1
00:00:00,046 --> 00:00:01,819
♪♪
2
00:00:02,430 --> 00:00:04,221
Hey, can you do me a favor?
3
00:00:04,408 --> 00:00:07,020
Can we try to avoid talking to
our friends tonight
4
00:00:07,088 --> 00:00:08,682
about our wedding plans?
5
00:00:08,877 --> 00:00:10,074
I'll do you one better.
6
00:00:10,142 --> 00:00:12,481
I'll avoid talking
to our friends entirely
7
00:00:12,549 --> 00:00:14,473
and play on my phone.
8
00:00:15,346 --> 00:00:17,442
It's just, I haven't picked
a maid of honor yet,
9
00:00:17,510 --> 00:00:20,111
and I'm having trouble deciding
between Penny and Bernadette.
10
00:00:20,228 --> 00:00:21,814
Ah, understandable.
11
00:00:21,882 --> 00:00:23,278
They are quite similar...
12
00:00:23,346 --> 00:00:27,916
Both blonde former waitresses
who married beneath them.
13
00:00:28,291 --> 00:00:29,824
Penny is my best friend,
14
00:00:29,892 --> 00:00:31,676
but I was Bernadette's
maid of honor,
15
00:00:31,744 --> 00:00:33,373
and I think
she kind of expects it.
16
00:00:33,486 --> 00:00:35,377
So if anyone brings
it up tonight,
17
00:00:35,445 --> 00:00:37,510
just maybe you can help
me change the subject.
18
00:00:37,631 --> 00:00:38,867
How about this?
19
00:00:38,942 --> 00:00:41,410
I dominate
the conversation so hard,
20
00:00:41,478 --> 00:00:44,338
no one has a chance
to get a word in edgewise.
21
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I don't know.
22
00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:49,213
They might see that coming.
23
00:00:49,453 --> 00:00:50,799
What if we have
a code word?
24
00:00:50,867 --> 00:00:53,830
Ooh, now you're speaking
my catamaran.
25
00:00:54,861 --> 00:00:57,377
That's my code word
for "language."
26
00:00:57,939 --> 00:00:59,512
Okay, fine, catamaran.
27
00:00:59,580 --> 00:01:00,602
That's our code word.
28
00:01:00,669 --> 00:01:03,299
No, that's my code word.
Get your own.
29
00:01:03,947 --> 00:01:06,557
Okay. Uh, pretzels.
30
00:01:06,705 --> 00:01:09,283
You hear me say pretzels,
you change the subject.
31
00:01:09,572 --> 00:01:12,980
Rhinos are my least favorite
animals at the zoo.
32
00:01:13,415 --> 00:01:14,657
What?
33
00:01:15,713 --> 00:01:17,838
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought we started.
34
00:01:19,471 --> 00:01:22,916
Hey, just-just hold the gate
still while I screw it in.
35
00:01:23,057 --> 00:01:24,402
You know,
I don't know how I feel
36
00:01:24,470 --> 00:01:25,963
about all this
baby-proofing.
37
00:01:26,031 --> 00:01:28,543
If Halley can't teach herself
to walk down the stairs,
38
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then maybe that's nature's way
of saying
39
00:01:30,210 --> 00:01:32,745
the Wolowitz line ends here.
40
00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:34,821
That's funny.
I always thought
41
00:01:34,889 --> 00:01:36,502
Howard was nature's
way of saying
42
00:01:36,570 --> 00:01:38,506
the Wolowitz
line ends here.
43
00:01:39,717 --> 00:01:43,170
Me, too, but life does
find a way!
44
00:01:43,975 --> 00:01:46,709
Hey, Halley can't reach
the liquor cabinet.
45
00:01:46,777 --> 00:01:47,942
Why did you baby-proof it?
46
00:01:48,217 --> 00:01:50,577
How did you know we did?
47
00:01:52,155 --> 00:01:53,990
Fair point.
48
00:01:55,498 --> 00:01:57,631
Bernadette
still going stir-crazy?
49
00:01:57,715 --> 00:01:58,984
Oh, a little.
50
00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:01,061
Two months of bed rest...
It's kind of rough.
51
00:02:01,129 --> 00:02:03,147
Really? That sounds great.
How do I get that?
52
00:02:03,299 --> 00:02:07,069
You'd either have to break your
hip or let Howard knock you up.
53
00:02:08,013 --> 00:02:11,108
Now, either way, you'll get
flowers the next morning.
54
00:02:12,148 --> 00:02:14,125
She's actually been
keeping herself busy
55
00:02:14,193 --> 00:02:16,608
doing wedding research for you.
