1 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,360 (WOMAN LAUGHING) 2 00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:22,960 Stop it! 3 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:25,480 Everyone's looking at me! 4 00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:28,240 You've got a right dirty laugh, do you know that? 5 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,360 You have. You sound like Barbara Windsor. 6 00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:32,000 Oh, I know. It's the smoking. 7 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:33,400 I didn't know you smoked. 8 00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:36,240 Yeah, I do, but I'm gonna start giving up when I'm 28, 9 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:39,200 and then definitely stop when I'm 30. 10 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:41,920 Oh, can you believe we're actually going to meet tomorrow? 11 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,200 Only 17 hours to go now, babes. 12 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:06,200 Hiya, Stacey. 13 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:07,840 All right, Doris? How's the leg? 14 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:09,840 Oh love, I wish they'd cut the bugger off. 15 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,280 Oh, you don't mean that. 16 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,960 Oh, yes, I do. You hand me the axe, I'll do it myself. 17 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:17,280 You still going up London then on your blind date? 18 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:18,840 Well, it's not really a blind date. 19 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:20,600 I mean, we've been talking for six months on the phone. 20 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,120 Just haven't met in the flesh like. 21 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:23,840 What time are you off? First thing. 22 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,200 Dave's Coaches, cacking myself, I am. 23 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,960 Stace, love, you've got to chill out. 24 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:32,360 The thing to remember is don't go giving him nothing on the first night. 25 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:33,480 Really? 26 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,800 Well, no, not nothing. 27 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,400 A kiss, a cuddle, a cheeky finger. 28 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,840 Just don't go selling him the whole farm. 29 00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:42,040 Oh, thanks, Dor. 30 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,200 See you, love. 31 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:49,040 Hiya, luv. Hiya, Mum! 32 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:50,280 Is that Doris out? 33 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,280 Yeah. How's her leg? 34 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:53,960 Fine. 35 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:57,200 -That's a nice top. -TK Maxx. Five quid, down from ten. 36 00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:59,000 Can't go wrong. Fancy an omelette? 37 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:00,520 Aye, go on, then. 38 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:01,960 Nessa'll be here at 6:00. 39 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,360 Will she want an omelette? 40 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:04,560 I don't know. 41 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,400 Hiya, it's me. Mum's doing an omelette. Do you want one? 42 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:15,920 Mmm. 43 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:21,560 Yeah. 44 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:30,560 Okay. 45 00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:31,840 She don't want one. 46 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:42,480 Oh, come on! 47 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:45,920 I do know her! 48 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,440 You can know someone without meeting them, you know. 49 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,360 Look, what's the big deal? 50 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,240 She's bringing a mate, I'm bringing you. 51 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:57,280 No, I won't! 52 00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:58,880 'Cause I'm not ringing her and saying, 53 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,520 "Can you text me a photo of your friend for Smithy 54 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,200 "because he wants to see if she's a minger!" 55 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,760 It's too late now, anyway. 56 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:07,320 All right. 57 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,280 Hiya, Gav. All right, Mum? 58 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:12,160 No, not really. I'm absolutely shattered. 59 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:14,000 I've been crying all afternoon. 60 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,080 How come? 61 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:18,000 That Pet Rescue . 62 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:20,600 There was this badger, and all its litter died, 63 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:23,840 and you could actually see the mother badger crying. 64 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:25,440 I don't think badgers can cry, Mum. 65 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,080 Nor did I, my little prince. 66 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:30,400 But I know what I saw, and it's knocked me for six. 67 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:33,880 Still, life goes on. 68 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:38,560 Your dad'll be home in a minute, and those steaks won't cook themselves. 69 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,840 And will you please make sure you stay with Nessa at all times. 70 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:43,280 Do not let her out of your sight. 71 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:45,160 I don't know why you think Nessa's any safer than me. 72 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,880 Oh, she's a big girl, love. Gets it from her father. 73 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,000 If she's got one iota of his aggression inside her then you'll be alright. 74 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:52,520 We don't know anything about this Gavin. 