[Samantha] When they write the book of my life, what section will I be in?
Mystery, horror, romance
or just misfiled and jammed in the back under Military History?
No, I can't do it like this, I can't.
Sure you can. Hold onto The Civil War, put your foot on The Korean Conflict.
What? No, no, you have to break up with Cloe.
You said you were going to and now, here we are,
sneaking around again... Thank you for helping me find this book on tanks.
No, tank you!
I'm serious, all right? No more fooling around until you tell her.
I will. I'll do it today, I promise.
OK.
I wanna be with you on your birthday.
I wanna start clean with you, wanna be part of your life again.
It's my birthday?
Anyway, my mom is going to throw me a birthday party.
And I'm going to have a cake and ice cream.
And hats. No kazoos. I don't like kazoos.
They sound like bees.
I want you in charge of the guest list.
- Me? - Mm-hmm.
Yey! OK, I'm gonna invite your mom and your dad,
and Andrea, and me, and, uh...
Um...
OK, that's it. Wow. [chuckles]
What do you want for a gift?
I don't know, I feel like I have everything I want, you know?
I have this new chance at my life. I've got great friends and family.
And when Todd breaks up with Chloe, a new boyfriend.
Really? Is he going to break up with her to be with you?
Uh-huh, yeah, and because she's a total loon.
And emotional and a little unstable.
You know what? Switch with me, I don't want my back to the door.
Thanks.
Move. I want the sun behind me today. It'll look good in my hair.
- What are you doing? - Mom's throwing me a birthday party.
- We're figuring out who's coming. - No one. We don't do birthdays.
We go to the spa, we fast all day,
we wrap ourselves in seaweed and we sweat out our toxins.
- I want a piñata. - Oh!
Yeah.
Oh, my God, it's Chloe and Todd. Duck, duck, duck!
Get down! Get down! Get down! Get down!
- Andrea! - What are you doing?
[whispers] Todd is breaking up with Chloe today.
And I'd say she's taking it very well.
- Hey, what are you doing here? - Nothing.
Just came by to see how the breakup went.
How'd Chloe take it?
Pretty well.
Good, because I was afraid she had trouble understanding you
- with your tongue in her mouth. - You were at the aquarium?
What? Todd! You know what? I would not have been fooling around with you
if you weren't going to be breaking up with her.
This was supposed to be just a little overlap.
The longer you keep your girlfriend, I'm just a boyfriend-stealing whore.
You're making me into a whore.
I was going to tell her, but her aunt is sick.
Her aunt is sick?
She found out her Aunt Wendy, who practically raised her,
was admitted to St. Sofia's Hospital.
But you know what? If you break up with her now,
she could meet somebody there. A hospital's kind of like a nightclub.
You know, they got cute people, and skimpy outfits, and drugs.
That's not what she's thinking about.
Because she doesn't know you promised to spend my birthday with me.
You're putting Chloe's feelings before mine because she is vulnerable.
You don't think that I'm feeling vulnerable?
I am turning one!
Oh, Andrea.
Honey, do we need any drinking done?
Sorry, dear, check back next week.
[laughing]
Always funny.
Yeah.
OK, I'm going to make this quick, then you can get back to your nap.
Samantha is not having her birthday party here.
No one is driving a half an hour to the sticks to play Twister
and watch a slideshow of your trip to Akron.
That was a great party.
Samantha's birthday party will be at my place on Saturday.
You can come or not.
I'd love to, but I'm having Samantha's birthday party that night.
It's too bad that you can't make it.
OK, OK, that's enough, Regina.
I hate taking sides against you, and I'll pay for this for years,
but, you know, maybe Sam would prefer a party in the city.
Something hip. You know, for the kids.
Are you telling me you didn't like your last birthday party?
People loved making their own place mats.
It was great, but I'm talking about a real city party.
Like you see in the magazines, where celebrities show up,
like ESPN sideline reporter Suzy Kolber. Come on, we'll make a night of it.
Well, OK. But I do the food. That part's always a hit.
Who doesn't love ambrosia salad?
No Todd on my birthday because of some sick aunt.
We should get a Todd piñata. A Todd-yata.
So I've called 21 people and they all have jury duty.
On a Saturday night?
- There must be some really big trial. - No, there is no trial.
These people are making up lies to get out of something they don't want to do.
Oh, my God.
I do not want to go over to his place.
He's gonna break up with me. I could tell it in his voice.
Then don't let him. He has no right to break up with you.
Not when your cousin is in the hospital on his deathbed.
- I don't have a cousin in the hospital. - You bet your ass you do.
Oh!
- Yes. Cousin What's-His-Name? - Yeah.
Go to the hospital, find the name of someone who's there
in case he sends flowers.
Then if he goes there, just put a picture of yourself
next to the sick guy's bed. It's airtight.
You bought yourself a boyfriend through Valentine's Day.
God. Can I train with you, Master?
The way of the samurai is a lonely path, darling.
For you, ladies. From these gentlemen right over there.
But maybe not so lonely tonight.
[chuckles]
"Sick aunt." Chloe is lying.
