- PREVIOUSLY ON CALIFORNICATION...
- MAN, WHAT ARE THE ODDS I END UP NEXT TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN IN THE TRI-STATE AREA?
- HE WANTS HANK TO COME TO HIM.
- WHO THE FUCK IS HE?
- SAMURAI APOCALYPSE.
- I WANNA DO MY OWN THING. MY OWN MOMENT.
SANTA MONICA COP-- THAT'S MY EDDIE MURPHY MOMENT RIGHT NOW.
- I DON'T KNOW. IT'S NOT REALLY MY THING.
- GET YOUR SEXY ASS OVER HERE, MAMA.
[Samurai muttering]
- I'M CHARLIE RUNKLE. WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE.
- NO, I'M JUST THE NANNY, BUT COME ON IN.
- ARE--ARE YOU OKAY?
- I JUST GOT FIRED.
- ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A NEW GIG?
- HANK MOODY, BETTER NOT BE HITTIN' ON MY GIRL.
YOU SHOULD BE AT STARBUCKS WRITING ME SOME FUNNY SHIT.
- I DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT.
HOW'S BECCA?
- BOYFRIEND.
I WANT TO KILL HIM, HANK.
- TYLER.
- THIS--THIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
THIS IS MY SISTER.
- WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
- SOME GUY MY DAUGHTER'S SEEING.
I THINK HE'S GONNA BREAK HER HEART.
- MAYBE YOU SHOULD BREAK HIS LEGS FIRST.
- TYLER WAS LEAVING SOME CLUB IN HOLLYWOOD
AND HE GOT JUMPED BY A BUNCH OF GANGBANGERS.
[phone beeps]
* I WAS SITTING IN THE
* HOLLYWOOD HAWAIIAN HOTEL
* I WAS STARING IN MY EMPTY COFFEE CUP *
- FADE THE FUCK OUT.
THE END, MOTHERFUCKER.
CHARLIE!
- WAY AHEAD OF YOU, BUDDY.
[glasses chink]
- PRINT, BITCHES.
- WAIT! DON'T YOU WANT TO SPELLCHECK?
- NAH, SOMETHING TELLS ME THE SAMURAI ISN'T MUCH OF
A TYPO NAZI, AND I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.
I GOTTA GET MY BROWN EYE ON THE RED-EYE.
I GOTTA A PLANE TO CATCH.
- PLEASE STAY. - MM-MM.
I CAME, I SAW, I TURNED SOME WORDS INTO CASH.
THE COFFERS ARE FULL.
BESIDES, I DON'T WANT TO GET MYSELF KILLED
BY A TRIGGER-HAPPY RAPPER.
- IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME WITHOUT YOU, BUDDY.
- JUST GO DOWN TO THE BAR AND GRAB YOURSELF ONE OF YOUR
MESSY BESSIES, AND YOU'LL FEEL BETTER IN THE MORNING.
- THAT'S THE THING, HANK. IT DON'T WORK ANYMORE.
I'M LONELY.
I LONG FOR COMPANIONSHIP.
- IS THIS IT?
IS THIS THE MOMENT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR?
ARE YOU FINALLY COMING OUT TO ME, CHARLIE?
- FEMALE COMPANIONSHIP. FEE-HEE-MALE.
- GRAB YOURSELF A LADY FRIEND. - IT'S NOT THAT EASY.
I'M OLD AND BALD AND LACKING IN SOCIAL SKILLS.
- [laughs]
- YEAH, BUT YOU DO MAKE A DECENT LIVING.
AND YOU HAVE THIS GROOVY PAD.
- AND THAT'S REALLY GOOD FOR THE HEDONIST.
IT IMPRESSES THE SHIT OUT OF THE STRIPPERS AND THE BARMAIDS.
BUT WHAT IF I WANT SOMETHING MORE?
- SOMETIMES IT'S BETTER NOT TO TOUCH YOUR DREAMS.
TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO KNOWS.
- THAT IS PROFOUND--LY DEPRESSING.
- SPEAKING OF WHICH, I GOTTA GO SAY GOOD-BYE TO BECCA.
THEN I GOTTA DROP THIS PUPPY OFF AT MTV CRIBS.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? - I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS I'LL PROBABLY MASTURBATE TO SOMETHING DIRTY
ON THE INTERNET WHILE I WAIT FOR STUART TO SHOW UP
AND SPEND THE NIGHT. - SOLID PLAN.
WHAT'S ON THE MENU THESE DAYS?
