SAM: There comes a time in everyone's life when they have to leave the nest.
Me, I've had two times.
Because after a year of recovering from amnesia at my parents' house,
I was ready to either spread my wings and fly
or fall to the ground and get swallowed by a snake.
Okay, Mom. Mom.
Dad? Dad, can you--?
Regina.
Release.
Okay.
Frank, make sure she uses condoms.
Okay.
Oh, my God, Frank. I'm home. I have my own place.
Can you believe it? I can do whatever I want.
I can sing, I can run around naked.
You can learn to tip, as long as you're making a list.
[GABRIELLA CILMI'S "SAVE THE LIES" PLAYING]
[SINGING]
[HUMMING]
- I love this song. Aah! - Aah!
Todd.
I thought when we talked on the phone you said you were moving out.
I was. I am. I'm on my way to look at a few places right now.
Really? Are you sure you're not just stalling
because you think I'm gonna change my mind?
Because you know what, if that's the case, I just--
I feel it's gonna be really weird for both of us, you know?
Huh? Oh.
Apartments.
Bay windows. That sounds nice.
Yeah.
Hello?
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
Mom? Dad?
Hello.
- Oh. - Sweetheart, you're home.
- Hey, you look kind of thin. - She's been gone six hours.
I have to do laundry. Plus, I need to take your spatula
because Todd used mine to clean hair out of the drain.
- What are you guys doing? - We're practicing for the contest
at the Walnut Valley Club next week.
[SAMANTHA LAUGHING]
How old are you guys there?
You look so dorky.
- That was last year. - Oh.
We're using this as a training film.
Look, watch, Howard.
There, right there. See? Our footwork is really sloppy.
HOWARD: I think we look pretty good.
Pretty good's not enough to beat Paula Drake.
Oh, I see what this is about.
Your little rivalry with Paula Drake.
Yes, it is. Her and her smug little grin.
She beats me at everything.
This and best tulips, and best chili cook-off.
Oh, and that daughter of hers, she's a doctor,
she's married, she has two children.
You know, and you're single and you're unemployed,
and after your coma, you had to re-learn how to peel an orange.
Hey, I got that in one day.
We've gotta practice that grapevine or we're never gonna get first place.
Third place is a screwdriver set. That's something we could use.
Hey. Hey, what's this?
It's one of your college recitals.
I was in a recital and you taped over it?
How was I supposed to know you wanted to see that again?
What am I supposed to think every time I wanna tape an Oprah, that,
"Oh, Sam might get amnesia.
She might wanna see that first birthday party"?
I used to dance.
You know, I don't wanna sound conceited or anything,
but I'm pretty badass.
HOWARD: Hey, you were incredible. REGINA: Yeah, you take that from me.
- Feel that thigh. - Yeah, hard as a rock. Feel it.
Later. Why didn't you tell me?
I mean, you point out every lousy thing about my life,
but the one talent that I do have, nobody mentions it?
We didn't want you to get a big head.
I wanna see it again. I wanna see it again. Come on. Come on.
Shouldn't you be hunting for apartments?
I set a few traps. I'll check them tomorrow.
I know your game. You have no intention of looking for an apartment.
You're just gonna keep mooching off Sam.
I was looking, okay?
I thought I had money coming from this wedding I shot,
but the bride, you know, she didn't like the proofs.
She's just not going to pay? And you're gonna let her get away with that?
I left messages, e-mail. I don't know what else to do.
I'm an attorney. Come to my office tomorrow
and I'll show you what else you can do.
I just told you. I don't have money for a lawyer.
Are you slow?
Look, I get to bring a bride to tears and kick you out of Sam's apartment?
I should be paying you.
You know what, we should switch things out before we go.
That paper-towel holder goes home with me,
the spatula goes back to the city with you.
Look at you.
You're all grown up.
You got your own spatula.
I did a good job.
- Oh, crap! - What, what, what?
Paula Drake.
I should never leave the house without a bra.
