1
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:11,179
PREVIOUSLY ON
"CALIFORNICATION"...

2
00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:13,047
Charlie:
HEY, I KNOW YOU.

3
00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:14,748
CHARLIE RUNKLE.
DAISY.

4
00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:16,084
THAT'S ACTUALLY MY RIDE.

5
00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:18,086
YOU GOING TO THE SET?
I'LL COME WITH.

6
00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:20,088
DID YOU NEGOTIATE,
DAISY?

7
00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:22,323
DID YOU LAY OUT CLEAR RULES FOR
WHAT YOU WILL AND WILL NOT DO?

8
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,558
NO.
THAT'S IT!
BIGS, STOP THE VAN!

9
00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:27,295
GET THE FUCK OUT!
YOU'RE GOING TOO, SWEETHEART.

10
00:00:27,328 --> 00:00:29,463
LET'S GO!

11
00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:33,667
JUDAS PRIEST, HANK.

12
00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:34,835
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

13
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,805
I WAS HOPING YOU'D FINALLY MAKE
AN HONEST WOMAN OF ME.

14
00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:39,173
Destiny:
SO YOU'RE PREGNANT, RIGHT?

15
00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:40,174
YEAH.
I AM PREGNANT. YES.

16
00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:42,710
I THINK WHAT
YOU'RE SAYING, SONJA,

17
00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:46,180
THAT HANK COULD VERY WELL BE
THE FATHER OF THE CHILD, RIGHT?

18
00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:47,081
GOD, I'M SORRY.

19
00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:49,317
I DIDN'T WANT IT TO COME OUT
LIKE THIS.

20
00:00:49,350 --> 00:00:51,619
I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.
NO.

21
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:54,422
MARRYING BILL WAS
DEFINITELY NOT THE ANSWER.

22
00:00:54,455 --> 00:00:55,756
DON'T.

23
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:58,492
NEITHER IS MARRYING YOU.

24
00:00:58,526 --> 00:01:00,294
I...

25
00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:04,432
I can't stay.

26
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[ LAUGHS ]

27
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Woman: HEY.

28
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Chloe Metz: THERE YOU GO.
THAT'S PROBABLY ENOUGH.

29
00:01:55,283 --> 00:01:57,251
WHOA!
GORGEOUS, HUH?

30
00:01:57,285 --> 00:02:00,254
AND NOW LET'S
CHECK ON THOSE ONNIES

31
00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:01,922
THAT WE'VE GOT GOING HERE.

32
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,424
WHOA! YUM, YUM...

33
00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:04,425
HELLO!

34
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:08,162
YOU LOOK LIKE ASS!

35
00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:11,932
THAT'S FUNNY,
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE ASS!

36
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,668
ASS THAT'S BEEN RID HARD
AND PUT AWAY WET.

37
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MM.

38
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DRINK.

39
00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:23,377
RE-E-E-VITALIZE!

40
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AH! GEEZ,
THAT'S FULL OF VODKA.

41
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:29,383
YEAH.

42
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:34,588
OHH, THESE ONNIES
SMELL YUMMY!

43
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ALL RIGHT.
LET'S PUT SOME MORE IN THERE.

44
00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:38,526
WHY NOT, RIGHT?

45
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EVERYBODY LOVES ONIONS.

46
00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:41,262
UH-OH! UH-OH!

47
00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:43,331
AHH! TEAR, TEAR.

48
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SOMETIMES THESE ONIONS ARE JUST
TOO MUCH FOR THIS LITTLE GAL.

49
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,336
CHLOEKINS HAS A TRICK
FOR EVERYTHING.

50
00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,404
SPESH, RIGHT?

51
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:51,905
THERE'S SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT WOMAN.

52
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:54,708
I WANT TO FUCK HER, BUT
I KIND OF WANT TO PUNCH
HER IN THE FACE, TOO.

53
00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:55,509
IT'S WEIRD.

54
00:02:55,543 --> 00:02:58,212
HA-HA! YOU WANT TO
HATE-FUCK HER.

55
00:02:58,246 --> 00:03:00,548
NO WORRIES.
WE'LL GET HER FOR YOU.

56
00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:02,516
GET WHO FOR ME?
CHLOE METZ?

57
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:03,884
I KNOW PEOPLE.

58
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,254
YEAH, I KNOW PEOPLE, TOO.
THEY'RE NOT MAGICIANS.

59
00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:08,689
WELL, YOU DON'T KNOW
THE RIGHT PEOPLE.

60
00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:10,658
YOU'RE IN
ASHBY'S WORLD NOW.

61
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,460
DRINK THE FUCK UP!

62
00:03:13,461 --> 00:03:15,496
REFRESH YOURSELF.

63
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,898
BAKING'S EASY
WHEN YOU'RE COOKING WITH CHLOE!

64
00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:04,011
[ SCHOOL BELL RINGS ]

65
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:10,518
Hank: YO.

66
00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:12,620
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

67
00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:13,621
COME ON.

68
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:15,989
QUIT ACTING LIKE
YOU'RE NOT HAPPY TO SEE ME.

69
00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:16,857
HUG BACK.

70
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:19,393
SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE
WITH LOVE.

71
00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:21,695
WE DON'T CARE
WHAT THE MEAN GIRLS THINK.

72
00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:23,431
IS SOMETHING WRONG?

73
00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:24,565
WHY? IT'S WEDNESDAY,
3:00 P.M.,

74
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:27,601
CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE DOT
THAT I DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE

75
00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:28,936
FOR LEAVING YOU
STRANDED.

76
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:31,305
IT'S TUESDAY.
MOM PICKS ME UP ON TUESDAYS.

77
00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:33,407
[ IMITATES BUZZER ]
IT IS WEDNESDAY.

78
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:35,709
[ IMITATES BUZZER ]
NO, IT'S NOT.

79
00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:36,810
REALLY?

80
00:04:36,844 --> 00:04:39,447
'CAUSE I'VE GOT A SERIOUS
HUMP-DAY VIBE HAPPENING.

81
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:40,814
YOU SURE?

82
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:42,683
THERE'S MOM.

83
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AW, SHIT.

84
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:46,053
UH, HI.

85
00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:47,655
"HI" TO YOU ON THIS --

86
00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:49,790
THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL WEEKDAY,
ISN'T IT?

