- [gasps]
PREVIOUSLY ON CALIFORNICATION...
THIS BETTER NOT BE AN INTERVENTION.
- YOU GOTTA GET YOUR ASS TO REHAB.
- WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHY ARE YOU WASTING ALL OF OUR TIME?
MAYBE YOU'RE JUST AN ASSHOLE.
- YOUR FRIEND CHARLIE SAID YOU DRANK YOUR OWN URINE.
- HANK MOODY.
- IS THAT ATTICUS FETCH?
- LET'S MAKE A FUCKIN' MASTERPIECE.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- [retches]
- [whimpers]
- ARE YOU HIGH RIGHT NOW?
- [laughs]
IT WAS SUCH AN INCREDIBLE OPPORTUNITY,
I DIDN'T WANT TO MISS OUT. - WHEN CAN YOU START?
- I HAVE THE JOB?
- WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE REAL WORLD?
- I TRAVERSE THE GLOBE IN THE COMPANY OF MUSICIANS.
- YOU'RE A GROUPIE. - I PREFER "MUSE."
I WOKE UP WITH THE MOST GIFTED GUITAR PLAYER, BUT HE WAS DEAD.
- DO YOU WANT TO GET HIGH?
[rock music]
*
- LOOK, COULD I STAND TO LOSE A FEW POUNDS?
SURE, I'M A BIG BOY, I GET IT,
BUT ADDICTED TO FOOD? THAT'S JUST FUCKIN' GAY.
GAY, MAN--I MEAN, NO OFFENSE, BUT IT'S GAY.
I EAT 'CAUSE I LIKE THE TASTE.
LOOK, IF I DIDN'T LIKE THE TASTE OF IT, I WOULDN'T EAT IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT, SWEETHEART, RIGHT? HUH?
- BUT WASN'T A TRIP TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM
WHAT BROUGHT YOU HERE? SEVERE CHEST PAINS?
- BULLSHIT. - BULLSHIT.
- THAT WAS A PANIC ATTACK, NOT A HEART ATTACK.
IT WAS A PANIC ATTACK BROUGHT ON BY THAT SHRILL VOICE
OF THAT FUCKIN' MOTHER OF MINE.
"OH, YOU'RE TOO FAT, TEDDY. YOU'RE GONNA DIE.
"YOU'RE TOO FUCKIN' FAT TO DO ANYTHING, TEDDY.
YOU'RE TOO FAT TO WORK THE SNOWBLOWER."
FUCK HER. SHE'S THE REASON I'M IN HERE, YOU UNDERSTAND?
THEY TOOK AN EKG ON ME, ALL RIGHT?
I GOT THE HEART OF A TEENAGER.
- [laughs]
A MORBIDLY OBESE TEENAGER.
- [mocking laugh] - [laughs] COME ON.
DON'T BE SO SENSITIVE.
- FAITH?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
IT'S TIME TO GET REAL.
SHARE WITH US.
- WELL, UM,
AS MANY OF YOU KNOW... - [coughs]
- THE OTHER DAY I WOKE UP NEXT TO A GUY
I WAS PRETTY FUCKING FOND OF, AND HE WAS DEAD.
SO TEARS WERE SHED, BOOS WERE FUCKIN' HOO'D,
AND IT SUCKS TO BE ME.
- AND THAT LED TO THE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.
- NO, NOT REALLY.
UM, BEEN ON PRETTY GOOD TERMS WITH DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.
- HALLELUJAH! PREACH ON, SISTER.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK, FAITH?
I THINK YOU NEED TO GO AND SAY GOOD-BYE TO THIS MAN.
- TOO LATE. FUNERAL'S HAPPENING AS WE SPEAK.
- WELL, THEN YOU SHOULD BE THERE.
- THAT WOULD BE A PRETTY SERIOUS BREACH OF GROUPIE ETIQUETTE.
- YEAH, WELL, NOT HEALING THYSELF,
THAT'S A SERIOUS BREACH OF HUMAN ETIQUETTE.
- BIBLES OF TRUTH, GABE. AS-SALAAM ALAIKUM, MY BROTHER!
- [laughs]
"AS-ALAIKA MALA." [laughs]
[coughs] I'M SORRY. - [laughs]
- YOU SHOULD GO, FAITH. PAY YOUR RESPECTS. SAY GOOD-BYE.
THE WEIGHT, IT WILL LIFT OFF YOUR CHEST
AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SOAR AGAIN.
- THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD, IT REALLY IS,
BUT I CAN'T JUST SHOW UP THERE ALL ALONE. [laughs] I C--
I MEAN, THE CHICK WHO ROLLS UP SOLO TO A FUNERAL
IS USUALLY THE ONE WHO WAS FUCKING THE DEAD GUY.
- HEY, THE ANSWER IS YES, SWEETHEART.
I'LL BE YOUR DATE, ANY TIME. HERE'S THE THING, THOUGH,
CAN WE STOP BY AN IN-N-OUT BURGER ON THE WAY?
I'M FUCKING FAMISHED. [laughs]
- HANK? - YES, GABE?
- I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD GO WITH FAITH.
- OH, GOSH.
I WOULD TOTALLY LOVE TO, BUT, UH,
FUNERALS KINDA BUM ME OUT. - YEAH.
WELL, I THINK IT WOULD BE A GOOD TEST FOR YOU
TO GO OUT INTO THE REAL WORLD, SEE IF YOU CAN STAY SOBER.
- OH, I DON'T SEE WHY I WOULD.
- YEAH. WELL, I THINK YOU SHOULD TRY.
- TELL ME THE TRUTH, GABE. YOU JUST WANT ME
OUT OF YOUR HAIR FOR THE DAY, IS THAT RIGHT?
- YES.
- THAT SHIT IS COLD.
I'M JUST SAYIN'.
AH, FUCK STICKS. I GUESS A FIELD TRIP
DOES SOUND KINDA GOOD TO ME RIGHT ABOUT NOW. OKAY.
CAN I BRING ANYTHING BACK FOR YOU DAMAGED FUCKERS?
SOME COKE? SOME HEROIN? SOME, UH, PINK DOT?
- YEAH, IF YOU GO TO PINK DOT,
GET ME SOME BON BONS OR A DOUBLE DOG, OR SO--
AND DON'T TEASE ME, PRETTY BOY.
I'LL FUCKIN' LAY YOU OUT, RIGHT?
[upbeat music]
*
[moaning from the TV]
- NOTHING.
MAN-ON-MAN SEX IS INTRIGUING, YES, BUT NOT AROUSING.
THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.
[yells]
[groans in frustration]
[sighs] - IT'S--IT'S--
IT'S OKAY, CHARLIE.
IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN SOONER OR LATER, BUDDY.
IT'S OKAY, I-I SUPPORT YOU. IN FACT, I AM PROUD OF YOU.
- NO, HANK, NO! I WAS JUST-- I WAS TESTING MYSELF,
'CAUSE I'M IN A PICKLE, HANK. IT'S A BIG, GAY PICKLE.
- I'M SURE IT IS, MY BALD BROMOSEXUAL,
AND I SUPPORT YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY DUDES YOU PLOW.
I JUST GOTTA GRAB A SUIT.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT OF REHAB?
- I GOT A FUNERAL.
- WHAT? WHO DIED?
- A GUY I WAS SEEING.
- FAITH, CHARLIE. CHARLIE, FAITH.
CHARLIE IS MY BALD, GAY AGENT.
- LOVELY TO MEET YOU, FAITH. I'M TRULY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.
I'M NOT GAY. IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?
- NO. THANK YOU, CHARLIE. THAT'S VERY SWEET.
IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY. - OH?
GAY MEN ARE MORE SENSITIVE.
- GONNA NEED THE PORSCHE TOO.
- BUT I'VE GOT A BIG, GAY MEETING TODAY.
- I BELIEVE FUNERAL TRUMPS BIG, GAY HOLLYWOOD MEETING,
DON'T YOU THINK? - OH, DEPENDS WHOSE FUNERAL,
I THINK. - DEAD ROCK STAR.
- OH, OKAY, YEAH. SORRY. TAKE THE CAR.
- THANKS, CHARLIE.
NOW YOU CAN GET BACK TO YOUR GAY PORN.
[moaning] - OH, YEAH. OH.
[moaning]
[hard rock music]
*
- HEY. - HEY.
- IS KRULL AROUND?
- UH, THAT DEPENDS. ARE YOU ON THE LIST?
- MOST DEFINITELY NOT, MY GOOD SIR, BUT, UH,
KRULL, THE TOUR MANAGER SHOULD BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
HE'LL VOUCH FOR ME. - UM, SURE, SURE,
BUT MAYBE I CAN VOUCH FOR YOU.
