This movie baffles me every time we watch it.
What do you mean?
The instructions are very clear:
"Don't feed the Gremlins after midnight."
"Don't get the Gremlins wet."
How hard is that?
(door opening)
Hi, guys.
Hi, honey.
Hey.
Ooh, we're "honey" now, are we?
Yes. Since their relationship became carnal,
Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment,
thus distinguishing him from those she calls "sweetie",
usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.
You're boring people sweetie.
Although, sometimes, she omits the veil entirely.
So, what are you guys doing?
Celebrating Columbus day.
We're watching "Goonies", "Gremlins" and "Young Sherlock Holmes".
They're all written by Chris Columbus.
Okay.
What do you watch on Thanksgiving?
The parade.
Oh, you know, that reminds me--
I usually go back to Nebraska for Thanksgiving,
but this year they're calling it off
on account of my brother's trial.
What's he on trial for?
Oh, just a big misunderstanding.
You know, you'd actually like my brother.
He's kind of a chemist.
Anyway, I was thinking I'd have Thanksgiving here,
and you are all invited.
Oh. I'll be there.
Will you be serving cranberry jelly
Or cranberry sauce?
I guess I could serve both.
You guess? I don't seem to have much of a handle on this.
Yeah, I really wish I could, Penny, but every year,
Mother has all the relatives over and cooks up
her famous "Tur-briska-fil".
"Tur-briska-fil"?
Turkey stuffed with a brisket stuffed with gefilte fish.
It's not as good as it sounds.
Raj, what about you?
Oh, he usually comes to my house. Right, pal?
All right, this year, you don't have to
eat the tur-briska-fil.
(chuckles)
I don't even chew it.
I swallow it like pills.
So, what's going on with Raj?
Well, the good news is,
He has no problem with my mother's "Tur-brka-fil".
Hard to believe, but go on.
The bad news is, he says he'getting deported.
Leonard: What do you mean,
"He's getting deported"?
I believe it means that the u.S. Government
Is going to expel him from the country.
He could then either return to his native India,
emigrate to another country that's willing to accept him
or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate.
Personally, I'd choose pirate.
Penny, would you mind stepping outside
so we can speak to him?
(groans) Fine.
But the man really needs to work on his girl issues.
Another reason to consider life of piracy.
Even today, I understand that's an all-male profession.
Okay, she's gone.
Sorry. I lost my cool.
So, what's going on?
Okay, here's the deal:
Six months ago, my research testing
the predicted composition of trans-neptunian objects
ran into a dead end.
So? So, my visa's only good as long as I'm
employed, and when they find out I've got squat,
They're going to cut me off.
By the way, when I say squat, I mean diddly-squat.
I wish I had squat.
So, wait, what have you been doing for the past six months?
You know, checking e-mail,
updating my Facebook status,
messing up Wikipedia entries.
Hey, did you know Netflix
lets you stream movies on your computer now?
And you've continued to take the university's money
under false pretenses?
Highly unethical for an astrophysicist.
Although practically mandatory for a pirate.
I don't want to go back to India.
It's hot and loud, and there's so many people.
You have no idea-- they're everywhere.
Okay, guys, think.
How do we keep Raj in the country?
Penny: Why doesn't he just get another job?
What are you asking me for?
I don't know if you can talk now or not.
Oh, beef...
I'm going to miss you so much.
Do you know, at the Mumbai McDonald's,
you can't get a Big Mac?
All you can get is a Chicken Maharaja Mac.
And the Special Sauce--
curry-- which, in India, believe you me,
is really not that special.
Don't worry, you'll find another job.
Yeah let me start practicing for it.
"Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?"
Sheldon: Hi, Leonard.
Hello, Raj.
Hello Sheldon.
Forgive me, as you know, I'm not adept at reading facial cues,
but I'm going to take a stab here:
You're either sad or nauseated.
I'm sad.
I was going to say sad.
I don't know why I hedged.
What are you eating?
Elbow macaroni with ground hamburger and tomato sauce.
Oh, "Beefaroni".
I think I'll miss you most of all.
I've always been a little confused about this.
Why don't Hindus eat beef?
We believe cows are Gods.
Not technically.
In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.
Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon!
In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out-- I swear to cow!
I'm sorry.
Me, too.
I'm just... I'm a little on edge.
Understandable.
Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you,
and your future appears bleak at best.
Thank you.
And you're wrong about Hinduism and cows.
Hey, Raj, guess what.
Professor Laughlin is looking for someone to join
the Stellar Evolution Research Team.
You-you're kidding! That's fantastic! What are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview!
