1
00:00:01,676 --> 00:00:04,144
So what kind of cruise
is this you're going on?
2
00:00:04,146 --> 00:00:07,014
It's called
the Born Again Boat Ride.
3
00:00:07,016 --> 00:00:10,400
Christian Quarterly gave
it their highest rating--
4
00:00:10,402 --> 00:00:12,820
five thorny crowns.
5
00:00:12,822 --> 00:00:15,155
I do wish you'd
come with me, Sheldon.
6
00:00:15,157 --> 00:00:19,026
Well, Mom, if I did, it
would be conclusive proof
7
00:00:19,028 --> 00:00:21,245
that your God
can work miracles.
8
00:00:22,330 --> 00:00:23,347
You're missing out.
9
00:00:23,349 --> 00:00:24,781
It's gonna
be wall-to-wall fun.
10
00:00:24,783 --> 00:00:25,833
It's all themed.
11
00:00:25,835 --> 00:00:27,817
There's Jonah
and the Whale Watching.
12
00:00:29,387 --> 00:00:32,339
All-you-can-eat
Last Supper Buffet.
13
00:00:32,341 --> 00:00:34,708
And my personal favorite,
Gunning with God.
14
00:00:34,710 --> 00:00:38,262
What's Gunning with God?
I'm afraid to ask.
15
00:00:38,264 --> 00:00:40,964
Oh, it is a hoot
and a half.
16
00:00:40,966 --> 00:00:43,667
You write your sins
on a clay pigeon,
17
00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:45,802
they fire 'em up in the air,
and you pulverize them
18
00:00:45,804 --> 00:00:47,554
with a 12-gauge shotgun
19
00:00:47,556 --> 00:00:51,608
full of our Lord's
forgiveness.
20
00:00:51,610 --> 00:00:54,361
Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged
to see how advanced
21
00:00:54,363 --> 00:00:56,363
your group has become--
willing to sail out
22
00:00:56,365 --> 00:00:59,950
into the ocean without fear
of falling off the edge.
23
00:00:59,952 --> 00:01:01,735
For example,
24
00:01:01,737 --> 00:01:03,620
if Shelly was aboard,
he'd write,
25
00:01:03,622 --> 00:01:05,789
"Smart mouth"
on his pigeon,
26
00:01:05,791 --> 00:01:09,626
and then bam!
27
00:01:09,628 --> 00:01:12,129
The Lord giveth and
the Lord bloweth away.
28
00:01:12,131 --> 00:01:13,413
Well, Mom,
29
00:01:13,415 --> 00:01:16,300
according to my itinerary
for our weekend together,
30
00:01:16,302 --> 00:01:18,116
the fun begins with
fried chicken.
31
00:01:18,141 --> 00:01:19,341
Sounds delicious.
32
00:01:19,471 --> 00:01:21,638
Good, 'cause I got you everything
you need to make it.
33
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,157
You are in for a treat.
34
00:01:24,159 --> 00:01:25,509
My mother's fried chicken
35
00:01:25,511 --> 00:01:29,346
is why we had to buy my dad
the extra large coffin.
36
00:01:29,348 --> 00:01:31,381
Sheldon, she just
got off the plane.
37
00:01:31,383 --> 00:01:32,816
She doesn't want to cook.
38
00:01:32,818 --> 00:01:34,268
Of course she does.
39
00:01:34,270 --> 00:01:36,987
Making me food is her way
of saying "I love you""
40
00:01:36,989 --> 00:01:39,189
Making me food when
she's too tired to cook
41
00:01:39,191 --> 00:01:41,325
is her way of saying
"I really love you."
42
00:01:41,327 --> 00:01:43,911
Actually, I wouldn't mind going
out for a bite, Sheldon.
43
00:01:43,913 --> 00:01:45,362
Won't that spoil our appetites
44
00:01:45,364 --> 00:01:47,230
for the chicken you're
going to make me?
45
00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:49,199
All right, that settles it, we're
going out. Do you like sushi?
46
00:01:49,201 --> 00:01:51,835
There's a great little
place down the street.
47
00:01:51,837 --> 00:01:53,478
I've never had it,
but there's no harm in
48
00:01:53,503 --> 00:01:54,721
trying something new.
49
00:01:55,574 --> 00:01:58,074
There's a lot of harm
in trying something new.
50
00:01:58,076 --> 00:01:59,837
That's why we test out
drugs and cosmetics
51
00:01:59,862 --> 00:02:01,062
on bunny rabbits.
52
00:02:01,380 --> 00:02:04,631
Sheldon, you're talking
like a crazy person.
53
00:02:04,633 --> 00:02:08,018
Actually, I had him
tested as a child.
54
00:02:08,020 --> 00:02:09,770
Doctor says he's fine.
