SAM: Signposts.
They say, very clearly, "You are here,"
even if "here" isn't where you wanna be,
and especially when, inevitably, the billionaire you let get away shows up.
Hello, Sam.
Funk. Hi.
It was so weird. I was just walking by, and I found this arrow.
So things are going well for you since you left my company?
Yeah, super-duper. Yeah.
No, I mean, I get to work outdoors, you know?
Not all cooped up in some limo.
You know, it is so good to see you. I'm glad I didn't take the helicopter.
Heh. Probably still could have seen me.
You can probably see me from space.
Well, I'll let you know.
I'm actually gonna be hitching a ride on the shuttle in June.
Really?
Oh, eating meals through a tube.
No, thank you.
You take care, Sam.
- And say hi to your mom for me, all right? - Yeah.
[SOFTLY] Bye.
- Hey. - Whew.
Hey.
You're making it look like you made food. Who are you apologizing to?
Well, my mother is coming over here to discuss our business,
and I am going to quit.
[WHISPERS] Yeah. - Oh.
Okay, so I'm just gonna go.
She'll understand, right?
I mean, she has to.
I just can't do it anymore.
How did I get here, you know?
I mean, a year ago, I make this big old deal about leaving Chapman and Funk
to go do great things with my life,
and now, here I am, working with my mother in this dead-end job.
And my ex-boyfriend's sleeping on my couch because I need the rent.
I mean, is that not the lamest thing you've ever heard?
Well, it's up there, but no.
I just have to do something, I have to do anything.
God, it was so obvious when I was talking to Funk today.
- Funk? Where'd you see Funk? - Oh, on the street corner that I work.
That didn't come out right.
- Anyway, he's sitting there in his limo-- - A "limo." Ha-ha-ha.
I bet he looked like a dork.
Yeah, he was pretty jealous of my big arrow.
[SIGHS]
Andrea.
- I hate to bother you. - Then don't.
Oh. Heh-heh. That's funny.
The school I'm substitute-teaching at is having a fundraiser auction.
- You're a teacher? - You knew that.
- What happened to that flower shop? - I've never had a flower shop.
Mm. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree, then.
Okay, yeah.
Anyway, I was thinking,
maybe if I donated a ball autographed by Tony Dane,
that maybe the school would hire me full-time,
and then I'd get that insurance. Yay.
Since when am I someone you can ask for a favor?
Since I Heimliched that olive out of your throat.
Some favor. That was my dinner.
Look, Andrea, I need that dental.
I keep trying to chew every bite 20 times like I promised my mom,
but I get to, like, 14 and I just taste blood.
Listen to what I'm dealing with.
According to research from Tony Dane's publicist,
people think I'm heartless.
Wow, I don't know where they're getting that. I mean, that's--
Six out of ten people surveyed would rather see Tony gay than marry me.
If I don't start testing better, they're gonna call off my wedding.
Hey, huh? What if you get this ball signed for me,
and then people won't think you're as horrible as you really are?
Better idea.
I'll get that ball signed for you, but first,
how do you feel about choking to death?
Oh.
I don't know. I always thought I'd be stabbed.
I have always envied this about you, Samantha.
I can never relax in my home unless it's clean.
Yeah.
Sit down, Mom. Um...
Pizza bagel?
Oh, Lord, you pretended to make food.
What have you done?
Okay, Mom.
Now, listen.
I love working with you,
- but this is just not my dream job, and I-- - Don't say another word.
- I understand. - I don't think you do.
- I don't feel horrible yet. - This is not the job for you, I get that.
- Oh. - It's like when I used to help
with your math homework, and, finally,
I just stopped trying to push that rock up a hill.
And I said "She's not gonna need this math. She's pretty."
That was a while ago, but, you know, still.
- You know what you need to do? - Yes, something meaningful with my life.
- Go to Vegas. - What? Vegas? Why?
I got an invitation to a motivational seminar.
They promise to focus you on your dream and help you achieve it.
Plus I got tickets to Bette Midler.
Yes. Mom, that is exactly what I need.
