1
00:00:02,364 --> 00:00:05,684
All right, Raj has played
his phantom warlord card,
2
00:00:06,427 --> 00:00:08,662
and I am going to back him up
3
00:00:08,787 --> 00:00:10,807
with my strangling vines.
4
00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:13,492
Choke on that, sucka.
5
00:00:15,436 --> 00:00:19,436
Okay, well, then I'll just cut
your vines with my ruby sword.
6
00:00:19,970 --> 00:00:22,130
That's right, I did it. I cut 'em.
7
00:00:26,895 --> 00:00:28,318
I have a question.
8
00:00:29,549 --> 00:00:32,952
Warlord beats troll, troll beats elf,
elf beats water sprite,
9
00:00:33,077 --> 00:00:35,587
and basically everything
beats enchanted bunny.
10
00:00:36,707 --> 00:00:38,489
Unless you have the carrot opower.
11
00:00:40,049 --> 00:00:41,944
Okay, I've got another question.
12
00:00:42,503 --> 00:00:44,167
When does this get fun?
13
00:00:45,202 --> 00:00:48,686
Are we going to talk or are we going
to play "Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah"?
14
00:00:49,648 --> 00:00:51,382
Just play potion card.
15
00:00:51,553 --> 00:00:52,550
Which one?
16
00:00:53,010 --> 00:00:55,226
It doesn't matter.
You can't possibly win.
17
00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:58,657
- Sheldon, don't ruin the game.
- How could he ruin the game?
18
00:00:58,782 --> 00:01:00,432
Given the cards
that have been played,
19
00:01:00,604 --> 00:01:02,497
Penny can only be holding
necromancer potions,
20
00:01:02,622 --> 00:01:04,822
which are only effective against
wraiths and day- walkers,
21
00:01:04,947 --> 00:01:06,481
and there are no more left.
22
00:01:06,652 --> 00:01:08,484
The cards remaining in
the undrawn stack are:
23
00:01:08,699 --> 00:01:12,614
four fire weapons, a troll,
two ogres and the jewel of osiris.
24
00:01:13,372 --> 00:01:14,372
See? Ruined.
25
00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:17,993
Sheldon, that is incredible.
26
00:01:18,551 --> 00:01:21,203
From your vantage point,
it certainly must seem so.
27
00:01:22,135 --> 00:01:24,414
Sheldon has kind of
a photographic memory.
28
00:01:24,586 --> 00:01:26,256
"Photographic" is a misnomer.
29
00:01:26,381 --> 00:01:29,360
I have an eidetic memory,
as I've told you many times.
30
00:01:29,485 --> 00:01:32,923
Most recently last year during lunch
on the afternoon of may seventh.
31
00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:36,761
You had turkey
and complained it was dry.
32
00:01:37,392 --> 00:01:38,847
Well, I guess game's over.
33
00:01:39,057 --> 00:01:40,457
Really? Oh, great.
34
00:01:42,169 --> 00:01:43,260
I mean, aw.
35
00:01:45,245 --> 00:01:47,268
- Okay, I gotta go.
- Why?
36
00:01:47,393 --> 00:01:48,815
Because the last me I didn't go,
37
00:01:48,984 --> 00:01:51,609
I ended up playing
"Mystic Warlords of Ka."
38
00:01:51,822 --> 00:01:53,661
Not "Ka. Ka-ah. "
39
00:01:55,289 --> 00:01:56,289
Buh-eye.
40
00:01:57,244 --> 00:01:58,244
See ya.
41
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:02,453
Still can't believe
she's going out with me.
42
00:02:02,665 --> 00:02:03,665
Nobody can.
43
00:02:05,799 --> 00:02:08,125
That reminds me
I have a bone to pick with you.
44
00:02:08,296 --> 00:02:10,823
- What?
- You and I made a pact
45
00:02:10,948 --> 00:02:13,165
that if either of us
ever got a hot girlfriend,
46
00:02:13,290 --> 00:02:15,966
that person would have his girlfriend
hook the other guy up
47
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,613
with one of her girlfriends.