87
00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:52,092
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WELL, I WAS
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,

88
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,827
SO I THOUGHT I'D GRAB
A FEW MINUTES

89
00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:55,463
OF FATHER/DAUGHTER
RAPPROCHEMENT

90
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:57,698
BEFORE YOU SWOOP BY TO PICK
THE LITTLE MONSTER UP.

91
00:04:57,731 --> 00:05:00,033
SO...YOU THINK
IT'S WEDNESDAY.

92
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,769
[ Laughing ] COME ON.

93
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,003
I PLEAD THE 5th.

94
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:05,639
OF VODKA.
I CAN SMELL IT ON YOU.

95
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:08,542
YOU CAN'T SMELL VODKA.
THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT.

96
00:05:08,576 --> 00:05:10,077
ARE YOU STAYING
AT LEW ASHBY'S?

97
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,144
FOR THE TIME BEING, YES.

98
00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:13,714
WE HAVEN'T PRINTED
THE FORMAL ANNOUNCEMENTS YET.

99
00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:16,484
OKAY. DO YOU THINK
THAT'S SUCH A GREAT IDEA?

100
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:17,718
THE ROAD
TO LEW ASHBY'S HOUSE

101
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:19,920
IS PAVED
WITH GOODISH INTENTIONS.

102
00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:22,423
THANK YOU FOR ASKING.
I'LL BE FINE.

103
00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:24,558
HEY, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE BECCA HOME?

104
00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:26,627
YOU GUYS HAVEN'T HUNG OUT
IN A WHILE,

105
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:27,628
AND YOU'RE HERE, SO...

106
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:28,696
WHAT DO YOU SAY,
UZBEKISTAN,

107
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:30,864
YOU WANT TO WILE AWAY AN HOUR
WITH YOUR OLD MAN?

108
00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:32,466
GRAB SOME ICE CREAM?

109
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,602
YOU DOWN
FOR SOME 31 FLAVORS?

110
00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:35,803
I'M NOT A CHILD.

111
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:38,138
WELL, I AM,
SO I AM DESPERATELY HOPING

112
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:40,841
THERE'S SOME "VERY BERRY"
SOMETHING OR OTHER

113
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,142
IN MY IMMEDIATE FUTURE.

114
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,544
INTO THE CHARIOT.

115
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:45,112
Karen: THAT'S GREAT.

116
00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:47,948
HAVE A GOOD TIME,
SWEETIE.

117
00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:49,683
SO, DRIVE SAFE --

118
00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:50,884
THIS SUCKS.

119
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,588
GOODBYE, HANK.

120
00:05:54,622 --> 00:05:55,589
GOODBYE.

121
00:05:55,623 --> 00:05:58,426
WHERE HAVE I HEARD
THAT BEFORE?

122
00:05:58,459 --> 00:05:59,427
OH, YEAH.

123
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:01,695
I REMEMBER.

124
00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:07,067
[ SIGHS ]

125
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:09,102
THIS SUCKS.

126
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,807
GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE.

127
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:22,683
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
Charlie: HELLO. HOT LIPS.

128
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,985
NO, I'M NOT
A DEEP-VOICED WOMAN.

129
00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:27,721
I'M JUST HELPING MY WIFE OUT.

130
00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:30,424
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT --
THE MASTURBATING AGENT.

131
00:06:30,458 --> 00:06:31,992
CAN I HELP YOU OR WHAT?

132
00:06:33,461 --> 00:06:36,129
WHAT, EXACTLY, MIGHT THAT BE?

133
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:38,866
[ INHALES ] OUCH. HOLD ON.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK.

134
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,835
BABY, DO WE DO BALLS?!

135
00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:44,738
Shh! What the fuck
is wrong with you?!

136
00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:46,440
Got ladies present.

137
00:06:46,474 --> 00:06:48,842
AND NO, SIR,
WE DON'T DO BALLS.

138
00:06:48,876 --> 00:06:51,712
I'M SORRY.
WE DON'T DO BALLS.

139
00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:56,850
HEY! HEY!
IT'S DAISY!

140
00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:58,919
DAISY, HOW YOU DOING?

141
00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:01,121
I'VE BEEN BLACKBALLED.

142
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:02,055
OH.

143
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,157
WHAT IS THAT,
LIKE AN INTERRACIAL TEA BAG

144
00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:04,958
KIND OF THING, OR...

145
00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:07,795
IT'S NO ONE
WILL FUCKING HIRE ME!

146
00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:09,630
WORD GOT AROUND
WHAT YOU DID,

147
00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:11,999
AND NOW EVERYONE THINKS
I'M A TROUBLEMAKER.

148
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:14,101
PORN PEOPLE
DON'T LIKE TROUBLEMAKERS.

149
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:17,137
THEY WANT YOU TO HIT YOUR MARK,
SUCK YOUR DICK, THEN GO.

150
00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:20,140
HEY. IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.
DON'T CRY. DON'T CRY.

151
00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:21,609
WE'LL -- WE'LL,
YOU KNOW...

152
00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,911
IT MAY NOT
LOOK LIKE MUCH TO YOU,

153
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:27,014
BUT I'VE WORKED REALLY HARD
TO GET WHERE I AM.

154
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,583
YOU DON'T NEED
TO TELL ME. I SAW.

155
00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:31,018
[ SCOFFS ]
JESUS H., RUNKLE.

156
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:33,954
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
HELPING OUT AND SHIT,
NOT CAUSING A RUCKUS.

157
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:35,789
HE RUINED MY CAREER.

158
00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:38,025
OH, WELL, HE'S GOOD AT THAT.
USUALLY, HIS OWN.

159
00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:41,662
WHAT?! DON'T BE HATIN'
'CAUSE I SPEAK THE TRUTH.

160
00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:43,497
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
SUPPORT ME.

161
00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:44,431
AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO

162
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,534
MASTURBATE IN THE PRIVACY
OF YOUR OWN HOME.

163
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:47,400
WHAT ARE YOU, 14?

164
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:49,903
YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR HANDS
OFF YOUR DICK

165
00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:51,138
FOR LIKE TWO MINUTES?

166
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:53,073
COME HERE, DAISY.

167
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:54,742
BUCK UP, HM?

168
00:07:54,775 --> 00:07:56,744
IT'S LIKE
I TOLD CHARLIE --

169
00:07:56,777 --> 00:08:01,114
YOU COULD EITHER CRY
LIKE A BITCH OR SMACK A BITCH.

170
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:02,783
SO SMACK A BITCH.