55
00:02:09,772 --> 00:02:11,355
Told you.
56
00:02:11,357 --> 00:02:13,357
Although, I do regret
not following up
57
00:02:13,359 --> 00:02:14,975
with that specialist in Houston.
58
00:02:17,695 --> 00:02:21,315
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
59
00:02:21,317 --> 00:02:24,651
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
60
00:02:24,653 --> 00:02:26,286
♪ The Earth began to cool ♪
61
00:02:26,288 --> 00:02:28,822
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
62
00:02:28,824 --> 00:02:31,508
♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
63
00:02:31,510 --> 00:02:34,161
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
64
00:02:34,163 --> 00:02:36,079
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
65
00:02:36,081 --> 00:02:38,031
♪ Bang! ♪
66
00:02:38,056 --> 00:02:41,856
The Big Bang Theory 5x06
The Rhinitis Revelation
Original Air Date on October 20, 2011
67
00:02:41,857 --> 00:02:45,557
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
68
00:02:45,632 --> 00:02:46,834
Irasshaimase!
69
00:02:46,904 --> 00:02:49,355
Stop yelling!
70
00:02:49,719 --> 00:02:51,835
I'm not happy about this.
71
00:02:51,837 --> 00:02:53,854
What's the last thing
you were ever happy about?
72
00:02:53,856 --> 00:02:56,607
The prospect
of fried chicken.
73
00:02:58,476 --> 00:03:00,010
This is exciting.
74
00:03:00,012 --> 00:03:02,396
Back home, the diner on
Route Four serves sushi,
75
00:03:02,398 --> 00:03:05,899
but it's just cut up fish sticks
and a side of Uncle Ben's.
76
00:03:05,901 --> 00:03:07,517
They put it on the menu
77
00:03:07,519 --> 00:03:12,072
in those kung fu letters,
but that don't make it sushi.
78
00:03:12,074 --> 00:03:16,710
Uh, kung fu letters might
not be politically correct.
79
00:03:16,712 --> 00:03:20,330
Oh, I thought the one we
couldn't say was "ching chong""
80
00:03:20,332 --> 00:03:23,751
Yeah, yeah, that, too.
81
00:03:23,753 --> 00:03:25,552
So, Shelly, what's up
82
00:03:25,554 --> 00:03:27,421
with you and your friend Amy,
83
00:03:27,423 --> 00:03:29,640
if you don't mind
a mother prying a bit?
84
00:03:29,642 --> 00:03:33,177
Well, there's actually
big news on the Amy front.
85
00:03:33,179 --> 00:03:34,633
She's been studying the
86
00:03:34,658 --> 00:03:37,304
neurobiology of addiction
in lower animals.
87
00:03:37,549 --> 00:03:40,768
She's this close to getting
a starfish hooked on cocaine.
88
00:03:40,770 --> 00:03:44,321
Do you have any idea what's
going on with those two?
89
00:03:44,323 --> 00:03:46,573
It's kind of like
the Loch Ness monster.
90
00:03:46,575 --> 00:03:47,996
Maybe there's something
there, maybe there isn't.
91
00:03:48,021 --> 00:03:49,221
We'll probably never know.
92
00:03:50,829 --> 00:03:55,165
But sometimes it's fun to creep
yourself out thinking about it.
93
00:03:57,619 --> 00:04:01,088
How are you doing on
the young lady front?
94
00:04:01,090 --> 00:04:03,957
I hear you're in some sort
of a long distance situation?
95
00:04:03,959 --> 00:04:06,243
Yeah, it's Raj's sister.
96
00:04:06,245 --> 00:04:07,544
It's kind of tough.
97
00:04:07,546 --> 00:04:09,079
She's in India.
98
00:04:09,081 --> 00:04:10,931
Also, her parents aren't happy
she's dating someone white.
99
00:04:10,933 --> 00:04:12,916
Oh, that's funny
turn, isn't it?
100
00:04:12,918 --> 00:04:17,387
You never think about it
going the other way.
101
00:04:19,474 --> 00:04:22,609
Well, you can't force things.
102
00:04:22,611 --> 00:04:24,761
You need to figure out if
you're in a relationship
103
00:04:24,763 --> 00:04:26,396
or if you're just
calling it one.
104
00:04:26,398 --> 00:04:28,232
It's like they say--
a cat can have kittens
105
00:04:28,234 --> 00:04:31,819
in the oven but that
don't make 'em biscuits.
106
00:04:31,821 --> 00:04:33,937
And that reminds me
of another saying.
107
00:04:33,939 --> 00:04:36,066
You can lead a chicken
to Crisco, but you can't
108
00:04:36,091 --> 00:04:37,370
make your mother fry it.