48
00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:19,421
I don't remember that.
49
00:02:19,745 --> 00:02:21,802
June 30th, 2004.
50
00:02:23,092 --> 00:02:25,942
Opening day of Spider-Man 2
at the AMC Pasadena.
51
00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:28,328
They only had red icees, no blue.
52
00:02:31,167 --> 00:02:33,636
So you've been with Penny
for like a month and a half now.
53
00:02:33,761 --> 00:02:35,236
Where's my shorty, morty?
54
00:02:36,474 --> 00:02:38,547
Howard, you can't hold me to that.
55
00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:40,604
- Why not?
- When I made that agreement,
56
00:02:40,729 --> 00:02:44,537
I didn't think I'd ever have one.
And I was positive you never would.
57
00:02:46,326 --> 00:02:48,196
Hey, how come
I wasn't part of this deal?
58
00:02:48,321 --> 00:02:50,446
You had left the refreshment stand
in order to indulge
59
00:02:50,571 --> 00:02:53,292
in your customary
preemptive pre-show urination.
60
00:02:54,449 --> 00:02:55,673
So that's how it works?
61
00:02:55,844 --> 00:02:58,476
I have a teeny bladder
and I don't get a hot girlfriend?
62
00:02:59,644 --> 00:03:01,280
Yeah, Raj.
That's how it works.
63
00:03:03,008 --> 00:03:04,008
Damn.
64
00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:07,977
Episode 305:
The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary
65
00:03:08,145 --> 00:03:10,045
Sync: Golgi, Jess, Linwelin
66
00:03:33,361 --> 00:03:34,547
Can I have a napkin?
67
00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:36,611
I'm sorry, no.
68
00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:39,802
But you have whole bunch of 'em.
69
00:03:40,110 --> 00:03:42,993
Yes, I've moved
to a four-napkin system.
70
00:03:43,673 --> 00:03:46,976
Lap, hands, face
and personal emergency.
71
00:03:48,389 --> 00:03:51,599
If you like, starting tomorrow,
I'll add a guest napkin,
72
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:54,775
but I'afraid there's nothing
I can do for you today.
73
00:03:58,315 --> 00:04:00,448
Good luck.
That's the face napkin.
74
00:04:02,541 --> 00:04:04,159
So, have you talked to Penny yet?
75
00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:05,411
No, I haven't.
76
00:04:05,714 --> 00:04:06,724
Why not?
77
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:09,498
Because I've been busy, I haven't
figured out a way to bring it up,
78
00:04:09,858 --> 00:04:12,773
and mostly... and I can't
stress how key this is...
79
00:04:13,015 --> 00:04:15,211
Because I don't want to.
80
00:04:15,381 --> 00:04:18,662
Leonard, a pact is a pact.
You have to get Penny to fix me up.
81
00:04:18,969 --> 00:04:20,763
It's not simple.
What am I supposed to say?
82
00:04:20,888 --> 00:04:23,637
"Penny, do you have any friends
you'd like to never hear from again?"
83
00:04:24,243 --> 00:04:26,040
Come on, I'm smart,
84
00:04:26,165 --> 00:04:29,815
I have good job and I have
only three percent body fat.
85
00:04:30,828 --> 00:04:33,924
It's true. I've seen him at the beach.
He's like a human chicken wing.
86
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:36,723
Leonard, come on.
87
00:04:37,304 --> 00:04:39,153
Fine. I'll ask
if she has a friend for you.
88
00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:40,321
Hot friend.
89
00:04:41,113 --> 00:04:42,350
- Right.
- And tall.
90
00:04:42,475 --> 00:04:45,684
I want our kids to be able to ride
space mountain before they're 20.
91
00:04:46,861 --> 00:04:48,412
I wanti'll see what I can do.
92
00:04:49,221 --> 00:04:50,539
Sheldon, guess what I heard?
93
00:04:51,112 --> 00:04:53,600
I'd imagine you heard
any number of things today.