75 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,280 For all we know, he might be a paedophile. 76 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:55,920 But he wouldn't be interested in me then, would he? 77 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:57,200 You never know these days, love. 78 00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:58,960 He might be grooming you. 79 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,880 Now, your Uncle Bryn's coming around in a bit with the rape alarm. 80 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:02,440 He tried for pepper spray, but he haven't had no luck. 81 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:03,840 So you'll have to make do with the alarm. 82 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:04,920 Oh, Mum. 83 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:07,960 All right? 84 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:09,480 Here, love. Where's your stuff? 85 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,520 What, that's it? 86 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,880 I got my sling, a packet of feminine wipes and 60 Regal. 87 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,880 What more do I need? What about your toothbrush? 88 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,120 I got Tic Tacs. 89 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,880 Oh, tell me you are joking. 90 00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:28,040 We're only going for one night. 91 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:29,320 (SIGHS) 92 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,880 MICHAEL: I've been looking forward to this all day long. 93 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,400 You're too good to me, sweet cheeks, you are, really. 94 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:41,480 Good day, Dad? 95 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:43,520 Yeah, not bad, mate. 96 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,400 I left work at 2:00 just to play the full 18 with Chalky and Woodruff. 97 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:47,520 Don't tell your mother. 98 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:48,600 How did you get on? 99 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,160 Yeah, not bad. A couple of birdies. 100 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:51,600 What's that? 101 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:54,080 A couple of birdies in the bush, in the front garden 102 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,560 -when I got in from work. -You wanna get a life, Michael. 103 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:59,360 Gavin doesn't wanna know about birds in a bush. 104 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:03,320 Good job he's playing golf tomorrow, eh, Gav? 105 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,840 -What on earth have you got there? -I'm on the Atkins. 106 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,160 You what? 107 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,760 Atkins means, unlike you two, 108 00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:12,800 I'm not entitled to any carbohydrates, vis-a-vis chips. 109 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:16,480 So I have substituted my chips by having two extra steaks. 110 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:17,840 Three steaks? Are you mad? 111 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,840 No, Mick, it's not three steaks. 112 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,480 It's one steak for me as an actual steak, 113 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:24,000 one as a substitute for my chips, 114 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:25,800 and one as a substitute for my peas. 115 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:27,560 But you're eating half a cow, woman! 116 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,000 Right. That's it. (CLANKS FORK) 117 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:31,080 I knew you'd say something. I'll starve. 118 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:32,400 Mum, come on! 119 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:33,600 No, Gavin. I've had enough. 120 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:36,280 I've tried! God knows I've tried. I've done the lot. 121 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,320 Pilates? Doesn't work. 122 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,280 Can't do the cabbage soup because your lordship don't like the smell. 123 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:41,840 And now, I can't even have a steak! 124 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:43,200 Oh, for the love of Mike! 125 00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:44,480 Dad, she's on a diet. 126 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:47,840 Look, I'm sorry, have the sodding steaks. 127 00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:50,120 No. And do you know why? 128 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,120 Because you will be up that golf club tomorrow 129 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:53,520 and you'll be giving it all this. 130 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:56,360 "Oh, do you know what my wife, Pamela, had last night? 131 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,160 "Do you know what my fat, disgusting wife, Pamela, had? 132 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:00,160 "Three steaks!" 133 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:01,400 And then they'll go home and tell their wives, 134 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:05,000 and before you know it, I'll be known as "Three Steaks Pam." 135 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:07,000 It's just like when I had that urine infection. 136 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:08,280 Look what they called me then. 137 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,440 -And I've only just shook that off. -Just eat the steaks. 138 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:12,800 Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you? 139 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:14,400 Well, no. No, Michael. 140 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:16,200 You are gonna watch me starve. 141 00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:19,400 Prepare to watch your wife starve, potentially to death. 142 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,480 Gav-la, Pam-la, Michael? 143 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:22,800 Hello, Smithy! 144 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:24,040 Hello, Smithy. 145 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:25,360 Ah, darling! 