1
00:00:02,201 --> 00:00:04,293
Completely empty box.
2
00:00:04,294 --> 00:00:05,560
If you'd like to examine it...
3
00:00:05,562 --> 00:00:06,895
Mm-hmm. Yep.
4
00:00:06,897 --> 00:00:10,982
I see nothing in this box
but a wasted childhood.
5
00:00:10,984 --> 00:00:14,269
Little snarky there,
Cello Lessons.
6
00:00:15,654 --> 00:00:19,941
And we have this completely
ordinary cylinder.
7
00:00:19,943 --> 00:00:21,326
If you'd like to examine it...
8
00:00:21,328 --> 00:00:26,614
Ordinary, yet I sense it is
dripping with magical potential.
9
00:00:26,616 --> 00:00:29,150
Oh, dear Lord.
10
00:00:29,152 --> 00:00:32,620
A man pops out for a moment
to evacuate his bowels
11
00:00:32,622 --> 00:00:35,656
and catch up on the adventures
of the Caped Crusader,
12
00:00:35,658 --> 00:00:37,642
only to emerge
and discover his apartment
13
00:00:37,644 --> 00:00:40,428
has been transformed
into a cabaret.
14
00:00:40,430 --> 00:00:42,447
Sheldon, he's just
15
00:00:42,449 --> 00:00:44,382
practicing for his
cousin's birthday party.
16
00:00:44,384 --> 00:00:46,217
As I was saying...
17
00:00:46,219 --> 00:00:48,136
empty box, empty cylinder,
18
00:00:48,138 --> 00:00:49,938
and... ooh!
19
00:00:49,940 --> 00:00:52,023
Voila.
20
00:00:52,025 --> 00:00:53,975
I'm telling you, dude,
there's a seat
21
00:00:53,977 --> 00:00:57,312
on the Hogwarts Express
with your name on it.
22
00:00:57,314 --> 00:00:59,030
This is how you're
going to entertain
23
00:00:59,032 --> 00:01:00,681
your little cousin
and his friends?
24
00:01:00,683 --> 00:01:01,950
By lying to them?
25
00:01:01,952 --> 00:01:03,985
How is this lying?
26
00:01:03,987 --> 00:01:06,571
A magic show is an inherently
deceitful proposition.
27
00:01:06,573 --> 00:01:09,624
"This is an ordinary top hat."
28
00:01:09,626 --> 00:01:10,959
"You've chosen
that card freely."
29
00:01:10,961 --> 00:01:14,963
"I do not have a set of lock
picks lodged in my keister."
30
00:01:14,965 --> 00:01:16,297
Can't you
31
00:01:16,299 --> 00:01:17,549
just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon?
32
00:01:17,551 --> 00:01:19,200
Why must you
peek behind the curtain?
33
00:01:19,202 --> 00:01:21,035
Or up the butt?
34
00:01:21,037 --> 00:01:24,205
If we poison the critical
thinking faculties of children
35
00:01:24,207 --> 00:01:25,723
by telling them that rabbits
36
00:01:25,725 --> 00:01:28,893
come out of hats,
then we create adults
37
00:01:28,895 --> 00:01:31,012
who believe in astrology
and homeopathy
38
00:01:31,014 --> 00:01:34,349
and that Ryan Reynolds was a
better choice for Green Lantern
39
00:01:34,351 --> 00:01:36,851
than lovable rogue
Nathan Fillion.
40
00:01:36,853 --> 00:01:38,853
Sheldon,
41
00:01:38,855 --> 00:01:41,289
he's just gonna do a few
magic tricks for some kids.
42
00:01:41,291 --> 00:01:42,890
I really don't think
they're gonna end up
43
00:01:42,892 --> 00:01:45,410
liking the Green Lantern movie.
44
00:01:45,412 --> 00:01:46,861
Don't be so
hard on him.
45
00:01:46,863 --> 00:01:48,780
It's natural to be
a little cranky when you have...
46
00:01:48,782 --> 00:01:52,166
a quarter
in your ear!
47
00:01:54,069 --> 00:01:57,088
Coins lodged in body parts
is not a source of amusement.
48
00:01:57,090 --> 00:02:01,175
When I was five, Billy Sparks
put a Mexican peso up my nose.
49
00:02:02,379 --> 00:02:05,163
Wait-wait-wait,
how is that not amusing?
50
00:02:05,165 --> 00:02:06,998
It's still there.
51
00:02:07,883 --> 00:02:09,083
Takes me
52
00:02:09,085 --> 00:02:12,186
45 minutes to get
through airport security.