- I'M GLAD YOU ASKED.
I'M EXTREMELY PARTIAL THESE DAYS TO LIVE SEX-CAMS.
YEAH, FOR JUST A COUPLE OF BUCKS A MINUTE,
THEY'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT.
I GOT THIS GIRL TO DRINK HER OWN PEE THE OTHER DAY.
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? - WHAT?
- THIS IS WHY YOU CAN'T FIND A GIRL.
YOU'RE TOO BUSY MAKING THEM DO DISGUSTING THINGS
ON THE INTERNET.
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.
- I AM. - GOOD.
NOW HUG ME. I GOTTA GO.
CHARLIE? - YES.
- IS THAT A DILDO IN YOUR POCKET
OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME GO?
- I THINK I MUST HAVE BEEN RELIVING THAT PEE THING.
NOW IT'S JUST A SHAME BONER.
[upbeat music]
*
- [groans]
OH, OW!
FUCK, FUCK! - HEY...
WHAT'D THAT POOR HOUSE EVER DO TO YOU?
- NOTHING!
IT'S WHAT THAT PANSY-ASS LITTLE PUSSY FART
IS DOING IN MY HOUSE.
I GOTTA WALK THIS SHIT OFF BEFORE I END UP BACK IN PRISON.
FUCKER!
- HEY.
- WHAT'S WITH THE HUBBY OUT THERE?
[chuckles] - OH...
TYLER GOT INTO HIS 40-YEAR-OLD BOTTLE OF CHIVAS.
- WHAT THE HUH?
I THOUGHT BATESY WAS ON THE WAGON.
- YEAH, HE IS.
BUT YOU KNOW, HE KEEPS IT AROUND AS A SYMBOL OF HIS SOBRIETY.
- OH, RIGHT ON.
SO HOW'S PATIENT ZERO?
- DEMANDING. - YEAH?
- MM. - MM-HMM?
I'M WAITING. MY PROPS?
I TOLD YOU THE KID WAS AN ASSHOLE.
- WELL, YEAH, BUT YOU THINK EVERYONE'S AN ASSHOLE.
- YES. YES, I DO.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME ANY LESS RIGHT
ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR ASSHOLE.
- I GOTTA GO TO THE DRUGSTORE. TYLER NEEDS MORE VICODIN.
- HI, BECCA. REMEMBER ME?
- OH, HEY, DAD.
- HEY, I'M LEAVING...
ON A JET PLANE...
DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE BACK AGAIN.
MAYBE A HUG?
- SAFE TRAVELS, DAD.
- ALL RIGHT, I LOVE YOU.
- SEE YOU SOON.
YEAH...
HEY, A QUICK ONE WHILE THEY'RE AWAY?
COME ON. FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE.
- YOU'RE HITTING ON A MARRIED WOMAN.
- I KNOW. - YEAH.
- WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
- YOU REALLY WANT ME TO SIC MY HUSBAND ON YOU
IN THE STATE HE'S IN?
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
THAT KIND OF THING COULD LEAD A MAN TO DRINK.
- YES.
- AND THEN HIS GLORIOUS MANGINA
MIGHT MAKE AN APPEARANCE.
WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE THAT HAPPEN, WOULD WE?
ACTUALLY, I WOULD.
I'M DYING TO SEE THAT THING AGAIN.
- COME ON, LET'S DO IT. - STOP IT.
- COME ON.
- KAREN, IS DINNER READY YET?
- YEAH. I'M GONNA TAKE THIS...
- NO, ALLOW ME.
- WELL, PUT IT ON THE--
- HEY, FUCK THAT.
[TV playing]
- THANK, GOD. I WAS ABOUT TO EAT MY FOOT.
OH...
HEY, HANK.
- WOW, YOU'VE REALLY MOVED IN, HAVEN'T YOU?
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT EXPECTING TO GET
YOUR SECURITY DEPOSIT BACK, ARE YOU?
- HEY, LISTEN, THEY INSISTED, OKAY?
- MMM! IT'S GOOD. - HA-HA.
AWW!
MY FOLKS ARE OUT OF TOWN, ALL RIGHT?
- THAT'S WHAT YOUR FOLKS TOLD YOU.
THEY ACTUALLY HATE YOUR GUTS
AND RUE THE DAY THAT YOUR FATHER EVER FAILED TO PULL OUT IN TIME.
- HA-HA.
WHY DON'T YOU GO EASY ON ME, MAN?
