1
00:00:00,626 --> 00:00:03,460
SAM: You can't assume too much
about anything from the outside.
2
00:00:03,460 --> 00:00:06,668
Like a house.
You have to get inside and explore.
3
00:00:06,668 --> 00:00:08,168
You never know what you might find.
4
00:00:08,168 --> 00:00:11,418
Hey, Mom, I think that this might be one
of our more successful showings ever.
5
00:00:11,418 --> 00:00:14,752
I found ham and that mustard
that I love so much.
6
00:00:14,752 --> 00:00:16,251
[CHUCKLES]
7
00:00:16,835 --> 00:00:18,793
And as usual, I'm doing all the work.
8
00:00:19,793 --> 00:00:21,793
You know,
I should have just left you in the car
9
00:00:21,793 --> 00:00:23,626
with some water and cracked a window.
10
00:00:24,043 --> 00:00:26,877
I'm starving, okay?
We have been here all day.
11
00:00:26,877 --> 00:00:28,668
We've been here 20 minutes.
12
00:00:29,084 --> 00:00:33,334
I am just trying to build a business
that we can be proud of.
13
00:00:33,793 --> 00:00:36,501
But, you know, I'm not angry,
I'm just disappointed.
14
00:00:36,501 --> 00:00:39,043
Okay, I am not 5 years old.
15
00:00:39,043 --> 00:00:41,585
Do you really think
that that's gonna work?
16
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,501
Because it's not gonna work.
17
00:00:46,418 --> 00:00:48,668
Okay, fine, I'll try harder. God.
18
00:00:49,084 --> 00:00:51,126
You've got mustard on your face.
19
00:00:51,126 --> 00:00:53,835
Ew! Go away from me.
20
00:00:56,002 --> 00:00:57,585
Okay.
21
00:00:59,543 --> 00:01:03,209
Hello, welcome. I'm Samantha.
Would you please sign in?
22
00:01:03,209 --> 00:01:04,585
- Lindsey.
- Hi.
23
00:01:05,002 --> 00:01:07,168
- We really like the house.
- Oh, good. Good.
24
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:09,084
Let's see what we have here.
25
00:01:09,084 --> 00:01:13,126
It's nice. It's very much like one
we're interested in over in Elk Ridge.
26
00:01:13,126 --> 00:01:16,002
Elk Ridge? Oh, no, no, no.
27
00:01:16,002 --> 00:01:18,626
You do not want to live in Elk Ridge.
28
00:01:18,626 --> 00:01:22,126
- Why? What's wrong with Elk Ridge?
- What isn't wrong with Elk Ridge?
29
00:01:22,126 --> 00:01:24,960
Look, Lindsey, you seem a lot like me,
30
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:29,126
and Walnut Valley
is really the place for people like us.
31
00:01:29,126 --> 00:01:30,460
- People like us?
- Mm-hm.
32
00:01:30,460 --> 00:01:32,626
You mean, because Elk Ridge
is a black neighborhood?
33
00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:34,835
What? Wait. It is?
34
00:01:34,835 --> 00:01:36,752
- As if you didn't know.
- No, I--
35
00:01:36,752 --> 00:01:39,126
- People like you make me sick.
- No, I don't.
36
00:01:39,126 --> 00:01:40,877
- Wait a minute, what did I do?
- Roger?
37
00:01:40,877 --> 00:01:42,918
SAM:
I don't understand what you're--
38
00:01:42,918 --> 00:01:44,668
This is my husband.
39
00:01:45,043 --> 00:01:47,293
Oh, hi. Hello.
40
00:01:47,293 --> 00:01:49,293
Look, I really--
I didn't know about Elk Ridge.
41
00:01:49,293 --> 00:01:53,002
I've never even been there, okay?
Not that I wouldn't go there, it's just that--
42
00:01:53,002 --> 00:01:55,209
Look,
I'm just trying to sell you a house, okay?
43
00:01:55,209 --> 00:02:01,126
I mean, I love black--
African American...
44
00:02:01,126 --> 00:02:02,251
Black people.
45
00:02:04,168 --> 00:02:05,376
You want a ham sandwich?
46
00:02:05,376 --> 00:02:07,835
Wait a minute.
Ham, that's not offensive, is it? Right?
47
00:02:07,835 --> 00:02:10,835
Mom! I don't even wanna be doing this.
48
00:02:19,293 --> 00:02:21,126
They called me a racist.
49
00:02:21,543 --> 00:02:25,126
I am not racist. I voted Obama.
You know, I--
50
00:02:25,126 --> 00:02:28,543
I watch Oprah, it's--
My life is full of black people.
51
00:02:28,543 --> 00:02:30,668
Mrs. Butterworth,
she's technically black, right?
52
00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:34,793
- Do you actually know any black people?
- I feel like I know Oprah.
53
00:02:35,835 --> 00:02:40,376
So, what, if I don't know any black people,
then I'm automatically a racist?
54
00:02:40,376 --> 00:02:42,501
It's not like you have any black friends,
right?
