SAM: We have so many ways to send a message to somebody.
To make a connection.
In the old days, you had to put a bottle in the ocean,
or train a pigeon, or set something on fire.
God, it used to be so easy.
SAM: Todd? Todd?
Okay, now where did you go?
[SIGHS]
Sorry. I had to get my tea.
You've been in London for two weeks. You drink tea?
They go well with my biscuits. Oh, check it out, check it out.
The magazine got me business cards today. Can you see?
Can you see that? Todd Deepler, Photo Editor.
This is weird.
I mean,
I think I took for granted you being here.
And, you know,
we didn't really define who we are or whatever before you went.
But I miss you.
Can I say that? Is that okay?
Todd.
- And look at this hat. Look at that. - Wow.
Huh? Right, guvnor. Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, it's great.
Hey, uh-uh, who's that?
That's Mickey, my roommate.
She's great. She's been showing me around.
And she can totally drink me underneath the table.
MICKEY [IN BRITISH ACCENT]: Shut up. - You shut up.
You didn't-- You never told me Mickey was a girl.
So? So you were my roommate and you were a girl.
And we started dating.
MICKEY: Sam's a girl? - Yes, I am.
TODD: Sam, can we say good night?
I'm six hours ahead and I'm pretty knackered.
Knackered?
Two weeks.
- It's two... TODD: Good night, Sam.
I mean, every time I talk to Todd, I feel like I'm in his past.
Which I sort of am. I mean, he's six hours ahead.
- Samantha. Forget Todd. - What?
Todd is gone.
You should be enjoying your life.
I mean, look at me.
I'm enjoying your life. More wine, please.
You know, you should be enjoying your own life, Mother, with Dad.
I cannot believe that you let him go on that RV trip by himself.
I am going to join up with him tomorrow.
I have lots of work to do.
But tonight I could be your wingman.
Billionaire at 9 o'clock.
SAM: And he will be one at 10 o'clock.
And I am still not interested.
Samantha, you listen to me.
When you lose your dog,
the best thing you can do is get a new dog.
And that one has pedigree.
So get over there and sniff his butt. Ha!
- Less wine, please. - Yes, ma'am.
Ladies.
- Regina? - Winston.
Oh, I love coming into the city, with its customs.
May I steal your daughter for a moment, please?
Oh, it's not stealing if I give her away.
It is if you put little quiches in your purse. Not as slick as you think.
Give me this. There you go.
Thank you.
[SNIFFS]
And of course, you're good at this too.
Well, my parents wouldn't let me play football.
- Hmm. - Besides, you're the one
making me look good.
This whole night is because of your work.
When I grow up I wanna be you.
What do you say, Sam?
Have dinner with me.
You used to love me once before.
That was not love. That was an affair.
We were sneaking around behind your wife's back.
- My ex-wife's back. - Whatever, your ex-wife's back.
- No, my ex-wife is back. - Huh?
MAN: Can we get a couple shots?
Jeez, oh, my God.
You left her for me? Are you crazy?
What is she doing here?
She never knew anything about us.
As far as she's concerned, you're the head of my foundation.
- Gigi. - Winston, hello. It's good to see you.
You look like a million bucks.
Four hundred million actually.
My lawyer was better than yours.
You know Samantha Newly? Samantha Newly.
- Yes, Mr. Funk? - The head of our foundation.
- Hi. - Oh, it's nice to meet you.
Winston, run and grab us a glass of champagne
so we can make a toast to everything that this woman has done.
- Hmm. - Of course.
I'll be right back.
Going now.
Your dress is so pretty.
Yours too, you home-wrecking whore.
Thanks, I got it on sale.
Okay, before you attack me or anything like that,
I want you to know
that there are a lot of plain-clothes officers in this room.
And I may or may not be one of them.
You do realize you ruined my life?
Really?
Gosh, I'd think that having $400 million would make everything--
Okay, I'm sorry.
Look, you need to understand something.
That person who broke up your marriage is not me.
I read the e-mails.