94
00:04:53,725 --> 00:04:57,046
When you arrived, you heard
"Hello, Raj. How are you, Raj?"
95
00:04:57,399 --> 00:05:00,211
Since you're wearing a new sweater-vest,
you may have heard "New sweater-vest?"
96
00:05:00,336 --> 00:05:03,177
and possibly, though far less likely,
"Nice sweater-vest. "
97
00:05:04,695 --> 00:05:06,722
Why don't I just tell you
what I heard today.
98
00:05:07,124 --> 00:05:09,248
That would probably
save us some time.
99
00:05:10,286 --> 00:05:13,562
Saturday, at comic book store, there's
a "Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah" tournament.
100
00:05:13,807 --> 00:05:16,023
First prize is $500.
101
00:05:16,356 --> 00:05:17,941
If we team up, we'd be unstoppable.
102
00:05:18,111 --> 00:05:19,771
I'm sorry, Raj,
but I have no interest
103
00:05:19,896 --> 00:05:22,196
in playing a game
in which I find no challenge.
104
00:05:22,473 --> 00:05:24,573
- What about the money?
- I have money.
105
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,325
This is other money.
106
00:05:26,935 --> 00:05:28,744
How does it differ
from the money I have?
107
00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:30,955
Half of it will be mine.
108
00:05:31,615 --> 00:05:34,374
Do you need it to buy
a less disturbing sweater-vest?
109
00:05:37,662 --> 00:05:39,333
- Leonard, help.
- Are you kidding?
110
00:05:39,458 --> 00:05:42,787
I couldn't even talk him into giving me
one of his freakin' napkins.
111
00:05:47,719 --> 00:05:49,612
You really are a genius.
112
00:05:51,260 --> 00:05:52,342
Not really.
113
00:05:52,763 --> 00:05:54,352
I Googled how to do that.
114
00:05:57,604 --> 00:05:59,525
So, listen...
115
00:06:01,266 --> 00:06:03,766
Have you ever made a pact
with someone?
116
00:06:04,532 --> 00:06:05,948
You mean like a pinky swear?
117
00:06:07,445 --> 00:06:09,495
Okay, fine, like a pinky swear.
118
00:06:10,378 --> 00:06:12,551
In the first grade,
my friend Rosie and I
119
00:06:12,676 --> 00:06:14,585
made a pact to marry Bert and Ernie.
120
00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:18,961
- You know, from Sesame Street?
- I'm familiar with Bert and Ernie.
121
00:06:19,928 --> 00:06:22,224
Then we found out
we both wanted Ernie.
122
00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:24,675
We didn't speak against
until middle school.
123
00:06:25,499 --> 00:06:26,510
Over puppets?
124
00:06:26,716 --> 00:06:29,764
The heart wants
what the heart wants, Leonard.
125
00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:34,630
Speaking of what the heart wants...
126
00:06:35,191 --> 00:06:38,453
A long time ago,
I made a pact with Wolowitz
127
00:06:38,578 --> 00:06:40,357
that kind of involves you.
128
00:06:50,591 --> 00:06:52,494
I don't know where
you're going with this,
129
00:06:52,619 --> 00:06:56,504
but tread carefully because it may be
the last conversation we ever have.
130
00:06:59,364 --> 00:07:01,047
Nothing like that.
131
00:07:01,172 --> 00:07:04,160
The deal was that if either
of us ever got a girlfriend,
132
00:07:04,285 --> 00:07:07,009
we'd have her fix the other one
up with one of her friends.
133
00:07:07,602 --> 00:07:10,471
You thought a good time to bring this up
would be right after sex?
134
00:07:11,883 --> 00:07:15,083
I sure as hell
wasn't going to bring it up before sex
135
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:20,439
And during, I was trying to remember
what I read on Google, so...
136
00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:25,822
I'm not hooking Wolowitz up
with one of my friends.
137
00:07:26,406 --> 00:07:28,131
It doesn't have to be a good friend.
138
00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:33,479
And you know that deep down inside,
Howard's a really nice guy.
139
00:07:33,704 --> 00:07:36,104
The problem isn't
what's on the inside.