Well, except for betting on the Midler thing,
because I don't know anything about gambling,
but Vegas, yes. Let's do it!
- Real estate. You tricked me. - No, no, no.
- Unbelievable! - No, no. Not really, no.
And I just am trying to light a fire underneath you.
Now, they have some great motivational seminars here.
I mean, one where they actually light a fire underneath you.
Okay, here's $20 for the poker machines.
That's all you get. Okay?
So have fun, see you in a while.
- Where you going, Daddy? - Well, I like keno.
You know, you can watch sports, drink,
and have an exotic woman take your money $5 at a time.
- It's like the Navy again. Hmm. - Mm.
- Come on, we're gonna be late. - No!
I am already late starting my life, Mother.
I am leaving, okay?
You're gonna miss out on the free tote bag.
[CROWD CHEERING LOUDLY]
MAN: Ms. Newly? - Hi.
It's been a while, ma'am.
Meaning I've been here before.
Meaning you probably want me to leave. I'm really sorry.
- Would you like to play? - Oh, no. I don't have any cash on me.
I could get some quarters from my mom, but she's in a--
This is in your account from last time, $50,000.
[STAMMERING] Fifty thousand?
That's--? This is my--? I could--?
That's--? That's money?
That's like--?
I could change that-- That's mine?
That's my money?
You mean I could just walk away from here with all of that?
- Just free and clear? - Yes.
- Huh. - Or you could play some.
BILL: New shooter, new shooter. Place your bet.
[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]
[CHUCKLES]
- You wanna blow on them for good luck? - Sure.
[GIGGLES]
Maybe a little.
- Welcome back, Ms. Newly. - Thanks, Bill.
- It's good to be back. - New shooter!
MAN: Evening. - Hi.
Point is six, odds on the six. Cover the hard ways.
Vodka martini, dry, two olives.
All right, another 500 on the come, place the ten and 50.
Come on, baby. Who likes money?
[CROWD CHEERING]
How do you lose $100,000?
Well, first you have 50,000
and you lose that.
Then they lend you another 50,000
That's a hundred.
See, Mom? That math paid off.
You're just like your mother.
She lost her whole $20 while I was in the bathroom.
Oh, yeah, that's gotta hurt, Dad.
- Why are you smiling? - I'm not smiling.
I'm sad for you that you have to keep working with your mother
- to pay off your debt. - That's a smile.
Hmm. It's the way my mouth is set.
I'm like a dolphin.
No! Forget it.
No, I saw it.
I saw freedom and autonomy. I had it in my hands!
I know what that feels like.
Daddy, were you gonna leave me anything when you died?
- Because that day is sneaking up on us. - Oh, can't help you, kiddo.
The support group I went to after your mom's last bingo bender,
it taught me the worst thing you can do is be an enabler.
Come on.
- Regina! Regina. No, no. - Just one quarter! Just one! I can feel it!
- This machine, I can feel it! - Get out of here.
Here you go.
How am I supposed to choke on this? It's soft.
You don't have to really choke. Pretend.
Hey, I did three summers of theatre camp. Don't question my process.
[GROANS]
Whew!
[EXHALES]
Ho, ha.
All right.
It's showtime.
[GRUNTING]
Dena!
Dena, are you choking?
Oh, my God, she's choking to death!
It's me! Andrea Belladonna! I'll save you!
Come on. Come on, girl.
Don't worry, I'm a Scout. I know exactly what to do.
- Kid, it's all right, I got it. - No, I need my lifesaving badge.
- Kid, get back! - Ow!
MAN: Oh. - My arm!
He's fine, he's fine.
Andrea Belladonna broke my arm! Aah!
- And scene. - Oh.
I'm just trying to help you, Bill.
I mean, how can you stay in business if people lose?
You know, that is just not a model for success.
I really wish I could help you, Ms. Newly.
Okay, here's the thing, Bill.
I have amnesia. Yeah, yeah.
You could get into a lot of trouble for letting me play.
So just give me back my money
and I won't go to the Department of Casino Rules,
which is very real.
- It's good to see you again, Ms. Newly. - No, Bill! Stop. Bill.