I don't think we need Paula Drake to make that a rule, Mom.
- What are you doing? - Putting on lipstick.
She's my nemesis.
She's your nemesis?
What is she? Does she have an underground lair?
Regina.
- Hi. - I thought that was you.
What are you doing here? Buying a bra, I hope.
Hi, Paula.
Samantha.
Hello.
How is your head injury doing today?
I'm not brain-damaged. I have my own spatula.
Oh, Regina, did I see that you signed up for the dance at the club again?
Yes, you did. Yes, you did.
In fact, I think Howard and I
are gonna give you and Charlie a run for your money this year.
Of course you will.
Like I said at the Chandlers' anniversary party--
Oh, faux pas. Were you not invited?
Anyway, I told everyone
that no matter how many times the Newlys lose,
they just keep on going.
They may be failures, but they are not quitters.
Hey, they're not failures either.
Of course they're not.
Will you have a special seat to watch your parents lose?
She won't be there. She's moved back to the city.
No, I'll be there. Because we're going to kick your butts.
- We? - Yep, that's right. I am your new partner.
And I am excellent.
Two women can't dance together at the club.
Oh, yes, they can,
thanks to those two nice gay lawyers who just moved down the block.
It's a whole new world.
Yeah, well, we made them cry, and we'll make you cry too.
You wanna see some crying? We're gonna bring you to your knees.
And not in some cool dance-move way. Ahh...
- What just happened? - I don't know.
But I got that same high I got when I peeled that orange.
[LAUGHING]
I don't know how it came out of me.
It's just that this Paula Drake woman was attacking my family
and all of a sudden I just became, like, a mother cat.
And my mom was my kitten
and she was being swallowed by a python or something.
- Oh, pythons gotta eat. - What?
Not a kitten person. Surprising, I know, but--
Excuse me, dance competition? Why didn't you tell me about this?
- Oh, because I usually just-- - We're in. I have magic legs.
- Ha. - No, we're not-- We're not dancing.
What do you mean we're not--? We can win.
- You are going down, Newly. - No.
We can dance any other night of the year.
But the Walnut Valley Dance Competition is the one night I get to be on tech crew.
If it makes you feel any better, though, my mom and I are kind of a lock to win.
- So two women dancing. - Mm-hm.
- You're thinking where the boobs go? - Anyone would.
So how's your dad, you know, with you stepping in?
I don't know, she's telling him right now.
God, I feel so bad, though, because he looks forward to this every year.
Thank you, gay-lawyer couple!
Have fun with Sam. I'm off to the boat show.
[LAUGHING]
Whoo!
We're thinking about doing a cha-cha, but we haven't figured it out yet.
We're gonna get these little matching gold dresses.
Oh, God, it's going to feel so good to take this Paula Drake down.
Paula Drake, little matching dresses.
I'm making sure I have all the details for when I repeat the story at work.
You are so not interested in this.
No, I am not interested in this, and why are you?
I mean, you are finally out of the sticks, Todd is almost out of the apartment.
You're healing. Don't open the wound.
This means so much to my mother.
Okay, maybe I'm not drinking enough, because this is unclear.
You don't like your mother, you don't show up at Thanksgivings.
You send your assistant to birthday parties,
you don't do Christmas.
Oh, sweet baby Jesus.
Where are these judges? It's freezing out here.
Well, maybe if a certain shepherd didn't dress like a $2 whore.
- I have a date in half an hour. - Oh, no, you don't.
It is Christmas Eve, young lady. You get back here right now.
- You are a member of this family. - Really? Where do I sign to get out?
Do not make me put down this baby Jesus!
[HOWARD SINGING "SILENT NIGHT"]
Okay, God, I can't wait to put you in a home. Really. Oh, God.
[GASPS]
There, I just won you a free ham.
I like it. I think it's edgy.
Okay, well, now I am making it up to her,
especially if we win.
Because do you know how good of a dancer I am?
Uh, yes, I do. We used to go dancing all the time.