171
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,118
DON'T YOU THINK
I'VE BEEN TRYING?

172
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:06,119
I KNOW, MON.

173
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:07,788
LOOK --
THIS IS ON YOU.

174
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:11,024
DAISY'S FAMILY,
AND YOU FUCKED HER SHIT UP.

175
00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:14,528
UM, MARCY, IT'S -- IT'S REALLY
STARTING TO BURN NOW.

176
00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:16,597
OH, OKAY.
ONE SECOND.

177
00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:18,298
THANK YOU.

178
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,299
[ CLEARS THROAT ]

179
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:20,768
IT'S LIKE
I'M DEFORESTING

180
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:22,836
THE FRIGGIN' RAIN FOREST
BACK THERE.

181
00:08:22,870 --> 00:08:25,639
I KEEP EXPECTING TREE MONKEYS
TO LEAP OUT OF HER BUSH

182
00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:26,674
AND ATTACK ME.

183
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:31,144
[ SNAPPING ]
FIX THIS.

184
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:32,145
[ SIGHS ]

185
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:35,115
Chloe: OKAY, DO YOU SMELL
THAT GORGEOUS AROMA?

186
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:35,916
Lew: MM-HMM.

187
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:38,018
THAT'S WHAT
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

188
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:39,186
WAIT A MINUTE.

189
00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:42,556
I KNOW YOU.
IT'S ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE.

190
00:08:42,590 --> 00:08:44,858
OHH! AND FUNNY!

191
00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:47,728
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
HE WAS FUNNY.

192
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:50,163
CHLOE METZ.
HOW THE HECK ARE YA?

193
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,165
A HELL OF A LOT
MORE IMPRESSED WITH LEW

194
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:54,167
THAN I WAS
A COUPLE OF HOURS AGO.

195
00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:55,068
WHY?!

196
00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:57,838
WELL, A FEW HOURS AGO,
YOU WERE THIS BIG.

197
00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:59,740
AND NOW YOU'RE...
YOU'RE THIS BIG.

198
00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:01,742
OH, OH, OH.
HEY, WATCH IT, PAL!

199
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:05,012
I DON'T BARF AFTER EVERY SHOW
JUST TO MAINTAIN A SIZE FOUR!

200
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,279
[ LAUGHS ]

201
00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:08,716
CHLOE'S ASSISTANT IS PALS
WITH KENNY'S COUSIN.

202
00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,150
WELL, FUCK BUDDIES.

203
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:11,985
AHH! WHOO!

204
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,655
LET'S JUST TRY TO TURN
THE VOLUME DOWN A LITTLE BIT.

205
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:15,656
OH, HEY!

206
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:18,992
OH! IT JUST DOESN'T STOP
WITH THIS GUY, DOES IT?

207
00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:21,762
OHH, LEW TOLD ME
YOUR SAD STORY.

208
00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:23,897
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE LAUGHING
THROUGH THE PAIN.

209
00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:25,899
YOU POOR BABY.
COME HERE.

210
00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:29,269
YEAH, YOU TAKE
A TASTE OF THIS.

211
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,038
HERE. TRY THIS.

212
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,305
IT'S GORGEOUS!

213
00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:33,707
OH, MY GOD.

214
00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:34,708
AAH!

215
00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:35,709
YEAH!

216
00:09:35,743 --> 00:09:38,145
OH, LOOK.
I GOT TO TAKE THIS.

217
00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:40,247
UH...PLAY NICE.

218
00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:43,183
AW, HE'S A SWEETHEART.

219
00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:45,285
HE'S A PRINCE
AMONG THE NON-PRINCELY.

220
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:46,286
HMM.

221
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:48,288
SO...

222
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:51,859
WANNA FUCK?
YES.

223
00:09:51,892 --> 00:09:54,261
OH! STIR MY GRAVY!

224
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:55,162
OHH!

225
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:58,298
YEAH, FUCK ME WITH
YOUR HALF-BLACK COCK.

226
00:09:58,331 --> 00:09:59,633
OH, YEAH!

227
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:00,734
COME ON.

228
00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:01,869
OH, GET THE CHOCOLATE!

229
00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:02,670
HM?

230
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:04,404
THE CHOCOLATE!
GET THE CHOCOLATE!

231
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,839
YEAH,
GET THE CHOCOLATE.

232
00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:07,641
NO, ARE YOU DEAF?!
GET THE CHOCOLATE!

233
00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:08,642
YEAH.

234
00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:10,811
OH! OH, POUR IT ON ME.

235
00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:12,980
[ PANTING ] COME ON.
SLATHER IT ON ME.

236
00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:15,148
MAKE ME
YOUR LITTLE CUPCAKE.

237
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:17,284
[ MOANS ]

238
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:19,653
WELL, DIG IN!

239
00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:24,291
DAMN! THAT'S DAMN-GOOD
CHOCOLATE.

240
00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:26,293
AW, THANKS.
I MADE IT MYSELF.

241
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:29,162
NONE OF THAT HERSHEY'S CRAP
FOR CHLOE METZ.

242
00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:30,898
MMM.

243
00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:32,733
WELL, COME ON!

244
00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,101
BREED ME!

245
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:37,170
OH!
YEAH, MAKE ME YOUR BITCH!

246
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:39,406
FUCK ME
LIKE I'M AL-QAEDA!

247
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:40,874
OH, YEAH!

248
00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:41,909
YES!

249
00:10:41,942 --> 00:10:44,044
DECLARING JIHAD
ON YOUR PUSSY.

250
00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:47,114
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT I CAN DO TO HELP?

251
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,916
YOU CAN BE MY AGENT.

252
00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:50,884
[ Laughing ]
YEAH, OKAY.

253
00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:54,187
YOU WANT ME TO FLUFF
YOUR CO-STARS WHILE I'M AT IT?

254
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:55,188
I'M SERIOUS.

255
00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:57,858
IF I HAD A BIG HOLLYWOOD GUY
LIKE YOU ON MY TEAM,

256
00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,126
THEY WOULD
TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.

257
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:02,229
HEY, I'M THE FUCKTARD WHO GOT
YOU KICKED OFF "THE SLAM VAN"

258
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,430
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

259
00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:05,933
I DON'T THINK THOSE GUYS
ARE TOO IMPRESSED WITH MY SHIT.

260
00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:07,067
FUCK "THE SLAM VAN."

261
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:09,069
I'M DONE
WITH THAT GONZO SHIT.