I GOT MY ASS BEAT ABOUT A WEEK AGO.
- I KNOW. I KNOW THAT.
AND I WAS ALMOST SAD WHEN I HEARD THE NEWS.
AND THEN I WAS VAGUELY DISAPPOINTED WHEN I HEARD
YOU WEREN'T GONNA DIE OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
BUT KNOWING YOU WERE IN GREAT PAIN DID MAKE ME SMILE.
IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS, YOU KNOW?
- MM.
- BUT IF YOU BREAK MY DAUGHTER'S HEART...
BEING STOMPED ON BY A BUNCH OF GANGBANGERS
IS GONNA SEEM LIKE A PLAYDATE COMPARED TO THE CAN OF RAPE-ASS
I WILL OPEN UP ON YOUR...
ASS.
- MM...
WELL, I HAVE NO INTENTION OF BREAKING HER HEART.
- GOOD. - SHE'S A COOL CHICK.
- AND IF YOU RESPECT HER COOLNESS,
YOU WILL TELL HER THAT YOU ARE A LYING, CHEATING,
SKULLDUGGEROUS LITTLE MANWHORE.
YOU HEAR ME?
- I HEAR YOU.
ARE WE COOL?
- NO, NEVER. - [laughs]
- CAN I BUM A SMOKE? - SURE.
- GOT A LIGHT?
- AH! SEE, IT'S THIS DAMN FINGER OF MINE.
- OH, YEAH. I BET IT'S... - OH!
- IT'S HARD TO... - GOD!
- OH, YEAH.
THIS IS HOW IT WAS DONE...
BACK IN THE DAY.
WHEN THE BUSHES WERE BIG...
AND THE BOOBIES WAS REAL.
[knock at door]
- SHIT! SHIT!
SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!
SHIT.
[women moaning in background]
- HELLO!
- NOT TOO MUCH BOOB TUBE, OKAY?
- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. RELAX, RELAX.
WE ONLY WATCH WHAT'S EDUCATIONAL.
- UH-HUH.
- LITTLE BABY EINSTEIN, PERHAPS. WHO KNOWS.
MAYBE HE'LL EVEN SAY SOMETHING.
[click] [women moaning]
- WHOA! - JESUS CHRIST, CHARLIE!
OH, MY GOD.
I CAN'T TRUST YOU ALONE WITH THIS KID FOR ONE SECOND.
- YEAH, WELL, FEEL FREE TO TAKE HIM WITH YOU
OUT ON DATE NIGHT, THEN.
- OH, LET'S NOT BE RASH, MARCY.
YOU KNOW, MY ASSISTANT HAD TO WORK SOME SERIOUS MAGIC
FOR THESE REZZIES. - BELIEVE ME.
I NEED A BREAK FROM ALL THINGS MOMMY.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
SO THAT WHOLE HIRING SOMEONE TO WATCH YOUR KID
WHILE YOU GO OUT ALL DAY SHOPPING
AND HAVING YOUR TOES DONE THING NOT WORKING FOR YA?
- DIE YOUNG AND SUFFER, DICKLESS.
- REALLY KICKING IT BACK OLD-SCHOOL WITH THE PORN THERE,
HEY, RUNKLE? - WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW,
I'M TRYING TO WEEN MYSELF OFF THE HARDCORE STUFF.
YEAH, I'M TRYING TO REDISCOVER
THE SIMPLE PLEASURES OF A MASTURBATING TEENAGER.
WHEN GIRLS WERE MAGICAL CREATURES WHO DIDN'T GO ATM.
- UGH. - WHAT?
- ASS TO MOUTH.
- THAT'S DISGUSTING.
- YET INTRIGUING.
- DON'T GET ANY IDEAS, OKAY?
YOU'RE WAY TOO BIG FOR MOMMY'S CORNHOLE.
- YEAH, THAT'S WHAT DADDY LIKES TO HEAR.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- [laughs]
[Stuart grunts]
- HEY, HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER, BUDDY?
HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER, HUH?
WHERE'S MR. BLANKY? both: WHAT?
- WHERE IS MR. BLANKY?
both: YOU--
- DID YOU-- - YOU BROUGHT--
- YOU PUT IT IN THE BACKPACK. - OKAY.
- YOU KNOW, THE TRAFFIC IS REALLY TERRIBLE
RIGHT NOW ON PCH.
I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD JET. - YEAH.
