[MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
SAMANTHA: I guess a lot of girls have this princess fantasy.
Living in luxury, totally pampered.
I'm trying to understand it.
In fact, I'm trying really hard.
There's no plastic wrap on the glasses
and no paper on the toilet seat.
Rich people don't care what they catch.
I know, I'd better get used to this.
After I'm married tomorrow,
I'll have to learn to become self-indulgent and demanding.
I'm tired of this song now, change the CD.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Andrea, stop. I can change the CD myself.
If someone can carry me over there. Could you?
You have to learn not to do things for yourself
once you and Winston Funk are a power couple.
A power couple? We just started seeing each other.
I was actually thinking of not bringing him to the wedding.
You have to bring him. I need famous people there.
Matthew McConaughey? He just dropped out
because I told him he had to wear a shirt.
But that's the thing.
The wedding's gonna be on the news and TV,
and if I bring Funk, people will see.
People far away.
- People in London. - Like Todd?
No, I was actually thinking Prince Harry might be upset.
Yes, Todd.
Todd is not gonna be happy about this at all.
Oh, you had no choice.
Todd is in London, Funk is here.
Here versus there, here is always better.
Not if you're talking about a bear.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Oh! Hi. - I thought you'd want Mr. Snowball.
Chase, I was gonna try to go one night without-- Thank you.
You have to go, we're about to start the bachelorette games.
Really? Like pillow fights? A little bath play?
Yeah. Yeah, you just missed the tickle party.
Really? No, you're joking, right?
- Are you? - Yes.
I wanna play How Well Do You Know the Bride.
You know, I figure between Sam's amnesia
and Andrea's blackouts, I'm a lock.
Wait, what? Amnesia? What do you mean "amnesia"?
I told you that, right?
When Sam said she was in rehab,
but she'd really been in a car accident and lost her memory?
No? Did I not tell you that?
She worked for me for an entire year, she was our best performer,
and she had no idea what she was doing?
- Amnesia? - Oh--
Oh, n-- Tickle party! Whoo!
Lord, Howard.
You were only on the road for nine days.
- How'd you make such a mess? - I was exploring America.
You think Lewis and Clark tidied up?
What are these?
Almonds.
Those are my almonds.
"Lightly salted"?
Since when do you lightly salt anything?
Okay. I picked up a hitchhiker.
Oh, my God, a hitchhiker? Howard.
I knew you were gonna react like this.
Relax, it was just a young woman.
You picked up a woman?
I was never in any danger.
I mean, she was just a little thing. She was half your size.
Okay. Time for party games.
I know. Let's play Hide the Bridesmaid. Go.
No.
This one's hysterical.
Whatever she says when she opens it
is what she's gonna say on her wedding night.
Here.
I don't think that works if the groom is gay.
I'm pulling it, nothing's happening.
Although I could be wrong.
Just think. This could be our lives if you were dating Funk.
We wouldn't have to think or feel. Just absorb.
Like amoebas.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- I don't know if it's me. - I'll get it.
Do you know he doesn't have any keys?
I mean, he has a driver and a valet and a butler.
The man does not own a key.
He owns a Florida Key.
MAN: All right, we got the chocolate mousse for two, lemon water for one,
and a little something special for the bride-to-be, care of me.
It's Funk.
"Enjoy your honeymoon on exclusive
private San Madre Island in the Grenadines."
We tried that, it was booked.
I know, that's why I bought it and declared myself king.
Feel free to bring a guest of choice, who's free to bring a guest of choice.
I'm supposed to be impressed you have an island?
Because you know what? There's probably, like, at least
ten people who have islands, so...
After the wedding, you'll be whisked to the airport
on my private helicopter, where you will board my private jet
to San Madre Island.
Phone ahead if you want the kosher meals.
- You want kosher. - Till then, good night.
- Do it! - What? I don't--
- Mmph! - Oh.
- Excuse me, sir. - Yeah?
If your boss will let you off work tomorrow, you maybe wanna go to a wedding?
Why, yes, prime minister, it was a lovely ceremony.
It was so good of you to come.
Oh, drummer from U2.
[PHONE RINGS]
Yes, I agree, and it's a shame that Bono didn't show-- Hello?
Todd.
Hi. Uh, nothing.
Listen, I was gonna call you.
There's something that I need to say.
TODD: Hey, me too. - Oh!
I'm back to take you to the wedding.
What wedding?