Once I prove that, Todd will have no problem breaking up with her,
and he will be mine. And in time for my birthday.
- So Todd is coming? - Yeah.
OK. Because this thing is really starting to fill up, so...
[indistinct chatter over PA]
Hey. Got to stretch it out, you know.
- Help you? - Oh! Hey there, nurse.
Hi. Yeah, I'm just looking for my Aunt Wendy.
Last name?
It's just Wendy.
Always been Wendy to me. Aunt Wendy. She's sick.
Don't have a Wendy here.
Thank you very much. She's lying. I win.
Got a Gwendolyn.
[Samantha snickers]
You are a worthy adversary indeed.
- Sorry. Did you need more time? - No. No.
[gasps]
[fake sobbing]
Yes. OK.
[Chloe] Sam?
And please take this woman safely into the bosom and grace
of your all-knowing arms, amen.
Hi, Chloe.
I was just helping this poor woman off to her reward.
- What are you doing here? - Oh, Chloe.
I know that we've had our differences,
but when I found out about your aunt,
I just wanted to put all those things aside and just be with you.
- Hi, Auntie Wendy. - Hi.
And there she is. Your aunt.
Well, congratulations.
No, not congratulations. I'm sorry, condolences.
No, because that's not right because she's not dead.
Congratulations.
Well, I'm off.
Yeah.
Hey, Frank.
I was thinking how it must be gratifying, doing your job.
Being such an important part of all these people's lives,
who are coming and going here.
[chuckles]
There's talk of replacing me with a motion-sensing mat.
Do you like birthday cake?
Hey, Todd, listen, I've done a 180
on this whole you breaking up with Chloe dealio.
I don't think you should break up with her yet.
I was thinking about her aunt and you're right, she's really sick.
Just call me back after you do not break up with her.
Do not! OK. Bye. Hi.
I go to get my suit out of the cleaners, for your birthday party,
the guys there can't stop laughing.
They're waiting to see who picks up this suit,
so they can see what his time machine looks like.
Well, I'm sorry I don't dress like the Internet.
[doorbell rings]
I know, it's strange that I just showed up here,
but I found your address when I was going through Todd's computer last week,
- and I need to talk to you. - Yeah.
Todd... [chuckles]
- ...broke up with me. - Oh?
- Yeah. - OK.
- I really... - What?
...need a friend right now.
All right. There, there. OK, you know what?
Your hands are little close to my neck.
I just don't... Yeah, all right. OK, that's better.
There, there.
[whispers] Dad.
So, you really think that I'm the one that you want to talk to?
Well, yeah. Why not?
- I know you were with Todd. - You do?
No, I wasn't. When?
For three years?
This amnesia thing is really tiring, I'm sorry.
Yeah, no. I know.
When you showed up to the hospital to support me,
that was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
I think maybe I misjudged you.
Yeah, well, it happens.
But you know what? You seem OK.
I mean, it's probably good to just get all this bad news out of the way.
I'm sure that you're probably more upset about your aunt
- than you are about Todd? - No, I'm more upset about Todd.
Are you sure? Because I saw your aunt and she wasn't looking so great.
Sammy? Hi.
I can't go to this thing tonight looking like a hayseed.
- I'm off to the Suit Barn. Bye. - OK.
Yeah. He could come back at any second, so just so you know.
Oh, my God, look at this.
Don't have a fit, I'll clean it up.
No, it's not that. I just have never been in here.
I wasn't even sure if the appliances were real, um.
Oh, come on. You must have cooked breakfast for hundreds of young men.
I can cook, you know. I just usually go out.
That must be nice. Clubs, restaurants...
Yeah, sometimes it's nice to stay in.
- I bet you travel a lot too, don't you? - Yeah, on business.
Where's the...
Where's the farthest you've ever been?
I don't know. Marrakech?
Marrakech. Oh, my God, how exotic.
Mmm.
Howard and I haven't been anywhere but Pensacola. He won't fly.
He hates to take his shoes off in front of people.
But I'm hopeful. I keep buying travel magazines.
OK, do not tell anyone this.
But once a year I buy Good Housekeeping.
- The issue with... - One hundred holiday ideas.
Me, too.
[both chuckle]
You know, Andrea, you could make this kitchen fun to use.
You could have everything in the open, hang a pot rack over the stove.
- Like I can hang a pot rack. - Well, yeah.
My husband does those things for me.
See, I need that. A man with tools. It's very hot.
I can use a man like that.
Howard has shingles.
Anyway, Todd and I were just about to record a new outgoing message:
"Hi, it's the home of Todd and Chloe,
leave a message, whether friend or foe-y!"
Anyway, so he was supposed to do "friend or foe-y!"
And all of a sudden he said, "This isn't working out".
And I knew he meant us.
Because I've had that message for years, people love it.
Mmm. Mmm.
[clears throat] And he gave no reason at all?
Nope. But I know he's seeing someone.
- You do? How can you? No, you can't. - Because he's Todd.
- That's what he does. - What's what he does?
Not leave someone until he has someone else.
You know, like how he was with you before he left his previous girlfriend?
And he and I were making out for a full two weeks
before he finally broke it off with you.