53
00:02:14,390 --> 00:02:17,942
Look, I made
Sheldon disappear. Ta-da.
54
00:02:17,944 --> 00:02:21,396
Next time, you should
open with that.
55
00:02:21,398 --> 00:02:25,033
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
56
00:02:25,035 --> 00:02:28,369
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
57
00:02:28,371 --> 00:02:29,988
♪ The Earth began to cool
58
00:02:29,990 --> 00:02:32,523
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
59
00:02:32,525 --> 00:02:35,193
♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
60
00:02:35,195 --> 00:02:37,862
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
61
00:02:37,864 --> 00:02:39,781
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
62
00:02:39,783 --> 00:02:40,890
♪ Bang! ♪
63
00:02:40,891 --> 00:02:44,391
The Big Bang Theory 5x12
The Shiny Trinket Maneuver
Original Air Date on January 12, 2012
64
00:02:44,392 --> 00:02:47,392
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
65
00:02:47,413 --> 00:02:49,346
Ooh, look who's out on a date.
66
00:02:49,347 --> 00:02:53,116
Pasadena's favorite
power couple, Shamy.
67
00:02:53,118 --> 00:02:55,201
And that is the answer
to the question,
68
00:02:55,203 --> 00:02:57,837
what is wrong with eating
at The Cheesecake Factory?
69
00:02:57,839 --> 00:03:00,690
So, are we celebrating
anything special tonight?
70
00:03:00,692 --> 00:03:01,908
Oh, yes.
71
00:03:01,910 --> 00:03:03,693
Our relationship
agreement specifies
72
00:03:03,695 --> 00:03:05,495
that the second Thursday
of every month,
73
00:03:05,497 --> 00:03:08,048
or the third Thursday
in a month with five Thursdays,
74
00:03:08,050 --> 00:03:09,582
is date night.
75
00:03:13,036 --> 00:03:15,889
That is so hot.
76
00:03:17,224 --> 00:03:21,594
All right, without objection,
the minutes of the previous date
77
00:03:21,596 --> 00:03:23,980
are considered
read and agreed to.
78
00:03:24,899 --> 00:03:26,733
Any new business?
79
00:03:26,735 --> 00:03:28,318
How was your day?
80
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:29,235
Superb.
81
00:03:29,237 --> 00:03:31,738
This morning I made
a palindrome
82
00:03:31,740 --> 00:03:32,956
with my Alpha-Bits.
83
00:03:32,958 --> 00:03:36,025
"Nice hat, Bob Tahecin."
84
00:03:36,994 --> 00:03:39,729
Sounds like you
hit the ground running.
85
00:03:39,731 --> 00:03:42,499
I have a bit of
good news myself.
86
00:03:42,501 --> 00:03:43,933
My most recent paper
87
00:03:43,935 --> 00:03:46,419
on how a cooperative
long-term potentiation
88
00:03:46,421 --> 00:03:48,455
can map memory sequences
in dendritic branches
89
00:03:48,457 --> 00:03:50,707
made the cover of Neuron.
90
00:03:50,709 --> 00:03:52,909
Ooh! Speaking of good news,
91
00:03:52,911 --> 00:03:54,094
somebody...
92
00:03:54,096 --> 00:03:57,213
just hit 100
Twitter followers.
93
00:03:57,215 --> 00:03:59,432
That's nice.
94
00:03:59,434 --> 00:04:01,050
Anyway, I've been
dreaming of this day
95
00:04:01,052 --> 00:04:02,635
for a long time.
Yeah, me, too.
96
00:04:02,637 --> 00:04:04,521
Triple digits,
I'm not gonna lie--
97
00:04:04,523 --> 00:04:06,055
it feels pretty good.
98
00:04:06,057 --> 00:04:07,757
Sheldon,
99
00:04:07,759 --> 00:04:09,943
I'm the sole author
on a paper being published
100
00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:11,728
in a distinguished journal
that may change
101
00:04:11,730 --> 00:04:13,062
the course of my field.
102
00:04:13,064 --> 00:04:14,214
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
103
00:04:14,216 --> 00:04:15,982
Ooh, 101!
104
00:04:15,984 --> 00:04:19,068
Air's getting
a bit thin up here.
105
00:04:20,237 --> 00:04:22,455
So, are we ready to order?
106
00:04:22,457 --> 00:04:23,706
Give me a minute.
107
00:04:23,708 --> 00:04:25,475
I'm gonna go wash up.