55
00:02:42,501 --> 00:02:46,585
Uh-- Five. No, four now.
LaShondra and I had a falling out
56
00:02:46,585 --> 00:02:49,043
when I didn't invite her
to my Kwanzaa party, but...
57
00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:52,918
Don't look at me, I'm dating Tony Dane.
Black and gay. Two birds.
58
00:02:52,918 --> 00:02:56,710
Wait a minute, before the accident,
did I do anything that was racist?
59
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:57,918
ANDREA:
No.
60
00:02:57,918 --> 00:03:01,710
A black guy, a white guy and two Asians
were in the mail room one day.
61
00:03:01,710 --> 00:03:05,002
- Okay.
- You fired them all.
62
00:03:05,585 --> 00:03:08,710
Oh. I'm sorry,
I thought you were telling me a joke.
63
00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:11,460
Oh, Andrea, your boyfriend's on TV.
64
00:03:11,460 --> 00:03:14,168
Oh! Oh, turn it up, turn it up,
maybe he'll mention me.
65
00:03:14,168 --> 00:03:16,752
Well, it looks like
pro basketballer Tony Dane
66
00:03:16,752 --> 00:03:19,543
is giving new meaning
to the term "swish."
67
00:03:20,043 --> 00:03:21,835
Caught here by paparazzi,
68
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:24,460
the Great Dane
is making a full-court press
69
00:03:24,460 --> 00:03:27,460
on an unidentified male companion.
70
00:03:27,460 --> 00:03:30,460
Representatives for Dane
could not be reached for comment,
71
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:34,168
but an unnamed source
within the organization did confirm--
72
00:03:34,168 --> 00:03:36,334
Oh, my God. It's all over.
73
00:03:36,793 --> 00:03:40,251
The private jets, the parties,
the club openings.
74
00:03:40,251 --> 00:03:42,543
Oh, sweetie, it's gonna be okay.
75
00:03:42,543 --> 00:03:46,002
I'm sure you'll find another gay guy
to pretend to love you.
76
00:03:46,002 --> 00:03:48,002
Not like this one.
77
00:03:48,501 --> 00:03:50,126
- Hey.
- Miss Newly.
78
00:03:50,126 --> 00:03:51,793
Frank.
79
00:03:53,460 --> 00:03:55,710
Frank, you're black.
80
00:03:55,710 --> 00:03:58,877
Shh. Keep it quiet.
I'm trying to get off for Passover.
81
00:03:58,877 --> 00:04:00,168
No.
82
00:04:00,168 --> 00:04:03,877
No, I thought
I didn't have any black friends,
83
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:05,626
but you're black and we're friends.
84
00:04:05,626 --> 00:04:07,626
- No, ma'am.
- No?
85
00:04:07,626 --> 00:04:10,293
Because you seem kind of black.
86
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:13,460
- I mean, we are not friends.
- Of course we are.
87
00:04:13,460 --> 00:04:16,918
We see each other every day.
We talk. We're friends.
88
00:04:17,460 --> 00:04:18,793
What's my last name?
89
00:04:19,209 --> 00:04:20,793
Oh, uh... Brr.
90
00:04:20,793 --> 00:04:22,543
It's, um...
91
00:04:23,376 --> 00:04:26,752
Where am I from?
What's my wife's name?
92
00:04:26,752 --> 00:04:28,376
What's my son's name?
93
00:04:28,376 --> 00:04:30,002
- Marcello.
- Close.
94
00:04:30,002 --> 00:04:32,251
- I don't have a son.
- Fine.
95
00:04:32,251 --> 00:04:36,126
I'm not sure what it is you are doing,
Miss Newly, but don't.
96
00:04:36,126 --> 00:04:39,084
Friendships grow through time
and shared experiences.
97
00:04:39,084 --> 00:04:43,043
You carry my groceries,
you sign for my packages.
98
00:04:43,043 --> 00:04:45,293
I mean, if those aren't
shared experiences--
99
00:04:45,293 --> 00:04:47,626
- Good night, Miss Newly.
- Samantha.
100
00:04:47,626 --> 00:04:50,084
- Miss Newly.
- Frank, seriously?
101
00:04:50,084 --> 00:04:51,376
You don't think we're friends?
102
00:04:51,835 --> 00:04:54,877
Because that's just not okay with me.
103
00:04:55,084 --> 00:04:56,501
You know what?
104
00:04:56,501 --> 00:05:01,168
I'm not gonna stop
until you and I are true blue
105
00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:03,835
"pick me up in the middle of the night,
drive me to the airport,
106
00:05:03,835 --> 00:05:07,668
hold my hair back when I puke"
kind of friends.
107
00:05:08,168 --> 00:05:10,334
But I've already done
all those things for you.
108
00:05:10,918 --> 00:05:12,668
Not as friends.
109
00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:18,626
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
110
00:05:18,626 --> 00:05:20,002
Look at that on your lip.
