SAMANTHA: Since breaking up with the perfect guy,
I've discovered plenty of imperfect ones.
Oh, God.
I definitely don't fall for every guy I meet.
But when I do fall--
Okay.
- I'm Mike. - Hi.
--I fall fast.
And I always land hard.
Oh, it hurts.
I just want it to stop.
TODD: Oh, trust me, you're not the only one.
It's okay, sweetie.
We're gonna get through this like we always do.
I think she might kill herself.
SAMANTHA: I'm not gonna kill myself, okay?
I know you won't. You are strong.
[WHISPERS] I'm gonna need belts, shoelaces, and any of your ties.
- I have one tie. You can't have it. - But what if she...you know?
Then I'll need it for the funeral.
What is wrong with me?
It's like I have absolutely no learning curve.
You know, I like-- I meet a guy.
I put everything that I have into that relationship for three weeks
and then I just end up in a ball on the floor.
Too bad they didn't know you when you gave nothing to a relationship.
They might've stuck around for four years.
That's it. You know what?
- No more men. - Good. Take a break.
Maybe that's it. I just need to--
I just need to be single for a while, you know?
Just stand on my own.
But not on a ledge, right?
You know what? Just saying that,
I feel better.
Oh, it hurts.
Oh, make it stop.
Honey, I think you need to eat food.
SAMANTHA: God, Mike and I used to eat food.
- What happened? She was feeling great. - I have no idea.
I just asked if there's something she was doing to keep driving these men away.
And then I guess she thought of something really sad.
I forgot. How many pairs of underwear do I pack for a week?
- Nine. - Are you sure?
Last time I packed nine, and it was not enough.
- Then pack 12. - No, that's too much.
I was thinking more like ten or 11.
Sam, any thoughts on this?
Wait, wait, wait a minute. You guys are going away?
When were you gonna tell me this?
When I started to love you too much?
I am making your father take a vacation.
His doctor said his blood pressure is sky-high.
I don't want him keeling over.
A vacation. That's what I need.
I need to go away. I need to go away with my family.
Just get away from anything that reminds me of Mike.
Well, come on along.
We were just gonna go up to Mike Mountain.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yeah.
Stop. No, that's a good idea. We'll make it a family vacation.
Well, I'm game. We're going up to that resort on Lake Wopahowie
that we used to go to every year. You loved that place.
Oh, the lake resort.
- Yeah, that was fun. REGINA: Really?
- You remember the lake resort? - No, no.
But sometimes that just works.
Really? Your mom wants me to come?
Yeah, well, I mean, she said I could bring one friend.
Just not Andrea. So, yeah.
I always wanted to go with you as a kid, but my mom was always sick.
But now she's dead. Yay!
- That didn't come out right. - No.
But listen, please, please, please, don't say anything to Andrea, okay?
I need to handle this very delicately, so zip.
DENA: Mm-hm.
I love these giant mugs. They make my hands look extra teeny.
- Sam and I are going away. - Dena.
What is she talking about? Where are you going with her and not me?
- Nowhere that you would wanna go. - How do you know that?
- On vacation with my parents. - Oh, ew.
- See? - Well, it doesn't mean
- I wouldn't have liked to have been asked. - I know. I'm sorry.
Andrea, would you like to come on vacation with me and my family
even though it is 200 miles in a car
with my dad singing "Rhinestone Cowboy"?
Thank you.
Yes, I'd love to go.
- What? No fair. - Okay, shh.
Listen, my mom said I can only bring one person and I already asked Dena.
And her mom's finally dead.
- Lucky. - Yeah.
Dad, thanks so much for stopping, but you know what?
I don't think I can go here so I'll just hold it.
Well, this is where we're staying.
Oh.
I guess I'll be holding it for a week.
HOWARD: Wow, they sure fixed up the place.
I know I'm a guest and I shouldn't be nitpicky,
but we're going to be murdered here.
All right, girls. No complaining.
That man's life depends on this vacation
and we're all going to enjoy ourselves no matter how much drinking I have to do.
You're right. I don't care what it looks like or smells like.