I saw the romantic things that he wrote
to his emerald-eyed beauty with the sunshine hair.
Okay, well, there are certain resemblances, yes.
But what I'm saying is that that me was hit by a car and got amnesia.
Seriously, I don't remember anything from before that day.
And I am nothing like that person at all.
And what, you're not with him anymore?
No. Not even a little bit.
If I could take it back, I would.
- Oh, damn it. - What?
Well, you're nice, that's what.
But I spent an entire year working up to this.
I even learned to like martinis so I could throw one in your face.
You still can.
Here, go, go, go.
Hey, I'm stealing your husband.
You better stop me.
No, all the fun's out of it.
Samantha, after I read those e-mails, I was so angry.
I spent an entire year at an ashram breathing in forgiveness
and sleeping on a cot made of hemp.
Which got pretty tiny
because I had to smoke a little of it every night to get to sleep.
I was. I was such a mess.
No. Oh, come on, no, no, no. Don't cry-- Look.
Look, look, listen to me.
If there is anything,
anything at all that I can do to make it up to you,
- anything. - Help me get back together with him.
Well, I was thinking, like, a ride to the airport,
something like that, but yeah, sure. Okay.
CHASE: Okay, calendar up.
I am blacked out on the 10th, the 14th, and the 20th.
Oh, but two Saturdays from now,
I got us tickets on the murder-mystery train.
Oh, I can't. It's Andrea's wedding.
I don't have that.
Fine, tell her that she has to pay me back for the tickets.
Oh, no. Sorry, I--
I don't get a plus one.
I'm not a plus one.
We're in a committed relationship.
Yes, we are.
Unless I meet someone off my free-pass list, of course.
Considering most of them are characters from The Lord of the Rings,
I think you're pretty safe.
Tell Andrea we're coming.
I can't. I mean, Andrea thinks that couples
shouldn't be invited unless they're married.
All right, fine. You know, if it's just about being married, Dena,
then why don't we just get married?
Was that supposed to be a proposal?
I don't know. It can be. You want it to be?
Bottom line it for me. What do you want?
If we do it by October, we can file jointly.
- How much do you make? - Nice.
- Very romantic. - What?
Chase Chapman, you could learn a thing or two
from Aragorn, the rightful King of Gondor,
about how to treat a lady.
You keep this up and you'll be my minus one.
You're--?
Andrea?
- Are you okay? - I'm good, I'm not hungry.
What?
Wait.
This isn't my office.
Okay, are you still not eating?
I have to be crazy thin for this wedding.
Women I have hated my entire life
are coming from around the world to be jealous of me.
They're not leaving until they're in tears.
Yes, but you can't not eat for two weeks.
I'm fine.
I licked two stamps before I came in.
Okay, that is not what I-- And she's down.
[SIGHS]
Tyler, can you please come in here and wheel Ms. Belladonna into her office?
Oh, and you know what? Will you call Mr. Funk and tell him
- that I will have dinner with him tonight? - I'm sorry?
It's not a date.
I am setting him up with his ex-wife.
Awesome.
I'm still in the game.
You know what? I'm just gonna e-mail him myself, okay?
[SIGHS]
"Samantha,
no words, no music, no sigh can give voice to this feeling.
I am silenced by your beauty."
FUNK: There's nowhere I'd rather be than beside you.
Waiting for the moment your eyes open and give light to my day.
The world says I'm a wealthy man but I'm always poor when you say goodbye.
This slope I'm on is too slippery.
And I can't climb back up so I just let go and fall into you.
TODD: Hey, Sam.
I saw that you were online. Are you good? What's going on?
Nothing, I, um--
I, uh--
Wait, Sam.
Sam, the picture froze again.
Sam?
So when I rented it out for the two of us, I thought it would be romantic.
And it's not.
No, it-- It--
It just sort of seems like the place is going out of business, that's all.
Thank you.
[SIGHS]
Thanks.
So...
- ...I wanna talk to you about Gigi. - Okay.
- Champagne? - No, thank you.