SORRY, CHARLIE. [Stuart whining]
- OKAY, BUDDY, YOU'RE OKAY. - YOU WANTED WEEKDAY OVERNIGHTS.
- YOU'RE A BIG BOY, RIGHT? - MOMMY LOVES YOU!
- OH, NO. OHHHHH!
OH, YOU'RE A BIG BOY. YOU'RE A BIG BOY, OKAY.
OKAY, OKAY.
[hip-hop music]
*
- * LET'S GET IT POPPIN'
* COPPIN' [...] I'M BLAZED AND ROCKIN' *
* LOUD AND CRAZED GOT THE CROWD AMAZED *
* I'M SHOCKIN' KNOCK 'EM FOR A LOOP *
* DROP MY LOOT ON SOME BOOZE AND GET RETARDED MAN *
- SHIT.
I'M EXCITED TO READ THIS SHIT, YO.
- I'M EXCITED THAT YOU'RE EXCITED, YO.
- [laughs] YOU'RE A FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER, MOODY.
YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
- RIGHT BACK AT YOU, SAM. MAY I CALL YOU SAM?
- CALL ME CALVIN. MY MOMS CALL ME CALVIN.
- I'D BE HONORED.
- YOU SHOULD. - I AM.
- ALL RIGHT, NIGGA.
I'M GONNA READ THIS SHIT. - YOU DO THAT.
- NO, I MEAN RIGHT NOW, YO. WAIT RIGHT HERE.
- NO, I CAN'T.
NO, NO, NO, I GOTTA RUN. I GOTTA GO.
- WHAT IF I GOTTA MAKE CHANGES OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT?
- YOU CAN EMAIL 'EM TO ME.
THAT WAY I CAN IGNORE IT MORE EASILY.
COME ON. - YOU READY?
- DAMN.
DAMN, MAMA, I GOTTA READ THIS SCRIPT.
- BUT YOU SAID WE WERE GOING OUT TONIGHT.
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU, ALL RIGHT?
I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
- WHATEVER.
- OH, MAN.
YO, IS IT ME, MAN?
OR IS SHE JUST HOT BEYOND LOGIC AND REASON?
- SHE BE FINE AS WINE.
- HEY, I TOLD YOU ABOUT-- - SORRY, I'M SORRY.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE HER OUT, YOU KNOW?
YOU CAN READ THE SCRIPT LATER.
- LATER, FUCK NO, MAN.
THAT'S MY MOTHERFUCKIN' CAREER, MAN.
I TAKE THIS SHIT SERIOUS, MAN.
I'M GONNA SIT IN MY FAVORITE CHAIR AND READ EVERY PAGE.
EVEN THE PARTS I'M NOT IN.
PUT A PEN TO THIS BITCH, CORRECT ALL THE TYPOS.
I HATE TYPOS. THAT SHIT IS LAZY.
- YEAH. I HATE TYPOS TOO.
- SHIT...
I DO LIKE WHEN A GIRL COME HOME FROM A CLUB, THOUGH.
AFTER DANCING AND DRINKING,
THEY BE HOT AS A FUCK, READY TO GO.
WHAT TIME'S YOUR FLIGHT? - UH, 11:40.
- WELL, THAT'S PLENTY TIME TO TAKE KALI OUT FOR ME, MAN.
- NO, IT'S NOT PLENTY OF TIME. - GET HER HOT FOR A NIGGA.
- NOT PLENTY AT ALL. - COME ON, MAN.
DO ME A SOLID. TAKE ONE OF MY WHIPS.
- THAT'S TEMPTING, WOULD THAT I COULD, BUT I CAN'T.
MY HANDS ARE TIED. - WHAT YOU GONNA DO,
GO TO A FUCKING AIRPORT,
OR SPEND TIME WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN?
- I'VE SPENT MANY A TIME WITH MANY A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
- SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? - I CAN'T DO IT.
I CAN'T, I CAN'T. - THAT'S FUCKED UP, MAN.
- I GOTTA RUN. - LOOK, LOOK...
I DID YOU A SOLID WITH FUCKING LITTLE ROMEO, RIGHT?
- AH, NO.
- PUT HIS FUCKIN' ASS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR YOU.
- I DID NOT ASK YOU FOR THAT.
- YEAH, BUT YOU NEEDED THAT. I FELT WHAT YOU NEEDED.
THAT'S WHAT BROTHERS DO FOR EACH OTHER.
THEY FEEL EACH OTHER. FEEL ME.