Oh, you used to shake it, and you used to have everyone watching,
and then I would swoop in and I would just spank your ass.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
I love this song.
ANDREA: Yes.
[LAUGHS]
Well, don't just stand there, spank me!
Okay, you can do this.
You know how to dance.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[SIGHS]
Bitch.
Samantha,
get up off the floor.
When your father pulls in, he doesn't stop until he hits that tennis ball.
I talked to my doctor today and I have lost my ability to dance.
Oh, please. I swear, that man just says things to upset me.
Ow. No, Mom, it's the amnesia. He says it happens all the time.
He's seen people lose their ability to play the piano or to speak French.
Last night I tried to dance at a club,
and I unintentionally raised $2,000 for my problem.
Samantha, when you were 4 you couldn't dance either.
Until I pushed you
and I made you practice.
And then when you were 7 you started bringing home trophies.
A Newly never gives up.
It's over, Mom.
The one good thing about my life and it's just gone.
All right, I'm just gonna go get my stuff and head back to the city.
Unless you push me again.
No. Oh, no, no, no.
That was hard on both of us.
Oh, no, no. There were so many tears, so many vodka tonics.
Come on, come on. You just said that a Newly never gives up.
On themselves.
On each other, all the time.
Come on.
And turn. And turn. And turn.
- I don't see hips. Turn. - That's my hip.
- My hip is out. - That's one hip. Cha, cha, cha.
- I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. - All right. Ready?
- One, two, release. Let go! - Wait. I just-- Okay, but--
- I don't see a dancer anywhere. - I am a dancer.
- You are not a dancer. - I am so a dancer!
- I can't hear you. - I'm a dancer!
Then show me you're a dancer--
[BELL DINGS]
Sorry, honey. Gotta turn the chicken over.
And round and round and step and cha, cha, cha.
- That was it. - Do it again.
- I wanna go. And step back-- - Step and-- That's my girl!
Yes, yes! You did it! I knew you could do it!
I think somebody deserves some ice cream.
I think someone deserves some fresh fruit. I do have to lift you.
Why should I pay some hack for taking crap photographs
and ruining my wedding?
We really couldn't do any of this through e-mail?
Look, Jeffrey looks hideous.
He isn't even smiling, and it's his wedding day.
There's nothing wrong with these. Your husband looks hot. Pay the man.
Okay, I don't expect somebody without a ring on her finger to understand.
You just resent women like me because you want what we have.
Okay, one, I've probably already had what you have,
and two, maybe there's no ring on my finger because I don't want one.
- You don't know me. - Oh, really?
Career girl by day, and by night a long line of meaningless affairs
with guys who wouldn't remember you if they bumped into you on the street.
Am I close?
Just putting off the day when you find yourself
dancing next to girls who are ten years younger than you
and you realize you've missed your window.
And you end up in your lonely little apartment,
curled up in front of the television, eating your sad-looking meatloaf for one
and wearing a sweatshirt that says, "Forget love, I'm falling in chocolate."
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna take a ten-minute recess.
No, I don't need ten minutes.
I don't care if you pay me or not, because those pictures are great.
- The problem is you. - Excuse me?
When I look at these, I see a guy who loves his wife,
and all you see are the flaws.
You women complain that there aren't any good guys out there,
then you find one who treats you well
and remembers that your favorite flower is the daffodil
and held your hand while you were in a coma--
- What? - Even after you cheated.
- I never cheated. - And you still think
there's something better out there.
So you turn to the one guy who actually loves you and you say,
"You know what, we're not right together. You have to move out."
Well, you know what? I am moving out, all right?
I don't care if I have to live in a box.
And for your information, a guy did offer to marry me.
And if that stick would have turned blue, I'd be living in Scarsdale by now. Uh-huh.
Hey, Todd, it's me. Just wanted to let you know
that I am not gonna be coming back to the apartment tonight
because I have to rehearse my dance number with my mom in the morning.