I won't even be here that long.
- Oh. Thanks. - Thank you.
Grilled cheese.
That's the first meal we ever ate together.
I'm sorry, you were saying?
Yeah.
Gigi. Okay.
I think
that you need to get back together with her.
Sam,
I don't want Gigi.
I want you.
Well, I tried.
- Oh! - Aah! Aah. Aah.
Samantha, turn off the light.
What are you doing in my bed?
I was clubbing and I experienced a temporary forgetting of my address.
Mom, are you actually going to meet Dad in the RV
or is he, like, resting in the basement or something?
I am meeting up with him tomorrow.
And what are you doing coming home so late?
Well, you'll be happy to know,
I went out with Funk and I kissed him.
Which is the exact opposite of what I wanted to do.
And now I don't-- I don't know how I feel about it because--
Well, I mean, partly because of Todd, but, you know, Todd's not here.
But because of Gigi.
And she wants to be with him. So she's not gonna like this at all.
Maybe she'll be okay with it, I don't know. She's all kind of like forgive-y now. I--
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Oh, get that, I can't get up.
It's like I'm looking through the eyes of a bee.
Hello, Samantha.
Gigi.
You know where I live.
That's cool.
Your assistant told me you had dinner with Winston.
I was wondering if you might have talked to him about me.
Yeah, funny thing.
We did.
Gigi, look,
you know how you were talking about your ashram,
- with the forgiveness? - Well, what did he say?
I mean, I had to know. I don't even have a car here.
And I'm so excited, I had someone run me over.
Oh.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Oh.
He said he likes you.
So go get him, killer.
- Oh! - Oh! Oh.
[SOFTLY] Okay.
Why? Why did I kiss Funk?
I should not get involved.
You know, now I'm just the other woman. Again.
Don't worry. I've got your back.
- Uh-oh. - Oh.
More flowers from Mr. Funk.
Get those out of here, man. What are you trying to do, get me killed?
She found out that Funk's ex-wife was the one that ran her over.
Mr. Engle in 4C will be disappointed.
In the tenant pool, he had disgruntled classmate.
Most of the others had me.
Is there any chance that I've mastered, like, a deadly martial art
that will come back to me when I need it most?
Oh, God.
No.
Maybe she's not dangerous anymore.
She's been at an ashram.
You know what? You're right.
She just spent the last year trying to get peaceful.
That's one explanation.
Okay, what?
Often, the original purpose of a pilgrimage to ashram was not for tranquility
but for cleansing
and instruction in the art of war.
Particularly in the use of enchanted weapons.
Well.
Let's see if they're any match for these magic scissors.
Uh-uh, uh-uh. No, no. This does not constitute a tip.
[GASPS]
Oh, I wasn't expecting to run into-- To see you today.
He's not returning my calls.
- Who isn't? - Winston.
You said that he wanted to get together
- but he's not calling me back. - Oh.
You don't mind if I just cut some stuff while we're talking?
They just happen to be the best and sharpest scissors I've ever owned.
- Fine. - What--?
- Do you think he's seeing someone else? - Hmm.
Yeah, that's not what I wanted to cut.
- If he is, Samantha-- - Hands where I can see them!
Just-- I mean, just because I love those nails.
Flowers, from that Funk guy.
For you.
No, they're--
Okay, you can go now, Tyler. Just don't speak.
Go, go. Just go.
Here's the card. "I can't wait to kiss you again.
I'm waiting for you at Chez Monique."
- Oh. - Oh, my God, Sam. Thank you.
Yeah. Don't go.
- No? - No, God, no.
Well, you want to play the game.
Right? I mean, I would say wait, you know, at least a year.
You know, maybe go meet someone.
Maybe have some kids, move to Canada.
That will drive him crazy.
- I'll call you. - Oh, I can't wait.
Drive slowly. Don't hit anyone.
Tyler, I need you-- No, of course.
Oh, come on, Funk. Pick up, pick up, pick up.
