SAM [IN VOICEOVER]: You know how when light hits a prism,
it divides into a spectrum of colors?
Well, it's the same with people. I don't mean they're different colors.
Well, they are.
But I mean, in the bright light of day,
they reveal a whole spectrum of character between good and bad.
Me, I'm on the far end.
Super good, which is hard work,
but some things are worth sinking yourself into.
[MUD SPLASHING]
[SIGHS]
Hey, yeah.
You think Owen knows how much money he has,
and that he could actually pay people
to build this park for these kids instead of us doing it?
Well, when Owen and I were together,
he always said things worth doing shouldn't be easy.
That throwing money at a problem is never as rewarding
as doing the work yourself.
No, I-- No, I say that too. I do.
Oh, and the showering each other off afterwards doesn't suck either, huh?
[LAUGHS]
Memories.
You should be the one with amnesia. You really should.
Hey, how are my favorite volunteers?
Wait, hold on. I got dirt.
[SPITS]
Uh...
- Keep up the good work. - You know me. Give till it hurts.
Aah!
Now it hurts.
Chase thinks I love my dogs more than him.
That maybe if I detach a little bit--
I'm sorry, there's mud in your hair.
- What? Still? Where? - Over there.
Wasn't gonna say anything but it was starting to make me sick.
Oh, I just installed this low-flow showerhead
because Owen says it's just better for the earth.
Yay. I love it so much.
Oh, my God. Tony Dane, my famous basketball player boyfriend,
just texted me a smiley face for our two-week anniversary.
See? A colon and a parenthesis.
You know, if you type in 5-8-0-0-8 then turn it upside down, it says "boobs."
- I don't get to pick my memories. - Oh, you both got the steak tartare, huh?
- It looks good. - I'm not gonna finish.
- You wanna share it? - Actually, I--Thank you.
- I quit eating meat. - Excuse me?
Owen says that in some places, bovine wind actually destroys the ozone.
What is bovine wind?
Oh, okay. And I'm done.
Do you really enjoy being this person?
Yeah. I mean, if I didn't, I wouldn't be doing it.
- Sam? - I wanna punch myself in the eye.
You know what? A wise man said that things worth doing aren't always easy.
And who said that? Owen?
This isn't a book report. I don't need to cite my sources.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Oh, my God.
Tony Dane, my famous basketball player boyfriend,
just finally invited me out.
- Hey. - Oh, this is exciting.
- When's the big night? - Tomorrow.
I only have one day to pluck, wax, buff, trim, moisturize, and wax.
You said "wax" twice.
I'm Italian.
Sam. What happened to the showerhead?
Oh, I replaced it with a new a low-flow one. You like it?
It felt like I was standing next to a tall man, sneezing into my face.
Also, I replaced all of our plastic water bottles
with new, reusable ones that taste like metal.
You're welcome.
I don't wanna do this, Sam. Going blind from dim fluorescent bulbs,
having to wash dishes by hand because I can't use the dishwasher.
- We all have to do our part. - I don't.
I'm not dating Owen.
Where was this when we were together?
- All what? - You know, changing just to please me.
I'm not changing to please anybody.
And you know what? I would have changed for you
if it meant me becoming a better person.
I wouldn't have wanted you to,
because I know you would have ended up resenting me for it.
Well, guess what?
Now you're the resenting one,
because you feel less than super in the face of my being so super-duper.
Great. Wouldn't wanna bring you down.
Oh, and I wasn't gonna tell you this,
but the fluorescent bulbs make you look older.
Ugh. They do not, and I don't care if they do.
And they do not.
And I love saving the world. I love it.
I love it.
Here you go.
There you go.
- Plastic bottles? - Here.
You said every time somebody drinks out of a plastic bottle,
- another person dies. SAM: Yeah, well, you know what?
What if they were supposed to die, you know?
This is roast beef. What about bovine wind?
You know what? Without wind, you don't have windmills.
And without windmills, you don't have Holland
or hollandaise sauce, Dutch apple pie, ABBA.
Sam, did you and Owen break up?
No, she's just cheating on him.
I am not cheating on him.
I'm just giving myself some slack, you know?
And this way, I'm not gonna resent Owen,
and I can be with him and I can also be myself.
Oh, and Owen's okay with this?
Oh, no. No, I wouldn't do this in front of him.
No way. He would not like that.
- So you are cheating. - No. Cheating is lying.
All right? I'm just doing something that I don't want him to know about.