- ALL RIGHT, A QUICK BITE, BUT THAT'S IT.
- HEY, THAT'S ALL I'M FUCKING ASKING FOR.
NIGGA, WHAT? SHIT...
- ALL RIGHT, OKAY. - BUT YO.
KEEP YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' PAWS OFF HER, MOODY.
AND YOUR FUCKIN' PENIS.
- ALL RIGHT. - I'M SERIOUS, MAN.
- I HEARD THAT. - I'M SERIOUS, MAN.
- NO, I HEARD THAT. - YOU BE PLAYING TOO MUCH, YO.
YOU GOT IT? - COMMUNICATION DELIVERED.
- ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
I GOT THIS FUCKIN' CADDY WITH THE HYDRAULICS.
THIS SHIT'S GONNA BE LIKE, "BONG-BONG!"
- BONG-BONG.
[Stuart crying]
- [crying]
[knocking]
- I'M SO SORRY. YOU MUST BE GOING NUTS.
[sobbing]
- CHARLIE, I CAN'T BREATHE.
I CAN'T BREATHE.
[crying continues]
[crying stops]
[meditative music]
*
- HMM.
I'M SORRY, CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK?
- NO, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO.
- NO!
NO, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T GO.
- [sighs]
- PLEASE...
- OKAY.
[dance music]
* BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
*
* I WANT YOU I WANT YOU
* I NEED YOU I NEED YOU
* GOTTA HAVE YOU * GOTTA HAVE YOU
* HAVE YOU * HAVE YOU
* I WANT YOU * I WANT YOU
* I NEED YOU * I NEED YOU
- YEAH, THIS NOT EXACTLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND.
- I'M SURE, BUT WHATEVER YOU HAD IN MIND IS SOMETHING I PROBABLY
COULDN'T STAND FOR LONGER THAN FIVE MINUTES, SO...
THIS WILL HAVE TO DO.
- YOU LIKE TORTURING ME, DON'T YOU?
- I DO. VERY MUCH SO.
- HEY, DON'T DO THAT. - DO WHAT?
- DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT AND TALK LIKE THAT.
IT MAKES MY WEINER FEEL WEIRD.
- WELL, WE WOULDN'T WANT THAT, NOW, WOULD WE?
- [groans]
- WHAT WAS THAT? - SELF PRESERVATION.
I WAS WARNED NOT TO PUT MY HANDS ON YOU.
- WELL WHAT IF I WANT YOUR HANDS ON ME?
- YOU'RE SHIT OUT OF LUCK. THEY'RE GONE.
ARMS TOO. BLOWN OFF IN THE WAR.
I'M NOTHING BUT A TORSO NOW.
OH YEAH, LAUGH. LAUGH AT THE TORSO GUY.
YOU'RE A MEAN AND VICIOUS WOMAN.
- YOU KNOW HE DOESN'T OWN ME.
- YEAH? WELL, BE THAT AS IT MAY,
HE DOES SEEM LIKE THE JEALOUS TYPE.
- THAT IS ONE WAY TO PUT IT.
HE ALMOST CHOPPED OFF ONE OF HIS BODYGUARD'S FINGERS
FOR LOOKING AT ME IN AN IMPURE MANNER.
- LIKE THERE'S ANY OTHER WAY TO LOOK AT YOU.
- OKAY.
SO THAT'S WHEN I TELL YOU DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT.
'CAUSE I MIGHT HAVE TO PUT HANDS ON YOU.
- MM-HMM. - MM-HMM.
- SO HE'S CRAZY...
AND YOU'RE CRAZY BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT'S IN IT FOR YOU?
- WELL, HE DISCOVERED ME,
AND HE SIGNED ME TO HIS LABEL,
AND HE'S PRODUCING MY ALBUM.
- AND THAT'S IT?
- NO.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE EXCLUSIVE TO EACH OTHER.
- MM-HMM. - MM-HMM.
- I HONESTLY CAN'T EVEN COUNT HOW MANY BABYMAMAS HE'S GOT.
- OH, THAT SOUNDS COMPLICATED.
I LIKE TO KEEP IT SIMPLE. I ONLY HAVE THE ONE BABYMAMA.
- YEAH. YOU TOLD ME ABOUT THAT.
- MM-HMM.
- DANCE WITH ME. - NO.
NO, NO, NO. - COME ON.
- NO. HANKIE DON'T DANCE.
- HOLD MY PURSE.
- YOU'VE GOT A REALLY BEAUTIFUL PLACE HERE, CHARLIE.