56
00:02:17,053 --> 00:02:19,779
Oh, she-she doesn't
have to do that.
57
00:02:19,850 --> 00:02:23,225
She wants to. After all,
you were her maid of honor.
58
00:02:25,514 --> 00:02:28,226
Sheldon, tell your funny story
about pretzels.
59
00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:31,426
Oh, right.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
60
00:02:31,493 --> 00:02:32,957
Did you know
that we've been thinking
61
00:02:33,025 --> 00:02:35,227
of having pretzels
at our wedding? Hmm?
62
00:02:35,295 --> 00:02:37,108
No, no. No, no, no,
no, no. I'm sorry.
63
00:02:37,176 --> 00:02:39,295
No, rhinos. We're having
rhinos at our wedding.
64
00:02:39,363 --> 00:02:42,373
No!
I got to go.
65
00:02:46,803 --> 00:02:48,115
I'm gonna need some help.
66
00:02:48,183 --> 00:02:50,151
Someone baby-proofed
the front door.
67
00:02:51,174 --> 00:02:54,744
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
68
00:02:54,812 --> 00:02:58,615
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
69
00:02:58,683 --> 00:02:59,908
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
70
00:02:59,976 --> 00:03:02,882
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
71
00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:04,558
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
72
00:03:04,625 --> 00:03:07,340
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
73
00:03:07,408 --> 00:03:09,611
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
74
00:03:09,679 --> 00:03:12,710
♪ Bang! ♪
*THE BIG BANG THEORY*
Season 11 Episode 12
Title: "The Matrimonial Metric"
75
00:03:17,390 --> 00:03:18,539
♪♪
76
00:03:19,630 --> 00:03:22,427
Sheldon, what am I gonna do
about my maid of honor?
77
00:03:22,546 --> 00:03:25,198
I mean, Bernadette gave me
all these bridal magazines.
78
00:03:25,290 --> 00:03:27,784
She even folded down the pages
with the good dresses.
79
00:03:27,852 --> 00:03:29,087
Hmm. Hmm.
80
00:03:29,180 --> 00:03:30,667
I get it.
You know, Leonard
81
00:03:30,735 --> 00:03:33,190
once borrowed
my Edmund Scientific catalogue
82
00:03:33,258 --> 00:03:34,917
and dog-eared some pages.
83
00:03:34,985 --> 00:03:37,104
Never got 'em straight again.
84
00:03:38,050 --> 00:03:40,334
Well, that is
exactly the same thing.
85
00:03:40,402 --> 00:03:42,932
You really
understand my dilemma.
86
00:03:43,636 --> 00:03:46,292
Actually, I do.
My mother
87
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,745
is pushing for my brother, Georgie,
to be my best man,
88
00:03:48,813 --> 00:03:50,448
and I hate
to disappoint her again.
89
00:03:50,516 --> 00:03:53,956
I already rejected her savior
and her Linkedln invitation.
90
00:03:55,613 --> 00:03:57,338
How are we gonna
make these decisions
91
00:03:57,420 --> 00:03:59,417
without anybody getting upset?
92
00:03:59,516 --> 00:04:03,588
Well, what if we take emotion
out of the process,
93
00:04:03,656 --> 00:04:06,278
and base it
on empirical metrics?
94
00:04:06,346 --> 00:04:09,037
Then we aren't really
making the decision;
95
00:04:09,105 --> 00:04:10,307
the data is.
96
00:04:10,436 --> 00:04:12,653
So we can hurt our
friends' feelings
97
00:04:12,721 --> 00:04:15,211
without taking any
responsibility?
98
00:04:17,849 --> 00:04:19,956
Me likey.
99
00:04:21,331 --> 00:04:23,581
But how do we apply
quantitative metrics
100
00:04:23,649 --> 00:04:26,424
to something as subjective
as choosing a wedding party?
101
00:04:26,525 --> 00:04:28,448
That decision only
seems subjective.
102
00:04:28,516 --> 00:04:29,729
In-In reality,
103
00:04:29,797 --> 00:04:32,740
people in a wedding party
perform very specific functions,
104
00:04:32,808 --> 00:04:34,792
and some will perform those
better than others.
105
00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:37,170
If I may use
a superhero analogy...
106
00:04:37,238 --> 00:04:39,525
- You may not.
- Okay, I'll use real people.
107
00:04:39,593 --> 00:04:43,551
Um, if a certain
dog-like loyalty is useful,
108
00:04:43,619 --> 00:04:45,676
then it's Leonard, hmm?