262
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,104
I NEED TO MOVE UP
IN THE WORLD.

263
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:14,174
I NEED TO WORK FOR THE VIVIDS,
THE DIGITAL PLAYGROUNDS,

264
00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:15,175
ADAM & EVE.

265
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,010
IS IT HARD
TO GET THOSE GIGS?

266
00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:18,178
FUCK YEAH, IT'S HARD.

267
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:20,013
I'VE BEEN BUSTING MY NUTS
FOR WEEKS

268
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:22,750
JUST TRYING TO GET A FRIGGIN'
MEETING WITH RONNY PRAEGER.

269
00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:24,251
HE'S LIKE
THE SPIELBERG OF PORN.

270
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:25,719
NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

271
00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:27,955
YOU'D LIKE RONNY'S WORK --
REAL ARTSY.

272
00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:30,223
DOLLY SHOTS
AND CROSSCUTTING.

273
00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:32,826
HE'S DOING THIS ADAPTATION
OF "CHINATOWN."

274
00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:35,028
ONLY RONNY'S CALLING IT
"VAGINATOWN."

275
00:11:35,062 --> 00:11:37,931
'CAUSE IT'S NOT THE WATER
THAT RUNS L.A. --

276
00:11:37,965 --> 00:11:39,833
IT'S THE VAGINA.

277
00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:42,970
AND I WOULD BE PERFECT
FOR THE SISTER/DAUGHTER.

278
00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:45,906
AND I'D GET TO ACT.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT.

279
00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:47,407
REALLY?
YEAH.

280
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,110
I DON'T SEE WHY EMOTING
AND GETTING STUFFED

281
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:52,112
HAVE TO BE
MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE.

282
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:53,914
SO, WHAT'S HAPPENED
SO FAR?

283
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:56,416
DID YOU EVER GET IN TOUCH
WITH THIS RONNY GUY?

284
00:11:56,449 --> 00:11:59,052
FUCKER WON'T RETURN
MY PHONE CALLS.

285
00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:00,888
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

286
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:04,424
I'M GONNA CALL RONNY PRAEGER,
SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

287
00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:05,926
FOR REAL?

288
00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:06,960
IT'S WHAT I DO.

289
00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:09,162
I GET PEOPLE
IMPOSSIBLE MEETINGS.

290
00:12:09,196 --> 00:12:10,931
THAT IS SO AWESOME.

291
00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:15,035
AND DON'T WORRY.
I WILL BLOW YOU.

292
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,037
OR DID YOU WANT MY PUSSY?

293
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,907
YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'D WANT MY PUSSY.

294
00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:21,474
THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.

295
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:24,377
NO, WE'RE GONNA KEEP THIS
STRICTLY BUSINESS.

296
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:27,114
I DO NOT...WANT...
YOUR PUSSY.

297
00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:34,021
I COULD TELL
YOU'RE ONE OF THE GOOD ONES.

298
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:47,067
AM I THE MAGICIAN
OR WHAT?

299
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,803
MAN, YOU'RE LIKE
FUCKING DOUG HENNING.

300
00:12:49,837 --> 00:12:51,338
ONLY NOT QUITE SO MACHO.

301
00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:53,173
YEAH.
[ LAUGHS ]

302
00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:55,208
WHERE WERE YOU
WHEN I WAS 12, FUCKER?

303
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:56,543
IMAGINE
THE POSSIBILITIES.

304
00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:58,812
INSTEAD OF WHACKING OFF
TO FARRAH FAWCETT,

305
00:12:58,846 --> 00:13:01,048
I COULD HAVE WHACKED OFF
ON FARRAH FAWCETT.

306
00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:02,315
[ LAUGHS ]

307
00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:03,183
FEELING BETTER?

308
00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:05,585
YOU GET THE OLD LADY
OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM?

309
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,587
I DON'T KNOW IF
I GOT IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM,

310
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:11,058
BUT I DISCHARGED PRECIOUS
BODILY FLUIDS ALL OVER
YOUR SPARE BEDROOM THERE.

311
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:12,893
YEAH, A LITTLE BIT
OF HATE-FUCKING --

312
00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:14,194
ALWAYS GOOD
FOR THE SOUL.

313
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:15,929
Chloe: LEW!

314
00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:19,199
OHH!
THIS MAN IS GORGEOUS!

315
00:13:19,232 --> 00:13:20,868
OHH!

316
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:21,935
AND THIS COCK.

317
00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:24,337
[ GRUNTS ]
GOD, IT'S GORGEOUS.

318
00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:26,940
YOU COULD WRAP IT UP
AND SELL IT AT WHOLE FOODS.

319
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,075
MM-HMM.
YEAH.

320
00:13:28,108 --> 00:13:29,609
OKAY, SO, WHAT'S NEXT?!

321
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,111
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"NEXT"?

322
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:32,512
WELL, COME ON, FUCKER.

323
00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:35,916
I GOT ALL NIGHT, AND I'M READY
FOR A LITTLE F-O-N.

324
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:37,317
F-O-N?

325
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:39,419
YEAH, "FUN,"
BUT LIKE A RETARD SAID IT.

326
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,354
OHH.
OH, YOU
HAD TO BE THERE.

327
00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:42,856
YET, SADLY,
I WASN'T.

328
00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:45,458
LOOK, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
CATCH YOU ANOTHER TIME,

329
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:48,161
SWEET CHLOE, 'CAUSE, LIKE,
I GOT TO HIT THE TROUBADOUR

330
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:49,396
AND HANK'S COMING WITH.

331
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:52,199
OOH, THE TROUBADOUR.
I'M DOWN WITH THAT.

332
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:54,501
NO, IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.
NO TAGALONGS.

333
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,003
WHY NOT?

334
00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:57,470
BECAUSE THE WORDS
LEFT MY MOUTH.

335
00:13:57,504 --> 00:14:00,207
DO I LOOK LIKE A PERSON
WHO SAYS THINGS HE DOESN'T MEAN?

336
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:02,242
[ Laughing ] OHH.

337
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:05,145
OH.

338
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,547
YOU KNOW, WE'LL JUST DO IT
ANOTHER TIME, OKAY?

339
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,216
WE'LL CATCH YOU
ON THE FLIP SIDE.

340
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:10,217
BUT WE'LL -- WE'LL DO IT.

341
00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:13,186
OKAY. YEAH, GOOD.
YOU'VE GOT MY NUMBER, RIGHT?