Hmm?
So, Howard, are you enjoying your city party?
Even Samantha didn't bother to come.
The place will fill up, they're fashionably late.
You know some of these people, these glitterati,
they don't roll in until at least 8:30.
Look at you. Very nice.
Yes, yes, he knows. Moving along.
[lounge music]
Look at me, my shoes are all wrong.
No one will see me since you didn't get anyone here.
I did so! This is not everyone. Other people are coming.
[doorbell rings]
See?
[grunts]
Hello. I wasn't going to come, but my wife doesn't want me around
during our daughter's homework time. She says I get impatient.
It's just decimals, for God's sake.
You move it one place for every tenth, how hard is that?
I'm going to want some wine.
OK, now everyone is here.
Why didn't you tell me?
I know 15 Eurotrash partiers who could be here in five minutes.
Samantha's party, you can't fill it with strangers.
- She has amnesia. - Start dialing.
- Hey. Happy birthday. - Hi.
Thank you. Before we go to the party,
I need to ask you something quick.
Were you fooling around with Chloe before you broke up with me?
You look really pretty.
Were you ever going to tell me about it?
I did. Before the accident.
Oh, God, don't. You can't pull it off.
Well, I'm sorry I'm not as good a liar as you.
You were able to sleep with the French guy.
I can't believe you're gonna bring up René right now.
I think it's the perfect time to bring him up.
You didn't know about that until after we broke up.
You didn't know about Chloe until after.
- That is very different! - [laughs] How?
Because I am not like that anymore.
That was Bad Sam and you're just, you know, Same Todd.
And I don't want to live like that. I have nothing to hide.
Hide!
Go in that one. Go into that one.
Oh, my God.
[whispers] To an outside observer, this might not seem
like a very healthy relationship.
[up-tempo music]
You sure? OK. All right.
- Anybody? - [doorbell rings]
Oh, Frank, my hands are full, could you get that, please?
Nope. I'm off the clock.
I don't open doors, I won't call you a cab,
and I won't find you an escort service. Good ambrosia, though.
Oh, thank you.
Would you have broken up with Chloe if I hadn't pushed you?
Wait, you want to talk about this now?
- You got somewhere to be? - OK. Yes.
- No, you would not. - Shh!
- How do you know about Chloe and me? - She told me.
Because this is what you do, right? Because you can't be alone.
You just swing from girl to girl like monkey bars.
- Why is Chloe talking to you? - Because...
That is, you know, it's not important.
Did you tell her you and I have been making out?
No, Todd, I think that the girl has been through enough, don't you?
- Bad Sam. - Stop that!
[rattling]
- She's coming. She's coming. - What?
Move. Move out of my way!
Get down!
- Oh, God! - Oh, God, you scared me.
Yeah, you scared me too.
I thought you were Todd.
What are you doing?
I was just getting some shoes to wear for my birthday party.
Well, you didn't say you were having a party.
Oh, yeah. Well, it's a surprise.
- But you already know. - Oh, shoot, I ruined the surprise.
- What? - I don't know.
I can't do this. I can't do this.
I'm sorry, Chloe, Todd and I are together.
Oh, my God, you're so pathetic.
I know you have amnesia and everything, but you tried this already, remember?
Where's Todd supposed to be this time?
Where is he? In the bathroom? No, you did that one.
Oh! Maybe he's in the closet? Maybe he's in here.
- That would be devastating. - [rattling]
I thought you were my friend.
You came to the hospital and everything.
Oh, my God, you two deserve each other. Good luck.
[door slams]
- The hospital? - It doesn't matter, OK?
She's right. I mean, look at us.
Yeah, Chloe's gone, and I am sitting here,
but maybe I'm sitting here because I'm not her.
Or maybe I'm sitting here because you just can't be alone.
You know, now with you, I don't know if I'm me or if I'm just "not her".
Are you saying you don't want us to be together?
No, I'm just saying that I am so tired of being not someone.
It's time for me to be someone.
Maybe if we were different people or we had never met,
we could have a fresh start, but we're not.
You still have stuff here, you know.
I'll always have stuff here, Todd.
♪ Happy Birthday dear Samantha... ♪
[Samantha] So the book of Sam is ready for volume two,
a stack of blank pages, and no better way to begin
than celebrating my first birthday with my parents, my friends
and my remarkably attractive and diverse seventh-grade class.
Make a wish and blow.
- OK. OK, um... - Make a good one.
- [Dena] Ooh. Ooh! - [sighs]
- [cheering] - [knocks]
- [man] That was great. - I want that candle when you're done.
- Hey. - Hey.
- What's going on? - I'm sorry, hi.
My name's Todd.
Um, Samantha.
I think I've seen you at the coffee place.
I usually don't do this, but here's my number.
Call me sometime if you want to get together.
- Thanks. - Balloons.
You got 21 people, so you make 20 cuts. It's not rocket science.
Just give me the knife. Give me the knife.
Give it, give it.
- Thank you. Hold this. - [gasps]
I get to cut the first piece, right?
- Square plates for a round cake. - Who wants cake?
You're amazing, Mom. Thank you so much.