146 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,080 Pamela, you're looking beautiful! 147 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,240 Oh, stop it! 148 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:32,240 Would you like a steak? One going, is there? 149 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:33,840 Well, yeah, due to recent events, 150 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:35,480 there happens to be three going. 151 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:37,200 Three? I just had shepherd's pie, 152 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:40,000 but I'll certainly take two of them on. 153 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:41,320 You not eating, Pam? 154 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,560 Uh, no, Smithy. 155 00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:45,800 And this may be the last time you ever see me. 156 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:48,520 Give it a rest. 157 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,440 Chuck us that sauce. 158 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:53,560 So I said to him, "Oh, scag-head, do what you like. 159 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:56,000 "It's your life and I'm not about to tell you how to live it. 160 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:57,440 "I wouldn't do that to no one. 161 00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:59,160 "I wouldn't even tell myself how to live my life. 162 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:00,480 "But at the end of the day, 163 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:02,160 "don't come round here peddling your wares, 164 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:03,800 "'cause I've got a business to run." 165 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:05,360 But you haven't got a business to run. 166 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:07,800 Between the hours of 12:00 and 2:00, I am in charge. 167 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:10,080 At that particular moment, I was in charge. 168 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,560 So yes, I do have a business to run, as it goes. 169 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,280 BRYN: Only me! 170 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:15,800 BOTH: Hiya! 171 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:17,040 Hey! I got the alarm. 172 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:19,240 Oh, hiya, Ness. 173 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:20,320 All right, Bryn? 174 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:21,960 How's it going down the slots? 175 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:23,920 I won't lie to you, Bryn. I hates it. 176 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,280 Barry Island's not what it used to be, but what can you do? 177 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,360 Times change. People move on. 178 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,040 What do I owe you for that alarm, Bryn? 179 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:33,800 Hey don't worry about it. This one's on me. 180 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:34,920 No, come on. 181 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,800 Hey, these things are important. 182 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:38,440 My brother would turn in his grave 183 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,360 if he thought I wasn't looking after his little girl. 184 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,240 And the truth is, 185 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:45,560 I don't want anyone in this room being raped, myself included. 186 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:47,960 -That's very good of you, love. -Aye. Fair play. 187 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:49,040 Oh, thanks, Uncle Bryn. 188 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,840 Ah. 189 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:55,480 Hey, come on, don't...don't...don't get me started now. Right! 190 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,920 The man in the shop says I should give you a little demonstration. 191 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,160 So, Stace, I want you to run at me 192 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,800 as if to all intents and purposes you were my attacker. 193 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,240 Oh, you don't have to show me. I can work it out myself. 194 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:10,960 Stace, tomorrow morning you are travelling to London, England, 195 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:12,760 to meet a boy you've never met before. 196 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,160 I offered to come with you. You said, "No." 197 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,800 I offered to drive you and wait in the car. You said, "No." 198 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:20,880 Now, you've met me halfway on the rape alarm, 199 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:24,480 at least have the decency to let me give you a demonstration, 200 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,040 because, I tell you this for nothing, 201 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:29,080 if you come back Sunday, raped, 202 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:32,800 and I showed you how to use it, I'll rest easy in my bed. 203 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:37,320 You come back Sunday raped, the fault will lie solely at your door. 204 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:39,240 So, please, attack me. 205 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,880 Oh, no, no. What are you doing? 206 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,480 You've got to put a bit of aggression into it. 207 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:56,000 Oh, Stace, sit down. Ness, you have a go. 208 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:01,880 Not too late to back out, you know. 209 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:03,440 All it takes is one phone call. 210 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,160 -No, I've got to meet her. I wanna meet her. -Really? 211 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,000 Yeah, it's exciting. 212 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:09,280 Maybe it is exciting, 213 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:11,000 but you know what they say about excitement? 214 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,240 What? 215 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:13,720 It's by the by. Look. 216 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,880 I was talking to Gary and Simon about you last night and we're worried. 