342
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:14,922
WELL --
Lew: CHRIS DOES.

343
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:16,189
CHRIS DOES.
KENNY'S COUSIN.

344
00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:18,125
KENNY'S...COUSIN
HAS GOT THE NUMBER.

345
00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:19,927
ALL RIGHT.
COOL.
COOL?

346
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:20,928
ON THAT NOTE...

347
00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:22,429
WELL, UH, HEY --
[ LAUGHS ]

348
00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:24,464
SO, WHO'S GONNA
GIVE ME A RIDE?

349
00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:27,000
'CAUSE MY B.F.F.
DROPPED ME OFF.

350
00:14:27,034 --> 00:14:29,970
OH, COME ON.
IT'LL BE FUN, GUYS.

351
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,114
HEY, I'M LOOKING FOR
RONNY PRAEGER.

352
00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:42,950
[ Australian accent ]
YOU FOUND HIM, BUT I'M LATE.

353
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:45,118
UNLESS YOU'RE A MONEY GUY.
ARE YOU A MONEY GUY?

354
00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:48,121
NO, I'M AN AGENT.
I'M HER AGENT.

355
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:49,923
THEN I'M DEFINITELY LATE.

356
00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:52,425
HEY, I CALLED.
YOU SAID YOU HAD TIME.

357
00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:53,560
OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

358
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:56,129
YOU'VE GOT SOME BIT OF MUFF
THAT'S GONNA ROCK MY WORLD.

359
00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:58,298
DAISY.

360
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,602
SHE AIN'T RIGHT.

361
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:05,205
WELL, HOLD ON.
YOU BARELY LOOKED AT HER.

362
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:06,206
LISTEN.

363
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,375
KATHERINE
IS AN INNOCENT.

364
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,377
SHE DOESN'T
HAVE DEFENSES.

365
00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:14,514
THIS CHICK LOOKS LIKE SHE JUST
BLEW HER LANDLORD FOR RENT.

366
00:15:14,547 --> 00:15:15,648
NO OFFENSE.

367
00:15:15,682 --> 00:15:18,518
NONE TAKEN.
I JUST DID.

368
00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:22,589
ANYWAY, I'M OFF
TO SEE CASSAVETES.

369
00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:23,623
SORRY.

370
00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:28,095
OH, WELL.
WE TRIED.

371
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:30,563
WHAT, ARE YOU
KIDDING ME?

372
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:33,066
I'M JUST
GETTING STARTED.

373
00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:37,570
Chloe: IT'S UP HERE
ON THE LEFT. RIGHT THERE.

374
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,439
Hank: WOW, THAT?
YEAH.

375
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:42,509
YOUR ABODE HAS A VERY
"JUNE CLEAVER" VIBE TO IT.

376
00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:43,443
AWW.

377
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:46,346
[ GASPS ] OOH!
HEY, YOU WANT TO SAY "HEY"

378
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,248
TO THE BEAVE ONE MORE TIME
BEFORE I HAVE TO GO?

379
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,617
ORDINARILY, BUT LEW HERE
IS ON A VERY TIGHT SCHEDULE.

380
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:52,485
WE CAN'T KEEP
THE HAIR BANDS WAITING.

381
00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:54,521
THEY'RE VERY EXCITABLE,
THE HAIR BANDS.

382
00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:56,389
YOU KNOW, SO...
MM.

383
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,992
IT WAS REAL, CHLOE METZ.
[ SMOOCHES ]

384
00:15:59,026 --> 00:16:00,160
REAL AS IN REAL.

385
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:01,228
AW, ALL RIGHT.
THANKS.

386
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:02,495
IT WAS REALLY,
REALLY REAL.

387
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:04,597
HEY! NONE OF THAT,
MISTER!

388
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,466
[ LAUGHS ]

389
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,435
ALL RIGHTY!
[ GIGGLES ]
OKAY.

390
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:11,371
OH, HEY! WHAT ARE Y'ALL
DOING TOMORROW?

391
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:13,640
OR -- OR FRIDAY.
YOU KNOW, EITHER WAY.

392
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:15,708
WE COULD HANG.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

393
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,410
I KNOW
YOU DID IT AGAIN!

394
00:16:17,444 --> 00:16:19,212
Hank:
WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?

395
00:16:19,246 --> 00:16:22,015
OH, IT'S
MY STUPID HUSBAND.
YOU'RE MARRIED?!

396
00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:24,517
YEAH, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
I CAN'T STILL PARTY!

397
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:26,019
NO, YES, IT DOES.
WHAT? NO!

398
00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:28,388
HEY, COME ON! COME ON!
DRIVE, BITCH! LET'S GO!

399
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:31,291
WHAT --
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

400
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,559
[ BABY CRYING ]

401
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:34,327
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
COME BACK!

402
00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:35,628
THAT'S MY WIFE!

403
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:36,996
YOU WHORE! WHORE!

404
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,500
Charlie:
WHERE YOU BEEN?

405
00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:43,303
DO I LOOK LIKE I SHOP
AT THE FRIGGIN' LIMITED?

406
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:45,072
I HAD TO BORROW
THIS CRAP.

407
00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:47,307
THIS IS NOT CRAP.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

408
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:48,441
I DO?

409
00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:51,378
YEAH, ACTUALLY,
YOU DO.

410
00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:52,779
HEY, HEY, HEY,
RONNY.

411
00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:54,647
FANTASTIC.
YOU FOLLOWED ME HERE.

412
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:57,250
YES. YES, I DID, 'CAUSE
I'M A MAN ON A MISSION.

413
00:16:57,284 --> 00:16:59,419
YOU NEED TO HAVE ANOTHER LOOK
AT DAISY HERE.

414
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:00,753
HEY, DON'T
KILL MY BUZZ.

415
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:02,622
I JUST TOKED ON
A CASSAVETES JOINT.

416
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:04,624
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
I LOVE CASSAVETES.

417
00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:05,525
SURE, YOU DO.

418
00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:07,427
IT'S WHY I GOT
INTO THE BUSINESS, MAN.

419
00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:09,562
BEN GAZZARA,
"KILLING OF A CHINESE BOOKIE."

420
00:17:09,596 --> 00:17:11,431
THAT SCENE IN THE CAR.
TOTAL DARKNESS.

421
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:13,766
IF I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN
A BLOW JOB AND CASSAVETES,

422
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,235
I WOULD CHOOSE CASSAVETES.