111
00:05:20,002 --> 00:05:23,460
That's a-- It's a--
Oh, shoot, what is that called? Its--
112
00:05:23,460 --> 00:05:26,002
It's like a mustache but not one.
113
00:05:26,918 --> 00:05:30,043
Joke all you want, but you don't have
a say in it, you're not my girlfriend.
114
00:05:30,043 --> 00:05:32,002
And apparently,
you don't plan on having one.
115
00:05:32,002 --> 00:05:33,918
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
116
00:05:37,084 --> 00:05:39,209
Hi, Frank, what's up?
117
00:05:40,251 --> 00:05:43,002
Hey, Todd, it's my friend, Frank.
118
00:05:43,002 --> 00:05:45,835
Is there any reason why you wouldn't
come down and sign for this?
119
00:05:45,835 --> 00:05:48,501
Because all the fun is up here.
120
00:05:48,501 --> 00:05:51,585
Come on, join us.
We've got food and we have fun.
121
00:05:51,585 --> 00:05:53,918
We got Frank. It's F day.
122
00:05:53,918 --> 00:05:57,460
I can think of many other words
that begin with F, but I'd get fired.
123
00:05:57,460 --> 00:06:00,710
"Fired." There's another F.
124
00:06:00,710 --> 00:06:04,084
Sam, you didn't order
my black-bean sauce again.
125
00:06:04,084 --> 00:06:05,501
I'm sorry.
126
00:06:05,501 --> 00:06:08,418
You always make sure your order's right,
but you never think of me.
127
00:06:08,418 --> 00:06:10,002
I always think of you.
128
00:06:10,002 --> 00:06:12,960
I just think of myself first.
129
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,418
Some people find that adorable.
130
00:06:14,418 --> 00:06:16,293
- Well, Frank doesn't.
- He'll come around.
131
00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:18,835
He won't come around.
He doesn't wanna be your friend.
132
00:06:18,835 --> 00:06:20,877
Well, you know what?
He also didn't wanna drag out
133
00:06:20,877 --> 00:06:23,376
our dead Christmas tree,
but he did that.
134
00:06:23,376 --> 00:06:25,710
- I'll wear him down.
- Why is this your project?
135
00:06:26,168 --> 00:06:29,209
Because for the last two years,
I have been walking past that man
136
00:06:29,209 --> 00:06:32,543
and I know nothing about him.
And what does that say about me?
137
00:06:32,543 --> 00:06:34,960
Exactly. About you.
138
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,376
You want more friends?
139
00:06:36,376 --> 00:06:38,418
Maybe think of their needs,
what they want.
140
00:06:38,835 --> 00:06:41,002
You know what? You're right.
141
00:06:41,002 --> 00:06:43,293
And what Frank wants
is to be left alone.
142
00:06:44,585 --> 00:06:46,209
I'm gonna bake him a pie.
143
00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:00,877
Oh! Oh.
144
00:07:01,168 --> 00:07:03,376
Oh, hi. Can you please hold this
for a second, please?
145
00:07:03,376 --> 00:07:05,334
- Give me the purse.
- No, I've got the purse.
146
00:07:05,334 --> 00:07:07,793
- Just can you hold the pie?
- Give me the purse. Hurry up.
147
00:07:07,793 --> 00:07:11,293
What? Oh, no. Come on, no.
No, I can't have you do this right now.
148
00:07:11,293 --> 00:07:12,501
When would be a good time?
149
00:07:12,501 --> 00:07:14,877
You don't understand
what I'm going through and I really--
150
00:07:14,877 --> 00:07:17,710
I cannot have you reinforcing
a racial stereotype, okay?
151
00:07:17,710 --> 00:07:19,084
I'm really sorry.
152
00:07:19,084 --> 00:07:21,418
You know,
if you can't look past the color of my skin
153
00:07:21,418 --> 00:07:24,793
and see me as a man stealing your purse,
I feel sorry for you.
154
00:07:24,793 --> 00:07:28,460
How about this? Give me your address
and then I'll send you something later.
155
00:07:28,460 --> 00:07:30,585
- Okay, it's 422--
- 422.
156
00:07:30,585 --> 00:07:32,835
- Give me the damn purse!
- What? No, I just--
157
00:07:32,835 --> 00:07:36,877
But there's a card in there for--
For Frank.
158
00:07:38,002 --> 00:07:41,209
SETH: Hello, Andrea.
- Hello, gin.
159
00:07:41,209 --> 00:07:43,626
Andrea, it's me. I heard about Tony.
160
00:07:44,501 --> 00:07:47,835
You passed on a relationship with me
to be with a gay guy.
161
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:51,251
Believe me, that's the least of the reasons
I passed on you.
162
00:07:51,251 --> 00:07:53,710
Oh, must be rough
knowing you turned a guy gay.
163
00:07:53,710 --> 00:07:56,752
- I didn't turn anyone gay.
- Hey, I'm not judging, okay?
164
00:07:56,752 --> 00:07:58,877
In fact, I'm willing to let you
try it out on me.