Is that lying?
- It's a very grey area. - It really isn't.
You know, I think it's healthy to keep secrets from your man.
Your father doesn't know I stopped breast-feeding you at four weeks.
These just couldn't take it.
No, I switched you to formula. You turned out fine.
I turned out mean and soulless.
Well, maybe if I hadn't cut it with that non-dairy creamer.
Times were hard.
[WHISPERS] Ay-ay-ay.
Andrea Belladonna?
Yes, that's me.
Mr. Dane's car is waiting outside.
[GASPS]
He sent me a car? Tony Dane sent me a car?
[WHISPERING] Do you think he can come inside
so people can see us together?
- No. - Oh.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh.
So where's my guy?
MAN 1: Come on, get in. - Hey.
MAN 2: Look at this.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- I can't believe it.
ANDREA: You people have the wrong car.
You thought you were gonna be alone? Heh-heh-heh.
I like that. Heh-heh.
No, Dena, I can't go shopping with you today.
I have to go finish the park with Owen today.
Maybe next week?
No, wait a minute.
Next week we're hosing oil off pelicans.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Have fun without me though, okay?
All right, bye.
- Hey. You about ready to go? - Yeah.
- I got you a mask. - A mask?
Yeah, we're spreading manure for the lawn today.
You don't wanna get that stuff in your lungs.
Well, if I knew it was manure day, I would have set the alarm for earlier.
[WATER FLUSHING]
Owen.
Hey, what is it? What's wrong?
I just threw up.
[SAM GROANS]
Oh, that came on fast. Are you all right?
No, I'm sorry.
I should go home.
- I'll come with you. - No, no, you can't.
Just-- You--
You have to go finish the park for those kids,
so that they have a place to exercise and be healthy.
So that they don't get sick, like me.
[GAGGING]
Okay, well, we'll miss you.
Yeah, I'll miss you too. Now get out of here before I throw up in my mask.
Go. Go.
[GAGS]
- You are one handsome woman. - Oh, God.
And I normally use that phrase for someone mannish or elderly.
When they did the lobotomy, did they go in through your eye, huh?
I hear you went out with Tony Dane last night.
Yes, I did, and he was wonderful.
It was perhaps the greatest evening of my young adult life.
- You were in the entourage. - What the hell is that about?
I never even saw the guy. The limo was packed.
It was like a clown car jammed full of the world's most beautiful clowns.
There's levels. You don't just start in the pros.
You gotta work your way up.
In the limo means you've made the roster.
Well, I'm about to cut myself from the team.
Tony invited me to Club Roulette tonight and I'm about to text him the middle finger.
Club Roulette? No, no, no. You have to go.
That's the inner circle.
Yeah?
Wait a minute. Why are you so desperate to get me together with Tony?
Because the quicker you're done with him, the sooner you shall be mine.
When it comes to you, the only thing I shall be is repulsed.
This is good, what we're doing.
You know, this is better than building a park because we're creating jobs,
we're stimulating the economy-- Oh, my God.
- What? - I love the strap on those shoes.
- Oh. Ooh. - Oh. Is that silk?
- That would look so good on our jeans. - Sam?
- Aah! Willow. - Hi.
Hi, Willow.
Dena, this is Willow, Owen's best friend who he talks to all the time.
Hi, I'm Samantha's best friend who she talks to all the time.
Well, enough about me. What are you doing here?
Oh, well, guess who wore through another shovel?
- You. - How are you? Owen said you were sick.
Yeah, exactly,
because that's, you know-- That's what I wanted him to think.
- I don't understand. SAM: You know what?
You don't ever let me finish, Willow.
Because see all these clothes that we bought?
These are for poor people who can't afford their own.
- They are? - Yeah, but, look, really, really.
Please don't tell Owen. He'll be so upset,
because, you know, he hates to throw money at things.
I mean, that's what you said. You said that.
Oh.
Okay. Well, bye.
Bye, fellow do-gooder.
Owen won't know, right?
I mean, I pulled that off, didn't I?
Well, hard to say.
- Is Willow very, very stupid? - No.
Then you're dead.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Hello. - Hey, hey, is that Owen?
- Sure, sounds great. - Is it him? Does he sound mad?
- Okay. Okay, thanks. - Hey.
- No, that was Frank. - Oh, thank God.
- Telling me Owen's on his way up. - What?
Now? Todd.