MAYBE WE CAN MAKE THIS WHOLE THING BENEFICIAL FOR BOTH OF US.
I MEAN, I WANT TO GET IT IN, YOU WANT IN,
HOW BAD YOU WANT IT? TALK TO ME.
- REALLY, DUDE? AT A FUNERAL? HAVE YOU NO SHAME?
WHAT, ARE WE GONNA GO BEHIND A TOMBSTONE?
YOU BELIEVE THIS FUCKIN' GUY?
- I'M NOT GONNA SUCK HIS DICK TO GET YOU IN THERE.
- DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU TRY IT.
BLOWJOBS OPEN A LOT OF DOORS.
- BITCH. - OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
MOVE IT ALONG, GROUPIE, AND TAKE HIM WITH YOU.
- YOU WATCH YOUR TONGUE, YOU FILTHY MONGREL.
THIS IS FAITH. ALL RIGHT?
HAVE A LOOK AND GRASP THE COSMIC IMPORTANCE
OF THIS LOVELY, YOUNG LADY.
WITHOUT HER THERE'D BE NO ROCK AND ROLL.
GET IT? GOT IT?
GOOD, NOW, FUCK OFF, FATTY.
- [laughs]
KRULL, COME HERE. MWAH.
THANK YOU, YOU'RE THE BEST.
- ANYTHING FOR YOU, LOVE. WHO'S THE CIVILIAN?
- HANK. KRULL, HANK.
- KRULL. RIGHT ON.
GOOD TO MEET YOU. - [chuckles]
- ONE DEAD ROCK STAR,
NOW WE'RE DATING GEEZERS FROM THE REAL WORLD?
- DOES HE LOOK LIKE HE'S FROM THE REAL WORLD?
AND DO I LOOK LIKE I DATE? HE'S A FRIEND.
- FRENEMY, REALLY.
- YEAH.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, LOVE? YOU'RE NOT PLAYING NICE.
- I JUST CAME TO PAY MY RESPECTS.
- I LOVE YOU, BABE, I REALLY DO, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IT'S INAPPROPRIATE, YOU BEIN' HERE.
IT'S HIS OLD LADY.
- COME ON, KRULL, I'LL BE IN AND OUT.
NO MONKEY BUSINESS, I PROMISE. PLEASE, DON'T MAKE ME BEG.
- YOU PROMISE.
- SCOUT'S HONOR.
- ALL RIGHT.
KRULLER, COMIN' THROUGH. - NOT YOU, PAL.
NOT YOU, PAL. - ALL RIGHT, NO PLUS ONE.
UH-UHH. MM. - GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.
- AH, HELLO, HELLO. MM.
- [laughs] - AH, KISS ON THE HEAD. AH.
- GOTTA SAY, CHARLIE, I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL
ABOUT MY NEW AGENT SHOWING UP IN A CAB.
- SORRY, SORRY. THE PORSCHE IS IN THE SHOP.
- DON'T WORRY, ROBBIE, CHARLIE'S GONNA GET A BIG RAISE.
HE'LL BE ABLE TO AFFORD A SECOND CAR.
- I'M GETTING A RAISE? - YOU BET, BUDDY.
PARTNERS TALKED ABOUT IT. YOU'RE GOIN' PLACES, DOROTHY.
- CHARLIE, I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.
- YEAH, WHAT'S THAT?
- HOW MANY DICKS HAVE YOU SUCKED TODAY?
- [laughs]
UH, SADLY, IT HAS BEEN A DICK-FREE DAY THUS FAR.
- [clicks tongue] CHARLIE. DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.
HAVE YOU TRIED GRINDR? - MM, I DON'T BELIEVE I HAVE.
- OOH, YOU'D KNOW. - [chuckles]
- IT'S AN APP. HERE, GIVE ME YOUR PHONE.
- IT'S AMAZING, CHARLIE. IT USES YOUR GPS.
ANYWHERE YOU ARE, YOU CAN FIND A GUY WHO'S READY TO FUCK.
- WOW. STEVE JOBS. RESPECT.
- THERE YOU GO. YOU'RE ALL SET. YOU'RE THE "BALD BEAR."
- [laughs] GREAT.
OKAY, [clears throat] ROBBIE.
YOU'RE CLEAN, YOU'RE SOBER,
LET'S GET YOU BACK IN THE GAME, HUH?
LET'S REMIND THIS TOWN HOW FUCKING GOOD YOU REALLY ARE.