140
00:07:36,432 --> 00:07:38,492
It's the creepy candy coating.
141
00:07:40,674 --> 00:07:42,824
Will you at least think about it?
142
00:07:43,045 --> 00:07:44,421
Just as a favor to me?
143
00:07:47,077 --> 00:07:50,178
Great thing about Ernie,
was he never asked me for anything.
144
00:07:51,532 --> 00:07:53,208
He just gave.
145
00:07:56,095 --> 00:07:57,371
Got it. Got it.
146
00:08:01,474 --> 00:08:02,930
Betty and Veronica?
147
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:08,779
Sheldon, the new Greenlantern
figurine's coming in tomorrow.
148
00:08:08,948 --> 00:08:11,227
- Want me to set one aside for you?
- Thank you.
149
00:08:11,352 --> 00:08:14,935
You just robbed me ofhe opportunity
to stumble upon the figurine
150
00:08:15,060 --> 00:08:19,064
and make the oh-so-satisfying journey
from discovery to desire to possession.
151
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,959
- I won't set one aside for you.
- But I must have it.
152
00:08:22,359 --> 00:08:25,009
- Okay I'll set one aside for you.
- Thank you.
153
00:08:25,230 --> 00:08:28,607
I can buy all these things online.
I come here for the personal service.
154
00:08:33,095 --> 00:08:35,791
Is the Wil Wheaton signed up
for the Mystic Warlords tournament
155
00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:37,558
the Wil Wheaton from Star Trek?
156
00:08:38,216 --> 00:08:39,810
He lives around here. Big gamer.
157
00:08:40,101 --> 00:08:41,205
Excuse me.
158
00:08:41,439 --> 00:08:43,194
Are you saying that Wil Wheaton
159
00:08:43,319 --> 00:08:47,008
AKA ensign Wesley Crusher
on Star Trek: The Next Generation
160
00:08:47,133 --> 00:08:48,902
is going to be participating?
161
00:08:49,393 --> 00:08:53,198
Sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity
to stumble onto that for yourself?
162
00:08:54,661 --> 00:08:55,996
You don't understand.
163
00:08:56,121 --> 00:08:58,429
Growing up,
I idolizedle Wil Wheaton.
164
00:08:58,554 --> 00:09:01,751
Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory
just like me.
165
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:05,919
Maybe you can discuss that with him
while you're playing in the tournament.
166
00:09:06,089 --> 00:09:08,088
- Sign here.
- I was such a fan
167
00:09:08,258 --> 00:09:11,282
that in 1995,
I traveled ten hours by bus
168
00:09:11,407 --> 00:09:13,429
to a sci-fi convention
in Jakson, Mississippi,
169
00:09:13,554 --> 00:09:15,929
wearing my Star Flee Academy
cadet uniform
170
00:09:16,098 --> 00:09:18,647
in order to meet Wil Wheaton
and get him to autograph
171
00:09:18,772 --> 00:09:21,602
my mint in-package
Wesley Crusher action figure.
172
00:09:22,824 --> 00:09:25,293
It'll be ke a reunion then.
Sign here.
173
00:09:25,418 --> 00:09:28,259
My arduous journey,
however, was for naught.
174
00:09:28,384 --> 00:09:31,003
Although advertised to appear,
he did not show up.
175
00:09:31,128 --> 00:09:34,678
It was at that moment,
I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton.
176
00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:38,577
Great, you can tell him you hate him.
Sign here.
177
00:09:38,886 --> 00:09:41,052
It might also interest you to know
that Wil Wheaton
178
00:09:41,177 --> 00:09:44,227
currently ranks sixth
on my all-time enemies list...
179
00:09:44,547 --> 00:09:46,086
Between director Joel Schumacher,
180
00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:48,420
who nearly destroyed
the Batman movie franchise,
181
00:09:49,410 --> 00:09:51,535
And Billy Sparks,
who lived down the street from me
182
00:09:51,660 --> 00:09:54,134
and put dog poop
on the handles of my bicycle.