- WELL, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
- I'M JEALOUS.
YOU SEEM LIKE YOU HAVE IT ALL FIGURED IT OUT.
- [laughs] ARE YOU KIDDING?
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU'VE GOT THIS GREAT KID, A SUCCESSFUL CAREER,
A WORKING AUTOMOBILE.
- TRUE, TRUE AND TRUE.
I ALSO HAVE A FAILED MARRIAGE,
A NUMBER OF TRULY HUMILIATING CAREER TURNS,
AND I HAVEN'T GOT AN OUNCE OF LOVE IN MY LIFE.
- HMM, JOIN THE CLUB.
- COME ON. A BEAUTIFUL GIRL LIKE YOU?
I BET YOU HAVE YOUR PICK OF THE LITTER.
- OF CREEPS, YES.
ANY CREEP I WANT IS MINE FOR THE TAKING.
IT'S HARD TO FIND A NICE GUY IN L.A.,
AND I'M NOT BEAUTIFUL.
- REALLY? - HMM.
- YOU'RE INSANE.
- AND YOU'RE SWEET. BUT I DON'T REALLY FIT THE MOLD.
DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I REALLY BELONG HERE.
I MEAN, I WANT TO WRITE CHILDREN'S BOOKS,
NOT SCREENPLAYS. - WAIT A SECOND.
DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE WORKING YOUR WAY
THROUGH COOKING SCHOOL?
- YEAH, THAT'S THE OTHER THING. I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND.
I WANT TO BE SOMEONE NEW EVERY OTHER WEEK.
- YOU LIKE THAT? TELL ME YOU LIKE IT.
TELL ME YOU WANT CHARLIE'S DIRTY FINGERS INSIDE YOUR PUDDING.
- NO, CHARLIE.
I WON'T TELL YOU THAT, AND I DON'T LIKE IT.
- WHAT?
- YOU KIND OF JUST FINGER BLASTED ME OUT OF NOWHERE.
- I KNOW, I KNOW. I'M SORRY.
- LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'VE BEEN TALKING TO,
OR WHAT KIND OF PORN YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING,
BUT GIRLS IN THE REAL WORLD, WE DON'T GO FROM KISSING
TO FINGER BANGING IN A MATTER OF SECONDS.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
I'VE BEEN WATCHING SO MUCH PORN ON THE INTERNET LATELY.
AND I'VE BEEN SEEKING SO MUCH SEXUAL GRATIFICATION,
THAT IT'S LIKE I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO RELATE
TO REAL WOMEN ANYMORE.
- CLEARLY.
- YEAH, IT'S AS IF GOING ATM HAS BECOME DE RIGUEUR.
- UM...WHAT--
- ASS TO MOUTH.
- OH, THAT'S NOT GOOD. - I KNOW.
- NO, I MEAN YOU COULD GET AN INFECTION.
- I KNOW. BEEN THERE.
[dance music]
*
- OH, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
- HEY, WHO'S THIS CLOWN?
- JUST SOME OLD GUY FROM EARLIER WHO KEEPS HITTING ON ME.
SAID HE'D GIVE ME $30 FOR A HAND JOB.
- OH, ARE WE PLAYING THAT GAME NOW, ARE WE?
- YO, PAL...
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE A WALK SOMEWHERE?
- WHY DON'T YOU JUST KISS MY TURD CUTTER, LITTLE LUMBERJACK?
- OKAY. SO WHAT'S UP?
- OH, NO. - YOU WANNA GET HIT?
- YOU WANNA DRY THUMB UP THE ASS?
YOU HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT, RIGHT?
- YOU WANNA JUST GET OUT OF HERE?
- NO, NO, NO. COME...
- GLADLY. - NO, NO, NO.
- YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. - WHY NOT?
- 'CAUSE I'M IN CHARGE OF GETTING YOU HOME SAFELY.
- NO, I'M IN CHARGE OF GETTING ME HOME SAFELY.
- NOW YOU'RE JUST SPLITTING HAIRS.
LITTLE HAIRS. PUBIC HAIRS.
- WELL THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY PUBIC HAIRS.
- OH, COME ON. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH A LITTLE HAIR DOWN THERE?
YOU KIDS TODAY WITH YOUR SELF-LOATHING PUBE ABUSE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, BUSTER?
KEEP A CLEAN PLAYGROUND? - WHAT THE FUCK?