I'm out of the city,
and away from men and heartbreak
- and I like it. BRAD: Sam?
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you came back.
- Oh, no. He sounds cute. - Yeah.
Damn it.
So, Brad, you running the place now?
Yeah, since my dad died.
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. He was such a nice man.
Did they ever catch his killer?
[DENA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Wow, look at you, Sam.
And you,
friendly innkeeper.
[LAUGHS]
Samantha, it's Brad.
Little Brad.
Oh, good Lord, he was your first love.
- Of course he was. - What do you mean, first love?
Howard, that last summer, she showed up late for every meal with leaves in her hair.
- What did you think she was doing? - Bird watching.
She said she was bird watching and that's what she was doing.
- Now I'm gonna go unpack the car. - No heavy lifting.
I swear, you die up here, I'll bury you right where you drop.
There aren't a lot of birds here in the winter,
but there's a family of badgers we can watch.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sure it all that bird stuff was a lot of fun and everything,
but I have amnesia.
- I have the bubonic plague. - Hm.
No, I don't. No. This is-- We--
Remember that game where you'd say something that started with A
and I would name one that started with a B?
No.
Wow. Amnesia. Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, no, no, no. It's okay.
It's sort of like having a surprise party every single day.
Like finding out about us.
- Surprise. - Okay.
Here are your room keys. Just settle in.
And if you need anything, don't be afraid to ask.
Well, then, how about a dirty martini, three olives?
How's that for getting settled in?
Yes, we no longer serve alcohol.
The liquor license got too expensive.
Surprise.
- So he was my first kiss, huh? - Yeah.
You'd come back from your week and tell me all about it
and I'd remember every single detail
because I used to write about it in my diary.
Except I'd use my name instead of yours.
Well, why didn't you warn me about that?
I didn't think he'd still be here.
I mean, what grown adult lives in the same house they grew up in
and never leaves?
- You. - Oh, that's true.
Andrea?
Oh, my God, hey.
You guys come here too?
How crazy is that?
Well, crazy is one way to put it.
No, I come here all the time.
I love it. It has mice.
SAMANTHA: Hm. ANDREA: Ew.
Hey, did you see the guy who runs this place?
You know, normally I do not go for hill people,
but he was hot.
That's Brad. He and Sam used to hook up.
Long ago when we were kids.
And just with this part.
Well, it's time to use the other parts.
No, it is time to do nothing with nobody.
And he is exactly the nobody I'm going to do nothing with.
Because he is cute and we have a history
and I am a sucker for that.
So keep him away from me or else he'll rip my heart out.
If not him, someone will.
I put your father down for a nap. Can I--?
- What the hell are you doing here? - I can be here, it's a free country.
Oh, you can't just invite yourse--
Oh, wait.
You brought alcohol. You always have alcohol.
Do I?
Oh, it's hard to say.
Come on, Andrea. Have a-- Andrea.
Have a heart.
My husband's dying.
Oh, where'd you find this?
Oh, I was poking around,
looking for a secret soundproof basement with a drain in the floor
and I found fun games.
Cool.
Except we only have two E's, an A,
and a curiously strong breath mint with a Z on it.
BRAD: Hey. - Ew. I'm not sure I wanna touch that.
Mind if I join you?
Oh, no. You can.
Great.
Would you like a mint?
[SIGHS]
- Hey, Sam. - Oh, hey, dude. What's up?
What's going on? I sort of get the feeling you're avoiding me.
Avoiding you? No. Oh, actually I was looking for you.
I was. That's why I ran out here.
You work here, so, what would you recommend?
Because I'm like, ooh, starving.
I've been wanting to show you something.
There's only one bag of those chips and I'm gonna stay here
just to make sure that no one else gets it.
Come on. It'll take two seconds. Come on.
- Okay. - Come on, it's right here.
- Come on. - What, you want to play tetherball?
Look.
SAMANTHA: Oh, my God.
Look at that.
My hand was so small.
We did it
so they would always be one handprint
together.
Look we made a heart.
Yeah.
I know why this place is falling apart.
Because the help's spending so much time hitting on the guests.