183
00:09:54,539 --> 00:09:56,551
I get it. He's a bad guy.
Sign here.
184
00:09:56,676 --> 00:10:00,680
In the words of Khan Noonien Singh
in the immortal wrath of Khan,
185
00:10:01,304 --> 00:10:02,768
"He tasks me.
186
00:10:02,983 --> 00:10:06,061
"He tasks me and I shall have him."
187
00:10:06,186 --> 00:10:07,698
No doubt, sign here.
188
00:10:07,823 --> 00:10:10,271
"Rom hell's heart, I stab at thee."
189
00:10:13,528 --> 00:10:16,493
All right, Raj,
looks like you're teamed up with
190
00:10:16,725 --> 00:10:18,784
"Die, Wil Wheaton, die."
191
00:10:24,602 --> 00:10:27,126
So, tell me more
about the future mother of my children.
192
00:10:28,472 --> 00:10:31,255
She's adorable, Howard.
I think you'll like her.
193
00:10:31,463 --> 00:10:32,463
Great.
194
00:10:33,337 --> 00:10:35,801
So what did you tell her about me?
Did you mention the body fat?
195
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,704
I thought that would be
a nice surprise for her.
196
00:10:39,829 --> 00:10:41,618
Good, good.
197
00:10:45,131 --> 00:10:48,439
I told her you're an aerospace engineer,
you speak five languages...
198
00:10:48,607 --> 00:10:50,149
Six if you count Klingon.
199
00:10:51,062 --> 00:10:52,943
Girls don't count Klingon, Howard.
200
00:10:53,371 --> 00:10:54,778
- Right?
- Right.
201
00:10:56,616 --> 00:10:59,116
And I told her you have
an unhealthy attachment to your mother.
202
00:11:00,376 --> 00:11:02,244
- What?
- I'm kidding.
203
00:11:03,851 --> 00:11:06,123
Another delightful surprise for her.
204
00:11:11,403 --> 00:11:13,103
Sheldon, it's your play.
205
00:11:16,772 --> 00:11:20,759
My enchanted troll bludgeons
your screaming harpy with a cursed mace.
206
00:11:20,884 --> 00:11:21,884
Game.
207
00:11:22,892 --> 00:11:25,756
Sorry, boys. Say hi to your mother
when she picks you up.
208
00:11:26,818 --> 00:11:29,318
Or I could just tell her
later tonight!
209
00:11:31,504 --> 00:11:33,526
We pwned them, dude! Up top!
210
00:11:33,807 --> 00:11:34,902
Look at him.
211
00:11:35,846 --> 00:11:38,483
Wil Wheaton, my old friend.
212
00:11:39,225 --> 00:11:41,794
I have chased you
'round the moons of Nibia
213
00:11:41,919 --> 00:11:45,923
and 'round the Antares maelstrom
and 'round perdition's flames!
214
00:11:46,726 --> 00:11:49,596
You keep quoting Wrath of Khan,
but he was in Next Generation.
215
00:11:49,721 --> 00:11:51,284
It's a different set of chacters.
216
00:11:51,409 --> 00:11:52,409
Silence!
217
00:11:54,403 --> 00:11:57,003
How much longer must I wait
for my revenge?
218
00:11:57,340 --> 00:11:59,218
If Wil Wheaton and Stuart
win their match
219
00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:03,055
and we beat lonely Larry and
captain sweatpants in the next round,
220
00:12:03,449 --> 00:12:05,259
we'll face off for the championship.
221
00:12:05,384 --> 00:12:08,318
So, my path
to satisfaction is blocked
222
00:12:08,443 --> 00:12:11,223
by lonely Larry
and captain sweatpants.
223
00:12:13,251 --> 00:12:14,149
Very well.
224
00:12:14,618 --> 00:12:16,268
They must be destroyed.
225
00:12:16,930 --> 00:12:19,570
You have to stop talking like that.
It's really lame.
226
00:12:19,695 --> 00:12:20,695
Silence!
