SAMANTHA: Sometimes, taking things you like and mixing them together
can make another thing you like even more.
Todd? Todd.
Todd.
What are you doing home?
What about you? Thought you were at granola boy's.
SAMANTHA: Unless it's mixing your current boyfriend
and your ex-boyfriend.
Because granola boy called, and they've got some fresh granola in.
Wow, this is awesome.
I mean, it's awkward.
I don't know why I said awesome. It's not, it's awkward.
Mostly because he's wearing my shirt.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I'll go change.
Good plan.
All right. Well. That went really well, huh?
No.
But I'm glad because now you owe me a favor.
My mom's coming in from Canada.
Wait a minute. She's in Canada?
- You're Canadian? - Yeah, why?
It's just not something that you ever talk "aboot."
[LAUGHS]
Anyway, look, she knows we broke up.
What she doesn't know is that I live on your couch
and that your boyfriend wears my shirts.
Got it. You want me to move "oot."
- Yes. - Okay.
Well, what should I--? Should I come by and say hi to her?
Let me guess. She hates me.
Oh, she might. If she ever met you.
You said you never mixed boyfriends and parents.
That's not true.
I mean, I obviously introduced you to my parents.
Well, sort of.
TODD: Oh, I can't do this. I can't do this. - What is wrong?
It's just being in your parent's house.
They're in Myrtle Beach.
You know, it's your childhood room.
I don't know if I can do it in front of this many unicorns.
Unless you wanna do it in front of the guys
reflooring my apartment, then this is gonna have to do.
- Okay. - Okay.
HOWARD: Hey, Sammy, I saw your car in the drive--
Oh, my God.
Hey, Daddy. You guys bring me anything?
It's okay. You can have the apartment.
I'll go stay at my parents' "hoose."
[UP-TEMPOED MUSIC PLAYING]
Why would you invite your boyfriend to meet your parents?
Seriously, you need a handler. You cannot be left alone.
I don't want things in my life to be separate.
I like everything individually,
so why wouldn't I like them all mixed together?
You like your red wine, right?
- Yeah, I love it. - You like martinis?
Sure.
Enjoy.
Thank you, I will.
Mm, mm, mm.
DENA: I'd be happy to just mix with my own boyfriend
but Chase is always busy.
I've been trying to get him to go see that movie Australia with me.
I even told him it's a big romance starring Hugh Jackman.
What more could a guy want?
He used to want to spend every second with me.
Now I never see him.
I see him every day.
Believe me, you're not missing anything.
Hey, yes. That's an idea.
If I wanna see him, go to his work.
Which is also my work, so no.
I'm telling you, do not mix parts of your life.
I think you are wrong.
And Owen is amazing.
And I cannot wait for my parents to get to know him.
Okay, well, have you considered this?
When your parents get to know Owen, Owen will get to know your parents.
No, I have not.
Okay, so I'm gonna put these fluorescent bulbs in all of the lamps.
Dad, you put out the recycled toilet paper.
Oh, and no jokes about how you can see stuff in it.
Oh, and mother,
I made up these cards that I thought might come in handy.
Is it a party game? I love games.
What's it called?
It's Things to Avoid During Dinner with Owen.
HOWARD: How lucky were you to find that one?
"Has he ever been married?
Is he married now?
Does he have children?
Can he have children?
Your sex life.
Our sex life."
Howard, can you believe this? Our daughter is embarrassed by us.
Us? She didn't give me any cards.
What? I can't tell the constipated parrot joke?
No, please.
Because Smitty and Reno down at the chicken farm loved it.
And they're a tough laugh.
Daddy, for me?
Okay.
But you do realize that he hasn't gone for days.
- No, I know. - All righ--
All right. You know what?
I was once told I was a bewitching conversationalist.
Why am I being singled out? I mean, I've already met Owen.
Yes, and pretended to be my sister.
So you can understand my concern.
Fine, fine. I won't speak.
I'll just cook and bus tables.
- What, I'm the hired help now? - Yes.
But we think of you as almost a member of the family.
- Well done, sir. - I'm sorry?
Your mother?
Who is coming to stay so Miss Newly would clear out?
Excellent story. Well-played.
No, no, no, my mom really was coming but she canceled.
I was gonna call Sam and tell her to come home.
If I may.
Rarely does the universe offer you a weekend to yourself.