Oh, orange juice, shoot.
Darn it, see, this is why you don't sneak up on people!
Oh, and, hey, it's really good to see you, by the way.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Just having a crazy couple of days here, and--
You know when would be good? Two weeks from now.
What's going on, Sam?
Nothing. I just wish you would've told me you were coming
so I could have saved you a spot.
Is that goat cheese?
It's the same color.
It's gonna be like Spackle.
And what do you mean, my spot?
- Are you going with someone else? - Someone else? No.
No, there's-- There are tons of people coming.
Just like Andrea. Well, obviously.
And Tony and his boyfriend.
Dena. Maybe Andrea's mom.
- And some guy from work. - Funk?
Um, I think that's his name.
- I knew it. - Look, I was gonna call you
when I got off the phone with the drummer from U2.
Fine, whatever.
You know, I'm glad I came back.
I needed to get all my stuff anyway.
And off to London you go.
And of course, why not?
It's what you do.
You don't want me here, now you don't want me to leave?
You wouldn't have to leave if you'd never left.
I got a job. You said I should go.
And then you went.
Look, you know what, forget it. We're just out of sync.
You know, we are relentlessly out of sync.
You are in my bed, you should be on the couch.
You're on the couch, you should be in my bed.
And when you should be in Africa, you're in Chicago.
And when you should be in Chicago, you're in London.
Yeah? Yeah, well, I can beat that.
You were mean as a snake, then you were in a coma,
then you didn't remember me, then you wanted me, then you didn't.
The best time we ever had together was when you were in a coma!
Maybe you should go.
Here, let me help you take some stuff down.
Never anything I can use.
You need any more help? No?
Okay, bye.
Yeah. Well, it's been a nice trip.
Fourteen hours in coach, but totally worth it for this paperback!
[DOOR SLAMS]
HOST [ON TV]: Bells are ringing for one happy couple today
as basketball superstar Tony Dane marries Andrea Belladonna
in a celebrity-filled ceremony in the Windy City.
With the president in town and traffic gridlocked,
will they get to the church on time?
Superstar Weddings is there.
I found these in the RV. What are they?
- I don't know. - They're pictures of you.
At Civil War battlefields.
On four different days.
Taken by your little hitchhiker, I assume.
Because no way do you know how to use the self-timer on your camera.
Well, Jenny was interested. I mean, she majored in history.
Oh, you know her name?
What, are you writing her centerfold bio?
She has a name, she goes to college, she likes almonds,
and her turn-ons are old men in RVs.
I swear, Regina, nothing happened.
Something did happen, Howard.
You shared your life with someone.
- Well, you didn't wanna go! - I don't care!
That's not your life to share, that belongs to me.
Okay.
I get it. I get it.
This is still your life.
Our life.
Come here.
Is that a tattoo?
REGINA: I don't know.
DENA: Chase?
Chase, I--
Uh, I have to be at the church. Why aren't you ready for the wedding?
I was up all night.
Saw the sunrise.
Has it always had all those colors? I--
What else have I missed right underneath my nose?
I know you're upset about Sam's amnesia.
I mean, she did the job with no information at all.
What does that say about the job? Or about my job?
Does anything really matter?
- Do we exist? MAN: Two lattes.
I mean, is anything really real?
Come on, it is time for us to get away together.
It is time for us to go away.
You need to come with me so we can find out what is really real.
- No, I-- No-- - Yes.
I can't just go. You know, I can't just leave.
I still have half a season of Lost recorded.
I don't know how to stop my newspaper.
- I have dogs. - Oh, do you have dogs?
Or do they have you?
Okay. This is why sleep is so important.
Chase, my life is very real.
Now get dressed, because I have to help my friend that hates me marry a gay man.
What? He's gay?
As we count down to the Belladonna-Dane ceremony--
Mom! Wha--? Mom, what are you talking about?
You have to be here.
I know traffic is jammed up, but we'll wait.
No. We cannot hold the start, we have time booked on the satellite.
- Who are you? - I'm with the network.
We prepared for this, we have alternate parents on hold.
You choose. We like this guy. He was on Veronica Mars.
We share a lot of that same audience, so they'll dig it.
Okay, let's break down here and set up at the church.
This is the guy who set us up right here.@^
I don't know why I did that. I really wanted her for myself.@^
TONY: Yeah, this guy here is crazy.
I'm serious.
Don't marry her. I really wanted her.