- What if I can't pay? - I'm not worried. You'll pay.
Okay, but what if I can't?
- You will. - How? Bill.
They're gonna break my kneecaps, aren't they?
I need my knees, Bill.
I mean, how can I beg without my knees?
Right? Bill? Bill.
FUNK: Sam?
Hey, Funk.
Be with you in just one second, okay?
Ahem. Who makes this carpet, again?
I'm gonna have to sell my apartment.
I'm gonna be homeless.
God, this is all my mother's fault.
You know, I see homeless people on the street and I wonder,
how does something like that happen? And you know why?
They know my mom.
- I know it hurts. - Why didn't I just go to that conference?
- I would have that money and a tote. - You would have loved my seminar.
I did this thing. We lit a fire under someone's chair.
Why didn't I just walk away from that table?
- Because you loved it. - What?
No, I didn't, I hated it.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Come on, the action, the buzz,
money flowing in and out, people hanging on your every move.
Well, I loved that.
For a moment.
One sweet, ecstatic moment of pure joy.
I just-- For one moment, I was just--
You were in the game.
Yeah.
- Come on. Come back and work for me. - What? No.
No, I'm not going backwards.
Come on, I'll advance you the money. You can work it off
and leave when you want.
Where's the downside here?
FUNK: So you like them? - Yes.
- They make you look very attractive. - Thank you.
You're very generous to accept.
Without recipients like you-- Well, just you.
--the Winston Funk Foundation would fail to keep its tax-exempt status.
- Mm. They give so much. - Mm.
It makes me wanna give something back.
- Yeah? Well, I-- Mm. - Mm.
No, it's just another street corner.
- No, thanks. - All right, at least let me cover the debt.
I wanna do something here to help.
Oh, God, will you please stop?
- Where are you going? - I don't know.
But you know what? I'm a smart and creative woman,
and I am sure there are millions of ways for me to raise that money on my own.
Sure you don't want any shoes? I got some brand new Jimmy Choos.
No, no, no.
I don't come to your work and sell my undergarments.
I expect the same courtesy of you.
I'll give you a free football phone.
Half hour more, but that's it.
Well, of course I wanted to do something nice for young Jason here.
I mean, I felt so bad after he tripped and he broke his arm.
- After you pushed me to the ground. - Oh, you.
Well, I mean, what really matters here, as Tony Dane's fiancée, is that
I was able to get a signed, autographed basketball
that I'd like to present to Jason now.
Thank you. You know, the basketball's great and everything,
but what I really wanna know is, will you go to my prom with me?
Oh, y--
I'd love to.
Sam! Sam, come look!
We have to get a new TV, because I'm keeping that picture on this one.
Ugh. That is so not fair.
It's my blood, who says I can only sell it twice a week?
Well, if it helps, I could sell some of my sports memorabilia.
I have a football phone worth a couple thousand dollars.
That's okay.
Don't even look for it.
- Please. - What are you gonna do?
Can't raise 50 grand selling your underwear.
Well, at least not without me in it.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
But it cannot involve my mother,
or being taken care of by some rich guy
who just wants to love me and be with me
and make everything so much easier.
Wait a minute.
Why don't I want that, again?
- Because that won't make you happy. - Really?
Because it sounds like it would.
- Sam, you're better than that. - Maybe not.
You know this. You go anywhere near this guy, you might as well stamp
"Property of Winston Funk" all over your forehead.
You'll be another acquisition.
- Wait, come here, come here. Just-- - What?
Look what this guy already owns.
- Where on the list do you think you go? - What are you doing on his website?
I had some microwave popcorn and the kernels didn't pop,
and on the bag it said, "Division of Funk Worldwide," so I e-mailed a complaint.
Look, whatever, just look. Dyotyne Electric?
LaBasoche Champagne?
- Mm-hm. - Parkington Brand?
No, no, wait. What was that? What was that?
Oh. Son of a bitch.@n
He owns that casino!
Seven out. Shooter loses.
Oh, come on, Bill.
- Let me sign for another 30. - Cut her off, Bill.
