Being single is completely underrated.
You can use up all the hot water for long baths,
not share the popcorn,
and hog the remote to flip through 500 channels.
This is helpful if you have amnesia. You can fill in decades of info
in the time it takes your nail polish to dry.
Did you know that Hitler had a mistress? What a jerk.
- History Channel again? - Yeah.
I only caught the second half, but I think I got the gist.
Look at this.
- You can send coffee to the troops. - Put it down.
- Why? It's a nice thing to do. - Yeah.
I thought it was a nice thing too. I sent a pound of Sumatra Dark, a note,
and got a note back from Captain Randy Holt saying thank you.
Then I, to be polite, e-mailed back, "You're welcome."
And then he e-mailed me back, "What's up?"
Now I feel I'm cheating on Chase,
and I led him on, and I'm a coffee tease.
Coffee tease.
See, the whole store knows.
Oh, come on. Calm down. You are not cheating on Chase.
All right? He's just a lonely soldier who wants news from home.
You know, just keep it to, like, small talk,
you know, boring stuff.
You know what,
why don't you tell that story you told me three times about your fridge?
- Hey. - Which I found thrilling.
But I think in his day, it would be a nice break from all the excitement.
- Hey, Andrea. - I'm on a date.
You and Tony Dane are still texting? When are you gonna meet--?
Look, I know he's a basketball star and everything,
but he should take the time to--
Okay, why are you bupping me?
Look, it's okay. You know, just because I'm not dating anyone
doesn't mean that you can't talk about your relationship.
That's exactly what it means. Every time you're not dating someone
and I am, you do everything you can to try and break us up.
Oh, come on, I would never do-- Oh, and of course, I'm wrong.
I'm gonna go to the little girls' room.
I'll be right back.
You guys make a great couple. Yeah.
Andrea must be really happy if she's gonna try and go off her meds again.
You work out, huh?
Yeah.
That'll be helpful when Andrea's husband gets out of prison.
Seriously,
you don't recognise her from her "film career"?
No?
All right, look, I know that that used to happen, but I am--
- Different now. We know. - Different now.
Fine, whatever. I will back off.
I just thought it would be a nice story to tell your kids
that Mommy and Daddy actually met once.
We're trying to meet.
We're just very high-powered people with very busy schedules.
But it seems like he's the one who's always cancelling on you--
I know.
Turn on the tube. The game starts in five minutes.
What channel's it on?
Todd, it's Cameron. I didn't hear from you.
I just called to see if you wanted to meet up sometime.
Cameron?
The dancer with the legs and the daddy issues.
What the hell, man?
I might call. I don't know.
Man, I'd be all over that. And that girl at the deli?
"Take a number, here's mine." They're like dropping from trees out there.
What are you hanging around here for?
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
Hey.
- Shut up. - Todd, come on.
What are you doing, man?
We've been hanging out a lot lately. You know, movies, dinners.
Maybe it'll grow from friends into something else.
Todd, listen to me. You are quickly becoming gay roommate.
If you want it to turn into something, you gotta make her miss you.
- We live in the same apartment. - Then get out. Be less available.
All right? Sam is smart.
Why buy the bull when you can castrate it for free?
Wow, that's beautiful, man.
Hey. Hey, Seth.
You work for Tony Dane, right?
- Towel boy. - Mock if you will, my friend,
but if it weren't for me, he'd always be wet.
I don't like the way that he is treating Andrea.
I mean, why is he stringing her along? Does he not like her or something?
I mean, what, is he afraid of commitment? Like, what's the deal?
I'll ask him about his feelings next time we get our nails done.
Look, I need to talk to him, okay?
- Why? - Because I owe her.
Look, I just need a way to get to him, Sethy.
- What, I just go in? - This is what you wanted.
Now, here's your press pass.
If you get caught or captured, I don't know you,
because believe it or not, it is possible for me to be demoted.
Really?
Okay.
Good game. Good game. Way to play. Way to play.
- Hey. - Oh, I'm sorry about that.
That's a whole lot of naked.
How did you give up 12 unanswered points in the fourth quarter?
