SAMANTHA: Taking care of plants is supposed to be good for your health.
It lowers your blood pressure,
connects you with the universe,
and it's something you just get to love.
My plants reject my love.
Maybe they're teenagers.
I try, but it's just so hard being both father and mother to them.
[SIGHS]
- Hey. - Hey. What's wrong?
There was a message.
Uncle Walter died.
Oh, no, Todd. Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
- Are you okay? - No, I'm fine.
He was your uncle.
What?
Oh, no.
Oh, my God, this is my first family death.
It's my first funeral.
Oh, poor Warren. Poor Wally. What?
- Walter. - Walter.
He was your dad's step-brother. To be honest he kind of hated him.
Yeah, but still, someone died. I mean, that's so sad.
[GASPS]
I have the cutest black dress.
Oh, my God.
I win.
[LAUGHS]
It's an open casket, Dad.
I don't think I'm ready to see a dead body.
Oh, they fix them up to look almost real.
They inject this rubbery stuff into their veins,
makes them more poseable.
- It's how we get mannequins. - Dad.
- Okay, okay, okay. - What?
And you, young lady,
the least you could do is muster a tear for your uncle.
No, I can't. I didn't know him.
Well, then pluck a nose hair. Do not embarrass me in front of the family.
Look, I don't know anybody here.
You know, which is kind of sad for me because I just don't have any connection--
No, I'm sorry.
Yes, it is sad. The Newlys are dropping like flies.
You're not exactly churning out the replacements.
- Pow. Good one. - I'm sorry.
It was not you. I'm sorry.
Funerals just remind me of the shortness of life.
- I mean, don't you even want kids? - Mom.
Well, look at her. She's doing her part.
Look, haven't thought about it, okay?
There are still three keys on my keychain, I have no idea what they're for.
Just one thing at a time.
Remember, you've only so many eggs left in there.
At your age, your ovaries are churning like a broken motel ice machine.
- Hey, are you not going in? - I don't know.
- Are you a relative? - Yeah.
I'm sorry, but if you can hold her for a second, I'll be right back.
I've just waited so long to see Walter dead. Thank you.
Okay. Okay.
All right. Holding a baby.
Okay.
Oh, you're very squirmy.
Top-heavy.
Oh, my God your head smells so, so good.
[BABY CRIES]
Oh, no.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Do you want a handkerchief?
[CRYING] I want a baby.
SAMANTHA: Oh, my God. Look at this.
Can you believe we were this small?
Oh, I'd kill to fit into that.
I don't know what it is. It's like I smelled that baby and something unleashed in me.
It's like you know how birds feed their young by...in their mouths?
I used to think that was gross, now I think it's beautiful.
Now I want a baby and I wanna puke in its mouth.
You used to puke in your own mouth. I miss those days.
Argh! He did it again.
That was Walter's lawyer.
Son of a bitch left me an airplane.
- We won an airplane? - Yeah.
Four-seater, single engine, beauty.
Howard, that's wonderful.
Let's go to South Beach for lunch.
Regina, can't you see that Walter is taunting me from the grave?
Howard, please.
No, he's saying that I could never get an airplane unless he gave me one.
Well, screw him, I'm gonna sell it
- and buy a pinball machine. - No, you're not.
- Oh, yes I am. - Oh, no, you're not.
I am not gonna buy into this ridiculous competition between you two.
We have an airplane.
I'm gonna sign up for flying lessons.
So take that, Paula Drake, and your precious little koi pond!
Mr. Cellophane, no. Get our new doggy out of your mouth.
Do you know how long it takes to adopt a baby? It's so stupid.
What if I don't want a baby in two years?
Yeah, that may be the point.
Hey, know what they used to make us do in high school?
They used to give us an egg and we'd have to carry it around for the week.
So we got to see how hard it is to take care of something. Here, try it.
Oh, I wasn't ready.
Indeed.
Your dog's eating my baby.