217 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,120 Why? 218 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,840 You're putting all your eggs in one bag. 219 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:23,080 She's Welsh! She might not even turn up tomorrow. 220 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:26,040 All I'm saying is don't get your hopes up. 221 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:28,800 Since when did you become an expert on relationships? 222 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,280 You've only ever had one girlfriend, she's only just turned 17. 223 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,080 So forgive me if I don't hang on your every word 224 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:35,040 -regarding my own love life. -17-and-three-quarters actually 225 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:36,440 and she just got 90% in her driving theory, 226 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,200 and her test's in two weeks. But, whatever. 227 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,280 Look, you don't have to come tomorrow. I'll go on me own. 228 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:43,800 Don't be stupid. I'm not letting you go on your own to meet up with two freaks! 229 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,960 -Stacey's not a freak. -Well, she might not be but this mate of hers 230 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:47,080 could be a complete nutter. 231 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:48,120 'Course she won't be! 232 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,480 You perverted piece of shit! 233 00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:51,920 Put him down, Nessa! (SCREAMS) 234 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,320 (GASPING) You makes me sick! 235 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:58,080 -Is that the sort of thing you meant, then? -Yes. 236 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:23,360 'Night, Ness. 237 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:24,440 'Night, Stace. 238 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,440 Forgotten your case, Ness? 239 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,160 Don't be a twat, Dave. 240 00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,280 I had the best night of my life with that woman. 241 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:55,440 Are we all right to smoke, then? 242 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,960 Animal. Absolute animal. 243 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,440 Dave? 244 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:02,320 What? Oh, sorry, love. Smoking? Yeah. 245 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,840 My motto is "Fags and weed, glue and speed," 246 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:07,920 but I draws the line at crack. 247 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:11,560 -That way, everyone knows where they stand. -Oh, fair play. 248 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:20,880 That is de-bloody-beautiful. 249 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,920 Yeah, it is nice. 250 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:26,080 This beer is allowed to ferment for nine years in Nordrhein-Westfalen, 251 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:27,920 home of Monchengladbach FC, 252 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:31,240 and is considered one of Germany's best kept secrets. 253 00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:34,960 Right, Gav-la... 254 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:39,080 I think you'll agree that that is easily worth an 8.5. 255 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:41,120 Gav? 256 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:43,560 -Gavin? -Yeah? 257 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:46,280 Yeah, whatever. 258 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,360 This was your idea! What? 259 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,360 This! You came to my house. 260 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:55,040 You said, "Let's try every beer around the world within the next 12 months." 261 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,960 I said, "You'll never do it." You said, "Come on." I said, "No." 262 00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:59,840 You said, "Please?" I said, "Fine." 263 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:02,040 Four months down the line I'm the only one who gives a shit! 264 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,520 Gary and Simon dropped out after Belgium. 265 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,480 I don't know where Fingers is with it. 266 00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:08,000 But you! Ever since things got turned up a notch with this Stacey, 267 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,400 you've gone missing. 268 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,560 The lights are on, but everyone's gone out. I wash my hands of you. 269 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,400 -Smithy. -And if this mate of hers turns out to be a munter, 270 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,920 that could be it for me and you. 271 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:23,800 Are you drinking that? 272 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:24,880 I'm just too nervous, mate. 273 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,360 Right. Well... 274 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:31,920 -There she is. There! -Where? 275 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,200 Oh, my God. Right, come on. 276 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:38,160 But where's her mate? Oi! Where's her mate? 277 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:42,360 Stacey? 278 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:46,160 Oh, my God! Hiya! 279 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,000 -When did you get here? -I thought you weren't gonna come! 280 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:51,160 -'Course I was gonna come! -I've only been here 10 minutes. 281 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:52,520 I like your cardi. 282 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,000 Cheers. River Island. 283 00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:56,520 Oh, so is my belt! Amazing! 284 00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,600 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 285 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:02,800 -Oh, sorry, mate. Uh, Stace, this is Smithy. -Hiya, Stacey, all right? 