SAM [IN VOICEOVER]: A chance to rebuild your life
from the ground up is a pretty big job.
Especially when there are cracks in your foundation.
But an important tool is self-respect,
being able to look yourself in the mirror and like what you see.
- Paper or plastic? - Ah!
Hey there.
I was just
bringing you guys some food.
I mean, you're always feeding me,
[CHUCKLES] so...
Now we are even.
You know, if you got a job,
you wouldn't have to steal food from your parents.
I'm looking. But I just don't wanna have a job.
I wanna have the job. You know, I quit my last job because I--
Because you made a lot of money doing bad things.
Can I finish?
Because
I made a lot of money doing bad things
but now I just wanna do something that is meaningful.
You're the one who said that I was cut out for better things, right?
That was when the leaves were green.
Look at all the pretty fall colors.
I'm very close.
I sent out my résumé to every single charitable organization
and nonprofit in Chicago and I posted it online.
Online?
You know, if you watched the local news like a normal person,
you'd realize that's how the perverts get you.
Well, I will take that risk.
And the cream corn.
Sam, you have six e-mails here from a Mr. Footsiepants.
Ugh. Just delete those.
God, he is relentless.
Plus it doesn't matter because in about 30 minutes,
I have an interview with a certain BME Foundation.
They help the poor or the sad or feeble or something,
I was just too excited to read the whole thing.
[SCREAMS]
Hey, Sammy. You look great. You're definitely gonna get that job.
- Todd? - Sammy, it's me.
Look me in the eye.
You have to remember your own brother.
Seth, I told you she wouldn't think it was funny.
Sam, this is Seth. He's an old friend of ours.
Hey.
Okay, mine.
Great. It's nice to meet you.
Yeah, he's just moved back from Florida and needs a place to crash.
Oh, okay.
[CHUCKLES]
- Can I talk to you for a sec? - Yeah.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
What are you doing? He can't crash here.
- Why not? - Because you're already crashing here.
I'm not crashing, I pay rent. I'm your roommate.
Well, then, you know, it's just-- It's too many men, all right?
Just with you, the soap in the shower looks like a hamster.
This is my home.
I can have friends stay over if I want.
Really? How would you like it if I just, like, all of a sudden,
brought home my girlfriend
- to spend the night? - Is Heidi back in town?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Okay, I don't even wanna know.
Hey, those are my tweezers.
By which I mean, they are your tweezers.
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]
Here are the shoes for the interview.
SAM: Thank you.
How do I look?
- Nothing works. - What?
Except those earrings. Can I borrow those actually?
- I have a meeting today. - Yes.
Now I'm gonna be late.
- Ah. SETH: Hello, Andrea.
[CHUCKLES]
Seth. Oh, God, it's back.
That's right.
And I'm carrying your baby.
I hoped you were dead.
I mean, I heard you were dead. And then I hoped it was true.
Well, I don't know if you follow pro basketball
but I just signed on with Chicago.
Still a towel boy?
- Still a lawyer? - That was a good one.
Okay, is this better?
SETH: Oh, no, no, no.
Wide belts are out.
Look, I'm not just a cliché, I keep up.
SAM: Ugh. Ooh.
Darn it.
Why am I listening to a thong inspector?
SAM: Hello?
[INSECT BUZZING]
Hello?
Is any--? Hello, is anybody here?
I'm here for the interview.
Please don't be perverts. My mother will never shut up.
WOMAN: Five minutes early, impressive.
Though on time would seem less desperate.
Oh, my God. What are you doing here?
- I'm your interview. - You?
You're BME?
Best Mom Ever.
Ugh. I changed belts three times for this?
- And that's the one you picked? - I'm out of here.
Samantha, you're not going anywhere.
- Why not? - Because I have your keys.
- No, give me those. Give me that back. - Duh-duh-duh.
I'll give them back to you once you hear me out.
I have four words to say:
You, me, real estate.
I have four more words:
[SPEAKING SLOWLY] I'll take the bus.
Samantha.
You said you wanted to do good.
What's better than putting families in homes? You like families.
In theory, yes.
They sound a lot better on paper.
Look, all we need is your license. I'll do all the work. I got us that building.
If we sell it, you'll be able to pay your bills for three months
with the 30 percent commission you're gonna make.
You mean 50 percent.