109
00:04:45,743 --> 00:04:47,243
If, uh, having a PEZ dispenser
110
00:04:47,310 --> 00:04:50,291
filled with TUMS is
an advantage, Wolowitz, yeah.
111
00:04:50,548 --> 00:04:52,838
If a best man
with fake testicles hanging
112
00:04:52,906 --> 00:04:53,948
from his truck is important,
113
00:04:54,015 --> 00:04:56,350
well, then, my brother's
back in the running.
114
00:04:58,382 --> 00:04:59,979
Okay, I see your point.
115
00:05:00,047 --> 00:05:02,494
So we break down
each of the roles
116
00:05:02,562 --> 00:05:03,933
into their component parts,
117
00:05:04,001 --> 00:05:06,705
and then design
specialized tests for each.
118
00:05:06,773 --> 00:05:09,882
Exactly. Boy, if I had known
getting married was going to
119
00:05:09,950 --> 00:05:13,077
involve so much science,
I'd have proposed years ago.
120
00:05:13,983 --> 00:05:15,257
♪♪
121
00:05:15,434 --> 00:05:17,476
So Leonard,
tell everyone your news.
122
00:05:17,544 --> 00:05:20,015
Oh, oh, I'm
starting a book.
123
00:05:20,514 --> 00:05:22,282
That would be big news
from Penny,
124
00:05:22,350 --> 00:05:24,780
but you've read a book
before.
125
00:05:26,233 --> 00:05:28,585
He means
he's writing a book.
126
00:05:28,722 --> 00:05:31,491
I do. It's something I've been
thinking about for a long time.
127
00:05:31,559 --> 00:05:33,855
Yeah. It's about
a brilliant physicist
128
00:05:33,923 --> 00:05:35,780
who solves crimes
using science.
129
00:05:35,848 --> 00:05:36,849
Oh, Leonard...
130
00:05:36,917 --> 00:05:38,652
It's not about you.
131
00:05:40,823 --> 00:05:43,249
He probably has to say
that for legal reasons.
132
00:05:44,116 --> 00:05:45,269
Uh-oh.
133
00:05:45,336 --> 00:05:48,257
They gave us plain rice
instead of fried rice.
134
00:05:48,325 --> 00:05:49,655
Well, no fair!
135
00:05:49,723 --> 00:05:50,835
I SoulCycled this morning.
136
00:05:50,903 --> 00:05:53,507
I'm entitled
to a pile of fat rice.
137
00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:58,382
Well, I would say that this
constitutes a catering crisis.
138
00:05:59,163 --> 00:06:02,796
I agree. Who's gonna
step up and handle it?
139
00:06:07,064 --> 00:06:08,830
Doesn't matter.
This is fine.
140
00:06:13,722 --> 00:06:14,789
Penny?
141
00:06:14,991 --> 00:06:16,569
What?
142
00:06:18,176 --> 00:06:19,809
You know what?
I'll take care of it.
143
00:06:20,663 --> 00:06:23,960
Speaks Mandarin...
144
00:06:37,601 --> 00:06:38,892
Done.
145
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,851
You didn't make him
feel bad, did you?
146
00:06:40,949 --> 00:06:42,655
Actually, he
was laughing.
147
00:06:45,421 --> 00:06:48,069
I'm really impressed
at how you handled that, Howard.
148
00:06:48,194 --> 00:06:49,424
Please.
I've been sending food
149
00:06:49,491 --> 00:06:50,666
back my entire life.
150
00:06:50,733 --> 00:06:52,093
One of my first
full sentences was,
151
00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:54,608
"I had breast milk
for breakfast""
152
00:06:57,163 --> 00:06:59,208
Excuse me,
b-before we start eating,
153
00:06:59,369 --> 00:07:01,138
I-I would like
to make a toast.
154
00:07:01,226 --> 00:07:02,179
- Oh, nice.
- Oh, nice.
155
00:07:02,247 --> 00:07:03,804
If only I could
think of one.
156
00:07:03,872 --> 00:07:05,858
Someone else go.
157
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,272
♪♪
158
00:07:08,499 --> 00:07:10,374
Hey. Here's the sewing kit
you asked for.
159
00:07:10,442 --> 00:07:12,335
Ooh! A minute, 19.
160
00:07:12,421 --> 00:07:14,257
Quick.
161
00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:16,569
You were timing me?
162
00:07:16,783 --> 00:07:20,757
Yes. I am going through
a bit of a timing phase.
163
00:07:20,928 --> 00:07:22,301
How long will it last?
164
00:07:22,369 --> 00:07:24,108
We'll find out.