Yeah? Then you'll get cut off.
- That looks like a nine from here. - Nine pays!
It does, doesn't it? Thank you.
Oh, my God.
He's been playing me this entire time.
He lured us to that conference,
put $50,000 into my account, which I couldn't possibly have won,
so then, when I lose it all,
he can just show up and save the day.
Flattering. Gotta give him that.
And now you know you have to stay away from him.
Why?
I mean, if he wants me that badly, that just gives me leverage to get what I want.
Sam, you can't beat him.
You should know this by now. The house always wins.
Well, then there's only one thing left to do.
- Be the house. - Aah.
Well.
Look who's been sitting in my chair.
Well, I wanted to see how it blew smoke up your butt all day long,
but I can't seem to find the button.
Wait a minute, I know that outfit. If I remember, it has a tricky zipper.
Well, I decided to dress up for my job interview today.
- How am I doing? - I don't know.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Still beating you over the head with this stapler if you don't hire me.
So you want your old job back?
I don't want my old job back. I wanna run something.
Something philanthropic to match my new, more charitable reputation.
- I believe we'll find a position you like. - We always have.
[GROWLS]
Wow, you look beautiful.
Just go.
And I don't care how drunk I get, you do not get to touch my boobs.
Listen, in case we end up together,
I just wanna let you know that tricking you into this wasn't my idea.
Oh, yeah, then whose idea was it?
Andrea, oh, you look great!
Maybe they'll vote you queen.
- You. - Me.
Jason, you got my ball?
God, you guys look so grown up. Makes me wanna cry.
[PRETEND-SOBS THEN LAUGHS]
[MIMICS DENA'S LAUGH]
Some Scout. See if I ever buy your cookies.
Look, I'm sorry. She wanted the ball,
and I knew there was a chance you wouldn't go with me if I asked straight up.
You'd probably prefer the cool guys, like in the marching band.
There was a tuba player in the tenth grade.
He didn't know I was alive.
Your poll numbers came in low too, huh?
Turns out being a Scout
isn't exactly the chick magnet my rabbi said it would be.
What the hell? I look hot, let's go.
[SIGHS]
I'm not wearing that. No.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Look, this shouldn't take too long, so if you wanna get a bite afterwards,
Bloody Mary's in Bora-Bora has an amazing monkfish on Friday.
Mm. That sounds good. Let me just do this first, okay?
- Right. - Yeah.
- Ladies and gentlemen of the press. - Uh, uh-- No. Save it.
- That's sensitive. - I-- Oh, okay. I'm sorry.
Sorry about that.
- Do I--? Okay, okay. - Just about-- From, like, yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen of the business press,
I am Samantha Newly,
Vice President of the Winston Funk Foundation.
Today is a great day,
because although the foundation has fallen short
of its giving goals in recent years,
today, Mr. Funk is pledging
$30 million a year to various charities at my sole discretion.
I'm sure Mr. Funk and I will make fine partners,
because he told me personally, all he wants to do is help.
Now, Mr. Funk will answer all of your questions.
I'm gonna take a rain check on that lunch, because I'm gonna be awfully busy.
Okay.
Mr. Funk, excuse me, I was just curious--
SAM: You know, just because your life is already pretty far down one road,
doesn't mean you can't take a detour.
Hey, Mom!
I'm returning your arrow!
I can't have it at my place. I keep making a wrong turn at the kitchen.
- Guess what! - What?
I sold a house!
Oh. Whoa. Sorry, I didn't hear you. All I heard was "Chardonnay."
- What happened? - They told us at that seminar
that we had to find our motivation,
and my disappointment in you was the only motivation I needed,
so as long as you keep letting me down, there's gonna be no stopping me.
Don't worry if there's no sign to point the way.
Just trust your own compass and follow the arrow.
[UKULELE PLAYING]
The point is to take the wheel and drive.
Sometimes the side roads are where you find the best surprises.
Hey. You know, it's hard to play the ukulele without looking like a dork,
but you keep at it.
So you wanna go out on Saturday night?
Yes.
It's a game, right?
I mean, you can't win if you don't play.