Wow, I heard you were good.
- Deal. - No.
No, I did not leave real estate to go back into real estate.
What kind of mother would I be if I allowed you to starve to death?
What are you trying to prove?
You've finally lost those five pounds.
Well, what about you? I thought Dad didn't want you to work.
Well, he also doesn't want his daughter foraging for food in dumpsters like a bear.
I am not a charity case, okay?
I am a intelligent and capable woman.
In fact, I happen to have several promising offers
[SIGHS]
from Mr. Footsiepants.
Okay, okay, I will do it. But just for now.
I know. I understand.
I know that you don't wanna do this forever but, you know, until you do.
Listen, we have a showing tomorrow morning,
I've made up fake listings so people will think we've done this.
No. No fake anything, all right?
I have done that before and this time I'm not gonna lie about it.
And I'm not going to compromise myself, understand?
Absolutely.
No lying of any kind.
Okay. Thank you.
Starting now.
Oh, I love it. I love it.
So much light.
Isn't there? Owen, I shouldn't be saying this but this is our favorite listing.
- Isn't it, Samantha? - Mm. Certainly up there.
That sounds terrible to say though. Like having a favorite child.
- Do you have children? - No, no, but one day.
God forbid.
Really, because the architecture is fantastic.
It has all the detail of an early Hans LaQui.
You have a very good eye.
Yeah, but it's not.
It's not. Actually, the buildings on either side are
but this one was built about 30 years later by an imitator.
Which makes it even more rare.
Wow, your honesty is so refreshing.
Isn't it? Isn't she just--?
We'll knock off 30,000 if you buy it.
Apparently, we're in a very unstable market.
[CHUCKLES, CLICKS TONGUE]
- Funny, I like that. - Ha-ha-ha.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Oh. Uh...
Another realtor. Awkward. I'll take it outside.
Oh, take your time.
Give us a chance to call our other buyers.
- He seems nice. - Yeah.
- What are you doing? - Improving your curb appeal.
It's obvious he likes you. Let's close this deal.
Oh, that is just too bad.
I was really looking forward to working with you. Tsk.
I'm so sorry we couldn't close the deal.
Oh, jeez, could you get that for me, please?
No. This is what I'm talking about.
I'm not gonna compromise myself for this job, okay?
Samantha, it's called sales.
Real estate is not about selling a building, it's about selling yourself.
No, selling yourself is actually called prostitution.
Well, real estate is the second oldest profession.
- No, it's not. I have amnesia - Is too.
- but at least I know that. It is not. - Is so.
Man, those people
- didn't make me laugh once. - Oh.
[LAUGHS]
Owen, you must have an awful lot of questions.
Why don't the three of us discuss this over drinks?
- I could do that. - Shoot, it's just gonna be the two of you.
I remembered I've another showing, have fun.
- Regina. - Not now, can't talk. Phone's ringing.
- Oh, senator. - Ha, ha.
[REGINA LAUGHS]
So if you do plan on buying this building here,
I just want you to know that I'm gonna be completely honest with you
about all of its faults.
I know, that's so weird.
- Are you new at this? - No.
No, actually, I've been doing it for quite a while.
I just haven't been working that long with my momster.
I call my sister "momster."
Yeah, no, just because she's kind of like a mother
and a monster. Heh.
- Arr. - Heh.
You look hot.
Thank you.
Let's please just try to keep this about business, okay?
No, hot.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Don't be nervous. It wastes energy.
Plus, when I was in Africa, they told me it attracts bees.
You went to Africa? Oh, that's so funny, I went to Africa.
I mean,
Miami Beach. But, yeah--
Why did you go to Africa?
Uh-- Um, heh.
I was making water with the sun.
Wow, that's really beautiful.
Sorry, what does that mean?
[CHUCKLES] I don't know.
- I'm sorry. - It means one of my companies
builds solar stills,
which makes potable water for areas suffering drought.
Oh, so you do good for people.
That's what you do. Ha-ha.
- Oh, I try. - Hmm.
So if someone ever asks you what do you do,
you just say "good." Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah, that's why I wanna get the building.
Because I wanna convert it into solar-powered green spaces,
so that low-income families don't have to pay for energy.
Can I get some potable water over here, please? Ahem.
Sorry, I kind of get a little geeky when I talk about this stuff.