We come to play every night.
Anyone in this league can beat you any night of the week,
so you gotta rely on your teammates. Any more questions?
Why do you keep cancelling on Andrea Belladonna?
What paper are you with?
I happen to be with...
...Heinie Magazine.
Anyway, why do you keep cancelling on her?
What, are you a commitment-phobe, or just a big fat liar? Which is it?
I'm not cancelling on her. She's cancelling on me.
Really? That's weird.
Hey, Andrea.
- What did you do? - Me? Nothing. This and that.
- You? - Oh, me?
Me? I got a text message from Tony Dane.
Said, "Some crazy blond came into my locker room
and accused me of always cancelling on you."
That Paris Hilton. God, she's everywhere.
You just had to get involved, didn't you? I told you to leave it alone.
You know what? You also told me that he was cancelling on you.
So you know what? You lied to me, and that's one of the sins.
- Don't even. - Why don't you wanna see him?
Because. Because it is perfect.
We text each other all the time. We share things.
We never fight.
It is the best relationship I have ever had, and you just destroyed it.
- Guess you managed to hear all that. - Some.
Mostly I was writing a poem.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hey. I am completely afraid that a bug
is gonna crawl down my throat when I'm asleep.
I saw that on the Discovery Channel last night.
When did you start thinking that your life needed a narrator?
Everyone is afraid of something, all right?
Go out with Tony.
You need more than a text relationship, Andrea.
You deserve that, and Tony likes you.
No, no. He likes the stuff my phone says I say.
Okay? I mean,
I can be this perfect person, and I plan every word,
and I could spell-check myself.
What if I meet him and every word that just comes out of my mouth
is just misspelled?
If that's what you're worried about, I'll go with you.
I'll bring Todd. We can be like the Ricardos and the Mertzes,
the Flintstones and the Rubbles. I've been watching way too much TV.
Yes.
Mr. Newly, hi. I have a situation.
I've been writing to a soldier in Iraq, and I may have mentioned in a letter
that my refrigerator's broken.
Today, this one showed up,
and if my real boyfriend, Chase, sees it at my place, he'll know I'm cheating.
Regina, it's for you.
Hey, Todd, will you please bring me my purse?
Hey. Is the man of the house at home?
- I was getting this for Samantha. - Yeah, that's better.
Before I forget, we are going out with Andrea tomorrow night, okay?
Hey, Seth.
No.
- No? - No.
Not available.
Not even gonna say why.
Okay, well,
I just thought you might wanna hang out with Tony Dane,
but I guess I was wrong.
- Okay! Okay! - Eight o'clock.
This is you playing hard to get? So far I've only seen "get."
I'm hanging out with Tony Dane.
I can still ignore Sam. In fact, she can see me ignore her.
It'll drive her nuts. Up high.
- Gay roommate. - Shut it.
This is in Farsi.
I should've stopped writing Captain Randy.
Sam said it was okay,
but now the poor guy is sending me major appliances.
I mean, I have to get out of this.
It's tearing me apart. I can't keep living two lives.
Honey, I don't think you're living one.
You gotta break up with this guy.
I can't break up with a soldier. I have a "Support the Troops" sticker on my car.
Then let me do it, please.
I haven't broken up with anyone for so long, it'll make me feel a teenager.
No, it's my responsibility.
I'm just gonna go and do it now.
Fine, leave, but don't come back.
Excuse me?
No.
Please. Don't--
Don't make this any harder than it needs to be.
We had our chance, but our chance came and went.
People change.
So just--
Just walk away,
and always remember the times that we had.
You are so hired.
Hello? Thirsty.
My drink?
You know, I forgot you were there.
You know what? I should go.
Yeah, I have a big tort complaint to prepare for,
and you don't know what that is, so you can't say I'm lying.
- Here he comes. - Yeah.
- Hey, Tony! - See, he hates me.
He doesn't. Now just breathe, okay?
Andrea?
It was definitely worth the wait.
Hi-lo.
I meant to say hi, and then I thought hello,
and it came out like hi-lo.
Let me start again.