286 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:04,080 Heard a lot about you. 287 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:05,320 Heard a lot about you, too. 288 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,280 -So come on your own in the end then, did you or... -What? 289 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:12,840 Oh, no, no, I came with... Oh, here she is now! Nessa! 290 00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,120 SMITHY: Oh for the... 291 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:17,960 -This is Vanessa. -Six quid, two slices of pizza. 292 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:19,520 -They take the piss, these cockneys. -Ness! 293 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:22,560 -What? -This is Gavin. 294 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,480 -All right, Gav? How's it going, all right? -Yeah, great. 295 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,480 Uh, and this is Smithy. 296 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,280 -Right. Well, should we get a drink? -Yeah, great! 297 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,160 Oh, Stace! 298 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:41,000 Do you not want this now? 299 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:42,840 No, I'm not hungry anymore! 300 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:47,240 Yeah, might as well. 301 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:49,960 (MUSIC PLAYING) 302 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,360 Oh, it's a bit dead in here. 303 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:54,960 I don't mind, it's well base. 304 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,360 What do you want to drink? 305 00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:57,560 I'll have a white wine spritzer, 306 00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:59,000 and Ness will have a gin and tonic. 307 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:00,240 All right. 308 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,440 All right, uh, yeah. Two beers, double gin and tonic, 309 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:07,520 white wine spritzer, and eight after shocks. 310 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:11,160 What? 311 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,120 Smithy? 312 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,880 This is a nightmare of epic proportions. 313 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,200 What's wrong with her? 314 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,120 A: How old is it? 315 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,560 B: Have you seen the tattoo? 316 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:26,960 -And 3: Look at the size of it! -What do you mean? 317 00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:28,040 She's massive! She's not. 318 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:29,320 -She's huge. -Yeah well, with respect, Smithy... 319 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:32,280 Right, fine, I'm big. I'll give you that. Right, I'm big. 320 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:35,160 -But I'm sorry, the size of that. Look at it! -Hey! 321 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:38,080 All right? Been powdering your nose? 322 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:40,880 -Oh thanks, Stace. Thanks a lot. -What? 323 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,320 Look, let's get one thing straight. 324 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,040 I don't touch that shit no more, all right? 325 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:45,960 I did and now I don't. 326 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,160 So let that be an end to it. 327 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,400 Oh, Nessa! 328 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:58,000 And D: To top it all off, she's a drug addict! Brilliant! 329 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,280 Cheers, mate. (SIGHS) 330 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,840 (SAY SAY SAY WAITING 4 YOU LYRICS BY HI-TACK PLAYING) 331 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,800 I'm so hot! 332 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:08,560 I know. I'm wet through! 333 00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:10,800 -I can't believe this, you know. -You what? 334 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:11,960 This. Us. I can't believe it. 335 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:13,160 I know. 336 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:14,960 It's better than I thought it would be. 337 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:16,400 I feel like I've known you ages. 338 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:18,880 -I feel like I've known you all my life. -What? 339 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,760 Like I've known you all my life. 340 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,440 -I was so worried you wouldn't like me. -You what? 341 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:25,880 I was so nervous. 342 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,760 Yeah, me too! 343 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,480 -Look, Stace, I just want you to know... -Sorry? 344 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,040 I just want you to know... 345 00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:33,840 I can't hear you! 346 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,520 I just wanted to... 347 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:48,920 ...Say that. 348 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:57,040 SMITHY: Wey-hey! 349 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:05,840 Smithy! Train goes in 20 minutes! 350 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:08,960 You don't have to go, you know. 351 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:10,320 Not if you don't want to. 352 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:11,800 What, you mean come back? 353 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:13,440 Yeah. Well, if you like. 354 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:15,800 Well, it's up to you. I don't want you to think that... 355 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,760 Gavin, I'm asking you to come back with me. 356 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:24,360 So all right, mate. You get the train. I'm gonna go back with, um... 357 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,040 -Nessa. -Nessa, that's it. 358 00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:27,560 GAVIN: Can I have a word? 359 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:34,040 You got any johnnies? I ain't going in there, bareback. 