109
00:04:39,443 --> 00:04:42,913
Sheldon, you pester me one
more time about chicken,
110
00:04:42,915 --> 00:04:46,216
I will put you over my knee
right here in this restaurant.
111
00:04:47,469 --> 00:04:50,087
Please pester her.
Please, for me.
112
00:04:53,641 --> 00:04:55,976
So, Mrs. Cooper, what did
you think of the sushi?
113
00:04:55,978 --> 00:04:57,227
It was good.
114
00:04:57,229 --> 00:04:59,646
The only thing that would
have made it better
115
00:04:59,648 --> 00:05:01,682
is if it was cooked
116
00:05:01,684 --> 00:05:05,018
and if it was beef.
117
00:05:05,020 --> 00:05:08,155
Sheldon, when is your landlord
going to fix the elevator?
118
00:05:08,157 --> 00:05:09,940
I don't know.
119
00:05:09,942 --> 00:05:11,658
Lately we've been talking about
120
00:05:11,660 --> 00:05:15,112
converting it
into a missile silo.
121
00:05:15,114 --> 00:05:17,247
Your son seems to think
122
00:05:17,249 --> 00:05:20,751
we need to launch
a preemptive strike on Burbank.
123
00:05:20,753 --> 00:05:23,704
Get them before
they get us.
124
00:05:29,844 --> 00:05:33,380
Hey, look who decided
to show up.
125
00:05:33,382 --> 00:05:35,382
Raj, what are you doing?
126
00:05:35,384 --> 00:05:39,720
I couldn't find you guys
so I bought six new friends.
127
00:05:40,655 --> 00:05:44,208
Three, sadly, are dead.
128
00:05:44,210 --> 00:05:46,443
Mom, you
remember Rajesh?
129
00:05:46,445 --> 00:05:48,562
- Rajesh, my mother.
- Of course.
130
00:05:48,564 --> 00:05:50,781
Mrs. Cooper.
So nice to see you again.
131
00:05:50,783 --> 00:05:53,317
Well, it's so nice
to see you, too.
132
00:05:55,620 --> 00:05:57,520
I thought it was
our Indians
133
00:05:57,522 --> 00:06:00,857
that had the occasional
alcohol problem.
134
00:06:02,627 --> 00:06:04,878
We don't say that, either.
135
00:06:06,197 --> 00:06:08,916
I'll make you a list.
136
00:06:08,918 --> 00:06:10,968
Oh, that would be mighty
white of you.
137
00:06:12,870 --> 00:06:16,673
So, Raj, what pain
are you trying
138
00:06:16,675 --> 00:06:18,926
to cover up with alcohol?
139
00:06:18,928 --> 00:06:20,677
- Nothing, I'm fine.
- Are ya?
140
00:06:20,679 --> 00:06:22,813
No.
141
00:06:22,815 --> 00:06:23,931
That's better.
142
00:06:23,933 --> 00:06:25,365
Now tell me what's
bothering you.
143
00:06:25,367 --> 00:06:27,684
I'm so lonely.
144
00:06:27,686 --> 00:06:30,237
Oh, yes, born alone,
die alone.
145
00:06:30,239 --> 00:06:32,522
It's a tragic
human condition.
146
00:06:32,524 --> 00:06:33,574
Now, Raj,
147
00:06:33,576 --> 00:06:34,891
if you'll excuse my mother,
148
00:06:34,893 --> 00:06:36,693
she's about to make a pecan pie
149
00:06:36,695 --> 00:06:38,579
that'll be so good
I'll almost forget
150
00:06:38,581 --> 00:06:40,747
how she blew it
with the fried chicken.
151
00:06:40,749 --> 00:06:42,783
Sheldon, your
friend is hurtin'.
152
00:06:42,785 --> 00:06:44,751
What do we do when
someone's hurtin'?
153
00:06:44,753 --> 00:06:47,904
Offer them a hot beverage.
154
00:06:47,906 --> 00:06:49,406
And when they're
drunk as a skunk,
155
00:06:49,408 --> 00:06:50,841
what beverage
do we offer?
156
00:06:50,843 --> 00:06:52,926
Coffee.
157
00:06:52,928 --> 00:06:55,262
And what do we do it with?
158
00:07:01,536 --> 00:07:04,754
Now you listen to me.
159
00:07:04,756 --> 00:07:07,774
I know you feel like
you can't find someone,
160
00:07:07,776 --> 00:07:09,476
but there's a
lock for every key.
161
00:07:09,478 --> 00:07:10,861
Back home, there's a girl
162
00:07:10,863 --> 00:07:14,281
works at the Wal-Mart.
Tall, tall girl.
163
00:07:14,283 --> 00:07:17,034
Woman could hunt
geese with a rake.
