SAM: There are people in the world who have no one in their life.
No one to come home to.
[ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH BUZZING]
No one to share their day with.
Those people are so lucky.
[SIGHS]
[TODD CLEARS THROAT]
[SIGHS]
[TODD SPEAKING CHINESE]
Learning Chinese. It is their century, you know,
and eventually, they will overflow their borders.
Crowded there, is it?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Hello, Mom? Dad?
[DOOR CLOSES]
Yes.
[SIGHS]
REGINA: Samantha? We saw your car. - Hey, Sammy. What are you doing here?
No, what are you doing here?
I thought today was the day you guys go look for junk at garage sales.
Well, it is, we came home early. I got some horrible news.
Yeah, she made me pass up a great box of doorknobs.
I could have had a spare for every door in the house.
So what was your horrible news?
You know that condo we have listed over on College Avenue?
Yeah?
- Well, there was a bidding war. - Yeah?
And we sold it.
You do know that it wasn't an actual war, right?
That was our only listing.
And it sold. Yay.
Hey, why don't you and Dad go and celebrate?
Samantha, you don't understand.
To get listings you have to have a listing.
Like it's easier to get a job when you're working
or to meet a man when you're dating somebody else.
Oh, listen to me, I'm talking to someone who doesn't have a job or a man.
Why don't we just put another ad in the paper?
Like, that picture of us with the cell phones.
It looked like an escort service.
We got calls.
Oh! I know.
What if we sell this house?
HOWARD: Whoa, nobody's selling this house.
I just washed all the window screens.
I don't mean really sell it.
It's just, I wanna have an open house so I can meet people that are looking.
You know, get new listings.
I do not like strangers in my house.
I don't even like people I like in my house.
I hear you.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Hello? TODD: Hey.
I found 5 bucks in the couch.
If I take 2 more out of your jeans, I can see a movie.
- So you won't be in the apartment? -Yeah.
- Wanna join me? - Oh, poo, no, I can't,
I'm having sort of a work crisis with my mom.
- So you have a good time. - Bye.
Good for you. Oh, I'm finally getting the support from you that I was--
SAM: See you.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
Oh, Todd. No.
[SPEAKS IN CHINESE]
Oh, hey. That means, "I'd like to send a fax."
- But who sends a fax anymore? - What happened to the movie?
Well, I decided I didn't wanna go alone.
It's not as fun doing things by myself, you know?
[YELLING] No, I don't know, Todd. How could I possibly know?
Okay, is something bothering you?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yes. Look, I never get to be here by myself
because you are always here.
Look, I know I'm around a lot lately. But right now I'm waiting to hear
about a staff photographer job at The Chicago Mirror.
Really? When are you gonna hear?
Tomorrow? This afternoon? By the time I finish this sentence?
It's down to two of us, we're both meeting tomorrow,
but I'm not holding my breath because the other guy is Wes Green.
- Wes Green? - Wes Green.
Yeah, he and I both started at a free local paper a few years back, but then
he got this picture of a mine-worker rescue
which earned him a Pulitzer Prize and his career took off.
I was supposed to get that assignment, but for some reason I never got the call.
I'm gonna go get us a cab. Don't forget to lock up.
- Did you put the vodka in the carry-on? - Yes, yes.
And smile, it's 78 degrees in Cancún.
Why do I have to have curly hair? Why?
[PHONE RINGS]
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
MAN: Todd, it's Chuck at the Chicago Voice.
I got you into that collapsed mine in Ohio, but you have to leave now. Call me.
Hmm. Cancún, Ohio.
MACHINE: Message deleted. - Olé.
Oh, my God. Did you ever find out what happened?
Well, what happened is, is now Wes is shooting magazine covers
and I'm renting your couch.
[CHUCKLES]
- By the way, this month's on me. - What?
And all I cared about was going to Mexico
and I completely ruined a guy's entire life.
You must feel awful. Ooh! How was Cancún?
Dena, sweetie, I never get to remember the good parts,
only the screwing-people-over parts.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Sorry.
- And Todd doesn't know what you did? - No.
I didn't tell him I dropped his sunglasses in the toilet, I'm not gonna tell him about this.