- IT'S A SIMPLE QUESTION, BROSEPHINE.
- BROSEPH--YEAH, YEAH, OF COURSE, EVERYONE DOES.
- AH... [coughs] HOMO.
- SAY WHAT? - [laughs]
- WHAT?
- YOU REALLY THINK YOU'RE HAVING BETTER SEX THAN YOUR PARENTS?
YOU THINK THAT YOUR FATHER LOVED YOUR MOTHER'S BEAUTIFUL PUSSY
ANY LESS BECAUSE SHE HAD MORE HAIR DOWN THERE?
- DON'T BE TALKING ABOUT MY MOM'S PUSSY.
- WHAT? I SAID IT WAS BEAUTIFUL, MAN.
- [groans] - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- [groaning]
[indistinct chatter]
- WHOO! OH, SORRY. [laughs]
- NOW THIS IS MORE LIKE IT.
- I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GAVE THAT GUY A TITTY-TWISTER.
- MM...
THE TITTY-TWISTER IS FROWNED UPON IN SOME CIRCLES,
BUT IT'S ACTUALLY A REMARKABLY EFFECTIVE STREET-FIGHTING TOOL.
AND IT CAN DIFFUSE A POTENTIALLY INCENDIARY SITUATION.
AND IT PROVOKES LAUGHTER.
YOU SEE THAT? WHAT'D I TELL YOU?
- [laughs] OH, GOSH.
[sighs] I'M HAVING FUN.
- WELL, OF COURSE YOU ARE.
I KNOW HOW TO SHOW A GIRL A GOOD TIME.
A FEW DRINKS, SOME DANCING, A LITTLE TITTY-TWISTING,
TOSS A FEW BURGERS DOWN OUR THROAT.
GET HER HOME BEFORE THIS LOWRIDER TURNS BACK
INTO A PUMPKIN. BONG-BONG.
- THIS IS AMAZING. - THAT?
BARGAIN BASEMENT PROMISE LAND? - UM.
- SAY WHAT YOU WANT, BUT THIS IS WHERE DREAMS COME TRUE.
- OR COME TO DIE. WHERE YOU FROM?
- BORN AND BRED IN THE BRONX.
- THE BRONX. - MM-HMM.
- WELL, THAT'S AN AMAZING PLACE....
- YEAH. - TO BE FROM.
- WELL HOW MANY OF US MAKE IT FROM THERE TO HERE?
- DOESN'T MATTER. YOU DID.
- WE'LL SEE HOW LONG I LAST. - I HEARD YOUR MUSIC.
I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
- SO... YOU LEAVE TONIGHT.
- YES SIRREE MA'AM.
- LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION. - MM-HMM.
- IF YOU'RE LEAVING TONIGHT, LIKE, THIS VERY NIGHT...
- YEAH.
- WHAT'S THE HARM IN A GOOD-BYE KISS?
- WELL, WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, IT'S HARD TO SEE THE HARM.
- I KNOW, RIGHT?
- MAYBE JUST ONE. - OH, YES. OF COURSE.
[groovy music]
*
- [laughing]
[gasps]
- WHAT THE FUCK YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF NOW, MOTHERFUCKER?
- UH... - COME ON!
- SANTA MONICA COP CANNOT BE MY LAST CREDIT.
- [laughs] - OH, MY GOD.
- I'M JUST FUCKIN' WITH YOU, MOODY.
- FUNNY HOW AT PEACE I WAS WITH IT.
- YEAH, WELL YOU SEEMED LIKE YOU WERE REALLY RELAXED.
- WHAT'S UP, MAMA?
- MAN, THE FUCKING SCRIPT WAS OFF THE CHARTS, HOMIE.
- YOU LIKE IT?
- LIKE IT? NIGGA, I LOVE IT, MAN.
MADE ME ONE BAD-ASS MOTHERFUCKER.
I'LL BE ABLE TO WALK ON THAT SET WITH CONFIDENCE, DUDE.
MY DICK JUST SWINGING EVERYWHERE, MAN.
THANK YOU, MOODY.
- YOU'RE WELCOME, CALVIN.
- HE SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME, MAMA?
- YEAH, IT WAS ALL RIGHT.
KIND OF LIMITED, BORING WHITE GUY.
- GUILTY AS CHARGED.
- Y'ALL TWO MOTHERFUCKERS KNOCKED BOOTS, MAN?
WHAT THE FUCK?
- BABE, I MEAN HONESTLY, COME ON.