[DOOR OPENS]
SAMANTHA: Hey. Honey, I'm so sorry I'm late.
Todd showed up. Surprise.
Okay. Besides your toast to me, let that be the most you say today.
Okay, look, take this engagement ring
and don't give it back to me until my wedding ring is on my finger.
Okay, how's my dress?
Um, it's fine. It's fine.
Little baby goats might follow you, but that'll be cute.
- Go get dressed. Here. Go, go, go. ANDREA: Okay, yeah.
HOST: Our cameras also caught the bride in conversation with her friend,
the unattached billionaire Winston Funk.
FUNK : You're a friend of Samantha's, aren't you?
ANDREA: Huh? - She mentioned something about
maybe seeing her ex-boyfriend again or...
I don't know, I guess that's a good thing?
Ooh.
- Funk, who has himself been linked-- - What was that? Excuse me, excuse me.
Where's the rest of the tape? I need to see it.
Is it in here? Is it in here? Come on, move.
FUNK [ON TV]: What, is he like a struggling artist or something like that?
He's a photographer. Local stuff, nothing special.
You know, not like magazines or anything.
Well, maybe he'll get his big break one day.
SAMANTHA: He sent him away.
He sent Todd away so he could be with me.
Well? Huh?
It's all fake.
It's a setup.
God, how could I be so stupid to think that it was real?
If that's supposed to be your toast to me,
then you should keep working on it.
Sam? Our car is here, we should go.
No, why don't you go?
I just found a really good episode of Top Cook here.
You want a french fry?
Here, you want some more?
Something has transpired.
You sent Todd away!
- Yes, I did. - Yes!
You did!
And you're busted.
Why don't you seem busted?
For what, loving you?
Loving?
Love? Are you--?
What? No.
All right, what did I do? What did I do, really?
I offered Todd a job.
Okay? That's it. What am I, the devil?
I can't compel people to do things they don't wanna do.
I didn't get to where I am without being able to spot a winner.
And you are like that tire factory I bought in India.
When the fir-- Look, I--
That is not a romantic statement, and I see that right now.
Look, come on, now, Todd wanted a job.
I want you.
And I wanna spend every day of my life
just giving you everything you ever wanted.
If you like that sort of thing.
You know what I want?
What?
I wanna blow off this wedding and get the hell out of here.
And if I don't do it now, I'm never gonna do it.
- So let's go. Come on. - Let's go.
HOST [ON TV]: The couple's star-filled--
All right, next time you come back to convince a girl that you want her,
don't bring a round-trip ticket. It's not sexy.
This coming from the guy who set up the love of his life with her husband.
In retrospect, it was a flawed strategy.
The wedding will take place at the local church
where Tony was baptized as a child
and where the Aunt Ethel who raised him is still the organist.
- Man, we suck. - Yeah.
I thought it was gonna be like An Officer and a Gentleman.
Come on, you know. The end?
When Richard Gere comes into the factory,
scoops up Debra Winger, and then just carries her right out.
Doesn't even let her punch out,
he's not even sure if she has personal time coming,
he doesn't care.
Well, then what?
Well, then the movie's over.
[TODD SIGHS]
Seth?
The movie's not over.
--Andrea Belladonna in a celebrity-filled ceremony...
You may see me on the news.
A tattoo.
It's a butterfly. And I like it.
Oh, me too. You know, I always wanted hepatitis,
but now I can just get it from you.
Look, I was sitting next to this woman at a bar,
and she had these beautiful, beautiful portraits
of all of her dead boyfriends up and down both arms.
- They're called sleeves. - You were at a bar?
Yes. One night I was staying at Samantha's--
- You went into the city alone? - Yes, Howard. Yes.
While you and Miss Hitchhiker of the Month
were traipsing through battlefields, I went into the city!
And you know what else?
I had sushi!
You did not.
As raw as can be!
Hepatitis and parasitic worms.
That's what you get in the city.
Howard, I don't want to live in an RV.
I'm sorry.
I should have told you that from the start.
We're young.
I don't want battlefields and cemeteries and final resting places.
I'm not ready to rest.
I'm too excited about our future.
But that's what I wanna do in the future.
I wanna look at the past.
Not me.
I'm just starting.
I'm a butterfly.
They have a life span of six days.
DENA: Andrea, it's Sam.
Where are you? Why aren't you here?
Hey, Andrea, I'm in a helicopter!
So listen.
