[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
SAM: They say you can't choose your family.
Well, that's probably best.
If you could, the return policy would have to be really strict.
Okay, what do you think?
Why don't you just get yourself a doll you can dress up?
Fine, put it back if you don't like it. I'll get it for you for Christmas.
- Thank you. - Yep.
Oh, my God.
Stop. What are you doing? I like it.
It hides the flaws in your bone structure.
Mother, I was looking for a foundation,
not trying to join the witness relocation program.
Can you just try not to control, like, every aspect of my being?
All right, I'm sorry. Excuse me for caring.
Let's go look for some of those cute plastic clogs.
- Regina? - Amy.
I wasn't sure if it was you.
Well, it is.
You still in Cortland?
- Still there.
REGINA: Mm-hm.
- You still in Walnut Valley?
- Well, goodbye. AMY: Bye.
Bye, Samantha.
Bye.
- Who was that? - That's my sister.
Oh, that's cute.
I have an aunt?
SAM: What do you mean you forgot?
It happens. You've forgotten way more than I have.
Okay, you know what?
I let it go when you forgot that I was allergic to walnuts.
Because you know what? It was nice to see everybody at the hospital again.
But you did not forget to tell me you had a sister.
Because you're better off not knowing her.
Mom, listen.
For the last year and a half I've been trying to put together this puzzle of who I am.
And, you know, an aunt is a pretty big piece.
When you were 2 years old, you ate a piece of my puzzle.
Victoria Falls.
But I knew what Victoria Falls looked like
because there was a picture of it on the box. I'm your box.
Mom, this is my family.
Why do you not want me to know my family?
The same reason I don't want you to have a gun.
You might hurt yourself.
- Okay, but-- - You are not seeing her again.
The subject is closed.
This was a fun day, we should have started earlier.
- Kisses. - Yeah, but, Mom--
- I said "kisses." - Okay.
See you. I'm just gonna go back to the city.
Aunt Amy.
Hi.
[WOMEN SHOUTING, LAUGHING]
Mm, mm.
I'm winning.
I'm catching up.
Wow, who ordered the sea monster?
This is a deep-sea delicacy I first had in Tokyo.
It's never on the menu, but I always ask for it.
It honors the chef's skills at removing the poison sac.
[ALL GAGGING]
I don't know if it's the best month,
but I'm gonna find out if they have live starfish. Mm.
- Oh-- - Oh, you don't have to do that.
To our new mom.
I know, I know. Isn't she fantastic?
She lived in Tokyo.
The one in Japan.
It's like she's the mom that I'm supposed to have, you know?
And then there was just some crazy mix-up at the hospital
and I ended up with Regina.
Who's very nice, by the way, and I hope we keep in touch.
So how are you going to tell your first mom about this?
Well, I am an adult, and I'm gonna do what adults do,
and I am going to keep it a secret.
So please join me in pushing down my fear.
No, I'm going to see another one of Tony's games tomorrow
and I don't wanna be puffy.
He doesn't care what you look like, he's gay.
- He's so gay. - Yes, but I may be on the JumboTron.
Oh, the JumboTron.
What is that, like, a robot, like, elephant or something?
No, it's the big screen.
And my seat is like three feet away from the court.
I don't even have to bring my own wine.
In fact, they told me to stop.
Hey, we should watch.
I've never seen somebody I know on national TV.
Except for my high school boyfriend on the news,
after the police dug up his yard.
[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]
[LAUGHING]
ANNOUNCER [OVER TV]: Chicago is down over 20 points
and that foul was called on Dane.
- Sorry Sam's late. - That's okay.
Dane sits down with his fourth foul.
That's two games in a row he just can't get it going.
Oh, God, there's Andrea.
Oh, Sam's missing it.
MAN: Go home! CROWD: Boo!
And those boos you're hearing are for Tony Dane's girlfriend,
Andrea Belladonna.
Guess the crowd's decided she's a jinx on Dane.@n
CROWD: We don't want Belladonna! - Why doesn't she leave?
She's got her outfits planned out for the whole season. She's not going anywhere.
So even if they keep losing,
she'll keep going to the games just to get on TV?
Yeah.
- Oh, boy. Who are you calling? - A bookie.
Oh! Oh.
I love how you decorated.
- Did you do this all by yourself? - I don't know, actually.
For all I know, I killed the previous owner and just moved right in.
See, this is nice.
This is an early Kerbesteen.
He was a Dutch potter who settled in Pennsylvania.