Hi-lo.
Now, Philly, that's a tough town to play in.
Are you two together, or what?
- No, I'm alone. Lone wolf. - Used to be.
I don't even know her.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
- Gay? - Trust me.
Yeah, well, he wasn't before he went.
He took the urinal right next to me, and then there was a look.
- How does that make him gay? - There was a nod.
Okay, a look and a nod, that's it?
And a smile. There was a look, a nod and a smile.
- Only thing missing was ice skates. - Ice skates?
Figure skaters are gay, right?
I don't know. This is not my scene.
Sam. Sam. Come here.
Do not say anything, all right? This is going really well,
and I'm not gonna let anything screw it up. Okay?
- Yeah? - Tony said the most amazing thing.
- Go ahead. Say it again. - I just said I liked her shoes.
No. No. No.
He said he liked my vintage Lacroix shoes.
I mean, really, what kind of man notices something like that?
Sam, thoughts?
I mean, look at her. She likes him.
Maybe she can change him. It's possible.
They have camps for that. I saw it on the Bible channel.
- Just tell her. - Tell her what?
That she's in love with a gay man? I can't tell her that.
She's just gonna think that I'm sabotaging her relationship.
- So don't tell her. - She's in love with a gay man.
How can I not tell her? She's gonna get hurt.
Wait a minute, you're right. You're right.
I don't tell her. I show her.
If she sees it for herself then she can't be mad at me, right?
Thank you so much. You're such a good friend.
Wait, friend? No, no, no. I'm not your--
Damn it.
Like it?
Hey, look at me, I'm a break-up artist. Nice stove.
I'm sorry.
He told me how hard it was for him there, and I wanted to relate,
so I told him the light on my stove kept going out.
You were supposed to be helping me out of this.
I couldn't do it. He needs me.
I might be the only thing keeping him alive at night.
- Who are you keeping alive at night? - My soldier.
Oh, I'll break up with him.
I fire people all the time, no problem, but nobody buys my wife a stove.
- Including you. - Damn right.
Look at it.
You begged for it. Look at it.
Tony, you know, Todd and I were talking this morning
about what our favourite characters on Sex and the City were,
and I was just curious what yours was.
You know, I've never seen Sex and the City.
It's okay.
Let's put on some music, all right?
Tony, you can pick, because you're the guest.
We have Foo Fighters, Metallica,
Mamma Mia.
Hey, what's your favourite musical, Tony?
I'm really not into musicals.
Oh, really, so you're gonna play it that way, huh?
Andrea, I need to get some more wine. Will you help me open up a bottle?
Okay, good.
Guys, have fun.
I like him.
- Oh, me too. You know, I think we-- - I think you should have sex with him.
- What? - Yeah. Right now. Just try,
and then observe what happens, you know?
If he says that he's not in the mood,
then you tell him to get in the mood or explain why not. Okay?
That sounds kind of hot.
Yeah, it is kind of.
But I like him, I really do.
I think I kind of wanna take it slow with him.
Oh, my God.
Maybe some of the new you is rubbing off on me.
Now?
Oh, God.
What are you doing leaving me out there? I'm a pleaser, you know that?
Look, Andrea's just not getting it.
- I need you to sleep with Tony Dane. - Sorry?
We already know he likes you,
so we just need him to, like, hit on you in front of her.
I know what we could do. We could go out there, we could all start dancing.
Then I'll switch, you can start dancing with Tony--
- Wait, wait. No, no, no. - We'll switch-- Start dancing with him.
- Let's just open this up a little bit. - Will you just cut it out?
- Put some oil on. It needs to shimmer. - Stop it. What are you doing?
I'm not your toy. I'm not your pal. I'm not your girlfriend,
and I'm not your gay roommate.
I'm here, okay? Right here.
And I guess that's the problem.
Drama queen, huh?
Snap!
- Where's Andrea? - Bathroom.
Oh, good.
Then it's just the two of us.
All right, Tony, you can be straight with me.
- I'm sorry, that's a poor choice of words. - What are you talking about?
- I think you know. - Do I?