- So, what did you do now? - I lied to Owen about being sick
so I didn't have to scoop poop in the park,
then I ran into Willow while I was shopping.
So now he's probably here to break up with me.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, are you still dating Willow?
- That didn't work out. She met someone. - Yeah.
I need you to call her and see if she talked to Owen.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Oh, God, this is a disaster.
Maybe Willow didn't say anything
and Owen's here to see how you're feeling.
Wise up, man. Women talk, okay?
We are terrible people.
- Hey, Owen. Come in. Come in. - Hey, hey.
How's she doing?
TODD: I'll let you decide. OWEN: Oh.
- Hey, pukey. SAM [WHISPERS]: Hi.
- How you feeling? - Oh, achy, stiff.
The occasional diarrhea.
Yeah, but we can't wash the sheets because we're saving water.
Thank you for all your help, Todd. You can go now.
Oh, good,
because I'd hate to get the occasional diarrhea.
[COUGHING]
So how did it go at the park today?
We finished. We missed you, though.
Yeah, I was sick. Very sick.
- I know. You told me. - Yeah.
Why,
did someone say I wasn't?
Why would they say that?
I don't know. I just--
I just think that there should be a level of trust.
- Agreed. - Because, you know, without trust,
then I don't know what we're doing here.
Uh-- Listen, hey, I brought some soup for you.
All right, enough with the charade, okay? I'm tired of these games, Owen.
I know that Willow told you I wasn't sick.
And you know what? I don't care,
because you need to know that I'm weak and I've been cheating on you.
[MUTTERS]
What do you mean, cheating?
I cannot live this lifestyle anymore.
It's just too much.
Like last week, I was gonna recycle this soda can, right?
But the recycling bin was way down the street.
So I just stood there for half an hour
deciding whether or not the rubber I would lose off my shoes
was worth the metal I was gonna save by recycling the can,
because I know how much we care about the endangered rubber trees, apparently,
and I just really don't wanna think that hard about trash.
Sam, you don't have to do all this.
You just have to be you. Not me.
Yeah, but what if--? What if me likes meat?
And me likes wearing leather?
And me likes long showers?
And I'm talking like a Muppet.
I don't care.
I don't expect you to do all the things I do.
Being me is a major pain in the ass.
- Yeah, it really is. - I know.
[SNORTS]
Oh. Thank you.
Oh, and by the way, Willow never said anything.
Oh, well.
She's a very nice lady.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[WHISPERS] Or perhaps not very bright at all.
[LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, Andrea, you came.
What the hell? Tony's text said I was supposed to be in the VIP room.
I know, this is the VIP room.
So where is he?
Oh, Tony's in the VIP's VIP room.
Oh, my God, is there no end?
It's like those Russian nesting dolls.
Oh, I'm out.
Oh, come on. You think Tony Dane likes a quitter?
He's a professional athlete.
It's all about the competition.
So, what am I supposed to do?
Wrestle one of these skanks to the ground?
Well, as much as I would enjoy that. I mean competition with other guys.
Just start making out with the first guy you see.
Right now. Could be anyone.
The guy standing right in front of you, like here,
in the general vicinity of where I am.
Yes, that's a good idea. That could work.
Hey, Tony Dane.
Thanks for your help.
Pleasure.
You know, you could say thank you. That was my idea.
- You look great tonight. - Thank you.
I feel good.
It's actually kind of nice to just be able to throw the closet door open
and pick out what I wanted to wear
without having to think about what it was made of
or whether little foreign children were involved.
- Cotton, silk and no. Whatever. - Heh.
- Salad for the lady? - Actually, I'm the salad.
Yeah, and I'm the steak. Moo.
- Well, enjoy. - Thank you so much.
Oh, hey, I don't know if I told you this before,
but the mayor is gonna be at the park dedication next Sunday.
Really? That's so exciting.
There's a chance the governor will be there. I'm not expecting anything--
I can't believe that you're eating steak in front of me.
Participating in the eventual destruction of the world.
I'm sorry.
What?
What did you just say?
Nothing. I was just talking about the governor.
Oh, right.
The governor, of course. I'm sorry I interrupted you.
Oh, no, no. I was just saying that the governor will show up to these things--
You selfish, lazy, hypocrite.
Must be impossible for you to wake up, look at yourself in the face,
and know that you are a pathetic human being.
It is. It really, really is.
Is what?
- What? - You said, "It is."
Yeah.
It is.
The steak, it is meaty.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Moo.