227
00:12:27,851 --> 00:12:30,067
So, Penny tells me
you're working as a waitress
228
00:12:30,192 --> 00:12:31,825
to put yourself through grad school.
229
00:12:31,950 --> 00:12:34,002
That's pretty great.
What are you sdying?
230
00:12:34,171 --> 00:12:35,087
Microbiology.
231
00:12:35,714 --> 00:12:37,229
Oh, cool.
232
00:12:37,610 --> 00:12:39,210
So you could study me.
233
00:12:40,521 --> 00:12:41,930
I don't understand.
234
00:12:42,895 --> 00:12:46,598
Microbiology is the study
of tiny living things.
235
00:12:47,195 --> 00:12:48,990
I know, I'm studying it.
236
00:12:51,002 --> 00:12:53,792
And I said you could study me
237
00:12:54,049 --> 00:12:56,734
'cause I'm a tiny living thing.
238
00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:00,369
- It's a joke.
- Are you sure?
239
00:13:06,298 --> 00:13:09,413
Do you like science fiction?
Role-playing games?
240
00:13:09,864 --> 00:13:12,416
Like in the bedroom
or like Dungeons and Dragons?
241
00:13:13,135 --> 00:13:13,959
Either.
242
00:13:18,037 --> 00:13:19,673
Gonna be a long night.
243
00:13:20,005 --> 00:13:21,383
It's your fault.
244
00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:24,152
I had to ask.
You didn't have to say yes.
245
00:13:26,446 --> 00:13:28,473
- You like magic?
- Not really.
246
00:13:31,980 --> 00:13:34,103
A long, long night.
247
00:13:37,886 --> 00:13:39,873
I play my endless serpent.
248
00:13:39,998 --> 00:13:42,032
Raj will play ecstatic frenzy,
249
00:13:42,157 --> 00:13:44,656
which means Larry
will have to play chaos overlord.
250
00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:46,576
Then captain sweatpants,
molten river.
251
00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:49,564
I play nightshade dryad.
Game, set and match.
252
00:13:54,152 --> 00:13:56,029
Now fetch me Wil Wheaton!
253
00:14:04,303 --> 00:14:07,402
Did that guy just say
"revenge is a dish best served cold"
254
00:14:07,527 --> 00:14:08,577
in Klingon?
255
00:14:09,078 --> 00:14:10,228
I believe so.
256
00:14:11,316 --> 00:14:12,966
What is wrong with him?
257
00:14:14,935 --> 00:14:17,035
Everyone has a different theory.
258
00:14:22,261 --> 00:14:23,653
How about computers?
259
00:14:23,822 --> 00:14:24,988
Do you like computers?
260
00:14:25,199 --> 00:14:26,199
I use them.
261
00:14:26,514 --> 00:14:27,866
I don't like them.
262
00:14:29,889 --> 00:14:33,150
Puppies?
Where do you stand on puppies?
263
00:14:34,263 --> 00:14:36,013
A puppy once bit my face.
264
00:14:37,389 --> 00:14:38,669
Of course it did.
265
00:14:39,462 --> 00:14:41,242
How about that?
Einstein was wrong.
266
00:14:42,186 --> 00:14:44,260
Approaching the speed of light
doesn't slow down time.
267
00:14:44,385 --> 00:14:45,592
Approaching them does.
268
00:14:49,442 --> 00:14:50,449
Excuse me.
269
00:14:51,534 --> 00:14:52,641
Damn, it's my mother.
270
00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:54,935
- Are you going to answer it?
- I'm torn.
271
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:56,767
She might be dying, and, you know,
272
00:14:56,892 --> 00:14:58,397
I wouldn't want to miss that.
273
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:04,058
But if I let it go to voicemail,
I could play it over and over.
274
00:15:06,830 --> 00:15:08,300
I know how you feel.
275
00:15:08,705 --> 00:15:10,325
My mother makes me crazy.
276
00:15:10,863 --> 00:15:13,036
Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
277
00:15:13,823 --> 00:15:15,591
Does your mother call
you every day at work
278
00:15:15,716 --> 00:15:17,457
to see if you've had
a healthy lunch?