165
00:07:25,173 --> 00:07:26,873
What did you need the kit for?
166
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:29,241
Oh, um...
167
00:07:29,644 --> 00:07:32,843
Sh-Sheldon was squatting down
to pick up a fork
168
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,477
and he ripped his pants.
169
00:07:34,710 --> 00:07:38,748
Oh, someone's gonna
be sore tomorrow.
170
00:07:40,249 --> 00:07:42,194
Oh, quick thinking.
171
00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:43,699
But for future lies,
172
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,733
this is as far
as I can squat.
173
00:07:48,174 --> 00:07:50,174
Penny gets 20 points
for the sewing kit.
174
00:07:50,242 --> 00:07:51,679
Yeah, minus five,
175
00:07:51,747 --> 00:07:53,849
because this is mine.
176
00:07:55,518 --> 00:07:57,801
Well, she's still pulling
a commanding lead.
177
00:07:57,869 --> 00:08:00,018
Did Bernadette even try
to send us a sewing kit?
178
00:08:00,086 --> 00:08:02,488
She did.
Amazon, standard shipping,
179
00:08:02,556 --> 00:08:04,560
not even Prime.
180
00:08:04,628 --> 00:08:06,060
We could've done
that ourselves.
181
00:08:06,417 --> 00:08:08,424
That's what she said.
182
00:08:09,635 --> 00:08:11,515
Maybe we're being
old-fashioned,
183
00:08:11,582 --> 00:08:13,549
defining these
roles by gender.
184
00:08:13,650 --> 00:08:15,760
You know, historically,
the best man's role
185
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:17,713
was to defend the bride
and groom in combat.
186
00:08:17,781 --> 00:08:19,372
I mean, if that's not Penny,
I don't know
187
00:08:19,439 --> 00:08:20,819
what we're doing here.
188
00:08:22,166 --> 00:08:23,494
I see your point.
189
00:08:23,650 --> 00:08:27,630
Okay, we are officially open
to a best woman
190
00:08:27,697 --> 00:08:29,549
and a gentleman of honor.
191
00:08:29,617 --> 00:08:31,367
Oh, those names are terrible.
192
00:08:31,435 --> 00:08:33,744
One point off for you.
193
00:08:34,405 --> 00:08:36,111
What am I being
tested for?
194
00:08:36,179 --> 00:08:38,080
Oh, it's not important.
But if you don't pass,
195
00:08:38,148 --> 00:08:40,166
none of this matters.
196
00:08:41,351 --> 00:08:43,432
Okay,
what's the next test?
197
00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:44,846
A loyalty.
198
00:08:44,914 --> 00:08:47,096
We need to choose
someone who has our backs,
199
00:08:47,164 --> 00:08:50,674
someone who will keep our
secrets even from each other.
200
00:08:50,963 --> 00:08:52,760
Well, I don't have any secrets
from you.
201
00:08:52,828 --> 00:08:54,396
Do you have secrets from me?
202
00:08:54,590 --> 00:08:56,659
Yes.
203
00:08:57,799 --> 00:08:59,696
Oh, that has been weighing
on me for years.
204
00:08:59,764 --> 00:09:01,307
Come here.
205
00:09:04,156 --> 00:09:07,344
Would you call yourself
a loyal and trustworthy friend?
206
00:09:07,485 --> 00:09:09,890
- Yeah, I like to think so.
- Great.
207
00:09:10,073 --> 00:09:12,373
Because I need to tell you
something about Howard,
208
00:09:12,492 --> 00:09:14,281
but you can't tell him
that I told you.
209
00:09:14,349 --> 00:09:16,117
Nope. Don't want to hear it.
210
00:09:16,214 --> 00:09:18,226
Do not like to engage in gossip.
211
00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:21,717
Okay. I respect
your integrity.
212
00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:24,486
Is it about
his special underwear?
213
00:09:24,554 --> 00:09:26,890
Because I already know.
And that's all I'll say.
214
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,679
Fine, it has
a charcoal filter in it.
215
00:09:33,764 --> 00:09:36,390
It's really sweet of you
to come by and keep me company.
216
00:09:36,465 --> 00:09:38,434
Agreed. Uh...
217
00:09:40,398 --> 00:09:43,609
So, listen,
I have a secret
218
00:09:43,687 --> 00:09:45,375
that I need to
tell someone.
219
00:09:45,566 --> 00:09:47,836
But you can
never say a word.
220
00:09:47,904 --> 00:09:49,117
Not even to Howard.
221
00:09:49,185 --> 00:09:51,287
I'm your girl. Lay it on me.
222
00:09:51,914 --> 00:09:53,017
Really?