No. No, it's not--
It's not geeky at all.
I love it.
[CHUCKLES]
[EXHALES]
Well, we should talk about the building, right?
Yes.
Yes, we should talk about the building.
Please don't tell my momster.
Oh, we had such a magical night.
We had drinks and then we had dinner and then we had coffee and--
And then you slept with him to sell him a building.
No.
We spent the evening just getting to know each other.
Like his-- Let's see, his middle name is David.
He's allergic to raisins
and he lives this completely green lifestyle.
I mean, his whole house is green.
Except for the ceiling, it's white.
I tried to have a one-night stand on a plane once.
But we crossed the International Date Line
so it ended up being a two-night stand but--
It was not a one-night stand, okay?
Owen and I had a connection.
Oh, us too.
Yeah, we switched planes in Hong Kong.
Anyhoo, oh, he is just such an amazing person.
Did I tell you guys that he makes water for thirsty people?
I mean, how sexy is that?
Guys, I really-- I think I like him.
I like someone too. Seth.
Oh, that's so funny because you also hate Seth.
But I like basketball players.
And Seth can get me to Tony Dane, my favorite player on the team.
Andrea, no.
You're not gonna pretend to like Seth to go meet a guy, are you?
Well, hey, I'm not trying to sell him a building.
We had a connection.
I slept with him because we care about each other
and we both wanna save the world.
Those are the only reasons I have sex too.
Except for the guy on the plane. I have such a soft spot for copilots.
Hey, Frank.
- Miss Newly? - Mm-hm.
A nice young man driving an electric car puttered by and left you this.
Don't say another word.
Don't cheapen this for me, Frank.
I had a magical and unforgettable evening.
And at what point were you elected fire chief?
Ha, ha.
Samantha Newly.
- What did you do? - Nothing.
What happened with Owen yesterday?
Yesterday?
Yesterday? Nothing.
Nothing. We had drinks. We talked.
We-- Just-- It was a little bit of drinking. It was a lot of talking. Why?
Because he's not buying the building, that's why.
- He's not? - He found another building he likes better.
What other building? Nuh-uh.
I thought I told you to charm him.
I did charm him.
I was very charming.
I bet she charmed the pants off him.
I don't understand. You've had so much experience.
Something wrong with your technique.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, my.
My technique is fine, Mother.
Well, obviously not. Maybe I could show you a thing or two.
[LAUGHS THEN CLEARS THROAT]
No, I'll tell you who knows how to handle a businessman. Your father.
Mm. Oh, I give up. Frank, see what you can do with her.
Having a good day, Frank?
- Best of my career. - Yeah.
TODD: We should be watching wrestling.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
Hello, Andrea, you should have been here five minutes ago.
I was naked from the waist down.
Because he sat on a pizza.
Point is, naked, waist down.
What's going on, Andrea?
Okay, this may sound stupid but I was thinking last night--
What were you wearing?
And I realized that maybe the reason you drive me crazy is that
you drive me crazy.
[SNORTS]
Okay, what?
ANDREA: Okay, what? I--
Don't make me say it.
I wanna take you to dinner tomorrow night.
Oh, come on, Seth, you're not falling for this, are you?
Your eyes are so brown.
She's up to something.
Yeah, and we're gonna get up to something too
if you would just shut up.
- You have great hair. - Thank you.
No, I'm serious, man. Think about it.
I mean, she's her and you're you.
- Meaning what? - Meaning she's hot
and you're a guy who sits in pizza.
What will people say when they see you two down the street?
Either A, I'm super talented or B, I'm super loaded.
Or that you're dying and she's your last wish.
Yeah, so dinner? Tomorrow night?
Okay, wear something
else.
[SIGHS]
How could he not buy the building after I slept with him?
Well, you didn't sleep with him to make him buy the building.
Well, no, of course not.
I slept with him because I like him.
I just kind of thought we were in a different place.
I thought we were in the place where we buy each other's buildings. Thank you.
Maybe he just likes your building more like a friend.
Oh, God, I can't believe how stupid I am.
Of course-- I mean, why would he--?
Why would he buy the building when he can get the realtor for free?
Hey, I think you're lucky he didn't buy it.
How am I lucky?
Because if he did, you'd always be wondering if he did it
because he owes you.
Oh.
Oh, I get that.
You know, like a whore.