108
00:04:26,877 --> 00:04:28,828
Well, that's odd.
109
00:04:28,830 --> 00:04:31,297
We both washed up
when we came in.
110
00:04:31,299 --> 00:04:34,116
It's probably a euphemism
for urination.
111
00:04:34,118 --> 00:04:36,469
Sheldon, what is
wrong with you?
112
00:04:36,471 --> 00:04:39,639
Not much. Although,
I can be faulted
113
00:04:39,641 --> 00:04:41,958
for being overly fond
of koala bears.
114
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,560
I don't know what it is,
115
00:04:43,562 --> 00:04:45,512
when they smart munching
on eucalyptus,
116
00:04:45,514 --> 00:04:47,897
I just melt inside.
117
00:04:47,899 --> 00:04:49,799
Okay, Amy just told you
some exciting news,
118
00:04:49,801 --> 00:04:52,018
and you acted like
it was no big deal.
119
00:04:52,020 --> 00:04:53,770
Oh, I see why you're confused.
120
00:04:53,772 --> 00:04:56,639
No, her news sounded important,
but what you're forgetting is,
121
00:04:56,641 --> 00:04:59,409
it was an achievement
in the field of biology.
122
00:04:59,411 --> 00:05:03,513
That's all about yucky,
squishy things.
123
00:05:03,515 --> 00:05:05,999
Honey, she's upset.
You're her boyfriend.
124
00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:08,484
You have to at least
try to be excited
125
00:05:08,486 --> 00:05:10,253
by the things
she's excited by.
126
00:05:10,255 --> 00:05:12,805
What if they simply
don't excite me?
127
00:05:12,807 --> 00:05:16,092
Well, just smile and
think about koalas.
128
00:05:16,094 --> 00:05:17,427
She'd see right through that.
129
00:05:17,429 --> 00:05:19,495
We go to the zoo all the time.
130
00:05:19,497 --> 00:05:21,347
She knows my koala face.
131
00:05:22,833 --> 00:05:25,435
And for future reference,
it's this.
132
00:05:29,940 --> 00:05:32,141
Oh, you have a lot
of magic stuff.
133
00:05:32,143 --> 00:05:33,610
Yeah.
134
00:05:33,612 --> 00:05:35,177
I started when I was a teenager.
135
00:05:35,179 --> 00:05:37,530
I thought I could show
a girl a few tricks
136
00:05:37,532 --> 00:05:41,067
and invite her up to my bedroom
to see the rest of the act.
137
00:05:41,869 --> 00:05:43,786
Did it work?
138
00:05:43,788 --> 00:05:45,989
Ah, let's just say the only wand
139
00:05:45,991 --> 00:05:49,876
that ever saw any action
was this one.
140
00:05:51,795 --> 00:05:55,615
Oh, look what my mom
made us for the act.
141
00:05:55,617 --> 00:05:56,883
Ooh...
142
00:05:56,885 --> 00:05:58,801
I like the fabric.
143
00:05:58,803 --> 00:06:00,169
Where'd she get it?
144
00:06:00,171 --> 00:06:04,057
Well, she cut up one
of her old bathing suits.
145
00:06:05,208 --> 00:06:09,062
She made these two vests
and half a dozen napkins.
146
00:06:10,147 --> 00:06:13,716
Has she
tried on the vest yet?!
147
00:06:13,718 --> 00:06:14,717
I just gave it to her!
148
00:06:14,719 --> 00:06:18,071
I hope it fits-- she
has a tricky figure!
149
00:06:18,073 --> 00:06:22,859
She's short
and stacked, like me!
150
00:06:22,861 --> 00:06:26,863
She's not stacked like you, Ma!
She never steps on hers!
151
00:06:30,417 --> 00:06:33,336
Listen, Howie,
maybe I'm not the best choice
152
00:06:33,338 --> 00:06:34,954
to be a magician's assistant.
153
00:06:34,956 --> 00:06:37,257
You'll do fine.
Hand me those rings?
154
00:06:38,676 --> 00:06:41,077
See? You nailed it.
155
00:06:41,079 --> 00:06:42,378
You know, i-it's just that
156
00:06:42,380 --> 00:06:44,297
I'm not that comfortable
with little kids.
157
00:06:44,299 --> 00:06:46,382
Well, that's because you
haven't been around them much.
158
00:06:46,384 --> 00:06:48,134
This is good
practice. I mean,
159
00:06:48,136 --> 00:06:50,853
you are gonna be
a mom someday, right?