- Can I tell him? - No.
Man, I just-- I just wish I could undo this, you know?
Get him that job somehow.
Which I could, if Wes was out of the way.
- I need your help. - Hey, I am insulted.
Just because I am Italian does not mean I can get rid of somebody.
I mean, I can. I mean, I know someone. Who happens to be Italian.
No, no, sweetie, because you're a lawyer, and you can help me get his address.
So you can slash his tires.
No. No more bad.
I've already messed up someone's whole life. I mean, who does that?
Uh, my neighbor just called
and she said that there is a For Sale sign in my front yard
and an open house going on.
My mother does that, that's who.
Thanks for signing in. Here's my card.
Mrs. Newly, what's going on?
How did you get in my house?
Isn't that the great thing about living in a small town? No one locks their doors.
I do. Yeah. You can't sell my house.
Is that something I needed to say specifically at some point?
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not selling your house, I'm just making contacts.
I've already met four potential clients.
And a strange man sniffed your banister and then he left.
You let in Mr. Darcy? You-- This is not okay.
Hi. We love this house, and we'd like to make an offer.
Oh, no. No.
No. Uh-uh.
WOMAN: Hi. DENA: No. No, sorry. See you.
Nuh-uh.
Um, apparently, the house might not actually be available after all.
Okay, we don't want a big negotiation.
We'll give you 30,000 over the asking price.
I think you'll be very happy here.
Oh, that's him. That's Wes Green.
ANDREA: Ooh.
Ooh, ooh. Hot. Mm.
I gotta figure out what I'm gonna say to him.
I need some sort of plan.
I should have sex with him.
- How is that gonna help my plan? - What plan?
- What? - Oh, jeez, forget it.
Hey, Wes Green. Wes Green. Hi. Hi. Hi, I'm--
Hi, I'm Samantha Newly. I'm a friend of Todd Deepler's.
Oh, God, yeah.
- How is Todd? - He's good, he's good.
Look, you know that Pulitzer Prize you won?
- I do, yes. - That should have been his.
Okay. Um...
- Well, I'll just go get it then. - No, no, no, that's--
You can keep the thingamajigger. Just...
Look, please don't go on that interview today.
Let Todd get this job.
And why would I do that?
Look, Todd was supposed to have that coal-mine assignment,
but I didn't give him the message, so in a way, you might say
I kind of got you that Pulitzer Prize, so basically you owe me.
Oh, I-- First of all,
- thank you for the Pulitzer Prize. - Yeah, it's okay.
Although I don't recall you being in that mine shaft
choking on dust and death for two days, a mile underground.
Or placing the camera,
or getting enough lights down there to shoot, but not too much light,
so that people could feel the darkness those men live in down there.
Yeah, okay, we get it, you've got a camera.
So does everybody else. I have one on my phone.
If you don't mind, I'll keep the Prize
and my interview appointment, which is in 20 minutes,
so I gotta get ready. Say hi to Todd, okay? Ha, ha.
[SCOFFS]
Ow.
ANDREA: Use this.
- You carry that in your car? - You don't?
- No, I can't do this. I can't do this. - You've done it plenty.
Go through the side, where the belting's not in the way.
No, no. I was mad a minute ago, but it is just-- It's not right.
- So let's just go. - Yeah, no, you should go home.
Where, because of you, Todd is probably sitting there, jobless.
Just teaching himself the banjo.
[TIRE HISSES]
See? It's just like riding a bike, right?
I can't believe it. I got the job the great Wes Green was up for.
- This is amazing. - You're welcome.
- What? - You're welcome to happiness.
Go forth. Be happy. Welcome.
- Thanks. - See you.
I totally got him that job. Which we will file under "zip it," all right?
I just know there goes my Chinese study buddy.
You. Right there.
- Frank, don't go anywhere. - Don't worry.
[IN CHINESE]
Thank you.
What the hell, anyway?
- Is there a problem, sir? - Ask her.
Hey, I know you.
Dude, how the heck did you know where I lived?
I drove Todd once when we worked together.
But today I had to take the bus,
because someone slashed my tire to get her boyfriend a job.
She's all yours.