164
00:07:17,036 --> 00:07:18,568
Thought she'd never
165
00:07:18,570 --> 00:07:21,788
find a man, then one day,
wouldn't ya know,
166
00:07:21,790 --> 00:07:24,458
Harlem Globetrotters
come to town.
167
00:07:24,460 --> 00:07:27,444
Long story short,
168
00:07:27,446 --> 00:07:29,630
today that woman
travels the world
169
00:07:29,632 --> 00:07:31,498
with a semi-professional
basketball player
170
00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:34,751
and two beautiful
mixed-race babies.
171
00:07:34,753 --> 00:07:39,056
I didn't get a lot of that
because of your accent,
172
00:07:39,058 --> 00:07:40,891
but the general tone
was soothing
173
00:07:40,893 --> 00:07:42,792
and somehow I feel better.
174
00:07:44,262 --> 00:07:48,231
I'm not going to get
my pecan pie, am I?
175
00:07:48,233 --> 00:07:49,966
You want some Oreos?
176
00:07:49,968 --> 00:07:51,601
- Double Stuf?
- No, regular.
177
00:07:51,603 --> 00:07:54,354
Nice. Kick a man when he's down.
178
00:07:55,490 --> 00:07:58,442
I'm glad we're finally getting
to do something together,
179
00:07:58,444 --> 00:08:00,077
just the two of us.
180
00:08:00,079 --> 00:08:01,340
Sure. One thing you really
miss when you're on
181
00:08:01,365 --> 00:08:03,084
vacation is laundry.
182
00:08:03,699 --> 00:08:06,283
Careful, you're using
too much Downey.
183
00:08:06,285 --> 00:08:09,036
You know if my clothes get
too soft it makes me sleepy.
184
00:08:09,038 --> 00:08:11,154
Well, this takes me back.
185
00:08:11,156 --> 00:08:14,257
Me doing your laundry, you
next to me criticizing.
186
00:08:14,259 --> 00:08:16,209
It is nice, isn't it?
187
00:08:16,211 --> 00:08:18,879
Mrs. Cooper.
188
00:08:18,881 --> 00:08:22,499
- Hi!
- Oh, hello, darlin'.
189
00:08:22,501 --> 00:08:24,351
Sheldon, you didn't tell
me your mom was coming.
190
00:08:24,353 --> 00:08:26,887
It was in my weekly
e-mail blast.
191
00:08:26,889 --> 00:08:27,788
Right between
192
00:08:27,790 --> 00:08:29,856
"Beet season is finally here"
193
00:08:29,858 --> 00:08:34,061
and "Uh-oh, red stool from
beets leads to cancer scare."
194
00:08:37,031 --> 00:08:39,032
So, how've you been?
195
00:08:39,034 --> 00:08:40,150
Good, good.
196
00:08:40,152 --> 00:08:41,735
I hear that Leonard
has a new girlfriend.
197
00:08:41,737 --> 00:08:43,203
How are you doing
with all that?
198
00:08:43,205 --> 00:08:45,205
Oh, fine. You know,
it's been a while.
199
00:08:45,207 --> 00:08:46,823
I'm getting
back out there.
200
00:08:46,825 --> 00:08:49,326
Let me ask you, when
you get back out there,
201
00:08:49,328 --> 00:08:51,912
are you wearing this?
202
00:08:52,830 --> 00:08:55,532
Well, it's super cute on.
203
00:08:55,534 --> 00:08:57,471
That top has paid for itself
in free drinks like ten
204
00:08:57,496 --> 00:08:58,970
times what it cost.
205
00:08:59,972 --> 00:09:02,539
Yes, Penny has a lot
of her money tied up
206
00:09:02,541 --> 00:09:03,706
in promiscuity futures.
207
00:09:03,708 --> 00:09:06,009
Hon, you think
208
00:09:06,011 --> 00:09:08,762
maybe the reason why
you're having trouble
209
00:09:08,764 --> 00:09:10,597
finding a guy
to settle down with
210
00:09:10,599 --> 00:09:12,933
is because you're letting them
ride the roller coaster
211
00:09:12,935 --> 00:09:15,051
without buying a ticket?
212
00:09:15,053 --> 00:09:18,905
Oh, they don't always get
to ride the roller coaster.
213
00:09:18,907 --> 00:09:22,943
Sometimes they only get
to spin the teacups.
214
00:09:25,713 --> 00:09:27,497
Now I'm going out tonight.
Would it be crazy
215
00:09:27,499 --> 00:09:29,833
to ask you to look at the
outfit I'm going to wear?
216
00:09:29,835 --> 00:09:31,734
Oh, not crazy at all.
217
00:09:31,736 --> 00:09:33,036
And don't beat yourself up.