I MEAN, THIS GUY? ARE YOU SERIOUS?
- WELL, WAY TO KNOCK A GUY
WHEN HE'S GOT A GUN TO HIS THROAT.
- [laughs]
I'M JUST FUCKING WITH YOU, BRO.
I CAN'T STOP FUCKING WITH YOU, MAN.
- HA HA HA. - I'M IN CHARACTER.
- UNDERSTOOD.
- YOU GOT A FLIGHT TO CATCH, RIGHT?
- MOS DEF.
SORRY.
I DO HAVE A FLIGHT TO CATCH.
- SAFE TRAVELS.
- SEE YOU AROUND, HANK.
- YEAH, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT WHOLE BECOMING A STAR THING.
- AH, THANK YOU, AND GOOD LUCK WITH THAT WHOLE
KEEPING IT SIMPLE THING.
- AH, SPEAKING OF WHICH, LOOK. IT'S FROM THE BABYMAMA.
- AH, SHIT, I GOT A LOT OF THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS.
- YEAH, HOW MANY?
- SHIT, I'M NOT SURE. I GOT IT WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE.
- YES. - HELLO.
- HEY.
- WHERE IS SHE?
- SHE'S IN HER ROOM. SHE WON'T COME OUT.
I MEAN, I HAVEN'T SEEN HER THIS UPSET SINCE...EVER.
- YOU'RE BURYING THE LEAD. - WHICH IS SAYING SOMETHING.
- THIS IS GOOD NEWS. THEY BROKE UP. HE'S GONE.
- YEAH, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO BREAK OUT THE CHAMPAGNE
WHEN SHE'S THIS UPSET.
HE WAS CHEATING ON HER, HANK.
- YOU'RE KIDDING. I'LL ALERT THE MEDIA.
- NICE. - WHY WOULD HE TELL HER THAT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
THESE THINGS, THEY--
THEY HURT, YOU KNOW?
- I KNOW.
[knocking]
- CAN I COME IN OR ARE VISITING HOURS OVER?
- SHUT UP. - THERE'S MY GIRL.
- YOU CAN COME IN, BUT YOU BETTER NOT GLOAT.
- GLOAT? ME?
NEVER.
- PLEASE, YOU HATED HIM. - YES, I DID.
BUT I HATE EVERYBODY.
AND YOU'VE GOT A TOUGH ROAD AHEAD OF YOU.
NOBODY'S GONNA BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY LITTLE GIRL.
- GUESS I FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHY MOM
PUT UP WITH YOUR SHIT FOR SO LONG.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- HE'S AN ASSHOLE AND I HATE HIS STINKING GUTS RIGHT NOW.
BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I DON'T LOVE HIM.
- YEAH. I GET THAT.
- AND HE WAS A GREAT LOVER.
- [gags] THAT'S GROSS, HONEY.
- SORRY.
THOUGHT I WAS TALKING TO A FRIEND FOR A MINUTE THERE.
- YEAH, NO, YOU ARE, AND THAT'S A GREAT COMPLIMENT.
BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY LESS GRODY.
- HAVE TO HAND IT TO THE GUY, THOUGH.
HE WAS HONEST.
- OKAY, THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT?
IN A TOTALLY SOUL-CRUSHING, HEART-BREAKING
KIND OF WAY, SURE.
HE FESSED UP TO BEING A LYING, CHEATING,
SKULLDUGGEROUS LITTLE MANWHORE.
- COME ON, LET'S GO.
WE'LL GO TO THE CANALS. WE'LL WALK ON THE CANALS.
REMEMBER WE USED TO DO THE SHIT OUT OF THAT WHEN YOU WERE A KID.
IT'S LIKE PENICILLIN FOR THE LOVELORN.
COME ON. COME ON, LET'S GO.
- DON'T YOU HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH?
- I CAN ALWAYS GET ONE TOMORROW.
OR THE NEXT DAY, OR THE NEXT DAY.
THERE'S NO PLACE I'D RATHER BE.
- * THE OTHER END I'LL BE WAITING THERE FOR YOU *
* YOU ARE NOT ALONE
- I'M SORRY, SWEETIE.
- * YOU ARE NOT ALONE
* JUST REACH OUT YOUR HAND
* AND I WILL PULL YOU THROUGH *
* AT THE OTHER END I'LL BE WAITING THERE FOR YOU *
* YOU ARE NOT ALONE
* IF THERE'S ANYTHING THAT I CAN DO *