223
00:09:53,084 --> 00:09:55,203
You keep things
from your husband?
224
00:09:55,487 --> 00:09:56,906
No, I tell him everything.
225
00:09:56,974 --> 00:09:58,875
Don't be a child.
226
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:02,523
Okay. Here it is.
227
00:10:03,367 --> 00:10:05,336
I can control
the thermostat
228
00:10:05,404 --> 00:10:07,953
in Leonard's apartment
with my phone.
229
00:10:08,054 --> 00:10:11,047
And when he makes me mad,
230
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:14,875
I turn it up, slightly.
231
00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:18,758
Oh, hey. I didn't
know you were here.
232
00:10:18,861 --> 00:10:20,775
What are you two
talking about?
233
00:10:23,072 --> 00:10:25,748
Literally, nothing interesting.
234
00:10:27,151 --> 00:10:29,418
Oh, you're good.
235
00:10:31,535 --> 00:10:35,472
Okay, getting to
the ceremony on time.
236
00:10:36,017 --> 00:10:38,027
Leonard, quick.
I need you to get me
237
00:10:38,094 --> 00:10:39,415
to Arcadia
within the hour.
238
00:10:39,483 --> 00:10:40,816
The train store's
having a sale.
239
00:10:40,884 --> 00:10:42,385
Why can't Amy drive you?
240
00:10:42,453 --> 00:10:46,150
Because of the tradition
that I cannot see Amy
241
00:10:46,218 --> 00:10:48,624
on the day of
the train store sale.
242
00:10:49,678 --> 00:10:52,327
Please, please see a doctor.
243
00:10:53,618 --> 00:10:56,257
Next test.
Just wait one second.
244
00:11:00,288 --> 00:11:02,614
Is it getting
hot in here?
245
00:11:07,888 --> 00:11:09,958
I'm sorry.
Where were we?
246
00:11:10,484 --> 00:11:13,454
How well do our friends
know us?
247
00:11:14,258 --> 00:11:16,367
So I was talking
to my favorite aunt...
248
00:11:16,435 --> 00:11:18,047
Aunt Doe, right?
249
00:11:18,628 --> 00:11:20,030
Exactly.
250
00:11:20,370 --> 00:11:22,904
Did she ever figure out what
that thing on her knee was?
251
00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:25,741
Turns out it was
a chocolate chip.
252
00:11:26,164 --> 00:11:28,969
Hmm. Makes sense,
she does like to bake.
253
00:11:29,134 --> 00:11:32,719
Yes, she does. Damn,
you are a thoroughbred.
254
00:11:33,883 --> 00:11:36,766
You know, dealing
with cold feet
255
00:11:36,834 --> 00:11:40,992
is an important part of being
both best man and maid of honor.
256
00:11:41,137 --> 00:11:43,664
Maybe we should test
for that ability.
257
00:11:44,992 --> 00:11:47,586
You really think you
might get cold feet?
258
00:11:48,258 --> 00:11:50,699
Actually, I was
talking about you.
259
00:11:51,094 --> 00:11:52,703
Amy...
260
00:11:52,940 --> 00:11:55,610
if there's one thing in
this world I'm sure of,
261
00:11:55,688 --> 00:11:57,875
you are right
to be worried.
262
00:11:59,863 --> 00:12:01,578
Good night.
263
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:06,684
Howard.
264
00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:10,055
I've had my eye on this
limited edition Swamp Thing,
265
00:12:10,123 --> 00:12:11,828
but now that I'm
about to buy it,
266
00:12:11,896 --> 00:12:14,813
I'm having second thoughts.
What do you think?
267
00:12:15,438 --> 00:12:17,962
I don't know, Sheldon,
it's pretty expensive.
268
00:12:18,235 --> 00:12:21,289
Yes, but what if it will
make me happy, you know,
269
00:12:21,357 --> 00:12:25,159
waking up and seeing it every
morning for the rest of my life?
270
00:12:25,301 --> 00:12:29,039
Really, a walking
clump of swamp grass?
271
00:12:29,501 --> 00:12:32,157
Yeah, well, Bernadette's
no prize either!
272
00:12:33,272 --> 00:12:34,376
♪♪
273
00:12:34,867 --> 00:12:36,726
Hey, what you doing?
Oh.
274
00:12:36,818 --> 00:12:39,375
Sheldon gave me a brain teaser.
It's kind of fun.
275
00:12:39,443 --> 00:12:41,109
It's about a group
of people at dinner,
276
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:44,516
and you have to figure out where
they can sit without fighting.