Do not go to voicemail. Do not go to voicemail. Do not go to voicemail.
Hey, hey, it's me. Listen.
When you get this message, get out of the restaurant immediately.
All right? Delete this message.
Do not call me back.
Do not e-mail me.
We need to cool it until Gigi is out of the picture, all right?
[THUD]
[GASPS]
[GROANS]
Which might be sooner than I thought.
Oh.
Hi there, sleepyhead.
It's your cousin, Cindy.
Sam, I don't have amnesia.
Well, it was worth a shot.
Look, Gigi, I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
I understand.
You still want him.
And now that I'm with Winston, it's eating you alive.
- What? - Now your darker side has taken over.
My darker side?
Are you kidding me, lady?
Shh.
Thank you, Lauren. That was fun.
And how is the patient?
The patient is fine.
The visitor can't seem to handle that you're in love with me.
In love with you?
Yeah, you know,
the flowers
and the note.
The lunch.
I can see you winking.
Okay, you know, I think I'm blocking an ambulance.
- She tried to kill me! - She tried to kill me first!
- She put me in a coma. - Ha! So you don't have amnesia.
Yes, I do. But I remember things sometimes
when I'm really, really stressed out. Just like now.
I just remembered I can juggle.
And I remembered that you ran me over with your car first.
All right, I know I only have an honorary law degree,
but none of that sounds okay.
You know what? I'm not gonna live in fear, looking over my shoulder.
Because you know what, lady? You and I, we're even.
Because that girl that you were trying to kill,
you killed her. She's dead.
- In Rhode Island? - Um...
No. Me.
And another thing.
I'm not the other woman anymore.
Because he wants to be with me,
which makes me the woman and you the other woman.
Which technically gives me every right to run you over.
Yeah, all right, you know, that's not exactly--
But she has a point, Gigi, okay?
You gotta start living your life and stop waiting for things
- that are just not gonna happen. SAM: Yeah.
Not gonna happen.
You're right.
You are.
Sam,
letting it go.
White light in.
Black smoke out.
God, I want a cigarette.
Thanks. Sam.
Oh, and Sam.
Yes.
That's the last time you should ever turn your back on me.
- Do you wanna go to dinner tonight? - Can't.
- I'm brushing the dog's teeth. - You know what?
You have really painted me into a corner here, so I'm just gonna...
What are you doing?
Calendar up. October 10th.
Church, preacher, let's pull the trigger on this one.
- What are you doing? Get up! - No, no, no.
It's not romantic. I was gonna do it at night.
You don't get it, you're not proposing wrong.
I don't wanna get married.
I...
...get it.
No problem.
No, no.
That's not what I mean, I...
It's not that I don't wanna get married,
I do.
I'm just afraid that marriage
can't live up to the way I've always pictured it.
It's the same reason that every Christmas, I leave one package unopened.
You know, when it's still wrapped and under the tree, it can be anything.
You know, it--
The fantasy of what it could be is always better than,
you know, opening it up to find socks.
For the record,
DVD player, a bicycle,
those are really great gifts.
But just remember,
if you ever get cold,
you're gonna want that pair of socks.
- Thanks for being patient. - Yeah, sure.
I just need to marry someone in October because I don't know how to delete this.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
SAM: They say opposites attract.
I wish it were that simple.
Dena gave me these Scottie-dog magnets.
Aligned correctly, they come together.
Pointed the wrong way, no matter how hard they try--
I know, Howard. I'm sorry.
I know, just one more day.
I am absolutely swamped with work.
REGINA: Okay. I love you too.
SAM: --they push farther and farther apart.
That's what everyone's trying to do, isn't it?
Find that Scottie dog and come together.
Click.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- You ready? - Yeah.
I think I am.
Let me just get my coat.
TODD [OVER COMPUTER]: Sam? Hello?
Sorry I'm late. I got hung up.
Did I catch you in your knickers?
Hello?
Are we being cheeky then?
Come around the corner, love.
Sam, are you there?
[DOOR CLOSES]
Am I too late?