279
00:15:18,143 --> 00:15:22,087
My mother calls me at work to see
if I had a healthy bowel movement.
280
00:15:26,682 --> 00:15:29,267
Okay, does she lay out
your clothes for you in the morning
281
00:15:29,392 --> 00:15:30,846
like you're nine years old?
282
00:15:31,624 --> 00:15:32,890
You live with your mother?
283
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,835
No. That's the sad part.
284
00:15:36,452 --> 00:15:38,604
Rough. Okay, check this out.
285
00:15:38,773 --> 00:15:40,929
My mother made me wear
rubber gloves to kindergarten
286
00:15:41,054 --> 00:15:44,197
so I wouldn't pick up a disease
from the other children.
287
00:15:44,953 --> 00:15:47,206
That's nothing.
I couldn't ride a bicycle
288
00:15:47,331 --> 00:15:50,657
'cause my mother was afraid
I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.
289
00:15:52,854 --> 00:15:54,018
You didn't, did you?
290
00:15:54,205 --> 00:15:55,493
Not on a bicycle.
291
00:15:55,897 --> 00:15:56,947
In a Camry.
292
00:16:00,778 --> 00:16:01,793
Corolla!
293
00:16:03,393 --> 00:16:04,880
- More wine?
- I'd love some.
294
00:16:05,719 --> 00:16:06,757
You have to come
295
00:16:06,968 --> 00:16:08,768
to Shabbat dinner
at my house sometime.
296
00:16:08,893 --> 00:16:09,830
Why?
297
00:16:09,955 --> 00:16:11,386
A catholic girl like you
298
00:16:11,556 --> 00:16:12,763
wearing a big cross
299
00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:15,103
might just give my mother
the big brain aneurysm
300
00:16:15,228 --> 00:16:16,599
I've been hoping for.
301
00:16:19,409 --> 00:16:21,023
Okay, but only if you come
302
00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:23,941
to Sunday dinner at my house
wearing a yarmulke.
303
00:16:24,456 --> 00:16:25,456
It's a date.
304
00:16:27,205 --> 00:16:28,904
Am I a matchmaker or what?
305
00:16:37,583 --> 00:16:38,733
Lava serpent.
306
00:16:39,987 --> 00:16:41,255
Nest of snakes.
307
00:16:42,646 --> 00:16:43,959
Underworld guardian.
308
00:16:44,282 --> 00:16:45,794
Underworld guardian.
309
00:16:47,020 --> 00:16:48,656
We skirmish to the death.
310
00:16:54,398 --> 00:16:55,554
Invisibility spell.
311
00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:56,888
Luminescence spell.
312
00:16:57,287 --> 00:16:59,057
- Water nymph.
- Fire demon.
313
00:16:59,456 --> 00:17:01,875
- Two-headed tiger.
- Three-headed lion.
314
00:17:03,662 --> 00:17:05,355
- Sulphur.
- Brimstone.
315
00:17:07,037 --> 00:17:08,522
Problem, Wil Wheaton?
316
00:17:11,976 --> 00:17:14,413
- Hang on.
- You have two moderate spell cards,
317
00:17:14,538 --> 00:17:17,848
a small rock and a potion of Zancor
which will be about as much help
318
00:17:17,973 --> 00:17:20,370
as an air conditioner
on the ice planet Hoth.
319
00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:22,622
Your only move is
320
00:17:22,835 --> 00:17:26,460
to play the potion, lose the skirmish,
and two moves later, the game.
321
00:17:28,178 --> 00:17:29,296
I think he's got me.
322
00:17:29,467 --> 00:17:31,987
The year was 1995.
323
00:17:34,542 --> 00:17:36,845
The place: Jackson, Mississippi.
324
00:17:37,413 --> 00:17:39,663
Having spent ten hours on a bus,
325
00:17:39,788 --> 00:17:41,834
during which I had to twice violate
326
00:17:41,959 --> 00:17:44,310
my personal rule
against relieving myself
327
00:17:44,435 --> 00:17:46,229
on board a moving vehicle...