423
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:16,636
MM, I'D TAKE
THE BLOW JOB.

424
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:17,704
SO WOULD I.

425
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:19,639
BUT I'D BE THINKING ABOUT
CASSAVETES WHILE I GOT IT.

426
00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:22,709
SEE, THAT'S WHY I LEFT ALL THIS
HOLLYWOOD CRAP BEHIND ME.

427
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:23,710
YOU KNOW?

428
00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:26,479
THE SHIT THEY MAKE
IS ALL ABOUT THE SURFACE.

429
00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:30,250
PORN IS ABOUT
THE REAL.

430
00:17:30,283 --> 00:17:32,585
"VAGINATOWN" IS GONNA BE
MY MAGNUM OPUS.

431
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:36,123
I WANT IT TO HAVE THE FEEL
OF, UH, "THERE WILL BE BLOOD."

432
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:38,125
YOU KNOW? I'M REALLY
INTO PERIOD PORN.

433
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:41,628
NOT THAT KIND OF
PERIOD PORN.

434
00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:44,097
THIS IS WHY
YOU HAVE TO HIRE DAISY, MAN.

435
00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:45,232
LOOK AT THIS GIRL.

436
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:46,366
SHE'S KATHERINE.

437
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,801
WHAT, DO YOU THINK SHE ARRIVED
IN L.A. ALL TARTED UP?

438
00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:50,537
SHE'S FROM
LONG ISLAND, MAN.

439
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,872
SHE RAN AWAY FROM HOME,
PREGNANT AT 16.

440
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:56,243
SEXUALLY ABUSED,
AM I RIGHT?

441
00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:58,511
SHE CAME TO L.A.
WANTING TO BE AN ACTRESS, MAN --

442
00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:00,513
STARS IN HER EYES,
ALL THAT SHIT.

443
00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:02,382
AND THEN YOU KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.

444
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,251
SHE GOT CRAPPED ON.

445
00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:05,818
OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

446
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:09,422
CAN YOU TAP INTO THAT,
DAISY?

447
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:10,790
I DON'T KNOW.

448
00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:12,825
SHE CAN
TAP INTO THAT.

449
00:18:12,859 --> 00:18:15,295
YOU CAN
TAP INTO THAT.

450
00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:18,531
IT DOESN'T MATTER.

451
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:20,367
THE MOVIE'S
NOT GONNA HAPPEN ANYWAY.

452
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:21,834
THE FINANCING
JUST FELL THROUGH.

453
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:23,303
YOU'RE SHITTING ME!

454
00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:24,904
I WISH I WAS.

455
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,140
THE MONEYMEN
DON'T SUPPORT MY VISION.

456
00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:29,842
WHICH I
DON'T UNDERSTAND.

457
00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:32,379
THE "WALL OF COCKS"
SEQUENCE ALONE...

458
00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:34,581
WOULD HAVE BLOWN
PEOPLE'S MINDS.

459
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,784
THE "WALL OF COCKS"...

460
00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:42,422
[ CHLOE LAUGHING ]

461
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:46,826
I GOT SOMETHING
FOR YOU.

462
00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:49,529
HOW ABOUT I DO BOTH YOU GUYS,
HUH? RIGHT HERE.

463
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:51,264
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
[ LAUGHS ]

464
00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:52,765
TOO SHY FOR THAT.

465
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,301
OH, YOU'RE SHY?

466
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,903
THEN WHAT ABOUT WATCHING
A LITTLE GIRL-ON-GIRL?

467
00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:59,272
WHAT DO YOU SAY, SUGAR?
HUH?

468
00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:01,474
DO YOU WANT ME TO
SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU?!

469
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:03,810
COME HERE.
WHAT THE FUCK
IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

470
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:05,945
[ TIRES SCREECH ]

471
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,614
WHOA!

472
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:09,148
UH-OH.

473
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:12,619
THAT'S IT!
OUT OF THE VEHICLE!

474
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,521
YEAH,
GET THE FUCK OUT.

475
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:16,356
Hank: WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?!

476
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:17,790
AND YOU CAN'T COOK
FOR SHIT!

477
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:20,260
THAT DUCK BREAST WAS DRIER
THAN THE FREAKIN' MOJAVE,

478
00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:21,461
YOU GODDAMN LUNATIC!

479
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,763
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO THE FUCK
YOU'RE DEALING WITH, HUH?!

480
00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:25,698
CHLOE METZ!
YEAH. THAT'S WHO.

481
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:28,835
NUMBER 2 IN HOUSEHOLDS
ON THE GODDAMN COOKING CHANNEL

482
00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:33,206
IN HOMES ALL ACROSS FUCKING
AMERICA, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

483
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:34,407
Hank: CHLOE.
OH, NOT YOU, HANK.

484
00:19:34,441 --> 00:19:35,408
HEY! HEY!

485
00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:37,710
IS THAT HOW
YOU TREAT A LADY?!

486
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,815
[ LAUGHING ]
WHAT THE FUCK
YOU DOING?

487
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:45,652
YOU CAN'T JUST DUMP
HER OUT HERE IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

488
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,687
YEAH, SHE MIGHT
RAPE SOMEBODY.

489
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,256
STOP THE CAR.

490
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:51,524
SERIOUSLY, SAM, STOP
THIS PENIS-MOBILE THIS INSTANT.

491
00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:52,792
I'M GONNA GO BACK
FOR HER.

492
00:19:52,825 --> 00:19:53,760
WHY?

493
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,695
BECAUSE DESPITE ALL EVIDENCE
TO THE CONTRARY,

494
00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:57,797
I AM A GENTLEMAN --
YOU JUST DON'T DO THAT SHIT.

495
00:19:57,830 --> 00:20:00,300
THIS IS NOT "MOTLEY CRUE:
BEHIND THE MUSIC."

496
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:04,404
WHATEVER, DUDE.
LOOK, I GOT PLACES TO BE.

497
00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:07,307
GIVE SAM A CALL,
YOU NEED A LIFT BACK.

498
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,376
BUT JUST YOU. THAT
SCHIZOPHRENIC COOKING WHORE --

499
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:11,878
NOT GETTING BACK
IN THE FUCKING CAR, ALL RIGHT?

500
00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:12,912
YOU.

501
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,462
HEY, BABY.

502
00:20:29,496 --> 00:20:31,664
HOW'D IT GO?
YOU ROCK HER WORLD?