ALL RIGHT, I GOT THREE SCRIPTS HERE.
ANY ONE OF 'EM WOULD BE A KILLER MOVE.
THIS ONE, A REMAKE OF CRUISING.
- THAT'S AN INTERESTING IDEA.
- IT'S A FUCKING HOT IDEA IS WHAT IT IS.
SCRIPT GAVE ME A RAGING BONER.
- ME TOO. [laughter]
- OH, THERE YOU GO. YOUR FIRST DICK OF THE DAY.
- HUH? WHAT?
- GO FOR IT. YOU DESERVE IT.
- OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD, YEAH. SEE,
I JUST BEAT OFF THIS MORNING.
YEAH, SHOULD CARRY ME RIGHT THROUGH LUNCH.
- CHARLIE, WOULD YOU RATHER BEAT OFF
OR GET YOUR DICK SUCKED BY A 21-YEAR-OLD
WHO JUST SKIPPED OUT OF CRUNCH?
- I SEE YOUR POINT. - CHARLIE, I INSIST.
- THE CLIENT INSISTS, CHARLIE.
NOW GO GET YOUR DICK SUCKED BY A STRANGER.
- MISS YOU, BROHEME.
I GOT THE FEELING THIS IS THE KIND OF SHINDIG
YOU WOULD DIG, YOU KNOW?
- [hiccups] - OOH. HOWDY.
- HOWDY YOURSELF. I'M THE WIDOW.
- OH, SHITNESS. MY CONDOLIES, AND WHATNOT. I'M HANK.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW MY HUSBAND?
- OH, I-I DIDN'T. I DIDN'T, I'M--I'M HERE WITH A FRIEND,
AND VISITING WITH ANOTHER FRIEND.
- YOU YOU KNOW WHAT THE WEIRD THING IS, FRANK?
- UH, HANK.
- MY HUSBAND'S DEAD AND I'M NUMB.
- IT'S NOT SO WEIRD. - I JUST WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING,
YOU KNOW? ANYTHING. - YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT'S--
IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.
I-I'M GOING THROUGH A SIMILAR THING RIGHT NOW.
- I-I-I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND-- - SHUT UP!
YOU'LL DO.
- UH, [chuckles] - [laughs]
HAVE YOU GOT A FEW MINUTES, FRANK?
- WELL-- - 'CAUSE I'D REALLY LOVE
TO GOB YOUR KNOB.
- WELL, ANYTHING IN YOUR TIME OF NEED. COME ON.
- [laughs]
MM.
[zipper zips] - LOOK AT THIS. 'ELLO.
BRILLIANT.
- HEY.
- OH, HEY, UH, COULD YOU, UH,
COULD YOU--COULD YOU GIVE US A FEW MINUTES HERE?
- [laughs] OH, WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?
- CAN YOU GIVE ME A FEW MINUTES?
- ALL RIGHT, IT'S YOUR FIELD TRIP TOO.
- COME HERE. COME ON-- COME HERE, COME HERE.
[straining] OH. - WHAT? OH.
- IT WAS--IT WAS VERY NICE TO MEET YOU...
- SO NICE TO MEET YOU. BRILLIANT.
- AND I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.
- NOT AS SORRY AS I AM, MY LOVE.
- MM, APPARENTLY, HE IS NOT AS SORRY AS I AM.
- YOU.
- ME?
- YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.
- I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET.
- NO, I DON'T BELIEVE WE HAVE.
YOU WERE ON THE ROAD WITH HIM, WEREN'T YOU?
- OH, YOU MEAN BIG DAVE IN LIGHTING?
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, BINGO STARR.
- OH, GIMME A BREAK.
YOU'RE WAY TOO HOT FOR THE LIGHTING GUY.
- WELL, THANK YOU.
- NO, I RE-- I REMEMBER YOU.
I REMEMBER, THE RECORD COMPANY THREW SOME KIND OF A PARTY.
WAS IT GREENVILLE? MAYBE, I DON'T REMEMBER,
BUT YOU WERE SORT OF HANGIN' AROUND.
THERE WAS ENTIRELY WAY TOO MUCH EYE CONTACT
BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU. HUH? - LISTEN, LADY,
I-I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
- HE WAS NEVER GONNA LEAVE ME, YOU KNOW. EVER.
- WELL, WASN'T GONNA WRITE A SONG ABOUT YOU, EITHER.