218
00:09:33,038 --> 00:09:35,789
When I was your age, you could
have me for a car ride
219
00:09:35,791 --> 00:09:37,574
and a bottle
of strawberry wine.
220
00:09:42,063 --> 00:09:45,882
That will not be
in this week's e-mail blast.
221
00:09:47,001 --> 00:09:48,718
So, this spring,
I get to go
222
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:51,588
to the International
Space Station.
223
00:09:51,590 --> 00:09:55,642
Oh, my word,
a trip to the heavens.
224
00:09:56,778 --> 00:09:58,979
If you ever want
to live there eternally,
225
00:09:58,981 --> 00:10:01,281
I've got a good book
you could read.
226
00:10:01,283 --> 00:10:04,201
Thanks, but I watch the
Charlie Brown Christmas special
227
00:10:04,203 --> 00:10:06,119
every year, so I get the gist.
228
00:10:06,121 --> 00:10:08,488
I bet your mom
is really proud of you.
229
00:10:08,490 --> 00:10:09,790
Nope.
230
00:10:09,792 --> 00:10:11,374
She says if I don't back out
231
00:10:11,376 --> 00:10:13,326
she's going to go
on a hunger strike.
232
00:10:13,328 --> 00:10:14,828
It would take years before
233
00:10:14,830 --> 00:10:17,497
she'd be in any kind of danger,
but still.
234
00:10:17,499 --> 00:10:20,383
I've got a treat
for us tomorrow, Mom.
235
00:10:20,385 --> 00:10:21,635
I'm taking you
236
00:10:21,637 --> 00:10:24,387
to see Saul Perlmutter
give a lecture
237
00:10:24,389 --> 00:10:26,423
about his Nobel Prize-winning
work in cosmology.
238
00:10:26,425 --> 00:10:27,757
And the best part is,
239
00:10:27,759 --> 00:10:29,643
at the Q and A afterward,
240
00:10:29,645 --> 00:10:31,178
I've worked up
a couple of "Q's"
241
00:10:31,180 --> 00:10:34,064
that will stump
his sorry "A."
242
00:10:35,099 --> 00:10:36,733
I don't know, Shelly.
243
00:10:36,735 --> 00:10:38,852
I thought we could do
a little sightseeing.
244
00:10:38,854 --> 00:10:41,471
What sight is better
than your little boy
245
00:10:41,473 --> 00:10:43,874
embarrassing a Nobel laureate?
246
00:10:43,876 --> 00:10:45,975
Come on, Sheldon,
we'll take your mom
247
00:10:45,977 --> 00:10:47,661
to see the Hollywood sign,
248
00:10:47,663 --> 00:10:49,479
the wax museum,
the Walk of Fame.
249
00:10:49,481 --> 00:10:51,615
Ooh, maybe
a little Rodeo Drive.
250
00:10:51,617 --> 00:10:54,784
Well, I can't spend
$12,000 on a handbag,
251
00:10:54,786 --> 00:10:56,653
but it's free
to look upon those
252
00:10:56,655 --> 00:10:59,156
who do with righteous
condemnation.
253
00:11:00,791 --> 00:11:02,092
What do you say?
254
00:11:02,094 --> 00:11:04,177
What do I say?
255
00:11:04,179 --> 00:11:06,963
I say you people need
to stop ruining my mom's visit
256
00:11:06,965 --> 00:11:10,934
with your sushi, and your
sadness and your slutty shirts.
257
00:11:10,936 --> 00:11:13,103
Stop it.
258
00:11:16,357 --> 00:11:19,643
He's not talking about your
shirt. Your shirt is fine.
259
00:11:26,906 --> 00:11:28,655
These are delicious.
260
00:11:28,656 --> 00:11:30,940
The trick to pancakes
is bacon grease.
261
00:11:30,942 --> 00:11:33,192
I cook everything in it.
262
00:11:33,194 --> 00:11:35,995
Everything? Aren't you
worried about your health?
263
00:11:35,997 --> 00:11:38,330
Oh, doctors are always
changing their mind.
264
00:11:38,332 --> 00:11:40,032
One week bacon grease
is bad for you.
265
00:11:40,034 --> 00:11:42,918
The next week we're not
getting enough of it.
266
00:11:43,954 --> 00:11:46,205
Good morning, Shelly.
267
00:11:46,207 --> 00:11:50,175
Mom, I want to apologize
for my behavior last night.
268
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:52,544
- Apology accepted.
- Great.
269
00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:54,496
Now, you're going to love
the Perlmutter lecture.
