(WOMAN LAUGHING)
Stop it!
Everyone's looking at me!
You've got a right dirty laugh, do you know that?
You have. You sound like Barbara Windsor.
Oh, I know. It's the smoking.
I didn't know you smoked.
Yeah, I do, but I'm gonna start giving up when I'm 28,
and then definitely stop when I'm 30.
Oh, can you believe we're actually going to meet tomorrow?
Only 17 hours to go now, babes.
Hiya, Stacey.
All right, Doris? How's the leg?
Oh love, I wish they'd cut the bugger off.
Oh, you don't mean that.
Oh, yes, I do. You hand me the axe, I'll do it myself.
You still going up London then on your blind date?
Well, it's not really a blind date.
I mean, we've been talking for six months on the phone.
Just haven't met in the flesh like.
What time are you off? First thing.
Dave's Coaches, cacking myself, I am.
Stace, love, you've got to chill out.
The thing to remember is don't go giving him nothing on the first night.
Really?
Well, no, not nothing.
A kiss, a cuddle, a cheeky finger.
Just don't go selling him the whole farm.
Oh, thanks, Dor.
See you, love.
Hiya, luv. Hiya, Mum!
Is that Doris out?
Yeah. How's her leg?
Fine.
-That's a nice top. -TK Maxx. Five quid, down from ten.
Can't go wrong. Fancy an omelette?
Aye, go on, then.
Nessa'll be here at 6:00.
Will she want an omelette?
I don't know.
Hiya, it's me. Mum's doing an omelette. Do you want one?
Mmm.
Yeah.
Okay.
She don't want one.
Oh, come on!
I do know her!
You can know someone without meeting them, you know.
Look, what's the big deal?
She's bringing a mate, I'm bringing you.
No, I won't!
'Cause I'm not ringing her and saying,
"Can you text me a photo of your friend for Smithy
"because he wants to see if she's a minger!"
It's too late now, anyway.
All right.
Hiya, Gav. All right, Mum?
No, not really. I'm absolutely shattered.
I've been crying all afternoon.
How come?
That Pet Rescue .
There was this badger, and all its litter died,
and you could actually see the mother badger crying.
I don't think badgers can cry, Mum.
Nor did I, my little prince.
But I know what I saw, and it's knocked me for six.
Still, life goes on.
Your dad'll be home in a minute, and those steaks won't cook themselves.
And will you please make sure you stay with Nessa at all times.
Do not let her out of your sight.
I don't know why you think Nessa's any safer than me.
Oh, she's a big girl, love. Gets it from her father.
If she's got one iota of his aggression inside her then you'll be alright.
We don't know anything about this Gavin.
For all we know, he might be a paedophile.
But he wouldn't be interested in me then, would he?
You never know these days, love.
He might be grooming you.
Now, your Uncle Bryn's coming around in a bit with the rape alarm.
He tried for pepper spray, but he haven't had no luck.
So you'll have to make do with the alarm.
Oh, Mum.
All right?
Here, love. Where's your stuff?
What, that's it?
I got my sling, a packet of feminine wipes and 60 Regal.
What more do I need? What about your toothbrush?
I got Tic Tacs.
Oh, tell me you are joking.
We're only going for one night.
(SIGHS)
MICHAEL: I've been looking forward to this all day long.
You're too good to me, sweet cheeks, you are, really.
Good day, Dad?
Yeah, not bad, mate.
I left work at 2:00 just to play the full 18 with Chalky and Woodruff.
Don't tell your mother.
How did you get on?
Yeah, not bad. A couple of birdies.
What's that?
A couple of birdies in the bush, in the front garden
-when I got in from work. -You wanna get a life, Michael.
Gavin doesn't wanna know about birds in a bush.
Good job he's playing golf tomorrow, eh, Gav?
-What on earth have you got there? -I'm on the Atkins.
You what?
Atkins means, unlike you two,
I'm not entitled to any carbohydrates, vis-a-vis chips.
So I have substituted my chips by having two extra steaks.
Three steaks? Are you mad?
No, Mick, it's not three steaks.
It's one steak for me as an actual steak,
one as a substitute for my chips,
and one as a substitute for my peas.
But you're eating half a cow, woman!
Right. That's it. (CLANKS FORK)
I knew you'd say something. I'll starve.
Mum, come on!
No, Gavin. I've had enough.
I've tried! God knows I've tried. I've done the lot.
Pilates? Doesn't work.
Can't do the cabbage soup because your lordship don't like the smell.
And now, I can't even have a steak!
Oh, for the love of Mike!
Dad, she's on a diet.
Look, I'm sorry, have the sodding steaks.