160
00:06:50,855 --> 00:06:51,938
Mmm...
161
00:06:51,940 --> 00:06:54,256
Yeah, sure.
Oh-ho-ho!
162
00:06:54,258 --> 00:06:58,928
I haven't seen
this trick in years.
163
00:06:58,930 --> 00:07:00,446
It's called
the dove pan.
164
00:07:00,448 --> 00:07:02,782
You let everyone see
the pan is empty,
165
00:07:02,784 --> 00:07:06,402
but there's a secret
compartment in the lid.
166
00:07:06,404 --> 00:07:09,989
And then you open it
and produce a live...
167
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:22,802
Don't look in there.
168
00:07:27,007 --> 00:07:29,625
Oh, a little Red
Dead Redemption, huh?
169
00:07:29,627 --> 00:07:31,894
Yes.
170
00:07:31,896 --> 00:07:33,396
How come you're not
doing a mission?
171
00:07:33,398 --> 00:07:34,564
You're just
wandering around.
172
00:07:34,566 --> 00:07:36,316
Had a rough night.
173
00:07:36,318 --> 00:07:39,986
I thought I'd go for a walk
and clear my head.
174
00:07:41,772 --> 00:07:45,441
Some people go outside
and do that.
175
00:07:45,443 --> 00:07:48,995
It's after 9:00-- at this hour
the streets of Pasadena
176
00:07:48,997 --> 00:07:53,082
are teeming with drunken sailors
and alley cats.
177
00:07:53,084 --> 00:07:54,917
You want to talk about it?
178
00:07:54,919 --> 00:07:56,035
No.
179
00:07:56,037 --> 00:07:58,221
I think I'll just go
in this saloon
180
00:07:58,223 --> 00:08:00,823
and drink my troubles away.
181
00:08:05,596 --> 00:08:09,832
You know digital
alcohol is never a solution.
182
00:08:09,834 --> 00:08:11,934
What's going on?
183
00:08:13,271 --> 00:08:15,355
Hard as this may be to believe,
184
00:08:15,357 --> 00:08:19,359
it's possible that
I'm not boyfriend material.
185
00:08:22,780 --> 00:08:26,182
Glad I was sitting down
for that.
186
00:08:26,184 --> 00:08:28,201
Did you and Amy get in a fight?
187
00:08:28,203 --> 00:08:32,188
Amy had a fight; I was being
perfectly reasonable.
188
00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:34,240
I'm gonna have a whiskey.
189
00:08:34,242 --> 00:08:35,324
Do you want anything?
190
00:08:35,326 --> 00:08:37,643
No, I can't.
191
00:08:37,645 --> 00:08:40,530
I'm playing Grand
Theft Auto later.
192
00:08:45,502 --> 00:08:48,054
Look, I'm no expert in women...
193
00:08:48,056 --> 00:08:48,921
I'll say.
194
00:08:50,274 --> 00:08:53,059
That's not necessary when
someone's trying to help you.
195
00:08:53,061 --> 00:08:55,311
I'm sorry.
It's the alcohol talking.
196
00:08:55,313 --> 00:08:57,613
Go on.
197
00:08:58,849 --> 00:09:03,219
Sometimes with women you want
to listen to what upsets them
198
00:09:03,221 --> 00:09:08,357
and then show them
that you can grow and change.
199
00:09:08,359 --> 00:09:14,730
Nuts to that.
What else you got?
200
00:09:14,732 --> 00:09:15,948
Buy her something.
201
00:09:15,950 --> 00:09:19,669
How does that work?
202
00:09:19,671 --> 00:09:23,456
Well, you skip over
any attempt to repair
203
00:09:23,458 --> 00:09:26,509
your emotional connection
and you win back her affection
204
00:09:26,511 --> 00:09:30,079
with an empty financial gesture.
205
00:09:30,081 --> 00:09:34,901
Well, that approach has Sheldon
Cooper written all over it.
206
00:09:35,936 --> 00:09:37,920
Glad I could help.
207
00:09:37,922 --> 00:09:39,588
It's appreciated.
And if you ever manage
208
00:09:39,590 --> 00:09:42,642
to find a woman again, I'll
be glad to return the favor.
209
00:09:45,479 --> 00:09:48,648
And now, all
the rings are
210
00:09:48,650 --> 00:09:51,033
magically linked together.
211
00:09:52,302 --> 00:09:55,872
My fiancée's wearing
a magic ring, too.
212
00:09:55,874 --> 00:09:58,391
It made all my money disappear.