270
00:11:54,498 --> 00:11:57,516
Look, he will be stating
that the universe is older
271
00:11:57,518 --> 00:11:59,134
than 6,000 years,
but I thought
272
00:11:59,136 --> 00:12:00,803
you could stick your
fingers in your ears
273
00:12:00,805 --> 00:12:03,606
and hum "Amazing Grace"
during those parts.
274
00:12:03,608 --> 00:12:06,358
I am still going out
with your friends.
275
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:08,611
But I apologized.
276
00:12:08,613 --> 00:12:12,364
And that was hard for me because
I didn't do anything wrong.
277
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:18,070
Shelly, I hung out with you
in enough dusty lecture halls
278
00:12:18,072 --> 00:12:19,989
while you were growing up.
279
00:12:19,991 --> 00:12:21,206
I want to go sightseeing.
280
00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:22,691
So why don't you
have some pancakes,
281
00:12:22,693 --> 00:12:23,859
get dressed and come with us.
282
00:12:23,861 --> 00:12:27,413
I'm not going,
and you can't make me.
283
00:12:27,415 --> 00:12:31,133
You're right, I can't.
Have a nice day.
284
00:12:31,135 --> 00:12:34,053
Well, I'm going to stand here
until you change your mind.
285
00:12:34,055 --> 00:12:36,305
Well, then you are going
to stand there all day.
286
00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:43,228
I'm just gonna take my bacon
grease and slide over there.
287
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:46,348
I can't believe my own
mother is abandoning me.
288
00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:48,517
I am not abandoning you.
289
00:12:48,519 --> 00:12:50,769
Sheldon, abandoning you
is leaving you in a basket
290
00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:52,071
on a church doorstep.
291
00:12:52,073 --> 00:12:56,742
I am going to Hollywood and
thank a wax Ronald Reagan
292
00:12:56,744 --> 00:12:59,061
for his service
to our country.
293
00:13:01,230 --> 00:13:03,866
We appear to be at a crossroads
in our relationship, Mother.
294
00:13:03,868 --> 00:13:05,501
Well, I guess we are.
295
00:13:05,503 --> 00:13:07,703
Sorry.
Syrup.
296
00:13:08,505 --> 00:13:10,039
All right, Mom.
297
00:13:10,041 --> 00:13:13,008
When you're at the Ripley's
Believe It Or Not Museum,
298
00:13:13,010 --> 00:13:16,411
if they have an exhibit about a
mother who threw away a chance
299
00:13:16,413 --> 00:13:18,580
to spend the day with the
world's most wonderful son,
300
00:13:18,582 --> 00:13:20,299
believe it,
because it's true.
301
00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:25,354
I hadn't...
302
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:29,224
That lecture was
a waste of time.
303
00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:31,143
I made more accurate diagrams
304
00:13:31,145 --> 00:13:33,729
of the expansion of the early
universe on the nursery wall
305
00:13:33,731 --> 00:13:35,764
with the contents
of my diaper.
306
00:13:37,735 --> 00:13:39,401
Are you getting sick?
307
00:13:39,403 --> 00:13:41,653
No, I'm just allergic to people
308
00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:44,573
who get Nobel Prizes
for no good reason.
309
00:13:44,575 --> 00:13:47,659
Sheldon, is it possible
that your foul mood--
310
00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:51,964
or, to use the clinical
term, bitchiness--
311
00:13:51,966 --> 00:13:54,717
is because your mother
isn't making you a priority?
312
00:13:54,719 --> 00:13:59,922
No. Or to use the
clinical term, "nuh-uh""
313
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,808
Are you sure?
The infant-mother pair-bond
314
00:14:02,810 --> 00:14:04,193
is the building block
of primate psychology.
315
00:14:04,195 --> 00:14:05,310
Oh, there it is.
316
00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:07,262
It always comes back
to monkeys with you.
317
00:14:07,264 --> 00:14:10,298
Just monkeys,
monkeys, monkeys.
318
00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:12,518
Sheldon, we're all animals.
319
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:15,070
And granted, there are aspects
of you that are extraordinary,
320
00:14:15,072 --> 00:14:17,472
but when it comes to
emotions and relationships,
321
00:14:17,474 --> 00:14:18,774
you're just like everybody else.
322
00:14:18,776 --> 00:14:21,860
Are you trying to suggest
that my emotional problems
323
00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:25,664
are no different than
those of a stupid person?
324
00:14:25,666 --> 00:14:27,750
Actually, some research
indicates
325
00:14:27,752 --> 00:14:29,034
that by not overthinking,
326
00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:31,170
the less intelligent
handle emotions better.
327
00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:35,758
Sure you're not coming
down with a cold?
328
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:37,843
Oh, yes, the common cold.
329
00:14:37,845 --> 00:14:38,961
Just like everyone else.
330
00:14:38,963 --> 00:14:40,345
You'd love that,
wouldn't you?