No. And do you know why?
Because you will be up that golf club tomorrow
and you'll be giving it all this.
"Oh, do you know what my wife, Pamela, had last night?
"Do you know what my fat, disgusting wife, Pamela, had?
"Three steaks!"
And then they'll go home and tell their wives,
and before you know it, I'll be known as "Three Steaks Pam."
It's just like when I had that urine infection.
Look what they called me then.
-And I've only just shook that off. -Just eat the steaks.
Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?
Well, no. No, Michael.
You are gonna watch me starve.
Prepare to watch your wife starve, potentially to death.
Gav-la, Pam-la, Michael?
Hello, Smithy!
Hello, Smithy.
Ah, darling!
Pamela, you're looking beautiful!
Oh, stop it!
Would you like a steak? One going, is there?
Well, yeah, due to recent events,
there happens to be three going.
Three? I just had shepherd's pie,
but I'll certainly take two of them on.
You not eating, Pam?
Uh, no, Smithy.
And this may be the last time you ever see me.
Give it a rest.
Chuck us that sauce.
So I said to him, "Oh, scag-head, do what you like.
"It's your life and I'm not about to tell you how to live it.
"I wouldn't do that to no one.
"I wouldn't even tell myself how to live my life.
"But at the end of the day,
"don't come round here peddling your wares,
"'cause I've got a business to run."
But you haven't got a business to run.
Between the hours of 12:00 and 2:00, I am in charge.
At that particular moment, I was in charge.
So yes, I do have a business to run, as it goes.
BRYN: Only me!
BOTH: Hiya!
Hey! I got the alarm.
Oh, hiya, Ness.
All right, Bryn?
How's it going down the slots?
I won't lie to you, Bryn. I hates it.
Barry Island's not what it used to be, but what can you do?
Times change. People move on.
What do I owe you for that alarm, Bryn?
Hey don't worry about it. This one's on me.
No, come on.
Hey, these things are important.
My brother would turn in his grave
if he thought I wasn't looking after his little girl.
And the truth is,
I don't want anyone in this room being raped, myself included.
-That's very good of you, love. -Aye. Fair play.
Oh, thanks, Uncle Bryn.
Ah.
Hey, come on, don't...don't...don't get me started now. Right!
The man in the shop says I should give you a little demonstration.
So, Stace, I want you to run at me
as if to all intents and purposes you were my attacker.
Oh, you don't have to show me. I can work it out myself.
Stace, tomorrow morning you are travelling to London, England,
to meet a boy you've never met before.
I offered to come with you. You said, "No."
I offered to drive you and wait in the car. You said, "No."
Now, you've met me halfway on the rape alarm,
at least have the decency to let me give you a demonstration,
because, I tell you this for nothing,
if you come back Sunday, raped,
and I showed you how to use it, I'll rest easy in my bed.
You come back Sunday raped, the fault will lie solely at your door.
So, please, attack me.
Oh, no, no. What are you doing?
You've got to put a bit of aggression into it.
Oh, Stace, sit down. Ness, you have a go.
Not too late to back out, you know.
All it takes is one phone call.
-No, I've got to meet her. I wanna meet her. -Really?
Yeah, it's exciting.
Maybe it is exciting,
but you know what they say about excitement?
What?
It's by the by. Look.
I was talking to Gary and Simon about you last night and we're worried.
Why?
You're putting all your eggs in one bag.
She's Welsh! She might not even turn up tomorrow.
All I'm saying is don't get your hopes up.
Since when did you become an expert on relationships?
You've only ever had one girlfriend, she's only just turned 17.
So forgive me if I don't hang on your every word
-regarding my own love life. -17-and-three-quarters actually
and she just got 90% in her driving theory,
and her test's in two weeks. But, whatever.
Look, you don't have to come tomorrow. I'll go on me own.
Don't be stupid. I'm not letting you go on your own to meet up with two freaks!
-Stacey's not a freak. -Well, she might not be but this mate of hers
could be a complete nutter.
'Course she won't be!
You perverted piece of shit!
Put him down, Nessa! (SCREAMS)
(GASPING) You makes me sick!
-Is that the sort of thing you meant, then? -Yes.
'Night, Ness.
'Night, Stace.
Forgotten your case, Ness?
Don't be a twat, Dave.
I had the best night of my life with that woman.
Are we all right to smoke, then?
Animal. Absolute animal.
Dave?
What? Oh, sorry, love. Smoking? Yeah.
My motto is "Fags and weed, glue and speed,"
but I draws the line at crack.
-That way, everyone knows where they stand. -Oh, fair play.
That is de-bloody-beautiful.