I'm on it.
That's happy, right?
Yeah. Nailed it.
Dr. Koothrappali, come on in.
I was surprised to hear you were interested
in joining our little team.
Giving up on those trans-neptunian objects, are we?
No, no; it's a very promising area.
In a perfect world I'd spend seven more years on it.
But I just couldn't pass up the opportunity
to work with you on your tremendously exciting
and not yet conclusively disproved hypothesis.
Splendid.
Uh, please sit down.
Can I offer you a sherry?
It's a little early, isn't it?
Not on Proxima Centauri.
(chuckles)
(laughing): That's very good.
Jolly amusing, but if you don't mind,
I'll hold off until sunset on Titan.
(laughs) well done.
I have a fling you're going
To fit in just fine, dr. Koothrappali.
Thank you, sir.
(knock at door)
I'm sorry.
Am I late?
No, no, no. Right on time.
Dr. Koothrappali, may I present
Dr. Millstone from M.I.T.
She'll be heading up our data analysis team.
It's nice to meet you, Dr. Koothrappali.
I read your paper on Kuiper Belt object size distribution.
I really enjoy it.
How did you correct for the selection bias?
Well, I ran a simulation that allowed me
to correct for the observational efficiency.
That's just fascinating.
Thank you.
Would you like to hear more about it in my hot tub?
So, when do I start?
What do you mean you didn't get the job?
How could you not get it?
You know... He's British; I'm Indian.
Ever since Gandhi they haven't liked us very much.
Wait, are you saying that he discriminated against you?
Because we should file a complaint.
That's okay.
A complaint has been filed.
So, that's it.
That was my last hope.
I'm going to be deported,
Sent home in disgrace,
Exposed to the sardonic barb of my cousin Sanjay.
Or, as you may know him, "Dave" from AT&T customer service.
I'm really going to miss you.
Will you come visit me in India?
Gee, that's, like, a 17-hour flight.
How about I meet you halfway?
Halfway is 600 miles off the coast of Japan.
Tell you what, we'll Skype.
Gentlemen.
Leonard: Hey. Raj,
Did you get the job with Professor Laughlin?
No. I assumed as much.
But never fear.
like the subordinate male protagonist
in countless action movies
who disappears half way through the second reel,
I have returned to save the day.
Odd.
Usually, he's met by cheers.
Anyway,
I was thinking about exploring
the string theory implications
Of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations,
And it occurred to me that I could benefit--
Excuse me, Sheldon.
How many reels before the subordine male protagonist
Gets to his point?
I'm sorry-- if you didn't cheer at my entrance,
it's too late to buy into the premise.
Anyway, I got some extra money
from the head of the department,
and Raj can come work for me.
You want me to work with you?
For me.
You're going to have to listen
more carefully when you're on the job.
Okay, uh, please don't take this the wrong way,
but I'd rather swim buck-naked across the Ganges
with a paper cut on my nipple
and die a slow, agonizing death
from a viral infection than work with you.
For me.
(knock at door)
Sheldon, are you busy?
Of course I'm busy.
Shall I wait?
How may I help you?
I've reconsider your offer to let me work with you.
For me
Yes, for you.
I do, however, have a few conditions.
First, at all times,
I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal.
Second, my contributions shall be noted
in all published material.
And third, you are never allowed to lecture me
on Hinduism or my Indian culture.
I'm impressed, Raj.
Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.
Thank you.
Then you leave me no choice.
I accept the job.
I'm sorry, I believe you've misunderstood.
I'm not giving you the job.
I'm simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it.
Have a seat; we'll get started with the interview.
Wha... You're kidding!
Please.
(sighs) All right.
(annoyed sigh)
So... (sighs)
That's what you wear to an interview?
Come on, dude, we've been friends for years.
Oh, pulling strings, are we?
Sheldon, for God's sake, don't make me beg.
Bazinga!
You've fallen victim
to another one of my classic practical jokes.
I'm your boss now. You may want to laugh at that.
Ah, nice having the place to ourselves, isn't it?
Uh-huh.
Now that Raj is working for Sheldon,
I don't have to chauffeur him around anymore.
Plus, yeah, with them working late so much,
We get some privacy.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, want to get a little crazy?
What are you thinking?
Let's slide over to Sheldon's spot a make out.
You are a dirty girl.
(knocking on door)
Oh God, how did he know?
Hello.
Hi, Howard. (wry laugh)
Am I interrupting?
Little bit, yeah.
Guess I should have called.
Yeah, maybe.