503
00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:34,000
IT WENT -- IT WENT GOOD,
IT WENT GOOD.

504
00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:35,001
YEAH, I, UH...

505
00:20:35,034 --> 00:20:37,270
I-I GOT DAISY
THE PART.

506
00:20:37,304 --> 00:20:40,573
OH, HELLS, YEAH!
YOU GOT DAISY THE PART.

507
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:42,775
'CAUSE THAT'S
HOW CHARLIE RUNKLE ROLLS.

508
00:20:42,809 --> 00:20:43,676
THERE'S A LITTLE HITCH.

509
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:45,512
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST --
IT'S A LITTLE ONE.

510
00:20:45,545 --> 00:20:46,646
UH...

511
00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,781
I, UH, I HAD --
YOU KNOW,

512
00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:52,485
I HAD -- I HAD TO -- I HAD TO
INVEST 50 GRAND IN HIS MOVIE.

513
00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:57,524
55.

514
00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:00,927
OR, ALL RIGHT, 60.

515
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,696
I HAD -- I HAD --
I HAD TO.

516
00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:04,964
[ SIGHS ]

517
00:21:04,997 --> 00:21:07,400
I HAD TO INVEST 100 GRAND
IN HIS MOVIE.

518
00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:12,271
WELL, FUCK
MY RUSTY SHERIFF'S BADGE.

519
00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:16,042
OKAY.
I-I'LL SEE YOU AT HOME.

520
00:21:23,816 --> 00:21:26,686
THINGS GOT A LITTLE CRAZY
BACK THERE, HUH?

521
00:21:26,719 --> 00:21:29,422
JUST YOUR AVERAGE,
TYPICAL, EVERYDAY WEDNESDAY.

522
00:21:29,456 --> 00:21:30,557
[ LAUGHS ]

523
00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:32,559
TUESDAY.

524
00:21:32,592 --> 00:21:34,794
[ LAUGHS ]

525
00:21:34,827 --> 00:21:38,831
SO, YOU HAVE A SIGNIFICANT OTHER
OF SOME KIND?

526
00:21:38,865 --> 00:21:41,434
ONCE UPON A TIME.

527
00:21:41,468 --> 00:21:43,069
AH.

528
00:21:43,102 --> 00:21:44,571
"AH"?

529
00:21:44,604 --> 00:21:45,405
[ LAUGHS ]

530
00:21:45,438 --> 00:21:47,507
WELL, YOU SCREW
LIKE YOU'RE TRYING

531
00:21:47,540 --> 00:21:49,676
TO GET SOMETHING
OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM.

532
00:21:49,709 --> 00:21:50,643
MM.

533
00:21:50,677 --> 00:21:53,380
MAN, IF YOU THREW DOWN
LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME,

534
00:21:53,413 --> 00:21:54,381
YOU'D BE DEAD.

535
00:21:54,414 --> 00:21:55,915
OR HAVE
A VERY SORE PEE-PEE.

536
00:21:55,948 --> 00:21:58,585
[ CHUCKLES ]

537
00:21:59,752 --> 00:22:01,020
KIDS?

538
00:22:01,053 --> 00:22:03,623
WHAT'S WITH
THE 20 QUESTIONS?

539
00:22:03,656 --> 00:22:06,092
UH...THEY WERE
TWO QUESTIONS.

540
00:22:06,125 --> 00:22:07,460
RIGHT.
SO?

541
00:22:07,494 --> 00:22:09,662
DAUGHTER.

542
00:22:09,696 --> 00:22:11,398
AND IT SCARES THE SHIT
OUT OF ME

543
00:22:11,431 --> 00:22:13,633
TO THINK THAT SHE MIGHT
END UP LIKE YOU.

544
00:22:13,666 --> 00:22:15,568
I MEAN,
N-N-NO OFFENSE,

545
00:22:15,602 --> 00:22:19,138
BUT, YOU KNOW, LETTING SOME GUY
ORDER YOU OFF THE TV

546
00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:21,007
LIKE YOU'RE
CHINESE TAKE-OUT.

547
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:23,042
IS THAT REALLY
WHAT IT'S COME TO MEAN

548
00:22:23,075 --> 00:22:24,911
TO BE A MEMBER
OF THE FAIRER SEX

549
00:22:24,944 --> 00:22:26,646
IN THE CITY OF ANGELS,
CIRCA 2008?

550
00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:29,682
FOR SOMEONE
AS ACCOMPLISHED AS YOU?

551
00:22:29,716 --> 00:22:32,351
YOU'RE
CHLOE FUCKIN' METZ.

552
00:22:35,888 --> 00:22:38,458
AH, FUCK IF I KNOW.

553
00:22:38,491 --> 00:22:42,429
I'M JUST GLAD
MY KID'S A BOY.

554
00:22:42,462 --> 00:22:43,830
ALL RIGHT.

555
00:22:43,863 --> 00:22:46,466
THAT'S
A GOOD-ENOUGH ANSWER.

556
00:22:47,734 --> 00:22:50,737
I WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED THAT
YOU JUST GAVE BIRTH, EITHER.

557
00:22:50,770 --> 00:22:52,138
YOU ARE...

558
00:22:52,171 --> 00:22:54,140
HOW DO I PUT THIS
DELICATELY?

559
00:22:54,173 --> 00:22:56,108
...TIGHT FOR A NEW MOM.

560
00:22:56,142 --> 00:22:58,010
[ LAUGHS ]

561
00:22:59,912 --> 00:23:01,080
YOU KNOW WHAT?
HM?

562
00:23:01,113 --> 00:23:03,750
I THINK THAT'S THE SWEETEST
THING ANYBODY'S EVER SAID TO ME.

563
00:23:03,783 --> 00:23:05,151
WELL, I'M NOT
JUST SAYING IT.

564
00:23:05,184 --> 00:23:06,786
YOU'RE LIKE
A NEWBORN KITTEN.

565
00:23:06,819 --> 00:23:08,488
FUCKIN'-A RIGHT I AM.

566
00:23:08,521 --> 00:23:11,791
N-NOT THAT I'VE EVER
FUCKED A NEWBORN KITTEN.

567
00:23:11,824 --> 00:23:13,793
WELL,
I WOULD HOPE NOT.

568
00:23:13,826 --> 00:23:16,195
I'M TAKING
AN IMAGINATIVE LEAP.

569
00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:18,931
I KEGEL WHEN I COOK.

