Lord.
Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you, Jesus, for that.
Kenny sucked, Kenny stroked.
Kenny learned how to breathe through his nose while doing it.
Kenny found a free finger to touch ass along the way.
And that took commitment, Lord. But you and I...
...and Kenneth know that there is much more to come.
- The finish line, Jesus. - Hallelujah.
Give him strength of fist to stay among the stroke.
That you relax his throat...
...to embrace this bulging opportunity.
- Give me strength, fucking Jesus. - Give him his strength, Lord Jesus.
Endless strength, fucking Jesus.
He's gonna bring a fortified ejaculation. Tonight, for the first time...
...in his own public demonstration in front of you and the world, Jesus.
Super chill, Jesus Christ.
It's cum time.
And it's up to you, Kenny.
Spit...
...or swallow?
You know the answer.
- Thank you, Jesus. Amen. - Fuck, yeah, Jesus. Amen.
Take it down.
Kenny, Kenny, Kenny.
One's the fucking fastball, two's the curve ball.
You got it. Let's do it. Let's go.
That was the moment I realized I achieved...
...everything I worked so hard for.
Despite the countless obstacles and adversities I faced along the way.
It was that exact moment, when I looked into that batter's eyes...
...and I saw stone-cold, childlike fear.
For the first time in so many moons, I felt I was in total control.
I held my own destiny in my hands, as sure as I held that baseball.
My future, everything, comes down to one final pitch.
What the fuck? What the fuck, Kenny?
- Where the fuck you going? - Home, motherfucker.
I'm in a fucking Cameron Crowe movie! Whoo!
Holy shit. Holy shit!
Fuck me!
Ooh, they gonna be pissed.
One of baseball's greats, Kenny Powers, has perished in a horrific car accident.
A pitching phenomenon and a controversial figure...
The moments directly following a comeback...
...are hands-fucking-down the sweetest part.
When everybody you've ever known, the whole world, in fact...
...celebrates your success.
Everyone gets some.
The little people who acted as stepping stones on your path to success...
...they can brag to their children about how they aided you.
Even if it was only in some stupid, insignificant way.
Even the enemies you've made along the way...
...they have to begrudge the fact that you've shoved their jealousness...
...lack of faith and spite...
...right back in their fucking hater faces.
But I imagine it's probably sweetest for those that truly believed in you.
Those that stood by you through the good times...
...and the not-so-good times.
Standing by a champion is a feat unto itself.
I mean, it's not as much work as actually doing the comeback...
...but it still should count for something.
I hope this inspirational story helps give you inspiration...
...in your attempts to stop being a regular person...
...and to start being a champion instead.
Dreams and riches do come true for some people.
Take it from me, Kenny Powers. I'm out.
The end of the book.
I cannot find my phone. I think I left it in my purse.
Big Cannons.
What in the fuck?
I'm alive.
I... I can see that.
- The news said-- - I know what the news said.
I'm sorry. I would've been here sooner, but I had to get my truck back.
Kenny, what is going on? Your hair is bleached.
I know, it's to conceal me. Now, just calm down.
Hear what I have to say.
When I came back from Mexico, I made you a promise...
...that I would do whatever it takes to make this thing work.
And I failed you on that promise.
I was hypnotized by my vast fame and my immense power.
My incredible ego had gotten the better of me.
I used to think that the only way to live was by winning.
And now I realize that sometimes losing is cool too.
How do you mean?
Well, like, having a family.
I mean, not that having a family is losing.
I mean, it's winning, kind of, but you know what...?
The bottom line...
...I wanna be there for you, April. I wanna be there for Toby.
I wanna be there for our fucking family.
Kenny, everybody thinks you're dead.
I know. This was the only way.
The press would have never left us alone.
Really?
Mm-hm.
You couldn't have just stayed in the majors and me and Toby could've come with you?
Uh-uh.
Just-- No, I don't think that--
I don't think that would've worked.
I'm pretty sure this is the right choice for our family.
Come inside, you son of a bitch.