328
00:17:47,690 --> 00:17:51,226
I finally arrived at the fourth annual
Dixie-Trek convention
329
00:17:51,351 --> 00:17:53,413
only to find that my idol,
330
00:17:53,836 --> 00:17:54,918
Wil Wheaton,
331
00:17:55,289 --> 00:17:57,041
decided he had better things to do
332
00:17:57,166 --> 00:17:59,576
than to show up
and sign my action figure.
333
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:04,749
What?
334
00:18:06,857 --> 00:18:08,643
You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton.
335
00:18:08,947 --> 00:18:09,947
And now...
336
00:18:11,113 --> 00:18:12,886
I have my revenge.
337
00:18:15,492 --> 00:18:18,136
You went to the '95 Dixie-Trek?
338
00:18:19,671 --> 00:18:20,719
Oh, dude,
339
00:18:21,006 --> 00:18:23,068
my grandmother had just died,
340
00:18:23,389 --> 00:18:25,101
and I had to go to her funeral.
341
00:18:28,138 --> 00:18:29,538
Your mee-maw died?
342
00:18:32,113 --> 00:18:33,193
That's terrible.
343
00:18:33,512 --> 00:18:35,017
Yeah, it was.
344
00:18:36,822 --> 00:18:38,698
But I'm really sorry
that I disappointed you.
345
00:18:38,869 --> 00:18:41,530
No, no, I understand.
346
00:18:41,827 --> 00:18:45,288
If anything happened to my mee-maw,
I'd be one inconsolable moon pie.
347
00:18:47,328 --> 00:18:48,750
I should clarify that statement
348
00:18:48,875 --> 00:18:51,308
by explaining that she calls me
"moon pie."
349
00:18:52,597 --> 00:18:56,132
It's a special relationship, isn't it,
between a boy and his grandmother?
350
00:18:56,325 --> 00:18:57,400
Oh, yes.
351
00:18:57,888 --> 00:19:00,206
Great, everybody
loves their grandmas!
352
00:19:00,331 --> 00:19:03,169
Now, come on, Sheldon,
finish him off!
353
00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:06,202
It's okay, Sheldon.
I let you down.
354
00:19:06,327 --> 00:19:07,477
I deserve it.
355
00:19:08,408 --> 00:19:09,604
Potion of Zancor.
356
00:19:12,013 --> 00:19:13,913
What are you waiting for?!
357
00:19:15,092 --> 00:19:16,155
Kill Wil Wheaton!
358
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,580
From hell's heart, stab at him!
359
00:19:22,844 --> 00:19:23,578
I can't.
360
00:19:23,786 --> 00:19:25,720
Sure you can. Do it! Do it!
361
00:19:28,484 --> 00:19:30,781
I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton,
362
00:19:30,906 --> 00:19:33,183
the man who destroyed my dreams.
363
00:19:33,592 --> 00:19:35,751
But I can't defeat Wil Wheaton,
364
00:19:36,135 --> 00:19:38,063
the man who loved his mee-maw.
365
00:19:42,789 --> 00:19:44,023
Enchanted bunny.
366
00:19:45,679 --> 00:19:47,825
Not enchanted bunny!
367
00:19:50,348 --> 00:19:51,980
I call my mee-maw "nana."
368
00:19:53,402 --> 00:19:54,961
And she's going to be very happy
369
00:19:55,086 --> 00:19:58,570
to hear that my small rock kills
your enchanted bunny.
370
00:20:00,018 --> 00:20:02,334
Game over, moon pie.
371
00:20:06,721 --> 00:20:08,417
I don't understand.
372
00:20:09,032 --> 00:20:10,373
Your grandmother's alive?
373
00:20:10,981 --> 00:20:12,167
You catch on quick.
374
00:20:12,924 --> 00:20:15,410
Come on, Stewie,
let's get our prize money.
375
00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:19,799
That was fun.
376
00:20:28,065 --> 00:20:30,060
Wheaton!