[ANDREA GASPS]
No. No, no, no. Sam, Sam. Look.
SAMANTHA: Oh, my God. They think you're pregnant.@n
You're going to make a wonderful mother.
She won't.
That's not a baby. That's a bagel.
I ate a bagel.
That's what I get for eating breakfast one time in 20 years.
Everybody gets to be a mommy but me.
Mr. Cellophane, no.
Release your foster puppy. Come on.
- Sam, will you hold him for a second? - Okay.
[SNIFFING]
Dena?
Sam.
[BARKING]
Hey, you like him? His name's Baby.
A dog? No, no.
Isn't he cute?
Hi. Just get off of there? You get off of there.
- Sam? - What?
- a dog is a lot of work. - I can handle it.
I already dropped him and he totally didn't break.
- Come on, let's take him for a walk. - Sam, no. I don't want a dog.
Fine, good, then more dog for me.
No, I'm serious. It's your dog. I'm not helping.
Yeah, well, you know what, I'm serious.
I'm seriously insulted that you even think that I would need your help.
I mean, it's not like it's 1862 or something.
Women can have dog babies on their own.
Look, I assure you, it's not gonna impact you in any way.
And I would like to buy that shoe.
Okay, bedtime. Mommy has to work in the morning, so night-night.
[GROWLING & BARKING]
[PHONE RINGING]
Of course.
- Hello? REGINA: Samantha?
Mom.
- Mom, why are you calling me so early? - It's 11:00.
You were supposed to cover our showing today.
What? What? Oh, no. I'm so sorry--
Samantha, if you're not gonna take this job seriously, then don't do it.
Look at me, I'm an aviatrix.
Okay, let's fly. Give me the keys.
Soon, yes, but I-- First I need you to sign this release form.
- Release form? What for? - Oh, in case something happens.
Like what?
Oh, you mean like I'm the first woman to fly around the world or like--
I'm not signing away my life story.
No. That's not gonna happen.
No, this just says we're not responsible if you have an incident.
With?
The ground.
Well, could I just drive it around the parking lot instead?
Hey, look. We're even.
Jimmy Choos.
Though it's not his fault, has the word "chew" right in it.
All right, come here, you. Look, you have a good day.
When I get back we're gonna have a nice long nap. All right?
You two be good.
Oh, my cell phone. Ugh!
Hey, I--
One of us was not good.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
I'm gonna wear you like a little sweater.
And then I'm gonna get some coffee right now.
And then you and I are gonna go everywhere, okay?
What?
Oh, come on. That wasn't there before.@n
One house drip, please.
[BARKING]
That's a bad dog owner, huh?
I mean, who is it? I don't know.
Frank. What are you doing here?
You realize I'm not actually attached to your building, don't you?
I'm on a break.
Yeah, I'm just getting some coffee.
My new little doggie and I were up all night.
Just playing and frolicking.
Yes. I heard from your neighbors.
- What, they heard him barking? - No, they heard you crying.
No. Laughing, Frank. I was laughing.
Oh, God. I'm in hell, Frank.
I mean, he's-- He chews furniture all day, he spins around all night.
I mean, doesn't he know he's not gonna catch his tail?
Like, does he not understand that?
I remember those nights.
Maddie's first night in the house,
my wife and I were up every five minutes.
Oh, yeah? What kind of breed is she?
- Maddie's your daughter, isn't she? - Yes.
God, you have a daughter, Frank. I mean, how do you do it?
Twenty-four hours with a dog and I am absolutely losing my mind.
What am I gonna do if I have a child?
You know, I used to be a tour guide.
Frank, my attention span is like "vroot."
People were allowed to get off at Wrigley Field.
When they got back on, I counted
and I couldn't leave until the same number of people got back on.
That's parenting.
If at the end of the day you have the same number of kids
you started out with, that's a good tour.
Right. Yeah. That's a-- That's a good goal.
I can do that. Thank you.
What?
Baby? He was just right here. Oh, no.