165
00:07:58,877 --> 00:08:00,793
Tony was already gay.
166
00:08:00,793 --> 00:08:03,793
He asked me
to pretend to be his girlfriend.
167
00:08:03,793 --> 00:08:07,251
- Okay, so what was in it for you?
- What do you think?
168
00:08:07,668 --> 00:08:12,710
The limos, the parties,
photographs in Us Weekly.
169
00:08:12,710 --> 00:08:17,002
I was so airbrushed and pretty,
and happy.
170
00:08:17,501 --> 00:08:19,002
And now it's all gone.
171
00:08:19,002 --> 00:08:23,084
I'm meeting with his people tomorrow
so they can give me the big kiss off.
172
00:08:23,084 --> 00:08:25,543
I think I'm gonna miss
the airbrushing the most.
173
00:08:25,543 --> 00:08:27,835
Man, you are so afraid
to be with someone.
174
00:08:27,835 --> 00:08:30,209
- What are you talking about, afraid?
- Of being seen.
175
00:08:31,002 --> 00:08:36,209
By someone who sees what you need
and can really give it to you.
176
00:08:36,209 --> 00:08:40,960
To take you in his arms
and really, truly love you.
177
00:09:01,209 --> 00:09:03,710
You want your olive back?
178
00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:05,209
SAM:
You didn't have to call the police.
179
00:09:05,209 --> 00:09:07,793
I only told you that I got mugged
because I needed a ride home.
180
00:09:07,793 --> 00:09:11,626
I want this guy caught.
My family lives in this neighborhood.
181
00:09:11,626 --> 00:09:13,918
You do not live in this neighborhood.
182
00:09:13,918 --> 00:09:15,710
What are you doing
in this neighborhood?
183
00:09:15,710 --> 00:09:18,251
You're welcome for the lovely pie,
Frank.
184
00:09:18,251 --> 00:09:19,460
What a nice friend.
185
00:09:19,460 --> 00:09:22,835
I did not ask you for pie,
I did not ask you for balloons.
186
00:09:22,835 --> 00:09:24,918
I did not ask to be your friend.
187
00:09:24,918 --> 00:09:28,002
You're talking like a Dr. Seuss character.
Just a little bit.
188
00:09:28,002 --> 00:09:29,710
Look, why don't we both just admit
189
00:09:29,710 --> 00:09:31,501
- what this is all about?
- What?
190
00:09:31,501 --> 00:09:33,918
You're only pursuing this
so you can ease your guilt about
191
00:09:33,918 --> 00:09:36,084
- not having a black friend.
- No, that is not true.
192
00:09:36,084 --> 00:09:37,334
[SIREN WAILS]
193
00:09:37,334 --> 00:09:39,710
I just wanna be your friend, Frank.
Period.
194
00:09:39,710 --> 00:09:42,752
It's not about color.
That is everybody else's hang-up.
195
00:09:42,752 --> 00:09:46,126
I have no guilt. Okay?
196
00:09:46,793 --> 00:09:48,168
Thank you for coming, officers.
197
00:09:48,168 --> 00:09:50,585
- This is Miss Newly, the victim.
- Yeah.
198
00:09:50,585 --> 00:09:51,835
- Hello ma'am.
SAM: Hi.
199
00:09:51,835 --> 00:09:54,126
Can you tell us
what your attacker looked like?
200
00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:56,418
Yeah, he...
201
00:10:02,501 --> 00:10:03,877
White guy.
202
00:10:04,293 --> 00:10:07,710
Very white. Blindingly so.
203
00:10:07,710 --> 00:10:08,835
Yeah.
204
00:10:11,877 --> 00:10:13,002
Morning, Frank.
205
00:10:13,626 --> 00:10:16,084
Could you call me a cab
to my mom's house?
206
00:10:16,835 --> 00:10:18,043
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
207
00:10:18,043 --> 00:10:19,251
I'm sorry.
208
00:10:19,251 --> 00:10:22,251
Todd is still picking up my car
at your house
209
00:10:22,251 --> 00:10:23,918
and he's just taking forever.
210
00:10:24,418 --> 00:10:30,168
He thinks it's really funny
to change all my radio stations to gospel.
211
00:10:30,168 --> 00:10:31,418
[SINGING]
Hallelujah
212
00:10:31,418 --> 00:10:32,877
Hal--
213
00:10:32,877 --> 00:10:34,460
Sorry.
214
00:10:36,334 --> 00:10:38,084
Thank you for the pie.
215
00:10:38,501 --> 00:10:41,918
Oh. You're welcome. Was it good?
216
00:10:42,293 --> 00:10:45,543
The important thing is
you were reaching out.
217
00:10:45,543 --> 00:10:46,877
And I'm sorry.
218
00:10:46,877 --> 00:10:49,209
I've become accustomed
to shutting people out.