213
00:10:01,111 --> 00:10:03,279
Oh, ah, right.
214
00:10:06,834 --> 00:10:09,118
And now, the
great Howdini's
215
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:12,638
next miraculous
illusion.
216
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:14,640
When are we gonna have cake?
217
00:10:14,642 --> 00:10:19,762
After you've
been thoroughly amazed.
218
00:10:19,764 --> 00:10:21,931
But we want cake now.
219
00:10:21,933 --> 00:10:25,401
Well, you're not getting cake
right now, capisce?
220
00:10:26,487 --> 00:10:30,606
Okay. Okay.
221
00:10:30,608 --> 00:10:34,360
Now, my lovely assistant
is going to bring me
222
00:10:34,362 --> 00:10:36,362
an ordinary
pitcher of milk.
223
00:10:36,364 --> 00:10:38,164
I know how you do that trick.
224
00:10:38,166 --> 00:10:40,116
Do you know how to pipe down?
225
00:10:41,251 --> 00:10:43,503
Okay, we're going
226
00:10:43,505 --> 00:10:46,756
to roll up
this newspaper.
227
00:10:46,758 --> 00:10:48,007
It's a fake pitcher.
228
00:10:48,009 --> 00:10:49,675
You got wax in your ears?
229
00:10:49,677 --> 00:10:52,295
The man said
it's an ordinary pitcher.
230
00:10:52,963 --> 00:10:55,164
Howdini.
231
00:10:55,166 --> 00:11:00,186
Okay, we're going
to stick this in here.
232
00:11:00,188 --> 00:11:03,005
And then I'm going
to pour in the milk.
233
00:11:03,007 --> 00:11:05,141
I hope this works,
234
00:11:05,143 --> 00:11:07,210
because I didn't
bring a change of pants.
235
00:11:07,861 --> 00:11:09,779
Look, I Googled it.
236
00:11:09,781 --> 00:11:11,881
It's a fake pitcher.
237
00:11:13,116 --> 00:11:14,951
That's it.
238
00:11:14,953 --> 00:11:16,235
No cake for you.
239
00:11:16,237 --> 00:11:18,821
Anyone else want to
join the No Cake Club?
240
00:11:19,856 --> 00:11:22,041
She's just kidding,
boys and girls.
241
00:11:22,043 --> 00:11:23,409
Everyone gets cake.
242
00:11:23,411 --> 00:11:26,379
Not him.
243
00:11:28,081 --> 00:11:31,300
Just give me the pitcher.
244
00:11:32,754 --> 00:11:34,921
Behold!
245
00:11:47,351 --> 00:11:49,551
Wrong pitcher.
246
00:11:54,932 --> 00:11:57,140
I told you I'm not
good with kids.
247
00:11:57,141 --> 00:11:58,607
Yes, you did.
248
00:11:58,609 --> 00:12:01,861
Oh, I think my crotch
is starting to curdle.
249
00:12:02,829 --> 00:12:06,165
The thing is, my mother
worked full-time.
250
00:12:06,167 --> 00:12:08,784
I had to take care of
my brothers and sisters.
251
00:12:08,786 --> 00:12:10,453
Yeah, so?
252
00:12:10,455 --> 00:12:12,038
Ugh, it was horrible!
253
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,674
With their snotty noses
and their poopy diapers
254
00:12:14,676 --> 00:12:17,293
and their little shrieky voices,
always complaining.
255
00:12:17,295 --> 00:12:18,761
"I don't want to get dressed."
256
00:12:18,763 --> 00:12:20,496
"Joey keeps spitting
in my mouth."
257
00:12:20,498 --> 00:12:22,515
"This isn't the way
Mom makes waffles."
258
00:12:22,517 --> 00:12:24,600
Well, okay, put your
hand in here.
259
00:12:24,602 --> 00:12:27,169
Let's see how you
like this waffle!
260
00:12:27,171 --> 00:12:30,339
All right, settle down.
261
00:12:30,341 --> 00:12:31,557
Red light.
262
00:12:31,559 --> 00:12:33,509
Red light, red light!
263
00:12:33,511 --> 00:12:36,812
Okay, we're fine.
264
00:12:36,814 --> 00:12:38,230
I'm sorry.
265
00:12:38,232 --> 00:12:40,399
I know it makes me sound
like a bad person,
266
00:12:40,401 --> 00:12:41,984
but I just don't like children.
267
00:12:41,986 --> 00:12:44,153
Yeah, no, we all got that.