And the "Madden Football"game you ordered.
Speaking as one whose in-laws are in the second week of their visit,
ignoring such a convergence seems like a slap to God's face.
Let's go.
Okay, so we're not leaving till we're done.
First up is permits. Andrea.
Really? Is she gonna be in the meetings now?
Oh, just ignore me. I'm not even here.
She's not even here.
- What are we gonna do about those? - We're still waiting for the city--
I'm sorry, Jerri, waiting?
So now waiting is doing? Is that it?
Wait, I see the similarities.
I see them. They're participles, right?
They're both action words like groveling, packing, firing--
[DENA GIGGLING]
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were kidding.
I thought you're like, "Grr! I'm a bear."
You cute little baby bear. That's it, yeah, you are.
Okay, okay, Dena?
- Dena. - Oh, yeah?
Oh.
[GIGGLING]
Kicked out of the bear cave.
[DENA GIGGLING]
Call me.
[JERRI CHUCKLES]
HOWARD: You know, Owen,
I was an environmentalist before it became a fad.
If I'd ever gotten these two to turn off a light when they left a room,
I'd be a rich man myself.
I never said that you were rich.
Oh, it's okay.
I am.
Samantha, would you pass the potatoes to Owen?
And, Howard,
would you like to ask our guest if he wants to have children someday?
Okay, Owen, you're gonna love Regina's chicken salad.
Oh, thank you, it looks fantastic but I don't eat chicken.
- Pardon me? - Oh, but it's okay.
I mean, nothing to worry about. I have plenty of potatoes here.
- Do you have a problem with chicken? - Daddy.
- No. - Oh, okay.
Okay.
Just the industry that farms it.
Which I now understand means you.
SAMANTHA: All right, what have we got?
- Chicken stock. REGINA: Yams.
We have yams.
Really, I'm fine.
Well, I guess you gave your little topic cards to the wrong parent.
Mother, I told you he was a vegetarian.
Which is why I made a salad.
With chicken.
A chicken salad.
Chicken.
Salad.
You know, it's okay, I--
I can pick around it.
So is this a humane thing?
Because we have free-range chickens only.
It's more of an environmental concern.
Factory farming uses a disproportionate amount of resources.
Oh, here we go.
The part where I'm personally responsible for "global warming."
Daddy, it's not "global warming, " okay?
It's very real.
Owen and I actually went to a lecture about it last week.
An incredibly informative,
maybe about an hour-and-a-half too long, lecture.
And now I get one in the privacy of my own home.
Daddy, this is what Owen does for a living.
He's saving the planet.
And I'm killing it, right?
And my little hobby provides food, jobs, a roof over your head.
And let me remind you, chickens built this house.
Really? I'd love to see pictures of that.
REGINA: Oh, look, beets.
Nature's candy.
You know, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause problems.
I should probably go.
- Yeah. SAMANTHA: No.
Maybe we can do this some other time.
Yeah, but you're going to miss dessert.
- I hope you like panda. - Daddy, stop it.
- Sam, I'll call you. - No, no.
- I'm coming with you. HOWARD: No, you're not.
Walk out that door, missy, don't bother coming back.
Then fine, I won't.
Come on, Owen.
Thank you for a lovely evening.
Creamed corn?
Panda?
He rode his bike.
Last night was a complete and utter disaster.
I feel bad for you, Sam. I do.
But the lesson we can all take from this is I was right.
Yes, you were right. Never mix.
My father still wouldn't talk to me this morning.
You guys were talking about chicken and ended up with a beef.
A beef. Right?
I mean, I was just defending my boyfriend.
It's not like I attacking my father and what he does.
Well, a guy like your dad is what he does.
You know what I have to do?
I have to go down there, I have to apologize,
and then I have to see what it is that he does.
No, don't, because I spent one day at Chase's office and it ruined him.
- It was horrible. - Meaning?
- You were right. - Yes, I was right.
I'm having a great day.
SAMANTHA: Look, Chapman will be fine.
He just needs to humiliate somebody in public and he'll be back to normal.
Yes. Andrea, please do it.
Just pretend to let Chase take you down.
And why would I do that?
And why would she do that?
So Dena will stop coming to your office.
Deal.
You know who I blame for all of this? Todd's mother.
I hope she's enjoying herself.
MAN [ON GAME]: Interception.
No, no, no, that's interference.