277
00:12:44,855 --> 00:12:46,930
Oh, yeah, is this
the one where Mr. Green
278
00:12:46,998 --> 00:12:48,891
can't sit next to
anyone eating meat,
279
00:12:48,959 --> 00:12:50,250
and Uncle Light Blue
280
00:12:50,331 --> 00:12:53,438
won't sit next to any
of the darker colors?
281
00:12:54,698 --> 00:12:56,867
Yeah, did Sheldon
send it to you?
282
00:12:56,935 --> 00:12:58,407
Amy did.
I solved it already.
283
00:12:58,475 --> 00:12:59,571
- Really?
- Yeah.
284
00:12:59,639 --> 00:13:01,383
Same way I solved
my jury duty summons,
285
00:13:01,451 --> 00:13:03,430
I threw it away.
286
00:13:03,977 --> 00:13:05,207
No, no, no, no, no.
287
00:13:05,274 --> 00:13:07,594
Uh, Aunt Orange can't
sit next to the bar
288
00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:08,977
without Ms. Pink saying,
289
00:13:09,045 --> 00:13:11,789
"Jesus thinks you've
had enough whiskey."
290
00:13:13,451 --> 00:13:16,282
Did Sheldon and Amy give
you guys that puzzle, too?
291
00:13:16,350 --> 00:13:19,711
Yeah. Is it just me or
have they been acting strange?
292
00:13:19,779 --> 00:13:22,000
I don't think they're acting.
293
00:13:23,552 --> 00:13:25,274
Yeah, the other day,
Sheldon made me
294
00:13:25,342 --> 00:13:26,485
take him to the train store.
295
00:13:26,553 --> 00:13:27,987
We didn't go inside.
He just said,
296
00:13:28,055 --> 00:13:30,591
"Nicely done,"
and then we went home.
297
00:13:31,125 --> 00:13:33,336
Yeah, and Amy gave me
this plastic ring
298
00:13:33,404 --> 00:13:34,711
and told me to hold on to it.
299
00:13:34,779 --> 00:13:35,836
I got one, too.
300
00:13:35,904 --> 00:13:37,664
- Yeah, same.
- Yeah, me, too.
301
00:13:37,867 --> 00:13:40,102
But-but Cinnamon ate it.
302
00:13:41,675 --> 00:13:44,133
I-I'll get it
back tomorrow.
303
00:13:45,219 --> 00:13:46,563
♪♪
304
00:13:48,147 --> 00:13:50,114
I have to say, this
is going pretty well.
305
00:13:50,314 --> 00:13:51,316
It is.
306
00:13:51,384 --> 00:13:54,766
I-If experimenting on humans
is morally wrong,
307
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:57,336
then I don't want
to be morally right.
308
00:13:58,039 --> 00:13:59,946
Hey, are you testing us
309
00:14:00,014 --> 00:14:01,880
to see who gets
to be in your wedding?
310
00:14:01,948 --> 00:14:03,805
- Yes.
- No.
311
00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:06,914
Wha... they're rating us.
312
00:14:06,997 --> 00:14:08,600
And I'm in last?
313
00:14:09,179 --> 00:14:11,475
Could be. Don't panic,
there's still time.
314
00:14:11,543 --> 00:14:14,365
Look, it's a marathon,
not a sprint.
315
00:14:15,232 --> 00:14:16,961
You know what,
this is so insulting.
316
00:14:17,029 --> 00:14:18,649
I-I don't even want to be
your stupid best man.
317
00:14:18,716 --> 00:14:19,945
Yeah.
Me neither.
318
00:14:20,013 --> 00:14:21,149
W-W-Wait, wait.
319
00:14:21,217 --> 00:14:23,742
Just out of curiosity,
which one of you figured it out?
320
00:14:23,972 --> 00:14:25,573
I did.
321
00:14:27,061 --> 00:14:29,091
Impressive.
322
00:14:35,672 --> 00:14:36,805
♪♪
323
00:14:37,172 --> 00:14:38,492
Hello, Stuart.
324
00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:39,609
Oh, hey, Sheldon.
325
00:14:39,677 --> 00:14:42,281
Can I interest you
in a cappuccino?
326
00:14:42,711 --> 00:14:44,586
When did you start
selling those?
327
00:14:44,654 --> 00:14:47,508
Oh, someone left it here,
but it's still warm.
328
00:14:49,078 --> 00:14:51,406
Want to say four bucks?
329
00:14:52,656 --> 00:14:53,681
No, thank you.
330
00:14:53,748 --> 00:14:55,930
Oh. Everything okay?
331
00:14:56,272 --> 00:14:57,602
Well...