268
00:12:46,323 --> 00:12:48,324
But don't you think
it'll be different
269
00:12:48,326 --> 00:12:50,710
when the child is ours?
270
00:12:50,712 --> 00:12:53,245
Right, when it's our kid
that's ruined my body
271
00:12:53,247 --> 00:12:56,198
and kept me up all night and
I've got no career and no future
272
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,551
and nothing to be happy about
for the next 20 years,
273
00:12:58,553 --> 00:13:01,420
sure, that'll be
completely different.
274
00:13:04,141 --> 00:13:06,509
Well, yeah.
275
00:13:11,398 --> 00:13:14,467
I don't think there's
anything in this jewelry store
276
00:13:14,469 --> 00:13:15,884
that Amy would appreciate more
277
00:13:15,886 --> 00:13:19,438
than the humidifier we were
just looking at at Sears.
278
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:22,391
Oh, my God, now I know
what I sound like to you
279
00:13:22,393 --> 00:13:25,094
when I say stupid stuff.
280
00:13:27,397 --> 00:13:28,914
Ooh, a pocket watch.
281
00:13:28,916 --> 00:13:30,899
Okay, I don't think Amy
wants a pocket watch.
282
00:13:30,901 --> 00:13:34,787
No, but maybe she wants
a man with a pocket watch.
283
00:13:34,789 --> 00:13:38,874
Still saying stupid stuff.
284
00:13:38,876 --> 00:13:40,793
Ooh...
285
00:13:40,795 --> 00:13:41,844
Does she like bracelets?
286
00:13:41,846 --> 00:13:44,130
Well, she's very fond
of her silver one
287
00:13:44,132 --> 00:13:46,048
that says "allergic
to penicillin."
288
00:13:46,050 --> 00:13:49,435
Maybe they have a dressier
version of that?
289
00:13:49,437 --> 00:13:51,387
Well, how are we doing
this afternoon?
290
00:13:51,389 --> 00:13:52,855
Are we looking for
anything special?
291
00:13:52,857 --> 00:13:54,306
Perhaps a ring for the lady?
292
00:13:54,308 --> 00:13:56,609
Trust me, we are
not a couple.
293
00:13:56,611 --> 00:13:58,527
Excuse me.
294
00:13:58,529 --> 00:14:01,530
I don't see why you get to snort
derisively and point that out.
295
00:14:01,532 --> 00:14:04,366
You'd be lucky to land
a fella like me.
296
00:14:04,368 --> 00:14:05,818
Fine, go ahead.
297
00:14:05,820 --> 00:14:09,572
Trust me, we are
not a couple.
298
00:14:09,574 --> 00:14:10,623
My apologies.
299
00:14:10,625 --> 00:14:12,291
How can I help you today?
300
00:14:12,293 --> 00:14:13,659
He's in trouble
with his girlfriend
301
00:14:13,661 --> 00:14:15,211
and needs to
buy her a present.
302
00:14:15,213 --> 00:14:17,797
Great, trouble with girlfriends
303
00:14:17,799 --> 00:14:21,050
is what's putting
my daughter through USC.
304
00:14:23,086 --> 00:14:25,554
Ooh, are these real diamonds?
305
00:14:25,556 --> 00:14:29,058
Yes. Channel set baguettes,
20 points total weight.
306
00:14:29,060 --> 00:14:30,643
Remarkable.
307
00:14:30,645 --> 00:14:33,012
Diamonds, crystallized carbon.
308
00:14:33,014 --> 00:14:35,130
Every day, people go
to the grocery store
309
00:14:35,132 --> 00:14:37,183
and come home with
sacks full of carbon
310
00:14:37,185 --> 00:14:38,967
in the form of
charcoal briquettes
311
00:14:38,969 --> 00:14:41,570
that they toss in their
barbeques and set on fire.
312
00:14:41,572 --> 00:14:43,989
But just because
you've got some carbon
313
00:14:43,991 --> 00:14:45,991
with the atoms stacked neatly,
314
00:14:45,993 --> 00:14:48,661
you expect me to plunk down
thousands of dollars.
315
00:14:48,663 --> 00:14:50,279
Actually, that's only 750.
316
00:14:50,281 --> 00:14:51,530
Everything's on sale.
317
00:14:51,532 --> 00:14:54,733
Really. Talk to me
about that pocket watch.
318
00:14:57,204 --> 00:15:00,206
I'm still trying to
wrap my mind around it.
319
00:15:00,208 --> 00:15:01,490
I always
320
00:15:01,492 --> 00:15:04,376
thought I'd be a dad someday.