- OH, IS THAT WHAT HE TOLD YOU? THAT HE WROTE A SONG ABOUT YOU?
HA! HOW CUTE!
WHAT WAS THAT BALLAD FROM THE JAZZ RECORD, FRANK? HELP ME.
- I--I NEVER LISTEN TO A--
- WHAT WAS IT? UM, FAITH?
[chuckles] I BET YOU THINK THAT SONG'S ABOUT YOU, DON'T YOU?
- GUESS I'M JUST THAT VAIN. - HUH.
- FAITH.
- OH, BOY. - HEY,
LISTEN, [laughs] IT'S ALL JUST ROCK AND ROLL, RIGHT?
- YOU THINK I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ALL HIS ROAD WHORES?
I'M THE ONE HE CAME HOME TO.
- THOUGHT THEY HAD AN UNDERSTANDING.
- [hisses] - SORRY, I JUST--
- I MAY NOT BE A NUN, BUT I'M NO WHORE.
- HA! KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT, SWEETIE.
AND BY THE WAY, OUR BULLDOG'S NAMED FAITH.
- OOH.
YOU KNOW, ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, THAT COULD'VE GONE A LOT WORSE.
- FUCK!
GOD, YOU KNOW, THE LAST THING I WANTED TO DO WAS UPSET HER,
AND... - MM-HMM, I KNOW.
I MEAN, JUST SEEING HIM ALL LAID OUT LIKE THAT,
IT'S JUST TOO MUCH, YOU KNOW? - MM.
HE EVEN HAD ON HIS NECKLACE.
HIS CROSS.
IT WAS MY FAVORITE, AND HE KNEW IT.
HE GAVE IT TO ME THE NIGHT BEFORE HE DIED.
I GOT RUSHED OUT OF THERE, I DIDN'T EVEN THINK
TO TAKE IT WITH ME, AND NOW IT'S GONE FOREVER.
- THAT'S--THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH THIS OPEN CASKET SHIT.
IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS SEEING A DEAD PERSON A GOOD THING?
- SHIT'S FUCKED UP. [laughter]
[sniffles] [geese honking]
COME ON, LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE.
[geese honking] - OH, BACK TO REHAB, REALLY?
- NO, I NEED A DRINK, MAYBE TEN. THEN BACK TO REHAB.
- HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - SOMETHING IDIOTIC, I'M SURE.
IF I'M NOT BACK IN TEN MINUTES, BLOW SOMEONE TO FIND ME.
[techno music]
*
- [chuckles] RIGHT ON, BALD BEAR.
[chuckles] LET'S DO THIS.
- HO, HO, HO, HOLD ON A SECOND.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
I'M NOT REALLY A HOMOSEXUAL MAN.
- [laughs]
SO YOU WANNA PLAY THIS STRAIGHT? THAT'S YOUR GAME?
WHATEVER, DUDE, I JUST WANNA GET MY DICK SUCKED.
- AS YOU SHOULD. I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND, AND YOU'RE ENTITLED.
I'M PRO-GAY. I'M PRO-SEXUALITY IN ANY FORM--ANY FORM,
AND I REALLY RESPECT AND ADMIRE
THE WAY YOU GUYS ARE USING TECHNOLOGY
TO GET YOUR ROCKS OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY,
BUT ME, MYSELF, I'M NOT GAY.
[laughing] I JUST-- I GOT MYSELF IN THE MIDDLE
OF A HUGE MISUNDERSTANDING. HU-U-UGE.
- [laughs] "MISUNDERSTANDING." - DON'T--NO, NO, NO.
- DON'T DO THAT. YES, I SORT OF
LED A PROSPECTIVE CLIENT TO BELIEVE I WAS GAY,
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR IN AN AGENT.
HE WANTED A "GAYGENT."
- SO YOU'RE PRETENDING TO BE GAY FOR CAREER ADVANCEMENT?
THAT'S REALLY OFFENSIVE, DUDE.
ROBBIE MAC IS A BRAVE MAN.
HE'S ONE OF THE FIRST FULLY-OUT MOVIE STARS.
- I KNOW. HE'S INCREDIBLE. A REAL TRAILBLAZER.
- WHAT IF I MARCHED OUT THERE
AND TOLD HIM WHAT YOU JUST TOLD ME?
- WHAT IF I PAID YOU NOT TO?
- FORGIVE ME, FATHER, FOR I AM ABOUT TO
PURLOIN SOME SHIT OFF A DEAD MAN.