Oh, no. Baby!
Another tip. Tie your child up inside.
Oh, bad mommy.
Oh, good, you're here. I'm just curious.
Did you happen to take any pictures of Baby this morning
- that would make a good poster? - You lost the dog, didn't you?
Well, look who's all full of questions suddenly about the dog.
I thought you didn't care.
Which is why you wouldn't watch him, which is why I had him to lose.
Dena is gonna be very disappointed in you.
Okay, shouldn't we be out looking for the dog?
I've been looking.
Okay, but don't you help.
No, no, please. I'd rather you do the "I told you so" dance.
Because as you said, I cannot take care of a dog,
- much less a baby. - Okay, I get it.
You're mad at me because I was right.
And there it is.
Wow, that did not take long at all.
Hey, everyone.
Todd is right.
You hear that, Chicago?
Yeah, you know what? I think I'm gonna go out for a while.
Yeah, you know what, you should.
I'm sure everybody wants to see the guy that was right.
Here he comes, Chicago.
Start the parade.
Oh, crap.
Another plant died. Ugh!
- Where's Sam? - Oh, I guess she's running late.
You know, new dog owners.
It always takes them forever to get out of the house.
I guess we're gonna talk now, huh?
- Fun. - What's with all the stuff?
I thought you were gonna tell the press you aren't pregnant?
Well, I was going to, but then the stores just started sending me things.
Look at this bag, $3,000. Gorgeous.
Isn't that a diaper bag?
Not unless it has a diaper in it.
What the hell is this for?
[RATTLING]
Oh, I just figured it out.
Here we go. Martini.
And for the famous pregnant lady, I brought you a club soda.
- A club what? What's in there? - Club soda.
I saw you in the tabloids.
No drinking.
All right, that's not gonna happen. All right, listen up, everyone.
I am not pregnant. I am thin. I am-- I'm very thin.
Take a picture, tell your friends.
Ugh...
Sure, have a sip.
[RATTLING]
[KNOCKING]
- You rang? - Thanks for coming up.
I'm on hold with one of the shelters.
But I need you to take these flyers and pass them out, okay?
- You lost your horse, too? - I had to draw from memory, all right?
You remembered you had a horse.
Hey. I came to see the doggy.
[WHISPERS] You think she saw me?
[KNOCKING]
Hey, I'm sorry about that.
The stupid door keeps slamming.
Seriously, Frank, someone's gonna lose a finger.
Guess which one I'd miss most.
Hey, you know what? Dena, I was just about to turn in.
Oh, I'll just be a second. Where's Baby?
He's out. Like a light. He's sleeping.
Oh, well, he'll wanna see me.
- Baby. - Yeah, he won't come.
- He's really stupid. - Shy?
He's shy. He is so shy.
Well, I wanna give him his new toy.
I'm gonna be honest with you, I have given him so many toys.
But he'll want this one from his Aunt Dena.
Won't you? Won't you, Baby, huh?
Won't you, Baby? Yes, you will.
He just ran right into the closet.
He's quick. Did you see him go in there?
Aw, look at that, so cute.
Oh, okay. I'll just take a peek.
No. Just, here, I'll take it. I'll take the toy. I'll give it to him.
Hey there, you.
Oh! Whoa, was I wrong.
He's-- Really loves-- He loves this toy.
I'm gonna get it.
Oh, boy he's a real fighter.
I won.
So where's the dog?
Oh, he just scooted right on out of here.
- Went underneath the bed or something. - Oh, okay.
No. Don't look under the bed. Don't look under the bed.
- Why not? - Well, because. Oh, boo.
Your Christmas present's underneath there.
- Really? This early? - Mm-hm.
Yeah, I saw it in the store and I was like, "That is so Dena." So I got it.
Hey, look who I found outside.
[LAUGHS]
SAMANTHA: Hm.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, Regina, can I come in?
I just got a call from your instructor.
And he wanted to lock up for the night.