332
00:14:57,670 --> 00:14:59,844
I secretly experimented
on my friends,
333
00:14:59,912 --> 00:15:02,492
and now none of them
want to be my best man.
334
00:15:02,598 --> 00:15:05,914
So, you know,
normal wedding drama.
335
00:15:06,841 --> 00:15:08,177
Sorry.
336
00:15:08,245 --> 00:15:10,413
Probably have to use
my stupid brother.
337
00:15:10,511 --> 00:15:13,630
So get ready for a wedding toast
delivered by his armpit.
338
00:15:14,021 --> 00:15:16,021
Well, if you really don't
want to use your brother,
339
00:15:16,092 --> 00:15:17,493
I'd be your best man.
340
00:15:18,437 --> 00:15:19,812
Really?
341
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:22,185
Yeah, we're friends.
342
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:23,779
Plus, it'd be nice.
343
00:15:23,847 --> 00:15:27,459
Never really been called
the best before.
344
00:15:28,152 --> 00:15:30,576
Or a man, for that matter.
345
00:15:31,630 --> 00:15:34,170
Okay, well, uh,
thank you, Stuart.
346
00:15:34,238 --> 00:15:35,637
That's a very generous offer.
347
00:15:35,751 --> 00:15:37,307
My pleasure.
348
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:38,604
I-I understand
349
00:15:38,672 --> 00:15:41,940
the best man usually
receives a present.
350
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:44,448
That's true.
351
00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:48,229
Can never have
too much Claritin.
352
00:15:49,420 --> 00:15:50,787
♪♪
353
00:15:52,231 --> 00:15:55,300
You're still working on
Sheldon's dumb brain teaser?
354
00:15:55,368 --> 00:15:58,972
Oh, my God, Dr. Purple's
a woman! Of course!
355
00:15:59,447 --> 00:16:01,972
Oh, that feels so good.
356
00:16:02,804 --> 00:16:04,151
Hello.
357
00:16:04,219 --> 00:16:07,690
I believe I owe the
three of you an apology.
358
00:16:08,893 --> 00:16:10,696
No argument here.
359
00:16:11,894 --> 00:16:13,932
By experimenting on you,
360
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,535
I realize I've
violated your trust
361
00:16:16,727 --> 00:16:20,511
and possibly the
Geneva Convention.
362
00:16:21,206 --> 00:16:22,386
Is that it?
363
00:16:22,467 --> 00:16:23,603
No.
364
00:16:23,671 --> 00:16:26,006
So as to not upset
any of you further,
365
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:28,306
I've asked Stuart
to be my best man,
366
00:16:28,374 --> 00:16:29,557
and he's agreed.
367
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,847
You're all still invited
to the bachelor party.
368
00:16:31,915 --> 00:16:35,986
Uh, he's thinking Costco
and the theme is browsing.
369
00:16:36,511 --> 00:16:38,784
You picked Stuart
over one of us?
370
00:16:38,852 --> 00:16:40,215
Well, I wanted to
choose one of you,
371
00:16:40,282 --> 00:16:41,823
but you all
turned against me.
372
00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:45,857
Picking a best man isn't
about keeping score.
373
00:16:46,060 --> 00:16:47,565
But you're all my friends.
374
00:16:47,633 --> 00:16:49,245
I mean,
if I didn't collect data,
375
00:16:49,315 --> 00:16:51,847
how could I possibly choose
among the three of you?
376
00:16:52,198 --> 00:16:54,567
Well, that's actually
kind of sweet.
377
00:16:54,745 --> 00:16:57,753
Is it?
Perhaps I said it wrong.
378
00:16:58,658 --> 00:17:02,142
Look, this is your wedding,
just pick whoever you want.
379
00:17:02,210 --> 00:17:04,308
You don't need to worry
about anyone else but yourself.
380
00:17:04,375 --> 00:17:07,595
You've kind of been training
for this your whole life.
381
00:17:08,252 --> 00:17:09,617
Thank you, Leonard.
382
00:17:10,033 --> 00:17:13,549
And if it helps...
these two are quitters.
383
00:17:14,705 --> 00:17:15,931
♪♪
384
00:17:16,806 --> 00:17:18,125
Hey, what you making?
385
00:17:18,192 --> 00:17:20,092
Uh, well, I spilled
the cheese packet,
386
00:17:20,159 --> 00:17:23,228
- so we're having mac and nothing.
- Oh.
387
00:17:23,970 --> 00:17:25,488
Yeah. I'll just have the mac.
388
00:17:25,556 --> 00:17:27,619
"Nothing" gives me gas.