[sobs]
[grunts, sobs]
[sobbing]
[grunts]
[sobs]
- WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
- UH, I'M JUST PAYING RESPECTS TO A FALLEN HERO.
- YOU KISSED HIM.
- YEAH, I-I WAS OVERCOME WITH EMOTION.
- HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND. A CHILDHOOD MATE.
IF ANYONE'S GONNA PLANT LIPS ON HIM, IT SHOULD BE ME,
OR HIS WIFE.
- YEAH, YOU--YOU'RE RIGHT, IT WAS A MISCALCULATION.
- WAIT A SECOND.
YOU'RE THAT CHEEKY FUCKER WHO THREW UP ALL OVER MY BABY GRAND
AND RUINED MY COCAINE. THE--THE WRITER.
- HEY, NICE-- - WHO'S NOT A FAN OF MINE.
- WELL.
- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I-I'M A BIG FAN.
BIG FAN OF-- - OH, SO YOU'RE A FAN OF HIS,
BUT NOT OF MINE? - HE'S A BRILLIANT
FUCKING GUITAR PLAYER.
- OH, AND I'M NOT BRILLIANT IN MY OWN REGARD?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO BE A FRONT MAN?
THE--THE PRESSURE THAT'S ON ME
TO ENTERTAIN MILLIONS OF WORKING-CLASS CITIZENS
AND CONSTANTLY REINVENT MYSELF AND MAINTAIN MY BEAUTIFUL--
- EVERYTHING OKAY? - YEAH, IT'S PEACHY.
IT'S PEACHY. - THIS ARROGANT FUCKING WANKER
IS TRYING TO BUGGER OUR DEAD FRIEND.
- WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD BUGGER HIM.
- NO, I DON'T THINK ANYBODY SHOULD BUGGER ANYBODY.
- YEAH. - COME ON, NOW. COME ON, BOYS,
BOYS, THIS IS REALLY MY FAULT.
HE WAS JUST TRYING TO GET MY NECKLACE BACK.
- YOU--YOU'RE STEALING FROM A DEAD MAN?
- NO-- - TECHNICALLY, YES--
- TONY GAVE IT TO ME, OKAY?
IT'S THE ONLY THING HE EVER GAVE ME.
- FAITH, YOU NEED TO HIT THE ROAD, LOVE.
- WAIT A SECOND. THIS IS FAITH?
- YES.
- IT IS A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, SWEETHEART.
TONY TALKED ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME.
- OH!
- HE SAID YOU HAD AN UNCANNY ABILITY
TO SUCK KILLER RIFFS OUT OF HIM. - AH!
- WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SKANKY SKANK STILL DOING HERE?
- I WAS JUST LEAVING. - ALL RIGHT, YEAH.
- GOOD! NO, HE CAN STAY.
- OH, LADIES, LADIES-- - HE CAN STAY.
- IT'S BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF YOU.
- I THINK SHE SHOULD PROBABLY STAY TOO.
- UH, IF SHE INSISTS ON STAYING,
THEN I INSIST ON KICKING HER IN THE FUCKING CUNT!
[overlapping chatter]
- OH, THE FUCKING CUNT! - THAT'S ENOUGH.
- [whimpers]
[crowd gasps] - I'LL KILL YOU!
I'LL KILL YOU!
[struggling]
- OH. [crowd ohs]
- [screams] OH, NO! MY HAIR!
STOP IT! STOP IT! NO!
- COME ON, IT'S TIME. - NO!
- IT'S TIME.
[organ fanfare]
- HELLO, LOS ANGELES!
IF YOU'RE SEEING ME IN THIS BADASS HOLOGRAPHIC FORM,
THAT MEANS I MUST BE DEAD,
WHICH TOTALLY SUCKS FOR ME,
BUT I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOU GOOD PEOPLE
FEELING SORRY FOR ME. I'VE HAD A GREAT FUCKING LIFE.
I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL
FOR COMING OUT TO CELEBRATE MY UNTIMELY DEMISE.
I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS...
[rock chord]
[cheers and applause]
[guitar soloing] [cheers and applause]
*
[cheers and applause]
- COME HERE, BABY. - [sobs]
- COME HERE. [kisses]
I'M SORRY I WAS SUCH A BITCH.
- NO, GOD, I'M SO SORRY I FUCKED YOUR HUSBAND.
- [sniffs] HEY.
IT'S ROCK AND ROLL, RIGHT?