570
00:23:18,965 --> 00:23:21,568
OKAY, WELL,
THAT'S REASON NUMBER 357

571
00:23:21,601 --> 00:23:25,037
TO TiVo THE SHIT
OUT OF "COOKING WITH CHLOE."

572
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,577
Chloe:
WELL, THERE'S MARIO.

573
00:23:30,610 --> 00:23:32,579
MM. YOU GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT?

574
00:23:32,612 --> 00:23:33,580
YEAH.

575
00:23:33,613 --> 00:23:35,448
YEAH, HE'S A PUSSYCAT.

576
00:23:35,482 --> 00:23:37,450
I'D HATE TO SEE HIM
WHEN HE GETS MAD.

577
00:23:37,484 --> 00:23:39,018
[ LAUGHS ]

578
00:23:46,826 --> 00:23:48,595
HEY, BABY.

579
00:23:48,628 --> 00:23:50,096
YOU OKAY?

580
00:23:55,201 --> 00:23:57,570
MARIO,
THIS IS HANK.

581
00:23:57,604 --> 00:23:59,706
PAISAN.

582
00:23:59,739 --> 00:24:01,841
YOU WANT A RIDE?

583
00:24:01,874 --> 00:24:03,743
UH, NO.
NO, NO, NO.

584
00:24:03,776 --> 00:24:06,212
YOU AND MARIO
GO BE TOGETHER.

585
00:24:24,030 --> 00:24:27,033
[ "DO YA" (ACOUSTIC) PLAYS ]

586
00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:33,740
* DO YA,
DO YA WANT MY LOVE? *

587
00:24:33,773 --> 00:24:37,710
* DO YA,
DO YA WANT MY FACE? *

588
00:24:37,744 --> 00:24:41,247
* DO YA,
DO YA WANT MY MIND? *

589
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:45,718
* DO YA,
DO YA WANT MY LOVE? *

590
00:24:45,752 --> 00:24:47,587
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]

591
00:24:47,620 --> 00:24:52,291
* IN THIS LIFE, I'VE SEEN
EVERYTHING I COULD SEE, WOMAN *

592
00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:56,028
* SEEN LOVERS FLYING
THROUGH THE AIR HAND IN HAND *

593
00:24:56,062 --> 00:24:57,597
HELLO?

594
00:24:57,630 --> 00:24:58,998
HEY.

595
00:24:59,031 --> 00:25:01,033
CAN I TALK TO HER?

596
00:25:01,067 --> 00:25:02,101
SHE'S OUT.

597
00:25:02,134 --> 00:25:04,070
Ohh.
Don't say it.

598
00:25:04,103 --> 00:25:05,137
ON A DATE.

599
00:25:05,171 --> 00:25:06,105
AH, SHIT.

600
00:25:06,138 --> 00:25:08,941
KICK A GUY WHILE HE'S DOWN,
WHY DON'T YOU?

601
00:25:08,975 --> 00:25:10,743
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S JUST THE MOVIES.

602
00:25:10,777 --> 00:25:12,879
I'M GONNA GO GET THEM
IN A COUPLE MINUTES.

603
00:25:12,912 --> 00:25:15,582
WELL, JUST, UM...

604
00:25:15,615 --> 00:25:18,084
YOU KNOW,
TELL HER TO HOLLA BACK.

605
00:25:18,117 --> 00:25:19,552
I WILL.

606
00:25:19,586 --> 00:25:21,087
HEY, UM...

607
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:23,222
YOU KNOW,
I WISH YOU'D SEEN HER.

608
00:25:23,255 --> 00:25:26,025
SHE LOOKED SO CUTE.
SHE WAS REALLY NERVOUS.

609
00:25:26,058 --> 00:25:26,859
YEAH.

610
00:25:26,893 --> 00:25:29,862
WHAT SHADE OF BLACK
DID SHE GO WITH?

611
00:25:29,896 --> 00:25:32,231
OH, DON'T WORRY.
SHE LOOKED BEAUTIFUL.

612
00:25:32,264 --> 00:25:33,332
I'm sure she did.

613
00:25:33,365 --> 00:25:35,935
SHE TAKES AFTER HER MOTHER
THAT WAY.

614
00:25:35,968 --> 00:25:39,305
OH, SOMEONE'S SOUNDING
LONELY TONIGHT.

615
00:25:39,338 --> 00:25:40,640
ALWAYS.

616
00:25:42,108 --> 00:25:44,043
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

617
00:25:44,076 --> 00:25:46,078
MM...

618
00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:52,318
NOTHING.
JUST, UM...READING.

619
00:25:52,351 --> 00:25:54,787
WELL, SLEEP TIGHT.

620
00:25:55,922 --> 00:25:57,289
YOU TOO.

621
00:25:59,659 --> 00:26:02,729
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS,
CLICKS SHUT ]

622
00:26:04,096 --> 00:26:08,134
* DO YA,
DO YA WANT MY LOVE? *

623
00:26:08,167 --> 00:26:11,871
* DO YA,
DO YA WANT MY FAITH? *

624
00:26:11,904 --> 00:26:15,307
* DO YA,
DO YA WANT MY LOVE? *

625
00:26:17,744 --> 00:26:19,612
* 'CAUSE I

626
00:26:22,014 --> 00:26:26,252
* NEVER FELT NOTHIN' LIKE YOU

627
00:26:26,285 --> 00:26:29,255
-- Captions by VITAC --
www.vitac.com

628
00:26:29,288 --> 00:26:32,258
CLOSED CAPTIONING PROVIDED BY
SHOWTIME NETWORKS

629
00:26:32,291 --> 00:26:35,261
AND BLIND DECKER PRODUCTIONS

630
00:26:35,294 --> 00:26:38,998
* WELL, I HEARD THE CROWD
SINGIN' OUT OF TUNE *

631
00:26:39,031 --> 00:26:43,369
* AS THEY SAT AND SANG
"AULD LANG SYNE" BY THE MOON *

632
00:26:43,402 --> 00:26:47,273
* HEARD PREACHERS
BANGIN' ON THEIR DRUMS *

633
00:26:47,306 --> 00:26:51,744
* HEARD COPS
PLAYIN' WITH THEIR GUNS *

634
00:26:51,778 --> 00:26:53,680
* BUT I

635
00:26:56,115 --> 00:27:00,887
* NEVER FELT NOTHIN' LIKE YOU