I collect these myself.
Really? Take it. Please.
What? No, Sam, that's not why I was--
Amy, seriously, I have no connection to anything in this house, so...
Well, except for this little African masky thing I named Dave.
Can't have Dave.
Thank you.
I should have complimented you on your flat-screen TV.
[LAUGHS] Right.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Ms. Newly, you requested I alert you if your mother enters the building.
Yeah, Frank, I was there when I told you.
Oh, she's here.
Can you just--? Can you stall her for just a second?
Okay. Thank you.
- My mom's here. Stairs. - Oh, God.
Regina, to see The Great Escape on a dinner cruise
is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
- If we're late, it-- - Samantha has not answered her phone.
What if she's been taken hostage?
What if Todd finally snapped?
Sorry, folks, the elevator's been acting up.
The only way to keep it from getting stuck is to stop at every floor.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[GASPS]
Mom. And Dad.
What a delightful surprise.
You haven't returned my calls all day.
Oh, right. Yeah, I was at the park
and this darn squirrel took off with my cell phone.
Well, what kind of squirrel?
[REGINA SNIFFING]
- I smell perfume. - Oh, that?
That's Todd's cologne.
He bathes in that stuff.
- It's just awful. - It's Amy's.
Todd is seeing Amy?
All right, that's not okay, because he knows how I feel about her.
She's been here.
You've been seeing her behind my back, I knew it.
You did not.
So, do you wear the clothes I bought you when you go out with her?
Mom, please don't be ridiculous, okay?
Amy is fun, she's cool.
You know what?
I'm sorry you're threatened by her.
But I'm not gonna stop seeing her.
She lets me be who I am.
- Where's the bowl? - What bowl?
- The bowl? - The bowl.
Oh, no. No, Regina, not the bowl again.
Look, I'm gonna be in the car.
The movie boat leaves in 15 minutes.
The bowl that my mother passed down to me that I passed down to you.
Well, Amy complimented it and I just--
- You gave it to her? - Yeah.
She's always wanted that bowl.
She only became friends with you so she could get the bowl.
Yeah, right.
And Dena's only friends with me because, oh, she wants this clock.
I warned you, but you wouldn't listen, so now we've lost a family heirloom.
Well, technically, it's still in the family.
I thought I was your family.
- Oh. - I guess not.
[SIGHS]
I will get the bowl back, okay?
You know what? You're wrong about this.
Amy didn't know about the bowl.
Oh, Samantha. Would you bring the rolls to the table, please?
SAM: Yep.
Well, I hope everyone likes the stuffing, I tried a different recipe this year.
I added a--
The bowl.
You told me it was broken.
I was tired of you rummaging through my house looking for it all the time.
Well, I wouldn't have to rummage if your house wasn't such a wreck.
Oh, well, maybe I like to expend my energy taking care of my family.
Oh, there we go again.
- You've got a family, I don't. - What?
When are you gonna stop rubbing it in my face?
Let go. You are so immature.
I'm gonna rub your face in that turkey.
Why would you do this?
I'm meeting someone after dinner.
- You are gross. - You don't use it, anyway!
- What? - And it looks like dinner's over, so...
REGINA: Mother gave it to me in the first place!
AMY: God!
Oh, God.
I don't wanna hear it, Dave.
I had two moms, now I have none.
I'm an orphan, which is not bad.
Then you and I, we can go out,
we can find other orphans and create a supportive, ragtag family.
Just call your mother and make up.
She'll make you suffer for a while and then it'll be over.
Like a slumber party.
You know what? You're right.
I'm gonna call her and apologize.
Yeah, just tell her she's right.
No, that is not an option.
If she knows that she was right
then she is gonna be even more up in my business.
Well, maybe if she got her bowl back that would fix it,
but there's no way that Amy's gonna give it up.
Mm-mm.
God, it's tough. It's a tough one.
What to do? What to do?
Dena!
- Oh! Popcorn? - The bowl!
Well, okay, somebody's hungry.
No. This is the bowl.
- What? - Yeah, where did you get it?
- Potteryville. Nine bucks. - I need it.
My mom gets a bowl, Amy gets a bowl,
everyone goes back to hating Amy, and order is restored.
Plus, if I pull this off,
my mother never has to know she was right.
I have change, if all's you've got's a 10.
- Really? - Yes.
Tony can't miss a shot tonight.
Why did I bet 300 on a jinx?
You?
I bet a thousand.
- What? - I have a history of gambling.