360 00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:36,480 -We'll have to stop off at a garage on the way. -Are you in? 361 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:37,800 I think so. 362 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:38,880 BOTH: Quality! 363 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,080 -We'll have to make a stop, girls. -What for? 364 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:44,520 Well, we might have to, um, get some... 365 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,440 Don't worry, I got a stash. Ribbed. 366 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:48,960 Taxi! 367 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:53,440 (ALL GIGGLE) 368 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,040 There's no mini bar. 369 00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:04,160 -I'll order some room service, shall I? -Yeah. 370 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:08,440 Gav, I'm not being funny, but it's half-two now and we're leaving in eight hours. 371 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,160 We all know what's gonna happen, 372 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:11,800 who wants what and what have you 373 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:14,520 so why not cut to the chase and we can all get some? 374 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:16,840 And they say romance is dead. 375 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,120 Don't be a prick, Gav. 376 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,360 Right, Stace, how do you want to do this? 377 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,200 Well, we'll have this bed, you have that one. 378 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,400 -Switch the lights off and get on with it. -Fine. 379 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:26,840 Well, hang on, are you serious? 380 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,960 'Cause those beds are like two feet apart. 381 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,000 I don't give a shit. 382 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:33,440 I just feel a little bit uncomfortable. 383 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:35,880 Okay, okay. 384 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,840 As a mate, we'll go in the en suite. 385 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:40,160 Yeah? Nessa? 386 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:41,560 All right. 387 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,760 But only for the first one. 388 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,560 -I hopes you're hungry, big boy. -(CHUCKLES) 389 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:52,520 -SMITHY: Come on. Get in here now. -(DOOR SLAMS) 390 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,320 Bit of music? (HEAVY ROCK PLAYS) 391 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:58,120 Sorry. Bloody thing. 392 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:00,200 Hang on, let's try this. 393 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:05,120 MAN (ON RADIO): How long have you had the growths? 394 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,240 (LAST REQUEST BY PAOLO NUTINI PLAYING ON RADIO 395 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:10,120 I love this one. 396 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,840 -Right. Do you want a drink, then? -Gavin. 397 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,880 -'Cause I can go down to the bar if you like. -Gav. 398 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:18,400 -I'm easy. I just don't... We can talk if you want. -Gav. 399 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,960 (WHISPERS) This is so lush. 400 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:50,560 Mmm. 401 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:54,240 It is. 402 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,040 It's totally lush. 403 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:04,480 SMITHY: Oh, fucking hell. Oh, God! 404 00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,080 Oh, you dirty! Oh! 405 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:08,320 (GLASS SHATTERS) 406 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,520 Oh! Oh! That's it. 407 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:16,000 Oh! Oh! Now we're talking. Oh, take it... 408 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:17,080 Oh, yeah. Oh... 409 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:18,560 (TOILET FLUSHES) 410 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:22,920 God, no! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! 411 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,440 Oh, God! Oh, God! 412 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:35,240 (WHISPERS) Gav. 413 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:36,600 Oh, Stace, don't wake him. 414 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:38,440 Why? 415 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,920 I'm not being funny, but right now you look like shit. 416 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,440 And last night you looked cracking. Let that be the memory. 417 00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:45,240 Good point. I'll leave a note. 418 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,240 What about Smithy? 419 00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:48,480 No, leave him. 420 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:51,480 His breath is rank and mine's not much better. 421 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,560 Smithy! Smithy! 422 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:21,320 Oh, God. Oh, my God. 423 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,400 Come on, mate, we haven't got time for this. 424 00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:26,160 Oh. 425 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:27,880 I feel like I've been abused. 426 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:29,280 Look, I wanna say goodbye properly. 427 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:30,880 Their coach leaves in half an hour. 428 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:34,360 Oh, God, the guilt. Oh, the guilt! 429 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:39,040 Oh, about Lucy, I'm going to have to confess. 430 00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:40,560 No, mate! Look, what's the point? 431 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,160 No you don't! I've got to! I have! 432 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:43,200 Why? 433 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:44,280 You don't understand! 434 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:49,080 Oh, she did things. 435 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:52,480 Mate, she put things... 