321
00:15:04,378 --> 00:15:05,661
Oh, me, too.
322
00:15:05,663 --> 00:15:07,096
You're so caring.
323
00:15:07,098 --> 00:15:10,633
I've often pictured you guiding
a young boy into manhood.
324
00:15:14,688 --> 00:15:16,055
There you go, Howard.
325
00:15:16,057 --> 00:15:19,358
Sounds like Raj'll have
your babies; problem solved.
326
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,477
Hey, just because a man
shows caring for another man
327
00:15:21,479 --> 00:15:22,778
doesn't mean he's
displaying the love
328
00:15:22,780 --> 00:15:25,781
that dare not speak its name.
329
00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:29,851
Did she definitely say
she didn't want kids?
330
00:15:29,853 --> 00:15:31,654
Yeah, she doesn't like them.
331
00:15:31,656 --> 00:15:34,990
And from what I saw,
the feeling was mutual.
332
00:15:39,996 --> 00:15:41,863
What are you gonna do?
333
00:15:41,865 --> 00:15:43,098
I don't know.
334
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:45,701
I can't see a life
where I don't have kids.
335
00:15:45,703 --> 00:15:47,253
I mean, people have kids.
336
00:15:47,255 --> 00:15:52,374
I mean, even Donkey Kong
had Donkey Kong Jr.
337
00:15:52,376 --> 00:15:56,679
So he could teach someone
how to kidnap princesses
338
00:15:56,681 --> 00:16:00,616
and throw barrels
at Italian plumbers.
339
00:16:00,618 --> 00:16:04,219
You know, there's no guarantee
even if you have kids
340
00:16:04,221 --> 00:16:05,905
that you're going to like them.
341
00:16:05,907 --> 00:16:09,024
Wow, that's rough.
Where'd you get that?
342
00:16:09,026 --> 00:16:13,329
It's right off the dust jacket
of my mom's last book.
343
00:16:15,498 --> 00:16:19,835
Maybe me and Bernadette
aren't right for each other.
344
00:16:19,837 --> 00:16:24,039
Look, Howard, I'd say there's
a lot of fish in the sea,
345
00:16:24,041 --> 00:16:27,009
but I watched you dangle your
hook in the water for years.
346
00:16:27,011 --> 00:16:29,645
Do not throw her back.
347
00:16:32,215 --> 00:16:36,352
I don't want to, but this is
kind of a deal breaker.
348
00:16:36,354 --> 00:16:38,520
What's your mom going to say
if you call off the wedding?
349
00:16:38,522 --> 00:16:39,855
Oh, it'll kill her.
350
00:16:39,857 --> 00:16:41,807
On the other hand, if I don't
give her grandchildren,
351
00:16:41,809 --> 00:16:43,225
that'll kill her, too.
352
00:16:43,227 --> 00:16:45,945
So, either way,
on the Mom front, I'm golden.
353
00:16:48,481 --> 00:16:51,066
What time did you tell
Amy to be here?
354
00:16:51,068 --> 00:16:52,985
8:00.
355
00:16:57,440 --> 00:17:00,242
Sheldon, that pocket watch
is ridiculous.
356
00:17:00,244 --> 00:17:01,443
Nonsense.
357
00:17:01,445 --> 00:17:04,146
I look like a train conductor.
358
00:17:05,966 --> 00:17:09,168
Under what pretext
did you lure her here?
359
00:17:09,170 --> 00:17:12,338
I said, "Hey, want
to come over and hang out?"
360
00:17:12,340 --> 00:17:14,306
Good, good, if you had
said something clever,
361
00:17:14,308 --> 00:17:16,508
she might've gotten suspicious.
362
00:17:17,310 --> 00:17:19,728
Hey.
Hi.
363
00:17:19,730 --> 00:17:20,962
What's he doing here?
364
00:17:20,964 --> 00:17:22,648
Okay, he wants
to talk to you.
365
00:17:22,650 --> 00:17:24,400
Well, I don't want
to talk to him.
366
00:17:24,402 --> 00:17:26,468
And I'm pretty
disappointed in you, too.
367
00:17:26,470 --> 00:17:30,072
Although we both
know that won't last.
368
00:17:30,074 --> 00:17:32,741
Sheldon, you're up.
369
00:17:32,743 --> 00:17:33,742
Thank you.
370
00:17:33,744 --> 00:17:36,745
Amy, I'd like to apologize.