I can't do it, Howard.
I can't go up in this thing.
Well, let's sell it then.
I mean, it gets lousy mileage on the highway.
No. We can't sell it.
This plane was gonna make us do things.
You know, zip off to Atlantic City for the weekend.
Fly to Bora-Bora, have a massage from bare-chested men
who fed us mangos and rubbed our feet.
Doesn't sound sanitary.
I wanted us to be the Newlys who have adventures.
They're fascinating people, Howard.
Well, you know, we can still do things.
We can sell the plane and then take a trip to Bora-Bora.
- Really? You'd go? - Well, yeah, why not?
You get to see one of those fire dances and get a massage.
From a woman.
Oh, we could, huh?
And we'd have enough left over to buy a pinball machine.
I win.
I'm so sorry, Dena.
I just took my eyes off of him for one second.
Well, don't beat yourself up, Sam. I mean, dogs run away.
That's why we inject microchips into their necks, right?
I mean, yes we do. Don't we put things in your neck?
I'm trying to get one into Chase, but he's a light sleeper, so...
Well, thank you.
- Bye. - Bye.
Hey. Thanks for finding him.
- Where was he? - Side street.
Staring into the window of a shoe store.
You know, the thing is before he got lost
a small part of me was wishing I had never gotten him,
but then when he was gone all I could think about was, "Please be okay."
He does sort of grow on you.
Maybe tomorrow we could take him to the park.
No, I'm giving him away.
What? But, Sam--
No, I'm not ready to feel like that.
Thinking and worrying that much about something.
I mean, I get lost myself, like, nine times a day.
I'm already enough to handle.
Well, sure. Yeah, whatever you want.
I mean, it's up to you. Why start including me in any decisions around here?
Hey, Todd, do you know where the corkscrew is?
I know we had it when we snuck wine in the movies.
- What's this? - Oh, it's nothing. Give it to me.
Baby names?
It was on sale. I collect names. Give it.
You highlighted some. Let's see.
"Cynthia," no.
And "Holden."
Holden Deepler?
Oh, God, I would have no problem spanking that kid.
I was goofing around. You said you might be pregnant.
- When? - Three days ago.
You were gonna take a test.
I did. I passed. No baby.
Wait, you took the test without me there?
What, you wanted to watch me pee?
Because you know I could direct you to some websites if that's what you're into.
No, forget it.
No baby, that's all I wanted to know. It's great.
- Mm-hm. - I'll just open up the wine.
How about "Gaylord"? Gaylord Deepler.
[LAUGHING]
Here, stay there.
Hey, why are you acting this way?
Because when a guy storms out of a room, he likes to slam a door.
And I don't have a door.
And you can't slam a couch.
Look, I'm sorry I didn't involve you in this.
Or anything.
I just--
- I can't play house with you, okay? - Huh?
It's hard enough living here remembering we're not together,
then you bring in something to care about and expect us to act like a family.
And I have to remember we're not that, either.
See? This is what I mean.
Someone so self-involved,
that doesn't even realize that you're going through something,
should not be raising a baby.
Yet.
Shh. Don't move, he's sleeping.
[WHISPERING] Wait. I have to stand here all night?
Yeah. I'll get you a blanket.
No, no, Sam. Sam.
Shh. Don't move. Don't you move.
SAMANTHA: It is kind of remarkable we have this instinct to nurture,
to raise another living creature.
Do we do it to feel important? To be the center of someone's universe?
That's more like it. Oh.
SAMANTHA: Maybe we want it to turn us into someone we wanna be,
but aren't ready to be. Someday, maybe. Just not yet.
Being a parent is pretty much all sacrifice.
So until I can give another person all that it takes,
I'm gonna stick to my plants,
Holden and Cynthia.
You can leave these things anywhere and they stay put.
SAMANTHA: Sorry, Frank.
SAMANTHA: And at least now I know that when I'm ready,
I might not have to fly solo.
Thank you.