(sighs)
(clicking tongue)
Tonight's the night I usually go line dancing
With Raj at The Palomino.
Uh-huh.
But he's working with Sheldon.
Yes, we know.
Want me to leave?
You know, whatever.
Okay, I guess I can hang for a little while.
So what are we watching?
"Sex and the City". Yikes.
Hey, I happen to love this movie.
Fine, let's watch it.
Maybe all our periods will synchronize.
All right, we're going to be designing an experiment
to look for the nihilation spectrum
resulting from dark matter collisions in space.
Ooh, dark matter.
We better bring a flashlight.
(chuckles)
I was making a joke.
I'm the boss.
I make the jokes.
Sorry, go ahead and make your joke.
This is not the time for joking.
We're doing serious research,
which requires complete and utter focus.
All right, let's buckle down and work.
("Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor playing)
(Music stops) Sheldon.
What? I need an aspirin.
Top desk drawer.
Thank you. Alright?
Yes. Good.
("Eye of the Tiger" resumes)
That was fun.
Thank you.
Leonard, honey, you don't have to say thank you
every time we have sex.
Oh. Okay.
Tomorrow you're going to get a card in the mail.
Just throw it away.
(clattering)
(In Irish brogue) Top o' the mornin'o ya!
What are you doing here?
Well, usually, on Sundays, I go with Raj
to scam on hippie chicks at the farmers' market,
but he's still working with Sheldon,
so I thought I'd come over here
and make you guys scrambled eggs and salami.
It's the perfect meal for après l'amour.
Oh, kill me.
By the way, I couldn't help overhearing your big finish.
Bravo, Leonard.
See, if you had killed me when I said "kill me",
I wouldn't have had to hear that. (stammers)
What do you guys think?
Want to take in a matinee,
maybe go rollerblading,
catch a step class?
Do something.
Okay.
Um, Howard, we need to talk.
Sure. 'Sup, homes?
Uh... Please understand
that it's not that we don't want you around,
but Penny and I occasionally need some...
alone time.
Oh.
I-I get it, I'm the third wheel.
(chuckles)
Sorry, i should have seen that.
I'll get out of your way.
Uh, you're gonna want
to eat those eggs while they're still hot.
Thank you.
There's blocks and cream cheese in the fridge.
The bagels are in the oven.
That's great.
I'm just going to hang out with my mom.
That's always fun.
Good.
Are we terrible people?
I don't know.
What do you want me to do?
(stammers)
G-get him; bring him back.
Are you sure?
Yeah. Okay.
Howard come back.
Oh, you guys had me scared for a minute.
No, no, no, no!
That rate is much too low
from what we'd expect from this collision.
Do you understand
we're talking about dark matter
colliding in outer space?
Of course I understand.
And who are you to tell me about outer space?
I'm the astrophysicist.
"Astro" means "space".
"Astro" means "star".
Okay, well, let me just tell you,
if we we having this argument
in my native language, I'd be kicking your butt.
English is your native language.
Okay, you got me there, but you're wrong about this!
There is a fine line between wrong and visionary.
Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it.
My God, you think that every thought
that comes out of your head is pure gold.
Well, let me tell you something.
Some of those thoughts are pure caca!
Caca?!
It means "doo-doo"!
All right!
First of all, Dr. Koothrappali,
when I first proposed that you work with me...
Aha! So I am working with you!
In this context, "with me" means "for me".
Ah, well, in this context...
Oh!
If I'm wrong, prove it.
Okay.
Here's where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle.
You've misstated the atomic weight of the target.
Let me finish. You're defacing work.
I'm not defacing it, I'm fixing it.
Give me the eraser. No.
I said give it to me.
Come and get it.
Fine.
Oh lord.
Dr. Koothrappali,
As your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board!
You are not my superior.
I am in every way.
Oh, yeah?
Can you do this?
Nice working with you.
I'm sorry-- for you.
Raj...
Raj... Raj...
I'm busy.
Doing what?
All right, you've made your point.
What do you want, Sheldon?
I looked over the board
and it turns out you were right.
So you were wrong. I didn't say that.
That's the only logical inference.
Nevertheless, I didn't say it.
Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me.
For you or with you?
In this context "for me" could mean "with me."
All right, but I have some conditions.
I reject them all. I'll take the job.
See you Monday.
Wait, you have to drive me home.
How did you get here? I walked.
So walk home. I can't.
There's a big dog outside.
On the way home, we can start thinking
About methods of optimizing the detector
For 500 G.E.V particles.
All right.
("Eye of the Tiger" playing)
[Subtitles by: Certifiable]