Frank, come on, tires?
Tires are really hard to slash.
Which I would not know about.
Okay, okay, okay. I am so sorry.
But you know, you're kind of getting a little flip-outty. A little--
Flippy-outty, a little flippity.
You're mad.
And I understand that, but you can get any job you want
and Todd really, really needed that job.
Did he?
Did he need it because his wife divorced him
and he has to show a judge that he's locally employed
or he'll lose custody of his kids?
I don't know.
Fine, fine. I have ruined your life too. I will fix this. I promise.
I'll talk to Todd and I will explain to your ex-wife exactly--
No. You go anywhere near my family and I will run you down in the street.
You'll need a pretty cooperative bus driver for that.
[LAUGHS]
Not funny.
Great. Now, to help Wes, I just have to ruin Todd's career again.
By the way, I'm happy, and I never want your help.
Dena, Dena.
- This is a very good offer. - I know.
It's 30,000 dollars over the asking price.
I know, heh. That's a lot of money.
In this market?
With people all over this country unable to sell their homes
it's like spitting in their faces.
You know, this was my mom's house. I've never lived anywhere else. Heh, heh.
Dena.
Do you know where your mother is right now?
- She's in here. - In a wall.
- I didn't mean literally. - A mausoleum--
Okay, no, the point is, she's not here in this house.
She's in heaven.
And your boyfriend's in the city,
and Samantha's in the city,
and that's where your future is, Dena.
Dena, I'm giving you the future.
Thank you.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
- Hey. - Hey.
- How was your first day? - Great.
Amazing. Sam, this job is everything I've always wanted.
Really? Even better than working at a camera store?
A camera store? No, no, this job is great.
My editor walked me through the stories I'm gonna be shooting.
Gangs on the north side, spring training with the Cubs,
maybe London 2012. Yeah.
Oh. "Maybe London 2012"?
I mean what, if you play your cards right or something?
Sure, if you wanna walk on eggshells for the next four years.
No wonder you're so stressed out.
- I'm not stressed out. - Calm down, man.
Breathe, chill.
Look, you beat out Wes Green for this job.
You can do so much better.
I-- I believe in you.
Wait, what's going on? You were so happy I got this job.
Okay, all right I'll say it.
Look, I-- I've seen your work and, uh, it's not that good.
- Incredible. - What?
You just have to keep me down, don't you?
No. No, no, that's not it.
Then what? Why do you want me to quit?
Because--
Because I--
I really started to miss you. You know, just--
It's really quiet around here.
Yeah, exactly. When I was laying around the apartment, you could handle that.
You know, I bet this is why I never got anywhere when we were together.
Well, I'm going somewhere now, you know.
I'm going out to dinner with my editor and publisher. Deal with it.
- Sam? - Huh?
[PANTING]
You know, that Martha Stewart is a wack-adoo
because this does not sharpen knives.
Nope, that doesn't.
You slashed Wes Green's tire?
No, I tried reasoning with him first.
And I wouldn't have even been able to slash the tire if Andrea didn't carry a knife.
You know what, hearing it now, I bear very little responsibility here.
So now I have to quit the job.
Thank you so much for understanding.
I mean, his life is in shambles, you know, he's getting divorced, his tire was slashed.
I mean because I don't deserve it.
Yes, you do deserve it.
And you will get the next one.
- No, he can have it, I'm done. - Done?
With photography? No. Why?
Because on the off chance you're not always there
to slash someone's tire for me, it's obvious I'll never have Wes' career.
Yeah, well, you know what, you would have if it wasn't for me.
- What? - Huh?
Thanks for doing my inspection, Mr. Newly.
Oh, not a problem. You know, those licensed guys are a racket.
Carnies with a clipboard. No, everything is fine under there,
but you've got a bluish stain on the sink.
Yeah. You know, that's just from my mom making a blueberry pie every Sunday.
The new owners can bleach it out.
What? No. Every time I go to rinse out a glass it makes me think of her.
You know what, I'm just gonna take that sink with me.
- Yeah. - Well, they might notice that eventually.
And here, this doorjamb, this has all the marks
from where my mom measured my height every single birthday.