219
00:10:49,626 --> 00:10:52,209
If I had been open
to your offer of kindness,
220
00:10:52,209 --> 00:10:54,501
then you wouldn't have
needed to go to my home
221
00:10:54,918 --> 00:10:56,877
and you wouldn't have been attacked.
222
00:10:57,501 --> 00:10:59,168
Did you try the pie?
223
00:10:59,168 --> 00:11:01,835
The important thing is,
224
00:11:01,835 --> 00:11:05,460
if you still want to be friends,
225
00:11:05,460 --> 00:11:07,752
I suppose that would be okay,
Miss Newly.
226
00:11:09,126 --> 00:11:14,251
- That would be okay, what...?
- Samantha.
227
00:11:14,251 --> 00:11:15,418
[LAUGHS]
228
00:11:15,418 --> 00:11:16,918
- Yay!
- Oh, no, no.
229
00:11:16,918 --> 00:11:18,293
- Oh, yes.
- Get off of me. No.
230
00:11:18,293 --> 00:11:19,418
I'm gonna grab you till you--
231
00:11:20,126 --> 00:11:24,334
So Mr. Tony Dane
couldn't be bothered to show up, huh?
232
00:11:24,334 --> 00:11:27,002
Fine. Let's do this.
233
00:11:27,002 --> 00:11:29,084
First, I get to keep all the gifts.
234
00:11:29,084 --> 00:11:31,376
Second,
I still wanna go to the Grammy's.
235
00:11:31,835 --> 00:11:33,293
I was looking forward to that.
236
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:35,084
And I don't care how you arrange it,
237
00:11:35,084 --> 00:11:37,043
but I wanna meet Tiger Woods,
James Gandolfini
238
00:11:37,043 --> 00:11:38,418
and Captain Jack Sparrow.
239
00:11:38,418 --> 00:11:40,835
- Are you finished?
- And I wanna carry the Olympic torch.
240
00:11:40,835 --> 00:11:44,209
- Okay, now.
- Here's our counteroffer.
241
00:11:46,043 --> 00:11:48,418
Andrea Belladonna,
242
00:11:48,752 --> 00:11:51,460
will you marry Tony Dane?
243
00:11:56,418 --> 00:11:59,334
Hey. Hey!
Where's your hideous red coat?
244
00:11:59,334 --> 00:12:01,626
If I have to wear the hideous red coat,
so do you.
245
00:12:01,626 --> 00:12:04,002
The showing has been canceled,
the sellers fired us.
246
00:12:04,002 --> 00:12:06,626
- What? Why?
- Remember the potential buyers?
247
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:08,460
That couple you insulted?
248
00:12:08,460 --> 00:12:11,251
Well, they apparently own
the hottest new steakhouse in town
249
00:12:11,251 --> 00:12:14,126
and they're telling all their customers
that we are a racist company.
250
00:12:14,126 --> 00:12:16,376
- What?
- Oh, and two other clients have fired us.
251
00:12:16,376 --> 00:12:18,877
SAM: Okay, well, you know what?
You can't blame that on me.
252
00:12:18,877 --> 00:12:21,460
Because there could be a million reasons
why they fired us.
253
00:12:21,460 --> 00:12:24,501
First of all, you know,
we're not very good.
254
00:12:24,501 --> 00:12:27,626
You are gonna convince that couple
that you are not a racist.
255
00:12:27,626 --> 00:12:29,043
Unless, I don't know,
256
00:12:29,043 --> 00:12:31,460
- maybe you really are.
- Oh.
257
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:34,334
When you were a baby, you cried
all the way through The Jeffersons.
258
00:12:34,334 --> 00:12:36,877
- Mom.
- And you don't have any black friends.
259
00:12:36,877 --> 00:12:39,918
Uh... Yes, I do. I have Frank.
260
00:12:39,918 --> 00:12:41,293
If they could see that then...
261
00:12:41,293 --> 00:12:42,710
[GASPS]
262
00:12:42,710 --> 00:12:44,376
FRANK:
This is a real nice steakhouse.
263
00:12:44,376 --> 00:12:46,793
- Thank you for inviting me.
- Yeah. Yeah, sure.
264
00:12:46,793 --> 00:12:49,626
You know, when you do real estate,
you don't just know about houses,
265
00:12:49,626 --> 00:12:51,918
you know about steakhouses,
you know?
266
00:12:51,918 --> 00:12:54,126
Oh, excuse me, miss. Hi.
267
00:12:54,126 --> 00:12:58,251
Can I please talk to the owners?
I don't like my steak, so...
268
00:12:58,251 --> 00:13:00,752
- I'm sorry, I can get you another one.
- No, I'll eat it.
269
00:13:00,752 --> 00:13:02,585
I just need to tell someone.
270
00:13:02,585 --> 00:13:06,126
- Okay, I'll get the chef.
SAM: Oh, no, no, no.
271
00:13:06,668 --> 00:13:09,543
- I need to talk to the owners.
- Okay, I'll see what I can do.
272
00:13:09,543 --> 00:13:10,752
Mm.