Yeah, it is nice.
This beer is allowed to ferment for nine years in Nordrhein-Westfalen,
home of Monchengladbach FC,
and is considered one of Germany's best kept secrets.
Right, Gav-la...
I think you'll agree that that is easily worth an 8.5.
Gav?
-Gavin? -Yeah?
Yeah, whatever.
This was your idea! What?
This! You came to my house.
You said, "Let's try every beer around the world within the next 12 months."
I said, "You'll never do it." You said, "Come on." I said, "No."
You said, "Please?" I said, "Fine."
Four months down the line I'm the only one who gives a shit!
Gary and Simon dropped out after Belgium.
I don't know where Fingers is with it.
But you! Ever since things got turned up a notch with this Stacey,
you've gone missing.
The lights are on, but everyone's gone out. I wash my hands of you.
-Smithy. -And if this mate of hers turns out to be a munter,
that could be it for me and you.
Are you drinking that?
I'm just too nervous, mate.
Right. Well...
-There she is. There! -Where?
Oh, my God. Right, come on.
But where's her mate? Oi! Where's her mate?
Stacey?
Oh, my God! Hiya!
-When did you get here? -I thought you weren't gonna come!
-'Course I was gonna come! -I've only been here 10 minutes.
I like your cardi.
Cheers. River Island.
Oh, so is my belt! Amazing!
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
-Oh, sorry, mate. Uh, Stace, this is Smithy. -Hiya, Stacey, all right?
Heard a lot about you.
Heard a lot about you, too.
-So come on your own in the end then, did you or... -What?
Oh, no, no, I came with... Oh, here she is now! Nessa!
SMITHY: Oh for the...
-This is Vanessa. -Six quid, two slices of pizza.
-They take the piss, these cockneys. -Ness!
-What? -This is Gavin.
-All right, Gav? How's it going, all right? -Yeah, great.
Uh, and this is Smithy.
-Right. Well, should we get a drink? -Yeah, great!
Oh, Stace!
Do you not want this now?
No, I'm not hungry anymore!
Yeah, might as well.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, it's a bit dead in here.
I don't mind, it's well base.
What do you want to drink?
I'll have a white wine spritzer,
and Ness will have a gin and tonic.
All right.
All right, uh, yeah. Two beers, double gin and tonic,
white wine spritzer, and eight after shocks.
What?
Smithy?
This is a nightmare of epic proportions.
What's wrong with her?
A: How old is it?
B: Have you seen the tattoo?
-And 3: Look at the size of it! -What do you mean?
She's massive! She's not.
-She's huge. -Yeah well, with respect, Smithy...
Right, fine, I'm big. I'll give you that. Right, I'm big.
-But I'm sorry, the size of that. Look at it! -Hey!
All right? Been powdering your nose?
-Oh thanks, Stace. Thanks a lot. -What?
Look, let's get one thing straight.
I don't touch that shit no more, all right?
I did and now I don't.
So let that be an end to it.
Oh, Nessa!
And D: To top it all off, she's a drug addict! Brilliant!
Cheers, mate. (SIGHS)
(SAY SAY SAY WAITING 4 YOU LYRICS BY HI-TACK PLAYING)
I'm so hot!
I know. I'm wet through!
-I can't believe this, you know. -You what?
This. Us. I can't believe it.
I know.
It's better than I thought it would be.
I feel like I've known you ages.
-I feel like I've known you all my life. -What?
Like I've known you all my life.
-I was so worried you wouldn't like me. -You what?
I was so nervous.
Yeah, me too!
-Look, Stace, I just want you to know... -Sorry?
I just want you to know...
I can't hear you!
I just wanted to...
...Say that.
SMITHY: Wey-hey!
Smithy! Train goes in 20 minutes!
You don't have to go, you know.
Not if you don't want to.
What, you mean come back?
Yeah. Well, if you like.
Well, it's up to you. I don't want you to think that...
Gavin, I'm asking you to come back with me.
So all right, mate. You get the train. I'm gonna go back with, um...
-Nessa. -Nessa, that's it.
GAVIN: Can I have a word?
You got any johnnies? I ain't going in there, bareback.
-We'll have to stop off at a garage on the way. -Are you in?
I think so.
BOTH: Quality!
-We'll have to make a stop, girls. -What for?
Well, we might have to, um, get some...
Don't worry, I got a stash. Ribbed.
Taxi!
(ALL GIGGLE)
There's no mini bar.
-I'll order some room service, shall I? -Yeah.
Gav, I'm not being funny, but it's half-two now and we're leaving in eight hours.