I said I get it.
By his not buying your building, it shows you how much he respects you.
No, you're right. You're absolutely right.
Wow, I like him very much now.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Hey, I got your message.
What's up?
- Good news. - What?
- Hey, Samantha. - Hey, you. What are you doing here?
- I'm buying your building. - What?
- Aren't you excited? - Thrilled.
Why don't you just leave the money on the nightstand?
What is the matter with you? You come back and behave yourself.
Sorry, are you mad at me?
Well, no, at first, I wasn't and then I was and then I wasn't again,
but you couldn't leave that alone, now could you?
Heh-heh. Excuse my sister. She had a major head trauma.
We don't let her use scissors.
I didn't wanna cause a thing here. I just wanted to buy the building.
You should've thought of that before you jumped in the sack. Yes, I slept with him.
I hope you're happy, Mom.
We hope you're happy, Mom.
God rest her soul, she died when we were really little.
I don't know what you think
but this has nothing to do with what happened.
Yeah, well, then why did you change your mind?
The other realtor was lousy in bed.
Too soon? Sorry.
I just got a bad vibe from the other guy. I thought he was hiding things.
Oh, well, Lord knows we don't hide much.
Don't start with me, this was your idea.
I did not tell you to go all the way.
It's not like we're trying to sell a mall.
Samantha, I don't know what I did wrong but I know I did something and I'm sorry.
And I'd like to make it up to you by not buying the building.
You would do that for me?
Well, for you, Samantha, I would not buy every building in the world.
Aw.
Oh...
I'll take off 40,000, that's it.
Thank you.
- Wow. - Ahh.
Chili's. Uh-huh.
I've passed this place a hundred times, never thought to come in though.
No, you're missing out.
I mean, look at this right here.
Crispy Honey-chipotle Chicken Crispers.
I mean, you could stop at any one of those words and be very happy.
[CHUCKLES]
You know what makes me really happy?
How handsome you are.
Are you doing something different?
I do a lot of things different.
Some of them go over well, some of them don't.
And you smell
amazing.
- You wearing cologne? - No.
I'm eating a ton of corn.
It makes me smell sweet.
Like you, you little minx. Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, my God, you touched my nose.
How hot.
We should do that dog thing where we eat something until we kiss.
You know what I'm talking about? Like this. Come here.
Woof. Woof-woof-woof-woof.
Woof-woof. Woof. Oh.
[GROWLING]
- Oh... - Get it. There, go.
No! No! I cannot do this.
- I am an attorney and you're disgusting. - Ha-ha.
- I'm going. - Now?
Before you get a basketball player's phone number?
What?
Excuse me? Basketball? I don't know what you're talking about.
All right, I had you going though with the whole:
Woof-woof-woof-woof-woof. Ha-ha-ha.
All right, whose number do you want?
I got Michael Dently's.
- Tony Dane's. Dante Roy's. - Tony Dane. That one.
Oh, yeah. No. He's a good guy. He has a boat.
I love boats.
Why are you doing this?
Well, I know how this thing ends.
- What thing? - Look.
You're gonna go out with Tony and you're going to have fun and sex,
and he's gonna buy you a lot of blah, blah, blah.
But after a while, you're gonna want something different.
Something real.
Someone who cares less about what's out there,
- more about what's inside. - Don't touch me.
And I'm gonna be there.
Because I know it's right and so do you.
- You're crazy. - No, I'm right.
No, you're gross.
But this is really good and I'm taking it.
Hey, that's mine.
- Oh. - Jeez, if I'd known
you were gonna carry me for ten blocks,
I wouldn't have had dessert.
- Aah. Aah. - Aah.
No,
it's my fault.
I walk everywhere and I forget that pretty girls like to wear pretty shoes.
I'll call you tomorrow.
SAM: One way to build self-respect
is to surround yourself with people you admire
who also admire you.
I'm not carrying you to the elevator.
Shh.
But at the end of the day,
no matter how much someone else cares about you,
you have to respect yourself.
To be able to look yourself in the mirror.
TODD: Sam, you're home late.
Long day?
Uh-- Yeah.
Yeah, I was like, "Mom, I wanna go home" and she was like:
"No." Heh.
Yeah, I'm exhausted.
- Night. - Night.
[SETH GROANS]
I think your roommate has a roommate on the side.