273
00:13:10,752 --> 00:13:13,460
- The skirt.
- All right, thanks.
274
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:16,002
- This is fun, huh?
- It is.
275
00:13:16,002 --> 00:13:20,126
I'll admit as a rule, I try to avoid
being someone's first black friend.
276
00:13:20,126 --> 00:13:21,710
They try too hard.
277
00:13:21,710 --> 00:13:25,002
They start talking about Halle Berry,
how they voted for Obama,
278
00:13:25,002 --> 00:13:27,877
- how much they love Oprah.
- Yeah.
279
00:13:27,877 --> 00:13:29,043
Where are those owners?
280
00:13:29,043 --> 00:13:31,460
Hello, I understand someone
wanted to speak with the--
281
00:13:33,168 --> 00:13:36,293
- You.
- You own this place?
282
00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:37,501
I didn't know that.
283
00:13:37,501 --> 00:13:40,376
I love it. I love it.
So does my friend Frank here.
284
00:13:41,002 --> 00:13:42,501
- This is Frank.
- Oh.
285
00:13:43,418 --> 00:13:45,251
- Your friend, Frank.
- Yeah.
286
00:13:45,251 --> 00:13:48,668
So now I guess we can just stop
all the jibber-jabbering
287
00:13:48,668 --> 00:13:51,084
- about who my friends are, right?
- Oh, right.
288
00:13:51,084 --> 00:13:53,710
Because you thought
showing up with a black friend
289
00:13:53,710 --> 00:13:57,585
would stop us from reporting your racist
company to the real-estate board?
290
00:13:57,585 --> 00:14:00,251
- Pardon me?
SAM: Whoa, whoa, hey.
291
00:14:00,251 --> 00:14:03,251
Just because Frank here
might be black--
292
00:14:03,251 --> 00:14:05,501
I mean, is he? I don't know.
Are you black?
293
00:14:05,501 --> 00:14:08,293
Because I don't even see color at all.
294
00:14:08,293 --> 00:14:11,043
Does not mean
that he is not my actual friend.
295
00:14:11,043 --> 00:14:13,960
Okay? Please, Frank, tell her.
296
00:14:15,293 --> 00:14:17,251
Yes, ma'am.
297
00:14:17,251 --> 00:14:20,752
Why, Miss Samantha here,
she been real good to me.
298
00:14:20,752 --> 00:14:22,626
See, what I'm ta-- What?
299
00:14:22,626 --> 00:14:25,585
Oh, yes. Yes. You see lots of people,
300
00:14:25,585 --> 00:14:28,752
they don't take their doorman out
for no fancy meal.
301
00:14:28,752 --> 00:14:32,168
But Miss Samantha here,
she don't mind eating with the help.
302
00:14:32,918 --> 00:14:35,084
- He's your doorman?
- No.
303
00:14:35,585 --> 00:14:40,126
- He's not just my doorman.
- Oh, no. No, ma'am.
304
00:14:40,126 --> 00:14:43,460
Why, I also carry her things, to and fro.
305
00:14:43,460 --> 00:14:46,501
Why, she a real nice lady.
306
00:14:48,084 --> 00:14:51,002
You should be ashamed of yourself.
307
00:14:54,376 --> 00:14:57,543
First of all, dinner's on me.
308
00:14:58,002 --> 00:15:01,877
I-- Frank, come on.
Frank, please, come back.
309
00:15:01,877 --> 00:15:04,877
We pre-ordered the soufflé.
310
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,334
So now Frank thinks
that I was using him
311
00:15:08,334 --> 00:15:11,126
just to prove that I had a black friend.
312
00:15:11,126 --> 00:15:13,752
- Which you were.
- No, I was not.
313
00:15:13,752 --> 00:15:17,752
I only used him after
we had already become friends, okay?
314
00:15:17,752 --> 00:15:21,293
And then, yes, I behaved very badly.
315
00:15:21,293 --> 00:15:23,460
You know,
I don't think he's a good influence on me.
316
00:15:23,460 --> 00:15:25,251
I might have to cut him out of my life.
317
00:15:25,251 --> 00:15:27,501
So you're not gonna even try
to be friends with him?
318
00:15:27,501 --> 00:15:29,084
I mean, what am I supposed to do?
319
00:15:29,084 --> 00:15:31,877
- Quitter.
- He doesn't want it.
320
00:15:31,877 --> 00:15:34,376
He hasn't even filed
a restraining order yet.
321
00:15:34,793 --> 00:15:36,710
I mean,
I waited 20 years to be your friend.
322
00:15:36,710 --> 00:15:39,334
You put up a fight,
but look where we are now.
323
00:15:39,334 --> 00:15:40,793
Yep, here we are.
324
00:15:40,793 --> 00:15:42,002
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
325
00:15:42,002 --> 00:15:45,334
I mean, you'd be amazed at the beautiful
friendships you can force on people.
326
00:15:46,251 --> 00:15:49,126
- Wow.