- YEAH, YEAH. [sobs]
- OH.
- IT'S NOT THE DOPE TALKING,
BUT I STILL REALLY DIG YOUR WRITING, MAN.
- THANK YOU.
YEAH, THANKS.
- YOU REALLY GOTTA CHECK OUT SOME OF MY EARLIER STUFF.
THERE'S SOME GOOD SHIT ON THERE.
BEFORE EVERYTHING GOT SO FUCKING POLISHED.
FUCKING PRO TOOLS.
[piano chord]
THAT DEAD MAN THERE WAS MY BEST FRIEND.
WE MET WHEN WE WERE FIVE YEARS OLD.
[piano chords]
WE USED TO GO AROUND TO HIS MUM AND DAD'S AFTER SCHOOL
AND WEAR OUT THEIR COPY OF EXILE ON MAIN STREET.
ONE DAY HE SHOWED ME HIS PENIS.
IT WAS ALARMINGLY BIG FOR A FIVE-YEAR-OLD.
[piano chords]
HE TOLD ME WHEN HE GREW UP
HE WANTED TO BE A ROCK AND ROLL STAR,
AND BUGGER ME IF HE DIDN'T GROW UP AND DO JUST THAT.
[piano chords]
SO BEFORE WE PUT THAT FUCKER IN THE GROUND,
I'D LIKE TO PLAY YOU ONE OF HIS FAVORITE SONGS.
AFTER THAT, YOU'RE ALL INVITED BACK TO MY PLACE.
WE'LL CONSUME NARCOTICS, AND LISTEN TO EXILE, AND...
GET OUR PENISES OUT IN HONOR OF OUR FALLEN COMRADE.
[The Rolling Stones' Shine A Light]
- * SAW YOU STRETCHED OUT IN ROOM 1009 *
* WITH A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND A TEAR RIGHT IN YOUR EYE *
* WHOA-OH-OH, COULDN'T SEEM TO GET A LINE ON YOU *
* MY SWEET HONEY LOVE
*
* MAY THE GOOD LORD SHINE A LIGHT ON YOU *
[clapping along]
* MAKE EVERY SONG YOU SING... *
[fades into recorded Rolling Stones version]
- * YOUR FAVORITE TUNE
* MAY THE GOOD LORD SHINE A LIGHT ON YOU *
- YOU DON'T SEEM NEARLY AS FUCKED-UP
AS EVERYBODY ELSE HERE.
- I WAS TEMPTED TO PARTAKE, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE
THE KIND OF NIGHT WHERE YOU NEED TO FEEL EVERYTHING.
EVEN IF IT HURTS SO BAD YOU WANT TO TEAR YOUR FUCKING SKIN OFF.
- MM. I HEAR THAT, PRETTY LADY.
OH, SHIT, I ALMOST FORGOT.
[hums]
- [sighs]
THIS MEANS SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
SO WHAT NOW? BACK TO REHAB?
- YEAH. - YEAH?
- JUST TO PICK UP MY STUFF.
I THINK IT'S TIME TO COME BACK TO LIFE.
- MM. - ROAD BECKONS.
ANOTHER PROJECT AWAITS. - REALLY? PROJECT?
- YEAH. THEY'RE MY PROJECTS.
YEAH, I SEE A SPARK, A FLASH OF TRUE GENIUS,
AND I HAVE TO HELP. - MM.
- I WANT THEM TO BE THE VERY BEST THEY CAN BE.
- YOU SOUND LIKE QUITE THE PATRON OF THE ARTS.
- IT'S WHAT I DO. HMM. HOW 'BOUT YOURSELF?
- WHAT ABOUT ME?
- WHAT'S NEXT?
- OH, I SUPPOSE I SHOULD WRITE SOMETHING.
SIT MY ASS IN A CHAIR. THE CHAIR BECKONS.
- GOOD FOR YOU.
- RIGHT, 'CAUSE IT'S JUST THAT EASY.
- HAVE A LITTLE FAITH, HANK.
- * WARM LIKE THE EVENING SUN *
* [vocalizing]
* YEAH
*
- HANK MOODY, GET UP OFF YOUR ASS AND COME WITH ME.
I'M GONNA PLAY YOU THE GREATEST SONG EVER WRITTEN
IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE.
AFTER WHICH, WE SHALL SNORT COCAINE
AND HAVE OUR ASSHOLES TONGUED BY THE ANGELS.
*
[doorbell ringing]
- [gasps] OKAY, HI.