OWEN: Heh.
I mean, I should be happy, right?
What is wrong with me?
That's a rhetorical question, by the way.
SAM: Or maybe it's not.
You know, I'm finally getting to be myself around Owen,
and he's letting me and I'm still not happy.
Samantha, sweetheart,
do you remember what I always said to you
whenever I'd meet one of your new boyfriends?
No, I don't.
I would say, "Samantha, you can do better."
Really? You think I can?
Not this time. Owen's perfect.
I know he is.
I just have to suck it up and just be better.
And one day, we'll have the perfect wedding and the perfect kids
and the perfect life, and I'll be perfectly miserable forever.
Let me help you pick out your wedding dress.
It seems since the accident, you have forgotten what you look good in.
It just doesn't make any sense.
I mean, Owen is everything that I've ever wanted in someone,
except for this one tiny, little detail that when I'm with him, I feel like crap.
Listen.
You know, the truth is,
someone could be perfect on paper. Doesn't mean they're perfect for you.
If someone described your father,
I'd think they were talking about a St. Bernard,
but when I'm with him, I feel great.
I wanna feel like that.
How do you break up with the perfect person?
I mean, he's done nothing wrong.
Well, you tell him you're moving,
and if that doesn't work, you fake your own death.
I am not gonna fake my own death.
I can barely fake being sick.
No, I'm gonna--
I'm gonna tell him the truth.
- He deserves that. - Okay.
I have an old boyfriend back in Minneapolis who still thinks I'm dead.
I always wondered what it would be like to just kind of drop by one day
and say, "Hi."
- That would be funny. - Yeah.
That would be a riot.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OWEN: Come in.
Hey, Owen, I--
I know I should've called first. I really needed to get--
Oh, you're nursing a baby lamb.
Yeah. Cute, huh?
A rescue organization I started a couple of years ago saved him.
His mom was taken to slaughter,
but I'm gonna foster him for the next couple of weeks
and then he's going to a petting zoo for the blind.
Of course you are.
OWEN: So, what's going on? - I--
[LAMB BLEATING]
- I don't know how to say this, it seems-- - Wait.
No, I was gonna surprise you with this on Sunday but I have to do it now.
- Okay? - Okay.
You know the park that we've been working on.
- Uh-huh. - Well, we're dedicating it to you.
Because you've worked so hard to transform yourself,
just like we transformed a vacant lot into a beautiful space.
I'm moving.
- Moving? To where? - Portland.
Wha-- What? Wow.
Well, at least I have offices in Oregon.
- We can see each other all the time. - Mississippi.
Portland, Mississippi.
- I've never heard of it. - It's a small town.
It's a little, tiny town.
It's actually on a floodplain, so it kind of comes and goes.
Oh. Well, hey--
That's not true. I'm lying.
- Sorry? - I'm not moving.
- Oh. - Owen, I wanna be a good person,
but when I'm with you, I'm reminded that I'm not as good as I wanna be.
So I can say in complete honesty that it's not you, it's me.
Because of you.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I had a feeling this was coming.
You're not the first one to have trouble with all this.
Oh, you mean Willow?
And Aimee, and Karen and Lisa.
Like I said, I'm a major pain in the ass.
[LAMB BLEATING]
You wanna hold the little guy?
[CHUCKLES]
No.
I'll probably just eat him.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
SAM: So okay: baby steps,
because as much as you may want something,
not everything is always in your grasp.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't reach for it.
It's definitely better than standing there doing nothing.
- Get you up there, buddy. - Mommy. Stranger.
No, no, I was just helping with the--
No touching.
- Hey. SAM: Hi, guys.
[EXHALES]
Am I a better person than I was before?
Oh, please. You're so disgustingly good,
I'm surprised you don't live with seven dwarves.
- Really? - I'd even let you babysit my dogs,
and that's the biggest compliment I can give anybody.
Thank you, Dena. That means a lot to me.
- So would you? - Would I what?
Babysit my dogs? Because my therapist wants Chase and I
to go away for a couple of days without them.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
[LAUGHS] Okay.
Look at this. Look at this. It worked.
Tony's finally calling me.
What are you waiting for? Will you answer the phone?
You think I should?
- Definitely. - Yes.
You guys know nothing about men.
Yes.
SAM: Okay, so I couldn't make it work with the perfect guy,
but that doesn't make me a bad person,
because, hey, would a bad person get a whole park named after her?
I think not.