- So, what are you two losers
327
00:15:49,126 --> 00:15:50,376
doing in three months?
328
00:15:50,376 --> 00:15:52,918
[IN SINGSONG VOICE]
Because I'm getting married.
329
00:15:52,918 --> 00:15:55,626
- What? Oh, my God.
- Married to whom?
330
00:15:55,626 --> 00:15:56,960
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
To-- To who?
331
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,585
Tony Dane, what do you think?
332
00:15:58,585 --> 00:16:01,835
- What do I think? I think he's gay.
- He's really gay, Andrea.
333
00:16:01,835 --> 00:16:06,209
And I think I've waited my entire life
to tell my friends that I'm engaged.
334
00:16:06,209 --> 00:16:09,293
So I think we should just put aside
the pesky details for one night
335
00:16:09,293 --> 00:16:11,293
and just get onboard, okay?
336
00:16:14,334 --> 00:16:16,460
[BOTH SHOUTING AND LAUGHING]
337
00:16:16,668 --> 00:16:18,793
Oh, my God, let me see that.
It is stunning.
338
00:16:18,793 --> 00:16:22,126
See, Tony's entering a contract here
and they don't want any bad press.
339
00:16:22,126 --> 00:16:23,877
So they're gonna
announce the engagement,
340
00:16:23,877 --> 00:16:27,334
and then all the designers are gonna bid
to see who's gonna make my dress,
341
00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:30,334
and the wedding photos
are already pre-sold to People Magazine,
342
00:16:30,334 --> 00:16:33,168
and they're paying Gwen Stefani
a hundred grand to show up
343
00:16:33,168 --> 00:16:34,960
and be my best friend.
344
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,668
- It's like a fairy tale.
- I know.
345
00:16:37,668 --> 00:16:39,710
- I'll get us some champagne.
- Okay.
346
00:16:40,168 --> 00:16:43,043
See? She called me friend.
That didn't happen overnight.
347
00:16:43,043 --> 00:16:44,793
Yeah, well,
she's also marrying a gay dude
348
00:16:44,793 --> 00:16:46,835
so she might not be in her right mind.
349
00:16:46,835 --> 00:16:50,293
ANDREA:
Three champagnes. I'm engaged.
350
00:16:52,251 --> 00:16:54,293
What about the other night?
351
00:16:55,668 --> 00:16:59,043
Did you not just hear what I said?
I'm engaged.
352
00:16:59,043 --> 00:17:02,626
You felt something between us.
And I know you weren't that drunk.
353
00:17:02,626 --> 00:17:07,043
A little tip,
don't ever underestimate how drunk I am.
354
00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:17,334
You don't fool me.
355
00:17:17,334 --> 00:17:19,752
[DOORBELL BUZZING]
356
00:17:21,835 --> 00:17:23,543
[SIGHS]
357
00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:27,043
I think I know the answer to this.
358
00:17:27,043 --> 00:17:29,793
But do you care I have a little girl in here
who's trying to sleep?
359
00:17:29,793 --> 00:17:32,752
She'll be fine.
Marcello will take care of her.
360
00:17:33,126 --> 00:17:34,835
- If you came here to apologize--
- No.
361
00:17:35,293 --> 00:17:37,960
For wanting to be your friend? No.
362
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:41,918
Am I perfect, Frank? No.
But we don't get to choose our friends.
363
00:17:41,918 --> 00:17:45,543
I mean, do you really think
that I chose Dena and Andrea?
364
00:17:45,543 --> 00:17:47,460
But there we are.
365
00:17:47,460 --> 00:17:49,418
- It's late, Miss Newly.
- Samantha.
366
00:17:49,418 --> 00:17:51,084
Miss Newly.
367
00:17:51,084 --> 00:17:53,460
We're going back
to the way things were before.
368
00:17:53,460 --> 00:17:56,209
- Before dinner?
- Before your accident.
369
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:59,251
When you were as mean as a snake
and never gave me a glance.
370
00:17:59,752 --> 00:18:03,334
I didn't have to know you,
I didn't have to care about you.
371
00:18:03,334 --> 00:18:06,710
You said care. I heard it, Frank.
You said care.
372
00:18:07,209 --> 00:18:08,960
- Let's go, give me the money.
- What?
373
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,251
SAM:
Oh, this is ridiculous.
374
00:18:10,251 --> 00:18:13,334
Seriously, guy, branch out.
Meet new people.
375
00:18:13,334 --> 00:18:15,168
Oh, damn.
376
00:18:15,168 --> 00:18:17,626
It's the chatty white lady
with no money in her purse.
377
00:18:17,626 --> 00:18:21,585
- Is this the man who mugged you?
- How can you have $5 and ten lipsticks?
378
00:18:21,585 --> 00:18:24,585
- You lied to the police.
- Maybe.
379
00:18:24,585 --> 00:18:27,626
But hey, you know what? If I had told them
who my real mugger was,
380
00:18:27,626 --> 00:18:30,460
- we wouldn't be sharing this right now.