No, that's 98-nothing.
- Okay, switch controllers with me. - Back off, woman.
SAMANTHA: Would the World's Greatest Dad like a mug for his coffee?
If you're talking about me, I like Styrofoam cups.
When they get dumped into the ocean, I get to clog up a dolphin's blowhole.
Actually, the thing about Styrofoam is that the danger of it
is that it has these chemicals that are released when it--
I'm sorry. It was a very informative lecture.
Thanks.
Daddy, I shouldn't have taken Owen's side
without even knowing what you do, or even taking the time to find out.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, well, you've been busy.
You know, you had that whole coma thing going on.
You know, this and that.
So this is where it happens, huh?
Yeah, this is it.
You loved coming here when you were a kid.
You used to sit at this desk and play with the stapler.
Be the boss like your old man.
Will you show me?
Yeah, you just take it and just kind of go like this.
Hey, I'm the boss.
No. Will you show me what you do?
Oh.
No.
You're just being polite. It's okay.
Please? Can I have a tour?
- Okay. Sure, why not? - Yay.
We might have to get booties
so you don't get blood on those nice shoes,
and maybe a shower cap.
[MOUTHING] Shower cap.
So we're projecting revenues escalating in that market,
so I'm gonna need...
[CHATTERING]
People?
[CHASE CLEARS THROAT]
- Andrea. - Hm?
[MOUTHING] I need you now.
Oh.
Yes, Mr. Chapman?
Andrea, it has come to my attention
that you have made some sort of mistake.
Apologize.
Yes.
- I've made-- - Stand up.
I did make a mistake.
I messed up bad.
And I feel I need some sort of slap on the wrist
to show me who's the boss.
Oh, I didn't say to sit down.
- What are--? - Call that some sort of an apology?
- I said everything that we agreed-- - Get up.
I'm sorry, Mr. Chapman.
And I promise this is the very last apology that you will ever need.
- You got it? - No.
- Get on your knees, woman. - I am never doing that.
This is not my fault. I didn't mess things up with your girlfriend.
Okay, apology's accepted.
I'm not apologizing. You apologize.
If you had gone to one stupid movie with her instead of ignoring her,
then she wouldn't have dragged your life into my life.
Just go and fix it.
Okay, double bonuses if no one ever mentions baby bear again.
Okay? Good meeting.
HOWARD: We're home.
Oh, you're back. I'm so glad you two made up.
- So where'd you go? - Chickens.
We went to the farm with the chickens.
Oh, my God, the chickens.
Howard, you did not.
Well, she wanted to see what her old man does.
And now I know. And I'll never forget.
HOWARD: She loved it, didn't you, Sammy? Tell her.
Oh, I loved it. I loved it.
I'd love to stop thinking about it but I just can't.
HOWARD: I got a tape I wanted to show you.
[WHIMPERING]
Samantha, are you okay?
Mom, they have hoses.
They have hoses.
And then the beaks. Oh, my God, the beaks.
HOWARD: Found it.
And that's where they get the cutlets.
Isn't that fascinating?
REGINA: I had forgotten that.
- Yeah. HOWARD: Sammy?
When you were little, I had a dream.
And I was gonna wait until I was dead to tell you about it,
but seeing how much you loved it there today, I--
Okay.
REGINA [ON TV]: Do it again. Do it again.
Do it for Mommy.
Oh, Howard, look, she's taking her first--
HOWARD: Testing, testing.
Okay.
I just saw Terms of Endearment and...
So I think that it's important for me to say
what would happen to everything after I die.
Regina, I love you.
Everything's yours.
REGINA: Howard, are you coming or not?
Will you just--? One minute.
REGINA: Don't yell at me.
You're the one that wanted to watch Hardcastle and McCormick.
Okay, anyway, everything except for the chicken farm.
And that goes to my best little girl, Sammy, like she always wanted.
Howard, you left nothing to your mother.
Oh, please send her a copy of this.
I'm not gonna wait until you're dead to see her reaction.
So, Sammy, what do you think?
I think--
I think I'm a chicken farmer. Yeah.
[MOUTHING] Mom.
- Help me. - What is it?
What is it? I'm a chicken farmer.
Oh, that. Honey, relax.
I have promised your father lots of things after he's dead.
Just say thank you and then when he's gone,
you sell the business and go on my trip with me to Hong Kong.