It's kind of fun hanging out with her.
I didn't think that I would really like-- Okay, nice beep. All right.
Mom! Hey, I got the dresses!
Mom!
[CHA-CHA MUSIC PLAYING]
Mom?
- What are you doing? - It's not what it looks like.
You're practicing for the contest with Dad, aren't you?
No.
We were smoking marijuana. I am so hungry.
- Who wants pie? - There's pie.
Here, Dad, I hope you can pull off something with spaghetti straps.
Samantha.
You were making real progress, honey, but you only got the one step.
Now, if the competition was one step long, that trophy would have been ours.
No, no, no, you're right.
I mean, I was just being stupid.
- We would never have won as a team. - Oh...
Plus, this is really the push I needed.
What am I doing hanging out here all day dancing with my mommy, right?
I mean, I'm an adult.
Thanks for doing my laundry.
[SNIFFS]
Mm, that really does smell good.
What is that look for?
She said herself she knew we couldn't beat Paula Drake.
She practically moved back home.
You guys have been out in that garage ten hours a day.
She did it to be with you.
Howard, please, I know my own daughter.
She hasn't wanted to spend time with me since she was 12 years old.
Can we please go back out there? We've got a lot of work to do.
You know, I think I'm done for tonight.
I don't even want any pie.
That bride messengered over the check this morning.
There's enough here for first and last month's rent plus security.
Huh. What I said must have gotten through.
No, what you said scared the crap out of her.
I had to talk her out of a restraining order.
Great.
So...
- Now I can move out. - Yeah, and Sam can get on with her life.
- And there we are. Thanks, Andrea. - Mm-hm.
- Andrea. - Right. Right.
And, hey, listen-- Um...
You're not going to end up alone, making meatloaf for one.
And somewhere out there, there's a girl who's just gonna--
Sorry, I can't do it, it's too weird.
We tried.
[JAZZ PLAYING]@n
[CHATTERING]
Who is that guy?
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
That was Drake and Romero.
You guys are next.
I will deny that we had this conversation,
but I'm gonna give you guys some extra light.
I was just warming them up for you, Regina.
- Where's Charlie? - Poor thing hurt his knee.
But fortunately, my good friend Mateo,
three-time international ballroom-dancing champion,
- was able to be with me. - So when do I get my money?
ANNOUNCER: Now, please welcome, next to the floor,
Newly and Newly, and the cha-cha.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
You ready, Regina?
Hurt your knee.
I think the expression is "break a leg."
I swear to God, if you don't hurt your knee right now, I'll break it with a pipe.
[GROANING]
- Oh, the pain, it's on fire. Oh... - Easy, De Niro.
Flamingo down. Flamingo down.
- Weber and Duncan on deck. MAN: I don't believe it.
What's going on? Are you okay?
I'm so happy you came. I was afraid that was going to be our last fight.
No, Mom. I want to have lots of fights with you.
I mean, it's only been a year since we started over, right?
What kid leaves home after a year?
Oh, it's getting worse! It's like a branding iron searing my flesh!
It hurts, we get it.
ANNOUNCER: So last chance for Newly and Newly?
Not on your life. Ready?
What, me? Mom, you won't win.
No, Samantha. We won't win.
I was hoping you would ask.
- Here, take this. Take this. - Okay. All right.
- Positions. - Positions.
[CHA-CHA MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, my God, we're doing it.
And--
You know when you think something is going to go badly
and it goes just okay so you think it's going great?
It's probably worse than you ever imagined.
Are you sure you want more light? Because I was thinking more darkness.
We don't have to go through this to see each other.
Just come over. I'll be there.
- That's good to know. Thanks. - Well, call first.
- I do have a life. - Yeah.
Okay, maybe I was wrong.
Maybe I didn't lose every good thing with my amnesia.
Some things are in there to discover.
Some can be re-learned.
And others, if they're important,
well, I just gotta trust they'll be there when I need them.
[MUSIC STOPS]