Tony, I know what happened in the men's room with Todd, okay?
And Andrea is my best friend,
and I'm not gonna stand by and let her get hurt.
Look, she's gonna understand.
I mean, I have admitted so many horrible things to her,
and she's always forgiven me.
Not that being gay is horrible,
or needs to be forgiven or anything. I think it's good. It's--
Go, gays! So...
- Hey. - Hey.
What's going on?
Andrea,
this isn't easy to say.
It's okay. It's okay, Tony. It's all right.
Andrea,
Tony has something that he needs to tell you.
- Sam tried to hit on me. - What?
- Sam. - No. No, what?
I don't wanna come between the two of you, but I think we should just go.
I was not hitting on him. I was not hitting on you.
I was-- Why would I hit on him? He's gay.
Yeah, you're gay. He's gay.
There. God, I said it. I said it.
Big weight lifted now.
Oh, honey, he is gay.
Oh, my God.
Honestly, Sam.
A new low, even for you.
What? No.
He's gay--
He was staring at Todd's:
Maybe Andrea's right. Maybe I do have some sort of pathological need
to destroy all of her relationships.
It's like, I don't know if Tony Dane is gay.
- I could be totally wrong. - My boyfriend in college was gay.
We didn't know it at the time. I mean, he knew it,
and all of the members of the Man Alive Choir,
but I did not see it.
Now Andrea hasn't called me back for two days. Todd's avoiding me.
He leaves before I even get up.
Did you do something to make him mad,
like ask him to oil up and seduce Tony Dane?
No. Just that.
Hi.
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
- Guess who's gay? - No one.
No one's gay, and anyone who says that they are are just kidding themselves.
Tony Dane.
Maybe not. Maybe I'm just being narrow-minded.
You know what? In Europe,
straight guys, they hold hands, they walk right on down the street.
No, he's gay. He told me himself.
He did?
You know that I was not trying to break you guys up.
Yes, and today, we're leaking our relationship to the press.
Okay, I know I'm the one with amnesia,
but that means when two guys love each other and--
- Yeah. - No, look. This is all good.
Tony gets to have me on his arm,
and I get paparazzi, press and private planes,
and I get to see whoever I want in secret.
So you know what, Sam? You were right.
I need more out of a relationship: fame.
Okay.
Are you sure that this is what you want?
- Yes, yes. - Really?
It's just a little weird to have a guy who's just a friend.
It doesn't have to be. I mean, look at me and Todd.
- No, it only works if one of you is gay. - Why?
There's always one that wants something more than the other one. Usually me.
Or Todd.
Oh, God, I am such an idiot. Of course he was mad
I was trying to put oil on him. Who wants to be treated like that?
Chase. He loves it when I take baby oil and:
I saw this thing on the Discovery Channel about the theory of matter,
that matter exists in different forms.
I think the same thing applies to love. Love is like liquid.
It can flow outward and bring life to a desert.
He's very charming.
You know, he's only on leave for a week. Just show him a good time.
I can't show him a good time. You show him a good time.
- Regina, it's for you. - Hey--
Love can be a gas, light as air and assuming the shape of its container.
I mean, it's crazy. I have been so busy with other peoples' lives
that I have paid no attention to what's happening in mine.
Like Todd. I mean, if he has feelings for me, we need to talk about that,
and about my feelings about his feelings for me.
Or if I have feelings for him and my feelings about that.
No?
So I'm just gonna open up some wine and settle in for a nice chat.
White wine and feelings.
He's a very lucky man.
Good night, Ms. Newly.
Good night, Frank.
Hey, Todd?
Hey,
can we just talk about some--
Hi.
- You there. - Hi.
Hi.
Sam.
This is Cameron. We were just going out.
Yeah. Okay, good.
Hi. That's-- You'll like that, yeah.
And him.
You'll like him, because he's not gay.
You wanted to talk?
Me? No, I'm good.
Have fun. Yeah.
Plus, I only got enough wine for one, so...
Oh, yeah.
And like matter, love can't be created or destroyed.
It's always there,
even if you can't see it.
Even if it's right there in front of you.