331
00:14:42,766 --> 00:14:45,634
Oh, this one's sweet.
332
00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:48,971
You know,
for your rosary rattlers.
333
00:14:48,973 --> 00:14:54,693
Mrs. Cooper, we say "Catholics""
not "rosary rattlers."
334
00:14:54,695 --> 00:14:56,645
My goodness, it's a wonder
you people in California
335
00:14:56,647 --> 00:14:57,980
can talk at all.
336
00:14:59,532 --> 00:15:01,400
This is like the
worst Hollywood tour ever.
337
00:15:01,402 --> 00:15:03,485
What are we gonna do?
She wanted to see churches.
338
00:15:03,487 --> 00:15:06,405
Hey, they have wine
here, don't they?
339
00:15:08,858 --> 00:15:12,527
None of our gods
have abs like that.
340
00:15:12,529 --> 00:15:15,397
Yep, that's the last
Jew who did sit-ups.
341
00:15:16,532 --> 00:15:19,134
And look where it got him.
342
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:23,472
Hey, while we're here, why
don't we all do some praying?
343
00:15:23,474 --> 00:15:25,607
Let's put a little
church in this church.
344
00:15:25,609 --> 00:15:27,042
Oh, I'm not sure we should...
345
00:15:27,044 --> 00:15:29,211
It's easy.
I'll show you how.
346
00:15:29,213 --> 00:15:30,813
Lord, Mary Cooper here.
347
00:15:30,815 --> 00:15:34,266
Coming to you from
Gomorrah, California.
348
00:15:34,268 --> 00:15:35,934
I want to thank you
349
00:15:35,936 --> 00:15:38,687
for the blessing that
is my little Shelly.
350
00:15:38,689 --> 00:15:41,573
I also want to thank you
for the continued strength
351
00:15:41,575 --> 00:15:44,743
not to coldcock him
with my Bible.
352
00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:48,396
All right, Penny, your turn.
353
00:15:48,398 --> 00:15:50,165
Okay, um...
354
00:15:50,167 --> 00:15:51,166
Hey, God.
355
00:15:51,168 --> 00:15:53,836
What's up?
356
00:15:53,838 --> 00:15:57,256
Um, I'm good, but, uh, it would
be a big help to my family
357
00:15:57,258 --> 00:15:59,458
if you could get my brother
to stop cooking meth.
358
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:05,013
But no cops. Be cool.
359
00:16:06,516 --> 00:16:10,252
She also goes a little overboard
on the "love thy neighbor."
360
00:16:10,254 --> 00:16:13,856
Could probably use that chat
you had with Mary Magdalene.
361
00:16:13,858 --> 00:16:15,858
Leonard, you're up.
362
00:16:15,860 --> 00:16:17,726
Wasserman, you're on deck.
363
00:16:17,728 --> 00:16:19,444
Okay. I don't know...
364
00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:24,533
it's probably a little late
to ask you to make me taller.
365
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:31,123
Oh, um... if you could help
out with me and my girlfriend.
366
00:16:31,125 --> 00:16:33,375
She's all the way in India.
That would be great.
367
00:16:33,377 --> 00:16:34,626
Hear that? Girl trouble.
368
00:16:34,628 --> 00:16:37,412
Turns out we were both wrong
on that front.
369
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,301
How about you?
370
00:16:42,303 --> 00:16:43,669
Oh, me? No.
Thanks, I'm good.
371
00:16:43,671 --> 00:16:47,455
I'm really just trying not
to burst into flames.
372
00:16:49,726 --> 00:16:51,176
Rajesh?
373
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:57,566
He says he's having trouble
dropping those last five pounds.
374
00:16:57,568 --> 00:17:01,570
Huh, I might have gone with
the talking-to-girls thing.
375
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:05,157
No, you only get one wish.
376
00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:25,811
Look at the two of us.
377
00:17:25,813 --> 00:17:28,830
Me, a highly
regarded physicist.
378
00:17:28,832 --> 00:17:31,016
The kind of mind that
comes along once,
379
00:17:31,018 --> 00:17:33,101
maybe twice in a generation.
380
00:17:33,103 --> 00:17:35,503
You, the common man,
381
00:17:35,505 --> 00:17:39,141
tired from your labors
as a stockbroker,
382
00:17:39,143 --> 00:17:43,345
or vacuum cleaner salesman,
or bootblack.
383
00:17:44,847 --> 00:17:47,515
But deep down inside...
384
00:17:47,517 --> 00:17:50,152
apparently we're just
two peas in a pod.
385
00:17:50,154 --> 00:17:53,205
A regular pea,
386
00:17:53,207 --> 00:17:55,874
and the kind of pea
that comes along once,
387
00:17:55,876 --> 00:17:58,243
maybe twice in a generation.