That's what-- Yeah, maybe just a few more fresh towels,
a little less "fresh" behavior, you know?
- What? - Yeah, you heard me.
HOWARD: Fifty-eight, 59, 60, 61-- - Hi, sweetie.
Hey, where have you been?
How come you didn't ask me to go on your walk?
Because you're supposed to be relaxing.
Well, I hate relaxing.
I can't rock any more. I've already rocked 4,208 times.
And there's 61 trees in that direction.
Always have to be busy. Always have to have a hobby.
Remember when I got you that wine-making kit?
- Yeah, I wasn't very good at that. - Yes, you were.
It had a nice oaky finish.
Well, I don't know how. I made it in a plastic garbage can.
Well, the point is, what can you tell me about fermenting these berries?
Well, one, they would probably poison you
and, two, it would take three months.
Shoot.
You know, everyone talks about what the Donner Party ate all winter.
No one ever asks what they drank.
I don't know how you resisted Brad, with the handprints and the moonlight,
and the look in his eye which could be love or could be crazy.
But either way, it's attention.
No, I know I felt bad about being harsh, but I had to act fast.
You know, I felt like a trapped wolf
who had to chew off my leg before I kissed him.
And who wants to kiss a girl with a wolf leg in her mouth?
ANDREA: Well...
- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God. Come on. Shh.
It looks like you chewed off the wrong girl's leg.
- Mm-hm. - Oh.
She is supposed to be my friend.
And how could she do this?
You did say you didn't want Brad.
No, I didn't. I said I didn't want to want him.
That doesn't mean that I don't want him.
- Which I don't. - Well, I can't believe she got confused.
Oh, God. I'm not saying that I should be mad about it.
I'm just saying, like--
Okay, it's like if my favorite food is shrimp,
so a waiter brings me shrimp.
But I can't eat shrimp because it makes my tongue swell up,
so I don't eat the shrimp.
But that doesn't mean that I want Andrea grabbing shrimp off my plate
and giving it a massage.
Well, on the bright side, you don't have to keep pushing Brad away now.
You think?
Yeah. I mean, in a way
she was kind of protecting you by being a slimy tramp.
You know, you're right.
You're right. She's actually doing me a favor by being a slimy tramp.
Yeah.
And if I didn't have a boyfriend back home,
I'd hit that so fast for you.
- Thank you. - Sure.
[HUMMING]
Ooh.
Amateur.
SAMANTHA: See, this is exactly what I wanted.
Just sitting by the fire, together.
Not being murdered.
It can't get any better than that.
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
- What's going on?
Oh, nothing.
What's going on with you?
I just took a walk in the woods.
Oh, the air out here. I really think it makes me prettier.
Wow, you've got a lot of leaves in your hair.
Oh, I was chasing this raccoon and he went through the branches
and then I-- Ow!
- Oh, sorry, just was-- HOWARD: Hey, look.
- Everybody's here. - Yeah, lookie, lookie.
SAMANTHA: Yeah, just a bunch of friends
hanging out together and sitting by the fire.
So who wants to play charades?
Howard, you are not playing charades. All that jumping around.
No, it will be like playing Russian roulette.
We'll play that game where you get to guess what people are--
Guess what you're thinking without saying any words.
- You mean charades? - Shh.
I said, no words.
Are you drunk?
- Are you? - Yes.
Okay, Dena, why don't you start us off?
DENA: Oh, okay.
Here we go. All right.
Ice-cream maker.
It's a movie, Regina.
Three words.
Ice-cream maker.
Three words, do not take me on.
Did you steal my booze?
Oh, come on. No one's stealing anything.
- Except maybe boyfriends, huh? - What?
I'm doing The Breakfast Club here.
You talked. You talked. Come on, my turn.
DENA: Apparently, you play advanced rules.
- Okay, I'm gonna make this one easy. - Oh, easy? Easy? I got it: Andrea.
[SAMANTHA LAUGHS]
Hello?
It's a movie. Four words.
DENA: Oh, first word.
- Worm? SAMANTHA: Slimy?
Lawyer?
Jerk?
Backstabber?
- Forrest tramp? - Gump. Gump. Forrest Gump.