You already have plans?
Well, your father won't go to China.
Ironically, by the time I get there, he'll be six feet closer than me.
[REGINA LAUGHS]
- Hey, Sammy, come here. - Hey, Dad.
- Look. - Yeah.
I've been waiting a long time to give you this.
Guys down at the farm gave it to me for my 20th year in the business.
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
Look at that.
"The cluck stops here."
Smitty came up with that.
And you'll get a chance to meet him
when you hang that over your desk tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
No.
Not until you die.
You got to die first, silly.
Well, you need to learn the business.
You know, right after my death,
you're not gonna be in a very good head space.
You know, Viking funerals are very powerful, unsettling things.
CHASE [WHISPERING]: Dena.
Dena. De--
Excuse me.
Move, move. Thank you.
So you think I'm ignoring you?
DENA: What are you doing here? Don't you have to work?
CHASE: No, I forwarded all my calls.
Well, yeah.
I don't feel like I'm a priority anymore.
I miss the honeymoon phase of our relationship.
Really? I hated the honeymoon phase.
I couldn't wait for the honeymoon phase to be over.
Why, so you could neglect me?
- No. WOMAN: Shh.
CHASE: You "shh."
Look, this part we're in now, Dena, it's...
This part is real.
I'm not a goopy guy.
I'm a bottom-line guy.
I'm a...
Like that guy. What is he, like, a tycoon?
DENA: He's a stockman. - He's a stockman.
Look, I mean, I have no idea what-- It doesn't matter.
DENA: Okay. - Doesn't matter.
The point is I wasn't neglecting you.
I was taking you for granted.
And I haven't been comfortable enough
to do that with anyone in years.
Really?
- Hey. - It's okay.
- Sorry, I'm leaving. - No, wait, wait.
What are you doing? No, come back.
It's so romantic.
You coming through my bedroom window.
This is not romantic. This is me being scared of your dad.
A lot of things that I could be afraid of in this house.
Oh, right, I--
Yeah, I was just...
Just doing my nails as well.
Hey, careful.
OWEN: Oh, yeah.
SAMANTHA: Okay?
- Hi. - Hey, sorry about last night.
I should've just shut up and not made a big deal.
But I got competitive and everything.
Tried to act strong in front of my woman.
I know you're strong.
I see you riding that bicycle on your balcony every morning.
Well, I kind of have to. It powers my electric toothbrush.
Hey, Sammy, I was thinking-- Oh, my God.
- Mr. Newly. - Don't you use my first name.
It's Mr. Newly to you.
Daddy, please.
So, what were you thinking, huh? You gonna steal our little girl away?
Well, think again.
Did you tell him the news?
Daddy, can we please talk about this downstairs?
She's taking over my chicken farm.
- You're what? - Starting immediately.
- No, I'm-- - You are?
- Yeah, tell him, Sammy. - What, a chicken farm?
Stop it, please.
No, I'm not, Daddy.
I'm sorry. I just can't.
So you're...
- You're choosing him. - No.
I got it.
Daddy, I'm--
Owen, I have to talk to my father.
- Okay? - Okay, I'll go.
- He has the hatchet. - Right, right.
I'll call you.
Daddy.
I was not choosing Owen over you. Okay?
You don't wanna run the family business, fine.
It's no problem.
I'm sorry.
I love you, but I just could not do what you do.
- Yeah, because you don't approve. - No.
No, because I couldn't do it, which is why it's good that you do.
Look, lots of us, we eat chicken and hamburgers
and we don't have to think about how we get it
because people like you protect us from having to.
Like a dad.
You know, I knew the farm wasn't right for you.
But when you dropped by the office,
it was like you were my little girl again and I was your hero.
Dad, you still are.
No.
You got a great guy now. And he is, he's great.
I just don't think I handled it well.
Well, the reason I can pick a great guy
is because I have a fantastic one for a dad.
Now, hamburger production.
Boy, oh, boy, you wanna talk about nightmares.
- I mean, these-- - Shh.
SAMANTHA: Ernest Hemingway once said that life is a moveable feast.
I think what he meant is that there's an instinctive human desire
to mix the ingredients of our lives.
Preparing a far richer meal
than if those ingredients had never come together.
So this parrot walks into a taco stand--
- Daddy, no. - Oh, no, Howard.
No. You're not telling that.