389
00:17:30,692 --> 00:17:32,189
Why are you in such a
good mood?
390
00:17:32,257 --> 00:17:33,591
Mm, I just talked to Sheldon.
391
00:17:33,659 --> 00:17:36,970
He apologized about the tests
and asked me to be his best man.
392
00:17:37,076 --> 00:17:40,181
Uh, great. After all you've done
for him, he should've asked you.
393
00:17:40,249 --> 00:17:41,848
And Amy's your best friend.
394
00:17:41,916 --> 00:17:43,792
I'm sure she'll come
to her senses and pick you.
395
00:17:43,859 --> 00:17:45,976
Okay, she's not my best friend.
We're not 12.
396
00:17:46,044 --> 00:17:47,640
If she wants Bernadette
to be her maid of honor,
397
00:17:47,708 --> 00:17:48,847
I really don't care.
398
00:17:48,915 --> 00:17:50,033
Sounds like you care.
399
00:17:50,101 --> 00:17:52,012
No, I mean, it-it's
just annoying.
400
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,261
You know, we talk every day.
We see each other all the time.
401
00:17:54,328 --> 00:17:56,145
She's always there
for me, and basically...
402
00:17:56,213 --> 00:17:58,752
Oh, my God,
Amy's my best friend.
403
00:18:00,588 --> 00:18:02,127
You okay?
404
00:18:02,463 --> 00:18:05,604
No, my best friend didn't ask me
to be her maid of honor.
405
00:18:05,671 --> 00:18:07,139
I'm pissed!
406
00:18:09,443 --> 00:18:13,846
So, bottom line,
what you did was wrong and cruel,
407
00:18:13,913 --> 00:18:18,377
which the mother of my children
finds oddly appealing.
408
00:18:18,767 --> 00:18:21,189
So she still wants
to be my maid of honor?
409
00:18:21,260 --> 00:18:22,800
Maid of honor, hit woman,
whatever you need.
410
00:18:22,867 --> 00:18:24,681
Make the call.
411
00:18:26,168 --> 00:18:27,817
Look, I know this
is your wedding,
412
00:18:27,885 --> 00:18:29,083
and you can do
whatever you want,
413
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,294
but if you think anyone but me
is gonna be your maid of honor,
414
00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:34,048
then you're an idiot because
you are my best friend.
415
00:18:34,116 --> 00:18:35,352
Too late. Bernade...
416
00:18:35,420 --> 00:18:37,204
Bestie!
417
00:18:45,594 --> 00:18:46,695
♪♪
418
00:18:47,242 --> 00:18:49,047
Stuart, I'm sorry
if it's weird
419
00:18:49,115 --> 00:18:51,315
Sheldon made me best man
instead of you.
420
00:18:51,383 --> 00:18:52,445
It's okay.
421
00:18:52,513 --> 00:18:55,922
I was best man
for two whole days.
422
00:18:57,410 --> 00:18:59,992
No one can take that
away from me.
423
00:19:01,101 --> 00:19:03,937
Except for Sheldon,
when he did.
424
00:19:05,284 --> 00:19:07,601
Although, if you want to be
a part of the wedding party,
425
00:19:07,669 --> 00:19:10,805
I suppose you could be
the flower girl.
426
00:19:12,273 --> 00:19:14,180
Sold.
427
00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:18,078
Well, I thought Halley
was gonna be the flower girl.
428
00:19:18,146 --> 00:19:19,531
Oh, that's much better.
429
00:19:19,599 --> 00:19:21,680
Sorry, Stuart,
you're out.
430
00:19:23,270 --> 00:19:25,891
Hey, so is Bernadette okay
with me being maid of honor?
431
00:19:26,038 --> 00:19:29,226
Actually, I haven't
had the courage to tell her.
432
00:19:30,133 --> 00:19:31,433
I guess I should do that.
433
00:19:31,501 --> 00:19:32,876
Uh, yeah.
434
00:19:35,234 --> 00:19:37,133
Although, as
maid of honor,
435
00:19:37,208 --> 00:19:39,422
your job is to
make my life easier.
436
00:19:40,762 --> 00:19:41,922
Damn it.
437
00:19:42,054 --> 00:19:45,164
Hey, Stuart, you still
want in on this wedding?
438
00:19:47,701 --> 00:19:49,492
Not that much.
439
00:19:51,106 --> 00:19:53,648
Fine, I'll do it.
440
00:19:53,757 --> 00:19:58,116
But do me a favor and unlock
the liquor cabinet first.
441
00:19:58,186 --> 00:20:00,077
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