436 00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:54,560 ...In... 437 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:58,560 Did Stacey... Listen, did Stacey... 438 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,880 Did she? Did she stick anything? 439 00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:03,080 Smithy, I can't believe you're even asking me! 440 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:05,520 I am not discussing anything about last night with you! 441 00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:08,880 I need to know whether this is something that just... 442 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:10,040 Oh. 443 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:11,960 Nessa. Nessa. 444 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:15,120 Whether it's just something just she does or is it a Welsh thing? 445 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:17,240 -Why does it matter? -Well, if it's something everybody does, 446 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:18,920 I don't need to see a doctor, do I? 447 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:20,000 Get dressed! 448 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:21,120 Oh, all right! 449 00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:26,080 Oh, God! 450 00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:37,960 Don't suppose I can tempt you to a Chinese down mine later? 451 00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:40,520 Oh, Dave, when are you going to learn? 452 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:42,880 You could buy me all the chocolates, all the chow mein you like, 453 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:44,840 but it won't wash, and you knows why. 454 00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:46,960 Now back off or I'll tell everyone on that coach 455 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:50,160 about my trip to the doctor's, is that what you really want? 456 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:51,600 No. Sorry. 457 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,360 Look, I think you're a cracking bloke, Dave, 458 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,520 but let's face it, you're riddled. 459 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:58,400 I know. 460 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:02,040 How is everything, uh, down there, by the way? 461 00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:04,960 Ship-shape and shiny now, no thanks to you. 462 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,360 GAVIN: Stacey! Stacey! 463 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:11,160 Oh, no! (CHUCKLES) 464 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:13,000 I had to say goodbye. 465 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:14,040 Aw! 466 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,760 You, uh, forgot this. 467 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:18,840 Oh, tidy. 468 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:22,240 So I'll give you a ring. 469 00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:23,400 Why? 470 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:25,480 Well, you know. 471 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:27,480 Oh, get a life, Smithy. 472 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,400 Oh, Stace! 473 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:33,360 -Come on, babes. I'll see you again really soon. -Don't. 474 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:34,560 What? 475 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,440 Don't promise me nothing. 476 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:40,320 If this is all it's meant to be, I'm still so happy I met you! 477 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:43,920 Oh. 478 00:24:58,480 --> 00:24:59,840 Right. KFC? 479 00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,040 No, mate, there's something I gotta do. Taxi! 480 00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:03,400 What? Where are you going? 481 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:05,560 I've got to go home. Billericay, please, mate. 482 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:09,480 -I thought we were going to share a bucket? -Are you coming or what? 483 00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:33,360 Cheers, mate. 484 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:42,280 Gav? Gavin? 485 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,600 -How did it go? What's she like? -Brilliant. 486 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,480 I'll tell you later. 487 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:51,320 See you then. 488 00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:53,680 What on earth's going on? 489 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,840 Don't ask. All I know is I'm so ravenous I can barely see! 490 00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:58,560 Do you want a Pammy's full English? 491 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:00,120 You read my mind! 492 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:01,960 How about you, Smithy? Did you have a good time? 493 00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:03,520 Not really, no. 494 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:41,080 Oh, my God! 495 00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:44,000 What you doing here? 496 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,400 I said I'd see you soon, didn't I? 497 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:55,160 -What's up? -(SIGHS) 498 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:56,480 Nothing. 499 00:26:58,240 --> 00:26:59,400 What? 500 00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:00,920 It's stupid. 501 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:02,040 Stace! 502 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:07,120 It's just... I told myself... 503 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:10,960 If ever I saw you again in the flesh, like, that I'd... 504 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:13,880 What? 505 00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:19,440 That I'd tell you something. But I can't. 506 00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:23,560 Oh, Stace, I'm going for a curry with Dave. I'll call you tomorrow. 507 00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:29,560 If you say it, I'll say it back. 508 00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:33,320 -I love you. -I love you too. 509 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:34,440 Ooh! 510 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:36,560 (ALARM SHRIEKS) 511 00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:39,200 What's that? 512 00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:40,360 Just my rape alarm.