And oh, this asterisk by my thirteenth
is because I wouldn't take off my Darth Vader helmet.
No, I'm-- I'm ripping that out, too. Yeah.
HOWARD: Uh-huh.
- And the front door? - Taking it.
Yeah, that's where Chase and I had our first kiss.
And oh, I'm gonna need the floor in front of the fireplace
because that's the first place, you know, we-- Never mind.
But I'm gonna need that. Yeah.
- Dena, are you sure you wanna sell? - Oh, yeah, sure.
You know-- I mean, I signed a contract, right? Everybody's counting on me.
- So I guess-- REGINA: Hi.
I just got off the phone with the new buyers.
They wanted to make sure that you were lea--
That you were leaving the Snoopy mailbox. Ha.
Like you were gonna take that with you.
[WHISPERS] I want that.
Regina, bad news.
- This sale ain't gonna happen. DENA & REGINA: What?
Yeah, I was just down in the basement. It's riddled with mold.
Mold? So? You hang up an air freshener.
Well, nobody's gonna buy a house with mold, Regina.
And now that you know, you have to disclose it.
Well, thanks so much for your help, Mr. Science.
You're not a professional and you cannot say anything against your wife in court.
Dena, Dena, I'm gonna get a bottle of wine and some painkillers,
and by tomorrow you're gonna forget that this conversation ever happened.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Wait, wait, wait. Don't blame Mr. Newly, it's me.
I'm happy here. I have a good life, you know?
I have a boyfriend and a best friend, and a free house with a yard for my dogs.
People work their whole lives to have what I already have,
I mean, I don't wanna leave. Ha, ha.
[SNICKERS]
Okay, we got mold.
I don't even have a basement.
Well, I'm not a professional.
- Thanks, Mr. Newly. - Don't mention it.
Oh, and your bedroom wiring is shot.
Oh. Tsk.
- Gotcha. - No, I mean it.
Fix it or one night you'll wake up on fire.
[DOOR OPENS]
A vacation? You screwed me out of a job for a vacation?
Okay, okay, okay, that's one scenario. Now just flip it around.
- I did you a favor. - Oh, really? How's that?
Say I did give you that message. And you had gotten that job.
I mean, maybe you would have gotten a Pulitzer Prize and ended up like Wes,
in a failed marriage, not allowed to see our kids.
Well, maybe I wouldn't have neglected our kids.
Yes, you would have, you'd be gone all the time.
What, and you're such a great mom?
- At least I went to their soccer games. - Wait, Sam.
And the homework, it's so hard.
- What are we talking about? - I don't know.
I'm just so ashamed. I'm--
I am so, so sorry that I ruined your life.
Well, I don't know if you ruined my life.
Yeah, it was kind of ruined. By me.
- It's not ruined. - Kind of is.
- It's not even that bad. - You didn't see Wes' car.
- Wasn't for me, you'd be driving that car. - Okay, stop.
- Can you drive a stick, though? - Sam, come on.
I know you think you pull all the strings, but you're not God.
You don't control the universe.
That's very sweet, Todd, but just not true.
Believe me, I would love to blame you for everything bad that's ever happened.
And not giving me that message, yeah, that was bad.
You know, but since then, I might have
made a few wrong moves on my own.
No, you said I always kept you down.
Well, I was mad.
The truth is, I've never been a big self-starter.
When we were together, you kind of kicked my ass into gear.
Really?
Which is maybe why since we've been apart,
I've kind of sputtered.
Oh.
Quit. Recommend Wes.
We'll find you something better.
Camera store?
Even better.
[SIGHS]
[DIALING]
SAM: Okay, so like I was saying, except the opposite,
it is a nice thing to have people in your life. Duh.
You just have to remember that they're in charge of their own destiny.
- Give me that. - And that you can't control them,
- no matter how much you want to. - Here we go.
No matter how much they really need you to take the wheel,
don't do it.
All you can do is give them a nudge in the right direction
and hope for the best.
The good news is, you'll have more time to focus on your own life,
to solve your own problems, big and small.
Like how to do a crossword puzzle when you have amnesia.
"I blank Lucy."
Who the hell's Lucy?