I'm numb to the thrill of betting a few hundred.
You've destroyed me.
What's the score?
Andrea? Oh, no, no, no. Why aren't you at the game?
Because I wanna show everyone that I am not a jinx.
- Tony's just having a little cold streak. - Not anymore, he's not.
He scored 20 in the first quarter and just bounced one in off the referee's head.
And I'm not there? Now they're gonna be sure I'm a jinx.
[GRUNTS]
Watch me save your thousand bucks.
Actually, it's 2,000.
Lying is also part of the addiction.
Look, Andrea, Tony can't miss tonight.
Go. Get there while he's hot and all the credit will go to you.
Yes. Shoot.
- I want to, but I can't. - Why not?
I've already worn these shoes to a game.
Go by the house, pick out another pair.
It's so crazy it just might work.
Yeah. Yeah.
You're gonna get your 2,000 back.
It was actually 5,000.
But making you believe it was 2,000 was exhilarating.
Oh.
Mom.
I brought you something.
[WHISPERS] Voilà.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I got it back from Amy.
She just gave it back?
Yeah, I-- No, I mean, when she remembered
that this was the bowl that you guys used to fight over,
she was horrified
that it came between me and my mother.
Hmm.
Guess I owe you an apology.
No, no, please.
Let's not dwell on how wrong you were.
You have the bowl
and the less we speak of it to anyone, the better.
That's the bowl. That's the real one.
- Howard, I got the bowl back! - Yeah.
Oh!
The bowl. Oh, Sammy, no.
You didn't bring this bowl back into our house.
- Daddy, it's okay, it's over. - No.
We don't have to talk about it anym--
[PANTING]
What are you doing?
I'm going to my happy place.
Where I go whenever your mother's family comes up.
Your happy place?
It's a lumber mill in Oregon.
I run it. I got 20 employees.
Occasionally we'll do a run of four-by-fours and two-by-sixes.
But really, two-by-fours are our bread and butter, yeah.
Oh. That sounds nice.
Can I work for you sometime?
Oh, sure.
You know, I've thought about it.
Amy really has been the bigger person in all this.
If she thinks she can show me up by returning this bowl,
just watch me return it right back in her face.
[DOOR OPENS]
Okay.
See you later, Mom.
What? No!
No, no, no, wait, no.
Oh, Mom.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
I completely forgot to tell you, Amy left for Canada.
I was gonna call you about it, but that squirrel still has my phone.
So let's--
AMY: Well, we meet again.
Hey, I just wanted to welcome you back from Canada.
So, see you. Let's go.
Can I have a minute?
Oh, God.
Well, I just thought I'd drop by to tell you how kind it was of you
to give back mother's bowl.
But I believe I'm an even kinder person because I'm giving it back to you.
Well, that was very kind, but I already have mother's bowl.
The one your daughter's sneaking out with.
Mom, I'm pregnant.
You were right. Boys are only after one thing.
Samantha.
Samantha, you gave me a fake?
So?
Look, they're completely identical. Look at this. Look.
You know what? I switch them up, everybody gets a bowl.
I dare you to tell them apart.
- That one. - That one. No, that's mine.
- I changed my mind! - Enough!
Now, stop it! Stop it, give me that.
You are fighting to the death for a nine-dollar bowl.
God, how did the women in this family get so screwed up?
WOMAN: What's all this noise?
It sounds like you're trying to wake the dead.
Mother, go back upstairs. I can handle it.
I have a grandmother?
TODD: Oh, yes!
Tony totally tanked.
That's 300 for me and 5,000 for you.
Hey, you know what? Let's go to Vegas.
- Right now. - Nope.
I'm gonna buy my daughter a tree house and locate a good rehab facility.
But you have fun.
What?
Tony, there is no such thing as a jinx.
You wanna know what I think?
I confuse you.
You see me up in the stands and you say:
"Oh, she's hot. I think I want her.
Maybe I'm not as gay as I thought I was."
Well, here's what I think.
You're the only one who knows I'm gay.
So when I look and see you,
I see someone that could take everything away from me with one phone call.
And that's why I can't play when you're around.
Well, that's very different than what I thought.
Wait, wait, wait. Tony, Tony, wait, wait.
This is me.
Sixth grade.
[CHUCKLES]
That is a lot of facial hair.
Girls in gym threw chew toys at me.
Took years of painful electrolysis
to become the stone fox you see before you.
- Why do you keep this? - Whenever I see someone less fortunate,
I pull it out and I look at it and I realize that I used to be less fortunate.