371
00:17:36,747 --> 00:17:39,081
Your accomplishment
was impressive.
372
00:17:39,083 --> 00:17:42,251
And I'm proud of you.
373
00:17:45,055 --> 00:17:46,789
We both know that's
your koala face.
374
00:17:46,791 --> 00:17:48,040
I told you.
375
00:17:49,459 --> 00:17:51,627
Okay, look, he
bought you this.
376
00:17:51,629 --> 00:17:54,096
Jewelry?
377
00:17:54,098 --> 00:17:55,497
Seriously?
378
00:17:55,499 --> 00:17:57,383
Sheldon, you are
the most shallow,
379
00:17:57,385 --> 00:17:59,268
self-centered person
I have ever met.
380
00:17:59,270 --> 00:18:01,670
Do you really think another
transparently manipul...
381
00:18:01,672 --> 00:18:03,505
Oh, it's a tiara!
382
00:18:03,507 --> 00:18:05,173
A tiara!
I have a tiara!
383
00:18:05,175 --> 00:18:07,676
Put it on me, put it on me,
put it on me, put it on me,
384
00:18:07,678 --> 00:18:10,946
put it on me, put it
on me, put it on me.
385
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,234
You look beautiful.
386
00:18:15,236 --> 00:18:17,319
Of course I do, I'm a princess,
and this is my tiara!
387
00:18:27,213 --> 00:18:29,882
You were right,
the tiara was too much.
388
00:18:35,910 --> 00:18:38,589
Howard! Bernadette's...
389
00:18:38,590 --> 00:18:42,425
Oh, she slipped
right by me.
390
00:18:42,427 --> 00:18:43,977
Here's your vest back.
391
00:18:43,979 --> 00:18:45,362
You should keep it.
392
00:18:45,364 --> 00:18:47,230
You could wear it
again sometime.
393
00:18:47,232 --> 00:18:48,481
Where?
394
00:18:48,483 --> 00:18:51,985
I don't know, hunting?
395
00:18:51,987 --> 00:18:53,986
Don't forget to talk to
396
00:18:54,011 --> 00:18:55,311
her about this mishegas
397
00:18:55,407 --> 00:18:57,490
where I don't
get grandkids!
398
00:18:59,293 --> 00:19:00,293
Don't worry, Ma.
399
00:19:00,295 --> 00:19:02,379
I will, as soon
as I can figure out a way
400
00:19:02,381 --> 00:19:05,081
to bring up
such a sensitive issue!
401
00:19:08,252 --> 00:19:10,971
I guess you talked
to your mom, huh?
402
00:19:10,973 --> 00:19:12,455
I was upset.
403
00:19:12,457 --> 00:19:14,958
My mom can be a pretty
good shoulder to cry on,
404
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:18,762
if the smell of Bengay
doesn't burn your eyes.
405
00:19:18,764 --> 00:19:22,649
Look, it's obvious having kids
is really important to you,
406
00:19:22,651 --> 00:19:25,518
and I think I came up
with a solution.
407
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,053
Really?
408
00:19:27,055 --> 00:19:28,572
That's great. What?
409
00:19:28,574 --> 00:19:32,576
Well, seeing as how I make way
more money than you anyway,
410
00:19:32,578 --> 00:19:35,495
what if I work and you
stay home with the kids?
411
00:19:35,497 --> 00:19:37,814
Me?
Yeah.
412
00:19:37,816 --> 00:19:39,749
You know, you'll watch Barney
413
00:19:39,751 --> 00:19:41,585
and pull Cheerios
out of their noses
414
00:19:41,587 --> 00:19:43,152
and go on play dates,
415
00:19:43,154 --> 00:19:44,921
and I'll work and
have conversations
416
00:19:44,923 --> 00:19:48,558
with people my own age
and enjoy my life.
417
00:19:51,262 --> 00:19:52,596
Yeah...
418
00:19:52,598 --> 00:19:55,548
Yay, so we're good.
419
00:19:55,550 --> 00:19:58,885
Yeah, we're good.
420
00:19:58,887 --> 00:20:02,138
You know, I don't know if
this counted as a fight,
421
00:20:02,140 --> 00:20:04,941
but how about
some make-up sex?
422
00:20:04,943 --> 00:20:06,276
I would love that.
423
00:20:06,278 --> 00:20:09,279
But what is that
behind your ear?
424
00:20:09,281 --> 00:20:11,014
Oh, look, it's a condom.
425
00:20:11,016 --> 00:20:15,016
== sync, corrected by elderman ==