Honey, I can't come to your wedding.
I'm really sorry. It's--
I finally figured out what it is that I want.
I just can't miss this chance.
I hope you understand.
Listen, I can't hear you,
so I'm just gonna pause for your response!
No. I cannot do this without you.
Now get back here before I kill you.
Thank you so much for understanding.
Bye!
Andrea Belladonna, I'd like you to meet your mom and dad.
The network wanted diversity.
[ORGAN PLAYING]
Okay. This is happening. Let's get the bride in the chute. You, go.
- Mom, move it. - Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Those aren't my parents and my maid of honor isn't even here.
- What is this? - Now, you'll be fine.
You know, when I worked on Veronica Mars, I was scared to death.
But I'm here for you, Andrea.
It's "Andrea." Dad.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[CROWD CHATTERING]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Wait.
MAN [OVER PA]: Ladies and gentlemen, Flight 46 has been canceled.@n
Flight 46 has been canceled.
GUARD: Can I help you, sir?
You're gonna love my island.
Guess who's on the five-dollar bill.
Honey? What are you--? My plane is that way.
Oh, yeah, I know. But I just remembered that you suck.
But thank you for the ride.
I never would've been able to catch Todd without it.
Sam? What are you doing?
What, do you feel manipulated? Used?
It's gotta be rough, huh?
Because I am not your puppet in your little puppet theater show, okay?
You don't get to control my fate.
Your fate. Okay, fate--
There's no such thing as fate, sweetheart.
All right? Fate is what happens to people who have no power.
Well, I do have the power.
I have the power to walk away.
Check it out.
See you at work on Monday.
Hi. Hi, I need to get my bag. They said I have to ask you.
This bag has been checked to London.
- But I'm not going to London. - Why'd you check it to London?
Well, because my girlfriend-- Ex-girlfriend-- Doesn't matter, forget it.
You know what? I'll let the bag go alone. I'll just get it later.
You checked a bag you have no intention of accompanying?
That's right.
- Security to baggage services. MAN: Security, copy.
Excuse me. Hi. Yeah. I guess I need to buy a ticket.
- Okay, where to? - It doesn't matter.
Well, there's a flight to Hong Kong that departs in 20 minutes.
Perfect, perfect. One, please.
I'm afraid that flight's sold out.
Me, I think you'd enjoy Shanghai.
- My college friends and I went there and-- - I don't care, all right?
I just need a one-way ticket, I have no bags to check,
it doesn't matter to where, because I'm not gonna end up there anyway.
One sec.
Security to ticketing, please.
No, no, no. What--? Come on.
It'll be a minute until a room opens up.
You might wanna take this time to relax.
Oh, please, please. Please, let me stop him.
Look, I know how this is gonna go down. I do.
He's gonna get on that plane
and he's gonna meet some flight attendant whose husband just died or something,
and then they're gonna talk, and she's gonna open up,
and by the time they land, they're sharing a flat together.
We cannot keep doing this.
I know, it's confusing.
But, you know, people are confusing.
That's what makes them real.
And I don't care if we're in sync.
As long as we're out of sync together.
TODD: Then shut up and tell him that.
Todd.
- Hey, no contact. - Hm?
Wait, I have something for you.
Me too.
- Sir. - What? Dude, come on.
- No. - All right, fine, fine. Open it for me.
Go on. There, there. Can I have that?
Oh, man.
- Will you marry me? - Will you marry me?
SAMANTHA: There's another kind of fairy tale.
One built on star-crossed lovers who fight against the evil empire,
who find each other against all odds.
No one can ever know about this.
Got it?
Got it.
- Now shut up and spoon me. - Oh.
- So nasty. - Ahh.
So where to?
I've got 5 million frequent-flier miles and two years of French.
We're free.
Nothing to tie us down.
You hear that? We're free.
You boys like your freedom. Yes, you do.
Time for somebody's pill, huh?
Hey, Frank. Guess what.
We're getting married.
Well, I wish you luck.
Aw, thanks, Frank.
What--? What are you doing? Oh.
Wait, hold on, hold on. I have to get my keys.
He has keys.
Lots and lots and lots of luck.
That last one? Now that's my kind of fairy tale.
Where true love trumps all
and they live happily ever after.
- Mom. - I've left your father.
Now, it's nothing you did.
We both love you just the same, we're just gonna live in different places.
I'm gonna live here.
But does everything have to be so brown?
Let's get some color in here.