And then I don't have to feel sorry for them.
Look, no one knows about this.
So you can keep it.
I trust you.
Just like you can trust me.
I'm just asking, you think you can grow this back?
Two to three days.
I have a grandmother.
How long have you known about her?
Oh, I haven't seen you since you got yourself run over.
I guess your mother's ashamed of me.
I invited you to see her when she was in the coma.
Yeah, that sounded like a lot of laughs.
Hi, Nana.
I mean, I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm supposed to call you.
Granny or Noo-noo?
But, hi. Oh.
Hey, hey, hey, back off, jumbo.
I got brittle bones.
Mom, Regina's trying to take my bowl.
- Tell her she can't do it. - I just gave it to you.
I brought it back!
You tell her you gave it to me first.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I just came down here to get my cigarettes.
LORETTA: Well, Regina, another flavorless meal.
Thank God I brought my own food.
Well, here, Mom, I'll wash out your bowl so you can take it home.
Oh, no, you can have it.
Someone from church left it at my house.
I don't need any more crap around, it's your problem now.
Look what Mom gave me.
What?
Mother!
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, I remembered.
It's not about the bowl.
This bowl doesn't mean anything. It's never meant anything.
The only reason that Amy wants it is because she gave it to you.
That's because she got everything.
What are you talking about? You got everything.
- You were the special little baby. - Are you kidding?
Regina the queen-a.
REGINA: Where does that come from? AMY: Dad loved you--
- Stop. - Stop it.
I loved you both the same.
I may have only had enough love for one daughter,
but you each got half, so what's the big deal?
Well, it kind of is a big deal.
Maybe if they had gotten more love from you,
they wouldn't be fighting over this stupid bowl.
Oh, look, they might have only had half a mother,
but at least they had two daddies.
- What? - What?
Our daddy was my daddy, I know that.
Maybe. I'm just saying, by then there was another rooster in the henhouse.
Oh, Lord, mother. Okay.
- Maybe we should stop this conversation. - No, no, no.
Do a DNA test if you want.
You can dig up your daddy, heh-heh,
but I scattered your uncle's ashes at the fairgrounds.
- What? - Uncle Jack?
No. Uncle Jack was a half-wit.
Luther.
Jack never got past third base.
- Luther? - Oh, God, Luther.
- Luther was in a wheelchair! AMY: Don't say Luther.
Please stop with the yelling again.
Why didn't you ever let me visit him in prison?
Okay, I said stop!
Oh, I'm not cleaning up that mess.
- My bowl. - My bowl.
You had no right to do that.
Yes, I did. It was passed down to me.
Oh, God, with all this poison and this hatred, I don't even want it.
You know, I don't need a bowl to know that my mother loves me.
I know my mother loves me.
Because all she was ever trying to do is just protect me from the two of you.
Oh, Samantha.
WOMAN: What's all that noise down there?
You stay out of this, mother,
or I'll come up there and unplug you again.
Let's go.
You really don't wanna meet this one.
Jeez.
[EXHALES]
Okay, I don't like that family. Is there another family we can have?
No, this is good. Now you can start from scratch.
Hey, are you gonna be okay to drive?
Yeah, I'm fine.
- I left my purse in there. - Oh, no.
I'm trying to decide if it's worth it going back in.
God, those people.
I just should have listened to you.
I was like that pretty girl in a horror movie,
who you keep yelling at the screen, "Don't go back in the house!"
And she always goes back in the house.
Well, I guess she has to find out for herself.
And you would be pretty if you'd keep your hair out of your face.
Thank you for my fresh start, Mom.
You're welcome.
Oh, here.
[REGINA SNIFFLES]
Where did you get this?
You didn't really think I was gonna give my sister the real one, did you?
I swung by a store. They're 9 bucks.
Yeah, but it's not the real bowl.
Well, it is now.
So, from mother to daughter, you pass it down.
And you can tell her the story of the bowl.
And that her grandmother was right.
Yes, of course.
[SAM SNIFFLES]
I love you, Mom.
SAM: Okay, so no family is perfect.
I thought I found a documentary on one,
but it turned out to be a sitcom from the '70s.
The point is, you can't choose your family.
You're stuck with them, good and bad.
But that's okay,
because maybe the bad relatives are there
to help you appreciate the good ones.
The ones who have been looking out for you all along.
Oh, I've got a bowl just like that one.
Nuh-uh, Frank.
Not like this one.