We all know what's gonna happen,
who wants what and what have you
so why not cut to the chase and we can all get some?
And they say romance is dead.
Don't be a prick, Gav.
Right, Stace, how do you want to do this?
Well, we'll have this bed, you have that one.
-Switch the lights off and get on with it. -Fine.
Well, hang on, are you serious?
'Cause those beds are like two feet apart.
I don't give a shit.
I just feel a little bit uncomfortable.
Okay, okay.
As a mate, we'll go in the en suite.
Yeah? Nessa?
All right.
But only for the first one.
-I hopes you're hungry, big boy. -(CHUCKLES)
-SMITHY: Come on. Get in here now. -(DOOR SLAMS)
Bit of music? (HEAVY ROCK PLAYS)
Sorry. Bloody thing.
Hang on, let's try this.
MAN (ON RADIO): How long have you had the growths?
(LAST REQUEST BY PAOLO NUTINI PLAYING ON RADIO
I love this one.
-Right. Do you want a drink, then? -Gavin.
-'Cause I can go down to the bar if you like. -Gav.
-I'm easy. I just don't... We can talk if you want. -Gav.
(WHISPERS) This is so lush.
Mmm.
It is.
It's totally lush.
SMITHY: Oh, fucking hell. Oh, God!
Oh, you dirty! Oh!
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Oh! Oh! That's it.
Oh! Oh! Now we're talking. Oh, take it...
Oh, yeah. Oh...
(TOILET FLUSHES)
God, no! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
(WHISPERS) Gav.
Oh, Stace, don't wake him.
Why?
I'm not being funny, but right now you look like shit.
And last night you looked cracking. Let that be the memory.
Good point. I'll leave a note.
What about Smithy?
No, leave him.
His breath is rank and mine's not much better.
Smithy! Smithy!
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
Come on, mate, we haven't got time for this.
Oh.
I feel like I've been abused.
Look, I wanna say goodbye properly.
Their coach leaves in half an hour.
Oh, God, the guilt. Oh, the guilt!
Oh, about Lucy, I'm going to have to confess.
No, mate! Look, what's the point?
No you don't! I've got to! I have!
Why?
You don't understand!
Oh, she did things.
Mate, she put things...
...In...
Did Stacey... Listen, did Stacey...
Did she? Did she stick anything?
Smithy, I can't believe you're even asking me!
I am not discussing anything about last night with you!
I need to know whether this is something that just...
Oh.
Nessa. Nessa.
Whether it's just something just she does or is it a Welsh thing?
-Why does it matter? -Well, if it's something everybody does,
I don't need to see a doctor, do I?
Get dressed!
Oh, all right!
Oh, God!
Don't suppose I can tempt you to a Chinese down mine later?
Oh, Dave, when are you going to learn?
You could buy me all the chocolates, all the chow mein you like,
but it won't wash, and you knows why.
Now back off or I'll tell everyone on that coach
about my trip to the doctor's, is that what you really want?
No. Sorry.
Look, I think you're a cracking bloke, Dave,
but let's face it, you're riddled.
I know.
How is everything, uh, down there, by the way?
Ship-shape and shiny now, no thanks to you.
GAVIN: Stacey! Stacey!
Oh, no! (CHUCKLES)
I had to say goodbye.
Aw!
You, uh, forgot this.
Oh, tidy.
So I'll give you a ring.
Why?
Well, you know.
Oh, get a life, Smithy.
Oh, Stace!
-Come on, babes. I'll see you again really soon. -Don't.
What?
Don't promise me nothing.
If this is all it's meant to be, I'm still so happy I met you!
Oh.
Right. KFC?
No, mate, there's something I gotta do. Taxi!
What? Where are you going?
I've got to go home. Billericay, please, mate.
-I thought we were going to share a bucket? -Are you coming or what?
Cheers, mate.
Gav? Gavin?
-How did it go? What's she like? -Brilliant.
I'll tell you later.
See you then.
What on earth's going on?
Don't ask. All I know is I'm so ravenous I can barely see!
Do you want a Pammy's full English?
You read my mind!
How about you, Smithy? Did you have a good time?
Not really, no.
Oh, my God!
What you doing here?
I said I'd see you soon, didn't I?
-What's up? -(SIGHS)
Nothing.
What?
It's stupid.
Stace!
It's just... I told myself...
If ever I saw you again in the flesh, like, that I'd...
What?
That I'd tell you something. But I can't.
Oh, Stace, I'm going for a curry with Dave. I'll call you tomorrow.
If you say it, I'll say it back.
-I love you. -I love you too.
Ooh!
(ALARM SHRIEKS)
What's that?
Just my rape alarm.