- Yeah, I'm aware of that.
381
00:18:30,460 --> 00:18:32,918
Shared experiences, Frank, remember?
382
00:18:34,084 --> 00:18:35,835
Plus you care about me.
383
00:18:35,835 --> 00:18:40,002
You know what? If this guy shot me
right here and now, you would miss me.
384
00:18:40,002 --> 00:18:42,752
Hey, what? Hey. Who's got a gun?
385
00:18:42,752 --> 00:18:45,960
Not me. That's armed robbery,
a whole different thing.
386
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,043
Just say it, Frank.
387
00:18:48,043 --> 00:18:50,334
I'll tell you what,
I'll close my eyes right now,
388
00:18:50,334 --> 00:18:51,835
you kidnap my friend,
389
00:18:52,501 --> 00:18:54,501
and if anybody asks,
I'll say it was a white guy.
390
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:56,126
Why are you talking about
kidnapping?
391
00:18:56,126 --> 00:18:57,293
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
392
00:18:57,293 --> 00:18:58,668
Excuse me.
393
00:18:59,752 --> 00:19:02,460
Hello? Oh, it's the police.
394
00:19:04,126 --> 00:19:05,501
They found my mugger.
395
00:19:05,501 --> 00:19:09,043
Hey, forget this. I'd rather just get a job.
396
00:19:09,460 --> 00:19:11,293
Are you sure it's him?
397
00:19:11,293 --> 00:19:17,626
Because my description
was sort of vague and useless.
398
00:19:18,501 --> 00:19:23,084
So, ma'am, just tell us if the man
who robbed you is inside this room.
399
00:19:23,084 --> 00:19:24,752
Mm. Yeah, okay.
400
00:19:31,460 --> 00:19:32,918
[EXHALES]
401
00:19:34,168 --> 00:19:36,293
Wait a minute,
they can't really see me, right?
402
00:19:36,293 --> 00:19:37,960
- Why, do you see the guy?
- Right?
403
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:42,126
Because we caught one of them
breaking into your car with your keys.
404
00:19:43,918 --> 00:19:46,585
Okay, Todd, seriously,
I am so sorry, all right?
405
00:19:46,585 --> 00:19:51,752
Look, I'll bet you soon, we'll tell this story
and we'll just laugh and laugh.
406
00:19:51,752 --> 00:19:54,168
- Yeah. What was your favorite part?
- Huh?
407
00:19:54,168 --> 00:19:57,710
- Mine was the delousing.
- Look, I'm sorry, okay?
408
00:19:57,710 --> 00:19:59,501
I had to come up with something quickly
409
00:19:59,501 --> 00:20:02,418
and I guess I just described
the first guy I thought of.
410
00:20:03,752 --> 00:20:05,293
Really?
411
00:20:05,710 --> 00:20:07,835
Yeah. What?
412
00:20:08,460 --> 00:20:12,585
- I was the first guy you thought of.
- Oh, don't get all cocky.
413
00:20:12,585 --> 00:20:14,418
Am I always the first guy you think of?
414
00:20:14,418 --> 00:20:16,626
Like in the morning, when you wake up?
415
00:20:16,626 --> 00:20:18,043
You know what? Shut up.
416
00:20:18,043 --> 00:20:21,626
It was probably just
that stupid little ratty mustache.
417
00:20:21,626 --> 00:20:23,626
I'll grow it some more
if you like it so much.
418
00:20:23,626 --> 00:20:26,168
Yeah, okay, you do that.
I'll see you in six months.
419
00:20:26,168 --> 00:20:27,626
You can't even look me in the eye.
420
00:20:28,043 --> 00:20:30,585
I should have had them put you away.
421
00:20:31,251 --> 00:20:35,084
Oh, that was almost
worth getting Tasered.
422
00:20:37,501 --> 00:20:40,043
SAM: Okay, so anyway,
here's how to cure racism.
423
00:20:40,043 --> 00:20:41,334
And I want credit.
424
00:20:41,334 --> 00:20:45,334
If everyone on Earth just looks
into the eyes of every other person,
425
00:20:45,334 --> 00:20:48,835
we'll all be friends
and there will be no racism.
426
00:20:49,251 --> 00:20:51,126
Of course,
the logistics will be a nightmare
427
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:54,460
and require exceptional
organizational skills.
428
00:20:54,460 --> 00:20:56,626
Maybe the Chinese can do it?
429
00:20:56,626 --> 00:20:58,710
- Hey.
- Hey.
430
00:20:58,710 --> 00:21:02,084
- We're friends now, right?
- Yes. Absolutely.
431
00:21:02,084 --> 00:21:03,376
- Good.
- What?
432
00:21:03,376 --> 00:21:06,668
I need you to cover for me.
My band has a gig tonight.
433
00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:08,668
Oh.
434
00:21:12,043 --> 00:21:13,960
Can you call me a cab?
435
00:21:16,835 --> 00:21:18,918
[BLOWS WHISTLE]