388
00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:03,698
Rain.
389
00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:06,134
Another great equalizer.
390
00:18:06,136 --> 00:18:08,003
Falling on the head
of the brilliant
391
00:18:08,005 --> 00:18:10,138
and the unremarkable alike.
392
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,381
Smarty-pants.
393
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:25,220
Oh, Mrs. Cooper,
it smells so good.
394
00:18:25,222 --> 00:18:26,438
You take notes, darlin'.
395
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,857
The real way to get a man
is with melted cheese
396
00:18:28,859 --> 00:18:30,659
and cream of mushroom soup.
397
00:18:30,661 --> 00:18:34,329
He'll die at 50 but
his love will be true.
398
00:18:39,002 --> 00:18:41,236
I need a tissue.
This one got wet.
399
00:18:44,407 --> 00:18:45,624
Here.
400
00:18:45,626 --> 00:18:49,177
Thank you. Yeah, I've
learned something today.
401
00:18:49,179 --> 00:18:53,048
You and I, in so many ways,
402
00:18:53,050 --> 00:18:56,351
other than intelligence and
what counts, we're the same.
403
00:18:58,588 --> 00:19:01,189
Sweetheart, are you sick?
404
00:19:01,191 --> 00:19:04,092
I hope so, because if this is
well, life isn't worth living.
405
00:19:04,094 --> 00:19:07,396
Oh, sugarpie,
you are burning up.
406
00:19:07,398 --> 00:19:09,648
- We've got to get you to bed.
- Okay.
407
00:19:09,650 --> 00:19:12,100
Don't worry. Mama's here
to take care of her baby.
408
00:19:12,102 --> 00:19:16,204
And just to be clear,
only her baby
409
00:19:16,206 --> 00:19:17,489
and not these other people.
410
00:19:17,491 --> 00:19:19,441
Of course.
411
00:19:19,443 --> 00:19:22,878
Can I have tea with honey and
toast with the crust cut off?
412
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:25,497
You can have
whatever you want.
413
00:19:25,499 --> 00:19:28,383
Thanks, Mom.
You're the best.
414
00:19:39,740 --> 00:19:41,653
Boy, last time I put
VapoRub on you,
415
00:19:41,654 --> 00:19:44,605
you didn't have hair
on your chest.
416
00:19:44,607 --> 00:19:47,909
I know, it filled in last year.
417
00:19:49,962 --> 00:19:52,880
I didn't get to spend a lot of
time with you on this visit.
418
00:19:52,882 --> 00:19:54,966
And whose fault was that?
419
00:19:55,784 --> 00:19:57,952
Yours.
420
00:19:59,137 --> 00:20:01,305
Shelly, you're not eight
years old anymore.
421
00:20:01,307 --> 00:20:03,224
We have to have
a different relationship.
422
00:20:03,226 --> 00:20:05,142
No, we don't.
423
00:20:05,144 --> 00:20:06,644
The one we have
works great.
424
00:20:06,646 --> 00:20:08,346
Sweetheart, you are a grown man.
425
00:20:08,348 --> 00:20:10,798
Or maybe I'm part of
a new species,
426
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,683
that lives for
hundreds of years,
427
00:20:12,685 --> 00:20:15,770
which means I'm still
basically a toddler.
428
00:20:15,772 --> 00:20:18,973
Oh, I so should have
taken you to Houston.
429
00:20:22,578 --> 00:20:24,996
Does this mean you're not
going to sing "Soft Kitty"?
430
00:20:24,998 --> 00:20:28,616
No, I will always
sing you "Soft Kitty."
431
00:20:29,668 --> 00:20:32,987
♪ Soft kitty, warm kitty ♪
432
00:20:32,989 --> 00:20:35,256
♪ Little ball of fur... ♪
433
00:20:35,258 --> 00:20:37,157
Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to
take that pie out of the oven?
434
00:20:37,159 --> 00:20:39,961
Get out!
435
00:20:41,096 --> 00:20:42,096
Well, that was rude.
436
00:20:42,098 --> 00:20:45,332
Well, I know,
but he means well.
437
00:20:46,334 --> 00:20:47,635
Sing.
438
00:20:47,637 --> 00:20:51,188
♪ Happy kitty, sleepy kitty... ♪
439
00:20:51,190 --> 00:20:52,907
What are you trying
to pull, Mom?
440
00:20:52,909 --> 00:20:55,476
From the top.
441
00:20:55,478 --> 00:20:59,146
This is what I'm talking about.
442
00:20:59,148 --> 00:21:01,949
♪ Soft kitty, warm kitty,
little ball of fur... ♪
443
00:21:01,951 --> 00:21:05,951
== sync, corrected by elderman ==