Okay, what is your problem?
SAMANTHA: You know what my problem is?
Is that I saw you in the woods with Brad.
And don't say that you weren't there because Dena saw it too.
And she was pissed.
Caddyshack.
Oh, Ghostbusters.
You said you didn't even want him.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean that I wanted you to have him.
Well, then, you're in luck because I didn't do anything with him. He likes you.
- Really? - Okay, new movie.
- First word is "the." - Then explain all the leaves in your hair.
I told you. I was chasing Mr. Raccoon.
He had the perfect fur for the trim on my vest.
The French Connection. No, The Sting.
Look, I don't want him. I'm not with him.
You take him. Go get him. I don't care.
But that's the thing I can't go for it, because I do care.
That's my problem.
I'm not like you, you know. I can't just throw myself in and have fun
and get leaves all in my hair and just walk away.
It's not fair. I wanna be like you.
I wanna be dead inside.
I just wanna be dead.
REGINA: The Dead Zone! DENA: Sam, don't do it.
You have so much to live for.
- Fisher King. - Yes.
Just-- Can you please just give me back my shoelaces?
Not until I know how you're feeling.
Okay, that's the problem, all right? I'm feeling.
I am feeling constantly.
I am like a robot who's been programmed to do nothing else.
Which is totally stupid because if you're gonna take the time to make a robot
it should at least, like, be able to walk around the room and pick up stuff.
Please stop saying that you're a robot.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey, Dena, can I talk to Sam?
Okay, but don't listen to her. She has tricks to make you crazy.
Okay.
- Can I sit? - Yeah.
You gonna use that as some sort of teaching tool?
What, this? Yeah.
You see, inside are the seeds of something new.
And then
they're protected by this big--
No, I just picked it up outside.
- It's pretty though, huh? - Yeah.
Thanks, Daddy.
I was just remembering all the summers that we came up here.
Every year, you'd get into a big fight with whatever girlfriend you brought along,
usually over some boy.
And at the end of the week, you'd get in a fight with him
end up dunking him in the lake
or beaning him with one of those.
And then you'd cry all the way home in the car. I loved it.
That sounds awesome.
Well, because two hours after you got home
you'd be fine and on to the next thing.
You know, just living your life, you know?
Going for it.
Yeah, and I've seen some of that come back since the accident.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
- You gotta live, right? - Yeah.
It's like me.
If I listen to your mother and sat around afraid that my heart was going to explode
I wouldn't enjoy a thing.
Thanks, Daddy.
ANDREA: Sam--
Hey, Andrea.
I am so sorry I was so mean.
- It's all good. - Good.
Because I'm gonna go
and apologize to that there Brad.
And who knows,
maybe I'll just go for it.
Bird watching. She's just going bird watching.
Yeah.
[DINGING]
Don't ring my bell.
It's my bell.
Don't ring it.
Are you still mad about last night when I was acting all silly?
Last night? Was that the night you called me the help?
Oh, come on. That old joke?
Look, I'm really sorry, okay?
I was just coming off of a really bad breakup
which was coming off of a really bad breakup.
And I just didn't want my heart to explode.
I never planned on exploding your heart, Samantha.
I've been thinking about you for the last 20 years.
Oh.
Well, I've been thinking about you too.
- Probably. I really don't know. Maybe. - So, what do you wanna do?
Hm.
Well, maybe you could show me those badgers.
Oh. They're so cute.
But you don't wanna get too close, though. They're really mean.
Oh, you're really talking about badgers.
Oh, well, okay, that could be fun too.
It's hurts.
Oh, God.
It hurts so bad.
But it's good.
It feels right.
You bet it does, sweetie.
Hit the child safety locks. I don't want her throwing herself out.
HOWARD: Okay, everybody.
[SINGING "RHINESTONE COWBOY"]
SAMANTHA: No matter how hard I keep landing,
I guess I owe it to myself to fall
because the heart wants what the heart wants.
And apparently, mine wants a nasty bruise.
[SINGING "RHINESTONE COWBOY"]
SAMANTHA: Yee-ha. REGINA: Now go high.