- GOOD MORNING, GORGEOUS.
- UM... - YES, PLEASE. I'D LOVE SOME.
- SOME WHAT?
- SOME OF YOUR DELICIOUS GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.
- NO, I'M NOT THAT.
I'M--I'M HERE TO SEE NATALIE. YEAH.
- NATALIE, NATALIE.
AH, NATALIE'S MY WIFE. - OH.
- NATALIE TOOK THE CHILDREN TO SCHOOL.
NATALIE SAID, "LET THE NEW DESIGNER IN."
- TH--THAT'S ME. IT'S--
- WHAT NATALIE FAILED TO SAY
IS HOW ABSOLUTELY FUCKING SMOKINGLY GORGEOUS YOU ARE.
- I'M GONNA GO, AND THEN-- - YOU'RE GONNA COME IN.
I'M INCREDIBLY INTERESTED IN WHAT YOUR PLANS ARE
FOR THE INTERIOR OF MY HOME.
- UM, COULD-- COULD YOU PUT SOME CLOTHES ON?
- WHY WOULD I PUT SOME CLOTHES ON?
THIS IS THE WAY THE BABY JESUS MADE ME.
- THAT'S NICE. UH--
- I'M JOKING. COME ON, I'LL DIG UP SOME TROUSERS.
- ARE YOU A FAN OF MINE? AS I AM OF YOURS?
- UM, YOU COULD-- UH, I--I DON'T KNOW. UH...
[Father John Misty's Hollywood Forever Cemetery Sings]
*
- YOU ATTACHED?
- EXCUSE ME?
- ARE YOU SPOKEN FOR? DO YOU HAVE A LOVER?
OR MANY LOVERS?
THERE ARE NO WRONG ANSWERS HERE, ONLY AROUSING ONES.
- MM.
- [laughs] YOU KNOW THAT FUCKER?
- OH, YEAH. I KNOW THIS FUCKER.
THIS FUCKER IS SUPPOSED TO BE IN REHAB RIGHT NOW.
- THAT FUCKER WAS ABOUT A MILLION MILES AWAY
FROM REHAB LAST NIGHT.
WE SHARED AN EIGHT BALL, AMONG OTHER THINGS.
WE SPOKE OF HOPES AND DREAMS, OF WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW.
I PLAYED HIM A SONG INSPIRED BY HIS "MAGNUS OPUM,"
A SONG ABOUT THE HEALING POWER OF SEX AND LOVE
AND ROCK AND ROLL. HE SAID IT SOUNDED
LIKE A PIT BULL RAPING A SMALL, DEAF CHILD.
I DON'T THINK HE MEANT IT
AS A COMPLIMENT! [kicking sound]
- NO, HE CAN BE A TOUGH CRITIC THAT WAY.
- OW. OW, STOP KICKING ME.
WHA--?
KAREN, WHAT THE FUCK?
- HEY, YOU STOLE MY LINE.
- NO, THEN IT MUST BE A SIGN.
IT APPEARS THAT I'VE HAD A RELAPSE OF SOME SORT.
I'VE BEEN TESTED AND FOUND SEVERELY LACKING,
AND I SHOULD PROBABLY GO BACK TO REHAB POSTHASTE.
YOU THINK MAYBE YOU CAN-- YOU CAN GIVE ME A RIDE?
PROBABLY GET MYSELF--
OH, WELL, MAYBE-- MAYBE JUST A FEW MORE WINKS.
I WAS HAVING THE NICEST DREAM.
I WAS ON A BEACH SOMEWHERE WITH YOU
AND GOD WAS MARRYING US, AND YOU TURNED INTO A MERMAID,
AND I COULDN'T FIND YOUR VAGINA,
AND YOUR HAIR WAS COVERING YOUR BREASTS,
WHICH WAS KIND OF PISSING ME OFF,
AND THEN SOMEONE WAS KICKING ME.
- HE'S FINE.
IT'S COCAINE-INDUCED DEMENTIA, THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
HE JUST NEEDS HIS BEAUTY SLEEP.
IN THE MEANTIME, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR A SONG
THAT I PENNED ABOUT THE PROBLEMS IN THE SUDAN?
I'D REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR TAKE.
- * YOU CAME, I THINK *
* 'CAUSE THE MARBLE MADE MY CHEEKS LOOK PINK *
* BUT I'M UNSURE OF SO MANY THINGS *
*
- * [vocalizing]